Happy Bryce Harper Replacement Week! :::sobs into the couch cushion I have been carrying around since watching the video of Harper tumbling over that base:::

The cruel baseball gods took Harper away from us just after we got Trout back. As of this writing, there is no timetable for his return from what they are calling a “significant bone bruise.” I’m no doctor (sorry to peel back the curtain), but how the heck did that non-contact injury get a bone bruise diagnosis? I thought for sure he tore every CL in his body. I wouldn’t have been surprised to hear that he tore his UCL from reaching for his knee so fast. But a bone bruise? Interesting. Let’s just hope he wasn’t evaluated by the Mets’ training staff because “bone bruise” is going to very quickly become “Oh crap, his knee actually isn’t there anymore. We can’t find it anywhere.”

Now, there is no replacing Harper’s production on your fantasy team, especially in the middle of August. That much is obvious. If you’re lucky, you took Grey’s advice about selling a superstar to heart and cashed in at the deadline. I have Harper in a keeper league where I currently sit in first place, so I have to decide if I want to deal him now to make a playoff push, pray he comes back this season and helps me, or just accept the fact that he is done for the fantasy season but still keep him for next year. I am probably going with option B/C, if we’re being honest with each other here.

I’m removing him from our beloved 100 while we wait to see how he looks this week. Hopefully, the baseball gods decide to heal him from his mystery bruise quickly and we can have him back. But it seems more likely we are going to be without him for most, if not all, of the fantasy season. Now, enough crying about Harper (at least publicly). Anyway, to the notes…

The Razzball Commenter Leagues for Fantasy Football are now open! Take on your favorite writers and other readers of the site for a chance at prizes!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

First, a story.  There was a young boy named Donkey Dong Jr. who worked at the barrel station of Niagara Falls.  He would rent barrels to tourists who wanted to go over the waterfalls in a barrel that was deemed to flimsy to hold wine in Napa Valley.  Then, one day, Robert Juiced Manfred showed up at his barrel station with a truck filled with baseballs that he was bringing back over the border from Guatemala.  See, he drove north from Guatemala, and Waze had him detour through Canada and back into the U.S.–Nevertheless!  R.J. Manfred stopped for some pop, and Donkey Dong Jr. said, “You’ve come to the right place,” and grabbed a barrel with his hands, swung it as hard as he could and hit every baseball in that truck 5,000 feet right back to Guatemala.  For pop, Donkey Dong Jr. said, “I love to barrel up.”  Fin.  So, Joey Gallo was the lead buy in an April Buy column.  Don’t like to double up on guys in a year, but here we are because you people are slow as molasses dripping down Robert De Niro’s face in Awakenings.  Gallo has 50-homer power, and is currently in some kind of zone not seen since McGwire stopped sticking needles into pre-peach-tinted Sammy Sosa.  How is he not owned in 50% of leagues?  Don’t answer, grab him!   Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Valar morghulis. Who could predict that throwing over 150 innings every year since Felix Hernandez turned 18 would be dangerous? Oh, everyone? In pitcher years I’m pretty sure King Felix is 63 years old. Stash or Trash: Trash. He’s predicted to miss 3 or 4 weeks and I’d hate for you to stash Felix and miss your playoffs. This is the 3rd year in a row that Felix’s ERA has risen and it is now at the point where he should yield his “Mariners Ace” crown to the Kingslayer James Paxton. Fill In: German Marquez (44.7%.) It’s time for everyone’s favorite game show: “What Are This Colorado Pitcher’s Splits?!” Home: 4.31; Away: 3.86. Actually not that bad! Marquez has allowed more than 3 runs in only 4 of his 18 starts this season including his last 5 starts being quality starts.

Fantasy Football RCLs are here! Join one today to take on your favorite writers and other readers of Razzball for a chance at prizes!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

When it comes down to it at the end of the days, teals are steals and saves are saves.  Doesn’t matter how coyly they are obtained or if you are stealing from the waiver wire one day to only dump and chase the next.  The big wheel of accumulation keeps turning.  My near-the-end of the year strategy for closers is: I would rather chase on winning teams as the saves and chances are greater.  Steals… not so much, it is the exact opposite almost as the “look what I can do” type players come more from them, especially with September call-ups and such.  So to recap, saves for winners, stealing is for losers.  I sound like an after-school special starring Judith Light.  So now on to another loser, of the Philadelphia denomination… let us take a peek at the goodies that César Hernández is doing, and doing it fairly unnoticed.  He is owned in less then 40% of the four-letter word leagues and has been tuning up most opponents lately.  He is batting .379 with 10 runs scored and 6 steals in the last 15 games.  He also has a 12-game hitting streak and a poodle that can walk on it’s front paws.  Why do I bring attention to César ?  Because the middle infidel spot is always a good spot to find free-range steals.  It turned Merrifield into a household name and it’s the same place that Villar is still rostered in 70% of leagues.  I can’t ever explain everything, but I throw some deadly darts sometimes.  Have at this week’s SAGNOF do’s and doh’s…

Fantasy Soccer’s Premier League starts soon, get the lowdown at Razzball Soccer!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Yesterday, Jose Berrios went 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 11 Ks, bringing his two-game ERA to 0.59.  Hi ho the Berrios, snitches!  Here’s what I said previously on Jose Berrios (because this is instructive, and not out of laziness), “In Triple-A, Berrios threw 75 2/3 IP and had a 2.62 ERA with a 9.9 K/9 and a 1.7 BB/9.  That’s Sizzlean that you leave on top of your camel’s head as you gallop through the Sahara heat.  You don’t usually see that kind of sample size — that’s what she said! — in Triple-A.  You know why?  Most major league teams promote guys who are as good as Berrios.  Most teams also don’t tie a player’s paycheck to a string then drag said check right in front of the player’s feet, just out of their reach.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Here’s the kicker.  That was from two years ago!  I’ve loved this guy for a long time — that’s not what she said!  His first two games I’d describe as ‘a little difficult’ to pretty easy.  His next start at Baltimore will be the true test.  If you’re in a competitive league, you need to own him now before he goes out and throws a gem in Balty-more (they call it that, right?).  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Joey Gallo, Aaron Judge and Giancarlo walk into a bar.  The bar says, “Ow.”  There should be an All-Star Game weekend festivity where Gallo, Judge and Giancarlo hit home runs and people guess how far it went, but they guess in miles.  “I’m gonna say that went 4.5 miles.”  “Ooh, sorry, there’s no such number as ‘point.’  You don’t win a house.”  Gallo doesn’t hit mammoth shots.  Mammoth shots hit home runs and say, “That was a Gallo shot.”  Have you seen one of his homers?  Picture a ball sailing about 550 feet and screaming, “Holy crap, how am I getting back home?”  Home run balls he hits call Uber after Gallo hits ’em.  So, I’m obviously a fan, and Beltre doesn’t even have a return date yet.  This might be one of those situations where Beltre is gone for another month and, even when he returns, Gallo just moves to the outfield.  It’s slightly ridiculous he’s available in so many leagues, and I’d remedy that.  Immediatemente.  That’s immediately in Spanish.  I did take 13 years of Spanish, after all.  You’re gracias.  Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I’m picturing Clint Eastwood in Escape from Alcatraz, coiffing his hair (gorgeous hair) chipping away with his pickaxe.  I’m seeing Andy Dufresne also beautiful hair and a pickaxe.  Now that I think about it, you don’t need jail cells, just take away all prisoners’ blow dryers.  Any hoo!  Why am I seeing these great prison movies?  Because they are about breakouts.  Breakouts come in different shapes and sizes.  Some would say Cameron Diaz’s complexion is a breakout.  For a baseball breakout:  James Paxton.  Yesterday, Paxton went 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.39.  His K/9 and BB/9 are now 10.7 and 1.8, respectively.  That’s about as ace-like as you’re gonna find.  Okay, now for one small step back from the ledge of crazy excited.  In his last start, he did give up five earned in four innings and I don’t think he’s going to avoid all wonkiness, but there’s no one throwing as well as him right now.  Okay, maybe Kershaw and Ervin Santana.  Someone get these guys blow dryers.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

So here’s something ridiculous – I think the Oakland A’s are my least favorite team.  Scratch that, F THE CARDS!  Even if they do have the best fans in baseball…  A’s are my least favorite AL team.  And it’s nothing to do with particular players, trying to be “hipster” and not liking Monyeball (It’s a cool movie!  Love the music.), or residual ire due to the Warriors.  Ugh, NBA with only 2 or 3 competing teams every year – BORING!  It just seems like every year, their offense is lacking, yet they pound on pitchers when you least expect it.  Cough, James Paxton, cough.  It’s so annoying!  It all started when I owned CC Sabathia on some dynos back when he started with the Yankees, and it felt like every April or May the A’s would tag him for 7 or 8 runs every game.  Plus, ya know, I didn’t buy into Josh Donaldson and Khris Davis decided to be a consistent power hitter in a shittier park, but we’ll end this absolutely ludicrous rant here.

Due to the above, I don’t watch a ton of A’s, so I have yet to see Andrew Triggs pitch.  His scouting report is unimpressive: his fastball actually lost velocity to be a sub-90 MPH pitch, he gets groundballs which usually means Ks should be low, is 28 and a converted closer, and it just all feels like smoke and Black Mirrors.  He’s a robot!  But maybe that perception is a reaction to my A’s bias, especially since he went into yesterday with three straight scoreless start wins.  Well, he did allow 2 unearned runs in one of em and 1 in another – yet another reason I think it’s Black Mirrors.  So I decided to watch his start Sunday afternoon to finally get the book out on the guy, and here’s how he looked against the Mariners:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The Braves opened up their new park in style last night and Ender Inciarte began the charge going 2-for-4 with his third home run and two RBI. It’s a new year and new park and with that comes and new line of over-the-top ballpark food. Come for the cannolis, craft beer and 5 lb pork chop sandwich, stay for the Braves win. Speaking of winners, this was Ender’s Game and we were all just alien Buggers living in this crazy war-torn universe, preparing for the next Invasion against the Fleet. Just ignore that the book/movie is subliminally telling you to hate the gays and eat at Chic-fil-a. Inciarte must be a “Third.” Ender has the privilege of being the first player in SunTrust park history to collect a hit, score a run, and hit a home run. That’s right, folks, Inciarte is officially the greatest hitter in SunTrust Park history. In addition, he’s now homered in back-to-back games after hitting two bombs on Wednesday and Ender has been known to get hot quick. In 131 games last year, Ender hit .291 with 3 homers and 16 stolen bases. He’s already matched his 2016 homer total! That’s gotta be a good sign, right!? He’s available in about 40% of ESPN leagues, and if he’s still out there I’d grab him while the Braves are still undefeated at home. This might not last long. Come on Atlanta, let’s give him the chop!

Here what else I saw in fantasy baseball Friday night:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

[Editor’s Note]: Greetings, Razzers, it’s that guy Sky you all maybe kinda remember from that one post about that one guy from that one time. I’m telling ya, it was memorable! But even if not, I wanted to slide into your interwebs for a minute and let you know we’ve got a new bag this year with DFS as we’re working with FanDuel Wednesday thru Saturday, breaking down the slates on the daily with our usual mix of bad grammar and unbridled enthusiasm that you’ve come to love. I for one welcome our new DFS overlords…please come along with me and welcome them too!

Welcome everyone! The Collector here, breaking down this beautiful Wednesday slate on FanDuel for you! If you don’t play on FanDuel now is the time to sign up and play. I first want to say how happy I am baseball is back, I’ve only been waiting 6 months for this (you can only play so much dfs hockey/pga). I’m first going to break down exactly what I will be doing for you guys this season. I’ll be giving you guys gpp plays, and try to avoid chalk (though that’s not always possible). As a gpp player I think I can help those out who want to play gpps as well. You won’t be seeing me say “Play Colorado in Coors” (BORING) or “Play Kershaw against the Padres” (ok this may happen but I’ll try really hard not to go there).

Today we have a 12 game slate, biggest one to date. At first glance this seems like a solid slate with very little weather issues (besides in Cincinnati). Let me breakdown my chalk plays real quick at each position

SP J Degrom (9800) R hill (9600)

C G Sanchez (3400) B Posey (3300

1B P Goldschmidt (4300) either E Thames (2400) or T Joseph (2000)

2B R Odor (3500)

3B N Arenado (4100) M Machado (3900)

SS T Turner (3700)

OF M Trout (4800) B Harper (4600) M Betts (4500) A Eaton (3500) A Benintendi (3300) J Pederson (3100)

Now onto the picks…

New to FanDuel? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well be sure to read our content and subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays. Just remember to sign up through us before jumping into the fray. It’s how we know you care! ‘But I already have a FanDuel account’, you say? Well our FanDuel link ALSO shows you care by leading you to a daily $3 contest, letting them know that we let you know about it and them through us. It’s, like, totes radical!

Please, blog, may I have some more?