Fantasy Baseball Advice

Tommy Hanson is having his next start pushed back.  Well, it’s not official yet according to the Braves.  But they read Razzball, so we’ll just say it’s official now.  Even if Hanson’s next start isn’t pushed back, it should be.  On Saturday he looked like Rocky Dennis trying on a fitted ball cap.  If you got nothing nice to say, say nothing.  Athletes live by that adage.  So when the media asked Hanson about his shoulder after the game on Saturday, he refused to talk about it.  Earlier in the year, Hanson went to the DL with rotator cuff tendinitis.  A’la Paul Hogan, “That’s not a red flag… THIS IS A RED FLAG!”  My best guess is he’ll be on the Disgraceful List by this time tomorrow.  What time am I writing this?  Geez, a little in my business, no?  Let’s just say it’s prior to dinner, but after my afternoon Cheetos break.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jason Kubel – 3-for-4 with his 9th homer.  He now has three homers in the last six games.  When I say hot, you say schmotato… Hot… Schmotato… Hot…Schmotato… Pot…Schmo– Gotcha!

Jesus Guzman - 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and a steal.  Has now hit in 9 out of his last 10 games.  Jesus obviously feels right at home with the Friars.

Chase Headley – Out for 6 weeks with a fractured pinkie.  His Inky, Blinky and Clyde are said to be resting comfortably.

Heath Bell – 1/3 IP, 3 ER and the blown save in Metco.  If you’re upset about your treatment while a Met, that’s not exactly how you prove people wrong.  Cust kayin’.

Jason Bay – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer in three games, and he’s also 6 for his last 11 as he spices up the Mets’ lineup with a little of the old Bay.

Mike Minor - Hasn’t been all peaches and cream so far for Minor, but he could take Hanson’s place if he is indeed bumped.  Hey, when a pitcher is struggling and bumped from a rotation, we should call that bumping uglies.  Okay, carry on.

Alex Gonzalez - 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer.  He’s now hit in 9 of the last 10 games, which is a polite way of saying he’s hitting around .280 in the last ten games.  Maybe Adam Dunn is the only one impressed by that.

Scott Baker – 6 IP, 5 ER.  Sounds like he’s headed to the DL again.  Too bad, so sad.

Jeremy Hellickson – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks.  ERA now sits at 3.05 to go with a 1.14 WHIP.  His Ks are a little low, but Hellickson’s having a, um, hell of a year.  I could see the Rays being conservative with his innings towards the tail end of the year once they’re (un)officially eliminated.

Carlos Carrasco – To the DL for the 2nd time with right elbow inflammation.  He still has a suspension to serve too, so that’s ‘bow biding.

Shin-Soo Choo – Hitless in his first rehab game.  Sounds like he picked up right where he left off!

Gordon Beckham – 1-for-4 with his 9th homer.  As he crossed home plate, he should’ve bit Matt Wieters’s arm off to punctuate how this homer was him rising from the dead.

Alex Rios – 2-for-4 with a steal.  Speaking of zombies, he must’ve got a talking to from his agent last week about how much money he won’t earn if he continues to lollygag because he’s 7 for his last 13.  Though I wouldn’t be exactly confident in trusting him again, i.e. if you pick up Rios, you may get all wet.  Spanish pun point!  Or puno!

John Danks – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Is it me or is it every time Danks or Gavin Floyd seem ownable, they write “I stink” in their own excrement on the walls of your fantasy team?

J.J. Hardy – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 20th homer.  If you would’ve jumped out of DeLorean in April and told me one of my best pickups in multiple leagues would be J.J. Hardy, I would’ve called you a mental patient or said I had a bunch of teams not doing very well.  The latter’s not exactly untrue, assuming I know my latter from my former.

Josh Johnson – Threw for 10 minutes yesterday.  Sweet, now if he can get in one pitch every three seconds, he’s ready for big league action!

J.D. Martinez – Homered on Saturday and went deep again yesterday.  And that’s about all the enthusiasm I can work up for an Astros hitter.  I mean, their corner outfielders right now are J.D Martinez and J.B. Shuck.  Where’s I.P. Freely?

Daniel Hudson – 3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 1 K and 3 more unearned runs for the ticker shock.  Still, against the Astros?  Really?

Homer Bailey – 3 IP, 5 ER.  Aren’t you glad you listened to me and didn’t pick him up?  Oh, you didn’t listen.  Well, I guess you’ll blame that on me too.

Jay Bruce – Homered yesterday.  How does he go from 12 homers in May to next to nothing for two-plus months?  Does he want to be maddeningly frustrating?  Because that’s about as much fun as trying to say maddeningly.

Seth Smith – The Lisper’s Nightmare went deep twith.

Placido Polanco – Said he hopes to play through a sports hernia.  That takes balls.

Bobby Jenks – Undergoing a colonoscopy.  Ironically enough, Colon just got his Jenks tested.  It required turning to his left and coughing.

Collin Cowgill sounds like a Texas radio personality or a DC Comic character, but is actually the Diamondbacks’ fifth round pick from 2008 that is killing the minor leagues.  (That’s the urbandictionary killing, which is actually good.  I’m hip, snitches!)  In 97 games, 13 homers and 29 steals with a .354 average.  It was in the PCL though, where they pump helium into their stadiums.  And, now, guess what?  Well, he’s getting called up, I mean that’s obvious, isn’t it?  Why else am I talking about him?  In deeper leagues, I’d grab Cowgill to see if he can translate his power and speed combo to the majors.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ian Kinsler – 4-for-6, 4 RBIs and his 16th homer.  Andrus went 3-for-6, 2 RBIs; Hamilton 2-for-4, 3 RBIs; Napoli 4-for-5; Cruz 4-for-6; Young hit a homer.  Frankly, the Rangers scoring summary was denser than David Foster Wallace footnotes.

Chris Davis – 0-for-6 while the Rangers scored 20 runs.  That is an incredible ticker tease.  It almost seems mathematically impossible it’s so epic.  Though Davis is more like a career tease.  He wears low cut skirts and a chastity belt.  (BTW, Davis also had two errors.  Too bad none of my fantasy teams have a slot for a futility player.)

Pedro Alvarez – 1-for-3 yesterday as he was promoted after Alex Presley was seen leaving the building.  I think the Pirates and Pedro agreed to forget that the first half ever happened.  Pirates collective voice, “Pedro, just hit like you did last 2nd half.  We’ll blame the first half on one of the many subpar 3Bs we’ve had over the years.  Pedro Alvarez, nah?  That was Jose Hernandez.  Or Andy LaRoche.  Or Jose Bautista– Oops, can’t use that one anymore.”

James McDonald – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks.  He was in last Friday’s Buy/Sell.  He was on the left side, which is the right side.  Weird!

Chipper Jones – 2-for-4 with a slam and legs as he returned from the DL.  Unfortunately, this is Glass Chipper we’re talking about and he was removed from the game with a tight quad.  I’d say he’s day-to-day, but with Chipper it’s more like minute-to-minute.

Cliff Lee – 4 IP, 5 ER vs. the Padres in Philly.  Imagine the Padres called a hitter-friendly stadium home?  Then they’d have mediocre pitching to go along with mediocre hitting.

R.A. Dickey – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. Mike Leake (6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks).  How do they have a Dickey/Leake matchup and not have former Reds pitching coach, Dick Pole, throw out the first pitch?  Okay, okay.  Instead of saying a ball was hit up the middle, the announcers should’ve said it went through the vas deferns.  All right, all right.  When Dickey was facing Leake, did he shake off the curve?  Okay, that’s enough.  Geez.

Jason Isringhausen – Got another save, but you should wait until the trading deadline to drop Parnell.  That’s me reiterating me!

Dan Haren – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Finally someone snuck in and changed his calendars back to June.  See, you don’t need acne to get proactive.

Jason Kubel – 2-for-4 and a homer.  I’m not a huge fan, but if you’re struggling for power, wouldn’t hurt to try Kubel.

Ezequiel Carrera – 0-for-3.  Know what would be utterly fantastic?  If the guy whose name is Spanish for squirrel, would run like one.  Stop worrying about your Amish morals and steal a base, Ezequiel!

Fausto Carmona – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I wouldn’t own Fausto in any league so this isn’t about him.  Do you get the sense the Indians are hoping they lose some games so they don’t have to pretend to trade for players?

Carlos Lee – 1-for-4 with a grand slam.  2nd day in a row with a homer.  Looks like Chuck Lee is the Flavor Flav of the week for power.

Colby Rasmus – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs with his 2nd homer in two games.  You can keep beating down Colby, but he’s a Survivor.

Yadier Molina – The youngest member of the Flying Molina Bros. has now hit a homer in three straight games.

Lance Berkman – Big Puma is out for a day or two with a rotator cuff strain.  Coincidentally, my Mercury Cougar’s out for a day or two with an alternator issue.  Nothing a little mustache grease can’t fix.

Jose Altuve – 3-for-4, now hitting .412 since his call up.  If you’re having issues with your middle infidel, could be worth the flyer.

Mark Buehrle – 6 IP, 0 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Season ERA at 3.22.  Him and Danks are like Trader Joe’s wine.  Are you impressing anyone with it?  Nope, but it does get the job done and it’s not as bad as you think.

Sergio Santos – Didn’t get the save because Ozzie had Sale open the ninth in a 3-run game.  After the game, Ozzie tweeted, “My H2H opponent has Santos.  #sorryputas”

Juan Pierre – 2-for-5 with his 16th steal and 12th caught stealing.  Jonah Hill in Moneyball would not be impressed.

Jason Vargas – 4 IP, 4 ER.  I said this last time, but not everyone reads every day.  I get it, you have to tend to your crops in Farmville.  Either way, Vargas is no longer ownable in most mixed leagues.

Kevin Youkilis – Left Monday’s contest with hamstring tightness.  The Jewish Youkilis should know better than to mess with hamstrings.

Desmond Jennings – 2-for-4 with his 3rd steal.  I’m gonna photocopy Jennings’ face onto a thousand doilies and fashion a dress out of it, then walk around singing, “Don’t mess with my Desmond Tutu!”

Rubby de la Rosa – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Now has an ERA of 3.49.  I have my shades drawn so my solar calculator doesn’t work, but could someone tell me the collective ERA for all starters in the NL West?

Aaron Harang – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks.  The Harangutan now has 9 wins and a 3.45 ERA.  Boy am I glad I drafted Liriano!

Cameron Maybin – Out for a few games with a strained hip flexor.  When he returns, his coming up to bat song will no longer be The Twist.

Kyle Blanks – 7 Ks in 13 ABs.  He fills in the blanks with K’s.  Yi_es!  Quit stri_ing out, you motherfuc_er!

Replacing Phil Coke in the Tigers rotation is Charlie Furbush.  It’s about time that Leyland gave Furbush a mustache ride.  Furbush also sounds like a character description for someone in a Woodstock documentary.  Or a character name in a 70′s porn flick made by Leyland called, “The Marlboro Mandingo.”  That was co-starring Virginia Slim.  Furbush looked great in the minors, posting a solid K-rate while keeping his walks in line.  He is not a 2-something ERA pitcher as he’s shown so far this year.  He’s leaving 93% of men on base, that won’t continue.  He can give you around a 7 K-rate with a 3.75 to 4.00 ERA.  I’d grab Furbush in H2H mixed leagues for matchups and in AL-Only leagues.  In roto mixed leagues, you can grab him in certain circumstances, but caveat emptor for our Latin readers.  (BTW, To all the Googlers who searched for Furbush and weren’t looking for a fantasy baseball site — howdy!)  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Cole Hamels – Hit on his hand by a comebacker, but x-rays came back negative.  Speaking of negatives that are positive, yesterday frequent commenter DHill Dragons pointed out the Phillies starting staff in June had a 1.96 ERA.  A Philly quartet hasn’t been this hot since Boys II Men.

Mark Ellis – The Rockies acquired him.  You know what the Rockies really needed?  Another utility infieder.  Can’t they save Melvin Mora from retirement while they’re at it?  Ellis is 34 and 4 years removed from a solid season.  I wouldn’t grab him in anything but NL-Only leagues, and there oekávání, which is me putting expectations in Czech.

Jemile Weeks – 2-for-5, hitting .309 with 6 steals in 21 games since his call-up.  With Ellis taking his extraordinarily ordinary talents to Colorado, Weeks is the everyday 2nd baseman for the A’s, and has been leading off.  At this point, he’s worth a flyer in all mixed leagues if you’re struggling with your middle infidel.

Jon Lester – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Matthew Berry wrote a post yesterday about how he’d trade Lester for Beachy.  “I go big or I go home!”  That’s Berry.  I like Beachy.  March Grey told you to draft Beachy on all your teams, but, uh, has Berry been institutionalized?  His posts are too long for a 100 monkeys with a 100 typewriters to put them together, aren’t they?  “Mordecai the Monkey, type more fantasy baseball and less Shakespearean sonnets!  I’ve got deadlines!”  That’s Berry again.

Kevin Youkilis – X-rays came back negative on his ankle, even though he seems more like a cankle person.  For now he’s day-to-day.  Or Day II Day, if you’re into R&B.

Neil Walker – Sat out with back soreness.  Hurdle said, “I’m trying to be proactive with it.”  Does he have acne too?

Carlos Lee – 1-for-2 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  If someone grew bored of him in your league, I’d take a chance that he’s heating up.  If someone didn’t grow bored of him, I worry about the competitiveness of your league.

Carlos Zambrano – Left in the 2nd inning with back soreness.  Damnbacko!

CC Sabathia – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 13 Ks.  That tied his career high in Ks, getting the one man who can get on a seesaw with him, Prince Fielder, three times.

Chris Volstad – 7 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners.  Two weeks ago, I pointed out he should be much better.  Since then, 20 2/3 IP and 3 earned runs, lowering his overall ERA by more than one full run.

Andy Dirks – 2-for-3 with his 6th homer in 34 games and stole his 3rd bag for the always coveted slam & legs.  I should’ve mentioned him yesterday when he hit a home run in his 2nd straight game, but everyone homered on Wednesday for the Tigers.  Now Dirks has three straight games with dongs (great, now more disappointed Googlers).  I don’t trust Leyland to sit Mags for Dirks indefinitely, so playing time appears to be an issue.

Brian Matusz – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER and optioned to the minors.  Or maybe that’s the minorsz.

Jason Kubel – Had a setback during his rehab.  Just think of this as a wake-up call that if you’re waiting for Kubel, you have bigger fish to fry.

Aramis Ramirez – 1-for-5 with his 10th home run and his 8th in June.  For s’s and g’s, let’s look at what I said on May 30th, “(Aramis) tends to get scolding hot for extended stretches, so if someone dropped him in your league, I’d grab him.”  Prescient isn’t just a word you can’t pronounce!

Geovany Soto – Hit his 8th home run yesterday.  Will be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  I wrote it while jumping Double Dutch.

Pablo Sandoval – He needed thirteen innings but Kung Fu Panda got a slam & legs.  Guess it was more like a sous-vide slam & legs.

Lance Berkman – With his 19th and 20th home runs yesterday.  Fine, I pulled the plug on him a little too early with my sell at the beginning of May.  He did hit .262 in May and .210 in June, but the power doesn’t seem like it’s drying up.  Though I still wouldn’t go out and trade for him.

Jon Jay – 3-for-5 and a homer.  Has now hit in 6 of the last seven games with 2 homers.  It’s something.  Or it’something, if you’re in a rush.

Brett Cecil – 6 1/3 IP, 6 ER.  Man, that is a spot-on impersonation of Brett Cecil from April.  What a gooftard!

Jeff Kartsens – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks.  He reminds me of a National League version of Jason Vargas.  It’s neither a compliment or an insult.

Justin Morneau – Underwent neck surgery and will be out until the end of August.  I will Morneau-more for this schmohawk.

Jake Peavy – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Used to be when he was healthy he’d at least pitch well.  He’s at a 4.47 ERA and you’re holding onto him for his name value.  What, him being on your team is gonna get you a reservation at The French Laundry?  Look elsewhere.

Gordon Beckham – 3-for-3 with his 7th home run.  He hit .354 last July and had a much better 2nd half of the season.  Okay, anyone could’ve had a better 2nd half than his 1st half, but still…

Adam Dunn – Ozzie batted him 3rd yesterday.  That’s like the Melrose Place All-Stars hitting Marcia Cross, sans wig, third.  BTW, Rudy and I had a fifteen minute conversation on IM yesterday about a Melrose Place All-Star lineup (25 episode minimum).  Bisset’s leading off — you always want her to get on base.  Courtney Thorne-Smith is hitting 2nd.  Solid, reliable and can get the runner over.  Locklear’s third, ’nuff said.  Alyssa Milano’s hitting cleanup — always gets you to third, sometimes home.  Brooke Langton is fifth as an unsung hero that could fall into a slump very easily.  Daphne Zuniga’s sixth because she had some better years elsewhere (Spaceballs).  Jamie Luner hitting seventh and catching…um…moving on.  In the eight hole, Kristin Davis — annoying, pesky hitter.  Finally, Kelly Rutherford can turn over the lineup.  Laura Leighton did not make the lineup because she’s freakin’ crazy and ruined all team chemistry and keyed my car.

Actually, the title’s completely inaccurate.  I don’t rock rough or anything with Aubrey Huff.  I think he’s one of the few players in the major leagues that I’ve never owned anywhere.   Sometime you gotta give me a call and let me know what it’s like to own him, loyal Razzball reader.  Um, yeah, my number’s listed.  Under mustache.  Speaking of which, is there anything sadder than the people who call you to see if you got a Yellow Pages?  Not only am I not sure why they still make Yellow Pages, but calling to find out if I got it?  Really?  Are they calling from 1987?  Hey, go see the movie Wall Street, it’s great!  So, Aubrey Huff hit three homers and drove in 6.  In the last two games, four homers.   It’s terrific, but I still think he falls way short of last year’s numbers.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Xavier Paul – 4-for-5, 2 steals (and attempted a third).  Now for the Mystique behind X-Man. He failed to catch on with the Dodgers then they went with Jay Gibbons, Jane Goodall’s favorite player, but now he’s getting a “kinda” look in Pittsburgh.  He also likes long walks on a beach and juggling oranges.  Sorry, I pulled that from his Plenty of Fish profile. (BTW, That site name is really close to Plenty Oafish, which could describe some of the men on there.  Am I right, three lady readers, or am I right-right?)  Paul looks like he could swipe 20 bags with full-time duty (hehe, I said duty) and hit 10 home runs.  In other words, a poor man’s Angel Pagan without a full-time job.  Yay, let’s stop traffic and let the Jabbawockeez dance.  Paul’s the kind of guy that can help win NL-Only leagues, but, unless he’s playing every day, I’d hold for now in most mixed leagues.  Now if the Pirates decide to bench Tabata or Robot and Diaz then this new X-Man opens wide.

Garrett Jones – In trouble of losing serious playing time.  If it’s not the argh-forementioned Pirate, Matt Diaz got the start yesterday vs. a righty.

Carlos Beltran – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 9th home run.  In the 19 games since I told you to sell him after his 3 homer game, he has 7 runs, 1 home run and 8 RBIs.  718 is also the Mets area code.  Jayson Stark could write 2500 words on that significance and get Tim Kurkjian’s voice to crack multiple times.

Mike Pelfrey – 5 IP, 7 ER as he couldn’t keep the bats off the Pelfrey.

Lance Lynn – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks.  You didn’t have to see the game to know that 4 baserunners and 5 runs means he got unlucky.  I’m not saying he’s going to be in this afternoon’s Buy, but I’m still holding out hope in NL-Only leagues.

Colby Rasmus – 2-for-5, 6 RBIs and his 5th home run.  May be a day late on this but he’s a decent buy low candidate. Still plenty of time for him to get to 20+ homers and 15 steals.

Jim Thome – Headed to the DL.  Very suspicious that his injury stint comes at the same time as the 2011 Log Rolling & Straw Chewing Championships.

Jason Kubel – Also headed to the DL.  Before the Twins game, they raised their 7th pennant flag.  Wait a second, that’s not a pennant flag.

Jordan Zimmermann – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  His Ks are way down this year — maybe Liriano is telling him to pitch to contact — but he still has a 1.14 WHIP and 3.61 ERA.  Like the quarter of Harrison Ford that is Jewish, not too shabby.

Michael Morse – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and now hitting .999* in the last month.   *Only a slight exaggeration.

Tim Stauffer – 5 IP, 5 ER.  Who fed this hodgepadre after midnight?

Chase Headley – Has a twelve game hitting streak but only 15 hits, 4 runs and 4 RBIs.  Snooze…BRAYNK! BRAYNK! BRAYNK! BRAYNK!  Whoa, onomatopoeia, you are annoying.

Brett Lawrie – Set to be called up today.  I already went over my Brett Lawrie fantasy.  I wrote it while getting a piggyback ride from a Tongan woman.

Felix Hernandez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks.  Now F-Her just needs to lower his ERA into the mid-2′s and me and him will be copacetic.

Carlos Peguero – Hit two home runs yesterday.  He showed good power in the minors, but he’s got K’s for days, as the kids say as said by someone who has no idea what the kids say.

Matt Joyce – 2-for-4 with a delicious slam and legs that he smothered in hot sauce.  Better eat up cause he’s in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell and it’s not on the right side which is to say it is on the right side.  Huh?  Yeah, you follow.

James Shields – 4 IP, 7 ER.  Sing with me to the tune of Spider Pig, “Schadenfreude, schadenfreude… Does whatever a schadenfreude does…”

Kendrys Morales is out for another 6 months with surgery to remove scar tissue.  Who was the first surgeon to operate on him?  Dr. Nick Riviera?  Hey, boys and three girls!  Bummer for the Los Angeles Angels of Not Los Angeles County…I mean, hello, Trumbo.  Giddy up, snitches!  The Sciosciapath has to play Trumbo now, right?  I mean, probably.  Can’t put anything over on that sly fox.  And by ‘sly,’ I mean dumb.  And by ‘fox,’ I mean not a fox.  If you’re hurting for a corner man, this should be all the incentive you need to sound the Trumbo.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Grady Sizemore – It’s the return of Wounded Knee.  Sizemore went for an MRI for his knee pain.  In other news, water is wet, taco diarrhea burns and astronaut ice cream is delicious.  If you own Sizemore, consider therapy to find out why you keep trying to hurt yourself with your life choices.  “Why’s everyone in my living room?  I was just going to move Sizemore to my bench.”  “Billy, have you thought about trading Sizemore for a pitcher?”  “No!  He makes me feel special!  I hate all of you!”  “Why can’t you just do crank like your brother?!”  That’s you on the show Intervention when your family confronts you about your fantasy draft choices.  Now Sizemore’s MRI says (yes, the MRI talks) his knee is fine.  Right.  So let him play a few days, then you trade him.  He’s not going to run this year, so what do you have with Grady?  You have Beltran, Jason Kubel or a host of other some power, no speed outfielders.  You don’t have the 30/30 Sizemore of yesteryear (2008).

Ryan Braun – The Hebrew Hammer was removed from the game with an ankle contusion after he ran into an outfield wall.  Pending the seriousness of the injury, the wall may now be known as The Wailing Wall of Milwaukee.

Randy Wolf – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  Was in last week’s post about pitchers that should see a correction, and yesterday the Padres dropped a whole bottle of White-Out on his stats.

Jason Bartlett – 4-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, 2 steals, 2 Girls, 1 Cup.

Chris Denorfia – 3-for-4, home run and is hitting .370.  He doesn’t really play every day, but he should. (Really, compared to playing Will Venable every day anyone seems like an upgrade.)

Cameron Maybin – 4-for-6, 2 runs and 2 RBIs.  That’s so Maybin!

Tim Stauffer – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER.  After not feeding a hodgepadre after midnight, what’s the next most important rule?  Don’t start them in away games.

Edinson Volquez – 4 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Guys and three girl readers, I want to formally apologize, or apologise if you use the Queen’s oldfangled spelling, for pushing anyone to draft this schmohawk.  When you can’t go into Houston and pitch well, you’re meat.  Now hang this jerky out to dry.

Drew Stubbs – The King of Slam & Legs doffed his crown and screamed, “As you were, peasants!”

Al Alburquerque – 2/3 IP, 3 ER.  Santa K, even you’ve turned on me?  For shame.  *shakes fist at the sky*  For shame!

Geovany Soto – His strained groin has forced him to the DL.  Sounds like an injury that would sideline a porn actress.

Matt Garza – He’ll be mentioned in this afternoon’s post about pitchers who should be better.  It’s an extravaGarza!

Felix Hernandez – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  F-Her should’ve had a nine inning O face against the Orioles.  Probably just teaching us a lesson for drafting him in the 2nd round.

Adam Jones – 4-for-4, 2 RBIs.  He’s hitting .286 with 5 homers and 4 steals on the year.  That, friend, was a surprise to me because I swear I get at least 4 comments a day about dropping him.  He’s on a 25/15 pace.  That’s Pence-ish.  What’s the major malfunction here?

Hiroki Kuroda – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  You know how you say reliable in Japanese?  Toyota.  But it could be Kuroda.

Hong-Chih Kuo – To the DL with an anxiety disorder.  Maybe you get to take days off for this shizz in Taiwan, but where I come from, we bottle up our emotional issues and play like crazy until we have a heart attack and die prematurely.

Matt Joyce – 2-for-5, back-to-back games with a homer while batting .358.  Sure, it won’t last but that matters?  Rhetorical!

David Price – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  You know who is annoyed he avoided Price this year?  This guy!

Scott Baker – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Ream me up Scotty!

Matt Capps – 1 2/3 IP, 3 ER.  Nathan hasn’t given up a run in almost two weeks.  Um, that’s only three appearances. Not now, Random Italicized Voice.

Jason Kubel – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer.  Prolly a tad late on talking about Kubel.  I’m *pinkie to mouth* Kubelated.  Not sure what eggs you got in your outfield basket, but right now Kubel’s a good egg.  Usually, I find he has salmonella.  (BTW, I’m waiting for someone to name their daughter Salmonella.  Hopefully it doesn’t then go viral.)

Eric Hosmer – He hit his 1st homer.  Guess what else?  *taps finger, scratches chin, trims mustache, plucks nose hair*  Give up?  He’s batting third!

A.J. Burnett – 7 IP, 6 baserunners (1 Hit), 6 Ks.  Now has an ERA of 3.38.  Quite a change from Ass Jack’s 2010.  His walk-rate is in the vicinity it was the last time he had a respectable year, so it’s possible he keeps it going.  (Relatively, he’s not more than a 3.75 ERA pitcher.)

Ryan Madson – Recorded his 5th save, has an ERA of 0.60.  “That whole ‘he doesn’t have what it takes to close’ thing was an obvious motivational tactic.  Dur.” That’s what the Phils pitching coach will say any day now.

Leo Nunez – 1 IP, 2 ER.  As we learned last August, when Nunez goes south, he goes monkey-fightin’ south fast.  Mike Dunn would be the handcuff.  Then if he gets the job, after every save you can scream, “Mmm…Dunn!” and throw your mitt in the air like Jesse Orosco, because you wear a glove to watch baseball games, even at home.

Scott Podsednik – Blue Jays release Pods, hope to retain his wife.

Rajai Davis – 4-for-4 with his 2nd game in a row with 2 steals.  Somebody’s got the fever for the SAGNOF!

Craig Kimbrel – 1 IP, 2 ER with the blown save.  I love you, Kimbrel, so why do you hate the ones you love?

Ian Desmond – 2-for-6 with 2 steals to bring his total up to 12.  Wow, is he gonna go 10/30 this year?  Cause that would be huge.  (Be even nicer if he hit .270.  But that’s quibbling!  Or is it?!  No, actually it’s not.  Seriously, get to .270.)

Miguel Cabrera – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs when he was ejected for arguing with the home plate ump.  Went something like this, “Taste great!” “Less filling!”  Well, you know Miggy — he always wants to stick around after the last call.