Unless you’re not into that, of course. And if you are, that’s cool, I’m not into it myself. Not that there’s anything wrong with that…anyhoo, Phillies can be ponies, right? But of course, we know that even with that reference, it still doesn’t work seeing as, well, look at the dang gif, y’all. You know he ain’t talking about equestrians. For those who still haven’t got it, it’s a sexual innuendo, or ‘inyourendo’ if you’re 15 mentally which I am so we’re good! Now that I’ve dated myself very badly, lets get down to dropping that synth-burp bass and talking up Wei-Yin Chen. Feels like we’ve been here plenty this year and the theme has been common and easy to follow. Here’s a quick flowchart:

Phillies Suck

You’re welcome for offering up the Staples button for ya because yes, that was easy. The Phillies have found a new low of late as they’ve even slipped beneath the Braves in wRC+ against southpaws, sitting at a lowly 64. They say it’s lonely at the top, but what’s it like sitting down there on the porcelain throne? Whew…Chen isn’t the safest get for the night based on his own stats on the year and his HR tendencies, but with the opponent at hand, I could see 6 to 7 Ks and it’s just a question of how many bombs he gives up whether that’s worth much. I’ll play him in cash and tourneys alike on such a smedium evening slate. But enough about bad 90s R&B, let’s move on. Here’s my Peyton Manning grooving hot taeks for this Wednesday DK slate…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well reserve your spot in the 25 Team Razzball Exclusive League set to run next Monday, July 25th, to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. Wanna know what the best part is about signing up with us? The free subscription for the rest of the season to our DFSBot, that’s what! For details on the how to, please visit our Razzball Subscriptions page.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Have you ever had one of those pineapple upside down cakes? Those things are weird, I can’t get over the fact that it looks like the cake is staring at me. It’s like some sort of creature from the deep I wouldn’t want to bump into while out for a snorkel (Snorkeling? Snork?). Weird is also a great way to describe Michael Pineda’s season thus far. April and May saw him post around a 7 ERA while June has provided a 2.75 ERA. What will July bring? Well, the K rate has increased from 10 to 12 and the walk rate has dipped slightly from 2.5 to 2. Both are good signs. The best sign of all though is the number of hits he’s allowed. April/May’s hit rate was over 12 per 9 IP. June’s hit rate is about half that, at 6.75 H/9. So what happened here? Well, even though it FEELS like Pineda’s been around forever, he’s only 27 and maybe he just hit a rough spell. The metrics weren’t really that out of whack and we could have is a classic case of a guy getting unlucky, pressing, having some control issues and things snowball before something clicks. I’m guilty of hitting the panic button, perhaps a bit too early, in my season long leagues. In the daily game, it’s time to hop back on board thanks to the strikeout upside Pineda can provide. With any luck, the masses will still be scared off by the ugly overall numbers. Ugly like a pineapple upside down cake. Here’s some more picks for the night’s DraftKings slate:

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well reserve your spot in the 25 Team Razzball Exclusive League set to run Monday July 11th to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. Wanna know what the best part is about signing up with us? The free subscription for the rest of the season to our DFSBot, that’s what! For details on the how to, please visit our Razzball Subscriptions page.

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well reserve your spot in the 25 Team Razzball Exclusive League set to run Monday July 11th to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

span style=”font-weight: 400;”>This was supposed to be a day filled with Clayton Kershaw against the Rockies. That was the de facto cash game play, who you paired with him was a game of “Don’t Break The Ice”. Now, with Kershaw down and out with an apparent childbirth (epidural), it’s more like a game of russian roulette picking your starters. So, let’s close up, give it a spin and in chamber one, we’ve got Jaime Garcia vs. the Milwaukee Brewers. I always like to lean towards a pitcher who’s at home, check one in the positive column for Garcia. Another positive is the Brew Crew’s strikeout rate. They currently have the second most strikeouts in all of baseball. Generally, the Brewer’s offense is a bit scary (top 10 home OPS), but get them away from Miller Park and the bats go quiet (5th worst away OPS). Jaime has been a bit all over the map this year, but his 3.54 FIP and 3.74 xFIP (compared to 4.09 ERA) suggest he’s been getting a tad unlucky. For the low price of $7,900, Jaime will be my staff anchor on a night where the options are far from safe. Here’s what else is loaded in our DraftKings six shooter tonight:

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well reserve your spot in the 25 Team Razzball Exclusive League set to run Monday July 4th to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. Wanna know what the best part is about signing up with us? The free subscription for the rest of the season to our DFSBot, that’s what! For details on the how to, please visit our Razzball Subscriptions page.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

That totally sounds legit right? Clayton Kershaw, $14,200 & Stephen Strasburg, $13,200 are squaring off in LA tonight and the place is going to be on fire, literally. Game time is temperature is set to be around 97-100 degrees, so between the fastballs and the the sun, Chavez Ravine it’s going to be muy caliente. Gun to my head, I’m going with Kershaw tonight because he seems like he’s going to be able to get through the heat and still go 7 or 8 innings. Strasburg left early a few starts ago with cramping, so if dude doesn’t hydrate he may only go 5 or 6 innings, leaving precious points on the table for you. If you want to stay away from this matchup all together then go with Madison Bumgarner, $12,800 at Pittsburgh, who just got victimized by Kyle Hendricks with 12 K’s in 6 Ings. Granted the Pirates have no game vs the Cubbies, but if Hendricks can miss that many bats then look for Madbum to continue mowing guys down. From a pitching stand point, those are the studs that will be highly owned, so lets take a look at a couple other guys who might be flying under the DK radar.

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well reserve your spot in the 25 Team Razzball Exclusive League set to run today to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Yesterday, Wil Myers went 2-for-4 and his 11th and 12th homers as he hits .294.  How many posts does Wil Myers have with his post-hype sleeper?  More than the postman at the postoffice marking his post-lunch post-time with some extra postage licking and complaints that they have their postbaccalaureate to sort postcards without postcodes wishing they were postcoital not dealing with postapocalyptic posturing about the postage for the postmortem envelope they pulled out of the garbage that now looks postmodern.   Nah’mean?!  That’s 14 posts, kid!  Damn, I should be on Def Poetry Jam.  I know you wish there were some sleepers you could unswallow, but Myers has been the one shining light in a sea of brown, cloaked Padres.  This could be the last year that he’s even a question mark and not owned from start to finish.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Yesterday, Sonny Gray hit the Disgraceful List with a combination of ineffectiveness and Grey calling him a preseason schmohawk.  My schmohawks:  Schwarber, Pollock, Gray, Tulo and Sano.  If I were Sano, I’d move into the giant bubble that Tulo is apparently living in to still be healthy.  Seriously, if you were placing odds in the preseason on which one of those would hit the DL, Tulo would be 10 to 1 odds as the first one; Pollock likely 2nd since he was nursing an elbow issue in the preseason; third would be Schwarber because he was playing a position he had no business playing and bound to run into a wall; finally, Gray because I put the kavorka on my namelganger, which is a magic spell so hideous that no amount of Creoles with an unlimited supply of chickens to sacrifice could reverse that hex.  By the by, everything I know of Creole black magic I learned from Angel Heart.  Gray has a 6+ ERA, so you can DL him if you have room, but I could see just dropping him if you don’t.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Nothing is a better, giant surprise than a Rubby in the morning!

Rubby De La Rosa has always been a guy with a power fastball and plus slider, but it’s never been enough.  Ks haven’t been there, he couldn’t get lefties out, and he’s looked more and more like Nathan Eovaldi rather than “the next big thing”.  But after yesterday’s outing, Rubby has somehow limited lefties to a .162 average and only allowed 1 homer in 87 LH batters faced.  Compare that to last year, when lefties murdered him for .315 and 20 homers in 410 batters faced.

After a pretty brutal start – including 3 relief appearances due to the D’backs bullpen being overtaxed – I really didn’t think too much about Rubby and his upside.  Kinda thought “he is who we thought he is!”  Wait, that’s a different Arizona sports team…  His last 5 starts have been really good with solid Ks, but I thought for sure the Giants with their bevy of lefties would crash the party.  Alas, we got a Giant surprise!  Here’s how Rubby looked yesterday afternoon in Zona against those Gigantes:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Owning Max Scherzer last night was like watching the Showtime classic, Emmanuelle, the erotic thriller starring Emmanuel Lewis as Webster Schlong and Alex Karras as George Papadopepuss.  Through 6 IP, Scherzer had 13 Ks and was only 77 pitches.  On the Tigers broadcast, Jimmy Leyland said, “(Scherzer) looks spent.”  Who’s a better judge of that than his ex-manager?  If only the Nationals had Jose Valverde to come in.  But then Scherzer went out in the 7th and had a 1-2-3 inning with two Ks and it was if Shannon Tweed had appeared next to Emmanuel Lewis and this erotic thriller became more elaborate, convoluted and spectacular!  Then Scherzer came out in the 8th and struck out three more guys to put his total at 18 Ks.  Then, came the ninth.  Now, no guy has a shorter hook than Emmanuel Lewis, but no manager has a longer hook than Dusty.  Scherzer could’ve been on pitch 175 and he would’ve been out there to finish it, and finish the Tigers he did.  Final line:  9 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 20 Ks.  He is still giving up homers though…. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Jose Altuve is on pace for 60 homers.  He can’t even reach the cereal in the morning!  If an opposing manager were to ask to see Altuve’s bat, they would crack it open to reveal gumballs because he’s the leader of the lollipop guild.  If the major leagues were to institute a Daffy Duck ‘You Have To Be This Tall’ sign before getting to the batter’s box, Altuve would need his mother to escort him into the batter’s box every time.  That’s assuming she’s tall enough!  If she’s not, who does he get?  His uncle?  Erik Kratz?  If might were height, Jose Altuve would be a giant.  That much is true.  I love that lil’ bugger!  I want a Teddy Ruxpin in the shape of Altuve to cuddle at night.  Last night, he went 4-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs with his 9th homer, hitting .330.  So, the question is, can he keep it up?  Up is not a word I associate with Altuve, and, no, he can’t keep it up.  No one could keep up this pace.  Of course, he’s still a .315 hitter with an easy 110 runs, 35 steals and 70 RBIs, i.e., a top ten bat.  So, keep it up?  No, not without four phonebooks under him.  Do enough to make you glad you didn’t sell high?  As a French dwarf would say, “Wee!”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Could this finally be Brett Lawrie‘s post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-POST-post hype breakout?  I don’t want to overrate or prorate or ameliorate a past inveterate obturate to eviscerate execrate, try not to hate, love your mate, mediate or flip through cards like Michael Hutchence forth, Sandoval’s girth, Andrelton’s not from this earth, movie remake that never went anywhere was North by North.  Yesterday, Lawrie went 3-for-3 with his third straight game with a homer, and he threw in a steal on Saturday, not a liar like James Frey, in Florida I need my mosquito spray, I have three albums by The Fray, said no one that wasn’t gay, which is totally okay.  I was very high on Lawrie in the preseason, and right now he’s on pace for 20+ HRs, 12-15 SBs and hitting .290.  On its own this would be implausible, laughable, impossible, insoluble in water, but he hit 16 homers last year, is only 26 years old and has easy 15-steal speed, so it’s not INXS of the possible.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?