Fantasy Baseball Advice

Derrek Lee went 2-for-4 with 3 RBIs and two homers as he continues to get medieval on pitching, which isn’t an old crack, though it could be.  I appreciate the Pirates trying to make moves at the trading deadline, but their moves were kinda of the “We’re gonna make moves so it seems like we’re doing something, but we’re just gonna grab guys like Ludwick” variety.  No one really thinks Ludwick and Lee were the vital pieces, right?  As for the Indians, I thought they’d go the Ludwick-type trade route too, but they actually made much stronger moves.  No, this doesn’t have much to do with fantasy, but we do still actually watch baseball, right?  It’s not just a game played between the fantasy lines on your computer screen, is it?  Now to begin the slideshow — sorry, thought I was writing that crizzap for Bleacher Report.  What a POS content farm.  Seriously, if I ever see Bleacher Report hanging out with eHow one night after a few daiquiris, it could get ugly.  Wow, that was a huge aside. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Rubby de la Rosa – To the DL with a sprained ulnar collateral ligament.  Oh no, collateral damage!  Yeah, that’s not good.  Overall, it’s been a bad year to be a de la Rosa.  Wilkin, you better watch your back.  Or Dane de la Rosa.  Or Ruben de la Rosa.  Or Rafael, Carlos, Alexis, Maikel and Yunior de la Rosa, to name only the first nine I found at baseball-reference.  Quite the de la Rosa renaissance.  I’m beginning to think that scouts in Latin America are getting paid off by matriarch, Esmeralda de la Rosa.  “Have you seen my boy, Tomas de la Rosa?  No?  Okay, first you have dessert then we go see him.”

Asdrubal Cabrera – 3-for-5 with 2 homers.  A’la Cher from Clueless, “AS-drubal!”  Speaking of surnames, it’s quite a battle for the most productive Cabrera between Miggy, Asdrubal and Melky.  If you took the 5 million to 1 Vegas odds for Melky being the best Cabrera this year, you’re a lot closer than anyone could’ve thought in March.

Barry Zito – Back to the DL.  I.e., baked Zito.

Freddy Sanchez – Undergoing season-ending season to repair his labrum.  You can only lose your virginity once, Freddy.  Sorry…

Jonathan Sanchez – Filthy Sanchez is set to start on Friday vs. the Phils.  If he can work around Phil Jackson, Donahue and Spector, he should be safe to start.  I’d grab Filthy if someone dropped him while he was rehabbing for what felt like four months.  He’s always good for those delicious Ks (and tying his owners to the WHIPping post).

Matt Cain – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I liked him better when he was outperforming his FIP.  That’s what she said!  No, she probably didn’t because only three nerdheads in The Missouri Bootheel even know what FIP is and they don’t talk to girls.

Cory Luebke – 7 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  He should’ve chewed up the Dodgers and spit out a 7 IP, 3 ER start.  This is coming after a most unimpressive 6 IP, 4 ER.  But — and unless you’re an alien there’s also a but — his WHIP is below one still.  You have to remain patient for at least one more start.

Jesus Guzman – 6 for his last 11.  Kyle Blanks — hype!  Anthony Rizzo — hype!  Yet, Jesus is the only one doing work (though not carpentry).

Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-4 with a single.  Now you must be happy you stashed him in June.

Trevor Cahill – 4 IP, 7 ER.  When pitchers I don’t like perform badly, it actually doesn’t make me the least bit happy.  Of course, I’m joking.  Schadenfreude!

Coco Crisp – 2-for-4 with, like, his 12th steal in the past three days.  I’m only sorta joking.  He has 6 steals in 3 days.  Now I’m being cerealious.

Shin-Soo Choo – Will take BP this week.  Where is he taking them?  To the Gulf to see what they did… Oh, batting practice!  Gotcha.

Bud Norris – Left yesterday’s start with a blister on his finger.  It’s something to watch.  Not literally, unless you’re in the same room as him.  And, even if you are, it’s impolite to stare.

Mark Melancon – 2 IP lowering his ERA to 2.98 and the win because the Astros don’t need that albatross Hunter Pence!

Matt Holliday – 2-for-3 with a homer.  I’ve been so busy underreporting Lance Berkman and Justin Verlander that I think I actually have underreported Matt Holliday.  He hit his 15th homer yesterday to go along with his zero steals.  Who are you, Andre Ethier?  That’s a whole lot of name value right now and not so much fantasy.

Jhoulys Chacin – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Sonavabench!  Sure, can’t throw a good start for weeks then you get murderer’s row plus Pence and hold them to one run.  Of course you do.

Clay Buchholz – Shut it down, ‘holz.  He’s about to.  Sounds like Buchhurtz is done for the year.

Jason Kipnis – 3-for-5 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  You, “Grey, Schumaker or Kipnis?” What I read, “Hmm… Should you pick up the old guy who’s hitting or the young guy with all the upside that’s hitting?”  I tell you Kipnis.  You, “Thanks!” What I read, “Nice ‘stache.”

Lucas Duda – 1-for-4 with a homer.  Duda’s done doodie since I put him in Friday’s Buy, but this could be the start of something.

Omar Infante – 3-for-5, Bonifacio must’ve passed the conch shell to his teammate because Infante has now hit in nine of ten games and is hitting near .375 in that span.

Mike Stanton – 2-for-5 with the grand slam off Izzy.  Anyone who hasn’t seen Stanton hit a ball, they should watch it some time.  He looks like the superhero, Blok.

Javier Vazquez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  I’m pretty sure Vazquez and Liriano are conspiring against me like they’re Sean Penn in The Game.

Josh Johnson – Will resume throwing on Tuesday because he was shutdown last week and that’s what pitchers who like getting repeatedly hurt do.  They throw after they’re shutdown.  This should end well.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs. Hit a broken bat homer yesterday, which would be impressive for most, but his bat is an extra 18 letters long.

Desmond Jennings was called up. “No, he wasn’t.” “Yes, he was.” “No.” “Yes!” “Yes!” “No– Wait, I was the one saying yes.” Or so went us, me, you, we for the last two months. Why do we care so much? Because we have a void in our own lives? Oh, you meant it more why do we care about Jennings so much, gotcha. He’s the number one prospect in baseball for fantasy, according to Grey Albright, Fantasy Master Lothario. There’s guys that can hit with more power. There’s pitchers that have great stuff, but speed translates easiest to the majors and Jennings gets a lot of his value from his legs. Also, he’s had a great OBP through the minors, so getting on base shouldn’t be an issue. Then you throw in his teen homer power and you’re looking at a guy that could be B.J. Upton without the phantasmagorically bad average.  Call the engraver, we need a plaque for Cooperstown!  As with all rookies — or rooks if you have a short attention span — there’s the chance he falls flat on his face or steps on a rake and isn’t good until next year. Wasn’t like he set the world on fire last September when he was used off the bench (.190 average, 0 homers in 21 ABs with 2 steals). For his huge upside, you should take a flyer on him in every league. Yeah, even yours. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

B.J. Upton – As the Rays started the Jennings’ arbitration clock, they also started the Upton nice-knowing-you clock.

Alex Cobb – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks.  The Tampa Bay Peach was much better in the minor leagues this year than he’s been in the majors, and he hasn’t been too bad in the majors.  Decent flyer in deeper leagues, but he’s not guaranteed anything.  Like all of us.  Geez, that’s dark.

Zack Cozart – Just when I drop my other shortstops, deciding to roll with Cozart, he goes and gets hurt.  I know, here’s the world’s smallest violin.  Here’s you putting the world’s smallest violin on eBay and when someone meets the opening bid of one cent, they’ll play it for me.

Mike Carp – Hit two homers this weekend while maintaining his tilde .250.  BTW, someone who raises you but isn’t your mother?  Matilde.  You’re welcome, English language.  I’m making you better.

Adrian Beltre – To the DL with hammy issues.  Know who else had hammy issues?  Kermit the Frog.

Chris Davis – Called up to replace Beltre.  Someone change Bill James’s sheets!

Josh Collmenter – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Through 92 innings, has a 0.93 WHIP.  That’s good.  More impressively, he’s only walked one batter in his last 21 innings.

Chase Headley – I refused to own him this year…Actually, besides Bartlett, I’ve abstained from Padre hitters.  And Bartlett just for speed.  So I wasn’t exactly following Headley’s season.  Any the hoo!  He has 3 homers on the year!!!  (Extra exclamation marks provided by my 14-year-old niece.)   And he has only two homers since April 2nd.  Your deity of choice, that’s terrible.

Phil Hughes – He was in Friday’s Buy column then he went out and served you lunch in a Port-A-John.  Totally 20/20 hindsight here, but would I start him every time out?  Nope.  Do I still think he should be owned in most leagues?  Yup.  Should he be owned in your league?  Mupe.  That’s colloquial for maybe.

J.P. Arencibia – Hit three homers this weekend to bring his season total to 15.  The funny thing — and by ‘funny’ I mean not funny at all — people ask me if I like so-and-so catcher better than so-and-so catcher, and in my head I’m like, “It’s a catcher.  Just put him in your slot and stop picking the scab.”  Unless we’re talking about the difference in McCann and Chris Iannetta, there’s very little separating most catchers.  Yet, this seems impossible to get through to people.

Eric Chavez – As the trading deadline approaches, Eric Chavez is the one player that no teams are interested in.

Gio Gonzalez – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER in The House They Built Next To The House Ruth Built.  You’re basically drinking jungle juice straight from a bathtub if you started him here.

Hideki Matsui – 5-for-5.  I almost included him in hitters that had a big 2nd half last year, but I didn’t think it was possible for a repeat.  I figured he was too old, too tired and too effin’ blind from his huge porn collection.  He’s now hitting over .400 in the last week with 2 homers.  He also dedicated this big game to his anime-inspired wife.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs as he stays hot.  He’s now hit in almost as many consecutive games as there are syllables in his name.

Dustin Pedroia – Sawx scored 12 runs and Dusty went 1-for-5 with a run.  Ticker tease!

Tim Stauffer – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER in Citizens Flank.  See Gonzalez, Gio or 2 inches above.

Mike Trout – Not to be shown up by Carp, Trout went deep for the first time in his career.  Somewhere, Kevin Bass is smiling.  Trout’s also hitting .179, so there’s that.

Marlon Byrd – 4-for-5 yesterday and 2-for-3 with a home run on Saturday.  Member in the preseason when you drafted Byrd as your 5th outfielder?  Yeah, he could still do that.

Carlos Lee – 4-for-8 over the last two days with a homer.  First Byrd, now Carlos Lee — it’s like I found this roundup in a time capsule.

Adam Jones – Yesterday, a slam and legs to go with 2 homers over the weekend.  Next year, he’s gonna be 26 years old.  Giddy up.

Mike Stanton – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer this weekend.  He’s younger than the youngest Culkin brother.  Yup.

Emilio Bonifacio – Hitting streak at 23 games.  Imagine he broke Joe Dimaggio’s hit streak?  Baseball historians, sporting tweed jackets, would be jumping out of windows all over our fine nation.

Gaby Sanchez – Hit three homers over the weekend.  He (she?) is having one of those borderline seasons.  In NL-Only leagues, you’re more than happy.  In mixed leagues, you’re kinda meh.

David Wright – 3-for-4 with his first home run since he returned on Friday.  Don’t want to jinx him by saying he looks like he hasn’t missed a beat, and not totally sure if it’s a jinx just by saying I don’t want to jinx him.

Bobby Parnell – 1 IP, 2 ER.  When you don’t have the closing job, but you’re trying to get it, it’s not the best move to blow a game.  Maybe he should switch to Bob or Robert to try and instill some confidence.  Bobby’s a child; this is a man’s game!

Antonio Bastardo – Got the save yesterday.  Manuel just got on the phone with the bullpen and said he didn’t care which bastard came in and Antonio warmed up.  Madson had also saved the previous two games.

Chase Utley – Hit 2 homers on Saturday.  I hope it’s the start of something magical that would make his pomade-fueled hair proud, but sadly I think his best days are behind him.

Colby Rasmus – 2-for-4 with a home run.  In an odd turn of events, Rasmus started.  And for the Cardinals.  Geiger, let’s go!

Francisco Liriano – 2 1/3 IP, 4 ER.  If someone asks if they should still own this schmohawk, they should just put their password in the comments and I’ll drop him for you.

Justin Upton – 9 for his last 11 with 9 RBIs and 2 homers.  Still enough season left for him to make his case for being a top five draft pick next year.  Go ahead scoff, you scoffer.  But if he gets to 30/20 with a .290 average, at the age of 24 you’re going to doubt him?

Brett Cecil – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I’m warning you now, I’m gonna like him a lot going into next year.  You know, I like high-K, sexy pitchers that are totally inconsistent.  These guys are the insane, hot girls that you wanna date but you really shouldn’t.  Your friend, “You should break up with her.”  “We all have our quirks…”  Your friend, “She just set your car on fire.”  “But she has great breasts!”

Adam Dunn – Went 3-for-16 (.188) this week to raise his average to .160.  My man’s on fire!

Justin Masterson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  I continue to watch every start of his with my hands in front of my eyes.  Somehow, his ERA is 2.57.

Michael Pineda – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER as the Mariners losing streak hits 15 games.  That’s an impressive skid mark.

The Giants brought Brandon Belt back up from the minors where he was batting .293 with 3 homers in 12 games in July.  Last time he was recalled it was the Giants doing their best fill-a-Buster and Belt was a bench bat.  The time before that he was promoted and forgot his game back in Fresno.  “A box of sparklers, a Groupon to the Macaroni Grill, Brandon Belt’s game.”  That’s someone going through a lost and found in Fresno.  So those two negatives led to two (stutterer!) positives.  Bochy started Belt at first and he homered.  I’d look at Belt in all leagues for his sweet, sweet upside, but don’t drop anyone too good or it could end up smacking you upside your head.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before we get into today’s roundup, wanted to mention that the fantasy football leagues are signing up over at our sister site, and I’m using the word sister like in Oz.  You click that linkie-ma-who and it’ll take you there.  It’s magic!  Anyway II, here’s the roundup:

Jeff Keppinger – Of course, Sabean acquired Keppinger.  Rogers Hornsby was unavailable.  Keppinger is a defensive upgrade on the usual flat-footed vet Sabean brings over like Burrell, who plays the mannequin defense.  Most times the defense alignment means moving guys in and out, right and left.  The mannequin defense requires them deciding if they want to play their fielders with their gloves in the air for a fly ball or on the ground because once the ball is hit there is no time for them to move their arms.

Jose Altuve – His last name is pronounced like Idon’tknowaltuve with the “Idon’tknow” being silent.  With Blanco Polanco headed to the Giants, Altuve is the odds on favorite for the starting 2nd base job.  As the Astros’ field general Mills said, “He’s my second baseman. We didn’t bring him here to sit him.  And please don’t call me General Mills.  And no my favorite player isn’t Coco Crisp.”  Someone sounds like Cap’n Grouchy.  Altuve was tearing up High-A and Double-A this year — .389 average and a 1.017 OPS.  Not bad for a guy who is 170 pounds soaking wet while carrying Juan Pierre.  He also has speed — 19 steals in 52 games in High-A, and 5 steals in Double-A.  If you’re wondering why I’m giving you his low minors stats, it’s because Ed Wade’s Toupee is promoting very raw prospects now.  Just how raw is he, you ask like you’re in the audience at The Match Game.  He’s 21 years old and has only played 34 games at Double-A.  I’d take a flyer on him in NL-Only and deeper mixed leagues to see if he can translate his speed and power to the majors.  Best case scenario — a few homers and twelve steals.  I’d pursue aggressively in keepers.

James McDonald – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Though he was the most interesting Pirate starter coming into the season, I’ve abandoned hope for him and wouldn’t go back just because of this start.  He was solid in 2010′s 2nd half, so I would watch him.  BTW, how about those Pirates?  Can’t wait for the Indians/Pirates Fall Classic.  Just when Rupert Murdoch thought things couldn’t get worse, Fox gets that series.  You know what the weather was in London yesterday for Murdoch’s Parliamentary hearings?  Hot and sticky with 100% humility.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – Now has homers in back-to-back games and mentions in back-to-back roundups.  Eff me if I have to keep spelling this guy’s name.

Derrek Lee – 1-for-4 with a home run.  Has now hit in 8 of his last 9 games with 3 homers.  He was also mentioned in last week’s post about 2nd half hitters.  Prescient isn’t just a word I can’t spell without Google!

Jim Johnson – Got the save yesterday because Gregg is serving a suspension.  If you’re thinking about going with Jim Johnson, don’t drink the Kool-Aid.

Joel Peralta – Got the save yesterday because the Rays closer worked the previous two days, for what it’s Farnsworth.

Jeremy Hellickson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, 3.17 ERA and 1.13 WHIP on the year.  Actually having a really solid year, too bad when it comes to young AL East pitchers I’m like Ludacris and too scurred.

Carlos Guillen – 2-for-3 with a home run.  Honestly, I thought he was retired.  Guillen is obviously Spanish for sneaky.  He tends to hit when he’s healthy.  Though that ‘when’ is the size of your grandmother’s gams.

Yovani Gallardo – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  He’s good, he’s bad, he’s good.  YoGa’s inconsistency can really stretch your patience.

Yuniesky Betancourt – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and 2 homers.  As I said in the preseason, “He’s not a good option in mixed leagues.  His 16 homers last year was taking the ceiling off his ceiling and making a new ceiling with duct tape.  In OBP leagues, he’s even worse.”  And that’s me quoting me!

Cameron Maybin – 2-for-4 with 2 steals.  That’s so Maybin!  With 5 homers and 16 steals, Maybin’s been like a poor man’s Shane Victorino.  It’s Feign Victorino.  The Padres just make me so unexcited to own one of their hitters.

Tim Stauffer – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  The Padres pitchers, on the other hand…  Chop me up and call me a Cobb salad!  Or some other expression of excitement that makes sense.

Alexi Ogando – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks as he continues to FIP off the Fangraphs Database.

Chris Perez – Blew yesterday’s game after giving up a run in the previous one.  He’s an embarrassment to mullets everywhere (and that’s saying a hell of a lot).  He’s not going to lose the job this quickly, but Pestano is a decent handcuff since the Indians are actually in contention.  The Indians fan, who’s been comatose since April, just woke up to see his Indians in first.  Comatose Indians Fan, “Wow, Grady Sizemore and Shin-Soo Choo must be having great years!”

Matt Garza – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks with his 2nd no decision in a row because of his bullpen.  Maybe next time when the bullpen wants to watch So You Think You Can Dance?, Garza won’t turn the station.

Sean Marshall – 2 IP, 3 ER.  Carlos Marmol, “See, it’s not so easy!”

Brett Cecil – 7 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. the Mariners.  Like the 70′s pinup that Brett Cecil sounds like he’s named after, he both blew and sucked yesterday.  Without looking it up, I think five runs is the most the M’s scored this year.  That gets me Gordon Ramsay mad.  This start was one pathetic scallop!

Michael Pineda – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  Since the All-Star selection and game, he’s given up 12 earned in 11 1/3 innings.  It’s the Curse of Atlee Hammaker.

Dexter Fowler – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and a steal.  Was oh for his last nine prior to that, so I’m not sure it’s the start of something, but it’s worth monitoring.

Dan Uggla – 2-for-4 with 2 homers.  Good to see his bats finally arrived after his offseason trade.

Brandon Beachy – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  It’s of little consolation, but you really shouldn’t have started him in Coors anyway.

Ike Davis – He said he might be done for 2011.  The Mets said he’s due back two months ago.

Jason Isringhausen – Looks like I was right about the Mets trying to raise Izzy’s trade value by making him the closer for now, after I was wrong about saying Parnell should be the closer.  I’d hold Parnell for at least the next week to see how things unfold.  Or in the Mets case, just fold.

Brandon Allen – In his two starts since he’s been called up, he’s hit two homers.  He’s also been benched 4 times.  Maybe if he fist pumps around first after every homer, Gibson will play him every day.

Aaron Heilman – The Diamondbacks released Heilman after he put up Byung-Hyun Kim in the World Series-like ERA of 6.88.  Guess they signed one too many Putzes this offseason.

Curtis Granderson hasn’t had a lead all season and you know what?  He deserves one, consarn it!  Yesterday, he went 2-for-4 with 2 steals.  If I was producing a 30 for 30 about my fantasy season, I’d just follow Granderson around with a camera.  “Sorry, Grey, no homers today, but how about two steals?”  “Oh, okay, Grandy,” as I look down in the mouth.  “Hey, tomorrow I’ll hit 2 homers!”  “Thanks, Grandy, you’re dandy!”  This year he has 25 homers, 17 steals, 83 runs, 68 RBIs, a .274 average and a killer smile.  Back in March, you would’ve took that from him for his overall season line and you would’ve liked it.  I do think this season is gonna be the peak for him, but hell with next year!  Let’s wrap his 2011 around us like a Snuggie (or the lesser known Slanket) and enjoy the ride.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

A.J. Burnett – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 14 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I didn’t see the game, but 14 baserunners in five and a third doesn’t even seem possible.  Were they playing Wiffle ball rules with ghost runners needing to be forced?

Josh Collmenter – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Has a 2.65 ERA on the year and pulls girls from every ethnic background.   I.e., he’s a rock star.  Now has 14 scoreless innings in the last two games vs. the Brewers.  Shlemiel, schcan’ttouchmyshizz, I’m Josh Collmenter.  I’d be worried about putting too much faith in J.C. — no offense — but you should own him at this point.

Ryan Roberts – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer in two games.  Totally one of those guys that people are gonna ask about next March as a sleeper pick and it’s gonna turn into a wasted pick.  But, for now, you could do worse.

Ryan Vogelsong – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, season ERA is at 2.02 and I can’t get a G-D clean game from Gallardo.  Throw me a frickin’ bone.

Stephen Strasburg – Threw 95 MPH in a simulated game.  Hey, this weekend I threw a simulated 150 in Wii bowling.

Koji Uehara – Will see saves for the next three days while Kevin Gregg serves a suspension.  If this were elementary school, Gregg and Ortiz would serve their suspensions in the same room while cleaning the erasers.

Adam Jones – 2-for-5 with his 3rd homer in the last 4 games.  He seems pretty underappreciated considering he’s pulling a Hunter Pence impersonation that could fool Henrietta Pence, that’s his mom.

Mark Reynolds – 0-for-4 as the Orioles scored 10 runs.  Ticker tease!

Ryan Zimmerman – 2-for-4 with his 5th homer.  Here he comes (God, I hope so)!  I just know it (no, I don’t)!

Mike Morse – 3-for-4 with his 16th homer.  About time he started dashing and dotting again.

Huston Street – Might get traded.  For who, Avenue of the Americas?  Lindstrom would be the handcuff.

Jordan Lyles – 8 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks and 113 pitches.  Not much to report here, but Ed Wade’s Toupee may want to chillax on throwing the youngster so deep into games.  I mean, isn’t Dr. James Andrews making enough money?

Mark Buehrle – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Solid, if yawnstipating 5th fantasy starter.  That is all.

Billy Butler – 2-for-4 with two WTFs (Warning Track Flies).  If you have a WTF category in your league, Butler is the WTF master.  If he moved forward in the batter’s box ten feet, he’d hit 30 homers.

Joe Mauer – 6-for-8 in the doubleheader.  He hit .373 in last year’s 2nd half and has raised his average nearly 50 points in the last 10 games.

Trevor Plouffe – 1-for-3 with his 5th home run, and he left the bowl streak-free.

Chris Perez – 1 IP, 1 ER.  The Indians rest him when there is a save opportunity in the afternoon game then bring him in for the pointless Kazaam!  Grr.

Josh Reddick – As a starter since June 18th, batting .340 with 4 homers.  But that’s only 13 starts in a month.  Guy at the Cask’n Flagon with a Jeter jersey is getting more play.

Clay Buchholz – On Monday, he threw from 120 feet.  Not sure why he’s pitching from 2nd base, but there ya go.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – Was 0-for-his last week before this game, but for those who like to play Russian roulette with their catcher, Saltymochachino hit a bomb yesterday.

Roy Halladay – 4 IP, 3 ER.  Left the game with heat exhaustion.  Hey, Ruiz, stop calling for the heater!

Carlos Pena – 3-for-3 with his 20th homer, after just getting done with a 1-for-15 stretch.  His hitting streaks are like riding a bicycle in San Francisco.  Holy crap, we’re really flying as we go downhill!  And now we’re going uphill and nowhere…  Watch out, now we’re downhill again!

Aramis Ramirez – 1-for-3 with his 17th homer.  Who said he’d slow up?  Oh, I did.  Well, I still think he will.  Unless he backed into a leftover Sosa needle.

Jason Heyward - Sat out yesterday after being hit on the foot Sunday.  As frequent commenter, zombie, said yesterday, “Should have know something was up when Glass Chipper demands that you grab a bat.  Definitely no relation to Ironhead Heyward.  Dude played with a brain tumor.  Foot contusion.  Seriously?!”

Clay Hensley – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Did you ever want to call him Hay Clensley?  Me too!  Last time he was a regular starter, he was a solid deep league option, but marginal in most mixed leagues.  And that was in Petco.  For a few starts, he’ll also be on a pitch count.

Leo Nunez – Got the save yesterday, but, whatever, this isn’t about that.  Everyone is saying Dunn would be the closer if Nunez is dealt, the only problem I have with that is Mujica is having a better year and consistently coming in games after Dunn.  Plus, Dunn’s a lefty.  Well, that’s the short of it, Peter Dinklage.

Alex Cobb – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. the Yankees.  Like the quarter of Harrison Ford that is Jewish, that’s not too shabby.  He gets the peasant Royals next time out.  That’s a decent gamble, no relation to Rudy or Oscar.

Casey Kotchman – 2-for-3 and now batting .337 with 4 homers on the year.  James Loney called, he wants his stats back.

Ezequiel Carrera – He said nine innings is for Quakers, and played 18 innings yesterday and stole 2 bases.  After all the success with Asdrubal, the Indians might just be promoting anyone with a funky first name.  Get ready, Azerbajan Ramirez!  Carrera had 35 steals in 81 games in Triple-A this year and now he’s the starting center fielder for the Cleveland Indians.  You know who has two thumbs and picked up this Amish SAGNOF’er?  This guy!

Grady Sizemore – To the DL with knee problems.  He said there’s a lot of concern about his knee.  You don’t say, Grady.  It’s only been bothering you for two years.  The FDA looked at his knees and said Grade-E.  Uh-uh, Grade F.  Suitable only for ‘meat’ filling at Taco Bell and 7-11 chili dogs.  Hmm, what is that taste?  Oh, that’s right.  The unfulfilled promise of multiple 30/30 seasons.

In just under two months at Triple-A (45 games), Brett Lawrie hit 12 homers and stole 10 bases.  To put that in context, Dave Winfield hitting against Queen Latifah in the 2003 All-Star Celebrity Softball Game never got past 2nd base, on the field.  The Blue Jays GM Alex Snuffaluffagus said, “I’m more excited about (Lawrie) today than I was in April when he was hitting .430.”  That makes two of us.  Once he’s called up, his 2nd base eligibility makes him instantly startable in just about any league.  If that doesn’t excite you, he’ll play 3rd base for Toronto.  “Wait, what about playing time?  Who’s playing 3rd base now in Toronto?”  That’s you talking to yourself while you lick your Dorito-stained fingers.  John McDonald, Jayson Nix and Edwin Encarnacion.  Don’t worry if you didn’t know that.  Sometimes John Farrell even has to call Jayne Nix, Jayson’s mom, before the game and ask to be reminded who his third baseman is.  Seems like the easy answer there is yes, Lawrie will play.  If he’s called up in the beginning of June, as I anticipate, I’d expect a 15/15 season.  That’s pretty terrific for a middle infidel in three-quarters of a season.  Now Lawrie’s on your radar, but is he on your team?  Snap!  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Brandon Belt – Just went over my Brandon Belt fantasy.  I wrote it while sitting in the Statue of Liberty’s torch thinking about our forefathers.

Anthony Rizzo – The best part about Rizzo is his power.  The worst part is he’ll be hitting in Petco.  The moderately good part is the Padres are fools if they don’t call him up and play him every day.  The moderately worst part is the Padres are fools.

Juan Miranda – Carmen’s son was hit by a pitch on Sunday and hasn’t played since.  Sounds like someone you want on your team immediately, huh?  Yeah, I seduce you with my lukewarm buys.  I know I do.  Now come here and scratch my back.  Lower.  Lower.  Wait, where were we?  Oh, yeah, Miranda.  The D-Backs released Branyan and are giving Miranda room to sink or swim.  He was swimming before he was hit by the pitch.  He should be back in the pool soon.

Ryan Ludwick – Sorry, having a hard time finding something nice to say, but he’s been hitting recently.

Josh Reddick – I just went over him this morning.  If you scroll with your right finger, your left will get jealous.

Nolan Reimold – I did used to love Reimold.  Thanks for asking, long time reader of Razzball.  Right now, I’m still smarting from how many times he’s burned me, but I’m willing to apply an ointment and try him one more time.

Mike Morse – Some of these waiver wire pick ups are, to misquote Wilco, “It’s a war on bore, it’s a war on bore, it’s a war on bore…”  I mean, Ludwick?  Really?  But not Morse.  He actually has the potential to break out and be a contributor for the rest of the season.  I’d grab him across all leagues.

Mike Moustakas – Big voice, “I’ll tell you what, those Royals are gonna be incredible!”  Small voice, “In, like, two years if everything breaks the right way.”

Tsuyoshi Nishioka – He’s due back in a week or two.  When he first signed in the states, here’s what I said, “(He) hit .346 last year and the first player in the Pacific League to get 200 hits since Ichiro.  He also hit 11 homers and stole 22 bases.  Before last year though, he hit .260 with 14 homers and 26 steals.  You’d take that at middle infield and like it.  Only problem is sometimes things get lost in translation.  Kaz Matsui hit .332 with 36 homers and 33 steals when he was a 26-year-old in Japan.  We all know how well he turned out in the States.  So will Nishioka be great in his first year or will he look like he’s fresh off the bloat?”  And that’s me quoting me!  Assuming his speed isn’t hurt by the injury, I’d stash him now.

Eric Young Jr. – The Rockies designated Jose Lopez for assignment.  That assignment was to stop sucking.  Good luck!  The Rockies matched that ‘making sense’ move with another I’m fond of.  The recall of Eric Young Jr.  I tried to grab him in every league, but 9 out of ten fantasy baseball ‘perts beat me to it and I only got him in one league.  I suggest you grab him everywhere, because at MI it’s kinda nice to have a guy that can steal 35 bases in three-quarters of the season.

Rubby de la Rosa – Could see some Dodger saves, and he sounds like a Venezuelan masseuse.  I say buy and you say how much!  Or you just say “No, I’m not in an NL-Only league or that desperate for saves.”

Jon Rauch/Octavio Dotel – SAGNOF!

Grant Balfour – Not only was he just terrific on Melrose Place, but he’s getting saves in Oakland.  It’s called SAGNOF and it sounds just as it’s spelled.

Jonathan Lucroy – He used to play for the Ragin Cajuns and he’s striking out at a high rate.  I will call him, The K’ing of Mardi Gras.   Also, he’s getting lucky with balls in play and he doesn’t have big power, but he is currently hitting, so there’s that.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – Has 4 homers in his last 6 starts.  Unfortunately, that’s over 11 days because Tito’s playing Jason Varitek like he’s on a farewell tour.  I’d call the tour, This Is Shit.

SELL

Asdrubal Cabrera – Said a’la Duffman, “Not.  The.  Drubal.”  Said a’la Cher from Clueless, “As…DRUBAL!”  I have much love for Asdrubal.  He’s so money that money borrows money from him.  But, I mean, c’mon.  He has 10 homers already and he’s the fifth best hitter for all of fantasy, according to ESPN’s Player Rater.  There’s no way he comes anywhere near this pace.  If he only got to 17 homers on the year, it wouldn’t surprise me.  I’m not saying sell him for a pair of Champion shorts that lost their drawstring, but I’d explore options.  His value will never be higher.

Josh Tomlin – Aw, man, no offense to the Indians, but Tomlin has a 4.53 K/9 and is leaving men on at a 85% rate.  Those numbers don’t jive with his ERA.

Kyle Lohse – Looking at his photo, don’t you picture a minituare Fred Astaire standing on his lips, leaning against his upside down, umbrella-shaped facial hair like in Singin’ In The Rain?  Okay, maybe it’s a mirage.  Kinda like his insanely low ERA.