Fantasy Baseball Advice

Julio Borbon has been running around like a chicken without its head or maybe Borbon is *pinkie to mouth* a Wild Turkey.  Yesterday, he even hit a home run.  The word out of the mean streets of Arlington was he’d sit once Cruz returned.  Cruz returned.  Borbon played.  Natch!  Will Borbon’s brilliance continue?  Unfortunately, I don’t think so.  He’s doing his best Mr. April, Emilio Bonifacio, impersonation (Flex, Bonifacio!  Yeah, you are so Mr. April!) and we saw how long that lasted.  While Borbon’s hot, own him like Angelina with 3rd world children, but in Triple-A, he had 2 homers in over 400 at-bats and a pretty terrible caught stealing percentage, so know that he’ll come crashing back to Earth like your unrealistic fear of meteors.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Drew Stubbs – 1-for-5, 3 Ks.  He’s like a white Willie Mays Hayes.  He was guessing on 0-2 counts like a pimple-faced, teenaged waiter guessing what’s in the meatloaf.  Cain’s nasty and able, but Stubbs looked overmatched on every pitch.  Keep in mind what I said yesterday, “In Triple-A, he had 104 Ks in 107 games.”  And that’s me quoting me!  But remember Willie Mays Hayes can run, so Stubbs still has value.  Just know what you’re getting.

Gary Sheffield – Sheff was seen angrily wagging his walking papers at the Mets front office.  He thinks he should get a contract; after all, he is their top home run hitter this year with 10.  Sheff owners should want him on the Mets.  Anywhere else, he’s not a cleanup hitter… He’s not even really an every day player.

Billy Wagner – Returned to action and looked dominant.  He could end somewhere that includes saving games.  Those in dire need of saves.  You know the drill.

Justin Morneau – Oh-fer-geez, Morneau heads back up Nort to have his ear checked, dontchya know?  May be headed to the DL.  Uffdah!

James Shields – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 unearned runs, 9 baserunners.  He should’ve mopped the Trop with the O’s like Carol Burnett.  The way the O’s are playing you’d think they didn’t want Bryce Harper.

Ben Zobrist – HR yesterday.  Might finally be coming out of the funk he’s been in.

Nolan Reimold – HR yesterday.  First homer of August.  Lately, he’s been almost as non-existent as his brother, Judge.

Jason Hammel – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners.  I picked him up for this game.  Ye of a sub-3 ERA away from Coors.  Then I got cold feet and didn’t start him.  Sonavabench!

Joe Blanton – 8 IP, 3 ER.  Since I told you to buy him on June 24th, he has a 2.25 ERA in almost two months.  Cust kayin’.

Brett Cecil – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 2 Ks.  You guys had a good run… *realizing he has a 4.82 ERA*  You guys had an all right run… *realizing Cecil has a 1.58 WHIP* Wait, why do you own him?

Jon Lester – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 Ks.  Since I’m in that type of mood, on May 15th, I told you to get Lester.  Since then, Lester has a 2.49 ERA.  It’s hard to make this shizz up.

Marlon Byrd – 8 for his last 19 as he hit two homers yesterday to give him 14 on the year.  This Byrd you cannot cage…

Kendry Morales – Hit his 27th homer.  He’s having some kind of season.  It’s about time, too… Wait a second, he’s listed as 26 years old?  Oh, c’mon.  He’s easily a Latin 28.  Remember that when you’re considering him for keepers.

Wandy Rodriguez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Last time out, the Wandwagon’s horse had a nail in its hoof.  Well, that horse is now glue and the Wandwagon rolls again.

Kyle Blanks – Has three homers in the last four games.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  On the right side of the slash, which is the left.

J.D. Drew – 4-for-4 with 2 HRs yesterday.  After the game, a reporter asked Drew if he’s changed his approach.  He said, “No, I just love my Mom more than Stephen.”

Kenshin Kawakami - 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 Ks.  Guess who it was against?  Meet the Mets, meet the Mets… Step right up and beat the Mets.  Start your rookies, contact your bookies… They’re worse than your local Chinese restaurant’s almond cookies.

Corey Hart is out for up to a month with an appendectomy.  My college roommate had an appendectomy and he returned from the hospital in 24 hours and back to drinking Olde E forties with me by Friday, which is what we called Tuesday.  Bill Hall will be recalled (Score one for NL pitchers) and Frank Catalanotto will see time in right field (score one for the Catalanottos).  Good thing the Brewers traded for Gerut.  Who?  Hey, you sound like Ken Macha!  I expect the Hart will go on in September.  If he gives you his biggest month of the season then, it’ll be about 4 homers and 4 steals for the month.  Whoopie!  If Hart’s still on your team, now’s as good a time as any to cut him, unless you have DL room.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ian Kinsler – Just hit the DL.  Usually he doesn’t turn into a pumpkin for another twenty games.  Kinsler was in Friday’s Buy/Sell.  Betcha can guess which side of the slash he fell on.

Neftali Feliz – Called up to come out of the bullpen.  Yes, he’s flippin’ awesome.  I know.  But out of the bullpen?  Eh.  If your league’s deep enough, I guess I could see it, but I’m not running out to grab him.

Frank Francisco – Activated and set up C.J. Wilson, who got the save.  Should be about a week until Francisco’s the closer again.  And about a week and a half until he’s back on the DL.

Scott Feldman – 7 IP, 2 ER and his 10th win.  Incredible.  Three of my starters together don’t have 10 wins and this schmohawk does.  Feldman who has 58 Ks in 119 2/3 innings.  I hate wins.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – 2 HRs in his last three games.  If it’s a hot streak, it’s long overdue.

Ian Snell – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 Ks, 6 baserunners.  Got the start for the M’s vs. the Rangers.  I don’t mind a pickup of Snell in 12 team leagues, but he gets the Rays then the Yanks in his next two starts.

Chad Billingsley – Left the game with a cramp.  Aw, it’s that time of the month.  He should be ready for his next start.

Casey Blake – Had problems swinging a bat during batting practice, now he’s headed for X-rays on his hand.  Coulda called me, I own X-ray glasses.  Thank you, back of a comic book.

Matt Kemp – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs with a homer from the five hole.  This was his first homer of the year while batting above the 6th spot. (<–Torre supplied that info.)

Scott Downs – To the DL.  What I don’t get is why was Downs the closer anyway?  It’s not like he has some absurd contract cough B.J. Ryan cough.  Jason Frasor takes over the job he should’ve had anyway.  I’d own Frasor in any league.

Scott Rolen – Beaned on the helmet by a pitch.  Phillies fans can’t believe it took that long for the voodoo doll work.  Rolen should be fine.  Phew…  The Reds playoff hopes are counting on him going 120/50/120/.450 and pitching 30 no-hitters in the last two months.

Drew Sutton – 2-for-5, has SS eligibility and 15/15 type appeal.  Do I think he can reach those numbers?  I have my doubts.  But Dusty hit him leadoff all weekend and Dusty is CRAZY enough to keep him there.  Worth a flier in NL-Only leagues, keeper and otherwise.  (Dusty gets crazy in caps, you shouldn’t have to ask.)

Jon Garland – 9 IP, 2 ER vs. Guess who.  The Mets.  C’mon, these are gimmes…  Kinda like starts vs. the Mets.

Miguel Montero – 3-for-5 as he hit cleanup.  Hinch, you don’t hit a catcher cleanup then platoon him with Chris Snyder.  I’m not sure why the D’Backs are forcing Snyder into the lineup every other day or so, but Miguel Montero’s value is taking a hit.  I’m sure Tonya Harding’s available (and cheap) if anyone wants to send her to the desert looking for Snyder.

Ty Wigginton – HR yesterday.  As I mentioned in Friday’s Buy/Sell, he goes from Mr. Wigginton to Dr. Donkowitz in August.  Why?  Beats the shizz out of me.

Ronnie Cedeno – HR yesterday with the Pirates.  All he needed was a change of scenary… And 120 MPH winds blowing out.

Elijah Dukes – Trouble’s back in the town called Malice.  Riggleman says Dukes will get the majority of starts and he should.  Definitely worth a flier in 12 team leagues and deeper.

James Shields – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER.  Unfortunately, he pitched against Brian Bannister, who looked like his brother Bruce.  Would’ve been nice to get the win, but I was just happy to see Shields dominate.  Baby steps, Bob, baby steps.

Mark Buehrle – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  Now that’s how you make a correction to your season stats.

Gordon Beckham – I was getting some shizz in our fantasy baseball forums for pushing people to pick up Beckham.  In July, he hit .330 with 3 homers and 3 steals.  That’s kinda good for a guy who has shortstop eligibility.

Asdrubal Cabrera – 7 for his last 17 with two homers.  A’la Cher from Clueless, “AS-drubal!”

Bud Norris – 7 IP, 5 Ks, 4 walks, 2 hits.  That’s the problem.  The walks.  I suppose I’d own him for his next start, but I don’t think he’s going to have a rotation spot for much longer and he’s still a rookie and liable to roofie you.

Kendry Morales – 2 HRs, 6 RBIs.  March Grey told you he was a sleeper.  (Please ignore June Grey that told you to Sell him.  June Grey was phoning it in from a methadone clinic.  It was a dark time.)

Jered Weaver – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 11 Ks.  Sure would be nice to see him throw a game where he doesn’t give up 4+ earned, but the 11 Ks vs. the Twins is pretty impressive.

Orlando Cabrera – 1-for-3, HR yesterday as he batted 2nd.  He hit near .400 in July. (Ted Williams, “Unfreeze me when you do it over an entire season.”)  I’m not a huge fan of a guy who has light power and diminishing speed, but you can probably do worse at SS.

Ricky Romero – 7 IP, 2 ER vs. the A’s was a nice matchup and, for the rest of the season, Romero has matchup potential, but I think the Jays will have to begin to limit his innings.

Casey McGehee – Well, lookie what the MI schmohawk cat dragged in.  McGehee hit 2 homers in the last four games and has been playing regularly at 3rd base.

Eugenio Velez – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs.  Not  sure why, but I have a special place in my heart for Velez.  Maybe because he’s a buck thirty soaking wet.  Potatoes to chips, Velez is hitting near .500 over the last week.

Cole Hamels – 5 IP, 6 ER.  Did you really just get out-pitched by Barry Zito?  For shamels.

Jake Fox – Of course he hit a homer yesterday, he started.   I’m not what you would call a person who gets involved.  I yell, “Hands free,” to people who are talking on their cellphone while they’re driving, but that’s about the extent of my community involvement.  But if I were, say, a person who takes action, I’d start a campaign to make Jake Fox the catcher.

Victor Martinez – 5-for-6, 4 RBIs as the Red Sox won 18-10.  Without V-Mart, the Red Sox would’ve won 14-10.  Even the Yankees disapprovingly shook their heads mumbling, “Enough’s enough.”

David Ortiz – 0-for-5, 1 RBI.  Ticker Tease!

Clay Buchholz – 4 IP, 7 ER.  When you’re working with a 14 run cushion… Well… You gave him a shot.  It just didn’t work out.  I’d let him figure it out on someone else’s team.

Melky Cabrera – Hit for the cycle yesterday.  The guy who took four minutes to design “Got Melky” t-shirts at Cafepress is ecstatic.

Ryan Garko was traded to the Aints for Scott Barnes, no relation to Priscilla.  Not sure why the Indians traded a cheap guy with 11 homers and a .285/.362/.464 line.  Maybe the Giants offered some trinkets to the Indians.  Besides his season line, Garko has been hot recently (.429 in his last seven games with two homers).  Pac Bell/AT&T/The Fridge That Sandoval Raids is not a hitter’s haven, but Garko should hit in the heart of the order and see every day playing time.  Definitely worth pursuing in NL-Only leagues and 12 team leagues, if you’re hurting at corner. The other name worth mentioning is Andy Marte, who was called up by the Indians yesterday.  In Triple-A this year, Marte has a .329/.366/.590 line with 17 homers in just under 300 ABs.  Not too long ago, Marte was a blue chip prospect in the minors.  But Marte’s middle name may as well be Prospect-Shmespect.  As in, show it in the majors, Prospect-Shmespect.  Marte may get that chance again, but outside of very deep mixed leagues (15+ teams) and AL-Only leagues, you need to take a wait and see approach.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Josh Hamilton – Dropped to 7th in the order. We may need to start calling him Josh 20081stHalfilton.  Where’s Brokeback Hamilton?

Daric Barton – Headed to the DL.  I’ve already talked too much about this schmohawk.

Bronson Arroyo – The Yankees denied interest in Arroyo.  Nice neg.

Jonny Gomes – 2 HRs yesterday vs. two righties. Will be harder for Dusty to bungle The Gomes Situation™ with Dickerson on the DL.  Gomes should get the majority of starts… Oh, who am I kidding, Dusty will still find a way.

Tommy Hunter – 7 IP, 1 ER.  He could’ve pitched a shutout and I’d be saying the same thing here.  Don’t go near him.  His minor league stats are yawnstipating.  He will leave you crying in the corner of your cubicle.

Billy Butler – 5-for-5, Voice from the future, “Next year Grey will be excited about him in the preseason.”

James Shields – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  He’s gonna need a freakin’ shield if I ever run into him on the street.  Can’t start him away, can’t start him at home… How does he have a 3.87 ERA on the year?  When did he ever pitch good?  I don’t remember that.  Yesterday, I said to Rudy over IM, “Shields is getting rocked again. What else is knew (sic)?”  Rudy, “He usually waits until the 6th or 7th inning.”

Pat Burrell – HR yesterday.  Hasn’t gotten hot like I would’ve thought, but there’s still time.

Nick Swisher – 2 HRs.  He dedicated both homers to his fallen comrades (his sideburns).

Robinson Cano – I never watch the Yankees because everyone knows about them and ESPN does a fine job of covering every one of their moves/non-moves/possible moves, but I watched them yesterday (cause of freakin’ Shields).  Anyway, Cano tried to steal 2nd.  He was out by five steps.  I have a new contest for next year’s All-Star game festivities, Guys Who Look Fast But Are Remarkably Slow Race Against Guys Who Look Slow But Are Fast.  First heat, Cano vs. Pablo Sandoval.  Like you wouldn’t watch this.

Randy Wolf – 6 IP, 2 ER.  Of course he got no run support.  Unlucky like a Wolf.

Josh Beckett – 7 IP, 3 ER, 10 Ks and his 12th win.  My AL Cy Young prediction doesn’t look too bad so far.  Will depend on how much imagination capturing Greinke’s still doing.

Adam LaRoche – 2-for-4, with two half-homers.  Has now started three days in a row.  Meanwhile, Lowell trimmed his goatee.

Everth Cabrera – HR yesterday, while Kyle Blanks stole a base.  That was nice of Homer Bailey to let Everth hit from second and give Blanks a 59 foot lead off first.

Homer Bailey – 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER.  He’s trying to sucker you in.  Don’t fall for it.

Ryan Zimmerman – HR yesterday.  Might be finally getting hot again.  Took about 2 months.  Maybe it was my snide comparison of him to Kouzmanoff yesterday (who also homered).

Josh Willingham – Two grand slams yesterday and 4 homers in the last 7 games. When they’re hot, and this even goes for Nationals players, they’re worth owning everywhere.  BTW, with 8 RBIs yesterday, guess how many RBIs Willingham has on the season?  39.  He recorded a fourth of his RBI total in one game… In almost August.  That’s incredible, and not the good kind of incredible.

Garrett Atkins – Started at first, and since Helton usually bats third, Atkins batted third.  Jim Tracy must be a disciple of Leyland.

Corey Hart – He gets sizzling.  Why do I tell you this?  Because he has two homers in the past two games.

Jeff Francoeur – 3 homers and batting .429 in the last seven games.  I fully expect him to fall on his face again, but maybe Frenchy’s not toast.

Alfonso Soriano – Grand slam yesterday.  He also gets scalding hot for extended periods of time.  Or see Hart, Corey, or two above.

Carlos Lee – And another guy who’s finally picking up the pace with 3 homers in his last 7 games.

Wandy Rodriguez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 Ks.  He deserved more offense.  He also deserves the award for Even His Owners Can’t Believe He Has a 2.65 ERA.

Kendry Morales – 2 HRs yesterday.  As someone in the comments pointed out the other day, April Grey had Kendry as a sleeper, July Grey had Kendry as a Sell.  April Grey says to July Grey, “You’re a moron.”

Brian Fuentes – 4 earned and no outs recorded.  Ow…  Wait, what?  Ouch…

Gordon Beckham – Now has two homers in the past two games.  C’mon, Ozzie, move him up in the order!

Garrett Jones – When I saw he had one RBI, I thought for sure he hit a homer and Yahoo just hadn’t scored it.  Alas…

Tim Lincecum – 9 IP, 0 ER, 15 Ks.  He would’ve had 18 Ks, but Adam LaRoche was in Boston.

Adam Lind – The Jays scored 11 runs, Lind went 0-for-4 — Ticker Tease!

Nolan Reimold – 2-for-3 as he stole his sixth base yesterday.  I get it, Michael Bourn is Fred Savage and he’s Judge Reimold.

Jay Bruce owners got their first bit of good news from him as he fractured his wrist.  This is like when you’re in a terrible relationship that you can’t get out of because you’re scared to be alone, then the other person comes home and says they’re leaving you.  In 12 teams or shallower and non-keeper leagues, I’d remove Jay Bruce from the salamander and chuck him.  Even if he comes back, he wasn’t hitting when his wrist bone was connected to his forearm bone.  As for keepers, I thought Bruce would be a good sleeper candidate for next year.  Now with the nature of his injury, I’m not so sure.  If he needs surgery, it’ll be a much longer process. (When this post went to the (Word)presses, they weren’t sure if Bruce needed surgery.)  To go out on a limb — something Bruce can’t do so well right now — I’m calling Jay Bruce a top fantasy sleeper for 2011 — when we’ll all be taking flying cars to our draft.  Chris Dickerson, who had the start and a steal yesterday, gets an added boost as he’ll see time against righties.  That’s until Dusty grows bored of him.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Tim Stauffer – 7 IP, 2 ER on Saturday vs. the Giants.  He’s the newest HodgePadre.

Jonathan Sanchez – Last no-hitter for the Giants was John Montefusco.  Before picking up Sanchez, think about everyone that picked up Montefusco after his no-hitter.  (Okay, there was no such thing as fantasy baseball when Montefusco pitched his, but I think you get my point.)  If Sanchez had pitched a two-hitter instead of a no-hitter, would you even be considering him?  Things that make you say hmm…

Barry Zito – 4 1/3 IP, 9 ER.  As the BBWAA hold a caucus at the All-Star Game about giving Zito’s Cy Young to Pedro Martinez.

John Bowker – 2-for-4, HR yesterday.  I promise this is my last Giants player blurb.  Bochy is supposedly going to play Bowker every day.  Bowker’s proven more than capable in the minors.  This year’s Triple-A numbers are 63/17/63/.347/10 with more walks than strikeouts.  In NL-Only leagues, you should absolutely grab him.  In mixed leagues, I’d wait a few unless you’re absolutely hurting for power.

Jack Hannahan – Joel Hanrahan’s half-brother was traded to the Seattle Mariners.  You may ask yourself, why do I need to know this?  You don’t.  And the days go by, water flowing underground…

Jeff Francoeur – Traded to the Mets for Ryan Church.  Maybe the change of scenery is all he needed, but for right now I still think Frenchy’s *pinkie to mouth* toast.

Marc Rzepczynski – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 Ks, 3 walks.  Surprisingly, you can spell Rzepczynski without two BBs, but he can’t pitch without them.

Ryan Church – The recession is hitting everyone, and now the Braves will only carry left-handed scissors.  I wouldn’t bother with Church, except on short schedule days when you’re just playing matchups.

James Shields – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 2 Ks.  Why can’t he hold a damn lead?  Seriously.  What the eff?  And two Ks?  Who are you, Joel Pineiro?

Brett Anderson – Left after four innings because his back stiffened up.  A’s are saying he should be fine and Steven Tyler’s saying he’ll be F-I-N-E.

Brandon Inge – 2 HRs yesterday, now has 21 on the year.  I guess 35 homers from your catcher slot bores you.

Josh Whitesell – Tony Clark’s release means two things.  1) Josh Whitesell should get the call-up.  He’s a decent flier in NL-Only play.  2) The Diamondbacks are now without a center for their pickup basketball games.

Ryan Ludwick – 5-for-9 in the doubleheader and 2 HRs, then robotically walked onto the field saying, “I must kill the Queen.”

Joe Mauer – 0-for-5 as the Twins scored 13.  Ticker Tease!

Brooks Conrad – HR yesterday.  Has 2 homers since his callup.  He’s a poor man’s Dan Uggla.  Has some modest pop, no average and Bobby Cox seems content to play him.

Manny Acta – Fired as Nats manager.  Guess you can’t fire a whole franchise.

Mike Napoli – HR on Saturday as he plays every day at DH while Vlad figures out why he has Andre Dawson’s knees.

Clay Buchholz – Will start Friday, but the Sawx plan on sending him down right afterwards.  I believe them.

Josh Beckett – 9 IP, 0 ER, 7 Ks, only 3 baserunners for his 11th win.  He was my preseason AL Cy Young prediction.  At the break, picks don’t look awful.  (Just ignore any mention of Alfonso Soriano.)

Garrett Jones – Hit his 5th homer yesterday.  That’s his fifth homer in 11 games.  That includes a three homer weekend.  He also has 3 steals while batting .310.  What else is in Garrett Jones’s locker?  He bats third and there’s really no one on the Pirates to challenge him for that spot if he hits…. Or even if he doesn’t hit.

Ryan Doumit – Returned from the DL.  People are clamoring for Doumit like he’s going to save their team.  Last year was the outlier.  He’s worth a flier because he’s a catcher, but he may only hit 7 homers with a .260 average the rest of the way.  Not to mention, he’s injury-prone.

J.P. Howell – 1 1/3 IP, 3 ER.  Kazaam!

Yovani Gallardo – 5 IP, 5 ER.  Has now thrown 9 walks in the last 10 innings.  As I pointed out a few weeks ago, he’s been pitching closer to a 4 ERA than a 3.  Trust me, I’m not thrilled either.

Clayton Kershaw – 6 IP, 1 ER, 2 hits, 5 walks.  Over the course of 99 and 2/3 innings this year, he’s issued 59 walks.  Okay, hotshot, how many more hits than walks has he given up?  A) 1-10 B) 11-20 C) 21-30 D) None of the Above E) Colonel Mustard.  If you guessed A, you looked up his stats pretty quick, cheater.  He’s given up 9 more hits than walks.  I don’t feel like doing the research, but has anyone in the history of baseball ever thrown more than 100 innings and had less than 10 more walks than hits while maintaining a sub-3.50 ERA?  Betcha Jayson Stark or some doode wearing a bow tie at Elias Sports Bureau knows.

Stop the press. Who is that?  Vicki Vale?  Nope.  Ricky Romero, Ricky Romero.  Yesterday, Romero went 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 Ks with 8 baserunners.  Let’s go in the Wayback Machine… Cue dream sequence music, activate wavy screen… Here we are back on April 20th, “(Romero’s) walks are very low (for him), and he’s left a lot of guys on base, so he will see a correction in his future (SMACK!), but his FIP is only 3.86 (now at 4.20).  …Might want to try a little R & R. (POW!) Oh, and get Ben Zobrist right now even though he only has 3 homers.”  And that’s me quoting me and making up a false quote about Zobrist!  Pretty much all that holds true from back in April.  Ricky Romero continues to get lucky with men he’s leaving on base, so that could turn around and bite him at any moment.  But you really should own him at this point, though I wouldn’t start him in The Jetstream next time out.  Slide, slide, slippity slide… The Jetstream!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Elijah Dukes – Frequent commenter, Doc said, “Dukes sent to AAA on Wednesday. Nats host Domestic Violence Awareness Day at Nationals Park on Friday.” Nats seem like they’re going from 5-tool outfielders to 1-tool — Dunn, Willingham… Maybe they can get Jack Cust to play center.

Sean Burnett – Gave up the game-tying homer to Cody Ross.  Welcome to the Washington Nationals organization.  If you wish to excel, you’ve come to the wrong place.  Here you will either fail or be ignored when you succeed.  Don’t bother with the life preservers.  On his way out of town, Dukes punctured them all.

Kelly Johnson – Cox says Prado’s has won the starting job over Kelly Johnson.  Bad year to be a Johnson or a Wang.

Alexei Ramirez – Hurt his middle finger and will have X-Rays.  I’m preparing to give him my middle finger if he’s out for an extended time.

Mike Aviles – Out for the season with Tommy John surgery.  As opposed to, out for the season with terrible stats as he had been.

Justin Morneau – Left yesterday’s game with a slight groin pull.  Isn’t that what they booked Pee Wee Herman on?  Word out of the Twin Cities is Morneau should be okay.

Brandon Webb – Here’s the good news, Webb doesn’t need season-ending surgery.  Here’s the bad news, he’s not scheduled to pick up a baseball any time soon.  Everyone’s talking about dropping Peavy, but I’d expect Peavy to return before Webb.

Josh Johnson – 3 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners and 1 debt of gratitude to Badenhop for bailing him out.  Not to be a nervous Nelly and start putting Band-Aids on my face, but I hope Johnson wasn’t lackluster because of any sort of injury.

Leo Nunez – Got the save, Meyer got the vulture win.  Who ya gonna call? Maroone!

Jordan Zimmermann – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 Ks.  Continues to pitch much better than his 4.52 ERA indicates.

James Shields – 7 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 Ks.  Would’ve been too easy to take him out prior to the 8th inning when he had only given up two runs.  *shakes fist at sky*  Maddon!!!

Brad Bergesen – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 Ks, 4 baserunners vs. the Sawx.  High GB %, Low K Rate. Like a featherweight, he doesn’t knock opponents out as much as outlast them and wins on points. That’s serviceable enough if he’s fighting against pushover opponents in friendly confines like the NL West (see Cook, Aaron) but the heavy punchers of the AL East….forget about it.

Koji Uehara – Out with a tear in his elbow.  Punt!

George Sherrill – 2/3 IP, 2 ER.  With the trade deadline less than a month away, Sherrill’s auditioning for the job of Nats closer.

Mike Pelfrey – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 Ks.  Has been terrifically yawnstipating this year, averaging about 5 and two-thirds per start with a 4.26 ERA and 1.44 WHIP and no Ks.

Jason Hammel – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 Ks, 5 baserunners.  Has a 2.13 ERA away from home.  I’ll say it again for the people in the back of the room, 2.13 away from Coors.  Unfortunately, he’s at home for his next three of four starts.

Clayton Kershaw – 5 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit.  Hopefully Kershaw’s niche doesn’t remain these 5 inning affairs.  Don’t want no short stint man.

Juan Rivera – HR yesterday as picks up in July as he was hitting in June, a month that saw him hit 8 homers.  Yes, months can see.

Jered Weaver – 5 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  Ouch.  Wait, what?  Oh.  Ouch.

Vladimir Guerrero – 3-for-4, 0 RBIs, has two homers on the year.  Maicer Izturis has 2 homers on the year.  Cust kayin’.

Yovani Gallardo/Adam Wainwright – Dozen Ks and one earned run a piece as they faced David Wright +8 and The Team That Let Bonds Break Aaron’s Record and Now Karma’s Repaying, respectively.

Johnny Cueto – 6 IP, 0 ER.  Ah, it’s nice to be done with interleague.

Jay Bruce – 0-for-3, batting .212 on the year.  I see what he’s doing.  He’s setting himself up to be a sleeper next year.  Pretty sneaky, Bruce.

Randy Wells – 7 IP, 1 ER.  I thought he was done being productive a few starts ago.  Wells obviously thought different.  He has a solid K to Walk ratio and is worth taking a chance on in 10 team leagues and deeper.

Hank Blalock – 2 HRs, now has 16 on the year as he resumes the role of oft-injured 3rd baseman that has to play DH because he’s oft-injured.

Frank Francisco – 1 IP, 3 ER.  Sure, this is about as much as a limb as John Cusack playing a misfit hipster with a strange job who girls like as a friend until he declares his love in some offbeat fashion, but Francisco’s not right.  I wouldn’t be surprised to see Wilson getting saves again.