Fantasy Baseball Advice

Trevor Hoffman has been lights out all year.  Maybe he jumped in the Cocoon pool.  Octavio Dotel?  The post office said they’re going to a five day week because of cutbacks and the amount of fan mail coming in for Dotel.  Now hold the preceding up to a mirror.  Dotel as a Pirate has done nothing except plunder his fantasy owners’ goodwill.  Even Roger ain’t Jolly.  The Hoff looks drunk.  And Trevor too.  The pickups for this duo of dud is Carlos Villanueva, Joel Hanrananananan, Brendan Donnelly, Evan Meek, Hawkins, Coffey, Shelley Duvall, the guy at Subway that kinda skeeves you out, the Polish Sausage in the 7th inning stretch race and Cher.  Pick them up in that order.  For full disclosure, I grabbed Hanaranananan because Villanueva was taken in all of my leagues.  I didn’t go deeper than that.  Some shituations just aren’t worth the ulcer.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Garrett Jones – 2-for-7, 1 RBI.  After his first four at-bats yielded 4 Ks, Robot really turned it on.  Fool him 5 times, shame on Robot.

Andrew McCutchen – 4-for-7 and 2 homers for The Dread Pirate.  Now has 3 homers and 10 steals as he bats .303.  This might come as heresy, but The Dread Pirate could be a 3rd rounder next year.

Juan Gutierrez – Converted his first save.  Qualls was unavailable even though he hadn’t been used in two days.  I’m suspicious.  And, yes, I’m wearing a monocle.  Closers don’t just turn up unavailable in a one run game.  There’s something here.  I’d own Gutierrez over the Villanueva crapfecta that was listed in the lead-in.

Kelly Johnson – Hit his 8th homer of the year to lead the major leagues.  I pushed everyone to draft this guy from the moment he was traded to the Diamondbacks.  Where’s the love?!

Carlos Gonzalez – Hit his third homer and stole his third base.  It’s weird, it’s almost like he wants to get to 20/20 in the same game.

Dexter Fowler – 3-for-6, homer and a steal.  Love that, love the Rockies.  I am Eskimo kissing my fantasy baseball team.

Chris Coghlan – 2-for-4, I don’t even like him, but he appeared in last week’s Buy/Sell as a Buy and he’s now hitting, like, .300 for the last five days.  BTW, Rudy just traded Cody Ross for Coghlan in his NL-Only league.  Rudy also traded in his Winger CDs for a previously worn Band-Aid.  Doode’s a trading machine!

Jorge Cantu – 1-for-3 with his 5th homer as he took the lead in the National League in RBIs.  He’ll be in tomorrow’s Buy/Sell on the right side, which is oddly enough the wrong side.  Speaking of Sells…

Max Scherzer – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  Yup.

Brandon Inge – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs with a homer.  He hits ‘em in bunches.  Now has a bunch of three in the last 3 games.

Scott Baker – 4 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners.  Last year, his 1st half ERA was 5.42 compared to 3.28 in the 2nd half.  Maybe he just takes forever to get going.  Whatever the case, I’d look elsewhere.  Not that you need me to tell you, but Baker’s cooked.

James Shields – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 12 Ks.  Shields pitches well in Florida.  He do what he do.  In the preseason, I absolutely refused to own Shields because of his soul-crushing 2009.  I figured I could get out without any regrets.  Of course, Shields has pitched well and threw a wrench in those plans.  Sonavawrench!

Jon Lester – Threw a seven inning one-hitter with 11 Ks.  Last Friday, I wrote, “If (Lester) doesn’t bounce back this week, he’ll probably have the lead-in of the Buy section next Friday.  Go and get Lester now!”  Too late.

Jake Fox – Caught his 5th game yesterday.  I haven’t talked much about him because he’s hitting .175 with one homer.  Worth noting though in AL-Only and 2 catcher leagues.

Cole Hamels – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 Ks, 13 baserunners as he took your WHIP for a ghost ride.

Ryan Madson – Blew the save and got the Win.  Such a Cuddle Boy move.

Jimmy Rollins – Began a running program. The name of the program is, “J-Roll Rolls.”  Some discarded titles were, “Hurry, Juan Castro Is Starting,” “You Were Drafted In The 2nd Round In Fantasy, Doesn’t That Mean Anything To You?” and “It’s Always Runny In Philadelphia.”

Luis Atilano – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners.  He has 5 walks and 2 Ks in 12 innings.  Don’t even think about picking him up.

Matt Capps – Capps has been quite possibly the only closer to, ya know, convert a save all year as he picked up his 10th save yesterday.  SPOILER ALERT:  In next week’s Closer Look, Capps is crowned a Donkeycorn.

Ryan Zimmerman – Hey, I ain’t mad at cha, but how about you just go on the DL?

Jaime Garcia – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Now has a 1.04 ERA on the year.  No reason why he shouldn’t be owned in all leagues at this point.

Mike Leake – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I’m not as bullish on Leake as I am on Garcia.  Leake’s walks are a mess.  Currently, he’s rocking a 18:15 K:BB.  Rocky road ahead, use caution.

Ryan Dempster – 8 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Now has a 2.78 ERA on the year.  He’s been a tad lucky with men on base.  (BTW, Tad Lucky would be an awesome male porn star name.)  Dempster’s probably closer to a mid- to high-3 ERA guy.  He’s no Carlos Silva, that’s for sure.  Take that however you want.

Chris Young – Had his rehab start pushed back due to achiness.  Uh-oh, someone call the giraffe doctor.

Robinson Cano – 2-for-5 as he hit his 6th homer and bats near .400.  Not to totally flip you out, but this great April is coming from a guy who’s usually a slow starter.  Yo, Big Chief Lambreaux, let’s start a parade!

Jorge Posada – After getting hit on the knee, Posada was lifted from the game by Girardi.  Weird, cause Girardi doesn’t even look that strong.  Posada will probably only miss a game or two.

Gordon Beckham – Got the night off to get his head straight.  Ozzie announced the move on his Twitter account by saying, “Something stinks.  Not fingers.  It’s Beckham.  He sits.”

Rich Harden – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners with 5 BBs and only 2 Ks.  Since you read Razzball, you probably don’t own Harden.  Good for you, because even the starts where he limits runs don’t look right.  If you can somehow confuse someone in your league that this was a good start, trade Harden.

Neftali Feliz – 1 IP, 2 ER and the save.  This save actually makes me want to own Frank-Frank more.

Matt Kemp – In the NL, he’s tied for 2nd in homers with 7.  He’s tied for 3rd in RBIs with 20.  He’s batting .292.  Why am I telling you this?  Because yesterday Dodgers GM Ned Colletti said, “(Kemp’s defense is) below-average.  If this is the last day of the season and people are voting for the Gold Glove, his name is not even on the ballot.”  Yeah, he’s no ex-Colletti signee, Juan Pierre.  What a putz.

John Ely – 6 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He looks pretty average.  Dropped about a K/IP as he moved up in the minors, which puts him around a 6 K/9 in the majors if the trend continues.  His control should be better than he showed in yesterday’s game, but still he’s an avoid outside of deep NL-Only leagues.  On the bright side, he has better hair than Dennis Farina.

Ike Davis – 2-for-4 with his 6th RBI and now is batting .355 since his call up.  Maybe Ike is a slap hitter.

John Maine – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Well, it is blueberry season in Maine.  I don’t buy this start.  Have Maine call me in 2011 and I’ll reevaluate.

Jose Reyes – I was watching the Mets game yesterday and Pagan and Cora came up and then Reyes came up and I was like, “Where’s the pitcher between Cora and Reyes?”  Interesting experiment, Mets.  Now fix your lineup!  I mean, I’ve heard of batting the pitcher 8th, but I’ve never heard of batting the bottom of your order at the top.  Stop making me think there was a double switch in the 1st inning.

Miguel Montero is out with a torn meniscus.  I can think of other cuss words that his owners may be thinking right now.  A knee problem seems like a bad thing for a guy who’s supposed to be crouching for 9 innings.  Like a can’t-Catch 22.  Montero was a popular sleeper pick to enter the premium catcher tier of Mauer/Martinez/McCann after a strong 2nd half, but the only thing he’ll have in common is the M factor.  It’s unclear if he’ll be out for at least a month or longer.  Either way, Snyder now has a full time gig.  And that’s about where the good news ends.  Don’t get caught up in the Montero afterglow.  Snyder has a career .233 average in over fourteen hundred at-bats and averages about 15 homers over a full season of ABs.  So, ya know, you can probably do better even if Chris Snyder hit a homer yesterday with 5 RBIs in Arizona’s blowout (last time Arizona scored that much on Pittsburgh was the Super Bowl).  Actually, Snyder’s a surefire top 10 catcher if he gets 100 more games against the Pirates.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Frank Francisco – I go about buying closers like I buy wine.  I pick up a closer.  Swirl it around in my glass, take a quick waft and whiff then I guzzle it.  Two Buck Chuck tastes the same to me as a twenty-year-old Bordeaux.  In fact, I don’t even know if a twenty-year-old Bordeaux is good.  I’m guessing and too lazy to Google it.  I’ll drink a red wine with chicken, a Chardonnay with a Nathan all-beef frank.  Doesn’t matter to me.  Mad Dog 20/20 and ice passes the “cheap and it will get me drunk” test.  So it’s only natural I ended up with a bunch of cheap closers.  Frank-Frank was one of them.  Belch.  Frank² is out for the near future in favor of Neftali Feliz.  Could Feliz run with the job and end up having it all year?  Yup.  Frank-Frank went womp-womp.  I wouldn’t drop Francisco yet, except in the shallowest of leagues.

Ryan Zimmerman – Hamstring issue and he’s going to miss a few days.  Adam Kennedy will finally get his chance to show that his 4617 career at-bats were a fluke.

Brian Roberts – Expects to miss about a week with a strained abdominal muscle.  That’s the good news.  The bad news is it really feels like this is headed to be a mess of a season for Roberts.  First the back, now the abdominal, next you’re looking at your fantasy team in September and wondering why you ever held onto Roberts.  At the first sign of good news, I’d look to move him.

Mike Gonzalez – You know when you’re trying to do your friends a solid by giving them a ride home when they’re drunk and then they vomit in your car and your car smells like vomit for years later reminding you that it’s always better to be the drunken idiot than the designated driver?  Vomit in this case has been Mike Gonzalez’s pitching for the last week.  The car in this case has been your team ERA.  A few times on site I told you about my concerns with Gonzalez.  Managers don’t like lefties as their closer.  Jim Johnson is a must own and, unfortunately, Gonzalez is a must hold for now.  He’ll be given a few, much needed days off.

Aaron Hill – Out until early this week with a sore hammy, which sounds like Ms. Piggy right before she hi-yah’s.

Travis Snider – Looks like a three outcome player:  ground into DP, strikeout, pop-up.

Kevin Gregg – Picked up two saves this weekend because the Jays had five save chances in the last five games.  Frasor’s still the closer, but this makes it obvious who the Jays would turn to in the event Frasor losses his shizz.  But if the Jays turned to Gregg then the Jays would lose their shizz and then the closer job would be up in the air again.  Anyway, it’s still Frasor.

Roy Halladay – Zero earned runs and 8 Ks vs. an Astros lineup which featured Cory Sullivan as their three hitter.  The Astros would’ve been better off if they auto-drafted.

Brad Lidge – Hit hard in his rehab start.  Ma nishtanah…

Charlie Haeger – 6 IP, 3 ER.  He had 12 Ks, but Haegar’s day wasn’t wrinkle-free.   He throws a knuckler and you can never trust a knuckleballer.  Some days Haeger will throw 12 Ks, other days he’ll give up 7 runs in two innings.

Franklin Gutierrez – 2-for-4 as he bats .444 with 2 steals.  He’s now batting 3rd vs. lefties and 4th vs. righties.  The Big FraGu is headed for top 40 outfielder value this year.  I own him on multiple teams if that makes it less awkward for you.

Josh Willingham – 2-for-3, 5 RBIs yesterday after he was invigorated with his appearance in Friday’s Buy/Sell on the right side, which is the left.

Johan Santana – 5 IP, 5 ER, 3 Ks vs. the Nats.  Okay, the Nats are better on offensive than they’ve been, but in Metco?  Seriously?

Jeff Francoeur – 2-for-3, hitting .476 on the year.  I’m guessing that comes down.  But he’s still only 26-years-old.  If this is indeed his coming out party, it would be more shocking than Ricky Martin’s, but not completely shocking.

Chipper Jones – Glass Chipper’s return date was pushed when he hurt his back testing his strained oblique.  Chipper’s like a giant injury domino.

Clay Buchholz – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K as he squeaked out the win.  Wasn’t a great start vs. the Royals.  I’d hold onto him for another couple of starts and hope for the best against the Rays next time out.

Jacoby Ellsbury – Left the game with a rib injury.  Reminded me of this time I was at Tony Roma’s… Oh, wait.  Ellsbury’s day-to-day as of post time, but I won’t blink until I get an update (because I’ll be sleeping).

Scott Podsednik – 2-for-4, 2 steals.  Now has 4 steals on the year.  SAGNOF!

Jose Guillen – 2-for-4 with 2 HRs while Billy Butler had one WTF (warning track fly).

Mike Leake – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 Ks, 11 baserunners with 7 BBs.  Dusty, the Übermensch, limited Leake to 106 pitches.  Don’t think Leake can be relied on to not roofie you, but in the right matchups and deep enough leagues, I’d look at him.

Aroldis Chapman – Struck out 9 in four and two-thirds in Triple A.  Aroldis can have a 2009 Tommy Hanson-type impact when he’s called up.  Expect the phone to ring around June.

Chris Perez – 1 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, blown save.  Four walks and a wild pitch.  Hey, Mike Gonzalez, that’s not how you blow a save, this is how you blow a save.

Grady Sizemore – Scratched on Sunday due to back tightness.  See, I usually do that for back itchiness.  Sizemore should be fine this week.

Trevor Hoffman – 1 IP, 3 ER with the blown save.  I’ve had Frank-Frank, a Mike G. disjoint and Hoffman brain freezes on multiple teams.  Rub your Razzhands together and send me the strength.

Justin Verlander – 5 IP, 6 ER, 3 Ks.  Can’t someone sneak into Verlander’s hotel room and switch all his calenders to May?

Lastings Milledge – 3-for-5, but not so much about what he did yesterday.  He’s now hitting third in the lineup.  Deep leagues, you could do worse.

Kelly Johnson – HR yesterday, hitting near .400 over the first week of the season.  He’ll be batting in the top half of the order by next week.

Krispie Young – HR yesterday.  TCBY — what’s that stand for, you ask?  It stands for That’s Chris B. Young.  We’re not talking about fro-yo, yo.  Own Krispie, immediately.

Scott Kazmir – Set to return Thursday vs. the Yankees.  Guy can’t even get injured right.  He can’t have a small setback and return right after the Yankees series?

Jake Fox – Unathletic like a Fox got the start at catcher on Sunday.  Four more to go for eligibility in Yahoo leagues.  Probably will happen by mid-May.

Carlos Gonzalez – Left the game with hamstring tightness.  Jim Tracy yanked Fowler off of chatroulette and inserted him into the game.  Fowler might see more action if CarGo is a no go.

Miguel Olivo – 2-for-4 with a homer and a steal yesterday.  This came a day after Iannetta homered.  This looks like a straight timeshare with both guys getting 15+ homers and 300 ABs.  I’m running both guys out there in separate leagues.  It don’t matter, just don’t fight it.

Barry Bonds – Said he was proud of McGwire’s return to baseball.  That’s the Bad Housekeeping Seal of Approval.

Chase Headley – 2-for-4 as he bats .440 in the first week.  I’m Drooly McDroolystein for this guy right now, but the real test will come in home games.  The real test comes this week.

Chris Young – Still feels soreness in shoulder and will now go on the DL.  It’s unfortunate there’s only one doctor in the San Diego area tall enough to treat him and he’s busy doing a tonsillectomy on a giraffe at the San Diego Zoo.

I know most of you are champing/chomping at the bit for me to finish these facacta 2010 fantasy baseball rankings.  Well, the pitchers are right around the corner.  Some of these top 80 outfielders for 2010 fantasy baseball are long shots to make the club, but they might give you value if they do.  Or they might just give you value when they’re called up in the summer.  As Kanye West said, I’ll show you how I cook up summer in the win-turr.  As with the other rankings, where I see tiers start and stop are mentioned with my projections.  Anyway, here’s the top 80 outfielders for 2010 fantasy baseball:

61. Krispie Young – This is the first tier.  This tier goes from here until Francoeur.  I call this tier, “The few veteran outfielders I’d take a flier on late, and even these guys leave a lot to be desired.”  If Krispie hits a third of his infield pop-ups for homers next year, he’ll hit 40.  And if I were 30 years old in 1760, I’d think Martha Washington was hot.  2010 Projections:  60/20/75/.245/15

62. Nick Swisher – Swisher reminds me of a just-post-roided Giambi.  25+ homers and a poor average.  What I sorta like about him?  I feel like he can hit 35 homers.  Hard to find that late.  2010 Projections:  80/30/90/.255

63. Delmon Young – The fact that he’s only 24 and he ended up in the veteran outfielders that are kind eh category is both the good and bad.  The good, his tools can still develop.  The bad, what’s taking so effin’ long?  2010 Projections:  55/17/75/.290/7

64. Lastings Milledge – Three short years ago Mets fans were debating if the organization should unretire number 41 in case Milledge wanted to wear it.  Now, the Pirates are debating between Milledge and Brandon Moss in the outfield.  Milledge will only be 25 in 2010 so you shouldn’t write him off… Just don’t write him in with ink.  2010 Projections:  60/12/70/.265/12

65. Jeff Francoeur – It’s only fair that you know that I placed Frenchy in the below tier of guys I don’t want at all then moved him up to this tier… Then down… Then up.  Just don’t want you to feel flimflammed on my Frenchy flip-floppery.  (<–Alliteration in lieu of wit.)  2010 Projections:  75/20/85/.275/5

66. Juan Rivera – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Willingham.  I call this tier, “Guys that you draft that you shouldn’t.”  What I mean with this tier, you’re better off just taking a flier on upside.  Willingham, Ross, Rivera, et al are guys that are always on waivers.  Maybe not them per se, but guys that do exactly the same thing.  If you don’t get Willingham in a draft, so what?  You can get ten other guys off of waivers that do the same thing.  2010 Projections:  65/24/75/.280

67. Cody Ross – Something about a player with two first names that always translates to boring.  If you’re able to draft Ross and hold him for longer than a week of the season, you have more patience than me.  His 25 homers and 5 steals and .270 average look okay on draft day, but there’s always someone who breaks out the first week of the season and Ross is the first one to go.  2010 Projections:  65/22/75/.265/5

68. David DeJesus – Someone save us from this tier.  2010 Projections:  80/12/60/.280/7

69. Jermaine Dye – Just when you thought this tier couldn’t get yawnstipating-er.  2010 Projections:  70/22/85/.260

70. Josh Willingham -  The best thing I can say about Willingham is that he’s the last name in this tier.  2010 Projections:  60/24/70/.255/3

71. Cameron Maybin – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until the end.  I call this tier, “These guys may not even have a starting job.  So?”  When you’re this deep into a position, you’re better off taking a flier on upside.  I’ll give you an example to explain my point.  Jason Heyward starts the season hot.  Hits 5 homers and steals 4 bases in April.  You can trade him for someone that far exceeds his value.  Juan Rivera starts the season hot.  He hits 7 homers in April.  You know who you can trade him to?  His Moms.  That’s about it.  Do I want an outfield of Heyward, Maybin and Stanton?  Maybe in 2012.  No way for this year.  re: Maybin; If you’ve been reading the site for longer than a minute — not an Urban Dictionary minute which is actually a long time — you’ll know I was crushing hard on Maybin last year.  Nothing’s changed except his shoulder’s healed and he’s a year more seasoned like that beef stew in the back of your fridge.  I’m everywhere!  2010 Projections:  85/14/50/.285/20

72. Jake Fox – His projections are over at the top 20 3rd basemen for 2010 fantasy baseball.

73. Jason Heyward – Went over my Jason Heyward fantasy there.  2010 Projections:  65/12/70/.290/20

74. Desmond Jennings – Went over Desmond Jennings fantasy there.  2010 Projections:  75/7/45/.285/25

75. Austin Jackson – Jackson is supposedly going to be the starting center fielder for the Tigers.  He’s shown a lot more speed than power in the minor leagues and that shouldn’t disappear in the majors.  His .300 average in Triple-A looks like an aberration.  He’s liable to get exploited on breaking stuff.  A .250-.260 average wouldn’t surprise me.  Watching Leyland run Clete Thomas and Raburn out there in 2009 without much to show for it makes methinks Jackson will not only be the starting center fielder but he’ll probably lead off.  2010 Projections:  85/5/50/.275/22

76. Michael Taylor – Went over my Michael Taylor fantasy already.  2010 Projections:  85/12/60/.280/15

77. Kyle Blanks – Blanks, the love child of Fabulous Moolah and Kamala, the Ugandan Giant, naturally has some power in his ginourmous frame.  He should get to 25 homers easily and the average probably won’t be as bad as you might think for an all-or-nothing-type.  2010 Projections:  60/30/85/.270/3

78. Matt LaPorta – I’m real worried about the hip surgery he had in October.  He’s much younger than most guys who have this surgery — by about 50 years — but still any time you go messing with a guy’s hip I think there has to be some residual soreness or so I saw on House.  Have to watch in Spring Training to see how he’s coping.  2010 Projections:  65/17/80/.275

79. Gerardo Parra – For Parra to get near 25 steals, he’d probably get thrown out 30 times.  Cust kayin’.  2010 Projections:  75/10/60/.295/10

80. Ryan Raburn – With Fowler and CarGo, the Rockies are the fantasy sleeper outfield of 2010.  With Austin Jackson and Raburn, the Tigers want that title.  In 2006 and 2007, Raburn put up numbers in Triple-A (averaged 18 homers and 14 steals) that put him on the map.  Then, in 261 ABs last year, he had 16 homers and 5 steals.  Even though Ryan Raburn sounds like someone that should be dating Angela Lansbury, he has some upside and Leyland seems committed to giving him a chance. 2010 Projections: 65/22/75/.265/10 <–  crazy optimistic, but whatever.

After the top 80 outfielders for 2010 fantasy baseball, there’s really not that many guys, but here’s two to look at:

Michael Saunders – Probably won’t play unless Bradley’s hurt… Oh, wait a minute, Bradley’s always hurt.  Saunders looks like a poor man’s FraGu.  Slight power, Slight speed.  Best case scenario, 15/15.  One thought, if Saunders was a solid prospect, why wasn’t he traded to the Orioles?  2010 Projections:  55/12/65/.275/15

Seth Smith – Man, I got it bad for the Rockies outfield this year (except Hawpe. Hmm… Guess that means I only like 2 out of 3.  Nevertheless!).  If Smith can somehow corral 450 ABs, he could get to 20+ homers and 10+ steals.  It’s a longshot that is predicated on playing time. Predicated-schedicated…  Get rid of Hawpe!  2010 Projections:  60/15/75/.290/10 with plenty of upside from there, but he needs a starting job.

Usually on Fridays the royal we brings you fantasy baseball keepers, but we interrupt your regularly scheduled programming for Jake Fox, the man who made the phrase “Unathletic like a fox” almost make sense.  Looks like the Cubs decided to unload their DH since they play in the National League, sending Jake Fox and Aaron Miles for Jeff Gray.  ($5 says the Cubs had Milton Bradley change his name to Aaron Miles to get rid of him.)  Now the A’s reporters can find and replace Cust’s name for Fox’s and just recycle old articles.  “Jack Cust Jake Fox homered and struckout in the A’s four-run seventh inning.”  Since Jake Fox has 3rd base eligibility in fantasy, it doesn’t really matter where the A’s play him.  DH him all you want.  Like a Newport cigarette, Jake Fox is now alive with pleasure.  Should now get 500 ABs.  This will either be terrific or all the people who were screaming to let The Fox out of his cage will suddenly realize The Fox needs to go back in the cage for batting practice.  I’m on the fence for how it’ll all work out once he’s exposed.  He’s not going to win a batting title, but he could be a cheap Branyan.  If that sounds boring, then you’re not in a 12 team league or deeper.  For 2010, I see a line of 75/24/85/.250 with the possibility of more on the power side.  Definitely worth a flier.  Let’s look at some other minor trades and how they’re going to affect 2010 fantasy baseball:

Billy Wagner – Stop three on the NL East Tour pulls into Atlanta.  Right on his heels, Takashi Saito was signed by the Braves, too.  Wagner will be the closer with Saito being the first pickup all Wagner’s owners make in April.  Wagner will be in the bottom of the donkey-corns to start the season and should be underrated on draft day.  He’s no guarantee to stay healthy but saves are saves are saves.

Placido Polanco – Crapolanco could play in a gravitational acceleration chamber that mimics the moon and he’d go 8/8 while batting .300.  What a waste of that great hitter’s park.  It’s like sous vide-ing a wet sock.

Tim Lincecum missed yesterday’s start vs. the Padres (there goes that 14 K start) and gave way to the Giants big-time rookie pitching prospect, Madison Bumgarner.  Lincecum should be back by this weekend.  A detailed Madison Bumgarner outlook can be found where it says, “Madison Bumgarner outlook.”  (Yeah, still haven’t figured out how to naturally link to something.  I feel like Buzz Bissinger.  Bleh!  What are these things you call links?  Bleh! Actually, that sounds more like The Count.)  So one in for Mad-Bum, and no harm done.  5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 Ks.  I think he can supplant Joe Martinez in the rotation.  He sure as heckfire has a better name… Go with Jose at least, geez.  Bumgarner will have value in all leagues down the stretch if he has a rotation spot.  He’s risky, but in the NL West and with his stuff, well worth a look in mixed leagues.  In keepers, pursue him aggressively.  He’s real and he’s spectacular.  I expect he’ll take the David Price route next year.  Start in the minors, then get the call in June.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brad Lidge – Prior to getting removed from a save situation for Madson, Manuel said that Lidge will remain the Phils closer.  HA!!!  Sorry.  Lidge hasn’t been a closer in three months.  Are they freakin’ kidding me?  Lidge is pitching like he’s wearing contacts that bear Pujols’s face.  Please, someone tie Lidge to a bed and break his ankles to put him out of his misery.

Alex Gordon – He returns from his Triple-A stint.  A lot has been made of his trip to the minors.  (Because of the minors stint, he’ll be under contract through 2013.)  People are saying the Royals pulled a low move to delay free agency.  Um, and Gordon’s done something to stay in the majors?  At this rate, he may not be a major leaguer by 2013.  Though, February Grey still will probably find a way to talk him up for next year.

Pedro Martinez – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER.  Not great vs. the Nats, but I would’ve taken it over the roofie-ing I took from Carlos Torres.  Don’t worry, I’ll get to that.

Raul Ibanez – 3-for-4 with 2 HRs yesterday.  I swear, after three months of homer sobriety from Ibanez, I was a twitch away from pulling the trigger on him.  Now, he’s hot.  Someone was looking out for me.  They obviously didn’t care enough to warn me about Carlos Torres.  Fantasy baseball, because every day stress is not enough.

Carlos Torres – 2/3 IP, 5 ER vs. the A’s.  I hate you, Carlos Torres.  I swore off rookie pitchers earlier this year because of a start by Hochevar vs. the A’s.  Why do the A’s hate me?  Someone, help!  I was roofied and I’m hemorrhaging from the A’s.

Julio Borbon – 2 HRs yesterday and a steal.  Someone’s been talking to Drew Stubbs.

Elvis Andrus – 2 steals yesterday.  If you need steals, maybe he’s running now, cause he hadn’t been.

Frank Francisco – 1 IP, 2 ER.  Kazaam!

Nick Swisher – 2 HRs yesterday.  Hitting over .300 in the last seven games with 3 homers.

Evan Longoria – Has 5 homers in the last 8 games and is hitting near .500 in his last seven games.  H2H teams rostering Longoria tip their caps.

Garrett Jones – Hit his 19th homer yesterday.  If I didn’t see it myself, I wouldn’t have believed it, but after Robot Jones hit his homer, he elevated five inches off the ground to allow wheels to slide out from his cleats and he rolled around the bases.

Dustin Pedroia – This might be Scrappy Doo’s first appearance in a daily roundup this year.  Well, anyway, he hit two homers yesterday against the Orioles’ Double-A pitching.

Felix Pie – 0-for-3, and 2 for his last 13.  I think he’s back to being lame.

Carlos Beltran – Returned with a 1-for-4.  Now he has three weeks to hit 35 homers and steal 20 bases.  Or if he just outproduced Angel Pagan, that would be nice, too.

Cameron Maybin – You’re going to hear about every positive thing he does until next year.  Yesterday, he hit a homer.

Nate McLouth – Hit his 2nd homer since he returned.  This is a hunch, but I think he realizes he has three weeks to make his season’s stats look somewhat palatable.

Manny Parra – Left the game with neck spasms.  Manny, you don’t watch the ball off the bat.  That’s how you get a crick in your neck.

Mat Gamel – Was recalled.  But McGehee’s got the corner locked down like Marlo Stanfield.

Corey Hart – Is back from the DL.  He says he wants to steal bases.  I have no idea if he’s lying.  I couldn’t see his eyes through his sunglasses.

Chris Davis – 3-for-4 with a HR in yesterday’s nightcap.  In the, uh, daycap he went 0-for-5.

Michael Brantley – He’s stealing bases.  You know you wanna.  Go ahead, pick him up.

Franklin Gutierrez – Hit his 16th homer yesterday.  The Big FraGu’s having a better year than Carlos Beltran, Grady Sizemore and Josh Hamilton.  Cust kayin’.

Matt Murton – Called up by the Rockies.  Score this a victory for the National Association for the Advancement of Gingy People.  But the NAAGP won’t rest until Murton gets playing time, so there will be a lot of late nights for them.

J.A. Happ – His strained oblique is still vaguely hurting and will miss another start.

Jeff Baker – The pride of Bad Kissingen, West Germany went 3-for-4 yesterday as he hits near .400 in the last week.

Jake Fox – Piniella hates him.  Bobby Scales?  Sam Fuld?  They sound like the bassist and drummer for the Cubs’ heavy metal band, Quite The Riot.