But the White Sox were able to go back-to-back-to-back-to-back. That’s quadrupling your pleasure. Or double-double-headed. Which makes you say whoopee for fantasy baseball, right? Seriously, you say whoopee. Yeah, you do. You and Bob Eubanks. But if someone asks you the most romantic place you’ve ever made whoopee, don’t say, “Up the butt.” Now there was something in the middle of this landmark real baseball feat that you should take notice of — Paul Konerko. Nooo! Don’t talk about Konerko again. Sorry, but he has three home runs and a plus-.300 average in August. Buh-buh-buh… Ugh! Most importantly for our purposes, Guillen can’t quit Konerko. That’s right, Konerko’s been getting starts. If you need cheap lumber, cut down your neighbor’s tree, but if you want a cheap power source, try out Konerko. He might be the double-headed pleasure seeker you need. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Troy Percival/Grant Balfour/Dan Wheeler - Percival left the ninth with a knee sprain. Balfour tried to say, “Hey, dudes, I got this one.” Only he didn’t leave to the slow clap as much as the hanging-head-of-shame. I grabbed Wheeler where I had room.

Brad Ziegler - Orel Hershiser laughs maniacally, removing the pin from his Zielger doll.

Aramis Ramirez - HR yesterday, but injured his hip later in the game. He’s day-to-day, which shouldn’t be confused with Soul II Soul.

Jerry Hairston Jr. - Supposed to return for Friday’s game. He sure has got a lot of press lately. Guys, if I may call you that even though there might be chicks here, Hairston’s not really a .343 hitter. Cust kayin’.

Rocco Baldelli - Guess why I’m writing his name. Go ahead. I’ll wait. *scratches nose, itches head, dusts off my framed picture of Michael J. Fox* Baldelli’s injured! Dur.

Jason Kendall - From The Files of the Unfair:  Because of a game started clause, Kendall will earn 4.25 million next year. WTF?!

Chris Iannetta - Yorvit Torrealba has a small tear in his knee. If there was any concern about Iannetta’s playing time, this helps.

Ryan Franklin - Got the save yesterday, but that was just so they didn’t overuse Perez. Never fear, Razzballers.

Brad Penny - Returns to the DL. Nomar, “See, this healthy thing ain’t so easy… Ow! I juth bit my lip when I said eathy. Thee!”

Todd Wellemeyer - 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER. Dave Duncan says, “I’ll see your Mazzone and I’ll do it without the rocking back and forth.”

Chris Dickerson - The first cheap steal schmohawk in yesterday’s post went 3-for-5 with two doubles and a triple. Sometimes recently called-up players excel while pitchers try and figure them out. Dickerson might be one of those, so he may have even more value now than later. There will be a Buy/Sell later today as there is every Friday afternoon, and I may just beat my Dick…er, um, what was I saying–erson later today. Tasteful!

I don’t el-oh-el. It’s kinda girly. I don’t emoticon. It’s seriously not how a man with a ’stache rolls. A man with a ’stache rocks tight white shorts with his balls hanging out and does not care. That’s how a man with a ’stache rolls. A man with a ’stache doesn’t listen to Jack Johnson. A man with a ’stache drafts Ryan Zimmerman and then drops him just after the draft — Just. To. Prove. A. Point. That’s what a man with a ’stache does. A man with a ’stache cries when his vinyl collection falls out of his El Dorado on the way to his DJ gig. A man with a ’stache also cries when he loses Pujols to the DL. I am so effin’ effed in the effin’ Poo-hole. I’m praying he returns in three weeks like the Cards are saying. I’m hoping he doesn’t make a two column list with Pros and Cons on why he should just have elbow surgery while this other setback mends, because I know if I were making that two column Pro/Con list, I’d probably opt for surgery. I really think he might be gone for the year. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in fantasy baseball yesterday:

Alfonso Soriano - Will be out for at least six weeks with a broken bone on his left hand.  The only bright side to Soriano’s propensity for injury is his ability to bounce back from injury. Though he’s still going to be out. With Alfonso off the menu, the choices are now limited to Pie and Stale Cake (Jim Edmonds).

Victor Martinez - Will undergo MRI on his inflamed elbow. I think if you’re going to concoct an injury because you haven’t hit a home run in two months, you’d take the lie a little further than an inflamed elbow. Can’t he cook up a conspiracy that Jim Leyland passed around small pox infested blankets to all the Indians?  That would explain Pronk’s year as well….

Ryan Doumit - Third home run in two days. Is it me or does he remind you of Craig Wilson? (Not Craig T. Nelson aka Coach.)

John Lackey - Into the 8th giving up only 2 runs. I choose him as my AL Cy Young, then I jumped ship when he missed time with arm issues. Now I’m regaining faith in this Angel (sorry, that was dreadful).

Dan Uggla - Walk off grand slam. Wow, I wonder where he’d go, if I were drafting today… *wink wink Razzball Commenters’ League*

Andy LaRoche - My James Loney has a first name — it’s P-L-A-T-O-O-N. LaRoche’s here and he hit a home run. The Dodgers are only starting him against lefties for now. Add him to the marginal 3B pile.

Jason Kendall - Hit first home run of the year. Somewhere a tidal wave hit.

Ian Snell - Now this is the Ian Snell we all know and love! Oh, against the Nats. Well, made for a nice spot start for someone.

Luke Scott/Mark Reynolds - Mentioned them the other day as guys who are streaky and getting hot. Yup, more home runs.

Mike Pelfrey - We are haunted by Berman voices in our head saying - where was the Diamondbacks hitting - well the bats were in the Pelfrey!  Whoop!

Jorge Cantu - Hit two home runs. Yesterday in the Razzball Forums, I said this, “He (Cantu) gets to thirty. He’s overdrafted next year. He’s a disappointment in ‘09. Guaranteed.” I’ll tell you what, I can be quite authoritative when I want to be.

Kosuke Fukudome - The league’s definitely caught up with him, but he just hit another homer. 3 dingers in last two weeks. I put that into Japanese Google Translator then took that translation and put it into English Translator and out came this, “Wrigley blowing out. Jim Belushi could hit home run.”

The first week of fantasy baseball is in the books. More than likely you have at least one team that absolutely sucks. Started the year looking like Beth from The Real World, pre- and post-plastic surgery. I know I do. Well, the fantasy baseball season’s not over yet. Miguel Cabrera’s not going to end the season hitting under .150. So let’s cull some stuff so we can mull some stuff, shall we?

Xavier Nady - Honestly, never thought I’d ever mention him on the blog, but he’s starting the season on fire. Could he keep it going? What, am I Ms. Cleo? I don’t know for sure, but history tells us no. This won’t continue. Know what you can’t do? Let him sit on the waiver wire. Don’t drop Carlos Lee for him, but every year some players come out of nowhere. Maybe this is Nady’s year. I know when I grabbed Beltre after he hit four homers in the first week of ‘04, leaguemates laughed at me (I believe Rudy Gamble is included in the list). Yeah, I won that league. You just never know some times. Chad Qualls is swell and all, but you can drop him and take a flier on Nady. He could be this year’s Carlos Pena.

Jason Kendall - He is a .300 hitter. The problem is he has the power of a twelve-year-old girl. Continue to ignore.

Derrek Lee - I pointed out four months ago, “Post-All-Star break in ’07, he hit 16 of his 22 homers. Watch this trend continue into ‘08.”  I don’t think this is going to stop.

Frank Thomas - He could lead the league in homers. I say he falls twenty short. There’s a reason the warranty expires after 100,000 miles.

Yunel Escobar - He’s doing everything right. There’s no reason why he can’t be a young Renteria. (That’s actually not a knock, even if it sounds like one.)

Jayson Nix - Atrocious is being kind for how he’s looked at the plate. Iceberg right ahead!

Manny Ramirez - All them Sons of Sam Horn were slapping fives high saying, “Manny’s back,” after the four RBI March 25th game. Well, he’ll still be okay, but Don’t Believe the SOSH Hype Machine.

Jake Peavy - I told you he was as good as Santana and his division’s hitting is Triple AAAish.

Edinson Volquez and Johnny Cueto - Their weeks won’t always be as good as this one, but they obviously have the stuff. Let’s hope the league doesn’t catch up to them too fast. I’ll probably tell you to trade them in June, but we have time before we have that travail.

Brian Bannister - Not sure he could strikeout Mark Reynolds, but the Royals aren’t a 100 lose team anymore. He’s not going to be exciting, unless 15 wins with a 3.75 ERA excites you. There’s a place for that.

Every Superstar that went 3 for 25 and knocked in 1 run - They’ll get better or, at least, we have to give them a chance to get better. Call off the firing squad for now.

Ben Sheets - Maybe I didn’t say this aloud to all of youse, but the guy can easily win the Cy Young. Health is the issue. His talent is fo realz.

Justin Germano - He pitches half of his games in Petco. If you can’t see there’s NL-only value in that, I can’t help you. In mixed leagues, I’m watching him very closely. Weirder things have happened than a Padres pitcher being good in Petco.

Kason Gabbard - Not interested. I’ll let someone else grab this schmohawk.

Trevor Hoffman - He is old, but he’d have to sexually harass Bud Black’s wife to be removed as the closer.

James Shields - I told you he was a better draft choice than Kazmir. I see no reason why he can’t give you top twenty starter worth.

David Murphy - Doesn’t know how to take a walk and very light hitting. Eh, this was just a good start.

Krispie Young - He has power and speed and he’s currently batting .217. Of course he is. That’s how Krispie do.

Justin Verlander - Um, he’s not starting the year off too well. It’s still early.

Kyle Lohse - He’s 29. Don’t think he suddenly turned the corner into Worthwhile-ville. Twins don’t trade away good pitching prospects; they acquire them.

Joakim Soria - He could save 40 games.

Brandon Lyon - He may not save another game this season.

Mark Lowe - Way to run with the job, dude!

Okay, let’s hear some people you’re giddy about even if you know their pace can’t maintain, but you sure hope it does.

That’s right. It’s awful. Just as I wanted it. Why? Because this team is for the inaugural Fantasy Razzball League. The idea is to have a team that sucks. Draft the worst possible team and watch them flail/fail. Is it an exercise in futility? You bet. My co-conspirators in this were:

RotoProfessor.com
Greener on the Other Side
Mop Up Duty
Herb Urban
Cards in the Attic
Lou Poulas (Fantasy Insider Online, Sweet Lou’s Baseball Lab, Razzball.com)
Fantasy Baseball Generals
Josh, the Non-Blogger
Razzball.com (Rudy Gamble)
Razzball.com (Grey Albright)

Come with me as I take out the trash:

1. (10) Akinori Iwamura 3B
2. (11) José Vidro 1B,2B
3. (30) César Izturis 3B,SS
4. (31) Chone Figgins 2B,3B,OF
5. (50) Shawn Chacón P
6. (51) Rajai Davis OF
7. (70) Chris Denorfia OF
8. (71) Brian Giles OF
9. (90) Carlos Silva P
10. (91) Juan Pierre OF
11. (110) Miguel Olivo C
12. (111) Josh Fogg P
13. (130) Mark Redman P
14. (131) Kip Wells P
15. (150) Félix Pié OF
16. (151) Willy Aybar 3B
17. (170) Lenny DiNardo P
18. (171) Joel Piñeiro P
19. (190) Kyle Davies P
20. (191) Wily Mo Peña OF
21. (210) Willie Harris OF
22. (211) J.P. Howell P
23. (230) Mark Reynolds 3B
24. (231) Tony Gwynn OF
25. (250) Ronny Cedeño SS
26. (251) Geoff Blum 2B,3B,SS
27. (270) Jon Leicester P

Random thoughts about various rounds of the draft:

1. I picked tenth and grabbed Iwamura. He might have second base eligibility soon, but I’ll be playing him at the hot corner. A few picks that went before that I thought were dreadful, which is to say I liked, were Aurilla (who’ll inexplicably get at-bats at first) and Taveras (remember steals don’t count in this league). Best, which is to say worst, pick of the first round? Lou took Alex Rodriguez. I thought he heard something of an Arod/Wilson Betemit platoon, but it turned out Lou arrived three minutes late to the draft. Not the kind of league you want Y! autodrafting for you.

3. The Treanor/Rabelo blah-toon jumped off the board this round to two different teams. Sorta like when you draft Borowski then the next guy grabs Betancourt. It’s just not right, but it’s the smart move. Be interesting to see who gets to suck for the majority of the playing time behind the plate in Florida. I was happy to grab Cesar Izurtis at 30. LaRussa gave Aaron Miles, Eckstein and Adam Kennedy, like, 3000 at-bats last year. He’ll think he upgraded with Izurtis. Steal of the third round: Adam Everett; full-time job and he’ll make Twins fans miss Punto. (Interesting side note: Both Cesar and Maicer Izturis went in this round. They’re sorta like the Aaron brothers if Hank didn’t exist.)

4. I almost went Livan Hernandez, but I figured he’d last until the fifth round. I underestimated how hyped he was going into the draft and Herb scooped him at 32 right after I took Chone Figgins. Figgins’s at-bats/lack of HRs was too much to pass up, but I hope this doesn’t come back to haunt me. Who knows, maybe I can work out a deal to send Carlos Silva and Joel Pinero for Livan? We’ll see.

11. You’re probably wondering why I waited so long to grab a catcher. Simply, there’s a deep pool of crappy catchers. Lots of great names already jumped off the board: Kendall (1), Paulino (1), the blah-toon of Rabelo/Treanor (3) and Brian Schneider (8, great inverse value, btw). So I went with Miguel Olivo. Here’s hoping for a speedy (partial) recovery from his injury so he comes back with lingering pain and swinging at everything. (I think there’s a good chance he’s going to be even worse this year without Miguel Cabrera around to hug him every couple of innings.)

20. Wily Mo Pena was a bit of a reach on my part, but I’m hoping his oblique never fully recovers and he’s simply a K’ing machine. Another pick I love in this round, Mike Mussina. From potential HOF’er to Fantasy Razzball draft steal in two years. Don’t cha love baseball?

26. Geoff Blum will help serve my Fantasy Razzball strategy (Basically, punt runs, load up on top of the order/speedy types and then substitute Blum, Cedeno, Harris in when I can afford it with the at-bats limit.) In this round, loved Mop Up Duty’s (appropriate site name, don’t ya think?) Brad Ausmus pick. JR Towles might be billed as a future All-Star, but rarely do catchers succeed in their rookie year. Ausmus is just too lacking to pass up on. Also, great flier by Fantasy Baseball Generals with Brian Burress. Here’s hoping he snags that fifth spot in the Orioles rotation then proceeds to pitch a mediocre 150 innings, doing just enough to neither succeed or be demoted.

Overall thoughts: My team is designed how I hoped it would: high at-bats, low home runs, middling average. The juggling to lessen my runs will be the difficulty. But it’s only appropriate that I should be juggling with a team filled with clowns.