I have Michael Jackson’s autograph from his three distinct artistic periods — Jackson 5, breakout solo artist, fondler — and while they are priceless, I’m going to put them by this open window–NOOOOO!!! Torenado!!! I been pouring out some liquor for the fact that Arenado’s homers are gone, gone, gone. And trying to help fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!) if their Correa is gone. And since Arenado starting to bubble like a tub full of Calgon. Guess it’s only right that I should help you with how much Nolan Arenado hits are gone. Sorry, that song was on my iTunes, and felt appropriate. If my baby boo bae, Giancarlo, wasn’t metaphorically already all over my bedsheets, Arenado would be right there. Yesterday, he went 5-for-6, 4 runs, 7 RBIs with three homers (19, 20, 21), and the summer is here in Coors. Yippee, you mothertruckers! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Let me know if you can tell what song I’m listening to while I write this. Scott Schebler hit his 13th home run; it was the third straight game with a homer. Whoa, make me sweaty (Bam-ba-Lam)! I’ve mentioned before (numerous times) that Schebler was always loved by Razzball/Steamer projections, but why? He’s so rock steady (Bam-ba-Lam)! Whoa, Dave Righetti (Bam-ba-Lam)! Schebler took a while to catch on, but he’s still only 26, and, as a 23-year-old in the minors, he hit 28 HRs and stole 10 bases while hitting .280 in Double-A, and continued that in Triple-A, always hitting for power and getting some steals. He’s not from Birmingham (Bam-ba-Lam)! Way down in Alabam’ (Bam-ba-Lam)! Well, he’s shakin’ that thing (Bam-ba-Lam)! Boy, he makes me sing (Bam-ba-Lam)! Whoa, drop confetti (Bam-ba-Lam)! Across the board now, ROS projections are singing Schebler’s praises and I’m done fighting him. If you combine his ROS projections and what he’s done so far, they have him down for a 30 HR, 10 SBs, .255 guy. Whoa, pot of neti, (Bam-ba-Lam)! At this point, there’s no reason to not own Schebler until further notice. Whoa, sometimes I dress my dog up like a yeti, (Bam-ba-Lam)! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, Jose Berrios went 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 11 Ks, bringing his two-game ERA to 0.59. Hi ho the Berrios, snitches! Here’s what I said previously on Jose Berrios (because this is instructive, and not out of laziness), “In Triple-A, Berrios threw 75 2/3 IP and had a 2.62 ERA with a 9.9 K/9 and a 1.7 BB/9. That’s Sizzlean that you leave on top of your camel’s head as you gallop through the Sahara heat. You don’t usually see that kind of sample size — that’s what she said! — in Triple-A. You know why? Most major league teams promote guys who are as good as Berrios. Most teams also don’t tie a player’s paycheck to a string then drag said check right in front of the player’s feet, just out of their reach.” And that’s me quoting me! Here’s the kicker. That was from two years ago! I’ve loved this guy for a long time — that’s not what she said! His first two games I’d describe as ‘a little difficult’ to pretty easy. His next start at Baltimore will be the true test. If you’re in a competitive league, you need to own him now before he goes out and throws a gem in Balty-more (they call it that, right?). Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Francisco Rodriguez was removed from the closer job, because he was being sued by a dumpster fire for trademark infringement. A portion of the deposition transcript follows:
“Is it true that you were passing an alleyway behind a Subway sandwich shop in late-March when you remarked to your friend, Nicholas Castellanos, that you thought it would be cool to also be a dumpster fire?”
“Leading the witness.”
“I’ll rephrase. What did you say to Nicholas Castellanos when you saw a dumpster fire?”
“I could be that.”
“That dumpster fire?”
“Yes! It was aglow like E.T.’s finger! I am the Icarus of refuse!” So, Francisco Rodriguez is out, and Justin Wilson is in as the Tigers’ closer. I’d guess the Tigers will try to go back to K-Rod at some point, but I’d also think it won’t turn out any better, and Wilson will end up being a solid closer, maybe even a Donkeycorn. I’d grab Wilson in all leagues. Then, there’s the case of Mark Melancon, who was DL’d due to an injury near his forearm. “But I just learned it’s not a Hard C!” That’s a Giants fan. This might be me overreacting, but an injury near a forearm for a closer sounds like trouble. There’s been some disagreement about who will take over, and I grabbed Hunter Strickland and Derek Law where I could, but I’m also like Pookie for SAGNOF, fiending for saves. *smacks veins* Give me more setup men! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
True story, I told Cougs that I had the hots for Maria Conchita Alonso, and she was like, “You know the woman who walks her Yorkie off leash in the neighborhood that Ted always tries to hump?” I answered in the affirmative. I hate people who have their dogs off leash. It’s like people who bring their dog into the supermarket. I love dogs, but I don’t need Arfer Woofruff licking my bottle of Kombucha. Any hoo! As you likely figured, the woman with her Yorkie off leash is Maria Conchita Alonso, and she’s no longer hot because she can’t follow the rules! So, guys and five girl readers, Yonder Alonso has nine homers. Quite the change from a guy who used to be Hither Alonso. Okay, Imma let Fangraphs Database finish about launch angle and exit velocity, but Yonder Alonso is the greatest 1st baseman waiver wire pick up right now. Yonder Alonso had two homers on Saturday and added his ninth on Sunday, and I’d grab him everywhere. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Greetings! Ahhh, memories, this title brings me back to my childhood where I grew up in Bishop Eddie Lamont’s house for boys, raised and praised as his adopted son. It was only later I discovered I was the heir to House Beddict, when I reconnected with my birth parents. Met my father in rehab, actually. Funny story. I learned we both share a weakness for mule-ass’d women and peyote. A tale for another time, my goodmen. A tale for another time…
What I’m really here for, as I pound away on my keyboard in what seems to be the most barbarian rain/lightening/thunderstorm I’ve ever experienced, is to give praises of the highest order to Philadelphia’s most promising young male since Will Smith. Philly management, the parents if you will, just don’t understand, and they thought it was a good idea to move him to the bench, where he wouldn’t cause any trouble, and the great Howard Kendrick would take his place. We know how Will Smith’s story concluded, as he made it big in L.A. after grinding at the Peacock for years, taking down countless honeys, and delivering more one-liners than Stephen Dorff in a Las Vegas nightclub bathroom.
Altherr has seemingly responded much in the same fashion, as he has continuously made rice cakes out of baseballs, mushing three balls out of the ballpark and swiping a couple bags to boot. Trying to find answers for as to why a rebuilding team wouldn’t give the starting job to one of their young, exciting players reaches far beyond the reaches of my intellect. They’d rather sign a soon to be 34-year-old, former second baseman, who hit .255 with EIGHT homers last season to help carry them to the a surprise title? I’m seriously confused… and offended… angry even. Altherr’s BABIP sits at a mind-humping .417, which obviously will most definitely not continue, BUT I still expect Altherr to have a very productive season, where 15-15 is well within reach. Say one thing for Aaron Altherr, say he’s earned my respect. He’s also earned my trust but if I said that, then, well then it would be two things.
Here’s what else is weighing heavily on my mind… Take Heed!Please, blog, may I have some more?
Corey Kluber left yesterday’s game with lower back discomfort, before giving up five earned in three innings to the Tigers. In every game, the Tigers look like John Jaso, just dreadful. I mean, you ain’t got no alibi. U-G-L-Y. Then Kluber makes them look like The Ghost of Charley Lau is gliding each bat from beyond the grave. “Don’t worry, Alex Avila, I will help you hit .400 and don’t forget to buy your mother a gift for Mother’s Day.” “Hey, Ghost of Charley Lau, you help with the hitting and let my iCal do the rest!” That’s so ungrateful, Alex Avila! Looking at Kluber’s peripherals, there’s some cause for concern, but cause for optimism too, assuming his back will be fine (maybe a large assumption). His velocity is down a hair, but his Ks, walks, and xFIP are not saying he should be pummeled like a gymnast’s horse. His Aprils have been terrible for the last two years (yes, I know we’re in May), so I’m hoping Kluber comes out of it. At worst, he’s a 3.70 ERA guy with 200+ Ks. At best, it all still comes together. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, Josh Harrison hit two homers (3, 4), raising his average to .313 and hitting near-.350 in the last week. He’s hitting like two-thousand against lefties, so the Hitter-Tron was all over him yesterday, like it’s all over grease spots with its dipstick. Hitter-Tron is a horny robot! You think the Hitter-Tron will ever meet up with the lonely AF Stream-o-Nator? They seem like a match made in heaven like popcorn and chicken, Kim and Kanye or Oprah and Gayle. On a larger, more general note, on our Hitter-Tron (and Stream-o-Nator) we have the ownership numbers for our RCL leagues (12-team mixed), and Harrison is owned in 89% of leagues, so, this brings me to my long-drawn-out question, how in Jane Goodall’s understated-sexiness is Harrison only owned in 25% of ESPN leagues? Honestly, seriously, awkward sentence introly, I don’t think ESPN updates their ownership numbers on the reg (not short for Reginald). Guys and five gals, this is exposing some large widespread conspiracy. Maybe we should check in with Gregory in ESPN’s “Fantasy Ownership” Department. Gregory, what do you think? “Mike Trout just fell to 99.3% owned.” All righty then. If Harrison is unowned in your league, you should fix that, if for no other reason, so we can see if Gregory updates the numbers. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
There’s no denying that Madison Bumgarner works hard. Well, he plays even harder. So it should have come as no surprise when news broke that the San Francisco ace was placed on the disabled list after injuring his left shoulder in a dirt bike accident. Wait. You were doing WHAT? But why!? You can’t expect Madison to get his kicks doing regular pleb things like playing Xbox or frisbee golf, it’s gotta be EXTREME. Regardless, this is a huge blow for Giants fans and Bumgarner owners alike. Madison is sporting a 3.00 ERA, 1.07 WHIP and 28/4 K/BB rate through four starts and early reports suggest he is set to miss over two months. Bummer. But honestly, what do you want from the guy? For him to not participate in dangerous extreme sports on his days off? I mean, come on, his hands were tied. Ty Blach is set to fill in the interim. Blach and his just 21.2 innings of major league experience. Blach is a ground ball pitcher with just a 13.4% strikeout rate, so he’s probably not the answer to your Bumgarner woes. More like, Ty Blech, right? Lol. He is slated to take on the Dodgers next week, but if you’re feeling dangerous you’d likely be better off dirt biking than picking up Ty Blach outside of deep NL-Only leagues. Here’s hoping at the very least Bumgarner got some sick air.
Here’s what else I saw in fantasy baseball Friday night:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Long ago, when I was but a young boy, I would decipher Matthew Berry articles on ESPN, strategizing for my fantasy baseball draft with all my closest associates, writhing in anticipation. Soaked like I was just urinated on by a large pack of giraffes, waking up from dreams soaked in sweat, I wasn’t sure if this was all real or not. Did I really help cover up the murder of a stripper last night? Did I sleep with Anna-Nicole Smith? Isn’t she dead? I just adored fantasy baseball! Anyway, this went on for a few years until a grand man by the name of Josephine Morris told me of a certain gentleman, a mustached little man who curiously resembled Don Mattingly. Josephine told me:
“You, Tehol, my closest and must trusted friend, have mastered fantasy baseball. That is, mastered it against peasants like our peanut-brained friends… but if you want to go to another level of metaphysical wizardry, well, then you must go to a a little place where the beer flows like wine and the seagulls flock like the salmon of Capistrano… a little place called… Razzball.com…”
The rest is history. But now you know there was a man named Grey Albright and he saved me… in every way a person can be saved.Please, blog, may I have some more?