Fantasy Baseball Advice

Top twenty catchers, 1st basemen and 2nd basemen are in the books.  Third basemen will be here shortly.  Today, it’s the top 20 Shortstops for 2009 Fantasy Baseball’s time to shine.  Hmm… Actually, most of these won’t shine.  They’re dull with a chance of boring.  As I said in the beginning of the year, the shortstops are even shallower than the 2nd basemen.  This held true.  A good two weeks in the major leagues and you too can make the top twenty list for shortstops!  Okay, enough of the hubbub on the tomfoolery.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 shortstops for 2009 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:

1. Hanley Ramirez – I was hoping for a 35/35 season from Hanley, so I was a bit disappointed by a 24/27 season.  Obviously, not nearly as disappointed as I was in Jose Reyes.  (First bitter Jose Reyes mention.)  Preseason Rank #1, 2009 Projections:  125/37/80/.295/35, Final Numbers:  101/24/106/.342/27

2. Derek Jeter – As many of you know, I interviewed Matthew Berry in March.  He called shenanigans.  Why I bring this up now?  Because here’s why he got mad.  His words from Deadspin.com, “So, I was just surprised by some of what he said. Especially the part about me defending Jeter! I’ve had Jeter on every fantasy “hate” list I can remember… That was a low blow, saying I liked Jeter.”  Turned out, Jeter went on to be the 3rd ranked hitter in all of the AL according to the ESPN Player Rater.  Cust kayin’.  Preseason Rank #8, 2009 Projections:  110/12/70/.305/12, Final Numbers:  107/18/66/.334/30

3. Troy Tulowitzki – I predicted a comeback in the preseason when I said, “Let’s put Tulo’s 2008 season into a strait jacket and then submerge it into Houdini’s Milk Can.”  Then I predicted a comeback from his poor early season struggles.  Without a poor April and May, he’d be the top ranked shortstop.  Yeah, he was that good in 2009.  I wish I believed in all of the steals he racked up this year, but his total is about three times the most he’s ever recorded in any season of professional ball.  Still, he’s good, and can get a bit better on the power side.  Preseason Rank #7, 2009 Projections:  65/20/85/.285/5, Final Numbers:  101/32/92/.297/20

4. Jason Bartlett – I didn’t believe the high average in May and I still don’t (he hit around .230 in September).  I’m pretty sure when February Grey gets around to going through guys that will disappoint in 2010, Bartlett’s name will be there.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  90/14/66/.320/30

5. Ben Zobrist – Went over him in the top 20 2nd basemen post.  Final Numbers:  91/27/91/.297/17

6. Michael Young – In the preseason, he looked like he was headed for the Chariot of Empty Averages.  Turned out he still had some pop in his bat.  (Not pop meaning soda for those reading in Minnesota.)  Preseason Rank #10, 2009 Projections:  100/10/85/.310/10, Final Numbers:  76/22/68/.322/8

7. Jimmy Rollins – I predicted his steals would come down and they may fall a bit more next year, too.  What should stop falling is his average.  He had some bad luck this year.  Might need one on those waving porcelain cats that are in sushi restaurants.  Preseason Rank #3, 2009 Projections:  115/16/75/.280/40, Final Numbers:  100/21/77/.250/31

8. Miguel Tejada – Wait a second, forget Jose Reyes, where is Stephen Drew?  Tejada did pretty much what I thought he would, except for a higher average.  Expect Jim Bunning to ask Congress to withdraw Tejada’s high average because of an unrealistic BABIP.  Preseason Rank #11, 2009 Projections:  90/15/75/.285/7, Final Numbers:  83/14/86/.313/5

9. Asdrubal Cabrera – Went over him in the top 20 2nd basemen post.  Preseason Rank #19, Final Numbers:  81/6/68/.308/17

10. Yunel Escobar – Why can’t Yunel just steal 10 bases? Adam Dunn can steal 10 bases.  Ryan Howard stole 8 bases.  Shoot, McCann nearly stole as many as Yunel in 2009.  At least do it for your fantasy baseball owners.  (Isn’t it weird how some players sound better when you call them by their first name and some better by their last name?  I would never call McCann by Brian or Yunel by Escobar.  BTW II, doesn’t Yunel by Escobar sound like a douchebag clothing designer?  Ed Hardy? Pfft!  I’m wearing Yunel by Escobar.)  Preseason Rank #14, 2009 Projections:  90/13/65/.300/3, Final Numbers:  89/14/76/.299/5

11. Marco Scutaro – Went over him in the top 20 2nd basemen post. Final Numbers:  100/12/60/.282/14

12. Orlando Cabrera – O-Cab < Taxi Cab Confessions < Cash Cab.  Yes, this top 20 is so shallow that one good month would get you on the list.  Preseason Rank #12, 2009 Projections:  90/7/65/.280/20, Final Numbers:  83/9/77/.284/13

13. Ryan Theriot – In May, I traded Theriot and Adam Dunn for Joe Reyes.  Have I mentioned how much I hate Reyes?  I’d take 20+ steals from my futility infielder over Yunel’s brand of yawnstipating stats.  Preseason Rank #16, 2009 Projections:  90/2/40/.295/25, Final Numbers:  81/7/54/.284/21

14. Erick Aybar – Really scary how unreliable some of the guys in this top 20 were for extended periods of time.  This is why I play fast and furious with my MIs.  Aybar’s hot?  Play him!  Yunel on a streak?  Play him!  Beckham?  What the hey!  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  70/5/58/.312/14

15. Alexei Ramirez – Went over him in the top 20 2nd basemen post. Preseason Rank #4, Final Numbers:  71/15/68/.277/14

16. Elvis Andrus – 30+ steals, nice.  Do I hear 40+?  Maybe next year I do.  Preseason Rank #21, 2009 Projections: 55/3/35/.250/20, Final Numbers:  72/6/40/.267/33

17. Maicer Izturis – Went over him in the top 20 2nd basemen post.  Final Numbers:  74/8/65/.300/13

18. Clint Barmes – Went over him in the top 20 2nd basemen post.  Preseason Rank #20, 2009 Projections:  75/12/55/.270/12, Final Numbers:  69/23/76/.245/12

19. Rafael Furcal – He actually came pretty close to the numbers I predicted for him if he only played one month.  Wow, what happened to this schmohawk?  Mark Reynolds stole a dozen bases more than Furcal.  To quote DeNiro in Goodfellas, what’s the world coming to?  Preseason Rank #9, 2009 Projections:  95/15/65/.285/35 or 25/6/40/.390/7, Final Numbers:  92/9/47/.269/12

20. Gordon Beckham – If he had a full season of Runs and RBIs, he would’ve been a top ten shortstop.  Note to Grey:  Write a lot about him leading up to 2010.  Follow up note, you already did.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  58/14/63/.270/7

Right now, Jason Bartlett has a 45/8/39/.347/19 line.  At 29-years-old, he’s flying past his career numbers.  Before this season, his career high for homers was 5.  He’s already at 8.  So let’s say the talk of his new jack swing is true; he can hit for more power now.  He’s still not hitting more than 5 homers in the 2nd half (he hit 1 homer in June and July in 87 ABs).  Recently, Maddon has batted him 7th or 8th in the order.  So the runs won’t come easy unless he eats at Taco Bell.  He’s a career .286 hitter with a .398 BABIP right now, so the average will come down.  He’s never stolen more than 23 bases in a season, but let’s say he blows that away by ten.  So let’s be optimistic and say a 2nd half line of 30/5/35/.300/14.  I ran an ultraviolet light over my bedsheets and it read, “That sounds a lot like Clint Barmes’s 2nd half.”  Thanks for confirming my suspicions, bed!  So Bartlett is a Sell.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Josh Whitesell – Speaking of -sells, but this one’s a Buy… Kinda.  Whitesell doesn’t have every day playing time right now, so grab him in NL-Only leagues, but everywhere else I’d hold tight.  So, I guess, that’s a Whitehold.

Ramon Troncoso – The only thing better than getting vulture saves for your birthday is getting vulture wins.  But I’d take some vulture saves on my half birthday (<–it’s tomorrow!).

Pedro Martinez – Already went over my thoughts on Pedro to the Phillies.  I said, “In his last 48 starts, he has a 4.74 ERA and that was in a pitchers’ park.  On the other hand, he has been solid for Ks even as his career winds down.  On the third hand, he gave up 19 homers in 109 innings last year.  Oy.  I would grab him in an NL-Only league to see if there’s a spark left from the midget era, but I’d hold off in mixed leagues.”  And that’s me saving you the trouble of searching the site yourself!

Justin Duchscherer – Expected back early August.  I’d stash him if I had a DL spot.

Garrett Jones – If you’re wondering about this guy, where ya been?  He’s now been mentioned in three straight Buy/Sells.

Jed Lowrie – Will return on Saturday.  In a weekly AL-Only league, I’ve already activated him.  In a mixed league, where I’m rocking Everth Cabrera, I’m not sure what I’m going to do.  I’ll probably drop Lowrie because even in his Sons of Sam Horn-deemed huge year in 2008, he had 2 homers and one steal while batting .258 in two-hundred and sixty at-bats.  Pardon me while I yawn.

Marcus Thames – Has 3 homers in the last six games.  He can hit 7 more homers in the month of July before he becomes unusable in August, i.e., he’s streaky like Spike’s hair from Degrassi Junior High.  If Thames ever becomes a regular fantasy contributor, I have the title, “A Thames Runs Through It” burning a hole in my pocket.

Alex Gordon – Hey, it’s Grey’s favorite prospect that makes San Diego prospect, Nadir Bupkus, look valuable.  Boing! The best you could hope for from Gordon is a 5 to 7 homer 2nd half and 5 to 7 steals.  Those are optimistic when you consider he just had hip surgery.  Gordon’s worth grabbing if your corner spot is in dire straits, Mark Knopfler.

Edwin Encarnacion – To answer comment #76, “I’d go with Edwin over Alex Gordon.”

Mat Latos – The newest of the HodgePadres.  He was dissected in a Scouting the Unknown a few weeks ago.  I’d grab Latos in all leagues 12 or deeper.

Brandon Wood – Don’t blame Scioscia, where do you put a guy named Wood other than the bench?  It’s the power of the aptronym (<–Word of the Day!).  So, how long you think Scioscia extends Wood?  Hmm… Let’s rephrase.  How long until Wood’s demoted again?  Week?  Two?  I hope Wood’s up for good and getting regular at-bats, but I have my doubts.  He’s worth a flier but I wouldn’t invest too heavily.

SELL

Jay Bruce – Since I had no DL spot, I dropped him for Troncoso in a 15 team league.  He might return in 6 weeks.  Awesome!  He wasn’t hitting when his wrist was one piece.  I’d hold him in keepers and deep NL-Only leagues.

Dan Haren – The dog days of summer don’t do him justice.  Maybe he’s part-Albino and he’s scared of sun damage.  Whatever the case, the stats don’t lie.  Not since 2005 has he pitched well in the 2nd half.  And that was following a season of 46 innings in 2004, so my guess is he tires.  From 2006 through 2008, his 2nd half ERAs have been 4.91, 4.15 and 4.19, respectively.  Every way you look at it, he’s not the pitcher in the 2nd half as he has been in the 1st half.

Casey McGehee – McGehee has been slowed by patella tendinitis in his knee.  (I went to college with a Patella.  Sweet girl.)  McGehee’s 3 for his last 17 and has sat out three games in the last week.  As I said all along, McGehee wasn’t that great to begin with, if he’s hurting, there’s no reason to wait around.  It sure didn’ take McGehee long to go from a Buy to a Sell.  (BTW, the “T” that I left off of “didn” is being boxed up and shipped to Mat Latos.)

Well you came and you gave without taking but I sent you away, oh Wandy….Wandy Rodriguez yesterday gave up four homers in five innings.  That was one way to correct an abnormal home run rate.  This is three starts now that he’s been rocked.  His owners got a bye on the first one because they were called unearned runs. His 2nd one was some kind of marvel with the Pirates getting eight singles in 4 and two-thirds.  Yesterday’s, well, that was an explosion.  If anyone out there had the impression Wandy was going to be an under 2 ERA pitcher, that was a mistake.  In April, I said, “(Wandy’s) not going to finish the year under a 3 ERA, so he will take some lumps at some point.”  And that’s me quoting me!  I mean, c’mon, it’s Wandy Rodriguez.  He’s great.  I love him.  He’s my imaginary friend’s godfather.  But, for Christmas sake, he’s 30 years old and his home run rate before last night was 1.4% (It should be near 11%).  I’m still on the Wandwagon, but he’s a 3.75 pitcher.  Remember, he’s also a 8 K/9 pitcher, which is still good.  Even last night he K’d 7 guys between gopher balls.  So, the wheels are wobbling on the Wandwagon, but they’re not off.   Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jose Reyes – Torn hamstring tendon.  The Mets are saying he can still come back next week.  The Mets are not lying at all.  Reyes will be back next week.  (<– Grey being unrealistically optimistic because he just traded Dunn for him in one league.)  If Tim Roth reads Razzball, he could’ve told you I just lied.  This is bad news.  All of his value is in his legs.  A torn hamstring tendon?  Honestly, I’m praying he’s back right after the All-Star Break.  That’s my most realistic prediction.

J.J. Putz – For those holding out hope, Putz is headed to the Disgraceful List.  Stop pulling your pud and release the Putz.

Andrew McCutchen – He batted leadoff and went 2-for-4, 3 Runs, 1 RBI, 1 steal and 1 incredibly difficult last name to spell.  We might need Razzball Nation to come up with a decent nickname for him.

Miguel Cabrera – Hamstring injury forced him out of the game.  Maybe he can get Miguel Olivo to rub it down with some hot oil. (<– It’s a hunch!)

Jeff Larish – Will see time if Miggy’s down for any amount of time.  I’m assuming Leyland will bat Larish cleanup, because he locked the lineup card on Opening Day.

Nelson Cruz – Hit his 16th homer yesterday.   But he’s just about at .300, that’s when the patented Cruz Stall takes over and he ends up back at .265 by June 20th.

Josh Hamilton – Looks like he’s headed for surgery, but will seek a 2nd opinion.  Yesterday, he said it hurts when he’s “…turning over in bed. Or coughing. Or sneezing.” There’s no turning over in bed, coughing or sneezing in baseball!

Ricky Nolasco – The guy that made you cry is coming back.  There’s talk he will take Anibal Sanchez’s spot in the rotation on Sunday as Sanchez hits the DL.

Garrett Atkins – 2 HRs yesterday and now with 5.  Now he’s one off the Subaru pace car that Teahen’s driving.

B.J. Upton – Hit a two-run homer.  I didn’t see it, but my money’s on the scorer giving one of Zobrist’s bombs to Upton.

J.P Howell – Faced two righties as he got the save yesterday.  Maddon may figure if it ain’t broke don’t fix it and go with Howell as the closer.  Howell has a 2.28 ERA on the year, so it’s not broke.

Scott Baker – 7 IP, 2 ER, 10 Ks.  See what happens when there’s no one on when you give up homers?

Jason Kubel – 2 HRs yesterday as he doubled his entire of month of May’s homer total.  He’ll get to 22 homers this year, but it would be slow and tedious like watching The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.

Shane Victorino – The Flying Hawaiian’s takeoff has been delayed for a day with a sore hip.  The Phils hope to have liftoff tomorrow.

Kyle Lohse – Headed to the DL.  Tough break for leagues that only use pitchers whose last names are Lohse.

Jason Bartlett – Supposed to come back next Wednesday.  If anyone dropped him when he went down, then stash him.

Alex Rios – 0-for-5 with 5 Ks.  Rios refuses to let people get too excited about him.  I don’t know, maybe it’s a fear of failure.

Adam Lind – 5-for-5, or the inverse of Rios.  This 5-for-5 game comes on the heels of a week when he raised his average from .283 to .313.  He’s a whole lot more interesting to me than Kubel, even if their numbers may end up being about the same come October.

Kevin Youkilis – Left the game with a tight right calf.  Yesterday it was an ankle injury.  He’s the Greek God of Limps.

Brett Anderson – 7 IP, 0 ER.  Sorry, Brett, I’m still not picking you up in any league.  Speaking of Bretts, there’s this guy where my girlfriend works named Brett who missed two days of work because he cut his gums on a tortilla chip and needed three stitches.  Not even joking.   I think my girlfriend works with Chipper Jones.

Chien-Ming Wang – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  Picking up right where he left off…

Dontrelle Willis – Threw a no-hitter…and still gave up 5 runs.  According to Elias Sports Bureau, this was the worst no-hitter since 2003 when Sidney Ponson blanked the Phillies for one batter then gave up 8 runs.  Actually, they didn’t say that.  Though overheard this week at the Elias Sports Bureau compound, “Jim, from Accounting, paged himself to the front desk three times in one day for a new record.  The third time he got to the front desk, he was fired.”

Randy Johnson – Hey, boys and 2 girls, it’s personal ancedote time!  Rudy and I were in Vegas for New Year’s Eve about seven years ago.  So we’re discussing keepers, not fantasy baseball ones, but this girl I was dating.  She was NOT a keeper.  Between our third and fourth Red Bull and Vodkas, I head off to the bathroom.  I have the bladder of an 8th grader.  (No, I wasn’t a donor recipient.  I’m saying, I pee frequently.)  So I’m at the urinal and guess who walks up to the urinal next to me?  Randy Johnson.  Stoked, I blurt out, “Hey, it’s the Big Unit!”  Probably wrong place, wrong time.

Matt Wieters was finally called up by the Orioles.  We know what you’re all thinking – how could they give up on Gregg Zaun so quickly?  Don’t the Orioles brass have the intestinal fortitude to withstand the hype surrounding this ‘phenom’ when they’ve got the ultimate journeyman?  Evidently not.  So how has Wieters been spending his near two months in AAA detention?  He’s been awesome…ly average.  .285 average.  5 HRs.  30 Ks in 137 ABs.  There’s little doubt that Wieters will be an excellent hitter for years to come (see his .350+ average b/w A and AA last year) but those AAA numbers are more likely what you’ll get from him in 2009.  Think .285 with 12 HRs.  He could prove us wrong and you can do worse than bet on hitting upside at Catcher.  Just don’t overpay for it.  Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jason Bartlett – Another day, another injury to a Rays middle infielder.  Yesterday, it was Iwamura.  Now Bartlett goes on the DL with a sprained ankle that he hurt while practicing his dismount from the statistical stratosphere (.373 AVG!).  Reid Brignac, who has been hyped for a while, will replace him.

Jose Reyes - Has there ever been a top 5 pick whose owners were relieved when they went on the DL?  Enter Reyes.  What’s the use of Reyes if he has a bum leg (strained calf)?  Let him get healthy so he can steal some damn bases.

Fernando Martinez – Was called up yesterday.  Fernando Martinez is going to be a great one and he should be pursued in keeper leagues.  But let’s turn over the post to frequent commenter, Mr. Baseball, for a second.  He listed these names:  Travis Snider, Cameron Maybin, Dexter Fowler, Matt LaPorta, Elvis Andrus and Matt Gamel.  His point is fairly obvious.  Rookie nookie starts out like a frollicking gazelle and ends like a dead gazelle.  Martinez will hit one homer, slap some fans’ hands, and get sent down when the Church of Concussed Heads returns.  He’s a decent flier, because you never know what he may do for a week or two, but don’t drop anyone too worthwhile.

David Wright – Has three homers, but stole his 11th base yesterday.  Sympathy gains for Reyes?

Carlos Quentin – Now saying he’ll hopefully be back next Monday.  Awesome!  Maybe next week he can get in one at-bat and then miss another two weeks.  Could someone conference call Quentin with Chipper to explain the merits of the DL?

Max Scherzer – 7 IP.  Second straight 10 K game.  Just as encouraging, he’s thrown only 2 BBs in those games.  Owners enjoy the ride and keep your fingers crossed he stays healthy.

Melky Cabrera – Left the game with a sore shoulder after crashing into the outfield wall.  In a home game, Melky’s jersey would’ve caught the jetstream and he’d be somewhere in the South Bronx right now.

Coco Crisp – Left game with a sore shoulder too.  First you have Melky, now you have cereal.  Melky… Cereal, baby.  Melky… Cereal, baby.  What, you don’t listen to LL?

Brett Gardner – In place of Melky, 3 steals.  He ain’t taking no jive from no Western Union messenger!

Ryan Braun – Took a pitch from Adam Wainwright off his wrist.  Looks like he’ll be day-to-day.  Wainwright laughs manically and says, “You can call me, Painwrist.”  The Brewers tried to retaliate on Albert Pujols and he lined a double with his bicep.

Hanley Ramirez – Came out of the game with a tweaked groin.  Hanley was feeling a little less *pinkie to mouth* manly.

David Ortiz – Dropped to 6th in the order.  Solace for Ortiz owners who have seen the chances of an 0-for-5 decrease slightly.

Joey Votto - Welcome to our brand new game… Is he hitting a home run or is he dizzy?

Roy Oswalt – 6 IP, 4 ER and only has three decisions on the year to bring his record to 1-2.  Member those days when he’d win 20 games every year with crazy Win Karma?  Yeah, someone else might too, trade him to that person.

Edwin Jackson – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER.  I told you to pick him up after his first start of the year.  Cust kayin’.

Mark DeRosa – HR yesterday, 8 on the year.  .260/22 HRs.  What are DeRosa’s final numbers, Alex?

Zach Greinke – 9 IP, 1 ER, 8 Ks.  We get it.  We’ve changed Greinke’d to Pwnson’d in the glossary.

Joe Blanton – 11 Ks?  Let me guess, the Marlins?

Livan Hernandez – Complete game win?  Let me guess, the Nationals?

Brad Lidge – Got his 9th save in a sticky situation.  Lidge is going to be given every opportunity to succeed, which means he may fail.  But he’ll have the chances.

Shane Victorino – 4-for-5, he’s actually been a bit light on the steals this year, but who doesn’t love The Flying Hawaiian?  Not me, friend.

Nolan Reimold – Now has 3 HRs in 46 ABs.  Could be this month’s Travis Snider.

Gary Sheffield – Hit his 5th homer.  I think he’s way too stubborn to play and not play well, but I also think he’s too old and broken down to stay healthy.  Doesn’t hurt to take a flier, just don’t drop anyone too valuable.

Jayson Nix – 2 HRs yesterday.  Whatever, can’t supplant Alexei now, sucka!

Nomar Garciaparra – Out again with a strained something-or-other.  Someone picked him up in one of my ‘pert leagues and I swear to you, I laughed out loud.

Jesus Guzman – Optioned back to beautiful, bustling Fresno.  This came just days after Bochy said he’d start over some schmohawk.  Ah, fantasy baseball… When your loved ones don’t stress you out enough.

Ian Snell – Threw a complete game!  Then again, it was rained out after 5 innings and he gave up 5 runs.

Troy Glaus – May not return this year.  No kidding?

Nick Blackburn – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 Ks.  Usually no Ks, no WHIP, no thank you.

Mark Reynolds – Hit his 13th homer.  Where ya at, Chris Davis?  At 12, after yesterday’s 2 homer game.  And at 61 and 67 Ks, respectively.  This race is way too close to call.

Chad Qualls – Sat in favor of Juan Gutierrez in a clear save situation after giving up runs in 3 of his last 4 outings.  We’re not reading into it, but in a way we are.  Read into that!

Andrew Bailey – Got the save about three weeks (estimate) after he was called the closer.   I’d own him, but it would sure be nice to see him again before the summer solstice. (No idea when this is, but it makes me sound smart when I say it.  Though not as smart when I point out I don’t know when it is.)

Bobby Jenks – Out with the flu as Linebrink got the save.  Can’t Matt Thornton blow his snot rockets at Bartolo Colon?

Bobby Abreu – Hit his 1st HR of the year.  Guess he shouldn’t have participated in that Winter League Home Run Derby.

Ohmigod, Grey’s totally going against Rudy’s risky pitcher post?  They are so fighting.  I hope Rudy rips off Grey’s stache.  $5 says it’s not real. Uh-hum.  I can hear you, random italicized voice.  I’m actually typing you!  My bad. So, yes, Jon Lester is a risky pitcher.  But at this point, he’s also a buy.  His ERA’s 6.31.  That’s ridunkiculous from where it should be.  He’s pitching well (minus some ill-timed long balls), tremendous K-rate, solid walk rate.  A pitcher who is pitching well and has a 6.31 ERA is such a crazy buy, that I wouldn’t be surprised if his owners weren’t even selling.  But, on the other hand, they’re smarting from his earned runs.  They may see LaTroy Hawkins or Jason Bartlett and be like, “Hey, Lester’s killing me, why not take a guy that at least has been good?”  That’s why you prey on those suckas.  This is why you have brass balls and you just chucked one at your mean lady neighbor who keeps bugging you when you turn the Dropkick Murphys to eleven and put it on repeat.  I’m a sailor peg!!!  And I lost my leg!!!  I love that song.  Wait, what was I saying?  Oh, yeah.  Lester — get him, within reason.  Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy and Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Justin Duchscherer – If he’s on waivers and you can stash him on your DL, stash away.

Koji Uehara – I mentioned his delicious tacos and WHIP the other day then afterwards I think I heard a pin drop.  What, no love for Koji?  1.12 WHIP and 32/7 K/BB in 42 and two-thirds innings.  Get on the taco truck!

Nolan Reimold – “Weiters, you gotta see the meals they give you!  And the towels… They’re not hard from dried glue!  Oh, and I saw the guy that played Bunk in the stands.  Markakis is gonna take me to Dick’s Last Resort tonight.   Oh, it’s all so wonderful.  I’ll try to write again soon.”  Reimold has about 20 homers and a .280 if he were to play every day for the rest of the year.  I think he falls about 8 homers short of those projections.  If he gets hot, you might be able to flip him.

Chris Coghlan – Has the best opportunity to impress because the Marlins will give anyone a fair shot.  Shoot, they’re still waiting on Hermida!  Coghlan can give you middle infielder numbers at 3rd.  15/15 might be his ceiling for this year.

Gerardo Parra – Rookie Nookie is alive and well.  Hinch says Parra will see time.  Might be because he wants to put his stamp on the team.  Who’s Hinch?  Not important.  Parra can run.

Mat Gamel – The end all be all.  The big mah-hoff.  The head cheese.  The one guy I would’ve benched for a month in a keeper league.  But he has no playing time.  It may be too early for him.  But in deep leagues if you’re sitting on a random schmohawk middle reliever, and Gamel’s available, it’s worth the two week gamble to sit him on your bench and see what he does.  Don’t drop the Queen for the Rook, but you can drop a Pawn.

Ricky Nolasco – Another risky pitcher.  He’s either hurt or he’ll be much better.  Again, I’m not saying drop Cueto to grab him.  But Nolasco’s owners are definitely fed up with him, so it would pay to buy him very cheaply now and hope for a correction.

Rich Hill – Could be on his way back.  Honestly, I’m not picking him up in any league.  I’d pick up three Randy Wolfs and five Gaudins (Hey, I’m an art collector!) before I picked up one Rich Hill.  He’ll have tough match-ups, his meltdowns are legendary, I’m just not that brave.  I can understand it in deep leagues, just won’t be me.

Ian Stewart – With Alex Gordon on the DL, someone’s gotta be my crush.

Jerry Hairston Jr. – He’s hot right now.  Not sure if it’ll last, but it doesn’t hurt to take a two week flier on a middle infielder.

Emmanuel Burriss – George Papadapolis owns him.  Why won’t you?

Ryan Madson – Lidge has been a mess.  Something’s up.  Ain’t his value.

Juan Cruz – Shouldn’t be on waivers in any league that counts saves.  Soria has shoulder trouble.  ‘Nuff said.  Or enough, if you’re a completist.

David Aardsma – Will be getting saves by next Monday.  May get them for the next month.

SELL

Joakim Soria – Don’t trade him (or drop him) right now.  But at the first sign of good news or when he returns, I’d explore trade offers for him.  When a team checks to see if there’s structural damage on your closer’s shoulder, it’s not good news no matter the results.

Any Schmohawk The Nats Put In the 9th Inning Role – I’m one of the biggest save vultures you’ll ever meet.  I own Dan Wheeler for crimey sakes!  Still, I’m not going near this one.  Kip smells, Hanaratty, Bye-mel… None of them.

Brian Roberts – He has 5 steals and 3 times caught.  He’s 31 years-old.  Maybe he lost that extra step that makes all the difference.  If you’re banking on 40 steals, you might want to look at trading Roberts and picking up Burriss.

Jason Bartlett – Let’s see, he’s batting .369.  He’s a .285 hitter.  He has 5 homers, that’s tied for his career high.  He has 9 steals.  Maybe he gets to 30.  So you’re looking at a guy who’s bumping his head on his ceiling and you wanna get on his back? Not unless you wanna fall for the old banana in the tailpipe.