Another week, another couple of awful performances from John Axford, who book-cased two perfect saves with blown saves against the Royals and Blue Jays. Coming into the season, Axford was one of the stronger closer options in the game, and was drafted behind only Craig Kimbrel, Mariano Rivera, Jonathan Papelbon, and Brian Wilson on average in preseason drafts.

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R.A. Dickey went seven and a third innings with no runs and eight Ks as he dueled Wang.  Dickey vs. Wang was the greatest sword fight since Steven Seagal and Jean-Claude Van Damme both arrived at the same tanning salon in the late 80′s.  In this game, surprisingly there weren’t that many dribblers through the vas deferns.  Streamers would have to wait until later in the day with Leake.  The game started with the Nats putting a giant zipper in the outfield for each pitcher’s entrance.  Then the knuckleballs came early and often and showed a polished Dickey.

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In 1992, the last time the Astros had a number one draft pick they skipped over Derek Jeter and drafted Phil Nevin.  As they say, the rest is history.  Or as an Astro fan says, “The rest never happened because I became a Texas Rangers fan.  Go Hamilton!”  This year the Astros weren’t letting it happen again.  With their number one pick, they selected 17-year-old shortstop, Carlos Correa.  To put this in fantasy perspective, the Astros took Ramon Castro 17th overall in 1994.

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On Wednesday, Jon Lester gave a line of 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks and I said he found the sweet spot between yawn and ho-hum.  Some runs, bunch of hits and not at all dominating.  It was just another run-of-the-mill start for Lester.  Larry Johnson’s Grandmama could throw that line.  Perhapizzle, I say, speaking like a hip-hop Yoda.  “There is no try, there is only do-izzle and do not-fizzle.”  Yo, Yoda, why you wear your Jedi robe so low?  “Easy access, I like.”  Maybe there was something else to that Lester start.  Maybe, Columbo, things aren’t how they seem.  Maybe I’m holding a container of Colombo yogurt and talking to it.  Don’t judge me, but let’s judge Lester.  That start was also his highest K-rate in one game this year, and he issued no walks.  Some people are talking about how he’s got a new approach.  He’s peacocking without the flair of Ks.  He’s about the pitch-to-contact approach that Charley Lau would’ve enjoyed.  Yeah, let’s take what makes us great and instead pitch so people can hit the ball against The Green Monster.  You don’t need to hit every branch coming down the Rocket Scientist tree to think that makes no sense.  If you have strikeout stuff, you strike people out.  On Wednesday, he did that.  I think that was a corner turned.  June is always his best month, but he usually stays hot in the summer because he likes to keep things appropriate.  I wouldn’t trade a top bat for him, but I think his owners are concerned and I’d definitely buy him for the right price.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Andrelton Simmons – Speaking of Star Wars, this guy’s first name sounds like a planet in one of those made up galaxies that Lucas sold at auction for $150,000.  “Now up for bid, an imaginary planet in the Arkanis sector of the Outer Rim Territories.  Do I hear one hundred thousand?  We have a bid from the forty-something year old man with acne.  No, not you, sir, the man next to you.”  Simmons had 26 steals last year in High-A and 10 steals this year in Double-A through 43 games.  He doesn’t look like he has burner speed, but in shallower leagues and very deep leagues I’d take a chance on him.  I say those two types of leagues because in one options are so abundant that it’s good to take a flyer on someone for a week.  If they take off, great!  If they don’t, there’s other options and what did you miss?  A week of EverCab?  Big whoop.  In very deep leagues, you take him because your other options are Daniel Descalso.

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When Sveum told Rafael Dolis that they need him to fill in for Carlos Marmol, he took them way too literally.  “So you don’t want me to walk everyone while blowing games?  Totally mi mal!”  That was Rafael Dolis talking through his translator who speaks Spanglish.  “Can we get a translator who speaks English and Spanish…Separately!”  That’s Sveum losing his shizz.

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I almost made Tim Lincecum today’s Buy.  His FIP really isn’t bad.  He just always seems to have one bad inning.  His numbers with men in scoring position:  .346/.471/.547 vs. .243/.313/.379 with none on.  But I’m not going to tell you to Buy Lincecum.  I’m not sticking my neck out for him!  He smokes marijuana!  Now, Roy Oswalt I can get lukewarm about!  How’s dem apples?  Mildly delicious!  You do have to think Lincecum can come around though, right?  Forget him!  We’re through talking about him.  We’re talking about that handsome man riding a tractor, wearing $400 overalls.  “Roy, when you chew straw, you ever feel like neighing?”  “Never, Billy.”  That’s Roy talking to Billy, who lives next door from him, and they share a special bond because their bathroom windows face each other from across the yard.  It’s like American Beauty, but less beauty and more horses.  American Black Beauty, that’s what they call it.  But, really, don’t you think Lincecum’s at least worth a roll of the die if you can get him cheap enough?  Forget Lincecum!  We’re not talking about him.  We are talking about Roy Oswalt.  Yeah, he’s about to sign with someone.  I think he can get around a 3.75 ERA, solid WHIP and a 7-ish K-rate, i.e., AKA, vis-à-vis, ergo, henceforth, where’d the rest of this sentence go, a number four fantasy starter.  But what about Lincecum?!  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Elliot Johnson – He’s 28 years old.  I can almost guarantee you his parents named him after the kid in E.T.  While Longoria is on Reese’s, Elliot’s piecing together a solid couple of weeks.  What?  Terrible?

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