Fantasy Baseball Advice

In last year’s top 80 outfielders post, I told you to take a flyer on Krispie Young, Delmon Young and Nick Swisher.  Like the quarter of Harrison Ford that is Jewish, not too shabby.  Then there was crap, crap, kinda crap and Jason Heyward.  That’s what you’re probably getting late at outfield again this year.  I’m no Nostradumbass, but I’m telling you there’s not going to be a whole lot of greatness coming out of this post.  We’re Cousteau deep right now.  So all the 2011 fantasy baseball rankings are found under yonder and we’re moving onto pitchers next.  That should excite you, you special person you.  Anyway, here’s the top 80 outfielders for 2011 fantasy baseball:

61. Tyler Colvin – This is a continuation of the last tier in the top 60 outfielders for 2011 fantasy baseball.  This tier ends at Boesch.  You’re looking at a guy who should get around 20 homers and a handful of steals, assuming you don’t have Alfonseca hands.  Though I’m legitimately concerned he’s going to hit just .240, have homers in the teens and be unusable.  2011 Projections:  70/25/80/.265/10

62. Coco Crisp – Seems like Coco is the du jour pick of people who think they’re, like, totally smart.  People look at him and see a guy that gave a cheap, very valuable season last year.  It’s true.  Okay, now think about his ownership last year.  He was always on and off waivers for a reason.  He was 30 years old while having his first productive season in years and he can’t stay healthy.  He’s fine if he’s healthy but you’ll be dropping him at some point.  Mark my words.  Not with a permanent marker though, they’re on your computer.  2011 Projections:  50/6/35/.260/22

63. Ryan Kalish – Kalish is a big time friend of Grey.  He’s got great upside.  I guarantee at some point he will be the hottest add off of waivers.  Just right now, as I write this in January, I have no idea where he’s playing every day.  You wanna grab him in the last few rounds as a flyer?  I’m all for it just to see if he can break camp and start.  Just know, you may be dropping him a few days into the season.  2011 Projections:  65/7/50/.270/25 in 400 ABs

64. Franklin Gutierrez – I think I’m finally ready to admit that I like Gutierrez’s nickname, The Big FraGu, more than I like him in fantasy, but not quite.  He’s a cheap 15/15 guy!  (Which does grow crazy boring over the course of the season.)  2011 Projections:  65/15/70/.260/17

65. Garrett Jones – Robot Jones didn’t make the top 20 1st basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball.  Neither the hoo!  He’s worth a flyer at a corner infidel spot if you’re desperate.  His average last year was a bit on the unlucky side, he has power and some slight speed.  What I’m basically saying is, he’s a’ight.  2011 Projections:  65/24/80/.270/7

66. Chris Carter – Could hit 30 homers, but will he ever reveal what happened to The Smoking Man?  Actually, I have no idea if that makes sense.  I never saw The X-Files.  I’m not a dork!  Anyway, back to fantasy baseball…  My Chris Carter fantasy is there.  I wrote it in pink highlighter while riding on the back of an emu.  I suggest you picture that while reading it.  2011 Projections:  35/22/55/.225/3

67. Brennan Boesch – Is he even a starter?  Not sure, but if he gets hot he might start for a couple of months.  He did show last year that when he’s hitting he can keep it going for a bit.  He’s probably more of a guy to look at in Spring Training to see what his playing time is.  2011 Projections:  60/16/70/.250/7

68. Brad Hawpe – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Ordonez.  I call this tier, “If you draft any of these guys in your last outfield slot, you deserve to lose.”  Veteran outfielders are fine to pick up once the season starts and you want to play the hot hand, but to draft one is wasting a pick.  Even if a guy like Hawpe explodes in Petco (which is highly doubtful), you’re not going to hold him when someone is sitting on waivers that is far more enticing the first week of the season.  Really you shouldn’t even be drafting hitters this late.  You should’ve already filled your hitting and be grabbing random closer handcuffs or an SP.  Oh, and I have nothing to say about Hawpe.  2011 Projections:  55/24/70/.260

69. Josh Willingham – It’s the 2nd coming of The Hammer in Oakland, only this Hammer you can touch.  Though you shouldn’t.  2011 Projections:  60/20/70/.260/4

70. Johnny Damon – If he played 2nd base, he’d have value and be able to reach the base he’s throwing to.  2011 Projections:  85/14/45/.280/10

71. J.D. Drew – He’s in a good place to play, assuming he’s playing and not on the trainer’s table getting his quad rubbed down.  2011 Projections: 60/21/70/.270/3

72. Cody Ross – Probably will hit a few homers some random week of the season and I’ll tell you to grab him while he’s hot.  That will probably last for about two weeks then you’re going to need to drop him again.  2011 Projections:  60/17/70/.260/10

73. Jack Cust – He only has outfield eligibility in Yahoo leagues.  That’s okay, cause you’re not drafting him anyway.  Cust kayin’.  2011 Projections:  60/20/70/.235

74. Magglio Ordonez – Soul Glo Magglio of yesteryear is donezo.  Now he’s “Maybe you get 20 homers and a good average while boring the Capris off of you” Magglio or you get “Oft-injured vet that causes people to mock you when you draft him” Magglio.  Neither is very good.  2011 Projections:  65/15/75/.300

75. Luke Scott – I call this tier, “Guys that have outfield eligibility in Yahoo, but you should be playing them at different positions.”  I don’t necessarily dislike all of these guys.  They’re kinda hit or miss.  Or not really hitting and missing, as the case will probably be.  As for Luke “I am not your waiver wire fodder” Scott, it’s cute that you think you’re going to own him all year, but we both know you’re not going to.  If you want to draft him, I won’t stand in your way, but I also won’t stand in your way when you drop him before the season starts.  2011 Projections:  60/22/70/.260

76. Eric Patterson – Patterson’s projections can be found at the top 20 2nd basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball post.

77. Bill Hall – I don’t think H-A Double Hockey Sticks got mentioned in the top 20 basemen post but I guess that’s the point.  He’s not that memorable.  All kidding aside– Were we kidding? I did not know. Quiet, Random Italicized Voice.  Bill Hall’s not a terrible crazy late flyer at 2nd base.  Don’t put him in your outfield.  2011 Projections:  50/15/65/.240/7

78. Ryan Doumit – Doumit’s projections can be found at the top 20 catchers for 2011 fantasy baseball post.

79. Omar Infante – Infante’s projections can be found at the top 20 shortstops for 2011 fantasy baseball post.

80. Mark Teahen – Member when people were excited by Mark Teahen for a minute a few years ago?  That’s not an Urban Dictionary dot com “minute” either, which is actually a long time.  I have a nickname for Mark Teahen, MT Promises.  2011 Projections:  60/15/75/.275/7

After the top 80 outfielders for 2011 fantasy baseball, there’s more names than you can throw a stick at, but here’s three worth mentioning:

David Murphy – I like Murph, but you have to platoon him.  Say, grab him with your next to last round pick then Matt Diaz with your last round pick.  You’ll actually end up with decent numbers if you switch them out per matchups but you also might grow bored by April 15th and drop both.  Or have an injury to someone and need to drop one.  2011 Projections:  50/15/65/.280/12

Matt Joyce – If it wasn’t for Damon and Manny, Joyce could mollywhop homers and save kittens.  Then again, Manny and Damon, or as I like to call them Damanny, will get hurt and Joyce will see some time.  2011 Projections:  40/17/55/.250/4

Brandon Allen – I’d actually rank Allen 63rd on this list, but here he is so I can highlight him.  I like Brandon Allen probably more than I should.  The addition of Nady hurts his value, Juan Miranda hurts his value, Brandon Allen hurts his own value, but I think he finally gets his ABs in the desert.  If they play Parra over Allen, I could have a fit, or phit if you spell like a graffiti artist.  Allen will hit 25 homers with everyday at-bats and, in his last year of Triple-A, he stole 14 bases.  He might hit .230 but it’s absolutely worth the flyer.  I also already went into a seedy motel and soiled it further with my Brandon Allen fantasy.  I.e., Grey hearts Brandon Allen.  2011 Projections:  60/25/80/.245/7

You know it’s September when I’m highlighting a guy that could possibly give you maybe one week of just slightly better-than-average stats.  Enter stage left, Mark Ellis. Yesterday, he went 3-for-3 with his 4th homer on the season.  Is there a meh emoticon?  That’s Mark Ellis.  He’s a big bottle of “Um, what the hey, I’ll grab Mark Ellis.”  He is the guy on waivers that, even when hot, you don’t feel like the three clicks of the mouse to pick him up are worth it.  I hear ya.  I’m not exactly dropping superlatives on him like I’m Donald Trump describing anything.  He’s now batting near .400 in September.  Don’t make me tell you to grab him every day this week.  Just get him now.  He’s hot.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Jason LaRue – Due to multiple kicks to the face by Johnny Lawrence Cueto, LaRue’s retiring.  Cueto obviously misunderstood when so many pitchers said they’d love to face LaRue.

Travis Wood – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Had some unfounded concerns for this start.  He goes to Petco next.  I’d get Wood.  I mean… No, that’s what I mean.

Chris Johnson – 2-for-3 with his third homer in the last ten games.  Compared to, say, Kung Fu Panda, Johnson looks like Mike Schmidt.

Michael Bourn – Out with an oblique strain.  Sounds like he might be sidelined until late in the week, at least.  It’s The Bourn Calamity.

Joe Blanton – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Really deserved the win in this one.  Not Blanton.  Me!  I deserved it.  I can’t believe I’m going to lose leagues because I can’t buy a win.

Jayson Werth – 3-for-5 with the South Philly special slam & legs.  BTW, Jayson Werth seems way more likely to know and/or talk to Turtle instead of Ryan Howard.  You know, Turtle from that show you watch that you have no idea why you watch.

Mark Teixeira – Who has one sore thumb?  This guy!

Andy Pettitte – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Nice start for a guy who hasn’t toed the major league rubber in two months.  The problem, he gets the Red Sox next.  I wouldn’t go near that start in most leagues.

Luke Scott – 2-for-3 with his 27th homer.  If he hits one homer, he always hits another homer within the week.  The preceding was off of memory and no actual facts.

Joe Mauer – Has a jammed knee and is day-to-day, which is day-o to day-o in Jamaica.

Francisco Liriano – 5 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. the A’s.  This should’ve been an easy start for Liriano.  An easy start!  Grrr…

Shin-Soo Choo – 2-for-4 with his 4th homer in three games.  He reminds me of a slightly younger, much more Korean Bobby Abreu.

Bobby Abreu – Speaking of the 20/20 machine, Abreu hit two homers yesterday to bring his line to 83/20/75/.255/21 for one of those joyless 20/20 campaigns.

Fernando Rodney – Blew the save on Saturday and the Sciosciapath said, “”I have a lot of confidence in Fernando. One got away tonight, unfortunately. But we’re comfortable with the guys out there to hold leads. It’s not going to happen all the time.”  So, of course, Jordan Walden got the save on Sunday.  In fairness to Scioscia, Rodney had pitched two days in a row.

Mike Napoli – Out with a forearm strain that occurred from his constant pulling for playing time.

Chris Narveson – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K.  If it’s any consolation, it’s obviously not the best of luck when you give up six earned and only 8 baserunners.

Barry Enright – Uncle Barry is shutdown for the season.  Should free him up to tell bawdy jokes and complain about his wife’s cooking.

Daniel Hudson – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  On the Diamondbacks, his WHIP is under 1 and his ERA is 1.65 in 71 innings with 65 Ks.  Yeah, that’s better than that other pitcher you’re thinking of.  And that one.

Adrian Beltre – Out with a sore wrist, but I’m guessing he’ll be playing Monday.  Wild horses on speed (like in the underrated Ted Danson/Howie Mandel-starrer, A Fine Mess) couldn’t keep Beltre out for an extended period of time during a contract year.

J.D. Drew – Hit his 19th homer yesterday.  He’s actually pulled off the rare feat of hitting 19 homers and not once getting hot enough for an extended period of time to be usable in fantasy.

Jon Lester – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Now has a 3.06 ERA on the year and more Ks than IP.  I’ll admit it, I kinda love Lester.

Phil Coke – 1/3 IP, 4 ER.  Before getting rocked, Leyland said, until Valverde is ready to go, he’ll be going with Coke.  Ron Washington said that’s a good move.  After getting rocked, I don’t think it’ll be that clear cut.  Perry could see some saves.

Tommy Hunter – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K.  I’m not a huge Hunter fan, but he gets the A’s and M’s as his final two starts.  That ain’t bad.

Jose Guillen – 2-for-4, 6 RBIs.  He was almost the lead for this post and I think you should grab him as the hot outfielder off of waivers.  He’s hitting near .400 over the last week with two homers.  Trust me, pick him up.

Derek Lowe – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Lowe’s been pitching well of late and he gets the Nats next.  I’d grab him.

Jeff Samardzija – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Marlins and pitched well against the Cards his last time out, the same Cards he gets again in his next start.  It’s still not an advisable start with his 7 BBs to 5 Ks in his last two starts.

Welington Castillo – 2-for-4 with his first career homer.  Showed some power in Iowa, but he’s a hacker that could be a .220 hitter.  He’ll probably split time with Koyie Hill and isn’t worth picking up unless he gets crazy hot or you’re just crazy crazy.

Tyler Colvin – Will miss the rest of the season after being impaled by a broken bat.  He should be fine, confirming he is not a vampire.

Geovany Soto – Out for the season with shoulder surgery.  The Koyie Hill Fan Club, that affectionately refers to itself as The Koy Pond, celebrated his potential increase in playing time at Coyote Ugly but in the Evite they cheekily called it Koyie Ugly.

Yesterday, Bob Feller told a story about how he once threw 117 MPH while urinating.  He went on to talk about Triscuits and where he left his teeth.  When he came back around to baseball, he said no one’s throwing a 1.15 ERA, even that guy with no hair.  Once again, the old Feller has forgotten more than you could ever know.  To paraphrase EPMD, last night Ubaldo Jimenez had his ERA tooken.  He gave up 6 earned runs in 5 and two-thirds innings.  It’s no crime to be hit by the Red Sox in Coors and you had to expect the ERA was going to come up at some point.  All things considered, he K’d 7 and walked no one vs. a club that knows the strike zone.  Was his best strikeout to walk ratio game in a while.  He’s still a terrific pitcher, he might just be a 3.00 ERA one instead of a 1-something one.  You’ll take that medicine and like it.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ian Stewart – 2-for-4 and a homer off Papelbon.  Ride, Mini Mini Donkey, ride.

Jarrett Hoffpauir – 1-for-3 as Cito Gaston announced that Hoffpauir will be the every day 3rd baseman.  Hip-hip-Hoffpauir!  Though once Snider returns Hoffpauir will probably be squeezed for time.  I went over my Hoffpauir fantasy the other day.  Speaking of Snider, what happened to that young brother?  He’s pulling a Kotchman, for sure.  Was supposed to be ready in less than the original 15 days on the DL, now looking like we might not see him again until after the All-Star break.  A hurt wrist that is lingering this long is not a good sign, says Mr. Obvious.

Tommy Manzella – Fractured his index finger and will be out for 6 weeks.  Has anyone ever seen Manzella and Adam Everett in the same place?  A-ha!

Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Kid Cueto strikes again against a weak team in a pitcher’s park.  Cueto looks like he should be a 3.75 ERA pitcher over the course of the season.  To get those numbers though, you have to start him every time out, which is a bit nail biting.

Edinson Volquez – 5 IP, 1 ER in a rehab start.  Could be back before the All-Star break.  For those in the back of the room, that’s not that long.  Don’t you love how Edinson was suspended for 50 days and recovered from Tommy John surgery quicker than Erik Bedard, who was throwing in April and originally slated to return in May?  In related news, Bedard’s supposed to return soon too.  We shall see.

Jose Reyes – 3-for-4, steal, homer and 3 Runs.  Member back in March when someone said my Reyes pick was the worst pick of the Friends & Family draft?  I don’t want to make too much of it, but it is pretty illustrative of how preseason news is always blown out of proportion.  (Though the same guy thought Beltran was the best pick of the draft.  Hmm…)

R.A. Dickey – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  As soon as you pick up Dickey, your fantasy situation will get sticky.

Angel Pagan – Left the game with what appeared to be an oblique issue.  Knowing the Mets, this will mean a 180-day DL stint.

Carlos Quentin – 2-for-3 with 2 homers as he bats over .400 in the last week.  Don’t thaw out Ted Williams’ head just yet, but Quentin’s finally come alive.

Cliff Lee – 9 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks.  The Adverb has 76 Ks and 4 BBs.  Now read that again emphasizing different words.  Still impressive, right?

Tyler Colvin – Hit his 2nd homer in the last five games.  Probably will continue to hit for some power, but his average may drop with more playing time.  Think 20 homers and a .275 average on the year.

Randy Wells – 6 IP, 6 ER, 12 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Against the M’s in Safeco?  Forget it, we’re done.  Don’t ask me if you should start Wells anywhere.  You shouldn’t.

Ricky Romero – 8 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He’s on pace for 200+ strikeouts.  Cust kayin’.

Stephen Strasburg – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks as he faced his toughest competition yet, the Royals.  Be interesting once he takes on a real major league offense.  For those zealots who like to keep score:  DeJesus 1, Big Baby Jesus 0.

Ryan Ludwick – Missed yesterday’s game with leg cramps.  Doesn’t Midol make something for that?

Sean Rodriguez – 1-for-4 with a homer.  Unfortunately, it looks like he’s back to playing intermittently, unless this homer can shake loose some more playing time.

John Ely – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  It’s nice, but I wouldn’t start him outside of Dodgers Stadium vs. good matchups until I see more consistency.

Ricky Nolasco – 7 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks.  You know how Nolasco needs at least one minor league assignment to get straightened out every year?  I have an idea, whoever’s fixing his mechanics in Triple-A, let them manage the Marlins.

Gaby Sanchez – 3-for-5 with his 8th homer, hitting around .400 for the last week and over .350 in June.  I wouldn’t recommend him for anything but Runs and average, but sometimes you need that sorta thing.

Chase Headley – 1-for-3 with a homer.  The one league where I was stuck with Headley (Don’t confuse that with sticking with Headley.  It’s a 20 team league, I’m stuck with him.), I’ve resigned myself to only expecting production on the road, where he’s batting .291.

Brian Bannister – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He pitched well because at no point in this game did Dr. Brian Bannister turn into the Incredible Hulk of Crap.

Dontrelle Willis – 2 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners — 7 of which were walks.  I really have no allegiances when it comes to baseball players.  Probably what makes me half-decent at this fantasy shizz, but the story of Dontrelle’s complete collapse is kinda sad.  Unless his previous success was ‘roid related, then I’m no longer sad, but I don’t think it was (who knows though, right?  I know!  I mean, I don’t know if I know, you know?).  I think this is some Ankiel, Knoblauch yips thing.  I wish I were Miguel Olivo so I could give Dontrelle a big hug.

Aaron Heilman – 1 IP, 1 ER and the blown save.  Meanwhile, Sam Demel continues to dominate in middle relief.  I don’t think the Diamondbacks go to Demel, but they could.  At this point, if they brought in Byung-Hyun Kim, I wouldn’t be surprised.

Curtis Granderson – 3-for-5 with a homer and steal.  Ten more games in a row exactly like this and we’ll be cool.

Manny Parra – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  I enjoy the Parra, I do.  It’s no secret.  He will kill your WHIP and he’s prone to 2 IP, 6 ER-type games, but he’s chock full ‘o strikeout potential.

Chris Johnson – 2-for-4 and a steal as he got his second start in a row.  Definitely worth a look in NL-Only leagues.

Shin-Soo Choo – 2 homers, 4 RBIs as he thanked owners for Choo-Choo-choosing him.

Kerry Wood – 1/3 IP, 2 ER.  Really should be replaced by Chris Perez, but I think the Indians are trying to prove Wood’s worth on the trade market.  Problem is each time he pitches he’s worthless.

Daniel Nava – 2-for-3 as he still bats .382 on the year.  In a few leagues, I grabbed him for the chance on some extended upside.  The other day I went over what to expect from him.  Search the site, it’ll burn calories.

J.D. Drew – Red Sox announced Drew won’t be back on Thursday, after announcing two days ago he wouldn’t be back on Wednesday.  You think they have one guy in charge of making J.D. Drew injury announcements?  Me, “Hey, you’re standing next to me at a bar, what do you do?”  Him, “I make J.D. Drew injury announcements.”  Me, “Of course you do, they need a guy for that!”

Josh Beckett – Threw 55 pitches on Wednesday, slated to return mid-July.  If he returns and you’re hoping for better than a 4.00 ERA pitcher, you’re hoping for too much.  I mean, he’s only a career 3.90 ERA guy to begin with.  Oekávání.  And that’s me putting expectations in Czech.

In an unprecedented move, I’m making Aramis Ramirez a Buy after labeling him a schmohawk in the preseason.  Crazy, right?  Get me a constituency and a mistress, I’m a flip-flopping politician?  I’ll run on the “No more new tuxes” campaign.  Then when people elect me and say they thought it was a typo or a weird lisp, I’ll tell them, “No, I’m just not buying a new tuxedo.”  I don’t want to talk up Aramis too much because I don’t think he’s a surefire stud.  He is what he is.  A 25 homer, 90+ RBI, .280 guy.  This past April was his worst month ever.  The next closest month of the last six years was when he hit .197 in April of 2006.  In the last six years, he never had more than two months under .250 in the same year.  Right now, his BABIP is the unrealistic .160.  His career mark is .288.  That’s obviously a far way off.  I wouldn’t give my dead grandma’s broach to get Aramis, but right now his owners don’t even want him or your nana’s forget-me-not.  You can probably trade a Brain Freeze and a schmohawk and get him.  Check raise the bettor, cause you have alligator’s blood.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Kris Medlen – In the minors, he averaged a 9+ K/9.  Last year in 67+ innings with the Braves, he had a 9+ K/9.  I don’t think he’s just going to walk away with Jurrjens’ rotation spot, but if Jurrjens has a setback (that’s a lilliputian “if”), Medlen could stick around for a month or so, giving a mid-3 ERA, a manageable WHIP and great Ks.  I <3 Medlen.

Brett Cecil – He’s my favorite hodgepodjay upside pick, but he too will be subjected to tough matchups.  Move Toronto to the NL!

Ian Kennedy – Even if we’re to assume 60% of ESPN leagues have been abandoned, how is he only owned in 7% of ESPN leagues?  He has a 1.14 WHIP with decent strikeout and walk rates.  I’ll buy that for a FAAB dollar!

Wade LeBlanc – Here’s to Tally McTallstein never returning.

Scott Olsen – Like Minnie Pearl, I’m gonna make it nice and simple for you.  Just went over Scott Olsen for fantasy.  Now click.

Hisanori Takahashi – Those of you looking for some Ks from your MRs, Takahashi has 26 Ks through 18 2/3 innings.  As Kevin Brauch says, konbanwa, ladies and gentlemen.

Tyler Clippard – Damn, dawg, I’m dropping the gauntlet on middle relievers.  That’s pitchy.

Starlin Castro – Don’t you wanna put an apostrophe on Starlin?  Yeah, me too.  Let’s start with what Stephen said in the Cubs Minor League Review, “He has more speed than his steals would even lead one to believe as he is still learning the stealing craft.  Oh, and sometimes I want to poison strangers.”  Hmm… Didn’t remember that last part.  Okay, you’d think with a name like Castro, they’d platoon him cause that’s the Communist thing to do.  Yeah, I don’t think that happens.  He’s playing shortstop and Theriot moves to 2nd base.  So the Silent T tag team of Theriot and Fontenot gets split up.  Too bad, so sad.  You guys were no Bushwhackers anyway.  Grab Castro in all leagues where you need speed.  I’d expect a line of 60/3/40/.290/27.  The Runs and RBIs are lineup placement dependent.  My thought is he plays half his games at the top of the order and half at the bottom, but that’s me hedging more than anything.  And welcome all the gardeners who Googled, Bushwhackers + hedging.

David Freese – Now, he has modest power and a great average.  Later, he’ll have modest power and a good average.  Mmm… Freese’ing a now and later.

Fred Lewis – Beans don’t burn on the grill, Fred’s working his way up that “Valuable in deep mixed leagues” hill.

J.D. Drew – This week’s ROTIOAOWAYSETWOASPAYOWTWH.  BTW, that’s pronounced like LOTIOAOWAYSETWOASPAYOWTWH, but with an R.

Michael Saunders – Just went over him in this morning’s post.  Scroll down or click.  Your call.

Kila Ka’aihue – Now in most circumstances, I’d say a team bringing up Kila would play him, but we’re talking about the Royals.  They may be thinking that teams are making fun of them for not promoting Kila so they’ll bring him up and let him rot on the bench.  You know, the passive aggressive move.  Hopefully, Kila can find some ABs.  If he can, he’s worth owning in 12 team mixed leagues and maybe shallower.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – Supposed to be bacchia by now, but he’s not yet because he’s working on his throwing.  We should see him soon.

Mike Aviles – Average, not much else.  Speaking of which, I wonder if people would respect pure average guys better if it was called something other than average, because average is so usual, passable, adequate.  Now if batting average were referred to as excellent, people would be clamoring for these guys.  That Aviles is an excellent player, not much else.  See?

Koji Uehara – When the media asked Alfredo Simon how he felt to be the O’s closer, Alfredo said, “I’m the closer?  That’s scarzy, which is a portmanteau of scary and crazy.  Like this girl I used to date.  Anyhoo, who wants some freshly ground pepper on their pasta?”  Those desperate for saves, commence vulturing on Koji now.

Alfredo Simon – Simon’s right; it is scarzy, but if he’s getting saves, you know the SAGNOF drill.

SELL

Doug Fister – It’s funny to watch ownership trends in ESPN.  And funny as in not funny at all but rather pedantic.  On April 13th, Fister throws 8 shutout innings.  Fluke!  No one adds him.  Next start, 7 IP, 1 ER.  Fluke!  Five days later, 8 IP, 2 ER.  Hmm…  Who is this guy?  Last start, 8 IP, 0 ER.  I’m adding him!  Now he’s sure to explode.

Wade Davis – Appeared (along with Mister Fister) in The Corrections.

Jeff Clement – Hey, he got almost two months over the course of four years and two teams to prove himself.  That’s plenty of time.

Lance Berkman – I totally regret drafting him in the one league where I have him.  It’s a 20 team league making me kinda SOL.  For most of you, you can trade Berkman for a small piece and just grab Smoak or Ike Davis or Swisher off waivers and come within 95% of Berkman’s production while adding another piece.

Andruw Jones – But it’s a feel good story!  Sorry, friend.  Right now, his HR/FB is almost 35%; his career mark is 19% and that number is being supported by his years when he was actually good.  He’s not keeping this up even if he stayed at a Renaissance Hotel last night.

Now it’s time for everyone’s favorite game, Fantasy Baseball, Fun With Numbers.  Ding, ding, ding… Bassoon… Triangle!  Triangle!  Triangle!  Cow bell!  More cow bell!  One last ding.  In today’s installment of Fantasy Baseball, Fun With Numbers, we’re going to look at some hitters and try to figure out if maybe the numbers tell a different story than their names tell.  Anyway, here’s the latest in Fantasy Baseball, Fun With Numbers:

Player A – In 241 Post-All-Star ABs, 40/12/33/.232
Player B – In 190 Post-All-Star ABs, 35/12/30/.316

Player A is Raul Ibanez, Player B is J.D. Drew.  This doesn’t negate everything I’ve said about Ibanez, but it’s a heads up for Drew late in deep leagues.

Player A – In 255 Post-All-Star ABs, 41/10/39/.298/6
Player B – In 300 Post-All-Star ABs, 33/13/45/.290/1

Player A is Ben Zobrist, Player B is Jose Lopez.  Sure, Zorilla also birthed Siamese Twins in August with his extra position eligibility, but Zobrist is being drafted 70 spots before Lopez.

Player A – Over the season, 28.9 K% and a .360 BABIP.
Player B – Over the season, 21.7 K% and a .222 BABIP.

Player A is Brad Hawpe, Player B is Jay Bruce.  One should play the lottery, one should not.

Player A – In 608 ABs, 78/21/93/.301/1
Player B – In 314 ABs, 45/21/44/.293/10

Player A is Billy Butler, Player B is Garrett Jones.  Aw, now I’m just picking on Moobler.

Player A – In 283 Post-All-Star ABs, 41/2/21/.254/18
Player B – In 243 Post-All-Star ABs, 37/3/25/.280/17

Player A is Everth Cabrera, Player B is Elvis Andrus.  Eight rounds after Andrus, I’d take the average hit.

Player A – In 267 Post-All-Star ABs, 48/9/45/.273/11
Player B – In 284 Post-All-Star ABs, 43/8/33/.271/11

Player A is Bobby Abreu, Player B is Franklin Gutierrez.  If Abreu loses a step in 2010, he might fall far in the 2011 rankings.

Player A – In 233 Post-All-Star ABs, 29/11/33/.262/5
Player B – In 231 Post-All-Star ABs, 32/10/34/.255/0

Player A is Will Venable, Player B is Manny Ramirez.  Zoinks!