It’s the 4th of July everybody and life is good. You’re probably spending your day with loved ones grilling, drinking, swimming, and reminding yourself why you hate your cousin Gary. Pretentious prick! Do I really care that you do Andrew W.K’s taxes? Do we always have to listen to “Let’s Get The Party Started” at every July 4th pool party? Oh BTW your wife Cheri propositions me every time we’re alone. What can I say she wants the Lifshitz naknik. Enough about me I mean you, yes you. This in no way bears any resemblance to my life. I don’t even have a cousin Gary! In fact if you’re here reading this then you probably have no friends or family and more than likely own cats or have dead bodies in your basement. It’s cool I’m not going to say anything. So I know the question on everyone’s mind “Ralph you’re rambling what’s the theme this week?” Well it’s the 4th of July. So that’s my theme, 4th of July’s of Lifshitz past. So each tier will include an offbeat story about my Independence Day misadventures. No these misadventures will not feature Will Smith, Bill Pullman, or aliens. Or will they? Week 14 Two Start Pitchers are upon us….

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George Springer will miss six weeks with a broken wrist. I find in these times of sadness it’s best to turn to the ones you love, your family. But it’s also important to not forget why you were sad either, so you don’t lose perspective. So print out pictures of Springer’s face and paste them to your wife, kids and dog’s faces. See, aren’t you glad you have family. It’s that kind of moral support that one needs at a time like this. If they don’t allow you to paste pictures on their face, you can leave your family or paste it on their faces while they’re asleep. Fun Fact! I always fall asleep during the movie While You Were Sleeping. Power of suggestion? Perhaps. This is obviously terrible news for Springer’s owners, and I wouldn’t get too cutesy with trying to trade for him on the cheap in redraft leagues. Wrist injuries can be tricky to rock around, it’s right on time, they’re tricky. Oh, oh, oh, they’re tricky! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

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Yankees outfielder Chris B. Young has been on fire in the past week and Krispie’s monster week culminated in last nights 3-hit performance including a 3-run homer run, his ninth. Ol’ Young has got himself a nine game hitting streak, with two homers, two stolen bases and eight RBIs in the stretch. He’s also managed four straight multi-hit games. Not bad for a guy with a .313 OBP! Ugh. Well, that number actually is bad. Still, Young’s batting .370 with three homers, 10 runs and 10 RBI in June and he’s managed to bring his average up to a respectable .270. The counting stats aren’t that bad for a guy who’s been stuck batting in the bottom of the order most of the year, but the fact that he’s been hitting higher in the order as of late could be a big reason for his recent success. He even led off on Thursday night! His BABIP suggests he may actually be getting a bit lucky, but sometimes, particularly in fantasy, lucky counts for just as many points as good. In deeper leagues, if you’re hurting for an outfielder Chris B. Young is definitely worth a look while he’s hitting all the baseballs. At the very least, he’s a reliable source of power in a good line up and a great park, and at just 10% owned he’s definitely worth a flier while he’s hot.

Here’s what else I saw Friday night in fantasy baseball:

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Son of a plumber, the real American dream has returned for another week of two start scrutiny. I’m here to do the dirty work. I drop the bionic elbow on your dome to enlighten you to the two start knowledge that I possess. I’ve seen hard times recently, and it’s due to Rick Flair, Nate Karns, Mike Foltynewicz, and Tom Cruise! You don’t know what hard times are Daddy! Hard times is when the factory workers are out of work and got 4 or 5 kids. Hard times are when the Auto Workers are out of work! Hard times are when a man who’s worked at a company for 30 years gets a watch and gets told a computer can do his job! Hard times Daddy! I’ve been stuck in hard times. Well screw Mike Foltynewicz until he tricks me into believing in him again. We’re back this week and it’s no holds barred we’re taking the folding chairs out of the front row and fighting dirty. We’re going with the theme of 1980’s and early 90’s wrestling. This is pretty much the last time I watched wrestling. They ruined it with all the complex storylines and other non-sense. Remember when it was just sort of some meaningless beef and you got to watch them duke it out on Saturday morning? In my humble opinion it was the best it ever was, but what do I know?

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Thank you, Jesus Guzman! Or Jesus Alou or Jesus Colome or David DeJesus or whatever baseball Jesus you pray to! Anthony Rendon was activated! “Hello, God, it’s me Grey. I have no more requests…Well, maybe one more. Could you allow Rendon to hit? Okay, you being such a literal God will prolly take that to mean, he’ll get at-bats and ground out. I mean, can you allow him to hit for a high average, some power, some speed and just be better than Logan Forsythe? I’ll take my answer off the air.” Honestly, I have no idea what to expect from Rendon. Some players — Josh Hamilton comes to mind — get countless injury updates from the media no matter how small the news. I feel like with Rendon it’s been radio silence since he was DL’d. Every few weeks there would be a ‘playing in rehab games’ update, but very little else. So, the realistic side of me wants to think he’s going to struggle like it’s spring training for him. The fanboy side of me thinks he’s gonna hit a zillion homers and steal a trillion bases and make everything right. Likely, he’ll be about as good as Yunel, but, due to his name recognition, will soothe my middle infidel nerves for a few weeks. Yesterday, he went 2-for-4 and, well, he’s back, and that’s all that matters. Thank you, Jesus Montero! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

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Greetings all and welcome to the post-Memorial Day, all-Giants edition of One Man’s Trash. If you took a fantasy vacation over the weekend in favor of the consumption of mass quantities of alcohol and charred animal flesh, well, good for you. That’s what the holidays are all about – gluttony. Oh, and family and stuff, if you’re into that kind of thing. In case you missed it, I’m here to inform you that Brandon Crawford (+35.3%) was the most added player in fantasy baseball this past week. While you’re feasting on leftover burgers and potato salad this afternoon, you might be surprised to learn that Crawford ranks 1st among all qualified MLB shortstops in RBIs (31), on-base percentage (.382), and slugging percentage (.514), is tied for 1st with 6 HR, and is in the top 4 in both runs scored (23 – 4th) and batting average (.301 – 3rd) at that position. He’s even chipped in 2 steals as well. His .345 BABIP (.296 career) and 15.8% HR/FB (6.7% career) suggest that his batting average and power numbers are likely to regress somewhat, but his K% is slightly down, LD% is slightly up, and his 38.8% hard hit percentage is 2nd among shortstops and 20th best in all of baseball. Also, the HR/FB ratio might not regress as much as you might think due to the fact that his 315.53 ft average fly ball distance is currently the 10th highest mark in MLB. He’s basically performed at the level that was expected of Robinson Cano coming into this season. While Crawford is unlikely to maintain his current blistering pace, everything points to this season being a career year for the 28-year-old. Enjoy the ride. Here were a couple of other big adds and drops in fantasy baseball from this past week:

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Have you ever gone out to dinner and felt completely overwhelmed by the number of choices on the menu? You find yourself completely unable to make a decision. Do I go with the fajitias, the shrimp Mozambique, the salmon burger or the country fried steak? Ugggh I hate making choices… Can I just get a quarter order of each? Ohh you don’t do that, well then I’ll just have the caesar salad. Yes I’m often prone to panicking when presented with a slew of desirable choices. I once passed out in the process of choosing a hooker at the Bunny Ranch in Nevada while on a substantial peyote binge. This is all niether here nor there but it’s the last time I was as overwhelemed with choices as I am today. DraftKings and today’s pitching ledger is chock full of options. Before we get into the ones that I do like, and there are quite a few, let’s discuss one I don’t. That would be none other than the highest priced option on today’s board Garrett Richards. I get it, his high strikeout totals play well in the DK format and he’s been good over his past four starts. Problem is he faces a Baltimore offense that ranks third in wOBA against righties. Richards has also been extremely lucky thus far with a BABIP of .213 and a BB/9 of 4.55. The long and the short, regression is coming, and I’d avoid spending the money on Richards. Truthfully I’m left a bit puzzled by his price. What do the good folks at DraftKings know that I don’t?

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 20 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

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Maybe I shamed the Marlins into caring about their bullpen. Maybe I’m just like my mother, she’s never satisfied. Why do we scream at Steve Cishek? This is what it sounds like, when fantasy baseballers cry! Damn, I’ll never get sick of Prince. Well, except when I have to rely on him to hit homers from my 1st base slot. As they removed Cishek from the closer role, the Marlins said, “Shrek has done a tremendous job for us, but at the end of the day, it’s about winning games.” They call Cishek Shrek? Is that so the 12-year-old Yelich isn’t scared to room with him? Holy cow, have you seen Cishek?! He looks like he could be Yelich’s younger brother! Do the Marlins pay their prospects in Girl Scout cookies? Does the team bus have to wait an extra five minutes every day so they can finish their paper route? Are Yelich and Cishek extras from the off-Broadway adaption of Drake & Josh? I have questions, y’all! So, Cishek is not only out, but looks like a flaming Pu-Pu Platter. I’d grab A.J. Ramos immediately, stash Mike Dunn and Bryan Morris and would even look at Rafael Soriano, since the Marlins said they might sign him. Oh, and once Henderson Alvarez returns, there’s speculation Tom Koehler could close. A Koehlser?! In other words, this shituation is a closerousel, so hold on for your life. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

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I don’t know if you’ve heard, but the latest in rookie nookie will be making his debut tonight.  Everyone wants to hook up with Noah Syndergaard, myself included.  The kid’s been just obliterating the PCL to the tune of a 1.82 ERA, 0.944 WHIP and K-rate of 10.3.  Those numbers alone are impressive, then you factor in how hitter friendly the PCL can be and they become knock your socks off numbers.  Even last year when his PCL numbers weren’t wonderful, Noah was still mowing them down at around a 10 K/9 pace, so the strikeout  potential is real.  Syndergaard cracks the top 10 in just about everyone’s top 10 prospects lists, including our very own Prospect Mike who ranked him as high as 3rd.  Noah gets the call against the Cubs who just so happen to lead the majors in strikeouts right now.  At $7,200, Syndergaard provides terrific upside with the potential for plenty of high scoring Ks.  Of course, rookie nookie can always be dangerous.  I’m guessing the buzz around the kid will cause his ownership percentage to be on the high side.  If you have a feeling that 30% or so of the field will be waking up in a bathtub full of ice with no kidneys, then by all means, employ the fade.  As someone who missed out on him in all but one of his yearly leagues, I’ll happily insert him some lineups just to ride the wave a bit.  The beauty of DFS is you don’t need to be first to the waiver wire, you just have to work in the salary.  I’ll be swiping right and enjoying my rookie nookie hook-up tonight, how about you?

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 25 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

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Another week of two-start pitchers and another music focused theme to guide you in your conquests. Wait that sounded sexual, you’re not trying to sleep with two start pitchers right?  I mean it’s fine if you do this is a judgement free zone, but I wanted to be clear about my usage of conquests.  I don’t want to start showing up for searches based around jersey chasing.  Then my comments might be questions like “What’s the best type of underwear to wear when trying to seduce Max Scherzer?”.  Jesus, how did I get here?  I just want to talk a little 90’s grunge and throw a few stats at you.  Stream of conscious writing isn’t for everyone.  Let’s put aside my ramblings for a moment and get into the meat of this sandwich shall we?  Anyone see the Kurt Cobain documentary “Montage of Heck”?  I watched it three times this week and was reminded of how much I loved Nirvana as a 10 year old Ralph.  For anyone that’s a Nirvana fan it’s a worthy take.  So thanks to the film and last week’s spirited music debate in the comments I’ve been inspired to base this week’s tiers on my favorite groups from the Seattle Grunge scene.  Hell it’s probably the last good thing to come out of Seattle. I see you Tehol.

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