The other day the Astros signed the coveted Cuban refugee, Yulieski Gourriel.  One time!  Yulieski is as apple pie as a Canadian tenor group making a political statement during the All-Star Game.  He’s 32 years old.  If he went by YuGo, that would make him the newest car in Cuba.  “Bueno Model T, amigo!  Now, tell me about this Ford Taurus I hear so much about.”  You know who a 32-year-old Cuban immediately reminds me of?  Hector Olivera and Alex Guerrero.  Sloppy comparison maybe.  Hey, that gives me an idea.  Whenever doing a sloppy comparison between players who just happen to be Cuban, we should call them Sloppy Jose’s.  We need a similar term for when making a sloppy comparison between Japanese players; please suggest in the comments.  As for Gourriel, yeah, I don’t see much here.  I watched video of him, and he looks like a 15 HR, 6 SB, .260 hitter, which is Hector Olivera.  I’m sorry, but those Sloppy Joses make sense sometimes.  This Gourriel signing obviously delays Bregman’s arrival, so boo, you mothereffer, boo.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Welcome, prematurely balding men and five women who are married to prematurely balding men and decided if you can’t beat them, join them!  Make yourself comfortable, this is gonna be a long post.  Here, enjoy some coffee.  Oops, you just drank rat poison.  Don’t worry, it can’t be worse than owning Chris Archer in the 1st half.  Oh, you owned him and that’s why you drank the poison!  Now, I’m following!   Hey, I’m supposed to be leading!  Before we get into the top 100 for the 2nd half of 2016 fantasy baseball, let’s just be glad our 18-year-old selves can’t see us now, we’d get beat up!  But our twelve-year-old selves would think we’re the coolest!  So, as with all of the other 2016 fantasy baseball rankings, take this list with a grain of salt.  If you need a 2nd baseman, but an outfielder is above him that doesn’t mean you can’t trade that outfielder for that 2nd baseman.  Also, things change in fantasy baseball.  Daily.  I could put Bryce Harper number two on the top 100 list for the second half of 2016 and he could pull a–Well, we won’t even mention an injury with Bryce.  Why soil a good thing, ya know?  This list is a road map for where I think guys are valued.  It’s not the Holy Grail in the Church of Grey, that would be my mustache.  This list is NOT (caps for emphasis, not aesthetics) where I see guys ending up if you were to take their first half and combine it with the 2nd half. This is simply a list of the top hundred fantasy baseball players if you were to pick them up today.  So while David Price did not have the greatest first half, he will appear on this list because I still believe.  The projections are not their combined 1st half and 2nd half numbers; these are their projections for the 2nd half of 2016.  I also liberally used our rest of the season Fantasy Baseball Player Rater.  That’s right, we have a Player Rater that tells you what players will do.  It’s like that camera from The Twilight Zone.  Welcome to the future!  Anyway, here’s the top 100 for fantasy baseball for the 2nd half of 2016:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

A dollar doesn’t buy you much anymore in this world. It’s disappointing how much the value of the dollar has diminished over the last many years. I gave a bank teller a George Washington and he handed me back 90 cents. Who am I to argue with a teller. I gave a homeless woman a dollar the other day and she called me a pathetic cheapskate. Did she really have to use the word “pathetic”? Even the Wu Tang Clan is looking to replace the words dollar bill from C.R.E.A.M. Is the dollar on life support? I just don’t know. But I’ll tell you one thing a dollar can buy you… fantasy baseball players that will make you the owner of a first place team.

Rostering only players that cost $1, including players that were not drafted at all, I could easily assemble a first place team. I’m including players that were not drafted because they could have been for a dollar. I realize that hindsight is 20/20, but let me show you what $10 could have gotten you in your 2016 fantasy baseball auction draft…

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Happy Fourth of July!  Hopefully most of you are enjoying the day off, but like taxes and money, DK never sleeps.  Today I’m rolling with two starting pitchers that have actually received a little extra rest over the last week Matt Harvey, $7,000 vs Miami and Lance McCullers, $8,800 vs Seattle.  We’re almost halfway through the season and my regular fantasy teams are falling apart with injuries, so every bit helps at this point.   I think that the little breather that both of these guys got will give them that extra edge we need to cash in today.  McCullers was dealing with a blister and last pitched on the 22nd, so he should be ready to go today.  Over his last 7 starts he’s averaging over 7 K’s per game while keeping his ERA at a respectable 3.00.  I was pretty shocked to see Harvey at 7K today, but I’m never one to shy away from a discount.  His last start got cut short by a rain delay, so I’m banking that he got some extra work in this week to tweak his mechanics.  Harvey has been not been anything close to the Ace that we’re used to, but he’s playing at home and Citi Field is going to be rocking today.  A perfect storm for the Dark Knight to rise up for the Fourth.

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond?  Well reserve your spot in the 25 Team Razzball Exclusive League set to run Monday July 4th to wet your DK whistle.  Just remember to sign up through us before you do.  Wanna know what the best part is about signing up with us? The free subscription for the rest of the season to our DFSBot, that’s what! For details on the how to, please visit our Razzball Subscriptions page.

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The day before our Independence Day, the Nationals exploded for six home runs, a fireworks display that would make the Grucci family jealous.   The Grucci fireworks family has a fascinating history.  Giuseppe Grucci in 1923 said to his momma, “I don’t want to be a two-bit gangster, cutting peoples’ fingers off for debt payment, I want to blow up thousands of fingers all across this great nation.”  Then his mother smacked him and told him to finish his lasagna.  Yesterday, Bryce Harper (2-for-4) hit his 17th homer, Wilson Ramos (3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 13th, Anthony Rendon (2-for-3, 2 runs) hit his 8th, but at the heart of the fireworks celebration was Danny Espinosa (4-for-5, 6 RBIs) with his 17th and 18th home run, and his 4th and 5th homers in the last four games.  For those of you who think he’s a weekend hot bat, he hit .309 with nine homers in June.  He’s only 29 years old and he is a guy that has seasons of 20+ homers and 20 steals.  So, yes, you should own him.  Fun fact!  Did you know what they call a fireworks display on July 3rd?  A premature ejacu-elation.   Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Yesterday, Noah Syndergaard admitted to having an elbow bone spur after denying it multiple times.  Terry Collins said, “No one would know our business if it wasn’t for giving the PR job to a puppy dog!  Ruff ruff!  Come here, Fido, I wanna spank you with a rolled up newspaper!”  This is the 2nd Mets’ starter in two days with elbow spurs.  I look forward to the opening round of the playoffs when all of the Mets’ starters are wearing Iron Mike Sharpe elbow pads to hold their arms together.  Or they hire John Cusack to marionette their starters.  So, this is obviously not good news from Syndergaard, but it’s also not the end of his season.  He could opt for surgery if he’s in pain, but he says he’s not in pain (though, he also said he didn’t have elbow spurs up until yesterday).  Jon Lester has pitched through elbow spurs for the last five years.  It’s not uncommon for starters to power through.  Would I look to sell Syndergaard low?  No.  If you can get a healthy, similar starter, then sure, why not?  No reason to panic.  Unless Syndergaard starts wearing cowboy boots on his elbow.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Yesterday, Brian Dozier went 3-for-4, 4 RBIs with two homers (11, 12).  Dozier’s quietly had a great June (7 HRs, near-.350), after having a miserable May (2 HRs, .215) and an atrocious April (3 HRs, .191).  Who knows what July holds?  Which sounds like the title for a piece of art done by Daniel Johnston.  Let’s see, Daniel Johnston describing Dozier.  “June is Fun!  Fun!  Fun!  If I ever thought I could be happy, it was from Dozier.  Fun!  Fun!  Fun!  Oh!  That rock and roll!  It saves my soul!  Owning Dozier in June, it must’ve been a happy time, Kool Aid flowing like wine, the bubble gum, forever-ever-ever-ever-ever-ever after!  Now I will get on a random bus in Austin and ride to New Mexico.”  Oh, Daniel Johnston, you were taken from us way too soon.  *sees he’s still alive*  Okay, moving on.  So, Dozier has turned his season around and is close to the same pace as his previous season stats (28 HRs, 12 SBs).  Moreover, Dozier has cut his Ks by a lot, so he could hit for a better average this year (.250 vs. .235).  Daniel Johnston might be onto something.  About fun, fun fun not about getting on random buses.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Matt Shoemaker, $9,900, AKA The Cobbler, came out of no where and put up some Ace like numbers in the second half of 2014. He went 9-2, striking out 62 batters in 72 innings, all while posting a nice and tidy 1.87 ERA. I was one of the lucky ones that scooped him up and I road that train all the way to multiple Title Towns. In 2015 he was one Grey’s preseason favorites and then he did his best Francisco Liriano impression, but seemingly nose dived 5 times harder. It was tough to watch as he still held a special place in my heart, just like Kris Medlen of 2012, Kendrys Morales and Dallas Keuchel circa 2015. Unfortunately, the long ball absolutely crippled The Cobbler last year, as he coughed up 24 HR’s in just 134 innings of work. In May of 2015, I said my farewells to The Cobbler and bid him adieu. This year started out no different than 2015, as he had a terrible April posting a 9.15 ERA while giving up 6 HR in just 20 innings. With those type of numbers I figured he was going to get sent down to the minors, but the Angels pitching staff was so bad that they actually needed someone to eat up innings. Then halfway through May something magical happened. I can’t explain it as there haven’t been any injury reports, but I do have a theory. Late one May night, amid the thick Anaheim fog, the Disney Pixie’s awoke from their two year slumber and visited The Cobbler, just like they did in 2014. They sprinkled him with some special Pixie Dust shizz and then he went out and pitched an absolute gem against a tough Baltimore offense going 7.1 innings with 12 K’s and 0 ER. The mysterious missing magic was back in his next start vs Houston going 8.1 innings with 11 K’s and 0 ER. He’s returned to the circle of trust as he’s been solid over his last 7 starts, striking out 62 in just 51.2 innings while posting a 2.11 ERA vs some strong AL opponents. I don’t know how long the magic dust is going to last this time, but he’s limiting the long ball and I like him tonight at home. He’s facing a tough offensive Houston Astros team tonight, but they’re also the number 3 in strikeouts vs RHP.

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well reserve your spot in the 25 Team Razzball Exclusive League set to run today to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

My Spanish is more than rusty, so I apologize if I failed to offend you with my title. Actually I don’t apologize. Now have I offended you? Who cares. I realize it should have been “Aquí Viene Ramos”, but my way sounds much better. More Dr. Seuss if you will. I feel like it’s time for some points league rankings. Who doesn’t love rankings? The best part about writing this column is that if I feel like it’s time for a rankings post, I write a rankings post. Who’s gonna stop me. I guess Grey could, but if I fly in under the greydar, then I should be ok. Today’s rankings are based 70 percent on year-to-date performance, 30 percent on rest of season projections and 10 percent on experimental formulas. Yes, I realize that adds up to 110 percent, but that’s part of what makes it experimental.

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I’ve never had the privilege of posting Sunday, so forgive as I couldn’t resist the Mega Monster Truck lead in.  With truck names like Demon Seed, Ball Buster and Dutch Oven how can you not get fired up for Sunday!  Now that we’re fired up, let’s talk about the Monster Arms that are on the schedule for today.  Clayton Kershaw, $14,200 at Pittsburgh, Johnny Cueto, $13,600 vs Philadelphia, Jose Fernandez $13,100 vs Chicago, Chris Sale, $12,400 vs Toronto, and Justin Verlander, $10,700 vs Cleveland.  Aces are wild today, so who do we roll with in order to cash in?  Honestly you can’t go wrong with any of the top 3, but I’m leaning towards Cueto & JFer, as I think most people will roster Kershaw and I love the match-ups at home.  JFer has been straight nasty in his last 8 games, going 6-1 with a 1.16 ERA and 78 K’s in just 54 innings.  Yeah, he’s back folks and he’s facing a slumping Cubbies lineup that’s dropped 5 of their last 6 games. Now that all the Aces have been dealt, who can we roster so we can go all in?

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well reserve your spot in the 25 Team Razzball Exclusive League set to run Monday June 27th to wet your DK whistle.  It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

Please, blog, may I have some more?