Fantasy Baseball Advice

Pretty much everything I told you in the beginning of the year about trusting your big guns and not trusting the wayward sons goes out the window in September.  If you’re battling for pitching points, you need to take some chances I wouldn’t necessarily take in April, or really even August.  Suddenly, Brian Duensing gets his own post and Freddy Garcia doesn’t look like Freddy Garcia, but looks like a guy who’s facing the Mariners.  It’s fantasy baseball in September and the rules were made to be broken, ya’ll.  So I’ve assembled two or three starters from Tuesday, the new Humpday, until this Sunday that you could take a chance on depending on how bad your pitching shituation is.  I’m not completely proud of all of these guys, but their mommas are (even Momma Padilla).  Anyway, here’s some borderline starters for fantasy baseball late season:

Tuesday, September 15th

Freddy Garcia – Garcia is the new blech in most cases, but he’s had four straight decent enough starts and I’d throw him vs. the Mariners in Seattle.

Robinson Tejada – Has 69 Ks in 53 1/3 innings.  Goes vs. the Tigers, who he just beat.  It’s risky because I don’t trust the 2nd time being the charm.  Teams figure a guy out usually, but he could give you some cheap Ks.

Wade LeBlanc – Has two solid back-to-back starts and he faces a K-razy offense (Diamondbacks) in Petco.

Wednesday, September 16th

Doug Davis – Has a 1.83 ERA in 19 2/3 innings vs. the Padres and hasn’t given up one earned run in Petco in two years.

Ryan Rowland-Smith – Has four straight solid starts and a serial killer name.

Hiroki Kuroda – Hasn’t had an embarrassing start since July 8th and he gets the Pirates.

Thursday, September 17th

Justin Masterson – vs. the A’s and I wouldn’t start him here unless you’re in absolute dire straits, Mark Knopfler.

Friday, September 18th

Brian Duensing – You’d think I really liked him with the amount I’m talking about him, but he’s worth a flier for a start or two.

Vicente Padilla – He actually just shut out the Giants, which scares me more than it instills confidence, but it’s still a decent match-up.

Saturday, September 19th

Brett Tomko – Shoot me now for suggesting Tomko.

Jason Hammel – Has an ERA around 3 away from Coors and he gets the swing happy Diamondbacks.  This is still a risky start because Chase is a hitters park.

Sunday, September 20th

Paul Maholm – It’s not as great to face the Padres away from Petco, but it’s not that bad either.

Carl Pavano – Gets the Tigers on Sunday and has absolutely owned them this year.  In over 30 innings, he has a 1.48 ERA and 4 wins.  And, just think, you can tell your lady friend you had the cojones to start Pavano.

Julio Borbon has been running around like a chicken without its head or maybe Borbon is *pinkie to mouth* a Wild Turkey.  Yesterday, he even hit a home run.  The word out of the mean streets of Arlington was he’d sit once Cruz returned.  Cruz returned.  Borbon played.  Natch!  Will Borbon’s brilliance continue?  Unfortunately, I don’t think so.  He’s doing his best Mr. April, Emilio Bonifacio, impersonation (Flex, Bonifacio!  Yeah, you are so Mr. April!) and we saw how long that lasted.  While Borbon’s hot, own him like Angelina with 3rd world children, but in Triple-A, he had 2 homers in over 400 at-bats and a pretty terrible caught stealing percentage, so know that he’ll come crashing back to Earth like your unrealistic fear of meteors.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Drew Stubbs – 1-for-5, 3 Ks.  He’s like a white Willie Mays Hayes.  He was guessing on 0-2 counts like a pimple-faced, teenaged waiter guessing what’s in the meatloaf.  Cain’s nasty and able, but Stubbs looked overmatched on every pitch.  Keep in mind what I said yesterday, “In Triple-A, he had 104 Ks in 107 games.”  And that’s me quoting me!  But remember Willie Mays Hayes can run, so Stubbs still has value.  Just know what you’re getting.

Gary Sheffield – Sheff was seen angrily wagging his walking papers at the Mets front office.  He thinks he should get a contract; after all, he is their top home run hitter this year with 10.  Sheff owners should want him on the Mets.  Anywhere else, he’s not a cleanup hitter… He’s not even really an every day player.

Billy Wagner – Returned to action and looked dominant.  He could end somewhere that includes saving games.  Those in dire need of saves.  You know the drill.

Justin Morneau – Oh-fer-geez, Morneau heads back up Nort to have his ear checked, dontchya know?  May be headed to the DL.  Uffdah!

James Shields – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 unearned runs, 9 baserunners.  He should’ve mopped the Trop with the O’s like Carol Burnett.  The way the O’s are playing you’d think they didn’t want Bryce Harper.

Ben Zobrist – HR yesterday.  Might finally be coming out of the funk he’s been in.

Nolan Reimold – HR yesterday.  First homer of August.  Lately, he’s been almost as non-existent as his brother, Judge.

Jason Hammel – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners.  I picked him up for this game.  Ye of a sub-3 ERA away from Coors.  Then I got cold feet and didn’t start him.  Sonavabench!

Joe Blanton – 8 IP, 3 ER.  Since I told you to buy him on June 24th, he has a 2.25 ERA in almost two months.  Cust kayin’.

Brett Cecil – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 2 Ks.  You guys had a good run… *realizing he has a 4.82 ERA*  You guys had an all right run… *realizing Cecil has a 1.58 WHIP* Wait, why do you own him?

Jon Lester – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 Ks.  Since I’m in that type of mood, on May 15th, I told you to get Lester.  Since then, Lester has a 2.49 ERA.  It’s hard to make this shizz up.

Marlon Byrd – 8 for his last 19 as he hit two homers yesterday to give him 14 on the year.  This Byrd you cannot cage…

Kendry Morales – Hit his 27th homer.  He’s having some kind of season.  It’s about time, too… Wait a second, he’s listed as 26 years old?  Oh, c’mon.  He’s easily a Latin 28.  Remember that when you’re considering him for keepers.

Wandy Rodriguez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Last time out, the Wandwagon’s horse had a nail in its hoof.  Well, that horse is now glue and the Wandwagon rolls again.

Kyle Blanks – Has three homers in the last four games.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  On the right side of the slash, which is the left.

J.D. Drew – 4-for-4 with 2 HRs yesterday.  After the game, a reporter asked Drew if he’s changed his approach.  He said, “No, I just love my Mom more than Stephen.”

Kenshin Kawakami - 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 Ks.  Guess who it was against?  Meet the Mets, meet the Mets… Step right up and beat the Mets.  Start your rookies, contact your bookies… They’re worse than your local Chinese restaurant’s almond cookies.

Sorry, but I’m going to open the vent for a millisecond.  Let’s go back to Stupid May Grey.  I was a point or two in front in one of my leagues, had a solid outfield of Adam Dunn, Carlos Quentin/Beltran and Rasmus.  I was within striking distance in steals and the news just came out that Jose Reyes would miss a few days, but avoid the DL.  I traded Dunn and Theriot for Reyes.  THE NEWS LIED!!!  I’ve filled in with Beckham for Theriot so no great loss there, but my outfield’s been shambles since — currently rocking Luke Scott, Fukudome, Teahan and the corpse of Carlos Quentin.  This is all thanks to Jose Reyes.  I know, this is the world’s smallest violin eating a burrito with a side of tears.  BTW, Jose Reyes is probably out for the season.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Luis Castillo – Injured himself walking into the Mets cemetery dugout.

Nelson Cruz – Was injured on the final play of the game on Monday.  Choose your own fantasy baseball report… One report says he’s day-to-two-days away from action.  Another report says he’s a day-to-two-days away from a 15 day vacation.

Bobby Jenks – To the hospital to have kidney stones removed.  Be cool if they removed a pet rock.  Thornton, Linebrink or Dotel, in that order, will probably fill-in for him.

Ryan Zimmerman – Day-to-day with a sore shoulder.  He should massage it with some coriander, cumin and a brine solution, Guy Fieri says that’ll cure any shoulder.

Geovany Soto – Due back today or tomorrow.  Oh, dubya-E-hockey sticks, guess The Jakie Foxx Experiment™ behind the plate isn’t happening.  A ‘pert can dream.

Vladimir Guerrero – If you saw him yesterday on crutches, that’s because he was activated from the DL.  The three stages of Vlad:  Wheelchair – DL, crutches – DH, pronounced limp – playing outfield.

Scott Baker – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 Ks.  He’s been terrific in his last four starts. As terrific as this commercial?  No, but close.  (If you can watch that commercial less than 10 times, you have more willpower than me.

Yusmeiro Petit – 8 IP, 1 Hit, 4 Ks, if it wasn’t for Ronny Cedeno, he would’ve had a no-hitter.  See, those trades are already playing off.  Petit gets the Nationals next time out.  Must… stop… myself… from… picking…. him… up.

Ryan Roberts – 4-for-5, 2 HRs yesterday and a movie star name from the 1950s.  He has sneaky 10/10 potential, but probably not worth it outside of NL-Only leagues.

Krispie Young – HR yesterday, which was also his first hit in the last 7 games.  I miss you, Krispie.  Get well soon.

Garrett Jones – 0-for-4, Where’d you go, friend?  Is this about me putting you in the Sell category two weeks ago?  I’m sorry.  Come back, friend.

Brian Matusz – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Great debut, and he’ll be a great one as the Mariners root for him to do much better than Tillman.  I’d still look to move Matusz.  His (the Orioles’) schedule in September is terrible and he’s still a rookie who’s prone to big ups and downs.

Jarrod Washburn – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, the same day he appeared in my FIP post.  Who’d a thunk it?  Well, I guess me kinda.

Dan Uggla – 1-for-1 with 4 walks.  Without looking it up, I’m going to say that’s a personal record.  And the Nats only gave up 2 other walks in the game.  Not really sure what any of that means, but I found it fascinating.  Oh my God, I’m turning into Jayson Stark.

Jason Hammel – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER.  A 2.67 Away ERA.  Even away games that you think you shouldn’t start Hammel in, he pitches well.  (Besides, of course, his Metco disaster last week.)

Jonathan Sanchez – 7 IP, 0 ER.  They might not all be as gravy as this start, but I’d own him in all leagues at this point as it’s hard to argue with 107 Ks in 102 1/3IP.

Gordon Beckham – HR yesterday.  Batting over .400 in his past 7 games.  Entrenched in the 2 hole.  Give me your password and I’ll pick him up for you.

Derek Holland – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER.  Ah, the tale of the rookie pitcher is told again.

Rajai Davis – Since he has full-time duty, he’s hitting over .400.  Yesterday, he stole 2 bases.  SAGNOF!

Will Venable – HR yesterday.  Get a load of Will.  He’s vying for Garrett Jones’s spot in the roundups.

Yovani Gallardo – 5 1/3 IP, 9 ER.  Ouch… Wait, what?  Ow.

Evan Longoria – 2 HRs yesterday.  As David Wright impersonates Chone Figgins and Mark Reynolds impersonates a toasted sandwich bearing an image of Babe Ruth, Longoria will still be my top 3rd baseman next year barring unforeseen injuries, though I would like to see him steal a bit more.

B.J. Upton – 1-for-5, 4 Ks as he was dropped to 7th in the order.  Just get to 12/45 and you’ve done your job.

Johnny Cueto – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  I sat him yesterday.  Yay! (<–sarcasm)  I hate having pitchers I can’t start ever.  I might be dropping Cueto in a 16 team league, and, trust me, when I drop someone in a 16 team league, there is no one to pick up.  Dustin Nippert anyone?

Tom Gorzelanny – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER.  That’s nice.  I wouldn’t pick him up with your team.

Albert Pujols – 2 HRs, 5 RBIs.  Maybe he’s feeling Mini-Donkey breathing down his neck.

Joel Pineiro – 5 IP, 7 ER.  April came and went and you chalked Pineiro’s hot start up to a fluke.  May came and went and you figured any day now Pineiro would breakdown.  June came and you thought maybe April and May were real.  July flew past and you had it, enough was enough, you had to pick him up.  I mean, his next start was against the Mets, for deity sakes.  It was the most elaborate Punk’d ever.  And he got you.

George Sherrill was traded from the Orioles to the Dodgers.  Sherrill will backup Broxton.  If you play in a league with Holds, by all means.  If you don’t, you can lose him.  Okay, that’s that.  Now for the interesting part, who closes for the Orioles?  Personally, I think it’s going to be Jim Johnson.  I said him in last week’s Buy/Sell and he’s the same name I’m saying now.  Johnson’s been owning the 8th inning setup duties for a while now, though he’s also given up runs in 3 of his last 4 appearances.  So who else could it be?  Could it be Baez?  The answer my friend is blowing in the wind… Danys Baez was a donkey-corn back in 2005 for the Rays, collecting 41 Saves and posting a 2.86 ERA.  So he’s capable, but the Orioles seem likely to give Johnson the first shot.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brandon Webb – Suffered a setback. Backdate this news to the day after opening day.  Set him free, if it’s meant to be… Well, you know that line that your sister used to tell herself when a guy broke up with her.

Orlando Cabrera – Sounds like the Twins are going to end up with Cabrera.  This does little to his value.  Maybe a handful more Runs.  And that may be the only time you hear a handful of runs being a positive.

Alexei Ramirez – Sprained ankle and will miss a few games.  Hopefully this doesn’t turn out the same way Carloses Quentin/Beltran missed a few games.

Yunel Escobar – After being hit by a pitch, he’s day-to-day with a wrist contusion.  (I just made up the contusion part, but I sounded smart, right?  Don’t worry, I didn’t make up the day-to-day part.)

Ian Kinsler – Out two games now with a hammy problem.  You know who else had a hammy problem?  Kermit the Frog!  Oofa!  (Kinsler will be covered more in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.)

Trevor Crowe – Was called up to replace Ben Francisco.  Someone gots the hate for Matt LaPorta.  Don’t ask me, I just report it.  Does it make sense?  Nope, not a whole lot.

Roy Oswalt – Astros are optimistic that Oswalt can make his Sunday start.  Guys who ride tractors in the offseason don’t miss starts with a tweaked back.  He reminds me of Shawn Michaels.  Keep bashing his back with a metal chair, but he’s still going to drop the big ‘bow.

John Grabow – Traded to the Cubs.  Grabow can stop salivating, he’s now a LOOGY.

Jason Hammel – 1 1/3 IP, 5 ER in Metco.  Hmm… He’s supposed to be good away from Coors.

Jorge de la Rosa – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER.  Now that’s a Rockie pitcher away from home.

Clint Barmes – Hit his 14th homer yesterday.  Right now, you might be thinking to yourself.  Clint Barmes has 14 homers?  Yup, and he also has 9 steals.  Stephen Drew has 7 homers and 3 steals.  Jose Lopez has 13 homers and 2 steals.  Asdrubal 3 homers, 11 steals.  Barmes has been in a terrible funk lately, yet, on the season, he’s still been wildly more valuable than Uggla and about on par with Rollins.  Go figure.

Luke Hochevar – 6 IP, 7 ER.  Do you see what he does to you when you trust him?  Just give him a rest for this year.  I promise to remind you what a great prospect he is during next year’s preseason.

Aubrey Huff - 2-for-4, 3 RBIs.  Okay, so my Buy on him was maybe a month early, but hopefully this is the start of something.  God knows he can’t un-start any more than he has.

Johnny Cueto – 5 IP, 6 ER.  Since I made him a Sell on June 26th, he has a 7.61 ERA.

Tim Stauffer – 7 IP, 1 ER.  I’d still only start him at home, but nothing comes closer to home than a terrible Reds team.

Ryan Zimmerman – Is there no in-between button on this guy?  After being ice cold for two months, he’s now on fire with 4 homers in the last seven games.

Ben Francisco – Slight value while Victorino’s nursing his knee.  Okay, guess the fantasy baseball ‘pert, “I’d like to nurse from Megan Fox’s knee! Yowsers!”  A:  Matthew Berry

Rafael Soriano – 1 IP, 0 ER, 3 Ks.  Phew.  That’s good to see.  Hopefully, he held his breath and the hiccups are behind him.

Derrek Holland – 8 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 Ks.  Every time I try to get out of rookie pitchers, another one pulls me in.  I’m a big fan of Holland and he gets Oakland next.

Michael Young – 2 HRs and has 16 on the year while batting .326.  Great year that I didn’t see coming, but he hasn’t done this in 4 years, so no one really saw it coming.

Gavin Floyd – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 Ks vs. the Yankees.  Let me guess, home start?  He has an under 3 ERA at home.  Imagine he was a Padre.  Zoinks!

Eugenio Velez – 3-for-5, Maybe feeling the heat from the Dirty Sanchez (who did not play yesterday), but Velez is scorching hot lately.

Matt Holliday – Homered for his new team. See, it’s all working out exactly how– Oh, the Cards lost.

Matt Thornton – Got the save opportunity, but again he was brought in in the 8th inning so again Ozzie can say technically he hasn’t removed Jenks from the closer role.  The bad news (or good news depending on who you own), Thornton blew the save.  Which might also confirm Ozzie’s noncommittal commitment to Jenks.

David Ortiz – I’ve pretty much kept to myself on the whole steroids issue.  Ya know, this is fantasy baseball, who gives an effin’ eff in the screwhole what I think, but Ortiz annoyed me.  He was one of the biggest critics of A-Rod when Rodriguez admitted to having his uncle’s cousin stick needles in his butt.  Ortiz also was “shocked” and “confused” about Manny’s use.  I’m shocked and confused how anyone thought Ortiz hadn’t used steroids.  Let’s assume everyone did steroids.  Even Greg Maddux.  Who cares?  Everyone did them.  Doesn’t matter.  Move on.  But what’s annoying is the talking out of both sides of his mouth.  To bastardize Madonna, Big Papi don’t preach.  I hope Manny says something like this, “Ya’ll knew I was doing some grimy shizz, but I’m shocked and confused to hear Ortiz’s giant melonhead is artificially enhanced.  Oh, and Ortiz is 52 years old.  Cust kayin’.”

Gordon Beckham, the pride of Surrey, wrote little ol’ me a letter last week.  It went on for three pages and his penmanship left a lot to be desired, but let me share with you an excerpt.  “Hey, Grey, Gordo here.  I’m probably not going to be that great for an extended period of time in 2009.  But I appreciate you supporting my efforts.  Please share with your readers my plate disclipine and above-average speed.  I’m probably nothing more than a doubles hitter right now with the occasional dinger (the word dinger makes me giggle).  I don’t want to toot my own horn (though if I could, I’d never leave the clubhouse), but when you look at other MIs in your fantasy league, am I really that much worse?  As the President of the Debate Club, I once argued in favor of keeping Ben Grieve over Roy Halladay, so what do I know?”  Thanks, Gordo!  I think he covered everything.  At MI, ride the white lightning.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Casey McGehee – When I grow up, I wanna be just like Casey McGehee.  Be touted relentlessly by me and do just okay in the major leagues.  You wanna be fair?  Okay, let’s be fair.  McGehee is a serviceable MI.  He’s not winning you leagues.  But without serviceable MIs, our great sport wouldn’t be nearly as proud.

Martin Prado – I rank them Beckham, McGehee then Prado, in that order.  And that’s me figuring someone’s gonna ask me that in the comments!

Pat Burrell – You would think A) I actually like Burrell. B) He’s done something to warrant being included in back-to-back Buy/Sells. C) There’s no C.  D) Why would there be a D if there’s no C?

Marlon Byrd – He went 22/4/20/.393/2 last August.  When the weather heats up in Texas, the caged Byrd sings.

Chad Gaudin/Kevin Correia – This Hodgepadre of starters are worth owning and starting, at least, at home.

Jason Hammel – He’s the inverse of the Gaudin/Correia daily double.  Start him in Away games.

Dallas Braden – Hasn’t given up more than 2 earned runs in his last seven starts.

Ty Wigginton – Hit a homer two days ago. Exciting, right?  Now what if I told you he just played his fifth game at shortstop?  Ah, now your wheels are turning.

Garrett Jones – A Pirates has-been rookie? Please, Grey, I had Mexican for lunch. I know, random italicized voice.  Not all that attractive.  But in deep leagues, he’s worth a flier to see what he does with playing time.  He can’t be much worst than Delwyn Young.  But Delwyn Young sucks! That’s sorta my point.

Leo Nunez – Owned in 6.7% of ESPN leagues.  That means about 93.3% of ESPN leagues are abandoned.

SELL

Torii Hunter – He’s at 17/13.  He’ll get to 27/22.  My gratutity calculator is telling me if you own Hunter, you’ve gotten more production from him than you will if you continue to hold him. No one’s saying to sell him for Felipe Paulino and an old TV Guide cover with Kermit and Miss Piggy, but I’d explore options.

Daisuke Matsuzaka – Hey, he had a good run.  Not this year.  This year he was terrible.  He had a good run last year.  I wouldn’t own him this year with your team.  If you don’t have room on your DL, lose Dice-BB.

Glen Perkins – No one’s buying Perkins, so this is less a sell, more of an Ignore.  Can’t throw the speedball by anyone.  He could be a participant in my All-Star Game festivities where he faces off against Chris Davis.   The Movable Object vs. The Movable Object.  Whose flaw will be more pronounced?

Vladimir Guerrero – I know in the beginning of the year you Rochambeau’d your buddy to own Vlad, but Guerrero’s being outslugged by Scott Hairston by almost 200 points.  Oh, nuts, Vlad’s bad.  And not bad as in good, but bad as in bad.