Fantasy Baseball Advice

Mark Trumbo is done for the year with a stress fracture in his foot.  What an inauspicious end to his rookie season, if I’m using the word inauspicious correctly, or even spelling it right.  Year line was 65/29/87/.254/9.  Trumbo’s OBP was tizzerrible at .291, but his minor league rates suggest he can grow into someone that can take a walk here and there.  He’ll never be a .400 OBP guy.  The power and the light speed is for real.  His most impressive number for this year?  539.  As in the number at-bats Scioscia gave him.  Sure, he was a bit hogtied with Kendrys adding an S for “sidelined.”  In 2012 when Kendrys returns (or is the verb singular there?), we’ll see if Scioscia learned his lesson that every player doesn’t need to be a variation of a light-hitting middle infielder.   I have my doubts.  There’s talk Trumbo could see action at third base next year, but he fields about as well as Dalton Trumbo avoided commie accusations.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy baseball:

Yovani Gallardo – Scratched from his last start so he’s ready for the postseason.  Um, I have fantasy championships on the line?  Hello, priorities.  On a real baseball note, I hope the Brewers go all the way in the playoffs.  That is who I’m rooting for.  Or is it whom?  Anyhoo!  (Anywhom?)  Not just because I want to see Selig’s toupee get all bent out of shape when he hands the World Series trophy to the owner that replaced him or because I picked them in the preseason.  I want the Sausage Race on a national stage.  The kielbasa has toiled in obscurity long enough.

Andrew McCutchen – After being hit in the groin during batting practice, he was scratched.  Hopefully by Mrs. Dread Pirate.

Kevin Youkilis – Sawx announced it’s doubtful that he plays in the O’s series.  According to the latest ESPN, The Magazine, Youkilis doesn’t need to play because Boston is the greatest sports city in the world and that gets them an automatic bye into the playoffs.  For every sport.

Josh Beckett – 6 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks.  ESPN, The Magazine said Beckett is the biggest of the biggest big game pitchers in the majors and when a game is on the line he gets it done better than anyone.  Unless said game is against one of the worst teams in the majors.

Jed Lowrie – 1-for-4 with a homer after going 2-for-3 in his previous start.  When he gets hot, he tends to get very hot, so might be worth looking at him for the last couple of games.

James Shields – 8 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  On a related note, Yahoo doesn’t count a playoff game, but ESPN does.  I’d start to grab any Rays and Red Sox players you can in case there’s a one game playoff.  Kelly Shoppach?  Yes.  Lowrie?  Yes.  Salty, Scutaro, Brignac, Kotchman, Joyce… Even grab middle relievers for a possible vulture win.  Everyone.  This obviously goes for the Cardinals and the Braves too.  Matt Diaz, Alex Gonzalez, Freese, Jon Jay, Molina, etc.  Grab them now before your leaguemates do.

Mat Latos – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Ends the year with a 3.47 ERA, 1.18 WHIP and 185 Ks.  Well, if this year was a step back, I’ll take it every day and twice on Muesday.

Doug Fister – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks.  This season Mr. Fister took my broken wings, and taught me to fly, live and love so free.

Rafael Furcal – Left the game with a tight hamstring.  Figures, had been almost a week since his last injury.

Matt Wieters – Hit his 21st homer.  Where’s his just desserts?  Is he getting them?  Did they reopen Matt Wieters Facts dot com?

Ubaldo Jimenez – 5 IP, 6 ER, 12 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Gotta be embarrassing for all the baby mommas in Colorado that named their kid Ubaldo during the first half of last year.  “Because you were, uh, bald.  Um, oh.”  That’s the moms explaining their child’s name to them when they turn 13.  You know, when they’re prepping for their bar mitzvah.

Randall Delgado – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners.  I love the Braves young pitchers.  That is all.

Alex Gonzalez – 1-for-3 as he returned to the lineup.  When he left, he was on fire with three homers in his last 6 games.

Angel Pagan – Done for the year.  There’s a conspiracy theory why his season is done that you can read about in Dan Brown’s latest novel, Angels & Pagans.  I believe the Illuminati is behind it.  BTW, if you Google Illuminati, you find Lady Gaga is a puppet for the Illuminati.  That made me laugh.  I think everyone should have one friend who is a conspiracy theorist.  Not a close friend, just someone you talk to once in a while.  The smarter the conspiracy theorist friend you have, the weirder the theories.  I recently talked to my friend who’s a conspiracy theorist and was told that Bin Laden is still alive, living in Virginia and working with the US government on the war with terror.  I wondered if Bin Laden likes Five Guys Burgers.  “This is delicious cow meat!”  That’s Bin Laden eating a burger in Washington, D.C.

Jarrod Dyson – 1-for-4 with a steal.  He should be starting for the final two games of the season and he has speed to burn, if that interests you.

Mike McCoy – 0-for-3 with 2 steals.  See what I said about Jarrod Dyson or 1/8th of an inch above.

Brian Wilson – Casilla got the save yesterday as Wilson was shut down for the year.  All beards in San Francisco will now be at half mast.

Kevin Slowey – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER and he was relieved by Hoey.  Dewey and Louie stayed in the bullpen.

Shaun Marcum – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER.  Left his September 4th start with a 3.11 ERA and will end the season with a 3.54 ERA.  Yeah, I could’ve done without the last three weeks of starts.

Jack McKeon – The 80-year-old is retiring.  When the Marlins wouldn’t make their entire schedule day games to accommodate Carrows’ early bird specials, McKeon had no choice.  This opens up room for Ozzie Guillen, who was released yesterday by the White Sox.  At one point, it was rumored that Ozzie was being traded for Logan Morrison.  They could’ve just traded Twitter accounts.  I imagine the first day Ozzie is in South Beach he’s going to walk around muttering to himself, wondering why there are so many Jay Mariotti’s.

On September 7th, Kyle Farnsworth entered a 4-3 game like he had so many times before.  No one knows how many times because no one’s bothered to look, or at least no one I’ve come across.  This September game was played during the day in Tampa with the temperature listed as:  Indoors.  When the mercury first hit Indoors, many of the fans knew this day was going to be different than all but four previous Rays games.  Farnsworth blew the save.  Then on September 10th, with the temperature once again “Indoors” — eerie! — Farnsworth once again blew a save, but instead of blaming his stuff, he blamed his elbow.  It was a little tender like a battered piece of the unidentifiable parts of the chicken.  With Farnsworth out nursing his elbow, Peralta should see the majority of the saves, but it could be a committee.  I imagine Farnsworth is gonna be out a week maybe two, but I’d wait for official word before dropping him.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Matt Moore – Rays are promoting their top pitching prospect.  In real baseball news, this is exciting.  In Double and Triple-A this year, he had a 1.92 ERA and 210 Ks in 155 innings.  That’s prettay, prettay good.  I’d like to see what kind of gas this guy is cooking with.  Eminem at a BBQ:  “Yo, Em, these burgers taste funny.”  Eminem, “I guess that’s why they call it propane.” In fantasy, Moore’s kinda whatever in redraft leagues.  He’ll get maybe one start, and the rest will be a relief role.  In keeper leagues, he should owned already and if he’s not, no time like the present.

James Shields – 8 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks as Shhhields quiets the Sawx.

B.J. Upton – 4-for-4, 4 RBIs, 3 runs and his 20th homer.  That’s right!  You’re not the Secretaryman, you’re not the Administrativeassistantman, you’re the Bossman!  Now take charge!

Doug Fister – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Brilliant once again.  On a side note, with all the mentions of Fister recently our web traffic looking for anything but fantasy baseball has tripled.  Come looking for one thing, leave realizing you need to refine your search query.

Chase Utley – He passed a concussion test.  I wonder if he just kept choosing C.  The Phils will probably leave Utley on the sidelines for a while longer, unless the Mets and Braves win 17 of their next 5 games.

Stephen Strasburg – 3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He threw 56 pitches on Tuesday, but the Nats stretched him out yesterday with 57 pitches.  The Nats also said they won’t put Strasburg on a strict pitch count.  If I may read between the lines, that actually says, “Please buy tickets for the games Strasburg starts even if he may average only four innings.”

Ian Desmond – 3-for-5 with his 8th homer.  This after a 1-for-11 stretch, which sounds like me at YogaWorks.  I nailed the Downward Facing Dog and pulled up short on all other poses.

Tim Hudson – 6 IP, 6 ER.  All the good you did all year, Hudson, and this?  On the last day of my H2H playoffs?  I didn’t order a bitter pill to swallow.  Why would you serve that up?  BTW, it’s perfectly fitting that we lost a tiebreaker in our H2H playoffs this week because our opponent beat us 5-4 during the regular season.  To that I say, “Plouffe.”

Chipper Jones – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in the last week as he hits .348 over that span.  As long as the Braves continue to roll Glass Chipper out there in a giant bubble so he doesn’t get hurt, he has some value.

Jake Peavy – Shutdown for the season.  Backdate that to 2009.

Adam Jones – Sat out Saturday and Sunday with a sore ankle.  In the past month, he has 2 homers and 1 steal.  I’m guessing you can find something better on waivers.

Johan Santana – Mets announced that Johan wouldn’t rejoin the team this year (after saying he would return then saying he wouldn’t then saying he would then saying he wouldn’t then saying he would).  Thanks for the re-re-reconfirmation!

Bobby Parnell – On Friday, Terry Collins said Parnell might not be the closer.  Then on Saturday he said he was the closer.  The Mets say no while nodding their heads yes.

C.J. Wilson – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks.  Nolan Ryan said Wilson’s start made him almost as happy as noogying Robin Ventura.

Adrian Beltre – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs, 2 runs and 2 homers yesterday, 3-for-5 and a homer on Saturday and now has a 16 game hitting streak.  If you add all that up it spells, well, nothing because numbers don’t add up to words.

Troy Tulowitzki – Missed Sunday’s game and will sit out on Tuesday with a sore hipowitzki.

Drew Pomeranz – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Solid start from the top prospect.  To start him here, you had to be crazy like the first wrestler who thought it was a good idea to cut his own forehead with a razor, but still.

Eric Young Jr. – 2-for-4 with 3 steals.  Now has 21 steals in 142 ABs.  Imagine the Rockies ever gave him 600 ABs.  The sun could take that summer off causing of how brightly I’d be beaming.

Josh Collmenter – 4 IP, 6 ER vs. the Padres.  Is it me or do the Padres only hit at the least opportune time?

Edinson Volquez – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  That was 4 walks vs. 3 Ks.  Good to see Edinson doesn’t let coaching or minor league stints get in the way of him staying true to himself.

Lonnie Chisenhall – 2-for-5 yesterday and has 3 homers in the last five games.  In other words, Lonnie done gone going going gonnie.  Of course he was on my bench in a weekly league.  Don’t cry for me, Razzball reader.  Your tears will just make me feel worse.

Alejandro De Aza – 2-for-3, 2 runs and 2 steals.  Now has 4 homers and 8 steals in only 39 games played.  That’s better than, say, Adam Jones.  Cust kayin’.

Kevin Youkilis – Will play through a hernia.  That’s number 137th on a list of things I’d like to play through.  Right after a storm of frogs like in Magnolia and right before a large man standing just outside the batter’s box throwing a bucket of amniotic fluid on me.

Alex Rodriguez – Will sit out for 3-4 days since his thumb is too close to discomfort starring Jm J. Bullock.

Yovani Gallardo – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 12 Ks.  Y to the Izz-O, V to the izz-A.  Fo’ sheezy my neezy bout time you looked like a number one arm so freezy.

Erick Aybar – 4-for-5 with a steal.  Now hitting near .350 in the month of September, but only one steal (which came yesterday).  It’s a’ight.

Mike Stanton – Was pulled from Friday’s game because he couldn’t run at full speed.  Jack McKeon said, after putting in his teeth, that Stanton could return on Monday.

Javier Vazquez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  He was the only featured name in my borderline starters post for Sunday.  So far that post has been a bit hit or miss with a lot more hits than I would like.  Teach me to put any faith in John Lannan.

Anibal Sanchez – On Saturday, he threw his 2nd one-hitter of the season.  All 129 fans in attendance at the next Marlins game will receive opposite gender names with a notary on hand to make it official.

This year Doug Fister has been a revelation like a Dorito in the shape of the Virgin Mary telling you it’s time to change your underwear.  Mystically, making something out of nothing and turning it into a little something-something.  13 strikeouts yesterday?!  Doode has never struck out more than 6 prior to this year.  I never thought I’d say this, but I really like Fister and it hurts so good.  Sure, I’m pretty easy.  Strikeout some guys and I get all googly-eyed, but he now has a 2.64 ERA on the Tigers and a 3.17 ERA on the year with a 1.14 WHIP.  Fister?!  I hardly knew her!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Carlos Beltran – Missed yesterday’s game with food poisoning.  You can call him Upchuck Beltran.

Dexter Fowler – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and 2 homers.  Now has four homers in the past week.  Pick him up in all leagues.  For a while I’ve been saying he’s capable of being a poor man’s Shane Victorino.  You know, Feign Victorino.  So the power isn’t totally coming out of left field, um, center field.

Mike Stanton – Missed yesterday’s game and could miss several more.  I’m pouring some of my forty out for you.

Jair Jurrjens – Will be out at least two more weeks.  If you don’t have the DL room, wash that Jurrjens right outta your team.

Brian Dinkelman – 3-for-7 as he was recalled and started in both games of the doubleheader.  Take that, Ryan Seacrest!

Sergio Santos – In first game of the doubleheader, he didn’t start the ninth in a save situation then came on, gave up a run and was pulled for Chris Sale.  Santos is the closer still, but Ozzie’s been known to flip the script on sanity occasionally.

Zach Stewart – 9 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 0 Walks, 9 Ks.  Brilliant start, obviously, but in his last game vs. the Twins he gave up 6 earned in 4 2/3 innings and that’s just as likely to happen again next time.  Too late in the year to trust a rookie pitcher.  BTW, in Chicago, Zach Stewart’s fans should dress up like bears and they can be known as the Stewart root bears.

Jason Bay – 2-for-4 with a homer.  I feel dirty even saying this, but he has two homers in the last three games.  He’s obviously not a spectacular option, but he might be okay for a week or so.

Grady Sizemore – 0-for-4 as he returned from the DL and hit leadoff.  Just in time for the Indians to pretend they still have hope for the playoffs.  Crazy the only real race in baseball is the Rangers and Angels and I don’t really buy the Bobby Grichville Angels have much of a shot for the playoffs.  Maybe Selig will cook up some new crackpot way to get more playoff races.  Bud Selig, “We’re gonna have a Wilder Card team next year and that team will play the All-Star game winner and then the winner of that will be an automatic World Series team.  Yes, that could mean the National League All-Star team might play the Brewers in the World Series, which will mean Prince Fielder’s on both teams.  It’ll mean ratings.  Die, football, die!  My toupee will now take questions.”

Henderson Alvarez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He’s been solid in three of his last four starts, but with H2H playoffs and roto championships on the line, I wouldn’t risk it with Alvarez this year.  Of course it depends on how much risk you need to take on.

Brett Lawrie – 1-for-3 with a steal and a walk-off homer.  Desmond Jennings who?  OH, NO, YOU DIDN’T.  I did, Al Caps.  NO, YOU DIDN’T.  I did.  DAMN.

Tim Stauffer – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K.  He totally roped me in again.  I saw Petco and the weak Giants lineup and I gave him another whirl and he defecated on my teams.  He’s probably just tired, but if he can’t be counted on in Petco vs. the Giants he’s so done.

Billy Butler – Yesterday, he hit two homers.  One for each of his oversized areolas.

John Axford – Threw a clean inning for his 41st save.  Now has a 2.23 ERA, 1.21 WHIP and 75 Ks in 64 2/3 innings.  His face is a bit too over-adorned with a soul patch, but he’s having a great season.  Too bad he’ll probably end up being drafted too high next year.

Robert Andino – 2-for-5 with his 3rd homer.  After his big game, he posed for his CBS profile pic.

Mark Reynolds – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 32nd homer and 6th steal for the slam & legs.  It’s been almost 10 days since the last time I said if only he’d hit .260.  If only he’d hit .260…

Erik Bedard – Next start is getting skipped because he’s Erik Bedard and he’s never healthy.

Josh Beckett – Left yesterday’s game with a sprained ankle.  His next start will probably be pushed back a few days as a precaution.  Or maybe they’ll just wrap it in police caution tape.

Bobby Jenks – After undergoing a colonoscopy, Jenks has been ruled done for the year.  The colonoscopy camera has been ruled done forever.

Mike Morse – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 25th and 26th home runs.  Slash slash dot dot.

Derrek Lee – 1-for-3 with a homer.  Is now 7 for his last 12 with two homers.  On Friday, someone in our fantasy sports forums asked who to drop between someone, someone, someone and Lee.  I told them to lose Lee.  I’m sorry, friend.  DL’s return from the DL has been bombastic, very fantastic.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 7 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Looks like he’s fixed whatever problem was bothering him… Actually, I’m not sure that’s the case, but it seems that way.

Madison Bumgarner – 8 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 13 Ks.  How about You Can’t Get More Than Two In On This Bumgarner?  How about that name, ‘son?

Pablo Sandoval – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and 2 homers.  Elias Sports Bureau reported that with Butler and Sandoval’s 4 combined homers, there was more home run trot moob jiggling yesterday than ever in the history of baseball.

Scott Sizemore – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in 3 games.  At least one Sizemore is performing this year.  If you need a middle infidel with some pop, I’d go with Sizemore.

James Shields – 9 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 KS.  Here’s a riddle for you:  What do James Shields and George W. Bush have in common?  If you answered, they both hit rock bottom when they were criticized by Kanye, you’re wrong, but I appreciate you trying.

Evan Longoria – 1-for-2 with his 25th homer and 2nd steal for the slam & legs, which is also a special at a Tampa area strip club.  Longoria’s hitting .236 on the year, which is because of a ridiculous amount of bad luck.  I’ll take him in the 2nd round of next year’s drafts without thinking twice about it.

Carlos Marmol – Threw a perfect inning for the save yesterday.  Cubs say we are (not) Marshall.

Mark Trumbo – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in three games.  He’s having a great year (26 homers, 8 steals).  No doubt, Stefani.  But his OBP is .297.  Um, burp?

Dellin Betances – Yankees are considering bringing up their best pitching prospect for the stretch run as a bullpen arm.  See Joba and Hughes for how I feel about Yankee pitching prospects, i.e. more hype than they’re worth.  Stephen went over his Dellin Betances fantasy not that long ago.  He wrote it while setting fire to a picture of me.

Jesus Montero – 2-for-3 with his first 2 major league homers.  The lucky fan who caught Jesus’s first homer returned it in exchange for a piece of the Shroud of Turin.

Yo, Meteorologist Grey here and I’m standing in Chesapeake Bay to show you how high the water has risen.  It’s usually up to my waist, but, as you can see, the water is now up to my shoulders.  Would I normally be standing in Chesapeake Bay if there was no hurricane?  No, this is for ratings, snitches!  That was it, that was the big news all across the world of baseball this weekend.  How there wasn’t any on the eastern seaboard.  ‘See, bored?’ is more like it.  But there was Justin Verlander winning his 20th game, and locking up the Cy Young.  His line so far 20-5/2.38/0.90/218 in 215 2/3 IP.  Those numbers are sick as in very healthy not sick as in sick.  When you have over 200 innings and more than a K per inning, you deserve the accolades, which only sounds like something you take for an upset stomach.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Jimmy Rollins – Won’t return when eligible, i.e., the Phils are coasting into the playoffs and don’t care if any of their regulars play the entire month of September.  Just a friendly reminder that you need to have back-up plans in place if your H2H team is riding Phils like Marlo Thomas.

Rafael Betancourt – The Rockies announced Betancourt would stay in the role of closer even after Street returned, then later that night he blew the save.  Cuddle boy!  Then he came back and recorded the save on Sunday.  I’d keep Betancourt for now, but think he cedes the job to Street in the landmark case of sooner vs. later.

Hanley Ramirez – Will return on Wednesday unless he gets a bee in his bonnet.

Michael Brantley – Will have season-ending surgery on his wrist.  Indians might think about digging up center field and making sure there’s no Brady Bunch tiki idols buried out there.

Jonathan Sanchez – Sounds like he’ll be out for the season.  Safe to drop him.  Could backdate that to June.  You know what’s nice?  Your mustache?  Random Italicized Voice, you giving me lip service?  Is that a pun?  Kinda.  No, what’s nice is at this time of the year you don’t have to contemplate whether or not to wait out a DL stint.  Just drop.

Sergio Romo – Returned to the Giants on Sunday and looks like the favorite to get saves.  BTW, you think when Sergio was in summer camp and wrote his name on his shirt tags that people just thought it was the designer’s name?

Jordan Walden – The Sciosciapath removed Walden on Saturday after he loaded the bases and brought in Takahashi for the save.  I think Walden will continue to get saves for the Los Angeles Not Actually Los Angeles Angels, but if you’re speculating on saves there ya go.

Dayan Viciedo – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and a homer.  With Quentin finally hitting the DL, the Pale Hose promoted Dayan Viciedo, a highly touted Cuban raftee.  In Triple-A, Viciedo had a .296 average with 20 homers in 119 games.  He’s in that Delmon-Alfonso-Vlad mold of swinging at just about anything near the plate.  As with Alfonso and Vlad, it hasn’t really hurt his hitting.  He can play all over the field to get at-bats, but, for whatever reason, Ozzie hasn’t really thrust him into a starring role.  If he gets the ABs, see, he’d be good for mixed leaguers — Yo, dawg, I’m a mixed leaguer….Now why won’t girls talk to me? — but until we see Dayan’s PT, I’d only look at him in AL-Only leagues.

Chris Capuano – 9 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 0 walks, 13 Ks.  Feliz Capu anos!

Johan Santana – Now unlikely to return this year.  Really no shocker here.  Hence, my credo not to bother with drafting pitchers in March that are supposed to be out for the majority of the season.  Setbacks happen yadda³.

James Shields – 9 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 12 Ks.  Sometimes Shields gets a little flaky (7 earned vs the M’s, 10 earned vs. the A’s), but for where you drafted him and his 192 Ks, 2.96 ERA, you’ll take it and like it.

David Price – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 14 Ks.  It’s funny how his season ERA is at 3.40 with a 12-11 record compared to 2.72 ERA and 19 wins last year, but he’s actually pitched much better this year.  Obviously not haha funny, but more like not funny at all funny.

Desmond Jennings – 4-for-5, 2 homers and a steal.  The only real drawback so far with Jennings is I need to buy more Trapper Keepers to write his name in hearts with my sparkle marker.

Joe Mauer – Has been out for five days with a pain in the neck.  How appropriate.

Luke Hughes – 2-for-4, 2 homers on Sunday and a homer on Saturday.  Luke, you are my waiver wire fodder.

Collin Cowgill – 4-for-4, homer, 2 runs 2 RBIs.  Hasn’t been playing every day, but maybe after this big game we’ll get more Cowgill.

Aaron Hill – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer as a D-Back.  He’s fared slightly better than Johnson since the trade.  Perhaps being surrounded by a team of hackers is making him feel more comfortable.

Tommy Hanson – Has a rotator cuff tear.  I once had a cuff tear on my Girbaud jeans and it knocked me out for a day.  Hanson’s cuff tear is not as major as it sounds, but will still knock him out a few weeks (no relation to Jemile).  Can go ahead and drop Hanson in most leagues, i.e., Mmmdrop.

Zach Britton – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Britton took down the Yankees revenging The Revolutionary War.  Though I thought exporting The Spice Girls was their payback.

Nelson Cruz – Strained his left hamstring on a double.  His right hamstring said, “I got next!”

Jason Motte – Got the save on Sunday.  Let’s see, Salas’s last two appearances were in non-save situations, then La Russa sends Motte, who hasn’t given up a run in his last 29 appearances, out for the save yesterday.  I think La Russa’s Feathered-Hair-Covered Brain finally made a smart move with his bullpen.  Motte should be the closer.  Now whether he’s the closer or not is up to FHCB.

Jordan Zimmermann – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER.  About two months ago, I asked whether or not the Nats would shut down Zimmermann at exactly 160 innings if it meant in the middle of the 3rd inning.  They didn’t; they shut him down for the season in the middle of the fifth inning.

Joey Votto – 2-for-5 with two homers.  Joey makes me coo coo roo.

Yonder Alonso – Hit a pinch hit homer yesterday.  Now is hitting .467 with 3 homers in 30 ABs.  Too bad he doesn’t have a position to play.  Rather, Baker starts Fred Lewis, Dave Sappeit and the Winner of a Skyline Chili contest instead of Yonder.

Carlos Lee – Left Sunday’s game with a slight ankle sprain.  Send El Caballo to the glue factory!

Andre Ethier – Said he’s playing with an injured knee all year.  Then the always sympathetic GM Ned Colletti said, “What am I supposed to be concerned about?  That he has those numbers, that he’s hurt or contends he’s hurt?”  Snap in the 0-for-12 formation.  I will say Ned Colletti, aka No Coddle-letti, is refreshingly frank, but I’m not sure today’s athletes respond to it.  Why not just call him Andre the Pissant and wear a shirt that says ‘Obey?’

Matt Kemp – Joined the 30/30 club this weekend.  The gift basket included a free weekend stay at a Howard Johnson.

I said three days ago that Brian Wilson was probably headed for a DL stint.  And now he’s on the DL.  Confession:  I’m a time traveler!  And not for stocks or gambling Biff-style, I use my foresight for fantasy baseball.  To recap what I’ve been saying, I said three days ago that Brian Wilson– Wait, I should recap from a little further back.  Ramon Ramirez already has two saves, so that’s who I’d grab first.  Affeldt could get some saves, you just need to put up with his annoying duck.  Casilla may sneak into the picture, but I wouldn’t go deeper than one of these guys unless you’re very desperate.  Though remember closers can smell desperation and you’ll never get any saves like that.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before we get into the roundup, I just wanted to announce that this afternoon there will be announcement. So this is the announcement’s announcement.  The pre-nouncement?  If you’ve been around the last three Augusts for our announcements, then this shouldn’t come as that huge of announcement.  But act surprised anyway, would you please?  Anyway II, the roundup:

Jordan Lyles – Was sent to Triple-A.  Hope he gets one of their TourBooks.  They have so many great coupons!

Alex Rodriguez – 0-for-5 as he returned from the DL.  Bee tee dubya, he has 13 homers on the year.  Where does he get drafted next year? Fifth round?  Sixth?  Hasn’t been drafted that low since he started hanging out with his cousin.

Eduardo Nunez – 1-for-4 with a steal.  More importantly, he played even as A-Rod returned.  Though, I wouldn’t count on that continuing.  Jeter DH’d yesterday, but he won’t do that every day.

Curtis Granderson – 1-for-4 with a slam & legs.  Now has 35 homers and 24 steals.  Is he in the MVP conversation at all?

Derek Holland – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER as Holland gave his owners a Dutch oven.

Tyler Flowers – 2-for-3, 3 runs, has now hit in 6 of 7 games.  In one league where we lost Eli Whiteside (yeah, it’s a deep league; no, we didn’t get extra points for owning Whiteside because he sounds like herring), I added Flowers.

Ryan Braun – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI with his 25th and 26th steal.  He has no business stealing 26 bases, yet he goes out there and does just that for your fantasy team.  How sexy is he?  I want his swimsuit calendar.

Casey McGehee – 1-for-4 with his 9th homer.  Hasn’t really gotten hot all year, and I still wouldn’t say he is now, but he is hitting near .333 over the last week.  That’s McOkayhee.

Tim Hudson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I haven’t given Hudson much fanfare this year, so here goes.  With a 3.01 ERA and a 1.07 WHIP, he’s been my most reliable starter on multiple teams and wish I owned him on every team, which is saying something since his Ks are pretty yawnstipating.  Thank you, Tim, for letting me love a non-strikeout pitcher.  Though, if you could ramp up the Ks, you’d be really awesome.

Adam Lind – Out with a sore wrist.  Should be able to return on Tuesday.  Canada waits.

Luis Perez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks and 4 Ks.  Late-blooming southpaw that ran up against a good matchup yesterday vs. the A’s.  I wouldn’t look at him outside of deep AL-Only leagues.  Could get some Ks, will probably get mollywhopped.

Frank Francisco – Scratched with a sore shoulder.  Well, stop scratching it!  Francisco has actually been decent recently, but if the shoulder’s a problem, it won’t matter.  Since Rauch is off seeing a giraffe doctor, Casey Janssen or Shawn Camp would see saves.

Rafael Furcal – Tripped over a rope and sprained his thumb.  He should’ve stuck with hopscotch.

Yadier Molina – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and 2 homers, three this weekend.  This had to be more than just the wind blowing out at Wrigley.  I’m guessing the entire Molina family, including Alfred, was sitting behind home plate blowing.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER.  Um, dubya tee eff?  Last week I joked that Cleveland should raise the mound a mile above sea level, but I joke when I don’t think there’s any reason to worry.  Now, I’m kinda troubled.   Or troubaldo.  If he gets beat badly his next time out by the peasant Royals, might be time to discard.

Jacoby Ellsbury – Sat out with a back bruise after being plunked.  Eric Plunk, “Someone owes me a nickel!”

Ryan Lavarnway – 2-for-4.  Playing DH (do you play it?) which has me concerned.  If he only DHs then only pinch hits when Papi returns, will Lavarnway lose his catcher eligibility going into next year?  Probably moot since the Sawx will most likely let him start 2012 in the minors.  Cust pondering.

Craig Kimbrel – Recorded his 39th save.  Has 101 Ks, 1.72 ERA and 1.01 WHIP.  Member how Tony Gwynn used to watch hours of pitcher videos while eating donuts?  I think Kimbrel watched hours of a young Mariano.

James Shields – 7 1/3 IP, 7 ER vs. the Mariners.  Huh?  I feel like the box score had a typo.

Brandon Belt – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer.  Great, wonderful, gronderful!  But he hasn’t been playing every day so you might need to platoon him in and out of your fantasy lineup for right now.

Casper Wells – 2-for-4 with his 10th homer.  As all of Casper’s fans boo.  BTW, on Saturday I went to this karaoke place and this one guy was awful so I stood near the stage and started booing him.  Loudly.  He got rattled and started messing up the words (worse), so I booed louder.  I got a kick out of it, but apparently he didn’t.  He threw down the mic, shouted “Oh, that’s it!” and charged after me.  Luckily (for me and my mustache), three bouncers got to him before he got to me.

Michael Pineda – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Before this game, I told someone in our fantasy baseball forums that I wouldn’t start Pineda again until he pitched well.  Well (stutterer!), this was a decent start.

Nick Blackburn – Left the game with a forearm strain.  Maybe it was straining to be a fivearm.

Ben Revere – 1-for-4 with his 2nd game in a row with a steal.  SAGNOF!

James McDonald – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  McDonald was then replaced by Grilli.  I prefer the McGriddli.

Garrett Jones – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and a home run as he continues to stay hot with his 2nd homer in the last five games.

Joel Hanrahan – 2/3 IP, 2 ER.  Hanrahanananan is obviously strugglinginginging right now, but his season ERA is still at 1.76 so, ya know, don’t be ungrateful.

Carlos Quentin – Might end up on the DL with a sprained AC joint.  That sucks, humidity this time of the year is killer.

Peter Bourjos – 3-for-5 with his third homer of the weekend.  I’m telling you right now, there’s gonna be a sleeper post about him sometime in January and I’m gonna go cacacuckoo for him again next year.

Danny Espinosa – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer.  Corspinosa is alive!  He tends to be streaky so if he’s out there, I’d give him another chance if you’re hurting with your middle infidel.

Ian Desmond – 2-for-5 as he also homered yesterday.  It must’ve been Zombie Day in Nationals Park.

Seth Smith – 1-for-2 with a slam & legs.  If someone asked me what’s the bare minimum you should get from your fifth outfielder in a 12 team mixed league, I’d say look at The Lisper’s Nightmare’s stats.

Ivan Nova – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Honestly, I don’t trust him.  This start was vs. the Twins who have Plouffe, the guy who sounds like the noise a turd makes when it hits the toilet water, hitting second.  If you’re chasing wins, I could see going with Nova, but chasing wins is a losing proposition. (<–Turn of a phrase point!)

Roy Halladay – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Was lifted after a rain delay then Schwimer took over.  All I can say is thank God he’s no longer making movies.

Jimmy Rollins – Left the game with a groin injury.  Wouldn’t surprise me to see this be a DL stint since the Phils will just want everyone healthy for the playoffs.  As Jimmy gets older, maybe he should ease back a little to Strollins.

Ryan Madson – 2/3 IP, 6 ER on Friday.  Madson, the Phils already have one Bastardo in the bullpen.  Please.  Wasn’t used in a save situation on Sunday, which was then blown by Bastardo and followed by Lidge losing the game.  I think Madson will be fine, was just a big giant blip.

Matt Wieters – 6 for his last 12 and his 12th homer yesterday.  Pretty whatever season from him so far, but if he were to hit five homers in the last month plus, his season would still look a’ight with definite promise for next year.  He really needs a big last month though.  Either way, I’m still gonna go all in with him next year again, assuming he’s drafted late, which he should be at this rate.

Delmon Young – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer on the Tigers.  On the Twins, Delmon was happy, but on the Tigers Delmon’s all about business.

Bobby Parnell – Mets said Izzy will see some saves still, but then Izzy went out on Sunday and gave up one run and on Saturday he gave up 4 runs.  They say the 301st save is always the toughest.