Fantasy Baseball Advice

In our 2012 fantasy baseball rankings, we’ve gone over so many flippin’ players I’ve lost track.  This is, I believe, the top 60 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball, but you’re best to check the title to be sure.   If it is indeed the top 60 starters, then you’re in luck.  Only a few more top 20 rankings posts.  What is it, February?  March?  Why don’t I have an app for this?  Or do I want a hashtag?  App ‘n Hashtag would be a good name for a 50′s style diner with wifi.  As with the other rankings posts, tiers and my projections are mentioned.  Anyway, here’s the top 60 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball:

41. Michael Pineda – This tier started in the top 40 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball.  This tier ends at Wainwright.  I called this tier, “Might be fine, won’t be fine on my teams.”  I had already went over my Michael Pineda 2012 fantasy. That was before the trade to the Yankees when I was still eating some serious M-Pineda’s.  His projections then were 12-10/3.40/1.10/195.  I had him originally ranked 19th overall for all starters.  Now in The House They Built Across The Street From The House That Ruth Built, I’m slightly worried.  Much has been said about his Home/Away splits.  After the Montero/Pineda trade, some of it was said here.  He’s young so there’s plenty of time to see how well he adjusts.  For now, I’m going to let someone else take the chance on him.  What it really comes down to is it’s not very difficult to find solid starters, so there’s no reason to take unnecessary risk.  2012 Projections:  14-9/3.75/1.15/180

42. Adam Wainwright – The notes coming out of Spring Training can talk about how Wainwright did Tommy John surgery like Jon Stewart did Tucker Carlson.  Won’t matter to me.  I’m not going anywhere near him.  Someone would have to don a mustache and feathered hair wig and impersonate me in order for him to show up on any of my teams.  2012 Projections:  12-7/3.75/1.28/140 in 160 innings

43. Roy Oswalt – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Garcia.  I call this tier, “Guys that no one seems that excited about that I’ll draft.”  We’re solidly in the class of pitchers here that will probably be a solid number 3, which usually stands for the vomit you have while you’re crapping, but in this case it’s a fantasy pitcher that doesn’t compete for the Cy Young but can anchor your staff like a metal piercing.  As of right now, it looks like Oswalt will sign with the Red Sox, which would make the most sense for both.  The Red Sox need a starter and Oswalt needs overalls and a tractor which the Red Sox would help pay for cause they need a starter.  See, both are happy.  Oswalt pitched well enough in the bandbox called Citizens Flank so I wouldn’t be worried about him in Fenway.  At this point in his career, he is who he is no matter where he plays.  2012 Projections:  14-10/3.65/1.22/140

44. Jhoulys Chacin – I think there’s an outside chance we get a number one starter out of Chacin and I almost ranked him in the top 40 starter post.  What ended up having me rank him here instead is threefold.  First fold, his walks can be a bit obnoxious.  Two fold, his K-rate dropped last year.  Three fold, whoever heard of a three fold?  Do they have a threefold on your planet?  If Chacin can regain his K-rate and just reduce his walks by one per nine innings, you have yourself a top 20 starter.  All aboard!  Actually, all excited!  2012 Projections:  12-10/3.60/1.26/175

45. Trevor Cahill – When he went to the Diamondbacks, I said, “Even if his new ballpark is slightly more favorable for hitters, he’s got a solid sinker and he’s going to be facing the Giants, Padres and Dodgers, the Moe, Larry and Curly of lineups. I didn’t like Cahill at all the last two years, but I’m willing to reevaluate.  I’m not stubborn.  *through clenched teeth*  Fine, he looks draftable now!”  And that’s me quoting me!  2012 Projections: 12-10/3.60/1.35/160

46. Jaime Garcia – You want another thing this tier could be called?  Fantasy starters that should be around a 3.50 ERA, but aren’t going to strike out 200 guys.  After I said I didn’t like Wainwright or Carpenter, I was getting letters from the Vatican that I had something against Cardinals.  See, I like Jaime Garcia, so it’s not a Jew thing.  Though Dave Dinkins might think there’s some truth to the conspiracy since now I’m just liking a “Hymie.”  2012 Projections:  11-9/3.65/1.30/160

47. Neftali Feliz – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Holland.  I call this tier, “I have problems with Ranger starters.”  Arlington is basically the AL version of Coors and I’m not getting involved in that shizz.  Here’s what I said earlier in the offseason when it was announced Feliz would start, “His K-rate last year was a huge shambles or Suge Hambles if you roll with rap impresarios who are into spoonerisms.  I’m not sure how a closer could even have a K-rate of 7.80 with Feliz’s stuff.  I’m not just saying that to sound stupid, though it probably doesn’t hurt.  His fastball, curve and change were all the same velocity as previous years.  He added in a slider, but adding that shouldn’t have killed his shizz.  Hitters were just making good contact, or, at least, better contact and not getting as fooled.  His walks also went through the roof.  I mean, 30 walks and 54 Ks in 62 1/3 innings is terrible.  Who are you, Kevin Gregg?  But as we know from Dempster and C.J. Wilson’s transition to being a starter, Feliz is probably going to have the best year of his young career.  I’ll be on the outside looking in though, feels like too much risk to me.”  And that’s me quoting me!  2012 Projections:  10-6/3.55/1.20/95 in 120 innings

48. Colby Lewis – Last year he proved fresh off the bloat shouldn’t be restricted to Asians.  His K-rate and ground ball rate went down and his fly balls went up.  In Arlington, that’s basically standing on the balcony with coke on your nose, firing a machine gun at dozens of people who are firing back.  Ron Washington, “Must we mention coke?”  Lewis’s ERA ballooned to 4.40 and he was shot.  This year?  He’ll be slightly better, but I see no reason to stick my neck out for him.  He’s a pig that don’t fly straight.  2012 Projections:  14-11/4.00/1.20/180

49. Derek Holland – Holland is an interesting name in this tier.  Post All-Star break he had an ERA of 3.06 while pre-All-Star break was only 4.68.  Shows you that there’s some good Holland days and some bad Holland days, usually because of the whisking of the eggs.  I’m not convinced that he’s going to give you those post-All-Star break stats over the full year.  His September BABIP was .211, which helped give him a 2.20 ERA and bolster his 2nd half stats.  If he’s around late enough, I could see possibly gambling on him, but my pitchers I drafted before him will have to be less risky.  2012 Projections:  13-8/4.00/1.32/180

50. Justin Masterson – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Hellickson.  I call this tier, “They got lucky last year.  If you draft one this year, you’re pressing your luck and may get whammied.” Most of the guys in this tier are ranked below where I saw them in most mocks and other ‘pert rankings.  If you see one of these pitchers going lower than I have them ranked, then you might want to gamble on one but they are due for a regression.  To put that more succinctly, I’d try to avoid these guys.  To put that even more succinctly, try to avoid.  Even more succinctly, avoid.  Most succinctly, av–.  Masterson had a 6.58 K/9 last year with a 3.64 xFIP.  Not terrible marks.  He gets a lot of ground balls, which is good, but, if he has just a bit of bad luck with those, his ERA is going to look ugly.  Worth avoiding on that risk.  2012 Projections:  10-10/3.85/1.32/160

51. Tim Hudson -  For full disclosure purposes — or porpoises, if you live in the sea — Hudson was originally ranked with Oswalt, but news just came out recently that Hudson may miss all of April due to his offseason back surgery.  If Hudson were younger, I’d consider an earlier timetable that says he could be back mid-April, but there’s no reason to take on an older pitcher who’s already hurting.  2012 Projections:  11-9/3.65/1.18/120

52. Doug Fister – His walks… His BABIP… His men left on base… His homers allowed… His uncanny ability to sing Kyrie from memory whenever someone calls him Mr. Fister…. They are all too good to be true.  I don’t think Fister will be unusable, but I also don’t think he’ll be a top 40 starter as most ‘perts have him.  2012 Projections:  12-10/3.85/1.18/140

53. Ervin Santana – He improved his walk and K-rate last year, but also got a bit lucky with his BABIP.  He’s a tough one to call.  He’ll either be a 3.75 ERA guy with around 180 Ks and 15+ wins, or he’ll be a 4-something ERA that just frustrates you from start to start.  I think it’s going to be more of the latter, if latter means the 2nd one.  Last year he threw a lot of sliders — more than anyone in the league and that’s reason enough to let someone else look to Ervin for magic.  2012 Projections:  12-12/4.00/1.30/170

54. Jair Jurrjens – If you’ve read this site for a minute (which is actually a long time if you go by the urbandictionary definition), you know how I feel about Jar-Jar.  You are just as likely to get his 2010 stats (4.64 ERA) as you are getting his 2011 (2.96 ERA).  Actually, that’s not true.  The stats say you should get a 4-something ERA every time out.  If you’re feeling lucky, then play the lottery and then go wash that Jurrjens right outta your fantasy team crosshairs.  2012 Projections:  11-9/4.15/1.35/100

55. Clay Buchholz – For any full season (which is very rare for Buchholz), he’s yet to have an xFIP under 4.  <sarcastic>Yay.</sarcastic>  He’s yet to have a K-rate over 7.  <sarcastic>Yippee.</sarcastic>  His walk rate for his major league career is 3.72.  <sarcastic>Terrific.</sarcastic>  2012 Projections:  10-6/4.25/1.30/125

56. Jeremy Hellickson – I saw Hellickson ranked around 30-ish overall for starters at other sites so I feel like I’m comfortable telling you to ignore him this late.  For some reason if he’s still around when you get this low into your draft, ignore him further.  Don’t go near him.  I’m not saying this because I was accused in the comments at the top 10 for 2012 fantasy baseball of being a Rays fan after my ranking of Longoria.  When are people gonna figure out that I don’t care about teams only about players?  I’m excited about McCutchen and Alex Presley, I don’t care about the Pirates.  I loved me some Matt Kemp last year, hated Andre Ethier.  The examples go on and on.  Sorry about this totally unfunny rant, but nothing annoys me more than being called bias.  I take this non-paying job way too serious!  As for Hellickson, his K-rate was 5.57 last year.  That’s good…For underhanded softball.  His xFIP last year was 4.72.  Sidney Ponson called and said stop stealing his xFIP.  Hellickson was lucky to not have a 6-something ERA last year.  Do not draft.  2012 Projections:  10-9/4.30/1.25/130

57. Jonathan Sanchez – This is a new tier.  This tier goes into the top 80 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball.  I call this tier, “Holy crap, there were a lot of starters I didn’t like in this post.  Let’s see some names I like.  Please.”  Glad to be outta that last tier that is going to elicit so many comments of this variety, “Why rank Hellickson above Jonathan Sanchez if you’d draft Sanchez and not Hellickson?”  Jonathan Sanchez and other names in this tier are coming with a lot of risk.  I like them, but I’m not reaching for them until I see some other schmohawk draft Colby Lewis or Fister or Neftali or Hellickson et al (which is not the Israeli airline).  My projections for the players in this tier I like may even look better than some of the players above them, but there’s a lot of risk hurdles for these players to jump to get to those projections.  For instance, there’s a much better chance Hudson reaches his projections than Sanchez comes anywhere near his.  I like these pitchers, but they are flyers.  You should know there’s no guarantee with these guys.  They may be number two fantasy starters or they may be off your team by April 15th.  As for Sanchez, his nickname Filthy Sanchez is perfect for him.  It’s filthy as in good and filthy as in bad.  He can strike out double digit hitters in a game or he can give up 12 baserunners in 4 innings.  A lot of times he gives you both.  2012 Projections:  12-11/3.95/1.35/185

58. Vance Worley – I think his 2011, which was fantastic, is partly due to hitters not being familiar with him.  He had a 8+ K/9 and a 3.66 xFIP.  Alone those numbers say he was a hotter piece of ass than his mother, Jo Anne Worley, ever was.  I think, unfortunately, Worley is a candidate for a sophomore slump.  That’s my gut talking though (unless those noises are coming from further south on my body).  When the gut talks, you listen or you end up needing an antacid.  2012 Projections:  12-9/3.75/1.27/130

59. Mike Minor – I almost put Julio “The Sheik” Teheran here.  Who’s the Braves fifth starter?  Can we just draft “Braves fifth starter?”  Is that legal?  The heat is off Minor to be good and I will love him once again.  Last year I told you to draft him in every league, then when the Braves announced Beachy would be in the rotation instead, I told everyone to draft Beachy.  Minor?  He major.  Nothing wrong with the stuff.  If anything, he’s a year older (24) and can have a huge breakout.  Last year he threw over a 180 IP between the Braves and Triple-A, so if he pitches well, he might just throw 200 innings.  Yeah, there will be more mention of him this preseason.  2012 Projections:  10-8/3.65/1.28/170 (<–optimistic, but whatevs)

60. Wandy Rodriguez – He’s exactly the pitcher he was last year (3.49 ERA, 1.31 WHIP, 166 Ks), plus or minus .20 in ERA and 20 Ks.  He’s more or less overlooked because he’s on the Astros (shoot, people who work for the Astros overlook them) and he has little to no upside.  Will his numbers be better than Worley?  Prolly.  Would I draft Worley first?  Prolly.  There’s something to be said for upside.  If you’re not excited for your team in March, how excited will you be in June?  Look at February Grey getting philosophical!  I’m one upping Socrates.  I’m Mo’crates!  That might just be my rapper name too.  Yo, mo’ money, Mo’Crates!  Mo’ money, Mo’Crates!  Mo’ money, Mo’Crates!   I drink cream soda and I rock a toga!  King Minos got a powerful navy, and, yo, my beard and hair is wavy!  Try and read about me from Plato and your head will turn to mush… Nah, gravy!  Mo’ money, Mo’Crates!  2012 Projections:  10-10/3.65/1.30/170

In the last installment of the grading process, we have to look at the bad – those guys I, Albert Lang, was totally wrong about. As always, in the comments, feel free to beat your chest about who you were high on relative to the rest of fantasy baseball players! Thanks for reading!

Joe Nathan – After doing some research and talking to some folks, I was pretty sure Nathan was healthy and undervalued. Well, that wasn’t the case. He stumbled out of the gates and has been bogged down by the suckitude of the rest of the Twins. His year would look better if the Twins were capable of doing anything, but 13 saves isn’t going to cut it. It’s the 31^st most at the position and less than Kevin Gregg, Javy Guerra, Frank Francisco and Matt Capps.

Madison Bumgarner– I don’t think I was more off on a player than Bumgarner. I had him as the 76^th best starting pitcher, while consensus had him around 37. I saw Bumgarner as an uninteresting 3.50 ERA pitcher with a WHIP around 1.25 and 130 Ks. I wasn’t totally off on the ERA (3.32) or WHIP (1.24), but man I didn’t think he’d pitch this many innings with this kind of K-rate. Bumgarner sits as the 30^th best SP in fantasy this season. Whoops!

Jair Jurrjens – Like Bumgarner, I was pretty far off on Jurrjens. I had Jurrjens as 99 among starting pitchers, consensus had him around 50. I had him pegged for a 3.90 ERA, 1.33 WHIP and 130 Ks. I was incredibly concerned about his durability. While I nailed his inability to rack up Ks for you (the Braves have shut him down and he has just 90 Ks), his ERA (2.96) and WHIP (1.22) more than make up for those shortcomings. In fact, Jurrjens is the 36^th best pitcher in fantasy this year.

Pablo Sandoval – I didn’t differ with consensus much on Sandoval, but enough to make it really matter. The “royal we” had Sandoval as the 12^th best 3b, I had him as 15. I said he was a .300 hitter (I was right there) but with moderate pop. His 23 HRs (while missing time with an injury) are the opposite of moderate. Sandoval is the 10^th best 3b this season.

Tim Hudson – I was way off on Tim Hudson. While he wasn’t loved in the community (39^th SP), I really hated on him (65^th SP). I pegged Hudson to finish with a 3.40 ERA, 1.23 WHIP, and 140 Ks. Well, Hudson is the 18^th best SP in 2011 with a 3.19 ERA, 1.13 WHIP and 150 Ks. He’s beaten my projections pretty well. He keeps going out there and converting balls in play to outs. Congrats!

Daisuke Matsuzaka – Man, that was a bad call.

Brian Roberts – I don’t know which sleeper call was more laughable, Brian Roberts or Dice-K. Probably Dice-K, because when I wrote the Roberts section he was, supposedly, technically, healthy. God, why wouldn’t the Orioles trade him two years ago?

Logan Morrison – I thought Morrison would be an 80 run threat with a decent average and some moderate pop. Well, the pop has been anything other than moderate (23 HRs in 462 ABs), however he has scored just 54 runs and batted a disappointing .247. He’s gotten on base and the power is a great sign going forward, but he didn’t do what I expected this year.

Bobby Abreu – I had Abreu as a .265-.270 hitter with a .360 OBP, 90 runs, 18-20 HRs and 23-25 SBs. He hit .253 with just 54 runs, eight HRs, but has 21 SBs and a .353 OBP. I’d like to call this one a push, but it isn’t. I was wrong; Abreu is in full on decline now. What a great career, but the lights have clearly gone out.

James McDonald – It should come as no surprise that I love James McDonald. I had him down for an ERA in the 3.00s, a WHIP around 1.30 and 180 Ks. Well, he has 142 Ks, a 4.21 ERA and a 1.49 WHIP. He has shown improvements, but that’s still a swing and a miss. That said, I did like him more than Carlos Carrasco, JA Happ, Mike Pelfrey, Randy Wells, Carl Pavano and Tim Stauffer. With the exception of Stauffer, I was dead on, making this just short of a clear push.

Brett Cecil – It just never came together for Brett Cecil the way I thought it could. I had him as the 62^nd best SP before the year, whereas he went largely unranked/undrafted by the masses. I saw an ERA somewhere between 3.85-4.15, 140 Ks and a WHIP in the 1.30-1.35 range. Well, the ERA (4.73) and WHIP (he’s at 1.33) are far from great. However, he never got the innings I thought he would and is sitting at just 87 Ks. I believe in him long-term, but he didn’t provide much value to teams in 2011.

Ike Davis – I personally blame the medical staff who work for the New York Metropolitans – but, then again, I know they haven’t been too successful lately. Moving forward, Mets players should have a Red Letter attached to their name.

Mike Aviles – I missed badly on Aviles. I ranked him as the 12^th best 2b and 9^th best SS. I believed he was capable of putting up a .290 average, 10-15 HRs and double digit steals. I must have been drunk when making that assessment.  Aviles is the 38^th best 2b, behind such standouts as Robert Andino, Brent Lilibridge and Aaron Miles. He fared a bit better against the shortstop pool, coming in at 30^th, although he is behind all glove, no-hit Brendan Ryan and Willie Bloomquist, who is all-nothing. He did have seven homers and 14 steals, but the .255 batting average and sporadic playing time made him worthless.

Jed Lowrie – It’s hard to say whether I was more incorrect about Lowrie or Aviles – it’s like comparing Bachman Turner Overdrive and Paul McCartney and Wings. I did couch my Lowrie prediction in a lot of qualifiers, but at the end of the day had him as a .274 hitter with 15 HRs and believed he was a likely top 25 player at the position. Sounds like a pretty flimsy projection. And yet, I still whiffed like Mark Reynolds does while batting/fielding. Lowrie, the 41^st ranked SS at the moment, is batting .252 and has tallied just six homers. He can’t stay healthy. I must repeat that to myself.

Daric Barton – Another horrible call. I truly believed Barton’s plate discipline would result in a cheap and easy 85 runs. I also saw him as similar to Gaby Sanchez from a few years ago, with double digit power + upside. It was clearly a deep league play, but I did advocate for Barton over James Loney. As for the tale of the tape: Barton has a .212 average, 27 runs and zero homers and has logged just 236 at bats. While Loney has sort of sucked, he’s been way better than that.

Aaron Hill – While I ranked him lower than where he was going in most drafts, I also thought Hill could bat .260 with 25 HRs and 70 runs/RBIs. The only thing that made his numbers approach my expectations was a trade to the desert. Hill currently sits at .246 with just eight homers. He does have 61 runs and 61 RBIs, so my 70/70 wasn’t too far off. But, yikes, 2009 was a long, long, long time ago.

Mitch Moreland – I thought Moreland would easily hit 20 HR and drive in 80 RBIs and that he could finish top 15 at 1b. Wow, was that wrong. Moreland has 16 HRs and never showed enough skills to get the PT required to reach 80 RBIs (he has just 51). He is not only outside the top 15 1bs, he isn’t even in the top 30.

Brandon Allen – Allen never got the playing time and he was really just a stab in the dark for me. Still, when he has gotten into games, he has done nothing. He has a .200 average and just six homers in 175 ABs.

Juan Miranda – The thought of Miranda having 20+ HR potential is laughable now. Fighting off Xavier Nady and Russell Branyan wasn’t even possible for the slugger who has sluggishly batted just .213 with seven homers in 174 ABs.

Ryan Hanigan, Josh Thole, A.J. Ellis – These guys never got the at bats to do anything. They were decent gambles, but hit just 11 HRs combined.

Mark Ellis, Sean Rodriguez, Eric Young Jr. – Ultimately they didn’t come close to anything resembling a sleeper. Thankfully, you couldn’t have spent much on them. Young did steal some bases, despite having a really hard time actually getting to first base – so there’s that!

Jose Lopez, David Freese – I thought both guys would be cheap enough to make any contributions worthwhile. Freese hasn’t played much because he has been hurt (typical), whereas Lopez hasn’t played much because he sucks (typical). Both have shown signs down the stretch, but were basically worthless throughout the year.

Dexter Fowler has been hotter than a junebug on the back of a furnace’s ass, or some other yokelism.  Dexter?  I hardly Fowler!  Huh?  In his last seven games, a .423 average and 2 homers.  He’s not good for anything more than the occasional dinger, which only sounds talk between a wife and her friends.  He is hitting on top of a lineup that puts up runs and he has speed.  While he’s hot, I’d grab him everywhere.  Don’t get left out in the cold.  Remember you can’t spell Denver without Dexter envy.  Or you can’t spell Dexter Fowler without DTF.  That’s Doubles Triples Forget about homers.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

David Murphy – He was nearly the lead for today’s Buy post.  That’s how much I like him.  You have to really strike a nerve about needing to be owned in every league to get the lead, but you have to come close to striking said nerve to almost be the lead.  Talk about the pinnacle of one’s career.  Put it on the back of your ball card, kid!  You almost made a Razzball lead!

Alex Presley – And he almost-almost made the lead!  Wow!  It’s raining praise like a church that mysteriously appears in the Bermuda Triangle! (<–Confusing comparison of the day!)

Alex Rios – He didn’t almost make any lead.  I kinda don’t even want Rios to do anything because I absolutely know it’s just going to cause people to come out of the woodwork next March asking about him. “Buh-buh-buh-but, Grey, sir, your almighty ‘stacheiness, Rios was good last September.  Big things in 2012, right?!”

Alejandro De Aza – Alejandro is hot like Mexico!  And just think, when he’s no longer worth owning, you can tell your friends you just did the Alejandrop.  Don’t get sad!  Imaginary friends work too!

Kosuke Fukudome – It’s the week of the hot outfielders, huh?  It reminds me of that week in 1993 when Jim Eisenreich was in the middle of a 7-for-12 stretch but Philly fans still wanted to throw batteries at him because he kept cursing at them.

Jon Jay – He has 2 homers and hitting .522 in the last week.  I got Federalisztomania!  What, no Phoenix fans?  You, “I thought French rock was a stale baguette.”  You’re such a snob!

Jason Kipnis – Nothing goes better with a bagel and cream cheese like Eli Whiteside.  But Kipnis is good for a nosh if you need a middle infielder.

Scott Sizemore – ESPN wrote something recently saying Sizemore could be a sleeper in 2012.  Way to take a stand!  Of course he’s going to be a sleeper.  The problem is the A’s need to move their fences in about 1.2 miles.  In all directions.  You could have a front row seat by 1st base and need binoculars.

Trevor Plouffe – His last name sounds like the sound a turd makes when it hits the toilet water.  Hehe.  Sorry, that’s juvenile.  But, seriously, he-effin’-he.  Um, so he’s been hot– Sorry, I have to move on.  His name’s just too ridiculous.

Juan Francisco – I spy with my little right eye a worthwhile add for right now in NL-Only leagues.  Since Rolen is following in Glass Chipper’s footsteps, I imagine Francisco will see the majority of the at-bats for the remainder of the season, which means he could become mixed league sexy.  Otherwise known as a swinger.

Dayan Viciedo – He’s done nothing but swing a hot bat since his call-up, so of course Ozzie benched him the other day.  Oh, Ozzie, you make me a little crazy.  *shaking fist at the sky* A little crazy!

Cliff Pennington – Has good speed and can teach you how to golf.

Dee Gordon – He’s good for steals.  Yadda³.  On a side note, I was thinking about how I can’t imagine Don Mattingly ever getting fired.  Maybe because I grew up in the tri-state area when he was a God, but I can’t picture any scenario where Mattingly is blamed for anything.  “Ooh, it’s Donnie Baseball, it’s his back’s fault the Yankees aren’t winning.”  The Dodgers will have to be folded into the Padres (and the Dodres still wouldn’t have a good offense) to get Mattingly out of his job.

Marco Scutaro – Hitting .476 in September and…Ugh, don’t make me say anything else nice about Scutaro.  He’s hot as of right now, that’s all I got.

Edwin Jackson – Hasn’t had a bad start in over a month…Which makes me think he’s gonna have one tonight because I just jinxed him.  Stupid superstitions.  Anyone see where I put my rabbit’s foot?

Bud Norris – BTW, I just went over borderline fantasy starters for the next week, and, really, this late in the season there’s no reason to look more than one week in advance in most leagues.

Bobby Parnell – Own unless you’re in a British ex-con league with a No-Bobby rule.

Kenley Jansen – Word out of the mean streets of sunny LA is Jansen or Guerra could be the closer next year.  So those in deep keeper leagues who are looking to stick someone on their team for cheap this year that could have huge value next year, grab Jansen.

Jason Motte – Member during the 2010 preseason when I said Motte should be the closer?  So I was a year and a half early.  Well, here’s the thing, I time travel so much I sometimes forget what year I’m in.  BTW, invest in AOL, they’re about to merge with Time-Warner.

SELL

Fernando Salas – I could see holding him in some leagues where you’re very desperate, but in most leagues you’re looking at a guy that might get a save or two or might be closing out the seventh inning.  I.e., I’d prefer the apple sauce instead of the misspelled Mexican sauce.

Brandon Morrow – His next start is against the Sawx, who just mollywhopped him for 8 earned, and the Jays might limit him since he’s above his career high in innings.  You guys had a good run.  Get his address and go hide in his garbage can with a Jiffy Pop container over your head so you can see anytime you want.

John Danks – Who’s more infuriating than this schmohawk?  A three hitter followed by an 8 earned run game.  There’s gotta be better matchup guys on waivers.  Move on, there’s nothing to see here.

Jair Jurrjens – He’s out until the playoffs.  That’s nice.  Later!

Grady Sizemore – I guarantee you, with his stats, if his name was Crappy McCrapstein, you wouldn’t own him.

Adam Lind – I hate to outright drop a guy capable of a four homer week, but it seems like his wrist is sore and his power looks zapped, and not zapped like that awesome early 80′s movie with Scott Baio.  I wonder if him and Willie Ames are still friends.  They were like peas and carrots.  I bet David Aardsma is glad that Willie Aames devoted his prodigious talent to acting instead of baseball so he can stay first in the baseball dictionary.

This year Doug Fister has been a revelation like a Dorito in the shape of the Virgin Mary telling you it’s time to change your underwear.  Mystically, making something out of nothing and turning it into a little something-something.  13 strikeouts yesterday?!  Doode has never struck out more than 6 prior to this year.  I never thought I’d say this, but I really like Fister and it hurts so good.  Sure, I’m pretty easy.  Strikeout some guys and I get all googly-eyed, but he now has a 2.64 ERA on the Tigers and a 3.17 ERA on the year with a 1.14 WHIP.  Fister?!  I hardly knew her!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Carlos Beltran – Missed yesterday’s game with food poisoning.  You can call him Upchuck Beltran.

Dexter Fowler – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and 2 homers.  Now has four homers in the past week.  Pick him up in all leagues.  For a while I’ve been saying he’s capable of being a poor man’s Shane Victorino.  You know, Feign Victorino.  So the power isn’t totally coming out of left field, um, center field.

Mike Stanton – Missed yesterday’s game and could miss several more.  I’m pouring some of my forty out for you.

Jair Jurrjens – Will be out at least two more weeks.  If you don’t have the DL room, wash that Jurrjens right outta your team.

Brian Dinkelman – 3-for-7 as he was recalled and started in both games of the doubleheader.  Take that, Ryan Seacrest!

Sergio Santos – In first game of the doubleheader, he didn’t start the ninth in a save situation then came on, gave up a run and was pulled for Chris Sale.  Santos is the closer still, but Ozzie’s been known to flip the script on sanity occasionally.

Zach Stewart – 9 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 0 Walks, 9 Ks.  Brilliant start, obviously, but in his last game vs. the Twins he gave up 6 earned in 4 2/3 innings and that’s just as likely to happen again next time.  Too late in the year to trust a rookie pitcher.  BTW, in Chicago, Zach Stewart’s fans should dress up like bears and they can be known as the Stewart root bears.

Jason Bay – 2-for-4 with a homer.  I feel dirty even saying this, but he has two homers in the last three games.  He’s obviously not a spectacular option, but he might be okay for a week or so.

Grady Sizemore – 0-for-4 as he returned from the DL and hit leadoff.  Just in time for the Indians to pretend they still have hope for the playoffs.  Crazy the only real race in baseball is the Rangers and Angels and I don’t really buy the Bobby Grichville Angels have much of a shot for the playoffs.  Maybe Selig will cook up some new crackpot way to get more playoff races.  Bud Selig, “We’re gonna have a Wilder Card team next year and that team will play the All-Star game winner and then the winner of that will be an automatic World Series team.  Yes, that could mean the National League All-Star team might play the Brewers in the World Series, which will mean Prince Fielder’s on both teams.  It’ll mean ratings.  Die, football, die!  My toupee will now take questions.”

Henderson Alvarez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He’s been solid in three of his last four starts, but with H2H playoffs and roto championships on the line, I wouldn’t risk it with Alvarez this year.  Of course it depends on how much risk you need to take on.

Brett Lawrie – 1-for-3 with a steal and a walk-off homer.  Desmond Jennings who?  OH, NO, YOU DIDN’T.  I did, Al Caps.  NO, YOU DIDN’T.  I did.  DAMN.

Tim Stauffer – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K.  He totally roped me in again.  I saw Petco and the weak Giants lineup and I gave him another whirl and he defecated on my teams.  He’s probably just tired, but if he can’t be counted on in Petco vs. the Giants he’s so done.

Billy Butler – Yesterday, he hit two homers.  One for each of his oversized areolas.

John Axford – Threw a clean inning for his 41st save.  Now has a 2.23 ERA, 1.21 WHIP and 75 Ks in 64 2/3 innings.  His face is a bit too over-adorned with a soul patch, but he’s having a great season.  Too bad he’ll probably end up being drafted too high next year.

Robert Andino – 2-for-5 with his 3rd homer.  After his big game, he posed for his CBS profile pic.

Mark Reynolds – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 32nd homer and 6th steal for the slam & legs.  It’s been almost 10 days since the last time I said if only he’d hit .260.  If only he’d hit .260…

Erik Bedard – Next start is getting skipped because he’s Erik Bedard and he’s never healthy.

Josh Beckett – Left yesterday’s game with a sprained ankle.  His next start will probably be pushed back a few days as a precaution.  Or maybe they’ll just wrap it in police caution tape.

Bobby Jenks – After undergoing a colonoscopy, Jenks has been ruled done for the year.  The colonoscopy camera has been ruled done forever.

Mike Morse – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 25th and 26th home runs.  Slash slash dot dot.

Derrek Lee – 1-for-3 with a homer.  Is now 7 for his last 12 with two homers.  On Friday, someone in our fantasy sports forums asked who to drop between someone, someone, someone and Lee.  I told them to lose Lee.  I’m sorry, friend.  DL’s return from the DL has been bombastic, very fantastic.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 7 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Looks like he’s fixed whatever problem was bothering him… Actually, I’m not sure that’s the case, but it seems that way.

Madison Bumgarner – 8 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 13 Ks.  How about You Can’t Get More Than Two In On This Bumgarner?  How about that name, ‘son?

Pablo Sandoval – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and 2 homers.  Elias Sports Bureau reported that with Butler and Sandoval’s 4 combined homers, there was more home run trot moob jiggling yesterday than ever in the history of baseball.

Scott Sizemore – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in 3 games.  At least one Sizemore is performing this year.  If you need a middle infidel with some pop, I’d go with Sizemore.

James Shields – 9 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 KS.  Here’s a riddle for you:  What do James Shields and George W. Bush have in common?  If you answered, they both hit rock bottom when they were criticized by Kanye, you’re wrong, but I appreciate you trying.

Evan Longoria – 1-for-2 with his 25th homer and 2nd steal for the slam & legs, which is also a special at a Tampa area strip club.  Longoria’s hitting .236 on the year, which is because of a ridiculous amount of bad luck.  I’ll take him in the 2nd round of next year’s drafts without thinking twice about it.

Carlos Marmol – Threw a perfect inning for the save yesterday.  Cubs say we are (not) Marshall.

Mark Trumbo – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in three games.  He’s having a great year (26 homers, 8 steals).  No doubt, Stefani.  But his OBP is .297.  Um, burp?

Dellin Betances – Yankees are considering bringing up their best pitching prospect for the stretch run as a bullpen arm.  See Joba and Hughes for how I feel about Yankee pitching prospects, i.e. more hype than they’re worth.  Stephen went over his Dellin Betances fantasy not that long ago.  He wrote it while setting fire to a picture of me.

Jesus Montero – 2-for-3 with his first 2 major league homers.  The lucky fan who caught Jesus’s first homer returned it in exchange for a piece of the Shroud of Turin.

Kevin Gregg was handed his 6th blown save yesterday.  He’s tizzerrible.  I won’t defend him.  Your honor, no questions at this time.  I just don’t see the Orioles bothering to switch things up.  They’re defeated.  Look into their eyes and you see the shadow of Cal Ripken Jr. weeping with his back to you.  His shoulders go up and down and his sniffling, that’s how you can tell he’s crying.  Boog Powell asked that his BBQ stand at Camden Yards replace the pork and beans with pork and tiny violins.  Maybe Jim Johnson will see saves, but I wouldn’t drink that Kool-Aid.  Maybe Mike Gonzalez finally reverts to the donkeycorn he once was.  Maybe Kevin Gregg gets new athletic eyewear that doesn’t make him look like a dork.  The O’s average about 4 save opportunities per month.  I’d hold one of them and that’s it, preferably Gregg, though that might be the wrong choice of words.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jordan Walden – Reports are saying he’s tired.  Well, then go take a nap.  Maybe he’s exhausted from carrying around two last names all year.  If the Angels need to work around his fatigue, they’ll probably go with Takahashi or Downs.  Order is a coin flip.  Or as Al Pacino would say, “No, your order is a coin flip!”

Justin Morneau – He’s officially pulling a Kotchman as he suffers from mild concussion symptoms.  It’s as if his brain is a chicken wing joint and it just goes up and down the Scoville scale.  If I were him, I’d dip my head in bleu cheese after batting practice.

Michael Pineda – The Mariners have decided to shut down the rookie after 3 more starts.  I can’t believe they’re giving up their chance at a winning season.  How are they going to win 24 of their next 28 while keeping their 2nd best pitcher on the bench?  Fun aside:  his anagram is Pinhead Malice, which would be an awesome rock group name.

Brett Cecil – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Seems like every year he just sets himself up to be a sleeper the following year.  It’s his special purpose.

Brett Lawrie – 1-for-4 with his 6th homer, a day after stealing two bags.  That sound you hear is fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!) rubbing their hands together in anticipation of drafting Lawrie next year.

Jair Jurrjens – 6 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Wearing a ship captain’s hat, the Fangraphs Database yelled, “Regression, right ahead!”

Wade Miley – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  When he was first called up, I said I’d watch him for mixed leagues.  Well, I watched, and, well, whatevs.  I’m not risking my teams precious ratios on him unless I absolutely must gamble.

Stephen Strasburg – Will return next Tuesday, i.e., the day the Nationals become relevant again.  Livan Hernandez, “You know, I resent that.  Also, are you going to finish that lamb chop?”

Danny Espinosa – 1-for-3 with his 19th homer.  Has now hit in 6 straight games, which is a very optimistic way of saying he has one hit in each of his last 6 games.

Mike Morse – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs, 2 runs and his 23rd homer while he bats .318.  His BABIP is pretty high which makes me think next year when you have to draft him before the last rounds, he’s gonna disappoint.  As Shakira sang, BABIPs don’t lie.

Javier Vazquez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Was it too much to ask for him to do this in April before I dropped him from all my teams? I will now go step on the business end of a rake.

Mike Stanton – 3-for-4 with a slam & legs.  His dad reminds me of Jim Leyland.

Hanley Ramirez – Left his rehab start after his shoulder acted up.  It didn’t have the range for Hamlet.

Mike Trout – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and two homers as he beat up on the M’s and Mike Carp in what I’ll dub as The Fish Bowl.  Trout has homers now in his last two games.  The only problem is the Angels have played other games in that time while Trout’s sat on the bench.  With only two starts in the last week, it’s hard to fully get behind him.

Henry Sosa – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Did he splash water in his face after each inning a’la Sammy?  Or stick a needle in his ass?  This start comes after a 6 IP, 1 ER last time out.  Next time out could be 4 IP, 5 ER.  I would stay away.  Ixnay on the Enryhay.

Jose Altuve – 2-for-5 with a slam & legs.  He’s also hitting .313 in his 150 ABs so far. With his position eligibility, I’d definitely take the flyer if he’s out there.

Doug Fister – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Had a perfect game going into the 7th inning.  Jim Joyce, “Don’t look at me!”

Alfonso Soriano – 2-for-5, and now has homers in back-to-back games and 4 homers in the last week.  He’s not remotely exciting but he is currently hitting so there’s that.

Andre Ethier – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs with his 11th homer.  I’d say Colletti lit a fire under him but then he’d complain of a burned bum and wanna sit out on a block of ice.

Raul Ibanez – 3-for-5 with his 17th homer while being a total Gomer to Mayberry.

Ryan Howard – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 28th and 29th homers.  Would love to see a ten homer month of September from Howard.  Cust kayin’.

Tim Stauffer – 1 2/3 IP, 7 ER.  Wait, what?  Oh, God, no!  Wait, no, c’mon.  Really?  *sobs, shakes fist at the sky* Why?!  He’s lucky if all I do is drop him from all my teams.

Trevor Cahill – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Cahill always seemed to elicit the most feedback in the comments whenever I ragged on him.  “No, Grey, he deserves a parade and you’re gonna make the float out of your criticism!”  That’s except when he’s not pitching well.  Where did all the smarter than thou’s go?  Probably onto fantasy football.

Alejandro De Aza – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs with his 3rd homer.  His bag is, uh, stealing bags.  He’s also hitting over .350 in the last week.  Thankfully he’s yet to show up at a game dressed up like Adam Goldberg.  What was Lady Gaga doing at the VMAs?  Did I suddenly lose touch or was that a bad SNL sketch, like the ones at the end of the show, that just went on too long?  Or was she auditioning for a role in a Cassavetes movie?

Jason Motte – The newly-appointed-maybe closer worked the 8th inning while Salas got the save.  Yup.

Jack Hannahan – 3-for-4 and is now batting over .400 in the last week.  Where does he find the time between this and saving games for the Pirates?

Jeanmar Gomez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Could be a Cleveland streamer at any moment, i.e., stay away.  BTW, this was overhead in the clubhouse yesterday, “Jeanmar, may I ask if you’re Flemish?”  “Why do you ask?”  “Because saying your name makes me hock up phlegm.”

Matt LaPorta – Was demoted to Triple-A.  That’s right, LaPorta was shown the door.