One of the constant questions I get is ‘Where did you get your nick from?’ The other ones, if you were wondering, are ‘Who is that in your avatar and what is he holding?’. Obviously you’ve never seen Worf hold a tribble. But if you have, then you would know those things are not what is in my avatar. It is none other than Montgomery Scott, from old school Trek. And what is he holding in his hands? The answer to that, like all things in life, is whiskey. And don’t worry, I’m already advocating to Rudy for a Star Trek character page for all of us to link to. Thank me later. Anyhow, where were we? Ah, yes, the origination of my Razzy call-sign. Its really not that hard to decipher. Let’s just say that it was given a long time ago, in a state far, far away. And it was given because when I do things, in all aspects, I do them very, very wrong. And the reason all of this got brought up is Jay Bruce seems to be on pace to strikeout 209 times and only hit 18 homeruns. You certainly wouldn’t call that Jayright, so let’s find out if we should start calling him Jaywrong after the jump.Please, blog, may I have some more?
On a scale of one to ten for most surprising starters, Patrick Corbin is a one. One being the best. When you beat your high score in Mario Kart you never scream out, “I’m number ten,” do you? Okay, so don’t question my numbering. On a scale of one to ten for how likely it is Corbin keeps this up, it’s around a 5, the number made famous by Short Circuit. Didja know before Short Circuit people would count 1, 2, 3, 4, 6? It’s also why Marilyn Monroe left Joe DiMaggio. Corbin’s not a 1.44 ERA pitcher, but he’s not what he seemed like coming into the year either. His fastball has jumped in velocity, which has helped all of his pitches. I don’t own him, which butters my grr’s. I know most of you must’ve benched him in Coors yesterday for his 10 K, 9-inning, three-hitter gizzem, so I’ll say it for you, sonavabench! Luckily, you own him for the whole season and he looks like he can be a mid-3 ERA, 1.20 WHIP, 7 K-rate guy, i.e., a fantasy two to three. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Paul Goldschmidt went off again last night, collecting four hits with two 2-run home runs and scored four times. Awww Schmiiiidt! Goldy has been locked in at the plate lately. Over the past two weeks, he’s batting .400 with 5 home runs, 12 RBI and 2 stolen bases. As a result the D-Backs sit at the top of their division, winning three straight games and seven of their last 10. Paul is currently on pace for over 40 home runs, 15 steals and 120+ RBI. Although he will likely come back down to earth some, he remains the number one first baseman on the player rater and is looking like a lock to finish in the top three. He also is the number two player overall behind only mean Jean Segura. To quote Mike Myers second worst film, “I love…Goooold.” We all do, Johan van der Smut, you horribly offensive Dutch stereotype. We all do. If you read Razzball faithfully, there’s a good chance you own Pauly G. on a team or two. If so, you are lovin’ life right now, so enjoy this. Bask in it. Take. It. In. You earned it. I had a goldfish named Goldy but I never loved that dumb fish as much I love owning Paul Goldschmidt. So thanks Grey. Thanks Rudy. If you ever need a kidney, I’m your guy.
Here’s what else happened in fantasy baseball last night:Please, blog, may I have some more?
First clue I’m human, when I overheard an old woman tell someone she showers while sitting on a stool, I shivered. Second clue, I used to wear Z. Cavariccis. First clue Justin Verlander is human was last night. He had the worst outing of his career with 2 2/3 IP and 8 ER. Verlander looked like Kate Upton, if Kate had Rosie O’Donnell’s head. Sorry, that’s a visual you won’t get out of your head for a long time. It’s like two girls, one shower stool. Can’t you just take a bath? Please tell me this isn’t old age…. Speaking of which (watch how I tie this loosely into fantasy baseball), Verlander is thirty years old and… Still lights out. This was one bad start, don’t panic. C’mere, let me massage your shoulders and… I just pick-pocketed you! You gotta be careful with that. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Diamondbacks said J.J. Putz needs elbow surgery. Imagine the doctor misreads Putz’s chart and J.J. walks out with a new putz that is an arm, elbow to hand. Would that have him get to third base and home all with one swing of the bat? It would help him avoid that awkwardness when you try to hug and undo a girl’s pants. He could also towel himself down while opening a door. Actually, this sounds like a plus-plus, or rather, a putz-putz! I’m reinventing the knuckle shuffle! The Diamondbacks also officially announced yesterday what I announced the day before, Heath Bell would be the closer. Ya know this means he’s going to crap your face and call it Google Glass, right? You know this, right? I do, and I still grabbed him. I’d also grab David Hernandez in case the only thing Bell rings in are blown saves. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
So I decided to see how many Alex Cobb articles I can write this week. Considering my other writing job is writing about rare exotic red birds, it’s going to be a challenge. Ok, so I made that up, and maybe only 2-3 people in my life would get that joke. It’s funny to me OK!
Speaking of rare and exotic, daily fantasy leagues are quite the opposite, quickly growing in popularity with disgruntled fantasy owners who drafted R.A. Dickey or Giancarlo Stanton. Maybe if he changes his name back ti Mike he’ll get healthy… If you’ve gotten fed up with your team, why not try and win back your league entry with the industry leader in daily leagues, our friends at DraftKings? And if you haven’t heard yet, they’re still throwing us RAZZBALL EXCLUSIVE contests where you attempt to take down our own Rudy Gamble and Nick Capozzi with your daily line-up. As always, the contest is on Friday with the doors now open. There’s only 30 spots this time (still 2 entries per player) at only $5 per. First place will get a ticket into their huge $100K Spring Fling contest (a $100 value) and spots 2-10 get payouts as well. With the limited spots open, you’ve gotta sign up fast!Please, blog, may I have some more?
Why hello there. It seems like only yesterday when we were drafting our fantasy baseball teams and were guaranteed to breeze to first place. But then baseball happened. An injury (or two or three…) here and an underperforming guy there can really dampen your early season enthusiasm. Fortunately, there are always opportunities to grab guys off waivers or to buy low. Enter Brian McCann. A few months ago, I said, “I strongly dislike recommending people draft an injured player, but I’m going to do it this time. The last I saw, he’s expected to miss the first couple weeks of the season. Even if the injury reduces his production, I could still see him producing a high .700s OPS, with solid counting stats. Considering that you would only have to use a late round pick, it may be worth the gamble.” Well, considering that he’s still largely available, I suggest you close your eyes and fall back into McCann’s arms (gently, of course). Like Scott Weiland, he’s half the man he used to be, but there’s no reason why he can’t be a top 10 catcher for the rest of 2013. Anyway, here are some other players that have me crossing my fingers in OPS leagues:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Surprised that I showed up with a post today? I’m sure most of you thought I was still writing my 30-page thesis on R.A. Dickey. What can I say? It was more a labor of love than anything else. And that doesn’t mean I treat other players differently. In fact, if I had children, I would love all of them equally. Except Hunter, he’s just so bad-ass cause he knows how to drive stick and already has a brown belt in taekwondo, all at the age of three. That’s my number one seed son! Maybe I messed up by naming his sister Samardzija, because I dunno, ef her childhood I guess. But like I said, this post will not be tl;dr, only because my wrists are still sore from last week’s marathon. And I need my wrists for other things. It’s funny because I watch redtube.com all the time. Get it? So while you can be assured I love all baseball players, except Luke Scott, I won’t get out of hand like last time. Unless I ever happen to pick a player from the Padres to spotlight. Hint: I have 5000+ words ready to go on John Baker. I think Grey just threw up all over me. So, on to today’s subject, one Josh Hamilton.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Sure, these aren’t your slightly older brother’s Yankees. Even Mel Hall would roll over in his Aryan cellmate’s arms if you were to compare these Yankees with the early-90′s Yankees. Still… Again and this time put a little sting on it… STILL! Mr. DeMille, Matt Moore looks ready for his close-up as he announced, “I am big. It’s the other pitchers that got small.” The Yankees can usually take a walk, and Moore’s on the wild side when the guys and four girl readers go, ‘Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo.’ Yesterday, Moore only gave up two hits and three walks through eight innings while chipping in nine Ks. His season ERA now sits at 1.04. Sure, that’s gonna come up a bit, but I ranked him 16th overall for all starters for a reason. That reason is his stuff is nasty. Nasty as in good not nasty as in bad with that bad not being bad bad, he’s good bad. Kapeesh? Looking for a pitcher then can give you 200 Ks and a 2-something ERA then look at Strasburg. Looking for a guy that can get you the same amount of Ks and a low-three ERA, but will come a lot cheaper in a trade? That’s all the Moore reason. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Imagine the Freaky Friday scenario with Grey or Rudy. One minute you’re a happy-go-lucky fantasy player who enjoys the occasional buffoonery, the next your spouting out catch phrases and terms to replace common English. I would’ve had my headshot in the paper for saving that kitten if I wasn’t such a SAGNOF! I wish I was a good father to my niños but unfortunately I’m just a HodgePadre…
Fortunately for this Friday, all you have to do to switch places with Rudy as the best fantasy analyst alive, is beat him in another awesome contest from our friends at DraftKings. The contest is for this Friday’s night games, but you can ENTER NOW with the winner getting a ticket into the their $100,000 MLB Spring Fling where the #1 spot gets $20,000! That’s a $100 value and entries are only $5 and you can enter up to two times for this one, with spots 2-10 winning $5.00. As always, this is RAZZBALL EXCLUSIVE so there’s only 50 spots open with 3 filled already, so you gotta sign up fast!Please, blog, may I have some more?