Achilles (Tennessee Mash – RCL 25) had another good week and increased their lead in the overall standings. Josh Hamilton, Joey Votto, Jay Bruce, Ted Lilly, and Brandon Morrow were the key performers for the top team. Their relievers were also strong, allowing just 4 runs in 18 innings of work. Trini’s team (also with Hamilton), Psychic Friends Network (RCL 22), took over 2nd spot while Navseal 7 (RCL 9) slipped to third. RCL 9 continued to hold the title of “Toughest League,” but perennial contenders ECFBL and Schmohawk in Training are right on their heels.
Washington’s Stache (Toads and Wet Rocks) gained 25 points and jumped from 464th to 136th place in the standings. Norce Force (Hotel, Dotel, Halladay Inge) also improved by 25 points, and moved into the top 20 from 257th.
Grey mentioned this week that RCL teams should be able to keep their ERA under 3.50. Right now, only 43% of teams are managing that. A couple wise commenters opined that all the relievers blowing up was making it difficult. It is tough to separate the RP stats to study, but they do seem to be frequently ruining ratios.
Expert League: RotoWire Del Don (Dalton Del Don) took over the lead after a week where he jumped from 70 to 90 points on the strength of solid pitching. He recorded 5 wins and 7 saves with ratios of 1.82 and 1.05, along with 80 strikeouts. Rudy and Grey each lost a few points this week, and sit in 5th and 6th respectively.
Trades: There were 19 trades this week, bringing the total for the year to 98. Albert Pujols was traded a twice – both times by Al Koholic. In the ECFBL, last-place Al gambled on Ryan Howard and Bryce Harper, trading Albert and Ernesto Frieri to first-place The Fredsies for the pair plus Rafael Dolis. In RCL Original Recipe, he sent Pujols and Grant Balfour to Popeye’s n Beer Recipe4disaster for Jay Bruce and David Freese. With Pujols continuing to struggle and Balfour losing the closer job, so far it looks like Al came out ahead in this one. Tim Lincecum and Nelson Cruz were also dealt twice, including in RCL 38 where they were traded for each other. In Cracking The WHIP, the Dukes of Flatbush traded Alex Rios and Matt Cain to eye-talian backstop for Cruz and Bryce Harper. Team Beardown sent Lincecum and Anibal Sanchez to Bushwood Varmint Cong for Brandon Morrow, Johnny Cueto, and Edward Mujica in Epic Beardmen Division. In a somewhat questionable deal in Cust Kayin’, Pimpin Nipples gave up Troy Tulowitzki and Jordan Walden to acquire Jason Kipnis and Rafael Betancourt. You can find all the trades in the fantasy baseball forums. Look for the RCL under “Everything Else.”
Weekly Leaders
Norce Force was the top hitting team this week. They hit .339 with 27 home runs and 70 RBI, 60 runs, and 10 steals.Not surprisingly, they own Josh Hamilton (.467/10 Runs/9 HR/18 RBI). Carlos Beltran (.360/6 HR/13 RBI), Joey Votto (.429/3 HR/8 RBI), and Andrew McCutchen (.524/3 HR/1 SB) also provided big numbers.
Washington’s Stache set the pace on the mound with an ERA of 2.35 and 1.20 WHIP with 83 Ks, 9 wins, and 3 saves. Their lineup featured Edinson Volquez (2 Wins/10 K), Derek Holland (Win/0.00/1.00), Jordan Zimmermann (Win/ 9 K) and Brandon Morrow (Win/10 K).
Ks: 86 (Kemp Keep Me Down – Yu Ain’t Goldschmidt) Wins: 9 (Washington’s Stache – Toads and Wet Rocks, All about The WHIP – RCL 43) Saves: 10 (Tennessee Jed – Robust Herd, Pliny the Elder – Myrtle’s Acres) ERA: 1.07 (Bang Biscuit – RCL 41) WHIP: 0.92 (Big Cuntry – Ones are GOOD right?, The AmishGangster – Epic Beardmen Division)
TEAM OF THE WEEK – May 7 – 13
Norce Force (Hotel, Dotel, Halladay Inge)
100/295 (.339)
60 R/27 HR/70 RBI/10 SB
72.2 IP
60K/3 W/2.48/1.03/3 S
As mentioned above, Norce Force led the RCL in hitting, and their pitching was solid, lacking only in wins. Brandon Morrow (10 K) and Derek Holland (0.00/1.00) did pick up wins, while A.J. Burnett had 14 strikeouts in 2 starts with an ERA of 2.25 and WHIP of 0.81.
It would be great if we can attach each team to a Razzball Commenter handle. Please fill out the below form so we can add your handle to the Master Standings page (note: you can also enter this for a leaguemate if you like).
Tennessee Mash (RCL 25) is our early leader with 110 points, followed by Playin’ The Field (Beef SAGNOF!) and The Fredsies (ECFBL). The Mash have been led offensively by Josh Hamilton, who has been a steal so far at pick #40. Earlier they had picked Joey Votto, Carlos Gonzalez, and Jay Bruce. Those 4 have hit .320 with 22 home runs and 73 RBI, and added 10 steals. After drafting Chase Utley in round 5, TM selected their first pitcher, David Price. 9th-round pick Gio Gonzalez has been stellar, with an ERA of 1.82 and WHIP under 1. In the last 9 rounds the Mash added Kenley Jansen, Aroldis Chapman, and Jonny Venters, who have contributed 6 wins, 2 saves, and 62 strikeouts, with an ERA of 1.02. Congratulations, Tennessee Mash!
League Toughness: Also, congratulations to RCL 9, the top league with an LCI of 105. League Competitive Index is based on the total stats for the whole league. The index page can be found here. The points formula is: HR + SB + R/3 + RBI/3 + (H-.27*AB) + 2*W + 1.5 * SV + K / 5 + IP – (ER+H+BB/ 2).
Waiver Buzz: The Razzball nation was hopping Friday as everyone rushed to pick up new closer Scott Downs and freshly called up youngsters Mike Trout and Bryce Harper. Downs and Harper are 100% owned now, while Mike Trout is on waivers in 1 league.
Expert League: Mastersball Carey (Ryan Carey) continues to lead, but Rudy shot up to second place with a 19.5-point gain. Craig Kimbrel, Santiago Casilla, Zack Greinke and Brandon Morrow led Rudy to a pitching line of 65 K/6 wins/6 saves/2.08/1.20.
Trades: 9 more trades were processed this week, bringing the total to 51 involving 165 players. A 10-player swap in the ECFBL included Jose Reyes, Jose Bautista, Albert Pujols, Matt Holliday, Yovani Gallardo, and Jon Lester. Pujols was also traded in an 8-player deal in RCL 46. Hanley Ramirez and Clayton Kershaw were included in that transaction. Bryce Harper was used as a trade chip in The Dread Pirate Returns. He was dealt with Justin Morneau for Billy Butler. You can find all the trades in the fantasy baseball forums.
Weekly Leaders
All about The WHIP (RCL 43) hit .285 with 55 runs, 18 home runs, 55 RBI, and 4 steals to take offensive honors this week. PETER GAMMONS (RCL 24) had a great pitching line with 16 decisions (11 wins/5 saves) and ratios of 1.80 and 1.09.
Average: .332 (Broth’s Baseball Stars – Fausto or Roberto?)
Runs: 58 (PublicEnemy #1 – Ones are GOOD right?)
HR: 19 (The Otters – RCL 24)
RBI: 57 (Das Haycist – RCL 20)
SB: 15 (All I Do is Nguyen – RCL 25, Worldwide Suicide – Ones are GOOD right?, Moody Broodies – Sphinctory Staff Inflection )
Carlos Gonzalez and Jay Bruce powered Tennessee Mash to the top of the standings with a total of 8 home runs and 21 RBI this week. They also scored 14 runs and stole 4 bases while hitting .432. Tennessee’s pitching was even better, with David Price (2 wins/12 K/1.17/0.85), Brandon Morrow (2 wins/12 K/0.71/1.03), and Gio Gonzalez (1 win/13 K/1.50/1.00) pacing the staff.
Bryce Harper and Mike Trout were called up by their respective clubs this weekend. When Bryce left Syracuse for his first major league game, the grand opening of the “Eye Black Isn’t Just For The Ultimate Warrior And Owls” store turned into a Going Out of Business sale. When Mike Trout left Salt Lake for the Angels, Bobby Abreu’s three year Going Out of Business sale came to an abrupt end. Bobby, “I still have some seven-pitch walks to sell!” With Trout and Harper called up, the minor leagues were closed. There’s no more minor leagues. In his major league debut, Harper looked like all that and a bag of douche. Who over the age of twelve flips their helmet off when they’re running? Wait, is he over the age of twelve? Definitely more auspicious of a debut than Trout’s (or is that inauspicious?). (NSFWUYWAAPPH (Not Safe For Work Unless You Work At A Porn Production House): In case you didn’t see it, Harper roped a double to deep center while someone behind home plate dropped their pants. (Here’s Bryce Harper’s first major league hit in motion.) I can’t wait to go to Cooperstown in 25 years and see Bryce Harper’s 1st major league hit. The curator showing a group of middle school kids, “Here’s the film of Babe Ruth calling his shot and here’s Bryce Harper with a booty call.” In 50 years, Bryce Harper showing his granddaughter, “There’s your PawPaw getting his first major league hit.” “PawPaw, are you the one with your ass showing?” “No, sweetheart, that’s how fans celebrated baseball players when I played. A great time to be alive.”) Mike Trout, nor the fans behind him, flashed anything. Whatevs, I like him better for this year. I went over my Mike Trout fantasy back in November and it mostly still applies. Only thing I’d change is how many ABs I gave him there. There I gave him 55/7/30/.270/20 in 300 ABs. Give him 400 ABs and his stats move to 70/10/40/.275/25. Basically what you were hoping to get from Bourjos. That’s giddy up, the un-sarcastic excitement. As for Bryce Harper, I like him a lot and he’s worth grabbing. But he’s also worth trading if you can in redraft leagues. He hasn’t really pounded minor league pitching since last July. There were guys on his own minor league roster that were out-performing him. He’s going to be a great one; I’ll give him that. I just don’t think once Morse and/or Zimmerman return he’s even going to stay in the majors. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Scott Downs – The Sciosciapath replaced Walden after one blown save. If only he was as reactionary with over 35-year-old outfielders. Here’s a scenario: Downs gets five straight saves and Walden scuffles in a set-up role because his confidence is fractured after being removed from the closer role that quickly. In that scenario, Downs stays the closer for a few months, maybe the rest of the season. Another scenario: Downs blows a game and Walden’s back in there after a week. More succinctly, you need to hold both guys. Even more succinctly, hold both. Personally, I don’t think Sciosciapath’s move is a long-term cure for Scott Downs’ Syndrome.
Peter Bourjos – Didn’t play for the Angels yesterday because of Mike Trout. Bourjos also didn’t play on my fantasy team, because I cut him immediately when I saw he was losing time to Trout. Later, schmohawk! Thanks for the month of the .167 average and 1 homer and 1 steal! Wish I would’ve known your last name was French for “Bore the crap of youse.”
Albert Pujols – For the first time in his career, Pujols is one day away from having his first homerless month. Like how Roger Maris’s family followed around McGwire in ’98, Juan Pierre’s family will be following around Pujols.
Kyle Lohse – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks. Easily his worst start of the year. Uh-oh, Mr. April may be done. Hehe. That’s punny!
Josh Hamilton – Left yesterday’s game with a stiff back, which is less embarrassing than a stiff front.
Tim Hudson – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Pirates. Not a tough matchup, but I wouldn’t mind Hudson as a 5th fantasy starter on a team. He usually keeps his ratios in check and does decent with Ks — or simply oK.
Jay Bruce – 4 homers in 4 straight games with yesterday’s being a slam & legs. BRUUUUUUU + UUUUUUUUUUU + UUUUUUUUUUU = Excitement for Red Square. Damn, was supposed to equal excitement for Reds outfielder, Jay Bruce. Think I forgot to carry a U.
Mat Latos – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners (0 Walks), 4 Ks vs. the Asstros. Latos seems like a guy who asks you at the bar, “Did you say something to me?” like he’s picking a fight even if you didn’t say anything to him. Not much to like about his ERA so far either (5.97). I still want to remain patient with him. He will get better.
Drew Smyly – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Yankees. The Emoticon just had a most impressive start on Saturday and has his ERA down for the count of 1.23. Last week when I said to grab him, it was a bit of a “What the hey, pick him up” waiver wire acquisition. Now, it’s more of a “What the hey, seriously, pick him up.” His LOB% is a bit of an eephus that’s about to get smacked, but his K-rate should prevent him from falling too hard.
David Phelps – Will take over for Freddy Garcia in the rotation. A terrible starter being replaced by a middling middle reliever. Phelps looks like he might have a 4-ish ERA and a 7-ish K-rate. Wouldn’t even be news if it was for any team other than the Yankees. Maybe the Yankees can exact some revenge and trade David Phelps to the Mariners for the rights to Jay Buhner Jr.
Robinson Cano – Batting third for the Yankees for the first month and has 4 RBIs. Chris Davis got 4 RBIs on Saturday. The number nine hitter for the Orioles, Andino, has 6 RBIs. I will now put on a gorilla suit and mail myself to Africa.
Anibal Sanchez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 14 Ks. I heard Justin Bieber’s Boyfriend song on the radio, and I immediately thought of Anibal. No lie. It’s not gay since his name’s Anibal. It’s gay that I was listening to Bieber.
Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-4 with his 1st home run. Is it bad I actually had to look at three different sites to make sure I was seeing right that he hit a home run? Yeah, probably. Now hit nine more tomorrow and we’ll be so cool again. I’ll even massage your sore knee with my tongue. What, it’s the strongest muscle!
Josh Johnson – 5 1/3IP, 5 ER. Obviously got tired of that reputation that he could only pitch well when he was healthy.
Hanley Ramirez – 0-for-3; Jose Reyes – 0-for-3, as they both bat .205 on the year. Maybe move both of them to 2nd base and let Omar Infante play shortstop and 3rd base. I’m thinking of creative solutions; don’t kill the messenger.
Max Scherzer – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 3 Ks… Why was he pulled so early? Oh, 14 baserunners in less than 5 innings. Wow. It’s nearly mathematical impossible to have 14 baserunners, only record 14 outs and only allow 3 earned runs. I hate to give up on him and drop him to waivers, but I’d want to see at least one good start on my bench before starting him in any league.
Matt Thornton – Got the save yesterday. My over/under for Santiago losing the job was the end of April. Not too shabby. Yeah, I do think Thornton takes over, at least that’s what I’ve been writing on this site that you are reading, but as of right now Ventura is still saying Santiago’s the closer. We shall see. Or not! Your choice.
Gavin Floyd – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks as he took a no hitter into the 7th vs. the Red Sox. But the Red Sox have Nick Punto, Marlon Byrd, Ryan Sweeney, Mike Aviles, Cody Ross and Kelly Shoppach in their lineup! Somehow the Red Sox have been able to bamboozle fantasy owners into thinking they’re good, even though Sweeney, Aviles, Shoppach, Byrd, Ross and Punto are all guys coming from other teams where they were marginal starters. Right now, the Red Sox lineup looks like cemetery of fallen fantasy value.
Jake Peavy – 9 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks. If you Google “resurgence,” you’re going to find five articles about Jake Peavy and five about al-Qaeda. Of those ten articles, 2 mention selling Peavy, 3 mention buying him and 10 mention injuries.
Edwin Encarnacion – Three games in a row with a homer and capped this three-peat (trademark Pat Riley) with a slam & legs yesterday. I’m really happy for all his owners. I’m not bitter at all. I’ll probably get Edwin’s as-of-right-now stats (7 homers, 4 steals) from Ryan Zimmerman by August. The RZ: Brand new from Toyota. Flashy exterior and tons of hype, then, as soon as you drive it off the lot, you regret the purchase and it breaks down for 5 months.
Jose Bautista – 1-for-4 with his 2nd steal as he sits on 3 homers for the year while Omar Infante struts around like Buddy Love.
Kenley Jansen – Got two saves this weekend. Mattingly’s saying some shizz about Guerra needing a rest. I’ll say Mattingly needs to give that a rest. Mattingly seems like the type that can’t admit he was wrong (or so says his Rip Torn-ish looking, mugshot-taking ex-wife), so he may pull one of these deals where he never says Jansen is now the closer, but Jansen just starts getting saves until it’s obvious he’s the closer.
Chris Capuano – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks. What’s this the longest post ever? Maronna mia! Yeah, I’d pick up Capuano. Solid Ks in a good pitchers’ park.
Wade Miley – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks. He’s pitching above his head right now. Well, he’s not a sidearmer. Cute, Random Italicized Voice. I mean, he can’t keep this up. That’s what she said! What? Miley has NL-Only appeal for now, but I’d be careful in mixed leagues.
Gerardo Parra – 2-for-3 with a steal. You know who Parra is playing like right now? A guy that is getting a chance to play and wants to prove himself, i.e., he’s building a wall of stats to fend off any other Diamondback options, a *pinkie to mouth* Parra-pet.
Patrick Corbin – He was the pitcher the Diamondbacks called up for Monday’s start, relegating Collmenter to shoveling crap out of the bullpen. “Hey, Shaw, will you stop pooping on the bullpen mound?” “Why, we got Collmenter now.” That was overheard in the D-Backs bullpen this weekend. Corbin had a solid K/BB and could surprise some major league hitters. The downside is he’s 15 years old (22) and probably is just a placeholder for Bauer or Skaggs. BTW, Bauer and Skaggs opened for Big & Rich. Their big song, “Save a Morse, Ride a LaRoche.”
Dexter Fowler – At four homers, he has 2 more homers than steals. Fowler also weighs the same as one of Stanton’s thighs. Cust killin’ myself.
Frank Francisco – Blew the save yesterday as the closepocalypse sweeps through the Mets. Jesse Orsoco’s house fell on top of Frank Francisco’s legs and Ram-Ram got the save. I don’t think a change of closer is imminent here, but that’s more because the Mets’ other options haven’t been great and my brain can only compute 17 closer changes per roundup. Overload! Overload! Red alert! Let me off the closerousel!
Tim Lincecum – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks cutting his ERA to about half what it was two weeks ago. Sure, this game was against the Padres, who had one good hitter coming into this year and he’s now batting under .200 and in the 7th hole and his name rhymes with Maynotbeasgoodasyouthoughtbin, but I’m guessing it’s too late to buy low on Lincecum.
Wilson Betemit – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in his last three games as he played third and made Reynolds’ excuse, “It’s not me, it’s 3rd base,” look bad.
Matt Garza – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 1 Walk, 10 Ks. You can’t spell Garza without Rza, so you know he got The W with no help from Ol’ Dirty Barney.
Grant Balfour – 0 IP, 3 ER and his 2nd blown save, Matt Capps just gives up runs for S’s and G’s and, while they might not be in the same team, Carlos Marmol seems to be picking up whatever it is that Collmenter is shoveling. I don’t think any of them are in serious danger of losing their closer jobs (this week). All three teams are going nowhere fast and they’d be better served to get to the trading deadline with a closer to trade.
Brandon Inge – About to sign with the A’s. That’ll fix the A’s! Goodbye, cellar! There’s gotta be a Moneyball sequel with the little white kid from The Blind Side playing Inge and Don Swayze playing Billy Beane.
Bartolo Colon – 8 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. Remarkable turnaround of his career continues since his fat and bone marrow stem cell surgery. At what point does Bartolo Colon surgery become as prevalent as Tommy John surgery? It doesn’t seem like you need an injury to get the surgery either. Get the surgery and you’re just good. The doctor who did the surgery is out of Boca Raton, the old Jew shuffleboard capital of the world. Soon we’re gonna have Ira Shlomowitz and Harvey Edelbaum, once legendary mah-jong players, throwing 95 MPH, and asking the home plate ump if they can go to their mouth, not because it’s cold, but because they need to adjust their dentures. Having their choice of teams to sign with, Ira says, “I think I’m gonna pitch for the Mariners. Seattle has great herring.”
There’s a theorem that says if you gave a monkey a typewriter and an infinite amount of time, it could produce a Shakespearean sonnet. My question is, what if every monkey with a typewriter writes something more ingenious than anything Shakespeare ever came up with, but since we don’t have monkey brains (entirely), we don’t understand it? Deep Thoughts with Grey Albright. As for the theorem, how much monkeying around does it take in Boston to get one Bard? The Red Sox got the infinity part of the theorem right (Aceves’s ERA and WHIP), and they got what you usually get from a monkey and a typewriter… Crap thrown against a wall. Mark Melancon’s ERA is 36.00 and WHIP is 5.00, which looks downright beautiful compared to Alfredo Aceves’s ERA and WHIP which are just letters — INF, and if you owned Aceves for fantasy you know the INF stands for I am Now F***ed. To be, or not to be: the real question is who will close for the Red Sox? Bobby Valentine hinted they might go to Daniel Bard. Valentine doth protest too much, methinks! Of course, Bard should be the closer. You mean the one pitcher with the stuff to close that is now in the rotation that doesn’t have starter stuff? Over the last three years, Bard has the third most Holds, 213 Ks and 1.06 WHIP in 197 innings. But no Holds, Bard, now. Thine own self be true, and thine self is a closer. Give him saves. In the meanwhile, trattorias in Boston’s North End are adding Fedupfitzy Alfredo to their specials. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Clay Buchholz – 4 IP, 7 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks. This Tigers/Red Sox series lived up its billing, and that billing was, “Both teams have one ace, then agita.”
Austin Jackson – 4-for-6, 3 runs yesterday and 8-for-14 in the series. In related news, Vanity sang her big hit, Nasty Girl, at karaoke.
Max Scherzer – 2 2/3 IP, 7 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks. If Max Scherzer sounds like a character that Michael Chabon created, then yesterday the Nazis won.
Doug Fister – Off to the DL with a costochondral strain. That’s what you get when you eat too many $1.50 hot dogs at Costco.
Miguel Cabrera – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and a homer. On Saturday, 2 homers and 3 RBIs. Now hitting .455, which coincidentally is his BAC.
Matt Cain – 6 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. The Giants three-headed ace (Lincainbum?, Caincecumgarner?) didn’t fare so well in Arizona as the Giants’ petition to play their next series in Arizona in the Grand Canyon.
Brandon Belt – 1-for-10 this weekend with 5 Ks, as he was out-hit by his bench replacement Brett Pill (1-for-1 with a homer). I’m not making excuses, but I think for Passover Brandon Belt was replaced by his Jewish doppelganger.
Buster Posey – 2-for-4 with a homer and no broken ankles.
Aaron Hill – Homered twice on Saturday. Love to see him combine his crazy homer year of 2009 and crazy steal year of 2011. Imagine 36 homers and 21 steals from Aaron Hill. Will take a whole lotta tryin’ to just get up that Hill.
Bryan Shaw – Got the save yesterday since Putz recorded saves in the first two games of the season. Nothing to see here, the Diamondbacks just aren’t jerking around with their Putz.
Jay Bruce – Hit his 2nd and 3rd homers yesterday. I’m Eskimo-kissing Jay Bruce on all of my fantasy teams.
Zack Cozart – 1-for-3 yesterday and hit a homer on Saturday as he bats .545. You don’t want to know what I’m doing to Cozart on all my fantasy teams.
Heath Bell – 1/3 IP, 2 ER as he joined every reliever in major league baseball and blew the save. Why do I feel like 2012 is the year we all do Chinese fire drills on closers?
Chris Perez – Got the save yesterday after I got to the red light, ran around the car, grabbed Pestano and got back in the car. I’m sure we’ll hit another red light by Wednesday.
Carlos Santana – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs with 2 homers. I don’t own Carlos Santana anywhere, but as long as he’s not doing duets with Rob Thomas I’m happy.
Corey Hart – 3 HRs over the weekend. Shame on those of you who didn’t get the memo that he does really well overcoming spring training injuries in even years.
Ryan Braun – Homered on Sunday. The homer is under review because it was postmarked on Friday.
Fernando Rodney – 2 outs, 2 saves over the weekend. First Farnsworth, now Rodney. Joe Maddon is like the Crappy Reliever Whisperer.
B.J. Upton – Expected to return April 20th. Just think, if the Rays were married to this then they’d have to a wait a lot longer for a B.J.
Carlos Pena – Hit his second homer of the weekend yesterday. He’s the kind of player that hits 7 homers in 10 games, then 20 Ks in 5 games, so get in while the gettin’ in is good.
Jeremy Hellickson – 8 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. Pitched a superb game for the “Grey Says He Hates These Guys, Let’s Make Grey Look Wrong” team.
Mike Minor – 5 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks. Here’s me yesterday, “Hey, Minor’s through 3 innings with 5 Ks and only one run. Finally, one of my pitchers is performing. It’s about time. I won’t look back at this game, so I don’t jinx it.” That No-Look/No-Jinx worked out perfectly! I will now stick my head in the oven.
Lucas Duda – Hit 2 homers on Saturday. Oh, what a Duda day.
Jason Hammel – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks as he switched bodies with Gio Gonzalez, Madison Bumgarner, Matt Cain and Yovani Gallardo. Not cool, Jason Hammel, not cool at all.
Vance Worley – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks making his mom, Jo Anne, so proud and me, since he was, like, the only pitcher that I liked that did well this first weekend. On a serious note, don’t throw out the baby with the fantasy team. There’s only three games played for most teams. You want your pitchers to come out and pitch well, but Bumgarner, for instance, had an ERA over 6 last April. Gallardo’s ERA was also over 6 last April. You can’t win your league in April, but you can lose it by overreacting. Chillax is the portmanteau of the day.
Juan Nicasio – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. Pitched a terrific game until Rex Brothers blew it for him. Last time, I buy furniture from him.
Wilin Rosario – Homered in his first start of the year. Can we get someone to Gillooly Ramon Hernandez?
Bud Norris – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks. Triceps issue behind him, and now unto bigger and better injuries like shoulders and obliques!
Eric Hosmer – Homered in back-to-back games this weekend and had the always-delicious slam & legs on Easter Sunday. Guessing Moustakas is waiting until next Sunday to do the same.
Pedro Alvarez – 1-for-3 with a homer. Way to show up to the party 12 months late.
Lance Lynn – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks. Looking for someone that can come out of nowhere and be valuable? Here ya go.
Jeff Samardzija – 8 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks. Someone already grabbed Lance Lynn, but you’d prefer a guy with a last name you can’t pronounce? You’re in luck!
Matt Kemp – ESPN reported, Kemp homered on Sunday to extend his hitting streak to 16 games. Huh? Did the Dodgers and Padres play back-to-back-to-back quintupletheaders?
Dustin Moseley – To the DL with a strained right shoulder. What an odd thing to find in your colander.
Chase Headley – 1-for-2, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer in Petco and equaling his Petco homer output from last year. Chase “Doing Just Enough To Stay Rostered on Your Fantasy Teams” Headley.
Hector Santiago – With heat from the fantasy baseball community and Nolan Ryan, Robin Ventura finally relented and decided on Hector Santiago to close, saying Thornton will maintain his 8th inning role. Not sure why it took so long for Ventura to say that. It’s like the White Sox manager hat is The Mask.
No surprise that Johan Santana pitched well yesterday. Everyone pitched well yesterday (except relievers). Now I know what it was like to play fantasy baseball during the dead ball era. “Hey, Scoots, I got me a base hit from my second bagger! I’m so excited, but maybe that excitement is from this Coca-Cola that’s made from cocaine! I love me some fizzle! I’m gonna boil this Coca-Cola, then smoke the leftover brown soot. You want in, Scoots? Huh?!” Can’t everyone do the juice and then use FedEx? I miss the shrunken ball era! Did anyone even hit a ball out of the infield yesterday? Someone lower the mound six inches and use aluminum bats. Please! I need Justin Masterson looking like Bob Gibson like I need another hole in my head (I already have four; one of my ears closed up after listening to the Cleveland Indian announcers). Can’t say I wasn’t unpleasantly surprised to see Johan pitching. It would’ve been straight pleasantly, but I don’t own him anywhere. He’s not the pitcher he once was. He’s not going back to that, but he looked like he could be a fairly competent number three fantasy starter if — and this “if” is the size of Gilbert Grape’s mom — he can stay healthy. Though, after yesterday, every healthy pitcher may be a competent number three. Now go smoke some Coca-Cola soot! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Frank Francisco – A perfect inning save. It’s safe to drop Rauch and/or Parnell. If you want, pretend you’re going catch Rauch in a trust exercise, then let him drop. It’s more fun that way.
Jason Bay – 0-for-3. I’m putting the over/under at 24 months for how long until he’s out of baseball.
Andres Torres – Left the 7th inning with a calf strain. He’s headed to the DL. Boo. Or, I guess with an injured calf, it’s moo. Scott Hairston should now see starts against lefties. Jerry Hairston Sr., you named the wrong one after you! (And, really, how do you not name one of your sons, Harry?)
Kirk Nieuwenhuis – He sounds like a piece of furniture at Ikea, but don’t sleep on this guy! See what I did there? Yeah, I’m not sure either. Nieuwenhuis has double digit speed and power and should see the righties in the outfield platoon with Hairston. In NL-Only leagues, I’d definitely grab him because if he hits, he may push Bay to the bench.
Ian Desmond – 3-for-5 with a steal. I know he’s not going to hit .600 this year (though he will maintain his 162 steal pace), but can everyone stop putting a mirror up to his nose to see if he’s dead?
Brad Lidge – 1 IP, 0 ER as he got the save yesterday (though it wasn’t pretty. Though II, The Return of Though: Lidge hasn’t had a pretty save in three years). Davey Johnson said he’s going to alternate back and forth between Lidge and Rodriguez for saves. In other words, he’s doing the highly scientific method of Eeny Meeny Miney Moe.
Stephen Strasburg – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. Worked through seven innings with only 82 pitches. He dispatched of the Cubs Thirty Days’ War-quick. Woot, woot, House of Strasburg, raise your pith helmets!
Tommy Hanson – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. Saw glimpses of Hommy Tanson yesterday, but also saw glimpses of why I avoided him this year. He seemed to labor a bit through five innings only throwing in the upper-80′s, then luckily was bailed out by Kris Medlen, the newest flat-billed pitchypus.
Jason Heyward – 0-for-4, as he batted 7th against a lefty. I imagine he’ll move up to 6th vs. righties, but he needs to hit his way out of the bottom of the order, like, quickfast.
Ryan Dempster – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks. I don’t think I drafted him anywhere (Grey have too many teams), but I did like him in the preseason (member that phase of our life? It was seventy-two hours ago, which sounds like a bad action-thriller).
Bryan LaHair – Missed the opener because his back pain was too much to LaBear.
Alfredo Aceves – One game, one inherited runner allowed to score for the Tigers’ walkoff win. So far, so good! I thought Bobby Valentine was hitting the sauce when he put Alfredo in as the closer, but he wasn’t creamed yesterday (that was like a triple pun point), so I doubt anything’s changed with the bullpen situation. If anything, Melancon just made himself look worse. “Do I have to stand in the corner? Big Papi farted over there.” That’s Melancon after being scolded.
Ryan Sweeney – 2-for-4 with a triple. He’s in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell. His sister, Julia, is not.
Jay Bruce – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs, 1 run. One B, one R, one C, one E and eleven U’s, what do you get?
Zack Cozart – 2-for-4, 1 run. Bu-da-ba-bah-dah! Bu-da-ba-bah-dah! That’s Cozart’s Out Of The Minors Concerto played from the two hole.
Chris Heisey – Launched a double in his only at-bat. Might be the best 4th outfielder in baseball. Wait, that would mean Ludwick is better than him. Yeah, Heisey’s the best 3rd outfielder that is currently a 4th outfielder. Hopefully, Dusty and his toothpick get on the same page and move Ludwick to the pine. On a real baseball note, the Reds are gonna be tough this year.
Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks. He came up against a Miami club that left Crayola Canyon late on Wednesday and had to play again early on Thursday. I’m not reading too much into Cueto’s start (actually, I guess I am). I’m still not going in on Cueto.
Ryan Doumit – Slated to start in the outfield on Opening Day. Guess no one told the Twins Doumit is German for “Without Mitt.”
Scott Baker – It takes a certain kind of mettle to get injured while rehabbing from an injury and Baker’s heavy with that mettle.
Jonathan Broxton – The Royals named Broxton the closer. Too bad they didn’t also name a closer for the White Sox. Can go ahead and drop Holland.
Jack Hannahan – Hit a 3-run HR, his 3rd opening day HR. It’s too bad closing time at Hannahan’s is April 30th. Enjoy the happy hour specials while you can.
Justin Masterson – 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 10 Ks, but no win. Let’s see if you can guess the theme? Morroccan! No, Random Italicized Voice. The theme is great start from the starter followed by hideous relief.
Chris Perez – 2/3 IP, 3 ER and the blown save. Cleveland isn’t known for BBQ, but their closer sure looks like smoked meat. He should let Masterson go Brutus Beefcake on his mullet for blowing his awesome start. Perez owners – if you haven’t done it already – grab Signore Pestano.
Jose Bautista – 3-for-4 with his first home run (since I started believing him — I’ve been backwards dunked in Bautista’s waters!).
J.P. Arencibia – 1-for-7, 3 RBIs and a home run. Sounds about the going rate for Arencibia — he’s a one spicy catcher!
Brett Lawrie – 0-for-6. Drop him!
Roy Halladay – 8 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 5 Ks. Since Spring Training is still fresh in everyone’s brain, do you remember how ridiculous it was when people were saying Halladay’s lost velocity and getting pounded? I mean, it’s not like he was going against the 1988 A’s yesterday, but c’mon. Don’t aggravate Grey. You disrupt his mustache’s sheen.
Jose Valverde – 1 IP, 2 ER….and there goes the suspense for whether Valverde could go perfect in save opportunities for a 2nd year in a row. The last guy I remember being perfect was Lidge in 2008 and he had – gulp – 11 blown saves the next year. Anyway, in summary, Valverde sucked but owners can’t be mad because he got the conshellation prize, Verlander owners can’t be mad because he threw an awesome start, leagues with QS instead of Wins have already programmed out any Blown Save-related anger like a robot who can’t feel emotions.
Justin Verlander – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks. Of course, he pitched well. Dan Cortese from Rock ‘n Jock Softball could’ve pitched well yesterday.
Clayton Kershaw – Only pitched three innings because of a stomach flu. Or maybe Bobby Valentine is managing the Dodgers by satellite and thought Kershaw should be a middle reliever who starts games.
Kenley Jansen – 1 IP, 2 ER. I’m not sure there’s anything more frustrating than a middle reliever you know isn’t going to get saves that you own for ratio and strikeout help that gives up runs. It’s like you make an arrangement with a girl that it’s strictly a sexual relationship and then you meet her parents. During sex.
