Fantasy Baseball Advice

Alexis Rios hit three balls hard and one to the base of the centerfield wall that is a home run if it’s hit anywhere else. Finally, he’s hot. Hopefully Alexis Rios’s slump is done and his hot streak goes straight through the All-Star break and into October. He owes me! The fact that he only has four home runs thus far is an injustice to mankind (not the WWE wrestler who writes the occasional book and wears flannel). Joe Inglett has two home runs! Are you kidding me? Alexis Rios is another two week slump away from me reenacting Celtic Pride and kidnapping him. Stay hot, Rios. You’ve been warned. (BTW, while watching the Rios game, I was eating dinner with my girlfriend–she made a Sloppy Faux, which is a Sloppy Joe with fake meat. Don’t worry, I’m not a vegetarian; she is. And when she cooks, I eat. But I digress within the digression. So Rios hits the ball to deep center and I get excited. Then she says, “So you have real enthusiasm for a guy you have on a fake team?” Hmm… Maybe I care too much.) Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Rick Ankiel - Hit two HRs yesterday. (Am I the only one who wants the Cardinals to go into the 18th inning of a game and bring Ankiel in to pitch?)

Kyle Kendrick - He’s 7-3. Johan Santana called, he wants his win-loss record back. (Here’s my October prediction. The Phils make it to the playoffs and Kyle Kendrick is something like 15-10. Then in the third game of the 1st series, Kendrick is shelled and Joe Morgan says, “Kendrick had a great season, but just didn’t have it today.” Can you hear the vitriol (Word of The Day) in my voice?)

Shaun Marcum - Things went well with Dr. James Andrews. No surgery needed. Maybe I’m a pessimist but to me, visiting Dr. James Andrews is reason enough to be worried.

Jason Isringhausen - Blown save. I don’t think Ryan Franklin should be dropped just yet.

Gary Sheffield - Went 4-for-5. I don’t have any doubt that he wants to play and prove people wrong. Sheff is driven by proving people wrong. Much like Bonds was. However, I think nagging injuries catch up to Sheff before he can show everyone a thing or two. Is he worth a flier? Sure. Just don’t drop anyone you’ll regret. (Hey, that sounds like something I would say in the comments. So that’s me quoting future me!)

Luke Hochevar - Aka the guy whose last name you can’t pronounce went 8 innings and gave up 2 ER. He’s tamed his control problem in his last couple of starts, but I’m not picking him up in any league.

Shawn Chacon - I read the recap of how he attacked Ed Wade, the Astros GM. I also read about their conversation before it all went down. What I didn’t read was what Chacon did immediately after the altercation. Here’s what I think went down post-altercation. Chacon into his cellphone, “Hey, Milton Bradley, it’s Chacon. Did you hear–” “I’m watching Passions.” “The soap opera?” “What do you want, Chacon?” “Well, I just had an altercation and I was looking for some spiritual guidance. It seems–” “Did I mention I was watching Passions?” “Should I let you go?” At that point, Milton Bradley hung up on Shawn Chacon. If anyone knows where Chacon is now, let him know there are people that care about him and to keep hope alive.

Aaron Harang - I’m done making excuses for him. Okay, one excuse — he gave up an infield single then a home run to Joe Inglett(!) that barely got over the wall and hit the foul pole. What’s even more annoying (to me at least), Harang just doesn’t seem like he cares, but maybe that’s the creepy, Lurch-like deep sunken eyes. I hate you, Harang!

Eric Stults - I like Dodgers pitchers as much as the next guy, but I’m not picking up this schmohawk.

Jorge Campillo - Picked him up for this spot start, then I forgot to put him in (a drawback to having lots of teams). Anyway, I’m not necessarily dropping him just yet (though I’m not sure I’ll be starting him next time out against thePhils).

Russell Branyan - Mentioned this in the forums yesterday. Branyan looks like he’s turned the corner back onto K St.

Felix Hernandez - F-Her confirms what I thought all along. He’s not going to make his next start.

John Maine - Finally, someone makes the M’s look like the M’s.

Cristian Guzman - The Nats gave him a contract extension. After the announcement, Guzman said this, “Suckas!”

Carl Crawford - Carlin dead, Jared dead, Carl Crawford alive.  With two home runs yesterday, Crawford is hitting close to .500 in the last 7 games with three home runs. Why is he suddenly hitting? Because I just traded him away in one league. God hates me because I question him with things like, “Why are there more pigeons than pandas?”

Hank Blalock - Hurt his hand and doesn’t know when he’ll be able to return. Really sad stuff. I remember the good ‘ol days when he’d be able to return from a DL stint, play for a week or two then go back on the DL. Now it seems like he’s just going from DL stint to DL stint. *pours out some forty*

Hey, boys and girls! It’s that time again to look at all of the major league closers for all the major league teams and all their setup men and all the heartache they bring. Yay! So I had this girl that I invested far too much time in. Like a third round pick investment. We date for two years and I’m blissful. I even Tivo her soap operas! In the end, she left me with a giant hole in my heart and flowery, bathroom wallpaper. I tell you this story because closers are just like dames. You really shouldn’t invest too much love in your closers. You lose a closer, just pickup his replacement or grab someone else’s replacement. It’ll work itself out. Anyway, here’s all the major league closers and all of their setup men:

NO-BRAINERS

This tier is filled with a bunch of no-brainers. Because they’re dumb as dog balls? No, because you are if you fall in love with them and let them break your heart. Trade these closers for needed parts.

1. Francisco Rodriguez, LAA (Justin Speier, Scot Shields, Jose Arredondo)
2. Jonathan Papelbon, BOS (Hideki Okajima)
3. Joe Nathan, MIN (Matt Guerrier, Dennys Reyes, Jesse Crain)
4. Mariano Rivera, NYY (Kyle Farnsworth)
5. Brad Lidge, PHI (Tom Gordon, Ryan Madson)
6. Takashi Saito, LAD (Jonathan Broxton)

BRAINERS

These closers have the potential to save just as many games as the no-brainers. “Then, Grey, why make a different group?” I’m getting to that!  For whatever reason, people don’t like these closers as much as the above closers, so they can be had on the cheap and you can still get saves from them. Saves are what you want. Dur.

7. Joakim Soria, KAN (Ramon Ramirez)
8. Bobby Jenks, CHW (Scott Linebrink, Octavio Dotel)
9. Jon Rauch, WAS (Luis Ayala)
10. Kerry Wood, CHI (Carlos Marmol)
11. Francisco Cordero, CIN (David Weathers)
12. Brandon Lyon, ARI (Tony Pena, Chad Qualls)
13. Trevor Hoffman, SDG (Heath Bell)
14. Billy Wagner, NYM (Duaner Sanchez, Aaron Heilman)
15. Jose Valverde, HOU (Doug Brocail)
16. George Sherrill, BAL (Bunch of Schmohawks)
17. Matt Capps, PIT (Damaso Marte)
18. Brian Wilson, SAN (Tyler Walker)
19. Kevin Gregg, FLA (Renyel Pinto, Matt Lindstrom)
20. Brian Fuentes, COL (Taylor Buchholz, Manny Corpas)

BRAIN FREEZE

Saves are awesome! I love saves! I just got four saves from Torres! Wait, why is Gagne coming back? Ow! Brain freeze! Use the following closers at your own risk.

21. B.J. Ryan, TOR (Scott Downs)
22. Todd Jones, DET (Aquilino Lopez, Fernando Rodney, Joel Zumaya)
23. Joe Borowski, CLE (Masa Kobayashi)
24. Salomon Torres, MIL (Eric Gagne, G. Mota)
25. Troy Percival, TAM (Dan Wheeler, Al Reyes)
26. Ryan Franklin, STL (Jason Isringhausen, Chris Perez)
27. C.J. Wilson, TEX (Eddie Guardado, Joaquin Benoit)
28. Huston Street, OAK (Keith Foulke, Alan Embree, Santiago Casilla, Joey Devine)
29. Brandon Morrow, SEA (Sean Green)
30. Manny Acosta, Mike Gonzalez, Rafael Soriano, Blaine Boyer, Skip Caray, ATL

It’s been a while since I went through all the major league closers and their setup men and where they should be ranked. So I figured I’d break it down for you because knowing all the closers and all of their setup man could be helpful for all of you. A million dollars and a naked Christina Ricci chained to your furnace could also be helpful, but I don’t have a furnace. Anyway, all the major league closers and their setup men seems like something all fantasy baseball players could use, so here it is. BTW, do you see how giving I am? I’m like Jolie-giving. Seriously, I should be wearing a habit and carrying a Malaysian orphan in a baby sling while talking on my solar-powered cellphone.

NO-BRAINERS

This tier is filled with a bunch of no-brainers (Papelbon — a no-brainer! Get it? Oofa!). These closers could get you the most in any trade. I would not hesitate to trade away any of these guys for the right price. In the end, closers are here to get you saves. You could end up with more saves from Rauch than Joe Nathan. When stacked with closers, unstack and trade.

1. Jonathan Papelbon, BOS (Hideki Okajima)
2. Joe Nathan, MIN (Matt Guerrier, Dennys Reyes)
3. Francisco Rodriguez, LAA (Justin Speier, Scot Shields)
4. Mariano Rivera, NYY (Joba Chamberlain)
5. Billy Wagner, NYM (Aaron Heilman)
6. Brad Lidge, PHI (Tom Gordon)
7. Takashi Saito, LAD (Jonathan Broxton)

BRAINERS

These closers seem like they have a lot more risk than they actually do. It takes a real brainer to see how potentially valuable some of these brainers are. If you trade a no-brainer for a brainer and another player, you’re likely coming out on top.

8. Joakim Soria, KAN (Ramon Ramirez, Leo Nunez)
9. Francisco Cordero, CIN (David Weathers)
10. Jon Rauch, WAS (Luis Ayala)
11. Bobby Jenks, CHW (Scott Linebrink, Octavio Dotel)
12. Brandon Lyon, ARI (Tony Pena, Chad Qualls)
13. Trevor Hoffman, SDG (Heath Bell, Cla Meredith)
14. Jose Valverde, HOU (Doug Brocail)
15. Brian Fuentes, COL (Manny Corpas, Taylor Buchholz)
16. J.J. Putz, SEA (Brandon Marrow, Sean Green)
17. Matt Capps, PIT (Damaso Marte)
18. Brian Wilson, SAN (Tyler Walker)
19. Kevin Gregg, FLA (Renyel Pinto)
20. Kerry Wood, CHC (Bob Howry, Carlos Marmol)
21. George Sherrill, BAL (Bunch of Schmohawks)

BRAIN FREEZE

At some point soon, you’re going to squeeze your temples and grimace like you just ate a pint of Dreyer’s. All of these guys should be traded after they go on a string of few saved games, assuming they go on a string of a few saved games.

22. Huston Street, OAK (Keith Foulke, Joey Devine)
23. Troy Percival, TAM (Dan Wheeler, Al Reyes)
24. B.J. Ryan, TOR (Scott Downs)
25. Manny Acosta, Rafael Soriano, Blaine Boyer, et al, ATL (John Smoltz)
26. Rafael Betancourt/Masa Kobayashi, CLE (Joe Borowski)
27. Todd Jones, DET (Clay Rapada, Aquilino Lopez, Fernando Rodney)
28. Eric Gagne, MIL (Salomon Torres, G. Mota)
29. C.J. Wilson, TEX (Eddie Guardado, Joaquin Benoit)
30. Ryan Franklin/Russ Springer, STL (Jason Isringhausen)

I’m not going to debate anyone on Kazmir’s brilliance. He’s brilliant. I realize that. You realize that. We agree. See that. But he’s not going to make it through the season. Just as I told you about the Glass Chipper yesterday, I’m telling you the same shizz today. Do his numbers matter from yesterday’s game? Not in the least. If someone believes he’s turned the injury corner and trucking down healthy highway, trade Kazmir to them for a quality hitter. Don’t trade him for Jason Bartlett and a Teletubbie DVD. Be reasonable! This is not rocket science. This is fantasy baseball. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday:

Psyche! Before we get into today’s verbiage (Word of the Day), go check out Greener’s new site, Fantasyphenoms.com. It’s all new and flashy. (Not flashy like Macromedia’s downloadable spyware crizz-ap. I mean, blingy and cool.) Their site is informational and… Well, check it out.

Ryan Howard - I begged everyone to go grab him for the last three weeks. I told you here and here in just the last week. (Hmm, maybe I should stop talking about him.) Anyway, now it’s too late.

Shane Victorino - The Hawaiian is flying.

Chad Billingsley - I’ve been accused of favoring NL pitchers. Yeah, so.

Chipper Jones - Glass Chipper didn’t start last night because of a tweaked groin. Maybe I jinxed him or maybe it’s the last 700 games of his career trends just coming true. You make the call.

Art Shamsky - Looks just like Tommy Lee Jones. You’re welcome, Mets fans.

Dmitri Young - The Meathook’s back and No-Jo is injured and will be out for 4-6 weeks. Nick Johnson is like that girl that wouldn’t sleep with you for, like, 6 months, then on your 6 month anniversary she told you to wait a few more months, then on your two year anniversary, she went on the DL. You wait, you wait and nothing. That’s Nick Johnson.

Adam LaRoche - He’s not an ApRil player or a high aveRage player or… Well, he has his dRawbacks, but he can hit 30 home runs.

Jay Bruce - Patterson might be benched, Griffey or Dunn might be moved soon. (Not that anyone can really move Dunn, except for Dunn. And he doesn’t move himself for anything less than sixteen hamburgers, a large fry and three apple pies.)

Santiago Casilla - Left the game with an apparent arm injury. You don’t need a middle reliever with an arm problem. Oh, well. He was having a nice year, but you gotta let him go.

Matt Joyce - Sure, he sounds like an 18th Century poet, but he should be platooned in against righties on all deep teams.

Masa Kobayashi - Will probably be the closer for the next two weeks.

Joe Borowski - Will probably be the closer by the end of the month. Way to run with the ball, Betancourt!

Ryan Franklin - Officially replaced Isringhausen for now. With Izzy going on the DL, which is code for get your shizz together with Dave Duncan.

Pedro Feliz - Peter Happy is streaky and he just hit a home run and another ball that should’ve been a home run, but was a single — don’t ask.

John Smoltz - He can be very valuable in the bullpen and can get saves. So if you need saves, stop reading. If you wanted Smoltz as your front line starter and don’t need a closer, then you should trade him quickly before he comes back just in case he has more arm problems. Right now, everyone’s thinking he can succeed as a closer as he did before. He might, but he’s 41 and it’s been a few seasons since the last time he pitched in the ninth and on consecutive days.

Chuck James - My name is Chuck James and I have a can’t-pitch-effectively problem.

Felix Hernandez looked dominant yesterday. Most impressive thing, eight strikeouts to one walk. Least impressive thing, it was against the A’s. Most reason for concern, he threw 115 pitches. He’s already complained of arm fatigue, why is he pitching the ninth inning? *cough* No bullpen. *cough* (Side note, I dropped Mark Lowe in one league for Brocail. More on Brocail later.) When Felix Hernandez got called up, people were saying he could be the best thing since naked Natalie Portman pictures, and he looked it in ‘05 at the age of 19. But then ‘06 happened and a few people fell off the bandwagon, then ‘07 happened and the bandwagon got derailed. Now it’s ‘08, (no shizz, right?) and Felix Hernandez doesn’t feel like the next big thing anymore. Well, guess what? He’s only 22. Here’s what I said in January when I placed him in my top twenty pitchers overall, “…He could shoot to the top five pitchers by as early as next year. This may be the last time you’ll be able to get him at a bargain for a decade.” And that’s me quoting me! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday:

Jose Reyes - He loves to go on tears. Hold on, it’ll be a fun ride.

Josh Hamilton - It’s boring always being right, but I have him on a few teams too. I’m just hoping he doesn’t succumb to the allure of crack in May. Just Say No! (Or get injured.)

Rafael Furcal - 4 for 4 with a home run. He’s been looking like a great bounce back candidate since February. If someone in your league doesn’t know it, they do now.

A.J. Burnett - Yes, that was him in the 14th inning. Good idea to throw the injury-prone guy out there.

Jason Botts - I’d love to see him get some starts. Might be a good platoon mate when the Rangers are playing lefties at home. Cust kayin’.

Hank Blalock - (Lots of  Rangers news, right?) He’s day-to-day with a sore back. That means a 15-day DL stint that turns to 60-day then he gets mono from Casey Kotchman.

Jason Isringhausen - Struggled to get the save. He’d have to be injured to lose the job. Trade for him.

Jose Valverde - Later today you’ll be getting a closer report, let’s just say Brocail was picked up by me in three leagues last night. Valverde was NOT good before last year.

Carlos Gomez - If you have Miguel Cabrera at third and Helton at first and really need steals, here you are.

Carl Crawford - I believe he gets to 25 home runs this year.

Josh Fogg - What a Razztastic that start was. I jumped down 6 points in the standings. (Farkin’ Mark Redman messed up my perfect day.) Unfortunately, with the shizz Fogg threw up there, Homer Bailey (who’s been outstanding in the minors) might be getting the call soon. I know, that’s not unfortunate for a lot of you.

C.C. Sabathia - Okay, this is purely conjecture, and I welcome others thoughts on this, but ‘member how he threw something like 657 innings last year including the playoffs? I know his velocity has been fine, could there be some residual tiredness thing going on? Not sure, but feel free to CC me your thoughts.