Fantasy Baseball Advice

This isn’t meant to replace Smokey’s two-start pitchers for fantasy that comes every weekend. This is meant to supplement that, like something A-Rod’s cousin would give you. This isn’t two start pitchers, this is barely owned guys that could give you one start. A pick up and a drop. They’re all owned in less than 50% of ESPN leagues. Pretty much everything I told you in the beginning of the year about trusting your big guns and not trusting the wayward sons-of-bees goes out the window this time of year. If you’re battling for pitching points or in the H2H playoffs, you need to take some chances I wouldn’t necessarily take in April. Suddenly, Jeff Francis looks ownable and John Lannan doesn’t look like John Lannan, but looks like a guy whose home ERA is under 3. So I’ve assembled starters from Friday, the new Hump Day, until next Wednesday, the old Hump Day, that you could take a chance on depending on how bad your pitching shituation is. I’m not completely proud of all of these guys, but their mommas are (even Momma Lannan). Anyway, here’s some borderline starters for this week in fantasy baseball:

Friday, September 9th

Bud Norris – Has a great K-rate and goes against the Nationals, a team that is 2nd in the majors in strikeouts.  Could see him getting tagged for a homer or two, but should give you 6 innings and at least 6 Ks.  There’s a chance here for a 7 IP, 10 Ks game.  Fancy me some of that!

Jeff Francis – Game is in Safeco.  Yes, that’s all you need to know.  A recurring theme will emerge.  Recurring Theme, “Safeco!”  See?

Saturday, September 10th

Henderson Alvarez – My very-risky-may-not-be-risky-at-all start of the week.  Why do I sound like a less racist Jimmy The Greek?  Alvarez won’t strikeout many guys but, as long as balls don’t find holes — that’s what she said! — he should be okay.

Chris Capuano – Has been better in Metco than on the road and he gets the below-average Cubs offense at home.

John Lannan – I aforementioned this shizz if you read the lead — or lede if you’re an old-timer who likes the feel of a newspaper, Lannan’s home ERA is under 3 and he gets the Astros.

Edwin Jackson – This start worries me and I debated leaving it off, so there’s that.

Wade Miley – He gets the Padres.  This will be another recurring theme –  Recurring Theme, “Padres!” — but not for this week.  Recurring Theme, “My bad.”

Sunday, September 11th

Javier Vazquez – He falls under the 50% owned threshold, but he really shouldn’t.  So this one’s kind of a gimme.  Now watch him drop an upper decker.

Monday, September 12th

Brad Lincoln – Four score and four straight quality starts ago, he was a middle reliever.  Now he gets a team (the Cards) that he threw six shutout innings against.

Mike Leake – In 23 innings, he has a 2.74 ERA vs. the Cubs, including his last game where he was within an out of a one-hitter.

R.A. Dickey – He rematches against Wang for the Toilet Bowl II.

Phil Hughes – Recurring Theme, “Safeco!”

Aaron Harang – He goes against the Giants and rookie Surkamp, who I almost listed here too.  Conflict of interests yadda³.

Tuesday, September 13th

Guillermo Moscoso – Honestly, only because I had to pick someone.  It’s Tuesday the 13th… Spooky!

Wednesday, September 14th

Brandon McCarthy – I expect he’s gonna get rattled in his Friday start vs. the Rangers because, ya know, they’re good.  Here he goes against the Torii Hunter Peter Bourjos Vernon Wells Howie Kendrick Mark Trumbo-led Angels.

Chris Narveson – There’s a chance this start may not happen, but if it does against Colorado… Keep on pushing my love to the borderline…fantasy baseball starters.

Finally Jim Mora and Robert Horry will pay attention to their fantasy baseball teams.  Last week got all flummoxed with all that Irene business. Not my fault the patent is still pending on my weather machine. This week let’s hope we are back to some sense of normalcy.  Wait, off course we are…  Strasburg is back!  It’s like the Beatles playing Shea in ‘63.  No, not really, but it’s still exciting.  Some playoff systems lock their rosters so if your reading this to just read this, thanks for being a faithful reader.  Others, start as many as you can.  Stats are stats.  I would rather go down fighting than sit there like a bump on a log.  Well, good luck this week in both the fantasy baseball playoffs and the first week of fantasy football.  (Please keep in mind that pitchers and matchups change.)

ONE START OPTIONS:

9/7
Bruce Chen @ Oak – Moscoso
R.A. Dickey @ Fla – Hensley
Joe Saunders @Col – Millwood
Aaron Harang vs. SF – Cain

9/8
Mike Minor @ NYM – Gee
Luke Hochevar @ Sea – Vargas

9/9
Mark Buehrle vs. Cle – Gomez
Bud Norris vs. Was – Hernandez
Brandon McCarthy @ Tex – Lewis
Brett Cecil vs. Bal – Guthrie

Henderson Alvarez (Bos vs. Beckett, Bal vs. Reyes) Anyone who reads my posts knows I love me some ground ball pitchers, sop them up with a biscuit.  Temptation is there to sit him against the Sawx, but you do what you do.

Jake Westbrook (Mil vs. Wolf, Atl vs. Hudson) I am going to run out of biscuits this week.  Pitching better, I wanna pat him on the head and say it’s too late for the Cards, but I hate breaking peoples’ spirits.

James McDonald (Hou vs. Sosa, Fla vs. Vazquez) Return of the Mack…. Yes, I did.  Wow, that was my jam when I was crossing over out of my high top fade days.  His WHIP makes me do the sour pickle face, home starts make me do the pee pee dance but in a good way.

Fausto Carmona (Det vs. Porcello, @Chw vs. Stewart) His name translated means unsolvable enigma.  That’s really not true, but it was fun to type.  You know his whole story, he has been on this weekly post more than anyone.  Buy two-ply just in case.

John Lannan (LAD vs. Kuroda, Hou vs. Rodriguez) Home sweet home.  ERA is way lower and he needs to keep the place clean for when Stras’ pitches.

Josh Collmenter (@Col vs. Rogers, SD vs. LeBlanc) Start all D-Backs, no matter when, no matter where.  That’s my new theory.  It has replaced “eatin’ ain’t cheatin.”

Javier Vazquez (NYM vs. Capuano, @Pit vs. McDonald) I don’t know who is more of an agita inducer, him or Fausto.  Could be the Montezuma’s revenge kicking in.  Ks are always nice and I would always like to play for my great grandfather.

Henry Sosa (@Pit vs. McDonald, @Was vs. Strasburg) I really wanted to work both Stras’ starts in here, but left Ted Lilly at the bagel store.  27-year-old rookie basically getting by on deception.  Is this week’s “it’s 2 o’clock and I don’t want to sleep alone special.”

Felipe Paulino (@Oak vs. Harden, @Sea vs. Beavan) I was having a debate with a friend, who would be a better love therapist Phil Collins or REO Speedwagon?  You’re asking yourself,  “How does this relate to Felipe Paulino?”  It doesn’t but thanks for reading and now you’re thinking of Phil Collins.  Mission accomplished.

Wade Miley (@Col vs. Cook, SD vs. Stauffer) I like anyone who plays for the Snakes right now.  Team is gritty with neck tattoos and a gruff disposition.  Sounds like I was reading a profile off of American Grizzly.

Chris Capuano (@Fla vs. Vazquez, CHC vs. Wells) You’re welcome, I gave you 11 guys this week.  Mainly because I can’t count.

The Big Donkey, Adam Dunn, was a big ass.  Carlos Quentin’s status is TBD even when we know the ETA which we don’t right now.  This leaves Dayan Viciedo playing.  It’s addition by the subtraction of Ozzie’s choices.  “Can Brent Lillibridge play first and third at the same time?”  Things Ozzie has recently asked his bench coach.  Viciedo was always a top Cuban raftee and, through his first four games, he has a homer, steal and is batting .538.  Maybe we shouldn’t defrost Ted Williams’ head just yet, but you don’t need Mapquest to know he’s going in the right direction.  Not to mention, I’m not even sure Mapquest still exists.  Start a viable service and Google will take you over.  I like your concept, Groupon, I will now do the exact same thing.  With Viciedo’s 3rd base eligibility, he’s worth a flyer anywhere you need a corner infidel.  That’s right, patch Dayan into your team for Golda Meir.  (If you didn’t need to Google that last line, props to you.)  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Jack Hannahan – Perennial Carson favorite hit three homers in two days this week and .420 (stoner!) in August.  Didn’t hurt that he brought his liger to the clubhouse to scare Lonnie Chisenhall.

Kyle Seager – Last week I suggested he was like Omar Infante.  We’ll call him Omar Little.

Omar Infante – Speaking of the devil.  He’s been relatively hot recently.  If your relative is hitting near .300 over the last week.

Luke Hughes – Has four homers in the last week.  Maybe you should pick him up.  That’s my Hughes clues.

Dee Gordon – Guess who’s back?!  Dee Gordon, man (and three girl readers).  C’mon, that was easy.  His name is in front of this blurb.  If you need speed, Dee Gordon’s like Jeff Gordon without the car.  I have no idea if that makes sense.  I don’t know Nascar.  I’m guessing there are cars though since it’s in the name.  It’s not Nasbicycle.

Cliff Pennington – Hitting near .400 over the last week and has three steals in the last five games.  Plus, if you have a category in your league for Players That Sound Like They Should Be Wearing Plaid Pants, Cliff Pennington wins you that category.

Jose Altuve – Through 154 ABs, he has 2 homers, 4 steals and he’s hitting .305.  So, of course, his ESPN ownership went down from 9% to 7.4% this week.  I’m guessing Craig Biggio owns 20,000 fantasy teams and is bitter.

Mike Trout – 4 homers and batting .400 since his recall.  He’s a bit green, Scioscia may not play him, which has me blue, but if you don’t add him, you’re yellow.  And that’s my rainbow Trout.

Brandon Allen – I was thinking to myself, “Grey, there’s no reason to mention Allen this week.  He must already be over 50% owned in ESPN.  Also, could you scratch your back?  I’m itchy.  Thanks!”  Turns out Allen is nowhere near 50% owned.

Austin Jackson – I’m not a fan of a leadoff hitter with a sub-.320 OBP.  Rickey Henderson says, “Rickey Henderson says amen!”  But Jackson is currently hot, hitting near .400 over the last week.

Leonys Martin – I just went over my Leonys Martin fantasy.  I wrote it while sipping a Mint Julep, wearing a big floppy hat.

Alejandro De Aza – This is a pretty tentative buy.  He has been hot, but I think that could end by the time I finish this sent–

David Murphy – He’s the type that is unownable for the better part of a season then becomes relevant.  I wouldn’t put Baby Boo-Boo’s college fund on it, but I think he’s about to go through one of those relevant stretches.

Jordan Schafer – I wouldn’t pick up Schafer outside of a NL-Only league.  I don’t like where he’s playing, not a huge fan of his but he does provide some speed and a bit of Zimmermania.

Brandon McCarthy – Last game, he K’d 10.  He hasn’t had one month over a 4.00 ERA all year.  As for his lousy record… Too many Urkels on his team, that’s why his wins low.

Javier Vazquez – Hey, I was burned by him too.  I get it.  But he’s been good for two months now.  Stop being a pill and pick him up.

Doug Fister – Usually the lack of Ks is a problem — a than but no thans, but over his last 21 2/3 IP he has 18 Ks.  So that’s an old issue of Fister’s Journal, which I do not subscribe to and would not Google.

Bobby Parnell – You know what the kids in Washington Park say about this part of the Buy section?  Coca, puff-puff, SAGNOF!

Sergio Romo – You can’t tell me the whole time he was growing out his beard it wasn’t some kind of All About Eve plot brewing behind the scenes.  Just happens that Wilson gets hurt and Romo jumps in to replace him and all the windyweather fans in San Fran are like, “Hey, our touristy beards we bought at the souvenir stand still work!”  Then again, Santiago Casilla, Jeremy Affeldt or Ramon Ramirez might get saves too.

Steve Cishek – I think he gets the most saves in Florida in September and Nunez has multiple meltdowns.  It’s called a hunch, like how Guy Fieri eats a sandwich.

Jesus Montero – I just went over my Jesus Montero fantasy.  I wrote it while wearing an orange jumper, picking up litter on the side of the highway.

SELL

Freddie Freeman – Had a heck of a season, if you’re the type to use a word like heck.  Almost sorta blasphemy!  Freeman has 18 homers through 5 months.  What’s that?  3.6 homers per month?  It’s worth taking a chance on a hot hitter; you’re not gonna miss out on much with Freeman.  And what on earth does sixth-tenths of a homer look like anyway?

Michael Cuddyer – Another guy who has 18 homers on the year, but this schmohawk is also dealing with a hurt wrist.  Ride or Cuddyer?  I’d ride.

David Freese – He has 8 homers in 266 ABs this year.  So, unless he gets 400 ABs in September, I’m thinking you can move on to a hot schmotato.

Nelson Cruz – This kinda goes for any player that is on the DL.  If you don’t have DL room, lose him and move on.

Alexi Ogando – You guys had a good run.  Get his address and you can send him a postcard.  But get him off your team.

Tommy Hanson – Mmmdrop.

Mitch Moreland – Oh, mamma mia, mamma mia!  Mamma mia, let him go!

Kevin Gregg was handed his 6th blown save yesterday.  He’s tizzerrible.  I won’t defend him.  Your honor, no questions at this time.  I just don’t see the Orioles bothering to switch things up.  They’re defeated.  Look into their eyes and you see the shadow of Cal Ripken Jr. weeping with his back to you.  His shoulders go up and down and his sniffling, that’s how you can tell he’s crying.  Boog Powell asked that his BBQ stand at Camden Yards replace the pork and beans with pork and tiny violins.  Maybe Jim Johnson will see saves, but I wouldn’t drink that Kool-Aid.  Maybe Mike Gonzalez finally reverts to the donkeycorn he once was.  Maybe Kevin Gregg gets new athletic eyewear that doesn’t make him look like a dork.  The O’s average about 4 save opportunities per month.  I’d hold one of them and that’s it, preferably Gregg, though that might be the wrong choice of words.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jordan Walden – Reports are saying he’s tired.  Well, then go take a nap.  Maybe he’s exhausted from carrying around two last names all year.  If the Angels need to work around his fatigue, they’ll probably go with Takahashi or Downs.  Order is a coin flip.  Or as Al Pacino would say, “No, your order is a coin flip!”

Justin Morneau – He’s officially pulling a Kotchman as he suffers from mild concussion symptoms.  It’s as if his brain is a chicken wing joint and it just goes up and down the Scoville scale.  If I were him, I’d dip my head in bleu cheese after batting practice.

Michael Pineda – The Mariners have decided to shut down the rookie after 3 more starts.  I can’t believe they’re giving up their chance at a winning season.  How are they going to win 24 of their next 28 while keeping their 2nd best pitcher on the bench?  Fun aside:  his anagram is Pinhead Malice, which would be an awesome rock group name.

Brett Cecil – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Seems like every year he just sets himself up to be a sleeper the following year.  It’s his special purpose.

Brett Lawrie – 1-for-4 with his 6th homer, a day after stealing two bags.  That sound you hear is fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!) rubbing their hands together in anticipation of drafting Lawrie next year.

Jair Jurrjens – 6 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Wearing a ship captain’s hat, the Fangraphs Database yelled, “Regression, right ahead!”

Wade Miley – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  When he was first called up, I said I’d watch him for mixed leagues.  Well, I watched, and, well, whatevs.  I’m not risking my teams precious ratios on him unless I absolutely must gamble.

Stephen Strasburg – Will return next Tuesday, i.e., the day the Nationals become relevant again.  Livan Hernandez, “You know, I resent that.  Also, are you going to finish that lamb chop?”

Danny Espinosa – 1-for-3 with his 19th homer.  Has now hit in 6 straight games, which is a very optimistic way of saying he has one hit in each of his last 6 games.

Mike Morse – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs, 2 runs and his 23rd homer while he bats .318.  His BABIP is pretty high which makes me think next year when you have to draft him before the last rounds, he’s gonna disappoint.  As Shakira sang, BABIPs don’t lie.

Javier Vazquez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Was it too much to ask for him to do this in April before I dropped him from all my teams? I will now go step on the business end of a rake.

Mike Stanton – 3-for-4 with a slam & legs.  His dad reminds me of Jim Leyland.

Hanley Ramirez – Left his rehab start after his shoulder acted up.  It didn’t have the range for Hamlet.

Mike Trout – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and two homers as he beat up on the M’s and Mike Carp in what I’ll dub as The Fish Bowl.  Trout has homers now in his last two games.  The only problem is the Angels have played other games in that time while Trout’s sat on the bench.  With only two starts in the last week, it’s hard to fully get behind him.

Henry Sosa – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Did he splash water in his face after each inning a’la Sammy?  Or stick a needle in his ass?  This start comes after a 6 IP, 1 ER last time out.  Next time out could be 4 IP, 5 ER.  I would stay away.  Ixnay on the Enryhay.

Jose Altuve – 2-for-5 with a slam & legs.  He’s also hitting .313 in his 150 ABs so far. With his position eligibility, I’d definitely take the flyer if he’s out there.

Doug Fister – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Had a perfect game going into the 7th inning.  Jim Joyce, “Don’t look at me!”

Alfonso Soriano – 2-for-5, and now has homers in back-to-back games and 4 homers in the last week.  He’s not remotely exciting but he is currently hitting so there’s that.

Andre Ethier – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs with his 11th homer.  I’d say Colletti lit a fire under him but then he’d complain of a burned bum and wanna sit out on a block of ice.

Raul Ibanez – 3-for-5 with his 17th homer while being a total Gomer to Mayberry.

Ryan Howard – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 28th and 29th homers.  Would love to see a ten homer month of September from Howard.  Cust kayin’.

Tim Stauffer – 1 2/3 IP, 7 ER.  Wait, what?  Oh, God, no!  Wait, no, c’mon.  Really?  *sobs, shakes fist at the sky* Why?!  He’s lucky if all I do is drop him from all my teams.

Trevor Cahill – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Cahill always seemed to elicit the most feedback in the comments whenever I ragged on him.  “No, Grey, he deserves a parade and you’re gonna make the float out of your criticism!”  That’s except when he’s not pitching well.  Where did all the smarter than thou’s go?  Probably onto fantasy football.

Alejandro De Aza – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs with his 3rd homer.  His bag is, uh, stealing bags.  He’s also hitting over .350 in the last week.  Thankfully he’s yet to show up at a game dressed up like Adam Goldberg.  What was Lady Gaga doing at the VMAs?  Did I suddenly lose touch or was that a bad SNL sketch, like the ones at the end of the show, that just went on too long?  Or was she auditioning for a role in a Cassavetes movie?

Jason Motte – The newly-appointed-maybe closer worked the 8th inning while Salas got the save.  Yup.

Jack Hannahan – 3-for-4 and is now batting over .400 in the last week.  Where does he find the time between this and saving games for the Pirates?

Jeanmar Gomez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Could be a Cleveland streamer at any moment, i.e., stay away.  BTW, this was overhead in the clubhouse yesterday, “Jeanmar, may I ask if you’re Flemish?”  “Why do you ask?”  “Because saying your name makes me hock up phlegm.”

Matt LaPorta – Was demoted to Triple-A.  That’s right, LaPorta was shown the door.

I started writing this week and kept getting distracted by the notion of a “tease” starting pitcher.  These are guys we all see available every week at the top of our waiver wire.  For some reason they hop on and off rosters, faster than the Easter Bunny.  They all for some reason have an attractive quality, whether it be a great matchup, a previous decent start or just a general boyish quality that we find irresistible.  We see the numbers they produce and sometimes numbers tell a different story than what really is going on for fantasy purposes.  In the end, it comes down to picking a starting pitcher in a must win week is the same place that $30 steak goes to digest.  So with the eve of playoffs upon us, here are the lower end 2 start options for the week.  Good luck and happy fantasying. (Please keep in mind that pitchers and matchups change, especially with Irene running havoc.)

ONE START OPTIONS:

8/31
Brandon Beachy vs. Was – Lannan
Chris Capuano vs. Fla – Hensley
Ted Lilly vs. SD – LeBlanc
James McDonald @ Hou – Happ
Josh Collmenter vs. Col – Rogers

9/1
Fausto Carmona vs. Oak – Gonzalez
Luis Perez @ Bal – Matusz

9/2
Bruce Chen vs. Cle – Masterson
Guillermo Moscoso vs. Sea – pineda
Jeff Karstens @CHC – Dempster

Charlie Morton (@Hou vs. Sosa, @CHC vs. Wells) Was pitching well up until Thursday.  3 ER in previous 29 innings.  Jersey guys always get a little extra juice from me, hey, I’m a homer. Go root for your own state.

Brett Cecil (@Bal vs. Reyes, @NYY vs. Sabathia) We all root for the glasses, whether we admit it or not we do.  Is a typical tease fantasy pitcher, shows the goods, does bad gets dropped, rinse and repeat for next scheduled start.

Wade Davis (@Tor vs. Romero, Bal vs. Simon) ERA right at 3 in last 4 starts, and showing better K rate. Pitches better at the Trop and I gamble more at the Trop, so the Baltimore start looks like a winner to me. This lesson in transitive theory is brought to you by Gamblers Anonymous.

Javier Vazquez (NYM vs. Pelfrey, Phi vs. Hamels) If consistency were pants, he would be wearing cargo jorts. Recently moved into the top 30 all-time in K’s, congrats.  We come for the K’s and cry when we get everything else.

Livan Hernandez (@Atl vs. Lowe, NYM vs. Pelfrey) I don’t know if anyone watches his starts, but he is fun to watch. Throws slower than his jersey number.  Is the Latino Houdini of pitchers, better known  to those in the know as El Mago.

Doug Fister (KC vs. Francis, CHW vs. Buehrle) Since trade he is 3-1, with an ERA in the mid 3’s.  Toss that record out the window, make sure the window is open first, genius.  It’s not next year but a full year in Detriot with that offense and he is a 15 game winner.

Brandon McCarthy (@Cle vs. Tomlin, Sea vs. Vargas) Loved his work in Mannequin.  Is in the growing trend this week of tease pitchers, cusp rosterable guys that matchup-wise are more attractive.

Homer Bailey (Phi vs. Worley, STL vs. Garcia) The Iliad, a funny catchphrase and a civil rights activist.  See Homers have actually done something good in history.  What you see is what you get, he isn’t the former top pitching spec we all want him to be.  Sorry, I hear hearts breaking all over the Midwest.

Derek Lowe (Was vs. Livan, LA vs. Kuroda) Team is 20 games over .500 and he has 23% of the losses.  Yeah, that sounds awesome from a fantasy perspective.  So grab your sneakers and chase those wins.

Blake Beavan (Ana vs. Pineiro, @Oak vs. Cahill) On here for 1 reason, he has beat both these teams previously.  Tends to get beat up by good hitting teams, which for the less in the know means his secondary pitches aren’t inspiring.  Doesn’t K enough for full fantasy usefulness.