Fantasy Baseball Advice

Danny Duffy is much better than Stan Stuffy.  Or Brian Bruffy.  Now Gerry Guffy, well, he’s another story.  Stephen literally just went over his Danny Duffy fantasy.  He wrote it in pink highlighter while having cornrows put in his hair.  Oh, Stephen.  So what can we expect of The Duffman?  Maybe just a spot start.  Though when the Royals announced it was only a spot start they did wink, wink, nudge, nudge the Royals beat reporter.  His stuff/numbers have been dynamite this year.  The Royals should just keep him in the rotation.  I mean, who are they rushing to get back to in this rotation?  Jeff Francis?  Vin Mazzaro?  Nadir Bupkis?  No, blech and belch.  I’d grab Duffy in AL-Only and very deep mixed leagues then wait to see if he stays in the rotation.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Matt Guerrier – Just when you thought you had the Dodgers bullpen figured out, Don Mattingly bats his long, beautiful eyelashes and brings Guerrier on for the save.  How many closers do the Dodgers have now?  I don’t know, but more the Guerrier!  What’s that circling above Dodgers Stadium?  Oh my God, it’s save vultures!  Don’t you dare peck at Vin Scully!  He’s a national treasure!  I think everyone knows how I feel about Padilla.  I think he’s crizz to the ap.  He’s not an effective closer.  Guerrier, actually, can be.  That still means to get Guerrier to five saves on the year in the City of Angels he needs a wing and a prayer.  (Pun point!)  But I would grab Guerrier if I had room and really needed saves.

David Wright – The Mets made a shocking move yesterday putting Wright on the DL a day after saying he wouldn’t need the DL.  The Mets lie, when they cry…

Ubaldo Jimenez – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks.  After having a 16:15 K:BB ratio in his previous three starts, it’s good to see him have 7 Ks and only one walk in this game.  Well, I mean, it’s good for his owners to see, I don’t own him.  Natch!  (Though I do own Pedro Alvarez… Biatch!)

Troy Tulowitzki – 1-for-3 with his 11th home run.  Guess this means he’s going to now hit 10 homers in the next two games.  Well, ain’t you Prince Charles?  (Not sure what that means, but some old lady said it to me at the post office when she thought I was cutting.  Actually, it was more like, “Back of the line, Prince Charles!”)

Josh Johnson – His arm MRI came back negative, which is positive, not just in opposite world.

Rafael Soriano – To the 15-day DL with an elbow injury.  Or maybe he just didn’t like where they were planning on batting him during interleague.

Alex Rodriguez – 2-for-4 with 2 homers.  Or one homer for each time Cameron Diaz calls Jeter’s name out during sex.

Daisuke Matsuzaka – To the DL.  Alfredo Aceves will take Dice-BB’s spot in the rotation.  I look forward to Alfredo throwing meatballs to Saltimbocca.

Gio Gonzalez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Here’s what I said in the preseason about Gio, “He went 13 innings over the 30 inning Verducci threshold last year, but Verducci’s a crackpot who told you to avoid F-Her, Latos and Josh Johnson (in 2010).  I’m sorry, but he’s throwing darts at a board.  Can we all agree to never listen to him again?  This year I expect Gio to up his K-rate from 7.67 to a mid-8 and to keep his walk rate (which isn’t great) around where it is or lower it slightly.”  And that’s me quoting me!  So far his K-rate is in the mid-8′s and his walk rate is slightly lower than where it was.  Gio is real and he’s beautiful.

John Danks – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks as his team won but he stayed at 0-6.  My Win Karma is so terrible –> Match Game refrain, “How terrible is it?” It’s so terrible that we’re in 2nd in one league, 5 points out of first and we have a one in wins.  Not only is it a one, but we have only 12 Wins, making us 5 wins away from getting 2 points.  We have 12 wins after a month and a half!  That’s two wins a week even though our ERA is 3.49!   And one day in April we got 4 wins in that league.  We have 8 wins in 41 other days of the season.  Or less than a win every five days.  In one of our NL-Only leagues, we have 22 Wins.  Sorry, that was probably only interesting to Rudy and me.

Elliott Johnson – Now has 2 homers in his last two games and three steals.  For a middle infielder, I say the same thing as Fonzie’s horse, “What the hey!”  I’d grab him just to see if this hot schmotato can keep hitting.  Keep in mind, his minor league numbers say he has very little power, but he could steal 20 bases.

Wandy Rodriguez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, but no win because Mark Melancon blew the save.  Second time in 4 games Wandy’s gone this deep into the game and lost the win.  This Wandy no decision has me feeling Melancholy.  I would’ve been Lyon about it two weeks ago.  Maybe Wandy could help ingratiate himself to the bullpen by taking them to Six Flags and buying them spray-painted t-shirts.

Mark Melancon – First, the Astros refused to name Melancon the closer, now he blows the game.  In one of my leagues, I went to the Wilton Lopez dispenser and grabbed one.

Brett Wallace – 1-for-4, batting .321 and hit his 3rd homer yesterday.  Not terrible numbers, but, wow, this guy is yawnstipating.

Hiroki Kuroda – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks and his ERA is down to 2.80.  And, for whatever reason, I will still get questions on whether or not Kuroda’s worth owning.

Francisco Liriano – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Honestly, if he didn’t do this vs. the Mariners I was going to tell everyone to drop him.  So, now you have the good fortune of holding onto him.  Yay, you.

Jaime Garcia – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Now has a 1.64 ERA.  I could totally be remembering this wrong but I think Jaime Garcia has had a 1-something ERA two years in a row now.  Who died and made him Prince Charles?!

Roy Oswalt – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks in his return from the DL.  After the game, he said, “I felt good out there.  I was mumbo-jumboing around like a lily pad on the back of hornet’s nest.  Now where’s my tractor?!”

Asdrubal Cabrera – Hit his 7th homer yesterday.  In a race that has captivated Razzball nation and made me want to cry, Asdrubal now leads Morneau by 6 homers.  You don’t even want to know how many RBIs Asdrubal has compared to Morneau.  Let’s just say it’s more than double.

Brian McCann – 2-for-2 with 2 homers as he hit a pinch hit homer to tie the game, then in his next at-bat he won it.  Pretty heroic stuff.  Could be McCann hinting at another presidential run.

Julio Teheran – For what it’s worth — or wurst if you’re German — after his start on Wednesday, Teheran is being sent right back down due to the Braves schedule not needing a fifth starter for two weeks.

Daniel Hudson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Brought his ERA down to 4.03, next stop 3.50.  Woot, woot.

Matt Garza – 6 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Hope everyone took my advice to grab him.

Carlos Pena – 2nd day in a row with a home run.  He could hit 15 homers this month and it wouldn’t surprise me.

Tyler Colvin – Singer/songwriter, Tyler Colvin, was demoted to the minors.  As recently as last week, Matthew Berry said Colvin would hit 40 homers this year.  I kid you not.  Berry, “My motto’s go big or go home!  Maicer Izturis will be the MVP!  I go big or I go home!  Miguel Olivo will hit more homers than Miguel Cabrera!  I said it!  I go big or I go home!  I’m not saying all of these things will be true!  Or that some of them will!  Or any of them!  I go big or I go home!”

Carlos Beltran, or as I like to call him Rickie from My So Called Life because of his resemblance, went 3-for-5 with 6 RBIs and 3 homers yesterday.  2006 called they want Beltran back.  I’d put Beltran in the same boat as Sizemore.  In fact, I did yesterday.  He’s not going to steal bases anymore.  Those days appear closer in the rearview mirror than they actually are.  Beltran hasn’t even attempted a steal this year.  Watching him play and you realize Ron Kovic could give him a run for his money.  So if someone in your league thinks, Beltran is back to the 30/20 player he once was I’d check raise to the bettor and see what they have to offer.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Justin Masterson – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners, 6 Ks.  A pimply teenager runs into frame and screams, “Watch out!  Justin Masterson is falling back to earth!”  Then Roland Emmerich calls cut, but it’s too late.

Asdrubal Cabrera – 2-for-3 with his 6th homer.  Justin Morneau has one home run.  I want to remake the movie Seven and cast the role of Gwyneth with Morneau.

James Shields – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  You’d think I would’ve accidentally owned him in one league, right?  I mean, I am in something like ten leagues.  After all the misery he caused me last year, you’d think my kismet, karma or some touchy-feely K word would’ve backed me into owning him.  You’d think.

Eduardo Sanchez – With La Russa out with shingles (which you don’t get from raising the roof too much), Dave Duncan named Sanchez the lead candidate for saves in St. Louis.  That’s kinda brilliant.  A Cardinals beat reporter overheard Duncan’s side of the conversation with La Russa.  “Who did you want closing games– Sorry, Tony, I’m losing service.  Stupid iPhone!  You’re gonna have to call back later.”

Ubaldo Jimenez – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  I warned you in the preseason to not expect the 1st half of 2010 again, but this is getting ridiculous.  Something’s up.  He shouldn’t be this bad.  He’s not a 6 walks in 3+ innings pitched, uh, pitcher.  He’s better than that.  If his owner is fed up with him, I could see lowballing them to see if you could get him on the super cheap.

Matt Cain – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  And he took out two hippies in center field.

Eric Hosmer – Now has back-to-back games with a home run.  Also, has twice as many homers as Morneau.  FML.  And the M there stands for Morneau’s.

Melky Cabrera – 2-for-5 with his 5th homer.  And to think the Royals only signed him so they could confuse their fans into thinking the M. Cabrera in their lineup was Miguel.

Daniel Hudson – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Nothing’s changed from yesterday when I said he was a buy low.

Jaime Garcia – 7 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Fangraphs Database is on a 24-hour watch to make sure it doesn’t do anything it might regret as it waits for Garcia to regress.

Matt Holliday – 2-for-4 with his 5th homer as he bats .390.  I don’t want to yell fire in the theater of Razzball with this next statement, but Holliday is usually a bit more of a 2nd half hitter.  Yummo.

Brandon League - Second blown save in a row and his ERA is up to 5.87.  Jamey Wright has been solid but has no closer experience and it doesn’t exactly put the fear of God into hitters to hear they have to face Jamey.  Jameys get a bikini wax, they don’t close games.  Next up, Dan Cortes.  Loved him as the host of MTV’s Rock N Jock, but he has six and a third career major league innings, which means, League is probably safe, but in crazy deep leagues where you’re hurting for saves grab Wright just to be sure, and bench him.

Zach Britton – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks as he dueled with the M’s Jason Vargas (9 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks).  Somewhere, Bonds is muttering to himself, “That’s what you get with no steroids.  Sure, I’m the villain.  But you need a villain.  Muahahahahahaha…”

Javier Lopez – Notched the save because Brian Wilson needed the day off.  His beard was ready to go though.

Jordan Zimmermann – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks.  Now there’s the pitcher I signed up for back in March.    J-Z has 99 problems but a pitch ain’t one.

Ike Davis – To the DL with an ankle sprain.  He was seen walking around the clubhouse with a boot.  Supposedly, Garfield from Parking Wars put it on him.

Manny Ramirez was involved in a trade.  The drug trade!  Many people move to Florida to retire.  Manny just decided to do them in a slightly different order.  Manny said of the sudden retirement, “I’m at ease.  I’m now an officially retired baseball player.  I’ll be going away on a trip to Spain with my old man.”  First, he tests positive for estrogen, now he’s going to Spain with what sounds like a sugar daddy.  Manny’s a kept man!  The Rays suddenly have room for Desmond Jennings… Or Matt Joyce… Or Sam Fuld.  We grabbed Desmond Jennings in one league where we had room for a flyer.  Here’s some of what Grey said about Jennings in the preseason, “DJ is currently on the ones and twos for top ranked MLB prospects.  He’s never had an OBP lower than .360 at any stop in the minor leagues, so I don’t think the bottom is going to fall out on that in 2011.  If he’s getting on base, he’ll be stealing bases and scoring runs, whether he’s slotted leadoff or ninth.  Is he much more than SAGNOF?  Yes and no.  He can be more than SAGNOF for 2011, but, worst comes to worst (or wurst comes to wurst, if you’re German), he’s going to steal bases.  There’s the possibility of him getting 5-8 homers and he has the power for 12.  If he reaches the top end of his ceiling, you’re looking at Carl Crawford.  More likely, you’re going to open up this Crackerjack and get half a Carl Crawford.  Say a Carlford.  You ain’t got the Craw yet, kid!”  And that’s us quoting Grey!  In the short term, if the Rays go with Joyce, he has decent pop, but his average will be po’.  Or poor if you’re a completist.  Or poo, if you’re a middlist.  Sam Fuld, who sounds like a cartoon character, can steal 25 bases this year with little power.  Sounds okay, until you break that down to one steal a week and little else.  Anyway, here’s what else we saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Jered Weaver - 7 2/3 IP with 1 ER, 8 base runners, and 15 Ks.  That’s a Weaver family record!  Even more impressive is that he did this with Bobby Wilson as the catcher – if Jeff Mathis was the catcher, it would’ve been a no-hitter with 25 Ks.

Josh Beckett - 8 shutout innings with 3 base runners and 10Ks….against the Yankees.  Take that Weaver!  It seems like Beckett owns the Yankees but they crushed him last year to the tune of a 10.04 ERA in 26 IP.  So does this mean 2011 Beckett is back to the dominant SP that you would want to actually own on your team?  Not I.  Or is it not me?  Or not we?

Matt Thornton – After Thornton blew his second save, Ozzie tweeted, “Thornton is throws gas like me after a plate of frijoles.”  On Saturday, Chris Sale grabbed the save.  Here’s the thing, and there’s always a thing, Ozzie has no loyalty to Thornton, but Thornton also is better than he’s shown so far.  Don’t think Thornton gets every save and he may get even less than that if he keeps blowing saves, but right now I’d want him then Sale.

Ryan Franklin – Blew his third save on Saturday.  Motte hasn’t been good.  Mitchell Boggs hasn’t been bad but his best attribute is that he’s got the best law firm-sounding name this side of BenJarvus Green-Ellis.  La Russa will probably stick with Franklin for a few more blow ups, but I’d own Motte and Boggs, in that order.

Jaime Garcia – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Another gem on Saturday in spite of everyone saying a regression was coming this year.  Baseball-Reference’s Database had to talk Fangraphs Database down from the roof of a twelve story building.  “It’s not just your FIP.  It’s everyone’s.”

Carlos Beltran – Hit 2 homers on Saturday.  One for each knee he has problems with.

Chris Narveson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Now has 13 straight scoreless innings.  Someone go grab Orel Hershiser off the beach in Jamaica!  Not because Narveson is going to break his scoreless inning streak, but Orel’s really pale, you don’t want him to burn.  Grab Narveson in every single league you have room, you never know where a crazy breakout is going to come from.

Justin Masterson – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks and now has only given up 2 earned in two starts.  Could I have been a year early when I told you to grab Masterson last year?  It’s possible.  Sometimes when I pop out of my DeLorean, I have no idea what year it is.  It’s worth a flyer to see if Masterson can continue his early success, but I have less faith in him, the Indians and AL pitcher flyers, in general.

Russell Martin – Hit two four-baggers on Saturday.  Speaking of a four-bagger, for those who read my e-book, my friend from college, Dirty, was visiting me this week.  So we’re headed to this bar on Friday and he starts telling me about this girl he hooked up with on Tuesday night.  He’s like, “I was hooking up with her and then she starts making out with this girl… Then me… Then this girl….It was so hot!”  Now, my one experience with the bar he was at was seeing a friend’s band perform and there were a lot of lesbians there, so his story sounded plausible.  So I tell him to invite his bisexual girl to the bar we’re going to.  He does, but she has no car or cash.  He’s like, “I’ll pay the forty dollar cab ride for you!”  He’s giddy with excitement.  I’m giddy just to meet her.  He’s built this girl up to the point where I’m expecting Vanessa Hudgens taking pictures of herself.  She texts him from the cab outside, “Come pay for the taxi, I’m here.”  So he walks out while I stay inside the bar.  Fifteen minutes later, he walks in with his tail between his legs and a girl that can be best described as Rosie O’Donnell from the days of Exit to Eden.  She was wearing a denim jacket, a silver chain hanging from her jeans’ pocket and had a shaved faux hawk.  She wasn’t bi-curious, she was a lesbian.  Yeah, he still went home with her.

J.J. Hardy – Sidelined for six weeks with an oblique injury.  I see your appendix and intercostal and raise you an oblique!

Zach Britton – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Another solid start on Saturday.  Because he induces groundballs, his downside isn’t as bad as some other rookie pitchers.  He also doesn’t K a lot of people.  I’d prefer my SP flyer from the NL, but you do what you do, I do what I do and we’ll meet somewhere in the middle like Monie and Malcolm.

Hanley Ramirez – With a deep contusion on his leg, he’s out until Tuesday.  A deep contusion for Hanley is also known as a charley horse.

Ryan Zimmerman – Abdominal strain has knocked him out for a few days.  Zimm loves himself some day-to-day injuries, huh?

Brett Cecil – 5 IP, 5 ER on Saturday.  Hey, you took the flyer, gave him a chance, he touched your naughty bits and left you high and dry.  I’d start to look elsewhere.

Bud Norris – See 1/8th of an inch above…i.e., grab Narveson.

Andres Torres – Strained Achilles – consider him out until Friday.  Now if he has a doctor that stutters, no one will know when he says, “Heal heel!  Heal heel!”  The big problem with Torres coming into this year and his career is he had a hard time staying healthy.  Achilles injuries can linger, says the guy without the medical degree.

Ryan Doumit – Hurdle said he won’t play Doumit in right field or at first when Snyder returns.  I did enjoy Clint Hurdle’s quote about it, “It wouldn’t be fair to Ryan.”  He’s making it sound like he’s doing Doumit a favor by benching him.  This is like when you do the ol’ “It’s not you, it’s me” breakup.

Dan Haren – Got the relief win on Saturday.  In the dugout, the Sciosciapath was seen reading Dusty Baker’s book on managing pitchers, “They Weren’t a High Pressure One Hundred and Eighty Pitches.”

Jose Tabata – Knock Knock.  Who’s there?  Tabata.  Tabata who?  Tabata the Rockies are leaving town because Jose hit 2 HRs and stole 3 SBs in 4 games against them.  It’s been only 10 games but Tabata is showing signs of improvement vs. his rookie year.  He’s walking more than twice as much as last year, flashing more power (only had 4 HR in 400+ AB last  year), and is stealing more (5 for 6 vs last year’s 19 for 26).  While it’s highly doubful he’ll keep up this Bondsian/Eric Davisian pace (32 HR / 80 SBs), a 15/40 season isn’t out of the question.

Rajai Davis – For the love of Rajai!  Davis re-irritated his right ankle on Sunday.  Don’t they have band aids in Toronto?  Damn socialized medicine.  He will likely miss a couple games, just in time for Corey Patterson to appear off the DL, look great for a week or two, and then morph back into Corey Patterson.  This has the potential for the best SAGNOF fight with only CarGo Lite and Nyjer standing in its way.  And if Podsednik ever gets his act together, he can team up with Mike McCoy and the Jays can have a SAGNOF tag team event.

Stephen Drew – 4-for-4 with 3 RBI.  Looks like he’s holding Bloomquist in contempt.

Matt Kemp – That was 5 SBs for Kemp in the 3 game series at San Diego.  Maybe he just visualizes Chris ‘Tall’ Young on the mound.

Fernando Rodney – Just when you think that Scioscia has no respect for Rodney as a closer, he gives him another chance.  Even crazier, he throws a 1-2-3 inning.  Maybe it’s because Walden pitched on Saturday but Rodney had pitched on Friday and Saturday.  Go figure.  I still think Walden will get more saves this year but you’ve got to hold onto Rodney for now.  Sorry in advance.

Yovani Gallardo - 4 ER and 11 base runners in 5 IP.  And only 2 Ks – which makes it 8 Ks in three starts (20 IP).  That’s Buehrlesque.  That’s not good at all for someone who’s averaged over a K an inning for his career.  Maybe he’s saving them up to impress Zack.

Metco – The Mets and Nationals hitters somehow made the quartet of Capuano (8 Ks), Gorzelanny (8 Ks), Marquis (9 Ks), and Chris ‘Tall’ Young (7 IP, 1 ER, 5 Ks) look like great pitchers.  If there’s anything to learn from this, it’s not to pick these guys up.  It’s to stream starters who face these two teams.

Jonny Gomes – Slam and legs!

Brandon Belt – Another 0-fer.  That’s 3 for 24 since the big HR in his 2nd game. We had a guy in one of our leagues spend his whole $100 waiver budget on Belt.  Ouch.  Obviously, Belt is better than this but it’s always a crapshoot with rookie hitters.  If you can bench him until he snaps out of this funk or gets demoted, do it.

Eric Bedard - That’s two bad starts in a row for Bedard.  The odds are low that he’ll pitch so poorly the rest of the year.  But that’s because there’s a 90% chance he gets injured and can’t pitch at all.

Evan Longoria is out 3 weeks with an oblique injury.  He’s not to pick up a bat, ball or AK-47.  Looks like the oblique is still the number one injury that no one has any clue about.  Intercostal injury twirls its Snidely Whiplash mustache and plots its revenge.  For those who lost Holliday and Longoria this weekend, I’m pouring some Mad Dog out for you.  BTW, I was just thinking something… CAN WE FIGURE OUT WHAT THE DEAL IS WITH THE OBLIQUE AND HOW TO PREVENT THESE INJURIES?  Seriously, modern medicine step up your game!  There’s gotta be something that we can do.  Have we tried to apply dolphin tears to the sore area?  If I were on Celebrity Apprentice, I’d be playing for a cure for oblique injuries.  This injury should guarantee everyday ABs for Sean Rodriguez.  Great, that eases my pain.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Matt Holliday – Out up to a month for an appendectomy?  Isn’t this an outpatient procedure?  My friend in high school had out his appendix then funneled a forty of Old E to ease the soreness.  Granted, he was mental and is now in prison, but c’mon… Buck up, players!  I own some of you in fantasy.  Having a similar procedure last year, Andres Torres returned after 11 days.  Corey Hart took 4 weeks, but he’s Amish.  I think Holliday will be out 3 weeks.  It’s too early in the season for them to rush him back.  The Federalist, Jon Jay should see most of the time in his stead.  Allen Craig will see the occasional ABs though, so in most leagues I wouldn’t add either.

Mike Minor – He’s back.  But it may not be for long.  Jar-Jar is set to make a rehab start on April 11th then potentially return after that.  So you’re looking at two maybe more starts from Minor.  I’d add him in all leagues, but I wouldn’t drop anyone worthwhile yet.  Because I’m psychic, I’ll answer your question right now.  Beachy over Minor for now.

Jaime Garcia – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Murray Chass — 1.  “Newfangled stats” that said Garcia would regress — 0.

Dustin Moseley – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks.  How about the gutsy performances the Hodgepadres gave this weekend away from home?  Sheer force-itude!    Wait a second, I’m now looking at the Cards lineup.  Hmm… They may as well bat the pitcher fourth.

Matt Garza – 7 IP, 3 ER, 12 baserunners, 12 Ks.  It’s an extravaGarza!  That’s a real nice sign even vs. the Pirates since their hitting isn’t its usual crizzap self.

Alfonso Soriano – 1-for-4 with a homer.  He was in the post about hitters who do well in April.  I’d give him the month to see if it holds.

Mike Napoli – Hit his 2nd homer.  Not much of a limb here, but he could hit 30 homers.

Nelson Cruz – 1-for-4 with his 3rd homer.  Kinsler also hit his third homer in yesterday’s game.  Over IM, Rudy said something like, “If Cruz, Hamilton and Kinsler were to play 155+ games, they’d all be MVP candidates.”  And that’s me paraphrasing Rudy!

Fernando Rodney – He’s hot garbage.  No.  He’s cold garbage that you take out of the trash can, put in the microwave and serve in a dirty ashtray.  The bullpen is in tatters.  Shattered.  I grabbed Takahashi in a few leagues because the Sciosciapath may see that he has closing experience and get the giggles.  Though I would grab Walden first, then Jepsen; they were, unfortunately, gone in my leagues.

Bobby Abreu – 4-for-4, homer.  Another guy that was in the best April hitters post.  Cust kayin’.

Howie Kendrick – 2 homers yesterday, 3 in four games.  I liked Kendrick coming into this year, and now I’m check raising to the bettor that he has a solid season.

Alex Gordon – 4-for-6, 4 runs, 1 RBI and batted third.  Cool, do it for another five straight months and all will be forgiven for the three years of anguish you put me through.

Ryan Hanigan – 4-for-4, 2 homers.  You ever wanna wonder if everyone in the world has a doppelganger but because there’s so many people you’ll never meet them?  Like somewhere there’s a Brian Hanigan who looks and acts exactly like Ryan Hanigan, but, instead of catching in the Major Leagues, Brian Hanigan lives in Fiji and catches coconuts when they fall from palm trees.  Yeah, maybe it’s me.  Hanigan could push Ramon Hernandez into a backup role rather than the timeshare they’re in.  But, as of right now, Hanigan might be tough to own in one catcher mixed leagues.

Jose Bautista – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer.  2010 called, they want your insane year back.  I still believe Bautista won’t come close to last year.  If he has twenty homers by the All-Star Break, then I’ll send out my mea culpas and buy everyone a Frosty from Wendy’s.*  *Offer not good in the 48 contiguous states, Canada or anywhere else.

Joe Nathan – Got the save but gave up an earned run.  I’d continue to hold Capps.

Miguel Cabrera – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs, 2 homers, and one late Saturday night with Charlie Sheen.

Brennan Boesch – 4-for-4, 4 RBIs, 1 homer and was hitting third because the unreliable-to-stay-healthy Maggs was out.  It’s a situation worth monitoring.  Or not.  Your choice.

Max Scherzer – 5 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks but the Win.  There should be a glossary term for when your pitcher does awful but because you get the win, you’re sorta okay with it.  Please make suggestions in the comments.

Phil Hughes – 4 IP, 5 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K and the Yanks pitching coach is concerned about his loss in velocity.  I wanted nothing to do with Hughes this year.  I.e., if you Hughes, you lose.

Jorge Posada – 2 homers.  Hip Hop Jorge!

Justin Masterson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 0 Ks.  Note to Self:  If Masterson has two more quality starts, start touting him as a pickup.  Note to Self, II:  You know as soon as you tout him he’s gonna kick you in the nads.  Note to Self, III:  There’s no Note to Self, III.

Carl Crawford – Dropped to 7th in the lineup.  Wow, Francona is like one of those crazy fantasy managers that drops their fifth round pick because they went 0-for-5.  Not naming any names.  Though there’s a few of you that might qualify.

Carlos Gomez – 1 for his last 8 with three Ks.  He was in Friday’s Buy/Sell, but he could also be on the bench by April 15th.

Brian Matusz – Going to the DL with a strained intercostal muscle.  Watch out oblique!  I’m gaining on you!  He’s a marginal 10/12-team mixed league starter at this point (mainly because of AL East and his crappy team) so you can drop him if you don’t have an open DL spot.

Zach Britton – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  First Brandon Belt, now Britton.  It’s hard to believe in Oriole SP prospects for mixed league play after the mixed results of Matusz (and Tillman and Arrieta and the Razztastic, Brad Bergesen).  Britton doesn’t project as well as Matusz, but he induces a lot of ground balls which should limit his downside.  And while his K-rate isn’t stellar, it’s not Buehrle-bad (7.60 per 9 IP in AAA).  For now, Britton’s a viable match-up candidate (I’d like to say great for the pun) assuming he’s not going against the AL East, Texas, or at Chicago.

Kyle Drabek – KD left us with a constant craving for more – giving up only one hit and 3 walks with 7 K’s in 7 innings.  I haven’t seen Twins abused that bad since this one porn…. Drabek’s a must-own in deep leagues but still pretty marginal for 10-12 team leagues.

J.P. Arencibia – 2 HRs and a triple on Friday.  Thatsa one spicy hitting line!  From now on, he will be known as Napolito.

Travis Wood – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks.  May not have made this known as much as I should’ve, but I absolutely love Wood.  Okay, that sounded wrong.  I’d definitely grab Wood.  Okay, still wrong.

R.A. Dickey – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I don’t like Dickey.  Hmm, this has devolved, hasn’t it?

Jordan Zimmermann – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, though when I saw the score was 11-2 I did have a bit of Ticker Shock.

Mike Morse – 1 for his first 9.  The retractable leash is stopped and soon I’m gonna start pulling him in.

Brian Wilson – Ready to return from his oblique injury.  Because of the mysterious Yin-Yang nature of the oblique, I blame Wilson’s good health for Longoria’s injury.

Ubaldo Jimenez – Might miss his next start because he switched manicurists and his cuticle was cut.  His plan is to try and heal his finger by soaking it in pickle juice, which sounds like a cure out of My Big Fat Greek Wedding or a Judy Blume book.

Bud Norris – 4 IP, 5 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Not great.  We’re in agreement on that point, but four came in the first (three were a homer by Howard), then he settled down.

Brett Wallace – 0-for-3, batting .091 so far.  His uncle George Wallace is not smiling in a blue suit at Brett’s performance so far.

Mike Stanton – Has a strain in one of his pony sticks, but he should be back in a few days.

Javier Vazquez – 2 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners.  Hey, at least he didn’t run over my dog.  I have very little patience with this schmohawk.  I’m not dropping him in my leagues yet, but I’m making contingency plans.  If I’m using the word contingency correctly.

Donnie Murphy – Will miss a day or two after being hit on the wrist.  Must’ve been Murph’s past coming back.  “I did some bad things, Fredi.”  That’s from Ben Affleck’s new movie where a Boston ex-con becomes a major leaguer but can’t escape his past.  “Hey, Sully, what the fick is a Mahlin?”  Starring Ben Affleck as Donnie Murphy!  And Casey Affleck as Chris Coghlan!  Ben Affleck, “Hey, Matty, how about you and me in a movie for old time’s sake?”  “Ask Renner.”  “You can use your Boston accent.”  “Ask Robin.”  “What, cause I’m not Martin Friggin’ Scorcese?  Where was Mahtin when you got in a fight in high school with Big Fitzy?”

We at Razzball realize that exporting our views across the country has damaging consequences on the blogosphere. To help make amends, we are reaching out to leading team blogs and featuring their locally blogged answers to pressing 2011 fantasy baseball questions regarding their team. We feel this approach will be fresher, more sustainable, and require less energy consumption (for us anyway). The 2011 Cardinals Fantasy Baseball Preview comes courtesy of Redbird Rants.

1. With David Freese, I see a guy who could hit 20 homers and bat .300.  Though I seem like the only one outside of his family that sees this for Freese.  Am I being too optimistic?

Too optimistic? Maybe. But there’s plenty of reason to be optimistic about David Freese. He was hitting .296 before his season ended prematurely in June. Freese looked like a solid ballplayer, reliable with the bat and in the field. Injuries got in the way. And those injuries left Cards fans skeptical about Freese’s ability to be the everyday third baseman for this club. Give the guy another chance before saying he’s fragile. If he stays healthy, I think he can hit .300 like he did last year and his entire career in the minors. The prediction of 20 home runs is why I say it may be “too optimistic.” Freese had only managed four home runs in 70 games in 2010. He struggled with his power. And it’s hard to see him putting it all together in his second season – first full (hopefully) – to find his power stroke. He has the potential, but power is often the last thing young players develop. I’d say a .275 to .300 batting average and 10 homers is realistic and a positive sign, especially if he plays 150 games.

2. My prediction for Colby Rasmus in 2011 is he will either go 25/15 or he will wake up one day with a scorpion in his bed placed there by La Russa.  What’s your prediction?

I’m with you on this one all the way. Rasmus showed flashes of greatness last year despite his problems with La Russa. At 24, Rasmus is one of the exciting young talents in the game. He can hit for average. He has power. He can run. He has all the tools to be an All-Star in center field for years to come. The only question: Does he have the character and work ethic to match his talent? Some of that comes out of his constant battling with La Russa, but Albert Pujols also saw him as a spoiled punk. He seemed to change after Pujols sat him down to talk. Hopefully, Rasmus is fired up to prove he’s as good as everyone says. If he matures at all, he’ll coast to a 25/15 season, something he missed by two homers and three stolen bases last year. The Cards need him to develop into a base stealer, considering Pujols led the team with 14 in 2010. I think Rasmus could go 25/20. But if he hasn’t matured, it might be in his best interest to miss the Cards first flight to Arizona for a Diamondbacks series.

3. In the trailer for the new Roland Emmerich movie, there’s a scene where a pimply teenager jumps out of his car and runs for his life, screaming, “Jaime Garcia is falling back to earth!”  Total fiction or plausible scenario?

Very plausible. As much as I loved how Garcia performed in 2010, I want to see it again this season before I call him the next big thing. Garcia was brilliant. He mixed his pitches like a veteran, and rarely got rocked. But he finished his season in early September due to pain his left elbow and he has already had Tommy John surgery once in his career. Arm problems with young pitchers can’t be ignored. And baseball is so tough and unpredictable. One season, a player can look like a Hall of Famer. And the next, he’s trying to find a job. One-hit wonders are just a part of sports. Take for example, Alan Benes. He went 13-10 in 32 starts as a 24 year-old rookie for the Cardinals in 1996. Benes would only start 35 more times in his eight-year career, compiling a 29-28 record. Arm trouble forced him to miss most of the 1998 and 1999 seasons. Fast forward to 2010: Jaime Garcia, 23, ties Benes’ rookie record for wins with 13. Will the same fate derail Garcia’s career? Only time will tell, but there is reason for concern.

4. This is a complete gut call but I think this year Jason Motte saves more games than Ryan Franklin in 2011.  Could be something to that or I need a gut check?

This is a tough one, but I think Franklin has enough to get the job done in 2011. As long as Franklin can get by, Tony La Russa is going to stick with him. He has been a decent closer for about three years and after getting through 2010 with 27, I think he’s capable of nailing down another 20 this year. I’m ignoring his soon-to-be 38-year old arm and his plan to retire after this season, and going with my gut feeling here. La Russa will trust Franklin to start the season as the closer. He won’t make a change unless he absolutely has to. Franklin should have incentive to go out with some pride.

5. The French established a village back in the 17th century that later became St. Louis because they were looking for a port city to take advantage of fur trading.  (Thanks, Wikipedia!) If La Russa and his PETA leanings were around three hundred years ago, how would he react to the French?  1) He’d find the smallest Frenchy and bat him ninth.  2)  He’d share a few glasses of wine with them then when he tried to ride his horse back to his teepee, he’d fall asleep.  3) Treat them the same as he treats Colby Rasmus.

I’ll go with No. 3. Can’t imagine too much good will for anyone taking advantage of animals.