Did you know that Vapors song, Turning Japanese, is about masturbation? Because when said act is done, a man squints, hence turning Japanese. Things that are offensive aren’t always racist, but, in this case, they are. Too bad The Vapors follow up single, “When I Really Have To Pee, I Dance Like A Cherokee” never climbed the charts. So this morning, Selig, on advice from his toupee, is taking the greatest day, Opening Day, and putting it up against infomercials and a three hour loop of the Emergency Broadcast Network. Why the hell is Opening Day at 3:05 AM Pacific Standard Time, you ask. Because Selig is a f*cking idiot. That asterisk is a U, by the way. In case that wasn’t clear. Way to excite the next generation of baseball fans. Take Opening Day 6,000 miles west and have the two worst teams play. Could we not get the Padres to play the Washington Generals in Cape Horn? Anyway, for fantasy baseball, pick up anyone who may play, especially in H2H leagues. They’re all fair game. If I were you, I’d focus on the hitters. From what I’ve read, Japanese ballparks are smaller….Please, blog, may I have some more?
On Base Percentage (OBP) is what Skynet created for the Oakland A’s so they could win the World Series and ruin baseball.
Actually, that doesn’t sound quite right. I think OBP is the brew baseball writers’ fermented in a basement to scare Andre Dawson, or it was the reason pitchers feared Jim Rice, thereby making him a Hall of Famer.Please, blog, may I have some more?
We fill out the 2011 fantasy baseball rankings with the last few hitters, the top 10 utility players for 2011 fantasy baseball. These players are only eligible at DH aka Utility. Frankly, I don’t think you should draft any of these designated hitters. They don’t allow enough flexibility. For example, what if you had Travis Hafner clogging up your Utility spot last year and you really wanted to pick up Jose Bautista? You would’ve been wretched, retching on all fours to borrow from The Decemberists. These guys have no position eligibility for fantasy baseball. As with past rankings posts, this top 10 for 2011 will be broken up into tiers, and their 2011 projections will be included. Anyway, here’s the top 10 utility players for 2011 fantasy baseball:
1.Please, blog, may I have some more?
In last year’s top 80 outfielders post, I told you to take a flyer on Krispie Young, Delmon Young and Nick Swisher. Like the quarter of Harrison Ford that is Jewish, not too shabby. Then there was crap, crap, kinda crap and Jason Heyward. That’s what you’re probably getting late at outfield again this year. I’m no Nostradumbass, but I’m telling you there’s not going to be a whole lot of greatness coming out of this post. We’re Cousteau deep right now. So all the 2011 fantasy baseball rankings are found under yonder and we’re moving onto pitchers next. That should excite you, you special person you. Anyway, here’s the top 80 outfielders for 2011 fantasy baseball:
61.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Seriously, it’s cool and all for fans of the Yankees and Red Sox but doesn’t Bud Selig in his infinitesimal wisdom see that maybe something needs to be done to level out the playing field? It’s all so short-sighted, kinda like how he turned a blind eye to steroids. Diamondbacks give away Reynolds so they can save a few million. Meanwhile, the Red Sox sign Carl Crawford for $142 million with a developing country bonus. If he wins the MVP, they’ll buy him Guatemala. “El Presidente can you steal a base for us?” That’s what they’ll say in Guatemala.Please, blog, may I have some more?
This year in the minors Domonic Brown had a line of 62/19/64/.323/14 and .385/.580/.965. Let’s recap, whoa/wow/nice/yum-yum/don’t mind if I do and yowsers/that’s lovely/yowsersthat’slovely. To break that down for the people who skimmed the first two sentences, he has 20/20 potential with plate discipline. It’s the fantasy baseball equivalent to: “I don’t think this glazed donut can get any better.” “How about we sprinkle bacon on it?” Drool. By my estimation (and Keith Law’s), he’s the number one prospect in the minors. (Desmond Jennings is a close 2nd in my book that was rejected by Simon & Schuster.) Either Werth will be shown the door or Philly fans will kidnap Raul Ibanez and toss him blindfolded into the newly-constructed Octagon in Citizens Flank’s parking lot. Is Domonic Brown more trouble than he’s Werth? No, I don’t think so. Unless we’re talking about spelling his name. I’d grab Brown in 12 team mixed leagues or deeper. In keepers, you should own him already. If you don’t, then now might be a good time. Or now. Or now. Or… You get the point. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Alex Gordon – Is this the Alex Gordon that was called up three years ago after tearing up the minors only to flame out? Or is this the Alex Gordon that is called up today that just got done ripping up the minors that will finally fulfill his promise? I don’t know. He crushed the minors this year — in 277 ABs, 14 homers, 8 steals, .310 average, .451 OBP and a 1.018 OPS. He can be a 20+ homer, 15 steal guy over the course of a full season if he doesn’t get in his own way and the Royals give him every day ABs. I would take a flyer on him for your corner infidel spot for the chance he finally makes good on the promise. If you’ve heard this story before about Gordon, it’s because you probably have, so don’t drop anyone too valuable.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Pedro Alvarez went 3-for-5 with 2 homers. Had his 2nd two homer game in two days. Say that fast 117 times! LMFAO should be playing when Alvarez goes into the batter’s box, “Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot!” (I wish I wrote that song.) Alvarez is 23 years old. For those who can’t read between the lines, he’s going to get better!!! (Second and third exclamation marks were for emphasis, not because my keyboard’s keys are sticking.) Who knew the only thing the Pirates offense needed was to lose their best hitter? Maybe the Mariners should lock Ichiro in a closet for a few games. This is Ichiro going into the closet, “Hey, Beltran, what are you doing here?” I keed. So what can we expect of Alvarez the rest of the season. Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot! Or 12 homers and a terrible average. He’s still K’ing too much. I’d absolutely pick him up in every league just for the chance he keeps hitting bombs. I would not drop anyone that I might regret. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Ty Wigginton – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer in two days. Casey McGehee’s Dad is historically a streaky hitter and a 2nd half hitter. Also, the Phillies, Rangers and Yankees are talking about acquiring Wiggy. Not all of those teams would be a boost to his value, but if I had to take a guess, I’d say Wigginton will be in Friday’s Buy/Sell.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Andrew McCutchen has a mild sprain of the AC joint. Sucks this is happening in the hottest part of the summer. If something happened to my AC right now, I’d be so— The smart part of my brain buried under ten years of pot smoking and alcohol abuse whispers, “The AC joint has nothing to do with air conditioning.” “Shut up, Smart Part Of My Brain. If that’s even your real name.” With this AC issue, he runs the risk of overheating– Smart Part Of My Brain, “No, seriously. Google it.” *Googling, reading WebMD, asking Smart Part Of My Brain to translate* Oh, forget it, by the time I did all of that, the Pirates are already saying it’s a day-to-day issue. He should be out there Monday or some time soon thereafter. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Paul Maholm – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 1 K as he threw his 2nd career shutout. If you know when his first career shutout was, there’s a good chance you’re Paul Maholm.Please, blog, may I have some more?
After hours of rumors about a trade to the Yankees, Cliff Lee was traded to the Rangers. Going the other way, Justin Smoak and some prospects. We’ll get to Smoak in a bit. You know who I really feel sorry for in this whole Cliff Lee ordeal. The poor, poor New York Yankees. Now they have to make due with CC, Vazquez, Hughes, Pettitte, Tex, Posada, Jeter, Swisher, Gardner, Cano and A-Rod. Here’s hoping they can acquire Werth for the first man off the bench position. Or Oswalt for middle relief. My pet crocodile is crying for them. Cliff Lee threw a 2.52 ERA in Citizens Flank last year with 40 Ks and 5 BBs. Is The Flank that much better than Arlington? No, it’s not. He’s still in the AL West, at least, and not the AL East. His first start vs.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Hello, new readers who found us from Googling the title! You probably weren’t expecting a fantasy baseball site. Don’t let that stop you. We’re an equal opportunity offender. And if the title didn’t interest you, how about Giants to add Bum to ‘Cum topped staff? Hello, our newest readers that didn’t find us due to the title, but did find us due to that last sentence! You probably will be offended. But say the title was, “Giants ‘Cum Led Staff Points To Bum Insertion.” Now if you found us due to that hypothetical title. Well, ahoy there! Don’t even get me started on Filthy Sanchez. All right, a detailed Madison Bumgarner outlook can be found where it says, “Madison Bumgarner outlook.” Bumgarner is risky, but in the NL West and with his stuff, worth a look in deep mixed and NL-Only leagues. In keepers, pursue him aggressively. So far this year, he has a 47:20 K:BB ratio and a 3.13 ERA in 69 innings. I’d definitely take a flyer (is it flier?) in certain mixed leagues where I needed the upside. Still, there’s a bunch of arms I’d want over him. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Brett Cecil – Besides having a name of a 70′s British pinup, Brett Cecil has a 0.99 WHIP and decent Ks. Sure, the matchups are terrible, but there’s no reason why he shouldn’t be owned in every league. For what it’s Wuertz, Cecil has appeared in three Buy columns dating back to April. Watch out, deaf ears, something’s falling!Please, blog, may I have some more?