You know, it’s been a rough week for Astros stud Carlos Correa. He’s batting .227 over his last seven games and hasn’t hit a home run since April 6. On top of that, he’s only making $516,700. Former elite shortstop and now DH for the Yankees, Alex Rodriguez, is making $21 million this season. Talk about income inequality. Anyway, when it’s all said and done, Correa has a real chance to earn more over the length of his career than A-Rod. He’s not just an up-and-coming player, he’s a total stud. Sometimes a day of rest is all you need to snap out of a funk. Correa got that rest on Sunday and now he’s ready to get back to business against a guy with the worst mustache in Texas, Derek Holland, who he just so happens to be 4-for-5 lifetime against with two homers. Can you taste that cheddar? Take advantage of Correa’s reasonable price tag like you take advantage of an open bar at your cousin’s wedding. The drought is over–everyone is drinking tonight.

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 10 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

And if Vince V. is so money, it would make the Padres a bunch of Swingers.  Seriously, tell me Vince Velasquez wasn’t money?  He struck out 16, baby.  He only gave up three hits, baby.  He is a beautiful baby, baby.  C’mon, he’s so money.  You gotta grab him, baby, you gotta.  Call him up on waivers, go ahead, c’mon, baby, call him up.  “Hi, uh, this is a random fantasy baseballer, which is, uh, Grey’s mom’s term.  I saw you struck out 16, uh, Padres, in a shutout and I was, uh, wondering–”  Machine beeps.  Call back, baby!  Velasquez wants you to!  “Hi, Mr. Velasquez, it’s me again.  Ha, silly movie answering machines always shutting off prior to a message ending.  I mean, who even has answering machines like this anymore–”  Machine beeps.  C’mon, baby!  You’re almost through that message!  Then you can go on to direct Iron Man and be the namelganger for a Washington speech writer, while I can go do a lot of blow with Jennifer Aniston and singlehandedly ruin True Detective playing essentially myself.  You gotta, baby!  You are so money!  So, Vince Velasquez went 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 16 Ks, and if he’s still on waivers in your league, I want to be in your league.  Yes, you should grab, like yesterday (preferably before his last start).  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

It feels so good to be back in the DFS saddle, does it not? I don’t know about you, but I’ve been taking it easy this first week. This week has been full of weird start times, random lineup decisions and even a snow out for Pete’s sake! SNOW! With a near full slate today, though, it’s a fine time to jump on in. It’s appropriate there’s a game at Coors today too, since I’m a big Coors stacker. Today will be no different and for those choosing to play the all day or 4 o’clock start time I would like to turn your attention to Jabari Blash. Blash was in the Mariners system for some time and was left exposed to the Rule 5 draft after bashing 32 HRs across two minor league levels last year. The A’s snagged him, traded him to San Diego and now here we are. You may not have heard of Blash, so here’s the 3 second scouting report. Blash can mash. Need more? Well, he doesn’t hit for average and he strikes out a lot, but that power! A little deeper dive shows us a .305 ISO last year in the minors, part of that was in the PCL, but still, the power is legit. Do you know what scores a lot of points in DraftKings games? Home runs, that’s what. Do you know what doesn’t count against batters in the DraftKings games? Strikeouts. Blash in Coors, even for the elevated price tag of $4,000 is worth a shot. Check the lineup and if he’s in, jump all over the somewhat unknown masher and reap the rewards. Let’s see what other picks we can unearth for the Friday slate.

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 10 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

With the top 80 starters for 2016 fantasy baseball, we are so close to the end of the rankings I can almost taste it!  Wait, that’s not rankings I taste, I bit my lip and it’s blood.  I wonder if when Dracula bites his lip it’s like when Cougs goes out with her friends and I’m left at home while Emmanuelle is on Cinemax.  You might say to yourself, “Self, everyone is totally fooled by my toupee and do I really need to draft starters this deep in my friendly 12-team mixed league?”  You don’t, except you will own guys from this post this year either from the draft or from waivers or your leaguemates will own them and beat you.  Last year, in the tier of pitchers I liked in the top 80 starters was Wacha, Carlos Martinez and Heaney.  They had an ERA of 3.26 in 467 IP.  You put three guys like that together with, say, Kluber and Rodon and you have all the pitching you need.  Or team three starters like that with Hamels and Corbin or Ventura and Lester.  I’ll go over exactly how to draft starters in a few days, but there are so many ways to skin a cat we should have PETA breathing down our necks.  All the 2016 fantasy baseball rankings are there.  My tiers and projections are noted.  Anyway, here’s the top 80 starters for 2016 fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

So, how’s everyone holding up without fantasy baseball every day?  I don’t know what to do with myself!  This week I wandered into a Starbucks and told the coffeerista about Chris Tillman for 2016.  Then I laughed hysterically for a good twenty minutes until someone asked me to leave.  We’ve gone over the final 2015 fantasy baseball rankings for hitters and the top 20 starters.  There’s no more of these godforsaken recap posts left.  You’re welcome.  I, my over-the-internet friend, will be talking about 2016 rookies next.  Anyway, here’s the top 40 starters for 2015 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:

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Baseball is over!  Wait, um, what World Series?  My Brewers aren’t in it, so I’m not watching…  i.e. I never watch the World Series…

2015 was a very interesting year for pitchers with a lot of unique things – guys coming out of nowhere, a lot of TJ surgeries, a crazy amount of Ks…  Wait, OK, never mind, it was about the same!  Hopefully with the doldrums of winter upon us for fantasy baseball, you hopped into some fantasy basketball leagues and can join us for an indoor fantasy sport!

Recapping February ranks can be pretty eye-opening.  As in, seeing my Chris Archer rank makes me want to gouge my eye out!  Maybe that would be eye-closing then…  Anywho, for the second straight season I went through my top 100 from Spring to see what went right and what went Chien-Ming Wang.  I think I did a little better than last year, especially when you consider James Paxton was easy to drop and didn’t just pitch bad all year…

You’ll find below in this War and Peace-esque recap SP sorted by my initial SP ranks in February, Grey’s SP pre-ranks in the top-400 sortable ranks post, ESPN’s SP pre-ranks based on whenever that list came out (I tried to find their most standardized ranks), then compared them to their Razzball Player Rater finish amongst SP.  I also mention a few times my ranks edit right before the season, since it’s not really fair to grill me on Yu Darvish.  No, Yu’re injury prone!  With all those numbers thrust together to showcase best and worst calls, I review each pitcher and include which top-40 pitchers I failed to rank.  I cut it off at 40 to make me look better, there were like 7 I didn’t rank between 40-50 and I’m lazy!  Haha.  And I promise, no more hyperlinks in the open!  Here’s the recap to 2015’s starting pitching ranks:

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The other day I made the best purchase of my life (okay, of the last week).  I bought a thermometer that has a laser beam on it.  You shoot the laser on the object and it tells you its exact temperature.  It’s meant–Actually, I don’t know what it’s meant for.  I bought it because our oven seems to be about 100 degrees off.  Though, I got it five days ago and I haven’t used it for the oven once, but have measured the temperature of about twelve hundred other things.  The coldest drinking water I’ve had was 49 degrees at this pizzeria around the corner from my house.  Oh, yeah, I’ve been taking this out with me.  I’ll go up to people on the street, shoot their temperature and be like, “You have a fever, you might want to take an aspirin.”  I like to put on my flip flops when they’re between 68 to 71 degrees.  Any colder and it stiffens my toes, any warmer and it raises my body temperature a full .4 degrees.  I know this because I have a thermometer with a frickin laser on it!  So, how does this relate to fantasy baseball?  I was watching Justin Bour slug his 23rd homer yesterday, his 2nd of two homers in the game, and I shot his temperature.  A blistering 109 degrees!  Doode’s fahrenhot!  Doode is straight butter that a professional hibachi chef puts on a sizzling lobster tail!  Doode’s Kurt Russell in Backdraft!  Yes, you should own him.  In fact (Grey’s gonna say more!), you should’ve owned him for the last few months.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

That title wasn’t a real question, y’all, please don’t provide your responses in the comments below. And if your answer was yes, that means you’ve eaten it and lived so I’ll just take your word for it and barf on my own time. But I don’t wanna know about your culinary disasters, what I do wanna know about is how can I find a way to price in those sweet Colorado bats. I know that you know that we all want in on that action, boss, so we have to find ways to swerve to get them in and pitching is a prime starting point to begin that search. I’m not gonna lie to you and say that Alfredo Simon has merit on his own. He’s pretty meh if we’re being honest but the Twins vs righties especially on the road will always grab my attention. For the year, the Twins rank 4th worst in wRC+ against righties and throw in a reasonably healthy K rate of 21.1% to boot. Throw in the second worst road wRC+ and a 22.9% K rate and you have the mixings for a solid if maybe unspectacular line from the Big Fettuccine. I wouldn’t even think about this in cash but for tourneys, picking on Twinkies on the road with righties is a solid Konami Cheat Code for this kind of day. But now that we’ve covered culinary dysentery, let’s move on to better things. Here’s my Wild Mushroom Risotto hot takes for this Saturday DK slate…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 25 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

“All year.  All.  Year.  I’ve been starting Jeff Samardzija in one 15 team league.  It’s an NFBC league so I couldn’t drop him (there’s no waivers).  It’s not a great league to bench starters.  I had options like Colby Lewis and Adam Warren.  Not great options.  But, finally, yesterday, I decided enough was enough.  If I was going to lose, at least I would lose with Samardzija out of my lineup.  So, Samardnuts goes out and throws a one-hitter (9 IP, o ER, 1 Hit, Zero Walks, 6 Ks).”  That was how I concluded the story to the doctor when I first ended up in the mental asylum.  Samardzija is actually easier to type while wearing a straitjacket.  Coincidence?  Immediately following the story, I cackled myself to sleep in a puddle of my own bodily fluids.  I’m not even sure what fluid it was.  I’m guessing urine, but you got me on specifics.  As we know, earlier this year Oxford Dictionary replaced &@*^&*@%! that connotes a curse word with Samardzija, and I can think of nothing more fitting than screaming SAMARDZIJA!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

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So as the two-start pitching post comes to a close, I thought I’d take a break from our usual theme based format and make this week’s edition as straight-forward as possible. But then I wrote the first draft in Old German and realized that translating it back to English was neither simple or straight-forward. There are some terms in Old German baseball vernacular that just don’t translate. Then again most of it is comparing pitchers mechanics to field work. This all gave me a great idea for a sequel to Million Dollar Arm with John Hamm. The premise is simple, upon his return from India J.B. Bernstein is driving through Lancaster County and witnesses a 16 year old Pennsylvania Dutch lefty by the name of Ezekial Miller striking out teams of grown men from a near by town. Bernstein fresh off his cricket adventure, believes he’s found his next project and wacky hi-jinx ensues. It’s one part Kingpin, One part The Natural, and one part Hoosiers. The last part only fits because there’s a lot of veiled racism that only Disney could produce. So that’s my pitch (pun point). What do you guys think, shall I kick start a Kickstarter campaign? Let’s make this happen, I have a football team of little Lifshitz to feed, or as I call them a bunch of Lil-Shitz. You like?

Please, blog, may I have some more?