Fantasy Baseball Advice

This year in the minors Domonic Brown had a line of 62/19/64/.323/14 and .385/.580/.965.  Let’s recap, whoa/wow/nice/yum-yum/don’t mind if I do and yowsers/that’s lovely/yowsersthat’slovely.  To break that down for the people who skimmed the first two sentences, he has 20/20 potential with plate discipline.  It’s the fantasy baseball equivalent to:  “I don’t think this glazed donut can get any better.”  “How about we sprinkle bacon on it?”  Drool.  By my estimation (and Keith Law’s), he’s the number one prospect in the minors.  (Desmond Jennings is a close 2nd in my book that was rejected by Simon & Schuster.)  Either Werth will be shown the door or Philly fans will kidnap Raul Ibanez and toss him blindfolded into the newly-constructed Octagon in Citizens Flank’s parking lot.  Is Domonic Brown more trouble than he’s Werth?  No, I don’t think so.  Unless we’re talking about spelling his name.  I’d grab Brown in 12 team mixed leagues or deeper.  In keepers, you should own him already.  If you don’t, then now might be a good time.  Or now.  Or now.  Or… You get the point.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before we head into the post, just wanted to say the Commenter and Razzball league standings were updated.  Anyway II, onto the Buy/Sell:

BUY

Alex Gordon – Is this the Alex Gordon that was called up three years ago after tearing up the minors only to flame out?  Or is this the Alex Gordon that is called up today that just got done ripping up the minors that will finally fulfill his promise?  I don’t know.  He crushed the minors this year — in 277 ABs, 14 homers, 8 steals, .310 average, .451 OBP and a 1.018 OPS.  He can be a 20+ homer, 15 steal guy over the course of a full season if he doesn’t get in his own way and the Royals give him every day ABs.  I would take a flyer on him for your corner infidel spot for the chance he finally makes good on the promise.  If you’ve heard this story before about Gordon, it’s because you probably have, so don’t drop anyone too valuable.

Chris Johnson -  He’s hitting right now and he has some power potential.  Plus, if he fails you, you can say, “Chris Johnson meet P. Johnson,” while urinating on your computer screen that’s showing your fantasy team.

Yunel Escobar – Hopefully the hand injury he sustained the other day doesn’t get in the way of the revenge he’s currently seeking on the entire Braves organization.

Starlin Castro – In one league, I’m rocking Luis Castillo in my middle infield.  I don’t tell you this because I think you should pickup Castillo or for pity.  I want sympathy!  Castro started off as a hero to millions then he left all his believers scavenging for scraps.  That commie bastard!  Now he’s hitting and stealing bases.

Neil Walker – I’m pretty lukewarm on Walker.  He looks like Coghlan at MI, which is all right.  At least right now, he’s Coghlan when Coghlan’s hitting.

Asdrubal Cabrera – I’d prefer to take an As-Cab to a Walker.

Scott Sizemore – He’s baaack!  And doing nothing like when he left. Who knew a meth’d out Tom Sizemore would be the most reliable Sizemore this year?  I’d grab Scotty for the chance he can make good on his promise.  (He promised me 14/16 in the preseason.  He’s lied thus far.)

Ty Wigginton – His ownership numbers are trending down but that’s wrong, I tell ya.  Guy gets streaky like your acid wash jeans from the 80s.  Unlike the jeans, you don’t have to deny ever owning him.

Jason Bartlett – Welcome back to 103.5 MI-ROQ, where it’s middle infielders all day and night!  Bassoon, tire screech, crazy cackling, triangle, cow bell, more cow bell and one last ding.  Don’t fahgettaBartlett!

Matt Diaz – Dye-As murders lefties, which is similar to being a lefty killer.  Play him against his strong side, sit vs. weak side.  Rinse, repeat.

Drew Stubbs – At 13/18 with a .245 average, he’s having a season that a young Krispie Young would’ve admired.

Juan Rivera -  I’ll be honest, some of these guys are hard to get excited about.  Juan Rivera’s one of those guys.  Wait, who was I talking about?  See!

Jack Cust – If you don’t know what Cust gives you, go back three places and read Matthew Berry.

Luke Scott -  Hard to recommend Scott too highly.  He’s currently hitting and he could get you some homers, but he might not play every day.  It’s like masturbating to The Golden Girls.  It’ll get the job done, but why not switch the channel?

Jordan Zimmermann – I went over J-Z in, like, the last three Buys.  Scroll around the site, will be good for pageviews.

Travis Wood – There could be some ups and downs for Wood.  Oofa!  Thank you, don’t forget to tip your waitresses.  He gets the Astros today.  Giddy up, Wood.  That’s what she said!

Pedro Alvarez – I just went over my Alvarez fantasy.  Click through, it’ll save you time because we both know how busy you are.

J.J. Putz – SAGNOF!

Matt Thornton -  See 1/8th of an inch above.

Sergio Santos – Nothing comes between me and my Sergio Santos.  Except maybe Putz and Thornton.  I’d grab them, in the order I’ve listed them.

Chris Perez – We have to assume Wood will take over when he returns.  But Perez could have the closer job for the rest of the season if Wood is traded.  But II, Making A But Out Of Nothing At All:  Even if Wood returns, he’s far from secure.

SELL

Mike Leake – Even Dusty can’t continue to throw Leake as he flies past a reasonable innings limit.  Dusty’ll put him in Harang’s uniform then send him back to the mound.

Kris Medlen – I love me some Medlen.  We practically grew up together.  Or maybe it was just that I owned him in a few fantasy leagues for a few months.  Neverthehoo!  Medlen’s having his innings limited, it’s hard to own that, unfortunately.

Phil Hughes – The Yankees have limited Hughes to 4 starts in the past month and will probably keep him close to the same workload moving forward.  It’s Hughes Rules… Skip him for a start then let him throw a mediocre 5 inning game.

Josh Beckett – Right after he goes against the hapless M’s tonight, you write something like this on your league messageboard, “Now that Beckett is doing great, I have an excess of starters that I want to trade.  Will trade everyone but Beckett because I really believe him… Unless someone makes a good offer.”  Then you take any offer you get for Beckett.  That’s ygolohcysp, baby!

Pedro Alvarez went 3-for-5 with 2 homers.  Had his 2nd two homer game in two days.  Say that fast 117 times!  LMFAO should be playing when Alvarez goes into the batter’s box, “Shot!  Shot!  Shot!  Shot!  Shot!  Shot!”  (I wish I wrote that song.)  Alvarez is 23 years old.  For those who can’t read between the lines, he’s going to get better!!!  (Second and third exclamation marks were for emphasis, not because my keyboard’s keys are sticking.)  Who knew the only thing the Pirates offense needed was to lose their best hitter?  Maybe the Mariners should lock Ichiro in a closet for a few games.  This is Ichiro going into the closet, “Hey, Beltran, what are you doing here?”  I keed.  So what can we expect of Alvarez the rest of the season.  Shot!  Shot!  Shot!  Shot!  Shot!  Shot!  Or 12 homers and a terrible average.  He’s still K’ing too much.  I’d absolutely pick him up in every league just for the chance he keeps hitting bombs.  I would not drop anyone that I might regret.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ty Wigginton – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer in two days.  Casey McGehee’s Dad is historically a streaky hitter and a 2nd half hitter.  Also, the Phillies, Rangers and Yankees are talking about acquiring Wiggy.  Not all of those teams would be a boost to his value, but if I had to take a guess, I’d say Wigginton will be in Friday’s Buy/Sell.

Juan Rivera – Over his last 7 games, he’s hitting .450 with a homer and a steal.  I avoided him like the plague in the preseason, but I have nothing against picking up a random hot outfielder for a two to three week fling.  I’m a fantasy baseball whore like that.

Hideki Matsui – Hit his 2nd homer in the last two games at The Stadium They Built Next To The Stadium Ruth Built.  Must’ve been nice to be home again.  The city where he made his major league debut.  The city where he won the World Series MVP.  The city where he masturbated to his legendary collection of porn.

Delmon Young – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs in the three hole while Mauer rested his long, supple gams.  I like Delmon at the top of the lineup.  He’s hitting and he can throw the bat at an ump harder than anyone else.

Geovany Soto – 1-for-2 with his 13th homer.  Good thing you dropped him!

Ted Lilly – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Trade talks are starting to heat up on Theodore Roosevelt Lilly (<–actual name!).  He’s a three and a half ERA, low WHIP guy wherever he goes, so I wouldn’t be too worried.  (BTW, don’t you think the word ‘three’ should have three E’s?  Maybe it’s just me.)

Jack Cust – 2-for-3 with his 4th homer in the last week.  He could hit 15 homers in the next two-plus months.  Or he could strikeout 100 times.  Or he could do both.  I’d grab him if you’re hurting for power.

Andrew Bailey – For what it’s Wuertz, Wuertz (stutterer!) got the save as Bailey had a routine day off.

Clay Buchholz – 4 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Returned to the DL and then Dice-K pulled a ‘Vice-Versa’ and body switched with him.  I’m sure this was partially due to rust, but Buchholz also was supposed to regress a bit, so there’s that.

Adrian Beltre – 3-for-4 with the slam & legs.  Beltre loves contract years like a fat kid loves cake.

Bronson Arroyo – 5 2/3 IP, 7 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K.  After starting Arroyo in leagues, I’m walking like I was just jumping hurdles.

Adam Dunn – 0-for-4.  I hope I’m wrong, but I have the sneaking suspicion that Dunn’s average is about to bungee and the cord is going to snap.

Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Member when he was first called up in 2008 and we nicknamed him Jobacum because he was one part Joba (this was when Chamberlain was good) and one part Lincecum.  Yeah, good times.  Anyhoo, Scherzer’s now looking more like Ubaldcumo.

Randy Wolf – 5 2/3 IP, 12 ER, 15 baserunners, 4 Ks.  The Brewers should buy him a Corvette for making him stay in this game.

George Kottaras – 2-for-4, and he hit his 8th homer which is twice as many as Mauer.

Carlos Gonzalez – Played for part of the game until he had to leave after reaggravating his bruised finger.  Aggravating, indeed.

Yorvit Torrealba – This is a message for the Padres’ front office.  Everyone else can skip to the next blurb.  Padres, it’s nice that you’re winning.  Your pitching is good.  There’s no doubt about that.  When you are batting Yorvit Torrealba 2nd in your lineup, you need to make a trade for hitting.  Don’t delude yourself into thinking that you have all the pieces you need.  Jerry Hairston Jr. is not a leadoff man.  Headley, Denorfia, Venable, Skinny Gwynn, EverCab… They’re all terrible hitters.  Gaby Sanchez is better than all of them and Gaby Sanchez isn’t really that good.  Okay, now go get some bats.

Jason Hammel – 7 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  His ERA in Coors is 3.18 and more than 2 runs better than when he’s in pitchers’ parks.  Figure that shizz out.

Jaime Garcia – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Sonavabench!  It’s kinda easier when a player just goes totally bad.  These good starts mixed in with bad starts are much more frustrating.  I just know his next start isn’t going to be good.  I know it in my soul.  I will start him anyway.

Chad Billingsley – 9 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  How can he pitch so poorly then so well?  As Scully would say, “The truth is out there.”  Wait, that’s the wrong Scully.

Marc Rzepczynski – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I wouldn’t own him right now in any leagues.  Even in my league that only uses players with the last name Rzepczynski.

Jose Bautista – The Blue Jays are taking my advice about selling high on Bautista as they take offers from some contending teams.  Now it’ll be interesting to see how many actual teams will buy into Bautista when no fantasy ones will.

Carl Crawford – Day-to-day with testicular contusion, which is different than RuPaul’s testicular confusion.

Erik Bedard – Won’t pitch this year.  Right now, the Erich Bedardens are showing the Bennis Carpensheeters a thing or two about staying unhealthy.  Keep it real, Bedardens!  Will be interesting to see if the M’s fill Bedard’s rotation spot with Chris Tillman– Oh, wait.  At least the Mariners still have Adam Jones– Oh, that’s right.  Yeah, trade’s still not looking so good.

Felix Hernandez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 8 Ks.  He leads the AL in Ks and is 2nd in ERA.  But he may not get to 10 wins.  In other news, I need wins in all of my leagues.  In other other news, kill me now while playing The Carpenters, “We’ve Only Just Begun” because I want to go out IRONICALLY!

Andrew McCutchen has a mild sprain of the AC joint.  Sucks this is happening in the hottest part of the summer.  If something happened to my AC right now, I’d be so— The smart part of my brain buried under ten years of pot smoking and alcohol abuse whispers, “The AC joint has nothing to do with air conditioning.”  “Shut up, Smart Part Of My Brain.  If that’s even your real name.”  With this AC issue, he runs the risk of overheating– Smart Part Of My Brain, “No, seriously.  Google it.”  *Googling, reading WebMD, asking Smart Part Of My Brain to translate*  Oh, forget it, by the time I did all of that, the Pirates are already saying it’s a day-to-day issue.  He should be out there Monday or some time soon thereafter.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Paul Maholm – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 1 K as he threw his 2nd career shutout.  If you know when his first career shutout was, there’s a good chance you’re Paul Maholm.

Garrett Jones – So far in July (around a .200 average) it looks like someone left Robot Jones out in the rain, but yesterday he hit his 2nd homer in five games.

Roy Oswalt – He left his start after taking a liner off his ankle.  Here’s another vote for cankles.  You goofed, God, cankles are more durable.  Oswalt didn’t immediately leave the game because his head’s obviously harder than his ankles.  He should make his next start.

Michael Brantley – 2-for-4 with his 2nd steal in three games.  For those hurting for steals, SAGNOF!

Jhonny Peralta – Hit an inside the park home run that took 16.74 seconds or slower than 5 average home run trots, according to the Home Run Tracker.  It’s obviously not easy carrying around that extra H.

Kerry Wood – Hit the DL with a blister.  Now the Indians will be lucky to trade him for $24 in trinkets.  Chris Perez is the pickup.

Alex Sanabia – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Alex, or Alejandro as he’s known within the Gaga community, is crazy raw.  So far he’s had two starts against the Nats and Diamondhacks and he’s averaging just over 4 innings per start.  At 21-years-old, I wouldn’t go near him outside of NL-Only leagues for now.  That could change.

Travis Wood – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Wondering if you should get Wood?  He gets the Astros next.

Yunel Escobar – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and his first home run of the season while batting .462 on the Blue Kays.  Thank God for those Canadian exchange rates!

Shaun Marcum – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I didn’t voice this on the blog, but I was worried about Marcum returning from his elbow issue.  Looks like I was just being paranoid.  Who said that?!

Rickie Weeks – 3-for-4 and two homers.  I feel like every year I drafted Weeks and he was hurt has made this year possible.  Unfortunately, I don’t own him this year.  Thanks, Weeks.  I will now walk into traffic.

Trevor Hoffman – Could someone sneak into Miller Park and put blinking lights around the “596 Saves” banner so I can pretend there’s a reason I’m holding onto Hoffman?

Corey Hart – Word on the streets of the Tony Gwynn Rotunda is the Padres are interested in Corey Hart.  SELL!!!

Matt Diaz – 3-for-4 and his third homer.  Yes, it was off a lefty.  Yes, it’s that simple.

Jack Cust – Hit his third homer in the last four games.  Grab while hot.  Cust homerin’.

Vin Mazzaro – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  That’s nice, I wouldn’t pick him up with your team.

Carlos Pena – 6 for his last 10 with 2 homers.  Is it me or has he hit his 20 homers in, like, 4 games?  Either way, he’s hot and will probably get to 25 homers by next Sunday.

David Price – 5 IP, 7 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks.  If you risked starting him vs. the Yankees, you paid the Price.

Andy Pettitte – Could be out for a month as he heads to the DL with a Grade 1 groin strain.  I didn’t strain my groin until Grade 7.

A.J. Burnett – Hurt his hand bursting through the clubhouse doors, after originally saying that he hurt his hand while smashing a cream pie into Swisher’s face.  Guess he was trying to impress his mom, Carol.

Vicente Padilla – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 1 K.  I know it seems against everything you believe in, but you really should pick up Padilla.

Shin-Soo Choo – Hopes to return on Friday.  Wasn’t he supposed to be out for the rest of the season?  I have a feeling South Korea mentioned to Choo that he has military obligations if he’s not playing baseball.

Brian Roberts – Who?  Oh!  Brian Roberts, that’s right.  I think he plays 2nd base or something.  Juan Samuel, the guy they’re calling manager for now, says Roberts will return in less than 2 weeks.  If he was dropped, then take a flyer that Roberts returns at seventy-five percent.  I’m guessing it will be closer to fifty though.

Starlin Castro – 3-for-4 and his 2nd steal in the last four games.  He’s batting over .500 in the last week.  All aboard!

Jose Reyes – Last week, the Mets said Reyes wouldn’t return until he was 100% pain-free.  Now Reyes is set to return on Monday.  Does this mean Reyes is 100% pain-free or are the Mets a bunch of jokers?

Josh Beckett – Set to return on Friday.  Geez, were him and Brad Penny sharing doctors like they used to share Alyssa Milano?  I’d grab Beckett if he’s out there, but I wouldn’t start him in his first start back.

Scott Kazmir – To the DL with shoulder fatigue.  The shoulder had no comment, but it was seen waving a white flag.

Mike Napoli – 2-for-4 with his 16th homer.  Napoli generates more questions than any player about whether or not people should drop him.  I’m at a loss on how to communicate to you that you should just put a catcher, namely Napoli, in your catcher spot and let him be.  Ron Popeil said it best, “Set it and forget it.”  Obviously it’s my fault why people continue to ask whether they should drop Napoli.  So my question to you, loyal Razzball reader, is how do I communicate it better?  I can give you stats.  Napoli leads all major league catchers in homers.  On ESPN’s Player Rater, he’s a top five catcher for the season.  Oh, and his Mom once showed nipple to a room of people.  (Google “Mike Napoli” + Mom.  You’re welcome.)  What more do you need?  Help me help you.

Chris Denorfia – 4-for-4 with 2 homers.  I once dated a girl named Chris Denorfia.  That’s kinda weird.

Mat Latos – To the DL.  This was overheard this weekend in San Diego, “We have to skip Latos’ start to limit his workload, but then we’ll be left a man short.  Unless we were to enter his dream-within-a-dream-within-a-dream-within-a-dream and tell him to say he hurt his oblique while sneezing.”

After hours of rumors about a trade to the Yankees, Cliff Lee was traded to the Rangers.  Going the other way, Justin Smoak and some prospects.  We’ll get to Smoak in a bit.  You know who I really feel sorry for in this whole Cliff Lee ordeal.  The poor, poor New York Yankees.  Now they have to make due with CC, Vazquez, Hughes, Pettitte, Tex, Posada, Jeter, Swisher, Gardner, Cano and A-Rod.  Here’s hoping they can acquire Werth for the first man off the bench position.  Or Oswalt for middle relief.  My pet crocodile is crying for them.  Cliff Lee threw a 2.52 ERA in Citizens Flank last year with 40 Ks and 5 BBs.  Is The Flank that much better than Arlington?  No, it’s not.  He’s still in the AL West, at least, and not the AL East.  His first start vs. (Crap For) The Birds obviously wasn’t the confidence booster you would’ve liked to see, but he was rocked for 7 earned earlier in the year by the Padres.  These things happen.  I’m not worried about The Adverb.  Expect a low 3 ERA, great WHIP, solid Ks and Wins.  You can do worse, I assure you.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Justin Smoak – Arlington is obviously better for a slugging corner infidel, but unless Smoak gets hot he’s not ownable in mixed leagues at this point.  Right now where there’s Smoak, there is no fire.

Chris Davis – With the Smoak evacuation, Chris K. Davis gets another chance.  In Triple-A, Davis was showing what made Bill James change his shorts when he projected him for, like, 45 homers and 20 steals last year.  Everyone knows I’m a sucker for guys who give you a low average, high power and some speed.  Don’t write Davis off simply because he swings more than that creepy guy on Craigslist.  In the 2nd half, you can get double digit homers, some steals and a terrible average.

Carlos Silva – 1 1/3 IP, 6 ER.  We finally learn when his pact with the devil expires.

Mark Teixeira – 4-for-5 as PABST (Post-All-Star Break Stats Teixeira) moves his average over .250 for the first time all season.  Should be a fun 2nd half to own him.

Jered Weaver – 6 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Now with back-to-back starts that made me feel like I was in Requiem for a Dream’s back-to-back scene.  Hopefully the layoff helps him get back on track.

Carlos Quentin – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and 2 more homers.  Now has 19 homers and 61 RBIs.  He’ll be in the top 100 for the 2nd half of the season that is coming tomorrow.  Could he hit 20 homers in the 2nd half with 50 RBIs?  It’s not out of the realm of possibility.

Daniel Hudson – 4 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks as he gave his owners a quick roofie while desecrating their WHIP and fondling their ERA.

Dayan Viciedo – 2-for-5 and a homer.  Now has a five game hitting streak with two home runs.  After the game, the Poughkeepsie Chapter of Speculating on Small Sample Sizes said that’s something to keep an eye on.

Gordon Beckham – 3-for-4 yesterday after hitting a homer on Saturday.  On the one team, I still have him on, I haven’t moved him from my bench in about a month.  He sonavabenches me every game because I’m spiting my nose by cutting Beckham off from my fantasy team.  In some illogical way, I feel like this will teach him a lesson.  Spread the word, Beckham — Grey will irrationally bench you if you don’t hit while in his lineup.

Zack Greinke – Was scratched with shoulder discomfort.  Not something you want to hear, obviously.  Though my guess is the “discomfort” was minor and rather than risk it they figured they’d give him a week and change off from his last start.  To put it in fancy doctorly parlance, this was a burp to avoid later indigestion.

Kerry Wood – 1/3 IP, 1 ER.  That’s just Wood getting his trade value up going into the break.  Maybe the Polish National Team will trade for him.

Dan Wheeler – Soriano pitched yesterday, so I guess he’s fine.  Sure was nice of Wheeler to leave a two run turd in a burning brown bag on my fantasy doorstep before I got to drop him.

Travis Wood – Pitched a one hitter on Saturday.  Here’s what I just said about Wood, “Stephen just went over his Travis Wood fantasy.  Stephen said, “drool worthy” “splits” “small sample size” “dramatic” “LOOGY.”  Man, I could never work for Zagat’s.  Wood’s an okay flyer in NL-Only leagues, I wouldn’t want him to roofie me in mixed leagues.”  And that’s me quoting me linking to Stephen!  As if it needs to be said, Wood’s nowhere near the guy he showed on Saturday.  To show you the inconsistency of rookie pitchers, let’s look at his first three starts.  7 IP, 2 ER vs. the Cubs, 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER in Metco and 9 IP, 0 ER in The Flank.  If you need the risk and upside, take a flyer, but there’s no telling what you’ll get next.  Also, the return of Volquez could send Wood to the minors quicker than if his name were Luis Polonia.

Aaron Hill – 1-for-4 with his 12th homer as he raises his average to .189.  His career average is .275 and his current BABIP is .188.  As parallel universe Shakira likes to say, BABIPs don’t lie.  Though it’s not all peaches and cream for the turn around.  He’s swinging at more balls outside the strike zone, which shows in his terrible line drive percentage, i.e., he’s not making good contact with the balls he’s reaching for.  He hasn’t shown any sign of breaking out, but Hill almost certainly has to be better in the 2nd half.  BTW, to recap at the break my overrated players coming into the season:  Jason Bay, Victor Martinez, Aaron Hill, Vazquez, Mark Reynolds, Billy Butler, Aramis, Sandoval, Manny and Mauer.  That’s a bit better than Meatloaf’s 2 out of 3.  You’re welcome.

Madison Bumgarner – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Yeah, for now you should own him.

Justin Morneau – He took a knee to the noggin and missed the final weekend of games.  His bruised melon will now make him take a knee on the All-Star Game.  It’s sadly comical how his body won’t let him get through a whole season.  Back, “I don’t feel like being sore.”  Head, “A’ight, I’ll take one for the team.”

Nick Markakis – Homered on Saturday while hitting near .400 over the last week.  Markakis has shown signs of life going into the break, which is nice since prior we were gathering pallbearers for his career.

Everth Cabrera – 2-for-5 with his 1st homer.  Cool, too bad you’re supposed to steal bases you schmohawk.

Mat Latos – Headed to the DL with I-can’t-throw-more-than-180 innings-itis.  I know I’ve said this before, but how do clubs get away with DL’ing guys that aren’t hurt?  Shouldn’t there be some sorta rules on this?  It’s like baseball’s version of the soccer flop.

Adrian Beltre – Left the game with a hamstring injury.  That turned into a leg cramp when Beltre remembered he was in a contract year.  All the King’s horses, all the King’s men couldn’t get Beltre out of the lineup during a contract year.

Jack Cust – 2-for-4 with a home run and steal.  Who let him get an 89 foot lead off first?

Vicente Padilla – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks.  He’s ownable and startable in every home game where he has sub-3 ERA.

Corey Hart – 1-for-5 with his 21st homer in defiance of me.  That’s okay, it allows you to get more for him in a trade.

Lastings Milledge – 2-for-3 with a home run and a steal as he orders the slam & legs with a side of Victorino is out homering Milledge by 11.

Pedro Alvarez – Don’t look now but The Smashbuckler has three homers in the last 10 games.  Actually, you should look now.

Jose Reyes -  Was pulled from Saturday’s game because of his sore oblique.  Here’s what the Mets said, “I don’t think we have had any major setbacks because he did play.  He’s been down these roads before, but he’ll be fine.”  Here’s what I heard, “We have no clue what’s going on.  We ran his symptoms into WebMD and it said for him to take a lozenge.  Fingers crossed.”

Johan Santana – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  The Ks have obviously disappeared, but Johan has a 2.98 ERA on the year.  How dare you complain.  I’ll give you Scott Baker, Kevin Slowey and 4 April starts from Verlander for a taste of that Joham.

Angel Pagan – About a month ago, I asked Razzball Nation to start the Benchy Frenchy campaign online and at Metco.  I’d like to now report the Mets listened and will shift Pagan to right when Beltran returns.  The truly miraculous part of our accomplishment is I don’t think any of you actually did anything.  Yet, it still worked.  When you see the difference one little site in the corner of the interwebs can make by doing nothing, it makes you want to do more of nothing.

Hello, new readers who found us from Googling the title!  You probably weren’t expecting a fantasy baseball site.  Don’t let that stop you.  We’re an equal opportunity offender.  And if the title didn’t interest you, how about Giants to add Bum to ‘Cum topped staff?  Hello, our newest readers that didn’t find us due to the title, but did find us due to that last sentence!  You probably will be offended.  But say the title was, “Giants ‘Cum Led Staff Points To Bum Insertion.” Now if you found us due to that hypothetical title.  Well, ahoy there!  Don’t even get me started on Filthy Sanchez.  All right, a detailed Madison Bumgarner outlook can be found where it says, “Madison Bumgarner outlook.”  Bumgarner is risky, but in the NL West and with his stuff, worth a look in deep mixed and NL-Only leagues.  In keepers, pursue him aggressively.  So far this year, he has a 47:20 K:BB ratio and a 3.13 ERA in 69 innings.  I’d definitely take a flyer (is it flier?) in certain mixed leagues where I needed the upside.  Still, there’s a bunch of arms I’d want over him.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Brett Cecil – Besides having a name of a 70′s British pinup, Brett Cecil has a 0.99 WHIP and decent Ks.  Sure, the matchups are terrible, but there’s no reason why he shouldn’t be owned in every league.  For what it’s Wuertz, Cecil has appeared in three Buy columns dating back to April.  Watch out, deaf ears, something’s falling!

Felipe Paulino – Sometimes his pitching looks like Ronnie Paulino, while Ronnie’s doing a number two.  In NL-Only and deep mixed leagues, I’d grab Paulino for his Ks and not much else.  But Ks are Ks are Ks, says the letter L prematurely.

Brad Lincoln – Another NL-Only and/or keeper guy.  Oh, and next time you want to make a splash, Lincoln, don’t follow Strasburg.  You’re welcome!

Jason Hammel – I wouldn’t start him at home just yet.  Not worth the agita.  Last year on the road, a 3.13 ERA.  He credits his road success to an Entertainment Coupon Book that allows him to get all the best deals no matter what city he’s in.  And not having to pitch in Coors.  Yeah, that too.

Jon Niese – Just went over him.  Scroll or click.  Scrolling could help you lose 17 calories.

Alfredo Simon – Juan Schmoil says he wants Simon to be the closer.  Granted, he’s probably never seen him actually pitch.  Nevertheless!

David Hernandez – SAGNOF!  Oh, and should you own two O’s closers?  It’s not ideal, but I am on a few teams until the shituation shakes out.  Just think how fun it can be when the O’s don’t win for a week then they finally get a save opp and the bullpen gives up 5 earned in a third of an inning.  Fantasy baseball, this IS my outlet!

John Axford – He is currently the closer.  Man, I wish I was in a league where he was still available.  Like 65% of ESPN leagues.

Brad Lidge – Owned in only 86% of ESPN leagues.  So 14% of ESPN leagues are owned by Philly fans.

Carlos Santana – Just went over him too.  Don’t believe me?  Click here.

Jack Cust – Three True Outcome player:  strikes out, homers from your bench, homers from waivers.

Jose Tabata – I just went over him.  You did?  Hmm… I must’ve been fertilizing in FarmVille. Thanks for heads up, Random Italicized Voice.  You can find Jose Tabata fantasy info at that link-a-ma-jig.

Andres Torres – I’ve probably been remiss by not talking about him, but he’s still only owned in 20% of ESPN leagues, so there’s still time.  Torres has 11 steals in 168 ABs while batting around .300.  He’s old as dog balls but he’s currently hitting.

Neil Walker – Walker is hitting for average and should get Runs out of the two hole like me after Taco Bell.

Sean Rodriguez – He’s a 25 homer, .240 average guy, in the best case scenario, but he’s currently hitting, so there’s that.

Reid Brignac – Actually having a better season than Sean Rodriguez, but hitting .211 over the last 7 games so there’s that, the sequel.

SELL

Mike Stanton – BUT YOU JUST TOLD US TO BUY HIM!  I know, Mr. Caps, let me explain.  OKAY, KEEP IT SHORT, THE COPS ARE KNOCKING ON THE DOOR.  *calling off*  ONE SECOND!  I’m praying Stanton hits a few homers this weekend and his value goes even higher than it already is.  Right now, Stanton’s the hottest thing since the bread Strasburg sliced.  His hype is way above his value.  What’s Stanton going to give you?  The same as Carlos Lee?  That’s the best case scenario.  I think you can get Carlos Lee and a donkeycorn in a trade of Stanton.  Don’t trade Stanton for a bag of creamed corn.  Mostly because creamed corn should not be in a bag.  Ever.

Buster Posey – I am such a hater, ain’t I?  I’m gonna drop a double caveat on you.  I wouldn’t trade Stanton or Posey in keeper leagues.  In one year leagues, Posey’s tradeable if there’s guys like Soto, Montero, Suzuki, etc. on your waivers.  He’s not really that much better than any of those other guys, especially “etc.”  That guy can mollywhop!

Nick Markakis – This guy’s taking the career path of Garrett Atkins.  I’m not quite to the point where I’d drop Markakis, but if you can get anything at all for him, I’d go for it.  Really, what’s he going to give you?  20 homers and 7 steals?  I just popped a zit in the mirror and it read, “Yeah, so?”