Fantasy Baseball Advice

Erik Bedard is headed to the DL.  The Bedarded they come, the Bedarded they fall.  So, he has a sprained knee.  “Ow, I think I hurt myself getting onto the examination table to have you check my shoulder.”  That’s Bedard at the doctor’s office.  Right now, the Erich Bedardens are showing the Bennis Carpensheeters a thing or two about staying unhealthy.  Keep it sickly, Bedardens!  Will be interesting to see if the M’s fill Bedard’s rotation spot with Chris Tillman– Oh, wait.  At least the Mariners still have Adam Jones– Oh, that’s right.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Dustin Ackley – Slam and legs with the lefty-on-lefty HR against Everyday Jonny Venters.  He’s hitting 5th now for the Mariners, which is like hitting 10th for the Yankees.  That said, any MI who can hit 10th for the Yankees, is pretty damn good.

Carlos Carrasco – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Carrasco’s getting hitters with his unique blend of salt, vinegar and cayenne peppers, and moving up the Scoville scale, so to speak.  Carrasco was always a regarded prospect and it looks like he’s finally putting it together.  I’ll buy it.  Masterson, I will also buy.  Tomlin, I do not buy.  Carmona’s crizzap even if he has potential closnarl.  That’s a scary-faced closer.  Valverde has mad closnarl.

Stephen Drew – 1-for-4 and his 5th home run.  He has a .266 average and about six years worth of hope wasted.  The one positive for Drew’s owners or wannabe owners is he tends to have a solid 2nd half.

Tim Stauffer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  His season ERA is 2.97, solid Ks and a 1.19 WHIP.  Yeah, that’s better than the fifth starter on your fantasy team.  Hodgepadre, shmodgepadre.  He should just be owned.

Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and a steal.  Now batting .175 with one home run.  It’s rookie nookie, you gotta decide if it’s worth the blisters.

Rubby de la Rosa – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Speaking of blisters, Rubby’s K:BB isn’t good at all, but his K-rate is nice.  To get less statistically abbreviated on you, I like him in very deep leagues, but not in any other ones for right now.

Ben Revere – 2-for-3 with his 9th steal in 40 games, and third steal in the last two games.  The concussed Span’s got the spins and could be out for a year or two if we’re to believe Morneau’s case example of being a Marblehead.  Whoa, burn!  In the mean’s while, Revere keeping his Somerville’d by lacing up his cleats and Salem from base to base.  Hey, you’re nobody until you’re Peabody.

Scott Baker – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks.  ERA is 3.15, 1.19 WHIP and 101 Ks in 105 2/3 IP.  Props need to go out to Rudy on Baker.  Back in April, Rudy said, “Baker has shown the potential to rise to another level (1.19 WHIP in 2009) but has been generally plagued by bad innings and gopheritis.  I’m sure I’m in the minority on this one but I’d rather have Baker than Liriano this year.”  And that’s me quoting Rudy!  Then I followed that up with a Buy article about Baker on April 22nd and again on April 29th.   It’s all there, search the site.

Alex Presley – 0-for-3 and a steal.  Not much to say here other than PICK HIM UP.  (Caps for emphasis, not aesthetics.)  Sorry, but I love seeing guys give fantasy value when they go oh-fer.  Shows me they’re really concerned for our fantasy teams’ well-being.

Eric Thames – 1-for-4 with a home run.  Hitting near .350 over the last week.  Could be a nice HBI (Hot Bat Injection) for those who need some power.

Brandon Morrow – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks.  [drooling] Brandon Morrow now has 91 Ks in 75 IP. [/drooling]

Andre Ethier – 0-for-4, 3 Ks.  Yesterday, Tristan Cockcroft pointed out Ethier as a guy that is overrated.  I said that back in February.  (I know I said that too about Bautista.  Remember, I’m the one carrying the cross.)

Jayson Werth – Out with a bad hip.  Could be side-whined for a few days.

Ryan Franklin – Released by the Cardinals.  Take it one day at a time, Ryan.  Like your mom, Bonnie Franklin.

Colby Rasmus – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd home run in as many games.  Geiger, let’s go!

Chris Carpenter - 9 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks as he threw 132 pitches.  I wonder if La Russa will let Carpenter hammer the last nail in his coffin.

Ryan Dempster – 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Easy matchup vs. the Giants but he still has some correcting to do with his 4.99 ERA.  I like him to get it down to around 4.00.

Josh Johnson – Saw Dr. Freeze and he found nothing but still shutdown Johnson for ten days.  A doctor’s gotta maintain his rep, I suppose.  “Don’t waste my time, Josh Johnson!  You’re grounded for 10 days.  Yes, that includes playing catch.  Yes, it’s fine to call your friend James Van Der Beek.  I don’t care if your friend Katie Holmes’ husband told you the pain is mental.”  Or if you prefer, “Tonight, a freeze is coming.”

Shaun Marcum – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks in The House They Built Next To The House Ruth Built.  Wasn’t an easy matchup, but I’m concerned Marcum isn’t fully healthy.

Jordan Zimmermann – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Now has a 2.63 ERA on the year.  February Grey told everyone to have Zimmermann or Beachy as their last starter.  February Grey, “Actually, I told everyone Zimmermann and Mike Minor, but then March Grey told everyone to switch it out with Beachy.  Carry on, June Grey, enjoy your last day!”

Dan Haren – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks.  ERA is now at 2.85.  I’ve been deliberating whether to tell you Haren’s going to have a 2nd half slide.  I’ll let you know what verdict the jury brings back.

Vance Worley – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Walks too many, and he’s been getting lucky.  If you trust him, you’re gonna get roofied and that’s gonna hurt your naughty bits.

Raul Ibanez – 3-for-3 with a slam and legs.  Has been getting benched because of his slump but this game might be the sign of an upcoming hot streak.  Stay tuned!  Or not.  Your choice.

Antonio Bastardo – Recorded the save yesterday for the Phillies.  After the game, Charlie Manuel, wearing overalls and no shirt, said something but failed to remove the piece of hay from his mouth so no one’s sure what he said.

Jonny Venters – 1 IP, 2 ER.  I think the Braves are going to kill him from overuse then strap him to the roof of their station wagon as they head off to Wally World.

Chipper Jones – Glass Chipper is having knee pain.  It’s a wonder he ever makes it out of bed.

Ty Wigginton – 1-for-3 with guess what?  Yup.

Jason Giambi – 2-for-3 with his 9th homer.  Having a much better season than Morneau.  Stab me in the eye.

Phil Hughes – Threw a solid start in rehab.  Why’s he pitching against a bunch of recovering drug addicts?  Inner voice, “It’s not that rehab!”  Um, right.  So I’m not a fan of Hughes for this year, told you to steer clear of him in the preseason, and don’t have high hopes for him when he returns.  With that said — yeah, I’m about to retract everything I just said — I’d stash him on my bench if I had room.

Clay Buchholz – As ESPN will tell you, with every Yankee mention, there needs to be a Red Sox mention.  Buchholz felt back pain on Tuesday and says he won’t return before the All-Star Game.  Too bad, so sad.

Ian Kinsler – 2-for-4 and 2 home runs.  Hayzeus Cristo, it took him long enough to get hot again.  Hang on for an eight homer month, assuming he stays healthy.

Jason Bay – 1-2 with 4 BBs, 3 Runs, and 2 SBs.  Since he’s not hitting any HRs, he’s reinventing himself as a leadoff hitter.  He better not want Crawford money – oh wait, the Mets are kind of paying him that already.

Angel Pagan – The oxymoron went 4-for-6 with 3 runs and 4 RBIs.  Dan Brown is writing a book as we speak called Angels & Pagans.  In the plot, the Catholic Church is involved in a conspiracy that is thwarted by a Latin outfielder and Mr. Met.

SAT Question:  Albert Pujols is to a fractured forearm as Justin Morneau is to playing every day in 2011 and you can’t take him out of your lineup.  Only thing worse for Cardinal fans is if Don Denkinger announced Pujols’s fractured forearm while wearing a Wilson Betemit jersey.  We never get Pujols in any leagues.  I mean, never.  This year, we thought we’d go against common practice and pay for him in one league.  It’ll take away some money we have for the rest of our team, but at least we’ll have Pujols.  *standing in the pouring rain, shaking fist at the sky*  Come get some, Fantasy Overlord!  So, unfortunately, the slap on Albert’s forearm was harder than the law gave to Tony La Russa when he DUI’d and Pujols will be out for at least 6 weeks. (They’re saying 4-6 weeks, but that’s optimistic.)  Looks like Jon Jay, the Federalist, will get more time.  Well, why didn’t you say that?!  That makes everything better!  *sticks head in oven*  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

David Freese – Returns next week.  If he’s on waivers, now would be as good a time as any to pick him up.  Or now.  Or now.  Or…Well, you get the picture.

Adrian Gonzalez – Francona said A-Gone might play some outfield during interleague play.  A-Gon’s got the outfield range of a Johnny Damon throw.  The Red Sox are going to mitigate his poor range by giving him a really big glove.

Andrew Miller – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners (3 walks), 6 Ks.  I should do lines in Vegas– Whoa, Charlie Sheen!  This is a family show! Random Italicized Voice, I mean I should make betting lines for oddsmakers.  I totally would’ve called this Miller line.  He’s such a 5 to 6 inning pitcher with 3 to 4 earned runs and a lousy WHIP.  (BTW, Sawx vs. Padres in Fenway?  This is like S.D. Jones vs. Andre the Giant.)

Tim Hudson – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks.  I was gonna write a post about interleague in regards to this, but I didn’t get a chance so here’s the short version.  When a team doesn’t see a pitcher often, the pitcher has the advantage.  An AL team loses a DH, advantage for the NL pitcher (and not just because Hudson pitchslapped Romero).  They still have the play the games, and, as Morton showed last night, a terrible performance is terrible no matter the circumstances.  Continued in the next blurb…

J.A. Happ – 2 2/3 IP, 5 ER in Arlington.  Then you have an interleague matchup of a mediocre pitcher vs. a tough lineup in a hitters’ park and Happ happens.

Jose Bautista – 0-for-4, I know Bautista’s going to hit three bombs tonight because I’m about to write this, but in June — 1 homer and a .259 average.  Last year, only 4 homers in June and a .179 average.  Bautista did go back to the Smackdown in July.

Travis Wood – 7 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  After the first inning where he gave up 4 runs, he settled down and stopped letting Volquez call his pitches.

Ivan Nova – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks.  He seems to have a great start then a terrible one.  Maybe Nova is a star that suddenly becomes much brighter than normal and then gradually returns to its original brightness.

Mariano Rivera – 1 IP, 0 ER.  Nothing to say here, but I was at my chiropractor yesterday — I’m so LA! (and I sit in front of my computer too much) — but I read a great article about cutters in Sports Illustrated from one or two weeks ago.  I’d seek it out.  Was about how so many pitchers are adopting the cutter.  Hey, look, it’s like we’re in a book club!

Charlie Morton – 2 IP, 6 ER.  He was walking between the raindrops for too long without getting wet.  It was a nice ride, but now I’d bench or lose him in most leagues.

Jake Arrieta – 5 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks and a 4.50 ERA on the year.  Yet, he has 9 wins.  In other news, wins are stupid.

Juan Nicasio – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  The roofie as defined by the Razzball Glossary:  A rookie pitcher who fails to deliver on their tremendous K potential and, instead, abuses your trust and violates your ERA and WHIP.  Used in a sentence, “Doctor, last night Nicasio roofied me and now I’m peeing blood out of my rear.”

Carlos Santana – 3-for-4 with his 10th home run and third steal.  It’s a slam and legs, and it’s easy to digest.  The average is blehtastic at .237, but his OBP is fine and his BABIP shows he’s been a bit unlucky.  He’s still just a catcher, but his end of the year numbers are gonna look decent.

Jason Giambi – 1-for-4 with his 7th home run.  Giambi’s a decent interleague flyer if you’re in dire need for power in a deep league.  Short term play though.  BTW, I just totally spazzed myself out thinking about how Giambi’s having a better year than Morneau.  I will now walk into traffic wearing a burlap sack.

Orlando Hudson – 3-for-4 with his first homer.  I didn’t see it, but I’m guessing Pesky-fueled.  O, you, dog.

Chase Headley – 4-for-5, and hitting near .500 in the last week.  Wanna know why?  Because he wants to hug you.  No.  That’s not why.  Cause he’s away from Petco.  This year — .336 in away games.  .235 at home.  In 2010, same shizz, different year.

Starlin Castro – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd home run and 9th steal.  I’m a bit embarrassed to say this because I have Castro on a bunch of teams, but I thought he had more homers.  2 homers?  Really?   Really, Seth Myers?

Clayton Kershaw – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 11 Ks.  I have a bit of a schoolgirl crush on him.  That is all.  (Unless he wants more.  I’m totally open for that.)

James Loney – 3-for-4 and 6 for his last 11.  Hitting over .290 for two straight months and– I’m sorry, I can’t get excited about him.

Ryan Braun – Missed yesterday’s game with a viral infection.  Oy, someone make the Hebrew Hammer some matzoh ball soup.

Jeff Niemann – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I’m going to sound like an obstinate broken record here.  But I don’t buy into Neimann at all.  At all.  At–

Evan Longoria – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs with his 6th home run and is hitting .237.  So Pujols, Hanley, Wright, Longoria and Crawford are lured into The Octagon, who wants in first?

Leo Nunez – So spooked by strange noises in his hotel in Florida that he spent the weekend at his friend’s home.  Some meddling kids figured out it was Robb Nen draped in a bed sheet.

Hanley Ramirez – New (<–ironic! (if I am using the word ironic correctly) manager, Jack McKeon, benched Hanley in his first game.  The 80-year-old manager said, “In my day, bats were made out of particle board.  They weighed 5 times a player’s body weight and you had to put them together with wood screws.”  He continued, “Look, there’s no miracle elixir that can get us back into first…but McKendrick’s Revitalization Potion #7 never hurts!”

Vicente Padilla went to the DL with a forearm strain.  Maybe it’s was straining to be a fivearm.  Oofa!  Who am I, Buddy Hackett?  Actually, I am.  No, I kid.  Or do I?!  No, I do, he’s dead.  Unless I’m writing this post from beyond the grave!  Boo!  Know what I like most about Matt Guerrier?  He’s not Padilla.  How’s dem apples?  Sour!  Then we have Kenley Jansen– “Buh-buh-but, Grey!  Who do we own from the Dodgers bullpen?  I can’t own everyone.  By the way, nice mustache.  Primo!”  For immediate closer action, I’d own Guerrier, Jansen, Alyssa Milano, in that order.  Unless your league counts blown saves, then reverse the order.  But — and unless you’re an alien, there’s always a but — I think Jansen ends the season with more saves than Guerrier.  The only problem is I think he gets weaned into the job and may not be getting saves regularly at first.  Frankly, it’s a committee and too many chefs make too many hors d’oeuvres and not enough entrees, or whatever that cliche is.  Oh, and because any great closerousel shituation should keep fantasy owners on their toes, Guerrier pitched the 8th inning in a losing game last night.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Joe Blanton – Yesterday, he was scratched.  No word if he’s still itchy.

Kyle McClellan – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He’s getting lucky and his strikeouts have been poor.  Soon there will be a plague of locust as we know from the The Book of Joel Pineiro.

Doug Fister – 8 IP, 1 ER and two punchouts.  Well, ain’t that appropriate for Fister?

Scott Downs – Just when it seemed like he might step in for Walden, he comes in and gives up the winning run.  Somewhere, Fernando Rodney said, “Hey, I could’ve done that!”

Howie Kendrick – 3-for-4 with his 7th home run.  He’s quietly (Is it quiet even after you say quietly?) putting together a solid season that I was excited about happening in the preseason.  Though, I didn’t get him in any league.  Nice move, El Capitan!

Justin Morneau – 3-for-5 and his 2nd home run.  Oh.  Wait a second?!  Did my typees just type what I think they did?  No!  Couldn’t be.  Did they pitch to Morneau while he was standing on 2nd because they felt bad for him?  Was their a solar eclipse during the at-bat which distracted everyone so Morneau could grab the pitched ball and throw it over the fence?  Did Trevor Plouffe go to bat wearing Morneau’s jersey?  Or could it just be a guy capable of 30 effin’ homers actually hit his 2nd homer?  Dare to dream.

Neftali Feliz – It might be nothing but Feliz didn’t look so happy yesterday when he blew his second save in two days.  He now has more walks than Ks and his WHIP is obscene, and not in the good, “Hey, what kind of movies can you order in this motel that you rent by the hour?” obscene.  If you own Feliz, I’d be worried that he’s hiding an injury.

Derek Holland – 8 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks but lost the game to Greg Holland.  Guess the Rangers and Royals decided to go Dutch.

Gavin Floyd – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  This comes after a game where he gave up 5 earned in 4 1/3 IP to Oakland.  Looks like Gavin righted the ship.  Love Boat humor!

Alex Rios – 1-for-4 and hitting .203.  Is it me or does there seem to be a lot of players hitting under .250 really late into the season?  Not rhetorical.  Heyward – .214; Uggla – .194; Kelly Johnson – .181; Longoria – .234; CarGo – .245; Tulo – .247; Hanley – .217, etc. etc. etc.

Tyson Ross – Left the game with an oblique strain.  This comes right when Cody Ross finally looks healthy.  It’s like the butterfly effect for just Rosses.  All I can say, Betsy Ross is lucky to be dead.

Justin Turner – 1-for-3 as he knocked in the Mets only run.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  You can hardly wait!  No, you!

Dillon Gee – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks.  A broken clock is right two times a day and Dillon Gee happened to be right for seven and two-thirds.

Marlon Byrd – Hit his 3rd homer and finally broke the 10 RBI barrier.  Only after batting for a month and a half in an RBI position in the lineup.  Terrific.

Darwin Barney – 1 for his last 13.  This could be the bottom finally falling out for The Purple Evolutionist.

Jay Bruce – 3-for-4 with 2 home runs.  Bruuuuuuce!  *breath*  Bruuuuuuce!

James McDonald – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks in a top five park for offense.  This comes a start after he was mollywhopped by the Brewers to the tune of five runs in 4 innings.  Pretty hard to trust that inconsistency in shallow roto mixed leagues, but it’s a gamble I could see taking in H2H.

Ryan Braun – The Hebrew Hammer left the game with a sore shoulder.  The team will reevaluate him tomorrow.  Hopefully, it’s good news for the Brewers and Hebrewers alike.

Chris Narveson – Since I pointed out that Narveson should be better, he’s thrown 19 1/3 IP and given up three earned runs.  Cust kayin’.

Shane Victorino – Headed to the DL, but Domonic Brown won’t be called up according to the GM.  I don’t buy it.  I mean, I buy that he’s not coming up immediately, but he’s still not further than a week or two away.

Josh Collmenter – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 1 K.  No, he shouldn’t be this good.  With an ERA of 0.69 over 26 IP, it doesn’t matter if I think he should be this good.  He should just be owned and let him worry about when his deal with the devil expires.

Madison Bumgarner – Came within an out of a complete game shutout.  I like Bumgarner, so don’t take this the wrong way, but the Dodgers have two hitters.  Ethier, Kemp and pray for seven hit batsmen.

Al Alburquerque – 1/3 IP, 1 ER and the loss.  As frequent commenter, nyydj2, said “Alburquerque got barbequerqued.”

Brennan Boesch – 1-for-5 with his 3rd home run.  He’s been getting dropped across multiple fantasy leagues recently and I can understand it.  He’s hitting in a cushy spot in the lineup, but I’m using the word ‘hitting’ loosely for what he’s done recently.

Alex Rodriguez – Yesterday, the Yankees scored 13 runs and A-Roid went 0-for-3.  Ticker tease!

Ricky Romero – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  RR Cool Jay (see resemblance) now has a 3.10 ERA on the year and has 57 Ks in 58 IP.  Yeah, he’s doing better than that other pitcher you own.  Yup, and him too.

J.P. Arencibia – Hit his 7th home run yesterday and three homers in his last 10 games as he bats .235 on the year.  Obviously J.P. stands for Just Passable (for shallow mixed leagues).

Jhoulys Chacin – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  It’s pronounced:  Yo-Lease.  Usage in a sentence:  Hold onto Yo-Lease.

Jason Giambi – 3 home runs yesterday.  It was a throwbackne to yesteryear.  He sure hits them in bunches.  Some would say in “cycles.”

John Danks had a no-hitter through 6 innings yesterday and ended with a line of 9 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 7 Ks.  That’s Jo-Da showing us how to harness midi-chlorians.  Top ten in the AL with my WHIP at 1.13 through 112 innings, have I.  Hmmm… Yessss.  A Yoda translator, I do not need because I am Jo-Da.   Danks has made a lot more hitters swing at pitches outside the strike zone this year — 21% in 2009 to over 28%, resulting in hitters making contact with almost 70% of pitches outside the strike zone compared to 57.7% last year.  That increase, naturally, has caused hitters to make a lot less solid contact.  This might be from his changeup, which he is throwing more of this year.  Or it could be The Force.  Either way, Danks is not suddenly an ace, but he is teetering between a fantasy #2 and #3.  You’ll take that, wrap it in a tortilla, load it up with guac and eat it.  Yes, you will.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Michael Brantley – Even though his gig is steals-a-plenty, Brantley hit his first homer as the rest of Cleveland dealt with a bad case of LeBronchitis.  Listen, Cleveland, it hurts real bad right now, but you still have Jake Westbrook.

Roy Oswalt – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks.  After the game, Oswalt took off his jersey and switched it with a fan who was wearing a Dodger jersey.  Oswalt said he saw it in the World Cup and thought it was a fun tradition.  He then winked, nudged and whispered, “Get me out of Houston.”

Lance Berkman – 3-for-4 with 2 homers and now has 5 homers in the last four games.  Watch out, The Ghost of Berkmans Past is haunting Houston.

Dan Wheeler – Picked up the save as Rafael Soriano was noticeably absent for the 2nd game in a row.  You know what I did immediately in every league?  I picked up Dan Wheeler.  The Rays have a bunch of guys who could step up.  Benoit’s been incredible, Balfour’s been decent, but Wheeler got the save yesterday so that was who I grabbed, in a non-perverse way.

Carl Crawford – 2-for-4 with 2 homers.  Not sure what’s more surprising, that Crawford has ten homers or Longoria has only 13.  Yeah, Longoria probably.  Get some donks, Longo!

Wade Davis – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He needed this quality start since he may have been pitching for his life with the whispers of Hellickson getting called up growing louder.  Or maybe those whispers were Michael and the other dead Lost people.  BTW, I’m still annoyed at the ending.  Okay, moving on.

Mat Latos – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  You know Jeff Foxworthy with his “You know you’re a redneck…” shtick?  Well, along those lines, you know you are a total baseball nerd if you’re fascinated to see how the Padres will balance Latos’ workload with the need to pitch him as they make a run for the pennant.  Hey, Foxworthy’s isn’t funny either.

Ervin Santana – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Now has an ERA of 3.76 on the year with 100 Ks in 122 IP.  Barring the Yankees and at Arlington, that’s a guy you start every time out.  Cust kayin’.

Jose Reyes – Was reported early yesterday that Reyes was going to see a doctor for his oblique pain, which is a terrible sign… But then, as with most things with the Mets, things were not as they seemed.  Later in the day, it was reported that Reyes did not see a doctor and should be fine for Friday.  Stay tuned for at least five more conflicting reports regarding the Mets.

Matt LaPorta – Out for the third straight day for what was deemed an insignificant head bruise.  Can’t we send him back out there with Cervelli’s Great Gazoo helmet?

Jose Bautista – 1-for-4 with his 23rd homer.  All he does is hit homers!  No, really, that’s all he does.  He hit .179 in June.  Did he drink Dave Kingman’s Vitamin Water?

Adam Lind – Speaking of nothing but homers, Lind hit his 11th homer.  Courtesy of ESPN, Lind has one three hit game this year.  On Opening Day.  Yowsers!  (The “Yowsers!” was my addition, not ESPN.)

Brett Cecil – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks.  He has 93 IP and 67 Ks, not terrific.  His matchups are wonky at times.  His WHIP of 1.16, very pretty.  Hey, take the good, take the bad…yadda yadda yadda….  The Facts of Life.

Rafael Furcal – 3-for-3 with his 6th homer and 14th steal.  Someone’s been staying at the Renaissance Hotel.

Clayton Kershaw – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 hits, no walks, 12 Ks and now has a 2.96 ERA with 128 Ks in 104 1/3 IP.  Member when his ERA was 4.99 on May 4th and you were buggin’ out and I told you to chill out?  We were younger then, you and I.  Fond memories.

Joe Mauer – 0-for-4, now hitting .297 with 4 homers.  Wow.  And.  Ow.  Where are the Mauer owners?  I never hear any complaints in the comments about him.  I know you’re out there.  Is all forgiven because of his precious Runs?  I am not disappointed at all.  Mauer gets me Runs.  I am glad I drafted him in the first round and converted his bobblehead into my water faucet.  The only water coming out of your Joe Mauer bobblehead is tears and you know it.  C’mon, vent a little, it’s good for the soul.

Scott Baker – 6 IP, 5 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  May not have been the easiest matchup but how many excuses are you going to make for Baker?  You guys had a good run– Actually, no, you had a terrible time together.  I’d part ways if there’s decent options on waivers.

Justin Morneau – After taking a knee to his melon, he sat out yesterday.  He’s day-to-day, or as they say in Jamaica, dayo-to-dayo.

Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Hasn’t given up more than 1 earned run in any game since June 12th.  Yup.

Felix Pie – 1-for-3 with a homer.  That is some tasty Pee-ay.

Gerardo Parra – 4-for-5 with 2 runs.  That line is pretty indicative of Parra.  He hits for average and little else.  He’s like a poor man’s Coghlan.  That’s not a compliment.

Andres Torres – 2-for-6 while hitting his 2nd homer in as many games.  Now has 3 homers and 3 steals in the last week.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but you don’t need to wait for that shizz.  He’s right here, guys and three girl readers.  Go at it.

Buster Posey – 2-for-4 with his 6th homer.  In 50 less games, he has better numbers on the year than Wieters.  He’ll probably be passing Mauer in value soon too.  Ouchy.  How’s that avoiding my advice to punt catcher treating you?  Now get me my mead!!!

Andy Pettitte – 8 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Hey, all of you Pettitte owners, you’re living on borrowed time.  That is all.

Jason Giambi – 4-for-4, but I picked up Brad Eldred in my NL-Only league!  Freakin’ Giambino.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Aw, geez, now he’s just making it difficult for Keith Law to choose his NL Cy Young.  Pardon me, may I see your FIP? That was my Keith Law impersonation.  It needs work.

Shane Victorino – 3-for-4 with his 14th homer.  Uh-oh, he’s gaining on Ryan Howard.

Brad Lidge – 1 IP, 1 ER and his third blown save.  Lidge loves to turn the vacuum from suck to blow.  He is more than capable of losing the closer job, but I don’t think it happens without a few more blown saves or an injury.

Ryan Madson – Was activated from the DL and blew his 3rd save.  Hey, just like old times!  For those out there with short-term memory — hey, who just wrote that?! — Madson wasn’t great before the trip to the DL, so there’s no reason to think he’s going to suddenly take over for Lidge.  I mean, it’s possible if Lidge continues to be crizzap or gets hurt, but it’s not happening right away.

Jayson Werth – Trade rumors are swirling that Werth might be moved.  His value would obviously take a hit, unless, of course, he moves to Coors or The House They Built Adjacent To The House That Ruth Built, but neither team really needs Werth.  These trade rumors may just be because Utley is sick of his tag team partner (<–not entirely safe for work, unless you work in the porn industry).  That news item reminds me when Willie McGee and Otis Nixon were rumored to be swapping paper bags with the eyes cut out.

The Mets infirmary added a new member yesterday with Johan Santana complaining of elbow soreness.  M-E-S-S… Mess, Mess, Mess…  I can’t remember another team that has been this Kotchman-bitten.  Now pitching for the New York Mets… Angel Pagan.  He will also lead-off.  I don’t think in spring training when the Mets promised no September collapse they anticipated a June collapse.  Johan Santana may need surgery.  Or maybe he can return.  If you were the Mets, would you press your luck and hope for no whammy?  I mean this is more common sense than ‘pert sense.  Don’t do anything drastic until we hear more, but, as with anything Mets related this season, plan for the worse.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jeff Francoeur – Ligament tear in his thumb.  Frenchy’s toast?  This free swinger says to ball gag that thought.  Francoeur thinks he can continue to play.  It may be financially motivated… Oh, who are we kidding?  No one owns him.

Billy Wagner – Will stay with the Mets.  Anyone wanna take bets that he’ll be examined by a doctor for an injury by next Thursday?

Chris Davis – I mentioned him briefly in the September call ups post-a-ma-thingie yesterday.  He’ll get opportunities to be better than earlier in the year.  Can Davis provide you with some pop?  Um, yeah.  He can hit 10 homers in September alone.  Will he?  Sorry, the Magic Eight Ball’s in the shop.  He’s worth a flier if you need power.  Hank Blalock’s value will probably take the biggest hit with the Davis recall, but Blalock was hurting his own value anyway.

Pablo Sandoval – Left yesterday’s game in the 3rd with a tight calf.   If he were on the Mets, he’d be out for the year, which is to say he’s day-to-day.

Freddy Sanchez – Could be headed to the DL with a sore shoulder.  The same sore shoulder I could’ve told the Giants front office about prior to them trading away Tim Alderson for Sanchez.

Ryan Howard – 2 HRs yesterday and 7 homers in the last ten games.  The first homer was an opposite field shot where he was jammed and had no business hitting it out.  Somewhere, Frank Howard is requesting a paternity test.

Cliff Lee – 7 IP, 2 unearned runs, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Against the Mets lineup, the two unearned runs were probably a ticker shock to some.

Jose Contreras – 2 2/3 IP, 6 unearned runs.  Hey, Cliff, that’s not a ticker shock, this is a ticker shock.  Contreras heads to the bullpen and Peavy will probably take his Saturday start.

Gordon Beckham – HR yesterday.  He has been going through the usual rookie difficulties recently as he hits near .150 in the last week or so (<– now that’s some exact calculations!).  But he still has a few homers this month and 8 on the year.  I can’t wait to see where February Grey is going to rank him for 2010.  If I had to take a guess, I’d say around 150 with a blurb talking about how Beckham can outperform that draft spot.  Just as I was writing that, February Grey peeked his head in my office to say, “You don’t know me at all.”

Yovani Gallardo – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 Ks and 4 flippin’ walks.  How about someone sign up Yovani, Kershaw and Scherzer for Be A Twinkie Fantasy Camp hosted by control freak, Brad Radke?

Scott Baker – 7 IP, 1 ER.  Now has a 12-7 record and hasn’t lost in almost two months though his ERA is at 4.47.  That immediately sent me looking up one thing — Run Support.  He has the 11th best in the majors with over 8 runs/game.  Cust kayin’.

Jason Frasor – Hasn’t pitched in almost a week and is being bothered by shoulder tendinitis, which may speed up Downs’s save chances.

Ben Zobrist – Hit his 4th homer in the last six games.  Kiss your imaginary girlfriend goodbye, cause I’m about to blow your mind.  At 2nd base, Zobrist has been more valuable this year than Kinsler.

Jason Marquis – 8 IP, 1 ER.  Sure, it was vs. the Giants, but Marquis has a 3.47 ERA on the year.  Incredible.

Roy Halladay – 6 IP, 7 ER.  After the game, Halladay was seen mumbling, “I coulda been in the NL.”

Randy Ruiz – Hit his 4th homer in 46 ABs since his call-up.  He’ll be exploited at some point but until then he can give you some pop.

Jason Giambi – Giambi sat down with his family to discuss his future, but they were unable to come to a decision.  Later that night, Giambi fell asleep on the couch.  In his dreams, the dwarf hooker from the movie, Orphan, greeted him with a pamphlet.  That pamphlet’s title, Choose Your Own Career Path.  Inside, there were two options.  1. Retire  2. Before you fade into oblivion, latch onto a team and become a pinch hitter.  Giambi woke in a sweat.  His wife asked if he had to do number two and Giambi rapidly nodded, he did.