In the top 40 starters for 2014 fantasy baseball, Patrick Corbin headlined the tier named, “Taking a number three doesn’t mean a pee and poop combo.” Corbin now has UCL damage, so he actually is a pee and poop combo. Now, as Alfred Einstein once said, “For every negative reaction, there’s a not-negative reaction to it. I’m hungry, anyone have any snacks?” Alfred Einstein also took three years to pass 4th grade, until his teacher finally passed him saying, “I think all the chromosomes went to his brother Albert.” I’m here to defend Alfred; he did have a point. Corbin’s out, but that means Randall Delgado‘s back in. I’ve re-added him to my top 60 starters, top 400, the War Room and have adjusted my pitchers’ pairings. Where Corbin was a solid, if slightly yawnstipating number 3, Delgado is an exciting upside number five or six. You say tomato, I say that’s a one spicy meatball! What does this mean for Archie Bradley? He doesn’t get wet willied by Didi Gregorius anymore? Kirk Gibson stops calling his name like he’s Edith from All in the Family? Bradley starts the year in the rotation? No on all three. Bradley shouldn’t be affected by this Corbin injury. At least not at first. Since Delgado is now in the rotation, Bradley might be one more injury away from joining the Diamondbacks rotation. Anyway, here’s what else I’ve seen in Spring Training for 2014 fantasy baseball:

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Go to a quiet, dark place and light a few candles (preferably scented). Cue up my theme musicNow close your eyes, listen to my intro in it’s entirety and visualize greatness. Then, and only then, may you open your curious eyes and continue on (make sure you go back and watch the video because it’s awesome). If you lack the heart of a champion, I strongly recommend you either 1) refrain from reading further, or in my opinion the better option 2) play my theme music on at full volume,on repeat, until you’ve built up the testicular fortitude to withstand any obstacle on your way to glory.

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John Rocker said baseball was “better with steroids.” Sure it is, if you enjoy atrophic testicles and 980 foot home runs. Atrophic testicles are also available at Guy Fieri’s American Kitchen. Winner, winner, gonad dinner. John Rocker loves his ‘roids. He also said other incredibly “poignant” things that can be enjoyed in his new children’s book, It’s a Small World (Who Let the Asians in). Hey, I’m no literary critic and I’m certainly no doctor, I’m a guru dammit, but steroids are bad for your spunk tanks and bad for your fake baseball team. This whole Biogenesis thing is ugly, but the real tragedy is the impact on the fantasy universe! The steroid hammer of death is about to fall on the junk of Nelson Cruz, Everth Cabrera, Jhonny Peralta and of course John Rocker’s new housemate on Spike TV’s I’m a Celebrity Douche…Get Me Out of Here, Alex Rodriguez. Melky Cabrera and Bartolo Colon may have dodged the wrath of Bud, so light a candle, kick Melky to the curb and hold onto Colon for now. The rest will be gone for the year and sipping HGH fortified Manischewitz with the original fallen hammer, Ryan Braun. If you have not got a jump start on your league mates already, consider today’s blog a syringeful of anabolic fantasy help. Hope we don’t grow man boobs. Or maybe I do. It’s time to jam it or cram it. We’re on the juice!

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The man, the myth, the legend. I speak not of young Xander, he who was blessed to be featured in this article, but of myself, Tehol Beddict, good at many things and great at more. Greetings noble readers! It is you that keeps me cognizant at 4 am, even with an enormous modeling audition tomorrow in Vegas. I’d rather pluck and eat my pet chicken than dissatisfy what few consistent readers I have. That is saying something, for my chicken has been with me now for 7 years, accompanying me on my countless cross country trips and movie shoots. She even attended a recent Kenny Chesney concert with myself and my good buddy Riley Cooper. WHOOPS! Without Beatrice I would be lost, but if I were to lose you readers I would likely go back to the bath salts, possibly eat human flesh, and start writing for footballnation.com again. Those were loathsome times I tell you.

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Satchel Paige said, “Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.” Old Satch pitched until he was 90 I think. No? Someone ask Peter Gammons. “He pitched until he was 59.” *answers call with shoe, falls asleep in soup* Thanks, Pete. Last week a man who may or may not be 111 years old visited the Yankees on the field. Joe Girardi was tempted to start him at shortstop before Derek Jeter talked him out it. Jeter then crashed his Rascal down the dugout steps. He’s out another month. Old people are funny. Satch may be dead, but there’s plenty of other old wrinkled ballers still working their magic in the fantasy game. Mariano Rivera anyone? Looking pretty spry for 43. Did he follow Wilford Brimley into the Cocoon pool or something? He won’t get any older and he won’t ever die.

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If Chris Archer was aiming to win last night he was right on target, pitching seven innings against the fearsome Orioles lineup, allowing just 2 hits, 1 ER, 2 BB and striking out two to grab his first win of the year. Bulls-eye! Archer even retired 13 of the last 14 batters he faced. Let’s just say opposing hitters could hear Kenny Loggins’ music playing with Archer on the hill because they were riding into the DANGER ZONE, LANA! Relax those monster hands, you don’t have to be Krieger to know Archer misfired in his season debut, surrendering five runs to the Indians and lasting just four innings. But he looked Sterling last night. Chris threw just 84 pitches in the outing, hurling his 95-mph fastball with ease and locating the pitch with perfection. Even Burt Reynolds was impressed. Pitching coach Jim Hickey told Archer he needed to see more of that change up, and both the change up and the slider were on full display last night. He was able to throw both pitches on any count with excellent confidence and control and kept the O’s hitter off balance all game. Although, his next start at Fenway this week is not ideal, he should be streamer-worthy going forward given the right match ups. Until David Price returns from his triceps injury, Chris Archer looks to see a few more starts and is worth a flier in AL-Only and deeper mixed leagues. Also, danger zone!

Here’s what else happened in fantasy baseball last night:

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And the Prospect Gods looked down at the Cardinals pitching staff and proclaimed, “And so it Shelby…” But the Gods decided to keep Oscar Taveras for themselves — at least for a little while. Bunch of Federalist-loving pigs. So, the Cardinals make up for starting Jon Jay over Oscar Taveras by giving prospect, Shelby Miller, the 5th starter role over non-descript-in-every-way, Joe Kelly. When I say, boo, you say ya. Boo…ya! Boo…ya! Cherimo…ya! Ah, fooled you. In November, I wrote a Shelby Miller 2013 fantasy. There I said, “The final answer on (whether he makes the rotation) will probably be decided on the last few days of Spring Training. In 2012, he was called up towards the end of the season and gave a 10.54 K-rate and a 1.32 ERA in 13 2/3 innings. If you look up that stat line in the thesaurus, its synonym is “lights out.” Due to a butterfly flapping its wings in Indonesia, Miller also had a 10.54 K-rate in Triple-A through 136 2/3 IP. His ERA wasn’t as purdy, but he “re-committed” himself in the 2nd half of 2012 and had a 2.88 ERA in his last ten starts with a 70/7 K/BB. Weird, cause I had an aunt who was “re-committed” and things didn’t turn out half as well. He can be a number one pitcher. When I say that about a 22-year-old, we’re talking about someone having the possibility at a top ten pitcher in all of baseball. Knowing the way Cardinals turn out young men… Um, I mean, knowing the way the St. Louis Cardinals can turn prospects into solid major league pitchers (the Vatican asked me to specify), I wouldn’t be surprised to see Shelby Miller being a productive member of the Cards rotation in 2013. For 2013, I see 10-4/3.63/1.27/155 in 150 innings and 21 starts. That’s a huge projection for a rookie pitcher. And there’s a chance for more.” And that’s me quoting me! I’m in love. He should be owned in all leagues. Yes, even your eight-person league where you own all eight teams. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in Spring Training for 2013 fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?