Fantasy Baseball Advice

We fill out the 2011 fantasy baseball rankings with the last few hitters, the top 10 utility players for 2011 fantasy baseball.  These players are only eligible at DH aka Utility.  Frankly, I don’t think you should draft any of these designated hitters.  They don’t allow enough flexibility.  For example, what if you had Travis Hafner clogging up your Utility spot last year and you really wanted to pick up Jose Bautista?  You would’ve been wretched, retching on all fours to borrow from The Decemberists.  These guys have no position eligibility for fantasy baseball.  As with past rankings posts, this top 10 for 2011 will be broken up into tiers, and their 2011 projections will be included.  Anyway, here’s the top 10 utility players for 2011 fantasy baseball:

1. Adam Lind – This is the first tier.  Lind is the only one in this tier.  I call this tier, “Lind will bounce back, check his eligibility in your league.”  Went over Lind’s projections in the top 20 1st basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball.  (Note: Has 11 games at 1st base and 16 games in the outfield.)

2. Vladimir Guerrero – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Ortiz.  I call this tier, “These guys will tempt you to draft them.  Don’t.  Okay, draft Vlad if he has outfield eligibility in your league.”  Went over Vlad’s projections in the top 40 outfielders for 2011 fantasy baseball.  (Note: He only has 19 games in the outfield.)

3. David Ortiz – Big Popup’s HR/FB% went from 17.2% in 2007 to 14.8% in 2008 to 13.4% in 2009 to 19.0% in 2010, which was actually near his career norm.  So that means at 34 years old, Ortiz stopped the career slide and reverted back to his old ways or it means he had one last good year and will go back to the career slide this year.  I’m guessing on the latter.  2011 Projections:  80/27/100/.255

4. Luke Scott – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Matsui.  I call this tier, “Don’t draft these guys under any circumstances.”  I don’t mind picking Scott off of waivers when he’s on one of his hot streaks.  If you draft him and keep him on your team, you probably autodrafted.  You’re also not reading this so I can say whatever I want.  I was the one who used your Seven Samurai Criterion Collection DVD as a coaster.  That’s for not even knowing Kurosawa until the Barenaked Ladies mentioned him in one of their songs.  Scott’s projections are in the top 80 outfielders for 2011 fantasy baseball. (Note: Scott has 19 games at 1st base and 14 games in the outfield.)

5. Hideki Matsui – I worry about you and your fantasy baseball team if you even consider drafting Matsui.  If he’s on the board and you’re considering drafting him, go for an upside pick.  2011 Projections:  50/18/70/.270  (Note:  Matsui has 18 games in the outfield.)

6. Jim Thome – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until the end of the list.  I call this tier, “Now would be a good time for the AL to revert back to the pitcher hitting.”  People convince themselves Thome is a good bet on draft day.  “Hey, he hits 25 homers!  That’s better than a flyer on some guy who I’m not even sure is getting playing time.”  That’s you.  And that’s incorrect logic.  If, say, Reid Brignac is not getting playing time when you draft and Thome is, you’re still better with Brignac because when it’s the day before the season starts and Brignac is suddenly the starter, guess whose value shoots up?  Thome’s value never goes anywhere.  Ever.  It’s like this, do you buy a penny stock of Atari hoping they regain their past glory even though they haven’t done anything new in 20 years and their factory is three Chinese men passing around a porn magazine or do you buy a penny stock of a hot shot new company that may or may not burst onto scene?  Go with the hot shot.  2011 Projections:  50/22/60/.255

7. Jack Cust – Another Atari.  Cust kayin’.  2011 Projections:  60/20/70/.235

8. Travis Hafner – More like ColecoVision.  2011 Projections:  45/15/55/.265

9. Dan Johnson – I could see telling people to pick Johnson off waivers during the season, but unless he has 1st base eligibility in your league (14 games) and your league is an AL-Only league, there’s no reason to draft him.  2011 Projections:  60/15/70/.245

10. Jake Fox – I almost put Nick Johnson here, but I was afraid if I ranked Johnson, he would read it, get excited and throw out his back.  As for Jake, I still have the “Unathletic like a Fox!” t-shirts.  As soon as he hits, they hit the market.  2011 Projections:  30/10/40/.245

In last year’s top 80 outfielders post, I told you to take a flyer on Krispie Young, Delmon Young and Nick Swisher.  Like the quarter of Harrison Ford that is Jewish, not too shabby.  Then there was crap, crap, kinda crap and Jason Heyward.  That’s what you’re probably getting late at outfield again this year.  I’m no Nostradumbass, but I’m telling you there’s not going to be a whole lot of greatness coming out of this post.  We’re Cousteau deep right now.  So all the 2011 fantasy baseball rankings are found under yonder and we’re moving onto pitchers next.  That should excite you, you special person you.  Anyway, here’s the top 80 outfielders for 2011 fantasy baseball:

61. Tyler Colvin – This is a continuation of the last tier in the top 60 outfielders for 2011 fantasy baseball.  This tier ends at Boesch.  You’re looking at a guy who should get around 20 homers and a handful of steals, assuming you don’t have Alfonseca hands.  Though I’m legitimately concerned he’s going to hit just .240, have homers in the teens and be unusable.  2011 Projections:  70/25/80/.265/10

62. Coco Crisp – Seems like Coco is the du jour pick of people who think they’re, like, totally smart.  People look at him and see a guy that gave a cheap, very valuable season last year.  It’s true.  Okay, now think about his ownership last year.  He was always on and off waivers for a reason.  He was 30 years old while having his first productive season in years and he can’t stay healthy.  He’s fine if he’s healthy but you’ll be dropping him at some point.  Mark my words.  Not with a permanent marker though, they’re on your computer.  2011 Projections:  50/6/35/.260/22

63. Ryan Kalish – Kalish is a big time friend of Grey.  He’s got great upside.  I guarantee at some point he will be the hottest add off of waivers.  Just right now, as I write this in January, I have no idea where he’s playing every day.  You wanna grab him in the last few rounds as a flyer?  I’m all for it just to see if he can break camp and start.  Just know, you may be dropping him a few days into the season.  2011 Projections:  65/7/50/.270/25 in 400 ABs

64. Franklin Gutierrez – I think I’m finally ready to admit that I like Gutierrez’s nickname, The Big FraGu, more than I like him in fantasy, but not quite.  He’s a cheap 15/15 guy!  (Which does grow crazy boring over the course of the season.)  2011 Projections:  65/15/70/.260/17

65. Garrett Jones – Robot Jones didn’t make the top 20 1st basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball.  Neither the hoo!  He’s worth a flyer at a corner infidel spot if you’re desperate.  His average last year was a bit on the unlucky side, he has power and some slight speed.  What I’m basically saying is, he’s a’ight.  2011 Projections:  65/24/80/.270/7

66. Chris Carter – Could hit 30 homers, but will he ever reveal what happened to The Smoking Man?  Actually, I have no idea if that makes sense.  I never saw The X-Files.  I’m not a dork!  Anyway, back to fantasy baseball…  My Chris Carter fantasy is there.  I wrote it in pink highlighter while riding on the back of an emu.  I suggest you picture that while reading it.  2011 Projections:  35/22/55/.225/3

67. Brennan Boesch – Is he even a starter?  Not sure, but if he gets hot he might start for a couple of months.  He did show last year that when he’s hitting he can keep it going for a bit.  He’s probably more of a guy to look at in Spring Training to see what his playing time is.  2011 Projections:  60/16/70/.250/7

68. Brad Hawpe – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Ordonez.  I call this tier, “If you draft any of these guys in your last outfield slot, you deserve to lose.”  Veteran outfielders are fine to pick up once the season starts and you want to play the hot hand, but to draft one is wasting a pick.  Even if a guy like Hawpe explodes in Petco (which is highly doubtful), you’re not going to hold him when someone is sitting on waivers that is far more enticing the first week of the season.  Really you shouldn’t even be drafting hitters this late.  You should’ve already filled your hitting and be grabbing random closer handcuffs or an SP.  Oh, and I have nothing to say about Hawpe.  2011 Projections:  55/24/70/.260

69. Josh Willingham – It’s the 2nd coming of The Hammer in Oakland, only this Hammer you can touch.  Though you shouldn’t.  2011 Projections:  60/20/70/.260/4

70. Johnny Damon – If he played 2nd base, he’d have value and be able to reach the base he’s throwing to.  2011 Projections:  85/14/45/.280/10

71. J.D. Drew – He’s in a good place to play, assuming he’s playing and not on the trainer’s table getting his quad rubbed down.  2011 Projections: 60/21/70/.270/3

72. Cody Ross – Probably will hit a few homers some random week of the season and I’ll tell you to grab him while he’s hot.  That will probably last for about two weeks then you’re going to need to drop him again.  2011 Projections:  60/17/70/.260/10

73. Jack Cust – He only has outfield eligibility in Yahoo leagues.  That’s okay, cause you’re not drafting him anyway.  Cust kayin’.  2011 Projections:  60/20/70/.235

74. Magglio Ordonez – Soul Glo Magglio of yesteryear is donezo.  Now he’s “Maybe you get 20 homers and a good average while boring the Capris off of you” Magglio or you get “Oft-injured vet that causes people to mock you when you draft him” Magglio.  Neither is very good.  2011 Projections:  65/15/75/.300

75. Luke Scott – I call this tier, “Guys that have outfield eligibility in Yahoo, but you should be playing them at different positions.”  I don’t necessarily dislike all of these guys.  They’re kinda hit or miss.  Or not really hitting and missing, as the case will probably be.  As for Luke “I am not your waiver wire fodder” Scott, it’s cute that you think you’re going to own him all year, but we both know you’re not going to.  If you want to draft him, I won’t stand in your way, but I also won’t stand in your way when you drop him before the season starts.  2011 Projections:  60/22/70/.260

76. Eric Patterson – Patterson’s projections can be found at the top 20 2nd basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball post.

77. Bill Hall – I don’t think H-A Double Hockey Sticks got mentioned in the top 20 basemen post but I guess that’s the point.  He’s not that memorable.  All kidding aside– Were we kidding? I did not know. Quiet, Random Italicized Voice.  Bill Hall’s not a terrible crazy late flyer at 2nd base.  Don’t put him in your outfield.  2011 Projections:  50/15/65/.240/7

78. Ryan Doumit – Doumit’s projections can be found at the top 20 catchers for 2011 fantasy baseball post.

79. Omar Infante – Infante’s projections can be found at the top 20 shortstops for 2011 fantasy baseball post.

80. Mark Teahen – Member when people were excited by Mark Teahen for a minute a few years ago?  That’s not an Urban Dictionary dot com “minute” either, which is actually a long time.  I have a nickname for Mark Teahen, MT Promises.  2011 Projections:  60/15/75/.275/7

After the top 80 outfielders for 2011 fantasy baseball, there’s more names than you can throw a stick at, but here’s three worth mentioning:

David Murphy – I like Murph, but you have to platoon him.  Say, grab him with your next to last round pick then Matt Diaz with your last round pick.  You’ll actually end up with decent numbers if you switch them out per matchups but you also might grow bored by April 15th and drop both.  Or have an injury to someone and need to drop one.  2011 Projections:  50/15/65/.280/12

Matt Joyce – If it wasn’t for Damon and Manny, Joyce could mollywhop homers and save kittens.  Then again, Manny and Damon, or as I like to call them Damanny, will get hurt and Joyce will see some time.  2011 Projections:  40/17/55/.250/4

Brandon Allen – I’d actually rank Allen 63rd on this list, but here he is so I can highlight him.  I like Brandon Allen probably more than I should.  The addition of Nady hurts his value, Juan Miranda hurts his value, Brandon Allen hurts his own value, but I think he finally gets his ABs in the desert.  If they play Parra over Allen, I could have a fit, or phit if you spell like a graffiti artist.  Allen will hit 25 homers with everyday at-bats and, in his last year of Triple-A, he stole 14 bases.  He might hit .230 but it’s absolutely worth the flyer.  I also already went into a seedy motel and soiled it further with my Brandon Allen fantasy.  I.e., Grey hearts Brandon Allen.  2011 Projections:  60/25/80/.245/7

Seriously, it’s cool and all for fans of the Yankees and Red Sox but doesn’t Bud Selig in his infinitesimal wisdom see that maybe something needs to be done to level out the playing field?  It’s all so short-sighted, kinda like how he turned a blind eye to steroids.  Diamondbacks give away Reynolds so they can save a few million.  Meanwhile, the Red Sox sign Carl Crawford for $142 million with a developing country bonus.  If he wins the MVP, they’ll buy him Guatemala.  “El Presidente can you steal a base for us?”  That’s what they’ll say in Guatemala.   I imagine Crawford will hit somewhere in the middle of the Sawx lineup.  Like third, for instance.  With Ellsbury leading off, Pedroia in the two hole (hehe — two hole) and A-Gon cleanup.  There’s flexibility there so it could change.  Either way, they’re scoring 7 runs a game.  Crawford wasn’t exactly on the Mariners last year for offense.  The Rays scored the third most runs just behind the Red Sox.  Fenway’s a much gentler lover than the Trop, but Crawford hasn’t exactly ripped the cover off the ball there.  4 homers and a .275 average in 320 ABs.  Whatever the case, I think he’s going to be great and do more or less what he did last year.  Lots of steals, high-teen power and a solid average.  I’ll give him a line of 100/16/110/.305/45.  Yeah, it’s solid.  Anyway, here’s some more moves and what they mean for fantasy baseball:

Carlos Pena – Chuck P. says Yo! Bum Rush Chicago!  Pena is just the guy to get the Cubs over the 102-year hump.  Or at least strike out trying.  Pena was crazy unlucky with balls batted into play last year.  The scary thing is, he’s not much better than a .230 hitter even when he’s not unlucky.  Left mouth says, “Sch…”  Right mouth says, “…nikes.”  Together, “Schnikes.”  Would be a decent pairing with an Ichiro or a Sauvignon Blanc.  Supposedly, Pena was playing with plantar fasciitis last year, which only sounds like something Mr. Peanut would get.  He’s already said he’s recovered from it.  That might have caused his ground ball rate to go up.  Last year, he pounded balls right into the shift.  If he can just get some more lift on his balls (hehe — I said, shift then lift on his balls), then Pena could be in for a nice rebound year.  Right now, I’d conservatively give him 70/35/95/.235/3.  There’s room for more power though and average can be fluky.

Jason Bartlett – Off to San Diego, or as they call it in San Diego, “Here.”  Don’t think this is necessarily the death of Bartlett.  His age, his caught stealing percentage and his speed decline, those things might be the death of Bartlett.  As for any possibility of a return to the power he showed back in 2009, fahgettabartlett!

Reid Brignac – The door is open for Brignac.  Next stop, a sleeper post for him in the coming weeks.  You can hardly wait!  No, you!

Matt Diaz – Headed to the Pirates.  Dye-as is one of my favorites if you can platoon him against lefties only.  In most leagues, you won’t want (stutterer!) and/or need Dye-As, which is your deal more than mine, but he does throw some residual soot on someone else…

Garrett Jones – Who is this paging me at 5:46 in the morning?  It’s Robot Jones.  “Damn, Dye-as wanna stick me for my at-bats.”  It’s true, Robot.  That’s your warning.  Since Jones only hit .220 with six homers in 214 ABs vs. lefties last year, there’s a good chance Robot will be oiling his wheel-feet on the bench against his weaker half.  This could kill his value in 12 team mixed leagues.

Dioner Navarro – Signed with the Dodgers.  He’ll work a blahtoon with Rod Barajas.  Dioner has a softball build without the upper body strength to tap the keg.  It’s pretty useless in fantasy.

Craig Kimbrel – Right now, Fredi Gonzalez is saying he’s thinking about using Kimbrel and Venters for closing games.  Kimbrel is the righty, so he’d have slightly more value, but I’m sure this isn’t the last we’ll hear about this.

Koji Uehara – Will remain with the Orioles and chances are he’ll stay in as the closer, but Gonzalez could make it a Mike G. joint.  Will need to monitor this shituation in the spring.

Jeff Francoeur – Frenchy.  Royals.  Dayton Moore.  Off with his head!  At 27-years-old, Francoeur could return to his glory days of 2006 when he hit 29 homers with 100+ RBIs, but there is nothing from his last four years that make that seem like anything but a pipe dream.

Jack Cust – Signed with M’s.  I see what’s happening here.  Last offseason, the M’s made all kinds of signings that had their fans thinking they were the team to beat then they collapsed out of the gate.  This offseason, they’re doing crap and hoping it’ll have the inverse effect on the team’s 2011 performance.  They’re sneaky up there in the Pacific Northwest.  The M’s already have the Golden Glove Milton Bradley where Cust would probably fit, but maybe they lose Bradley.  (Member when the M’s fans were excited the team signed Bradley?  Yup.)  Cust will be 32-years-old for the start of the 2011 season and he looks to be aging quickly.  If he hits 25 homers and .260, he’s sneaky valuable in AL-Only leagues.  If he hits 17 homers and .240, he’s useless.  Cust kayin’.

Nate McLouth – Fredi Gonzalez also said he’s leaning towards McLousy for the starting centerfield job.  Very early in the game for guys to be handed starting jobs.  We’ll see.  But can you say bounce back?  Or as they spell it in Korea, “Bow-uns Bak.”

This year in the minors Domonic Brown had a line of 62/19/64/.323/14 and .385/.580/.965.  Let’s recap, whoa/wow/nice/yum-yum/don’t mind if I do and yowsers/that’s lovely/yowsersthat’slovely.  To break that down for the people who skimmed the first two sentences, he has 20/20 potential with plate discipline.  It’s the fantasy baseball equivalent to:  “I don’t think this glazed donut can get any better.”  “How about we sprinkle bacon on it?”  Drool.  By my estimation (and Keith Law’s), he’s the number one prospect in the minors.  (Desmond Jennings is a close 2nd in my book that was rejected by Simon & Schuster.)  Either Werth will be shown the door or Philly fans will kidnap Raul Ibanez and toss him blindfolded into the newly-constructed Octagon in Citizens Flank’s parking lot.  Is Domonic Brown more trouble than he’s Werth?  No, I don’t think so.  Unless we’re talking about spelling his name.  I’d grab Brown in 12 team mixed leagues or deeper.  In keepers, you should own him already.  If you don’t, then now might be a good time.  Or now.  Or now.  Or… You get the point.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before we head into the post, just wanted to say the Commenter and Razzball league standings were updated.  Anyway II, onto the Buy/Sell:

BUY

Alex Gordon – Is this the Alex Gordon that was called up three years ago after tearing up the minors only to flame out?  Or is this the Alex Gordon that is called up today that just got done ripping up the minors that will finally fulfill his promise?  I don’t know.  He crushed the minors this year — in 277 ABs, 14 homers, 8 steals, .310 average, .451 OBP and a 1.018 OPS.  He can be a 20+ homer, 15 steal guy over the course of a full season if he doesn’t get in his own way and the Royals give him every day ABs.  I would take a flyer on him for your corner infidel spot for the chance he finally makes good on the promise.  If you’ve heard this story before about Gordon, it’s because you probably have, so don’t drop anyone too valuable.

Chris Johnson -  He’s hitting right now and he has some power potential.  Plus, if he fails you, you can say, “Chris Johnson meet P. Johnson,” while urinating on your computer screen that’s showing your fantasy team.

Yunel Escobar – Hopefully the hand injury he sustained the other day doesn’t get in the way of the revenge he’s currently seeking on the entire Braves organization.

Starlin Castro – In one league, I’m rocking Luis Castillo in my middle infield.  I don’t tell you this because I think you should pickup Castillo or for pity.  I want sympathy!  Castro started off as a hero to millions then he left all his believers scavenging for scraps.  That commie bastard!  Now he’s hitting and stealing bases.

Neil Walker – I’m pretty lukewarm on Walker.  He looks like Coghlan at MI, which is all right.  At least right now, he’s Coghlan when Coghlan’s hitting.

Asdrubal Cabrera – I’d prefer to take an As-Cab to a Walker.

Scott Sizemore – He’s baaack!  And doing nothing like when he left. Who knew a meth’d out Tom Sizemore would be the most reliable Sizemore this year?  I’d grab Scotty for the chance he can make good on his promise.  (He promised me 14/16 in the preseason.  He’s lied thus far.)

Ty Wigginton – His ownership numbers are trending down but that’s wrong, I tell ya.  Guy gets streaky like your acid wash jeans from the 80s.  Unlike the jeans, you don’t have to deny ever owning him.

Jason Bartlett – Welcome back to 103.5 MI-ROQ, where it’s middle infielders all day and night!  Bassoon, tire screech, crazy cackling, triangle, cow bell, more cow bell and one last ding.  Don’t fahgettaBartlett!

Matt Diaz – Dye-As murders lefties, which is similar to being a lefty killer.  Play him against his strong side, sit vs. weak side.  Rinse, repeat.

Drew Stubbs – At 13/18 with a .245 average, he’s having a season that a young Krispie Young would’ve admired.

Juan Rivera -  I’ll be honest, some of these guys are hard to get excited about.  Juan Rivera’s one of those guys.  Wait, who was I talking about?  See!

Jack Cust – If you don’t know what Cust gives you, go back three places and read Matthew Berry.

Luke Scott -  Hard to recommend Scott too highly.  He’s currently hitting and he could get you some homers, but he might not play every day.  It’s like masturbating to The Golden Girls.  It’ll get the job done, but why not switch the channel?

Jordan Zimmermann – I went over J-Z in, like, the last three Buys.  Scroll around the site, will be good for pageviews.

Travis Wood – There could be some ups and downs for Wood.  Oofa!  Thank you, don’t forget to tip your waitresses.  He gets the Astros today.  Giddy up, Wood.  That’s what she said!

Pedro Alvarez – I just went over my Alvarez fantasy.  Click through, it’ll save you time because we both know how busy you are.

J.J. Putz – SAGNOF!

Matt Thornton -  See 1/8th of an inch above.

Sergio Santos – Nothing comes between me and my Sergio Santos.  Except maybe Putz and Thornton.  I’d grab them, in the order I’ve listed them.

Chris Perez – We have to assume Wood will take over when he returns.  But Perez could have the closer job for the rest of the season if Wood is traded.  But II, Making A But Out Of Nothing At All:  Even if Wood returns, he’s far from secure.

SELL

Mike Leake – Even Dusty can’t continue to throw Leake as he flies past a reasonable innings limit.  Dusty’ll put him in Harang’s uniform then send him back to the mound.

Kris Medlen – I love me some Medlen.  We practically grew up together.  Or maybe it was just that I owned him in a few fantasy leagues for a few months.  Neverthehoo!  Medlen’s having his innings limited, it’s hard to own that, unfortunately.

Phil Hughes – The Yankees have limited Hughes to 4 starts in the past month and will probably keep him close to the same workload moving forward.  It’s Hughes Rules… Skip him for a start then let him throw a mediocre 5 inning game.

Josh Beckett – Right after he goes against the hapless M’s tonight, you write something like this on your league messageboard, “Now that Beckett is doing great, I have an excess of starters that I want to trade.  Will trade everyone but Beckett because I really believe him… Unless someone makes a good offer.”  Then you take any offer you get for Beckett.  That’s ygolohcysp, baby!

Pedro Alvarez went 3-for-5 with 2 homers.  Had his 2nd two homer game in two days.  Say that fast 117 times!  LMFAO should be playing when Alvarez goes into the batter’s box, “Shot!  Shot!  Shot!  Shot!  Shot!  Shot!”  (I wish I wrote that song.)  Alvarez is 23 years old.  For those who can’t read between the lines, he’s going to get better!!!  (Second and third exclamation marks were for emphasis, not because my keyboard’s keys are sticking.)  Who knew the only thing the Pirates offense needed was to lose their best hitter?  Maybe the Mariners should lock Ichiro in a closet for a few games.  This is Ichiro going into the closet, “Hey, Beltran, what are you doing here?”  I keed.  So what can we expect of Alvarez the rest of the season.  Shot!  Shot!  Shot!  Shot!  Shot!  Shot!  Or 12 homers and a terrible average.  He’s still K’ing too much.  I’d absolutely pick him up in every league just for the chance he keeps hitting bombs.  I would not drop anyone that I might regret.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ty Wigginton – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer in two days.  Casey McGehee’s Dad is historically a streaky hitter and a 2nd half hitter.  Also, the Phillies, Rangers and Yankees are talking about acquiring Wiggy.  Not all of those teams would be a boost to his value, but if I had to take a guess, I’d say Wigginton will be in Friday’s Buy/Sell.

Juan Rivera – Over his last 7 games, he’s hitting .450 with a homer and a steal.  I avoided him like the plague in the preseason, but I have nothing against picking up a random hot outfielder for a two to three week fling.  I’m a fantasy baseball whore like that.

Hideki Matsui – Hit his 2nd homer in the last two games at The Stadium They Built Next To The Stadium Ruth Built.  Must’ve been nice to be home again.  The city where he made his major league debut.  The city where he won the World Series MVP.  The city where he masturbated to his legendary collection of porn.

Delmon Young – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs in the three hole while Mauer rested his long, supple gams.  I like Delmon at the top of the lineup.  He’s hitting and he can throw the bat at an ump harder than anyone else.

Geovany Soto – 1-for-2 with his 13th homer.  Good thing you dropped him!

Ted Lilly – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Trade talks are starting to heat up on Theodore Roosevelt Lilly (<–actual name!).  He’s a three and a half ERA, low WHIP guy wherever he goes, so I wouldn’t be too worried.  (BTW, don’t you think the word ‘three’ should have three E’s?  Maybe it’s just me.)

Jack Cust – 2-for-3 with his 4th homer in the last week.  He could hit 15 homers in the next two-plus months.  Or he could strikeout 100 times.  Or he could do both.  I’d grab him if you’re hurting for power.

Andrew Bailey – For what it’s Wuertz, Wuertz (stutterer!) got the save as Bailey had a routine day off.

Clay Buchholz – 4 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Returned to the DL and then Dice-K pulled a ‘Vice-Versa’ and body switched with him.  I’m sure this was partially due to rust, but Buchholz also was supposed to regress a bit, so there’s that.

Adrian Beltre – 3-for-4 with the slam & legs.  Beltre loves contract years like a fat kid loves cake.

Bronson Arroyo – 5 2/3 IP, 7 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K.  After starting Arroyo in leagues, I’m walking like I was just jumping hurdles.

Adam Dunn – 0-for-4.  I hope I’m wrong, but I have the sneaking suspicion that Dunn’s average is about to bungee and the cord is going to snap.

Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Member when he was first called up in 2008 and we nicknamed him Jobacum because he was one part Joba (this was when Chamberlain was good) and one part Lincecum.  Yeah, good times.  Anyhoo, Scherzer’s now looking more like Ubaldcumo.

Randy Wolf – 5 2/3 IP, 12 ER, 15 baserunners, 4 Ks.  The Brewers should buy him a Corvette for making him stay in this game.

George Kottaras – 2-for-4, and he hit his 8th homer which is twice as many as Mauer.

Carlos Gonzalez – Played for part of the game until he had to leave after reaggravating his bruised finger.  Aggravating, indeed.

Yorvit Torrealba – This is a message for the Padres’ front office.  Everyone else can skip to the next blurb.  Padres, it’s nice that you’re winning.  Your pitching is good.  There’s no doubt about that.  When you are batting Yorvit Torrealba 2nd in your lineup, you need to make a trade for hitting.  Don’t delude yourself into thinking that you have all the pieces you need.  Jerry Hairston Jr. is not a leadoff man.  Headley, Denorfia, Venable, Skinny Gwynn, EverCab… They’re all terrible hitters.  Gaby Sanchez is better than all of them and Gaby Sanchez isn’t really that good.  Okay, now go get some bats.

Jason Hammel – 7 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  His ERA in Coors is 3.18 and more than 2 runs better than when he’s in pitchers’ parks.  Figure that shizz out.

Jaime Garcia – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Sonavabench!  It’s kinda easier when a player just goes totally bad.  These good starts mixed in with bad starts are much more frustrating.  I just know his next start isn’t going to be good.  I know it in my soul.  I will start him anyway.

Chad Billingsley – 9 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  How can he pitch so poorly then so well?  As Scully would say, “The truth is out there.”  Wait, that’s the wrong Scully.

Marc Rzepczynski – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I wouldn’t own him right now in any leagues.  Even in my league that only uses players with the last name Rzepczynski.

Jose Bautista – The Blue Jays are taking my advice about selling high on Bautista as they take offers from some contending teams.  Now it’ll be interesting to see how many actual teams will buy into Bautista when no fantasy ones will.

Carl Crawford – Day-to-day with testicular contusion, which is different than RuPaul’s testicular confusion.

Erik Bedard – Won’t pitch this year.  Right now, the Erich Bedardens are showing the Bennis Carpensheeters a thing or two about staying unhealthy.  Keep it real, Bedardens!  Will be interesting to see if the M’s fill Bedard’s rotation spot with Chris Tillman– Oh, wait.  At least the Mariners still have Adam Jones– Oh, that’s right.  Yeah, trade’s still not looking so good.

Felix Hernandez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 8 Ks.  He leads the AL in Ks and is 2nd in ERA.  But he may not get to 10 wins.  In other news, I need wins in all of my leagues.  In other other news, kill me now while playing The Carpenters, “We’ve Only Just Begun” because I want to go out IRONICALLY!