How many times have you completely written off Francisco Liriano? Seriously. Probably four or five times, right? I know I’ve uttered the phrase “f**k that guy, I’m never using him again” at least once a year for the last five years. That’s the way it is with him — the K-potential has always made him an interesting option for fantasy streaming, but until this year, I don’t think he’s ever helped my team. Not once. Which is what makes Liriano’s 2013 production so absurd, and it’s definitely no fluke at this point. Through roughly 90 IP he’s posted a 2.23 ERA and a 1.18 WHIP while whiffing more than a batter per inning. And given his sub-3 FIP, the peripheral numbers bode well, too. I’m sure I’ll have to write him off again at some point, but it’s amazing to consider the path the 29-year-old Liriano has taken to transition from never-using-him-again streamer status, to one of the best arms in the league. He goes twice this week, making his debut in the must start tier. The rest of the week 18 two-starters are below.

As always, probable pitchers are subject to change. For a look at all fantasy baseball streamers, click that link.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

If you’re squeamish, don’t watch the video of Tim Hudson getting hurt. That’s what they say. This is like saying, “Your Christmas (Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Festivus) presents are under the tree (Star of David, Star Jones, pole) and they’re unwrapped, but don’t look at them.” Is there anyone in the history of mankind who’s ever heard the phrase “don’t watch this because it’s too gruesome” and has actually stopped watching it. That sentence is brain crack! It’s like your brain neurons suddenly start moving around like a Roomba in a closet, bumping into the sides, trying to get out. So, with that said, I wouldn’t watch it. Hudson will need surgery and is out for the year. Well, if Eric Young was gonna step on his foot like THAT I wouldn’t have been speculating for two months who was going to get bumped for Brandon Beachy. I’ve been saying for the last two months that I don’t own Beachy. I think he’s going to give a lot less than what you’re expecting. Tommy John surgery causes most pitchers to lose control when they first return, and Beachy has a 5+ BB/9 in the minors. That would be near the worst in the major leagues. Edinson Volquez looks at that walk rate and says, “Whoa, pardner.” You know the guy from Shadesville at the horse track who goes around picking up discarded race tickets hoping to find a winner, if you pick up Beachy, you might resemble that guy. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Yesterday, Matt Cain had his shortest outing of his career with 2/3 IP and 3 ER. At least Bochy had the sense in his giant watermelon-sized head to remove Cain quick enough that yesterday’s damage was that of a bad Heath Bell outing. Wait a second, did I just compare Cain to Heath Bell? I just rang my own bell and answered with, “Holy crap no one wants to be compared to Heath Bell.” Where did it all go wrong for Cain and can Cain (almost stutterer!) get it back to good, assuming you’re not just signing a Matchbox Twenty song? Looking at his K-rate from last year to this year, he’s actually been better this year. His velocity is fine. His xFIP is nearly the same as last year when he had a 2.79 ERA. The only big change is his luck and his walk rate. He’s missing his spots. This can come one of two ways. He can miss his spots off the plate and walk guys or he can miss his spots in the zone and give up hits and homers. He usually works up in the zone. Done it his whole career. If you miss up…up, it’s a ball. If you miss up…down, you’re Sandy Duncan with one glass eye while watching with your other eye as the ball is leaving the park. The Giants are saying he might not be healthy, but I don’t think Cain is hurt. Still could land on the Disgraceful List. More likely, he needs to tweak something in his mechanics. Until that happens, I’d stay away from him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

This post comes to you by the power of Greyskull! I have the power! The power of Greyskull dropped Justin Masterson earlier in the year after one bad start. I have a power outage! Then the power of Greyskull watched as the power of Rudyskull picked him up and has been reaping the rewards ever since, but the power of Rudyskull benched Masterson yesterday, so the power of Greyskull let out a small, fleeting smile. Yesterday, Masterson threw a complete game shutout. He’s been great all year with a 9+ K-rate. Yadda, yadda eff me. Just above him on the K-rate chart is a who’s who of the pitchers you want: F-Her, Sale, Samardzija, Miller, Harvey, Yu, Scherzer, etc. etc. etc. He also has one of the worst walk rates in that group (not bad overall, just in that group), which will hold Masterson out of the top tier of pitchers this year, but will make him ownable in all leagues and why the power of Greyskull failed me. I wonder if Skeletor is hiring. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Josh Johnson looked solid yesterday (7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks vs. the Rockies). But Colorado away from home can be an easy match-up. Hey, Rockies, try doin’ it in the land of Labatt! You’ve been Molson Iced! JB called this one in the comments yesterday. I did not believe. Though, I do look much more animated now. Like I just stepped off a yacht in a Miami Vice cartoon. I’m snorting cartoon drugs and listening to cartoon Phil Collins play cartoon bongos. What do you think of the new avatar? I just stepped off a boat yet my hair still looks adorable, right? The new avatar rates well in the 18-25 demographic; it’s the Poochie of avatars. As for Johnson, I wouldn’t mess with him. So far, he’s been solid vs. NL teams, but, the thing is, he kinda, sorta plays in the AL. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

We’re halfway through the H2H regular season, and for many of us, it’s time to make some moves in the standings. It’s not always so easy to negotiate trades, especially for those in public leagues, making additions from waivers an absolute necessity in most cases. A good method to get ahead in weekly formats is to keep up with the two-start landscape and stream the shizz out of the good options. If you’ve been lazy in this regard so far, it’s not too late. So quit looking for the new Kanye album that leaked yesterday (it’s not that great), and begin hoarding two-starters instead. I’m here every Saturday to help keep your hopes alive.

As always, probable pitchers are subject to change. For a look at all fantasy baseball streamers, click that link.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The Mariners don’t play no mess. That’s their motto, and not the oft-cited mottoes, “F-Her and pray for rain,” or “Put the fences on wheels, so we can move them in when we’re at-bat and out when the other team is,” or “If we trade Chris Tillman and Adam Jones for Erik Bedard, we’ll have more seats empty to fill the stadium with recliners.” With the “don’t play no mess” motto in full-mode, they brought up Mike Zunino. A catcher bat like Zunino only comes once in a lifetime (the lifetime is that of a guinea pig that is being cared for by a 12-year-old, so the lifespan is about 18 months. Remember, because age is rounded down to the last birthday, on average guinea pigs live a half year beyond their final birthday. They live as zombies. Zombie guinea pigs are all around us. Now, I’m scared.) Sure, the last once in a lifetime catcher bat after Buster Posey and Matt Wieters also played for the Mariners. You remember, it was the Jesus who couldn’t catch or hit but could walk on water with the best of them. So, after turning to Jesus twice (Montero, Sucre), the Mariners are now turning to Rookie Zuninookie. BTW, Sucre is sugar, and Zunino sounds like Mexican artificial sweetener. You might remember Mike Zunino from such Scott, our prospect writer, sentences as, “.360/.447/.689 between Low-A and Double-A,” “The third overall pick this past June has been simply incredible since signing,” and my favorite, “His tools profile suggests he’ll eventually develop into a very nice big league catcher, and one you’ll want in fantasy leagues, but most people around baseball don’t see the Travis D’Arnaud/Jesus Montero/Devin Mesoraco-type ceiling with Zunino,” which came when he ranked him 44th in the top 50 fantasy baseball prospects. Not to get all Chinese Calendary on you, but 2013 isn’t going to the Year of the Incoming Catcher. Zunino’s chances of making a huge impact seem slim to anorexic. The path to fantasy value for a catcher isn’t a Sunday drive down the Henry Hudson for Will Smith in the movie, Hancock. If Zunino blows away my projections, he gets 15 homers and a .260 average. More likely, he gets 7-10 homers and a .240 average. You can probably do better. Look at me having faith in you! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Julio Teheran held the Pirates to one hit yesterday with 11 Ks in 8 innings, lowering his ERA to 3.30, making Teheran victorious vs. the Pirates. Which sounds like it was a battle of hostage takers. “You give us Wandy’s forearm!” “Okay, you give us Uggla’s Ed Hardy-clad booty.” “Um…What?” “You heard me, those jeans are hot on the black market.” “So, you just want the jeans or his actual booty?” “Enough questions, infidel!” Only these weren’t like Somalian Pirates, they were more like The Pirates of Penzance. Zing, high-five self! As Obama and New Jersey work tirelessly to restore Beachy to its former glory of cigarette-scented arcades, frozen custard and teased-out hair, Teheran is making the Braves job difficult for what happens when Beachy returns. Do you think the Braves bump Teheran? Maholm? Hudson? I got a question broken up into three parts, y’all! Maybe Maholm will get hurt. He did, after all, throw, like, 17,000 sliders last year. Well, time will tell unless the Mayans stop the planet abruptly. I’d obviously hold Teheran until the situation resolves itself. I.e., I’d take Teheran hostage. Zadow, fist pump self! Anyway, here’s what else happened yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Jacob Turner took care of business last night and grabbed the win in his 2013 debut, snapping Miami’s nine game losing streak as well as ending the Mets own adorable little winning streak. Jacob pitched seven quality innings against the Mets and gave up just 5 hits, 1 walk, and struck out three, managing 12 ground ball outs. After the game he assured his fans, “You ain’t seen nothing yet!” I hope that’s true because his minor league stats were pretty underwhelming. You may remember Jacob as the primary get for the Marlins in the Tigers Anibal Sanchez/Omar Infante trade. Turner was initially expected to make the rotation to start the year but he struggled and continued to struggle in AAA in April, walking too many batters and just not pitching as consistently as the Marlins would have liked. Jacob improved, however, and posted a 3.00 ERA with a 20/6 K/BB ratio in five starts in May, and the injury to Alex Sanabia gave him a chance to start taking care of business in the bigs. Outside NL-Only and deeper mixed he’s just someone to watch for now. The former ninth overall pick is still just 22 years old and as he learns his way through the league he could prove himself streamer-worthy. He may be worth a flier versus the banged up Phillies next week, but temper your expectations as you would with any player who plays for the MIA Marlins.

Here’s what else happened in fantasy baseball last night:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Cameron Frye called up Ned Colletti yesterday. He said, “Ned. This is Joc Pederson. Well, we’ve had a bit of bad luck this morning as you may have heard. Matt Kemp got injured.” Ned, “Yeah I heard, and man, I’m all broken up, boy, what a blow.” “Yeah. Yeah. Well, uh, it’s been a tough morning and we got a lot of business to take care of, so if you wouldn’t mind DL’ing Kemp, I’d appreciate it.” “Uh, yeah, sure, I’d be happy to, yeah you, uh, you, you, you just produce a corpse, and uh, I’ll DL Kemp, but I wanna see Salvador Perez’s dead grandmother first.” “Ned?” So, Matt Kemp did hit the DL, which has led to speculation that this will lead to the arrival of Pederson. Last night, the Dodgers played Ethier in center, but that’s not a long-term solution. But, instead of Puig or Pederson, the Dodgers called up…Wait for it… It’s right here… Hold on, I left it in my other pants… Got it! They called up Tony Gwynn Jr.! In other words, the Dodgers suck as badly as Matt Kemp. In other other words, you can grab Pederson in case Gwynn doesn’t pan out, but I wouldn’t hold my breath. In other other other words, the fly me to the moon record is skipping. Oh, and let’s not forget I told you six weeks ago to sell Kemp and ranked him very low in the preseason, so you were warned. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?