Oh, the Memorial Day weekend is here, subtle rejoice. It is officially the start to the season of way too tight Affliction t-shirts that are monikered in glitter and shirts that are sold in the three-pack variety. What could be better than that, I’ll tell you what. A horse drawn fruit cart. Like back in the old days. I mean, who doesn’t like daily fresh produce conveniently delivered, or, in this case, walked past your door. I mean, just thinking of that makes me want to get some mush melon and maybe some prosciutto, sit outside and play click clack in my aforementioned assemblage of t-shirts. So everyone is probably out at a bbq and not even reading this as its a big going out weekend, but if you are here thanks for being dedicated and taking 10 minutes to read this. Have a great holiday weekend and if you’re going to drink, be responsible and at least bring me one while your up. (Please keep in mind that pitchers and match-ups change.)
One Start Options:
5/30
Bruce Chen @ Cle – Gomez
Anthony Bass @ CHC – Dempster
6/1
Wei-Yin Chen @ TB – Price
Mike Leake @ Hou – Happ
Derek Lowe vs Min – Pavano
Felipe Paulino vs Oak – Colon
Clayton Richard vs Ari – Miley
Two Start Options:
Zach McCallister (KC vs Adcock, Min vs Diamond) In some weird parallel universe that is saved by the bell, Zach pitches against his geeky friend Screech. No word on if Jessie is going to be “so excited” or if Mr. Belding will throw out the first pitch.
Bronson Arroyo (@Pit vs McDonald, @Hou vs Harrell) Ugh really has it been three weeks already. Ok I will find something useful for you to ponder if you want to pick him up….took me awhile so enjoy this gem. He has given up zero runs on the road during a day game, and you don’t have to check - both games are during the day.
Drew Hutchinson (Bal vs Arrieta, Bos vs Bard) Those dreaded starts against the AL East, I shake my fist at thee. I am going to hunt down Mrs. AL East and torment here for not being more green on the fantasy environment.
Travis Wood (SD vs Suppan, @SF vs Zito) I’m actually curious to see if Wood can carve out some NL-only or deeper league value by the end of next week. It’s possible; I mean it’s also possible I turn into a sea horse and am forced to give birth to other sea horses.
Juan Nicasio (Hou vs Rodriguez, LAD vs Harang) His name loosely translated means WHIP-tard. So by burying your periphs he can say its just part of family tradition and he can’t be held accountable.
Felix Doubront (Det vs Fister, @Tor ve Drabek) Is in the top 7 in K/9, unfortunately he hands out free passes like a guy on the Vegas strip handing out business cards to Spearmint Rhino.
Scott Diamond (Oak vs TBD, @Cle vs McCallister) I would be nervous against the TBD starter that Oakland has to throw out there. Could be anyone really – Rollie Fingers, that guy Henter from Bases Loaded, or that barista guy from your local coffee house. This week’s number one option has to be this guy, right?
Jake Arrieta (Tor vs Hutchinson, @TB vs Moore) Way too hittable and gives up too many big flies for my liking. The frog from frog bog doesn’t agree. So even imaginary amphibians are fantasy baseball critics. Just proving the point that they will let anyone evaluate stats.
Kevin Millwood (@Tex vs Harrison, @CHW vs Sale) One. Count ‘em one earned run in the last 3 starts spanning 22 innings. He is owned in less then 5% of leagues. To me that makes complete sense, because Clay Buchholz is owned in over 40%…. wait huh? Has been a streamer delight so far, now you can get him for a 2 for 1 special. I’d rather use my coupons elsewhere, but you do what you do.
Aaron Harang (Mil vs Marcum, @Col vs Nicasio) Always has a mug on his face like he is currently doing the cinnamon challenge. Just an FYI – do not try the cinnamon challenge; it usually ends up like dollar beer happy hour.
When Heath Bell looked like garbage on Sunday, Frank Francisco returned serve with three of his own runs. It was like watching a tennis match between Jon Lovitz and that guy from Felicity. Rather than getting the hook by his manager, Frank-Frank was ejected for arguing balls and strikes. The ump should’ve told him, “With your stuff, I wouldn’t have the balls to throw strikes either.” Jon Rauch is next in line here, but, before the ink can dry on his neck, he could lose the job too. Though, I would grab him, in the non-sexual way. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Ike Davis – Sat out yesterday with flu-like symptoms. Like. Oh. My. Gahd. I hopes it’s not Valley Fever.
Heath Bell – Ozzie Guillen has come to the conclusion that Edward Mujica and Steve Cishek are simply just as awful at closing games as Bell has been, so they might as well go with the guy with the bad contract. So, once again, Bell is officially unofficially your Marlins closer and, as previously mentioned, he gave up two runs on Sunday. I’d continue to hold Cishek and Mujica. Bell needs to either go to the Disgraceful List or do some mop-up duty. Despite the closer craziness, the past week the Marlins have got it done, winning 10 of their last 12 games. A rational person might say to me, “The Marlins have played the Giants, Padres and Astros as of late, don’t get too excited.” I am an irrational person, so it must be their new uniforms!
Giancarlo Stanton – 3-for-5 with a grand slam. Is it just me or are you waiting for him to announce his name is actually Giancarlos Tanton?
Brian Fuentes – Was named the new A’s closer. I literally wrote everything else in this post then came back to this to make sure he was still the closer. If I wake up at 3 AM tonight and stumble back to my office, he may no longer be the closer. He’s on a short leash with a cone and muzzle. If he gets too far off the leash, he doesn’t give his owners rabies, he gives them ERAbies.
Brandon McCarthy – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks. Look at him K’ing people with reckless a-Brandon. McCarthy feels like one of those guys that you can get for cheap in a trade, but could be way more valuable. He’s literally in every fifth comment as a guy people want to drop, and I use the word ‘literally’ metaphorically.
Jarrod Parker – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks. I doubt anyone’s actually buying (as in trading for), but you should be careful with Parker. He’s due for some Liquid Paper getting dropped on his stats.
Bud Norris – Got the win on Friday with 6.0 IP, 1 ER and 8Ks. Old James MacDonald pitched 8 innings and also struck out 8 in a pitchers’ duel. And a Bud at McDonald’s is a combo meal in The Bootheel of Missouri.
Bryce Harper – On Friday, he threw his bat at the wall in frustration and needed 10 stitches as it bounced back and hit him in the head. ESPN is auctioning off the bat with the proceeds going to TD (Teenaged Dipshits).
Wilson Ramos – Torn ACL and out for the year. On the positive side, he’s now way too gimpy for kidnappers to lug around.
Danny Espinosa – Got a couple of hits on Sunday, homered Friday and Saturday while adding in two steals. If it’s not obvious and you need me to spell it out, he’s H-O-T.
Henry Rodriguez – 2/3 IP, 4 ER with a massive blown save on Sunday. I shut the game off before the Votto grand slam, knowing it was coming. Then after it happened, I refreshed the box score a few times hoping it would change. It’s a soul-crushing defeat when you know it’s gonna happen, then don’t believe it when it does. Must’ve been what it felt like when Dewey tried to move his stuff into the White House with only a copy of the Dewey Defeats Truman newspaper.
Brian Dozier - 2-for-5 with his first homer. I wouldn’t expect much here; he’s pretty yawnstipating. It’s no coincidence that his last name is French for sleep (not true).
Scott Diamond – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks. Now has back-to-back 7 inning scoreless starts. In AL-Only leagues, he could provide some value if he can continue his low walk-rate and so-so K-rate. But in AL-Only leagues, Bruce Chen is valuable, so take that with a grain of salt, which is a crystal as is a diamond. How’s that for circular reasoning?
Andy Pettitte – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. the M’s. Against a major league offense, that’s 5 IP, 5 ER. That’s not exactly a comeback on par with Lance Armstrong returning less nutso.
Carlos Ruiz – 6th HR on Friday. Ruiz is batting .330 and leads the Phillies offense along with Juan Pierre. Or JuanCarlos if Stanton’s renaming them.
Jimmy Rollins – 1-for-4 with his 1st homer. Only one more to catch Chone Figgins!
Jesus Montero - Hit a home run on Friday against his old team as he punishes New York for trading him to the Mariners. You could taste the bad blood. Mmm… Iron.
Justin Smoak – Hit a homer yesterday and is 6 for his last 12 as he got to hit away from Safeco. Gets Fenway and Coors this week and could be a short term play. Seriously, no kindling with Smoak.
Addison Reed – Robin Ventura is planning on splitting his save chances between Thornton, Reed and Santiago. I think it’s appropriate to call Ventura by his cartoon onomatopoeia name: VenturARGH. And, because Reed seemed like the guy to own, he gave up 6 earned runs in a third of an inning yesterday. To give up 6 earned in a third of an inning is, like a bowling alley that doesn’t cater to dwarfs will tell ya, no small feat. At this rate, I don’t think I’d pick up any White Sox relievers in any shallow mixed league. I need this ulcer? No, no I don’t. If you really need the saves, I’d grab Santiago, Reed or Thornton, in that order.
Chris Sale – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks. When you go for a ‘precautionary’ MRI (something I get all the time!), and you’re moved around to help ‘save’ your elbow, then throw a pretty mediocre start, I think something is wrong and you’d be wise to sell him quickly. But I’m not a doctor, though I did fall asleep while watching a Scrubs rerun last night.
Carlos Beltran – 4-for-5 with 2 home runs and 4 RBIs on Friday and hit his 13th homer on Sunday. He’s doing his best Albert Pujols impression, the pre-Angels Pujols. Yes, it took Pujols to go to the Angels to become mortal. The irony!
Allen Craig – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer on Sunday, after homering on Friday. Bad enough that he double-dipped on first names when there’s people without one — R. Kelly, “Tell me about it!” But now there’s people out there who can’t buy a homer in their leagues (me!) and this guy now has 5.
Rafael Furcal – 3-for-3 with his 7th steal, while batting .383 on the year. Still think he’s more of an Early Bird Special than a Zombino. You get two Facebook Likes if you understood that.
Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. If you’ve owned him all year, you know this is less spectacular than he’s been. Or spectaculess, if you like portmanteaus.
Josh Hamilton – Homerton was 3-for-4 with two more home runs on Friday to bring his total to 17. The first player since Albert Pujols (who?) in 2006 to hit that many home runs in only 33 games. Then he hit his 18th homer on Saturday. 18 homers? I have 31 homers in one of my NL-Only leagues.
Mike Trout – Got his first slam & legs on Friday. In related rookie news, ESPN ran a feature on Bryce Harper’s TD telethon.
C.J. Wilson - Got roughed up in his Texas homecoming by Hamilton and the boys 1/3 IP, 3 H, 4 ER. Then Matthew Modine started screaming “You wanna have another go at it” and Wilson agreed. So, on Saturday, he went 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. Then on Sunday, he rested. Geez, with the God complex.
Mark Reynolds – Lands on the DL after throwing batting practice on Friday. He said, “I got carried away with what I was trying to do. It just looks so easy to strike me out.”
Xavier Avery – O’s called up their outfield prospect and played him in left field yesterday as he went 0-for-4. Now for the Mystique behind X-Man. He has some speed (and very light power), and will struggle to hit for much of an average in the majors. In AL-Only leagues, he’s SAGNOF.
Jake Arrieta – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER vs. the Rays. He’s been absolutely clobbered in his last two starts. I’d definitely look elsewhere, since I’m not a huge fan of O’s starters to begin with. My O’s starter face is a straight line for my lips and a slow blink of the eyes. It looks like ‘meh.’
Nick Johnson – Homered in back-to-back games that he started (Friday and Sunday). He was in good spirits after the game, smiling in the locker room.
Danny Duffy – Left yesterday’s game with what is being described as “medial left elbow tightness.” Sounds like medial up a different starter.
Alcides Escobar – 3-for-3, 2 runs and 1 RBI. He’s been on and off my teams so many times the elastic is completely shot.
Jeff Francoeur – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs with his first Frenchy fly of the season, or Freedom Fly if you’re still harboring shizz.
Desmond Jennings – Has now missed six games with a sore knee. Instead of day-to-day, they could’ve told us day-to-week. Might’ve been helpful.
Ben Zobrist – Slam and legs with a side of mash (3 hits!) and Elliot Johnson also slammed, legged and mashed. Johnson is 7 for his last 13 with two steals and a homer. Could be a nice pickup if you’re struggling at MI. BTW, if someone asks you if you’re struggling at MI, your answer is IM.
Carlos Marmol – Since the start this year, he looked like Apollo vs. Ivan Drago in the exhibition match. Finally, the Cubs threw in the towel with Marmol’s head landing on top of it and on the Disgraceful List.
Bryan LaHair – Since Friday’s Sell, he’s 1-for-14 with 6 Ks. Cust kayin’.
Jeff Samardzija – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. The best thing I can say about Samardetc. is I wish I owned him on all my teams.
Rickie Weeks – His wrist showed no breaks and his bat showed no hits.
Kevin Youkilis – Cleared to swing a bat. Sounds like positive news for a guy at Hedonism after a cliff diving accident.
Will Middlebrooks – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. If Youk pushes Middlebrooks to Triple-A, there’s gonna be a letter written to Jimmy Breslin from a Son of Sam Horn.
Matt Kemp – Left yesterday’s game aggravating his tight hamstring. Said he’s going for an MRI, but will only miss a game. Um, well, guess we can hope. How do we get this hammy cured? Because those are delicious.
Juan Rivera – Could miss two months with a ruptured hamstring tendon. Dude, c’mon, the day of rupture isn’t until December 21st.
Will Middlebrooks was called up to step between his brother, Donnybrook, Bobby Valentine and Youuuuuuuuuk. Youuuuuuuuuk said, “Ow, my back hurts, I need the DL,” Valentine said, “Just wrap yourself in lavash, that makes everything better.” Donnybrook erupted in a public place because of needling from Sawx fans and Will Middlebrooks hits a lot of homers in the minors. Hello, Will, you be staying for dinner? I’ve prepared a nice spot at the corner spot. Please disregard the Rays embossed flatware that I have there; it was for someone else. This year in 23 games in Triple-A, Middlebrooks hit 9 homers and stole three bases. Last year, he hit 18 in Double-A in 96 games and 7 in 17 games in the low minors. Yesterday, he went 2-for-3 and stole a base. He strikes out way too much currently with little to no walks for him to come close to putting up a good average over the long haul. But long hauls are why you pay movers on Craigslist. You’re looking at short term if you lost Longoria and, for that, I say grab him in AL-Only and deep mixed leagues. If you’re in a league where you can grab Alvarez or Chris Davis, then I’d go with them right now. And, no, I never thought I’d be saying that a month ago. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Josh Beckett – Beckett will only miss one start due to his lat soreness. Lat’s all, folks.
Mark Prior – Signed by the Red Sox. Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent desperation.
Mat Gamel – Just when he was finally proving that with playing time he couldn’t hit, he torn his ACL and will miss the season. Mark down 2013 as the season Gamel can truly disappoint. With Travis Ishikawa, the Brewers planned for the worst with their 1st base backup, and by that I don’t mean they planned ahead, I mean they literally planned to have the worst backup.
Corey Hart – Due to their aforementioned planning, the Brewers hit grounders at Corey Hart, acclimating him to first. He said, “I might sneak in there…” What are you a ninja? Weeks throws it over to Ishikawa– Bam! Corey Hart just snuck in and grabbed the throw.
Ryan Braun – Might need a day or two rest after leaving yesterday’s game with a sore Achilles. Hopefully, he doesn’t have a doctor who stutters because instructing him that he needs to “heal heel” could get confusing for all parties.
Anthony Rizzo – Cubs have discussed internally how to get LaHair and Rizzo in the same lineup. Razzball Exclusive! Here’s the Cubs’ inner monologue, “Well, if we agree to off Chone Figgins for the Mariners, and they agree to off Alfonso Soriano, then no one will suspect a thing.”
Bryan LaHair – He hit his 6th homer yesterday. Hey, Cubs, don’t comb over LaHair yet!
Jeff Samardzija – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks. Yeah, you should pick up Samardetc. Yes, you.
Cory Luebke – Lands on the DL with elbow soreness. I want to think good thoughts here and say he’ll be fine when his DL stint is up and he’ll only miss a few starts, but I can’t say that because he’s a pitcher with pitching elbow soreness.
Chipper Jones – 3-for-6, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Glass Chipper said yesterday that it’s a daily decision on whether he can play or not on his knee. And here I thought he woke up on Thursday and said, “I think I’m gonna have a sore knee on Tuesday.”
Brett Gardner – Shutdown from baseball-related activities for a few days. No spitting or grabbing your crotch for you!
Ryan Zimmerman – In case you missed it, Zimmerman’s return date was bumped from Sunday to Tuesday. Here’s Zimmerman at the Genius Bar, “Hey, for some reason I marked my iCal down to give me a reminder to have an injury setback every day at 2 PM, and it’s not showing up until 4.”
Roy Halladay – 5 1/3 IP, 8 ER. That’s like the pitching equivalent to what Pujols has been doing for the past month.
Carlos Ruiz – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 7 RBIs and his 4th homer. 7 RBIs is more than some of my teams have combined all week. I will now squeeze myself into an industrial-sized microwave.
Kyle Seager – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and 2 homers. In our AL-Only team where we lost Longoria, we had Seager back him up. With back-ups like that who needs front men? Am I right, last man standing on Blake Shelton’s team from The Voice? Though I’m simply rooting for “anyone but opera guy” to win.
Jed Lowrie – 3-for-4, 3 runs after hitting a homer yesterday. You say potato, I say hot schmotato.
Chris Johnson – 4-for-4 as he DIV/0#x’d his HR total with his first 2 HRs of the year in a 6 RBI game. He is a fantastic 3rd base play 8 times a year. If he could concentrate that in 1 week and give me a heads up, it would be appreciated.
Kelly Johnson – It was a good day to be a Johnson as Kelly hit his 6th HR while hitting leadoff for the first time this year. In retrospect, it’s odd that Bobby Cox hated this guy given their surnames are equally phallic.
Brett Lawrie – 0-for-4 as the Blue Jays scored 11 runs. Ticker tease!
Edwin Encarnacion – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs with his 9th homer. Coincidentally, this was the 9th time I sighed this season saying, “Why didn’t I draft Encarnacion?”
Jake Arrieta – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks. Been having a hard time coming around on O’s starters, but Arrieta, like a true love or a really good sandwich, is giving me something to believe in. Two weeks ago, he was in the Buy, two and a half years ago Stephen wrote about him. Member Stephen? His picture looked like Alf blowing a bubble. Anyway, grab Arrieta. It’s good for your pancreas (and fantasy baseball team).
Nick Markakis – 2-for-5 and his 3rd homer. Sparkakis! Never has such a good rallying call been so wasted.
Matt Harrison – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER, 10 baserunners. My sweet lord that sucks! Hope Harrison found some inner peace while owners’ ERA and WHIP gently weep.
Jonathan Sanchez – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 2 Ks as he outdueled Verlander, but Crow blew the win as retaliation for Sanchez’s bullpen-taxing short outings and his pranks in the bullpen that show an odd appreciation for Rollie Fingers.
Brennan Boesch – 1-for-4 with his 4th Boesch and bomb!
B.J. Upton – Should be fine after leaving yesterday’s game with cramping. Not the first time I’ve heard a B.J. pulling up short due to cramps.
Chris Schwinden – 4 IP, 5 ER vs. the Astros. In the first row at Minute Maid Park was Barbara Bush or as Schwinden would call her Babraham Lincoln.
Carlos Gonzalez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs with his 6th and 7th homers of the year. Yeah, and Matt Kemp poops out 6th and 7th homers for breakfast.
Jeff Suppan – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks. Does Hodgepadre’ing know no (stutterer!) bounds? Apparently not.
J.J. Putz – 2/3 IP, 2 ER and his 2nd blown save. Call me when he’s got 4 blown saves like every other closer!
Justin Upton – 1-for-3 with a slam & legs. One of the Upton’s knows how to satisfy his owners and surprisingly it’s not the one named B.J.
A.J. Burnett – 2 2/3 IP, 12 ER vs. St. Louis. Don’t mess with the Cardinals now that they got that Albertross off their team.
Carlos Beltran – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 7 RBIs with his 6th and 7th homers. Looks like Berkman bit Beltran and now he’s the new Zombino.
Brian Fuentes – Recorded the save because Balfour’s been ineffective and just threw 29 pitches the day before. I speculated on Ryan Cook, because at least he’s been good, but the A’s look like they went with a known (if crappy) commodity in Fuentes. Eh, Fuentes is just a dog with different fleas and if you think he’s good, you’ve been in the monkey house too long, as Tim Gunn would say.
Heath Bell – Zero recorded outs, blown save, ERA balloons to 11.74. In the next week, one of two things will happen to Bell: Cishek or Mujica will take over the closing job or he will be traded to the Red Sox.
Ian Desmond – 2-for-5 with his 3rd homer which was a walk off homer to give my man Henry Rodriguez a win. Like I needed more reason to like Ian Desmond. C’mon, you tantalizer!
Stephen Lombardozzi – 1-for-3, hitting .293 in the two hole. Hold on, I wanna call Ms. Cleo of the Psychic Friends Hotline. “Hello, Ms. Cleo?” “Hey, child, how you doing with your fine moo-stache?” “Good, Ms. Cleo, question for you. What do you see happening next week with Espinosa and Lombardozzi when Zimmerman returns?” “What a good question from such a handsome, young man! Next week, Zimmerman will return and Lombardozzi will take over 2nd base and Espinosa will be sent–” Sorry, I had to cut off before I was charged the extra $1.99, but she was about to say he’d be sent down. I think Ms. Cleo’s on to something.
Jered Weaver – Threw a no-hitter with one walk and 9 Ks. It was like he was facing nine Pujolses.
Nolan Reimold has started this season like I thought he’d start the 2009 season. And the 2010 season. And the 2011 season. See a pattern? If not, I suggest answering C on all standardized tests and lowering your safety school expectations. It feels like Reimold’s been sleeping on his post-hyper’dom since Branch Rickey was just a twig. He has 25-ish homer power and 10-ish steal speed. If he gets on one, he hits 30 homers and steals 15 and is a top 25 outfielder. If he hits his head on his post-hyper-ness, you drop him. In my Nolan Reimold fantasy from January, I gave him the line of 65/24/80/.250/10. Don’t wanna trust January Grey because he’s been known to hit the bottle? ZiPS updated their projections for Reimold to 65/22/68/.260/10. So don’t trust me. But you gotta trust someone in this life. You can’t go it alone. Cause when you let people in, the world opens up to you. I think the preceding was a speech given by Patrick Dempsey in an 80′s movie that was followed by a slow clap. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Santiago Casilla – You know what he possibly gives you this year? 35 saves. Know what, say, Brett Myers gives you? 25 saves. We’re Cust kayin’ here, but Casilla should be owned.
Henry Rodriguez – I wish I was in one of the 90% of ESPN leagues where HanK-Rod isn’t owned, but it might be impossible because at least 75% of the ESPN ten-team leagues are one guy who owns all 10 teams with ten alias then goes into the ESPN forums and says, “I’m going to grace you with my presence and answer a few questions. If you wish to know my credentials, look at my virtual trophies on my virtual mantle on my virtual profile.”
Jake Peavy – Which Peavy are we getting? The one that’s good when he’s pitching or the one that’s not good at pitching because he’s injured? Isn’t it clear? I didn’t say, “Isn’t it the clear?” Now, now.
Lance Lynn – You know why there’s so many repeat customers in these Buys? Because people picking up players in ESPN leagues are like De Niro in Awakenings. Lynn’s pitching well, pick him up and save that fear of success for your real life and leave it out of your fantasy life.
Danny Duffy – A starter with more Ks than innings pitched is all right by me. Plus, his mom’s name is Muffy. What’s not to like? Not rhetorical! Seriously, tell me. (I am prepared for this to come back to haunt me on Sunday when he faces the Blue Jays. I’m looking ahead, young, prematurely balding man!)
Jake Arrieta – Between Krispie getting DL’d and Gardner getting DL’d (about an hour), I owned Arrieta. I was looking at a way to make my team private, so youse couldn’t see it. See, I really don’t like taking flyers on O’s SPs and would tell you the same if you asked. AL East + terrible team = Not a’ight-a. But Arrieta’s WHIP is intriguing (0.89). He’s faced two terrible teams, and, keep in mind, I immediately dropped him when I needed another outfielder, but, yeah, I did pick him up. He’s around a 7-ish K-rate and a high 3 ERA pitcher in the best case scenario. The way he’s keeping his walks in check right now is something to watch. If you grab him for the Angels game tomorrow, I’d leave him on my bench in most mixed leagues to see how he does.
Alejandro De Aza – Odd that he has more homers than steals, but that will invert while he still chips in some power. He’s the new pride of the Dominican Republican. Or DR Pride, which is not the same as the shirtless guy with the stethoscope and the ass-less chaps.
Luke Scott – I told you to pick him up last week and now he’s owned in 3.5% of ESPN leagues. We are the three point five percenters! How’s that for rippling the fantasy baseball world?! You best recognize!
Mike Trout – On our last podcast, Rudy said he thinks Trout will be up by May 15th. I think that’s crummy with crackers, but if you’re a Rudy loyalist with a pic in your fro, then you should own Trout right now.
Denard Span – He’s healthy! That’s all I got. I picked him up in my RCL because I lost Gardner and was looking for some cheap speed, but, most importantly, Rudy was the one who dropped him, so any chance to rub salt is valid enough for me. Though waiting for Span to exact any revenge against Rudy is like hiring a contract killer who thinks a spliff is a blunt object.
Matt Carpenter – I just went over him this morning. Don’t make me go back there!
Chris Davis – This week’s Buy is coming to you from downtown Baltimore, “Our crabs are better than your lady’s!” At some point, I think the bottom is gonna fall out so bad for Davis that you’ll look up and he’ll be batting .095, but right now he’s hitting, so there’s that.
Mike Aviles – Grab Aviles while Jacoby is D’Ellsburied and your MI spot is as disagreeable as any camel that has ever been on TV or film. (Talk about an animal that needs its own anti-defamation league. “Let me ask you this, haters of the camel, what other animal is dragging your stupid ass through the desert with no water? Let’s see you ride on the back of your corgi!” That’s me as I stump for the hump.)
SELL
Gaby Sanchez – You thought he (she?) had no power in the old (ugly) Marlins ballpark? Welcome to the new (ugly and large) park! I wouldn’t drop him (her?) for Jeffrey Loria’s address so you can egg his house, but… Actually, I’d consider that trade-off. Nah, seriously, I wouldn’t drop him, but maybe you can use him as an artificial sweetener in a trade.
Paul Goldschmidt – This one hurts, because I really did like him in the preseason, but as long as Gibson’s slo-mo arm pumping Overbay into lineup, you need alternatives. In most leagues, I wouldn’t drop AuShizz out right, but he needs every day playing time for the majority of mixed leagues.
Logan Morrison – We’re pot-committed to Stanton and his wonky knees (wonknee). I’m not selling him for pennies on the dollar. Morrison, on the other hand, has a wonknee and he doesn’t have 40 homer power and he’s playing in a stadium where the coach needs binoculars and glow sticks to direct his outfielders where to play. As he waves glow sticks, Ozzie says, “Oye, Rooster, are the outfielders moving to the right?” As he looks through binoculars, Joey Cora says, “I think you’re directing the nacho guy in section 7 B.” Ozzie, “Puta, this is the worst stadium the devil ever puked up!”
SAT Question: Albert Pujols is to a fractured forearm as Justin Morneau is to playing every day in 2011 and you can’t take him out of your lineup. Only thing worse for Cardinal fans is if Don Denkinger announced Pujols’s fractured forearm while wearing a Wilson Betemit jersey. We never get Pujols in any leagues. I mean, never. This year, we thought we’d go against common practice and pay for him in one league. It’ll take away some money we have for the rest of our team, but at least we’ll have Pujols. *standing in the pouring rain, shaking fist at the sky* Come get some, Fantasy Overlord! So, unfortunately, the slap on Albert’s forearm was harder than the law gave to Tony La Russa when he DUI’d and Pujols will be out for at least 6 weeks. (They’re saying 4-6 weeks, but that’s optimistic.) Looks like Jon Jay, the Federalist, will get more time. Well, why didn’t you say that?! That makes everything better! *sticks head in oven* Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
David Freese – Returns next week. If he’s on waivers, now would be as good a time as any to pick him up. Or now. Or now. Or…Well, you get the picture.
Adrian Gonzalez – Francona said A-Gone might play some outfield during interleague play. A-Gon’s got the outfield range of a Johnny Damon throw. The Red Sox are going to mitigate his poor range by giving him a really big glove.
Andrew Miller – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners (3 walks), 6 Ks. I should do lines in Vegas– Whoa, Charlie Sheen! This is a family show! Random Italicized Voice, I mean I should make betting lines for oddsmakers. I totally would’ve called this Miller line. He’s such a 5 to 6 inning pitcher with 3 to 4 earned runs and a lousy WHIP. (BTW, Sawx vs. Padres in Fenway? This is like S.D. Jones vs. Andre the Giant.)
Tim Hudson – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks. I was gonna write a post about interleague in regards to this, but I didn’t get a chance so here’s the short version. When a team doesn’t see a pitcher often, the pitcher has the advantage. An AL team loses a DH, advantage for the NL pitcher (and not just because Hudson pitchslapped Romero). They still have the play the games, and, as Morton showed last night, a terrible performance is terrible no matter the circumstances. Continued in the next blurb…
J.A. Happ – 2 2/3 IP, 5 ER in Arlington. Then you have an interleague matchup of a mediocre pitcher vs. a tough lineup in a hitters’ park and Happ happens.
Jose Bautista – 0-for-4, I know Bautista’s going to hit three bombs tonight because I’m about to write this, but in June — 1 homer and a .259 average. Last year, only 4 homers in June and a .179 average. Bautista did go back to the Smackdown in July.
Travis Wood – 7 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks. After the first inning where he gave up 4 runs, he settled down and stopped letting Volquez call his pitches.
Ivan Nova – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks. He seems to have a great start then a terrible one. Maybe Nova is a star that suddenly becomes much brighter than normal and then gradually returns to its original brightness.
Mariano Rivera – 1 IP, 0 ER. Nothing to say here, but I was at my chiropractor yesterday — I’m so LA! (and I sit in front of my computer too much) — but I read a great article about cutters in Sports Illustrated from one or two weeks ago. I’d seek it out. Was about how so many pitchers are adopting the cutter. Hey, look, it’s like we’re in a book club!
Charlie Morton – 2 IP, 6 ER. He was walking between the raindrops for too long without getting wet. It was a nice ride, but now I’d bench or lose him in most leagues.
Jake Arrieta – 5 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks and a 4.50 ERA on the year. Yet, he has 9 wins. In other news, wins are stupid.
Juan Nicasio – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks. The roofie as defined by the Razzball Glossary: A rookie pitcher who fails to deliver on their tremendous K potential and, instead, abuses your trust and violates your ERA and WHIP. Used in a sentence, “Doctor, last night Nicasio roofied me and now I’m peeing blood out of my rear.”
Carlos Santana – 3-for-4 with his 10th home run and third steal. It’s a slam and legs, and it’s easy to digest. The average is blehtastic at .237, but his OBP is fine and his BABIP shows he’s been a bit unlucky. He’s still just a catcher, but his end of the year numbers are gonna look decent.
Jason Giambi – 1-for-4 with his 7th home run. Giambi’s a decent interleague flyer if you’re in dire need for power in a deep league. Short term play though. BTW, I just totally spazzed myself out thinking about how Giambi’s having a better year than Morneau. I will now walk into traffic wearing a burlap sack.
Orlando Hudson – 3-for-4 with his first homer. I didn’t see it, but I’m guessing Pesky-fueled. O, you, dog.
Chase Headley – 4-for-5, and hitting near .500 in the last week. Wanna know why? Because he wants to hug you. No. That’s not why. Cause he’s away from Petco. This year — .336 in away games. .235 at home. In 2010, same shizz, different year.
Starlin Castro – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd home run and 9th steal. I’m a bit embarrassed to say this because I have Castro on a bunch of teams, but I thought he had more homers. 2 homers? Really? Really, Seth Myers?
Clayton Kershaw – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 11 Ks. I have a bit of a schoolgirl crush on him. That is all. (Unless he wants more. I’m totally open for that.)
James Loney – 3-for-4 and 6 for his last 11. Hitting over .290 for two straight months and– I’m sorry, I can’t get excited about him.
Ryan Braun – Missed yesterday’s game with a viral infection. Oy, someone make the Hebrew Hammer some matzoh ball soup.
Jeff Niemann – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. I’m going to sound like an obstinate broken record here. But I don’t buy into Neimann at all. At all. At–
Evan Longoria – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs with his 6th home run and is hitting .237. So Pujols, Hanley, Wright, Longoria and Crawford are lured into The Octagon, who wants in first?
Leo Nunez – So spooked by strange noises in his hotel in Florida that he spent the weekend at his friend’s home. Some meddling kids figured out it was Robb Nen draped in a bed sheet.
Hanley Ramirez – New (<–ironic! (if I am using the word ironic correctly) manager, Jack McKeon, benched Hanley in his first game. The 80-year-old manager said, “In my day, bats were made out of particle board. They weighed 5 times a player’s body weight and you had to put them together with wood screws.” He continued, “Look, there’s no miracle elixir that can get us back into first…but McKendrick’s Revitalization Potion #7 never hurts!”
