Don Mattingly said that Kenley Jansen is now his closer. His exact words were, “There was a time and a place to put a closer in the setup role and an inferior pitcher in the closer role and that time has past. I will know try to figure out why I ever shaved my mustache. Things were much easier when Joe Torre was in the dugout managing the team and not on speed dial. ‘Ooh, I’m Joe Torre, I take twenty minutes to return a text.’ C’mon, man, I can only ask for a replay review so many times! I wonder if I can get Paul Sorvino to be my bench coach. Or Joe Mantegna, he also kinda looks like Torre.” Jansen will be a $12 Salad in all leagues by July, if not sooner. Yes, he should be owned in all leagues, if he isn’t already. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jhoulys Chacin – Went to the Disgraceful List when he refused his assignment to Triple-A. If you are gonna suck in your first 5 MLB starts of the year, Jhoulys you can do is report to AAA. Please, blog, may I have some more?
First off, let me just state this post could be jumping the gun. Hell, I might be winning the 10K marathon because I started the week before everyone else did (which would explain why I had time for so much beer as I went). I know that, I own that. Now that we’ve clarified I’m trying to show the skill of clairvoyance, let’s review.
Chipper Jones has already announced he’ll retire after the end of the 2012 season and he just went on the DL to start the year due to…well whatever is ailing Chipper. Seriously, the dude hurt himself putting on a sock at one point in his career. A SOCK for all those who can only read capital letters. Though they could’ve put Martin Prado at 3rd to temporarily hold the spot, the Braves trade for a seldom used free swinger from Cincinatti named Juan Francisco. So the guy who should get the majority of starts at 3rd if and when Glass Chipper gets injured – which happens every other day – is currently less than 1% owned in yahoo, ESPN, and Fleaflicker leagues? While it’s true Jones will eventually come back and play 3rd again, in deeper leagues you have to ask yourself some important questions: ‘How long will Chipper play at age 40′, ‘will he play well if he comes back’, ‘if Juan plays well, does it delay Chipper’s return and does he come back at all at that point’ and ‘where are the question marks, I thought these were questions!!!’? It’s true, the trade for Francisco was due to the ’In case of Glass Chipper break, emergency’ sign above Jone’s locker but it’s clear the Braves don’t want Prado at 3rd in the future full time with this trade. Since 2004, Jones has averaged 122.75 games a season with his highest total coming in 2009 at 143. Chipper has always been a gamer but he’s never been confused with the Iron Man (though he has been confusing blue collar fans everywhere with his Larry the Cable Guy impersonation). The Braves will need a replacement after this season and what better way to do it then to work with the possible future one this year? Please, blog, may I have some more?
I hate these stupid beyotchabatukises too. No love lost here! Though I’m not sure if that means you love someone or you hate them. I’m trying to think the last time I heard someone say no love lost and if they were saying it happily or angrily. I think it was angrily, but they might have had no idea what they were talking about either. Well, with love lost or not, I still want a 3rd baseman earlier on. I’d prefer to not have to take a flyer from these schmohawks. Though they are different levels of schmo-ness. Some are definitely less schmo-y. As mentioned in my 2nd basemen to target or was it 1st basemen to target or catchers to target, in one of those I mentioned how if a position is deep I want a top guy unless it’s pitchers. Yeah, if the position is shallow, I don’t want a flyer. I’d prefer to have a flyer where most have flyers. This is contrary to popular opinion; maybe I’ll win a Pulitzer for this shizz. Speaking of Pulitzers, I had dinner recently with someone who won a Pulitzer. I can’t even spell Pulitzer without the spellchecker. Anyone who can spell it, should win it. They only mentioned their Pulitzer three times over the course of two hours. I would’ve been wearing the Pulitzer medallion around my neck (is it a medallion?). I would put my name in to a restaurant hostess as “Pulitzer.” When a waiter came by for our drink orders, I would ask for a whiskey with a splash of Pulitzer. The Pulitzer person was now working at US Weekly. I asked if they won the Pulitzer for their Octamom coverage. They weren’t amused. This list is 3rd basemen that can be had later in your drafts. Look at this as a supplement to the top 20 3rd basemen of 2012 fantasy baseball. Where applicable, click on the players name to read more about them or to see their 2012 projections. Anyway, here’s some 3rd basemen to target for 2012 fantasy baseball:
Ian Stewart – Can you believe I didn’t write a sleeper post about Ian Stewart? Yes, I’ve written one about him for the last three years. I meant, can you believe I didn’t write one this year? You know what that means, right? This is the year he finally puts his shizz together and earns his Mini Mini Donkey brays. Please, blog, may I have some more?
We finish off the infield with the top 20 3rd basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball. The 2012 fantasy baseball rankings from shallowest to deepest go shortstops, third basemen, catchers, 2nd basemen then 1st basemen. That’s right, I think the catchers and 2nd basemen are deeper than the 3rd basemen. 3rd base gets the gas face. In 2009, I punted 3rd base for Mark Reynolds late. Worked out fine. In 2010, I punted 3rd base for Ian Stewart late. Didn’t work out fine. In 2011, I really wanted a top 3rd baseman and punted Jose Bautista while targeting Pedro Alvarez, Ryan Zimmerman and David Wright, which taught me a valuable lesson. I’m a moron. (A very hurtful lesson, mind you.) As with other top 20 rankings, I list where I see tiers beginning and ending and my projections. Anyway, here’s the top 20 3rd basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball:
1. Please, blog, may I have some more?
As reported ad nauseum yesterday, Albert Pujols signed with the Los Angeles Suburb of Los Angeles Angels yesterday. Or the Albertaheim Pujalos, as they should now be called. Something that wasn’t reported, with Pujols going from a Cardinal to an Angel, Dan Brown now has a new book idea. After every home run, Pujols seemed to be pointing at God, but he was obviously pointing at the Angels. And since it is the Christmas season, let us not forget: When a Pujols gets a contract, an Angel gets his rings. Someone reported how Pujols stands to make $68,493 per day. I have an idea: Occupy Pujols! They’ll like that one in West Hollywood. Okay, enough of the jibber-jabbering. Please, blog, may I have some more?
While balancing a book on their head, the Blue Jays were poised to call up Brett Lawrie just when he fractured his hand. That’s worst timing than the guy down at your local Chuckles nightclub doing an open mic set. But flip our Supreme Buddha In Funny Poses day calender two months later and the hand is healed. In two weeks at Triple-A since his return, he’s hitting near .350 with a homer. Or as Lawrie would say on Twitter #yabuddy. “You want to convey your emotional state while giving the most information possible, all in under 140 characters.” That’s Lawrie explaining Twitter to his Grammie. Lawrie should be up in the next two weeks. So you have to decide if a .300 hitter with good power and speed at 2nd base is worth sitting on your bench until his call up. #yabuddy Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Hideki Matsui – Hello, time travelers from 2004. You are not in 2004 anymore. You are in 2011. Hideki Matsui is just hitting again. Though that is not Madonna on your radio, that is Lady Gaga. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Some rejected titles were, “Cards Have Jon Jay, Rasmus Have Blue Jays,” “Cards Trade Rasmus For Queen Elizabeth-Visaged Cents On the Dollar,” and “Ervin Santana Threw A No-Hitter, Beltran Was Traded — Hey, Baseball, Spread Some Of Your Breaking Stories Around.” So Colby Rasmus was sent to the Blue Jays, Edwin Jackson was sent to the Cardinals via Chicago and a whole lot of other shizz. Let’s start with Colby. Hey, Geiger, let’s go (to Canada)! Rasmus will move into center field, sending Rajai to the bench. I’m sure Colby will be empathic. “One day we will write a song together titled, “Centerfield” using John Fogerty’s lyrics and music then we will sue him for copyright infringement.” That’s Colby meeting Rajai for the first time. Last week, I was down on Rasmus, in the non-sexual way. Sick of watching him sit on the bench while Pujols farted in his general direction. Now, much like a fugitive from justice, Rasmus has a fresh start in Canada. His value definitely goes from a negative to a positive, Biggie. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Edwin Jackson – Another guy that gets a fantasy boost with a trade. Any time you’re going from the AL to the NL, I like it. Does he suddenly become the meow’s cat? I’m not entirely sure. His NL ERA last year was 5.16, his AL ERA was 3.24. All of his good years have come in the AL. Yeah, he’s a riddle inside of a Sphinx testicle. In deeper leagues or just mixed leagues where you need to gamble, I’d grab Jackson and hope Dave Duncan can do the voodoo that he do. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Two weeks ago, Albert Pujols fractured his wrist. He said he was going to be out for 6 weeks but he wasn’t sure until he went back to his home planet Krypton, where he’s known as Al-El. On Krypton, Al-El had a heart-to-heart with a hologram image of Stan Musial. What Stan told Al-El was simple. “Hitting isn’t about arms, wrists or legs. It’s about flying backwards around the globe to before your wrist was hurt by Wilson Betemit and pulling your arm back. Then take two weeks to pretend like you’re injured so no one thinks anything weird is going on.” I’d be slightly concerned that Pujols is rushing himself back and he might not have his power immediately, if this weren’t Pujols. A few years ago, he revealed in the preseason he had a broke elbow tendon or some shizz and went on to win the MVP. He’s superhuman, don’t doubt him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jon Lester – He took a no-hitter into the trainer’s room where he found out he had a strained latissimus dorsi. So, he’s a dolphin? Well, if he’s that smart, have him throw with his other flipper. Or have Al-El touch your lat and make it better! Lester will probably be out a couple of weeks. So it’s longer than you want, but shorter than the Big Dig. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Jake Peavy is due back in less than a week unless he has a setback. That ‘unless’ eats deep fried butter with a side of blooming onion, needs a crane to go to the bathroom and a mop to clean its inner thighs. I’ll admit Peavy makes me smize, as Tyra would say. I smized more when he was in Petco, but he’s pitched well in his rehab. Does he deserve another chance? Sure, why not? What, he kicked your puppy’s nads? Now if anyone tells you what you can expect of him this year other than three more DL stints, they’re lying, those no good liars. You take the flyer on him if he’s on your waivers just hoping he stays healthy and produces. The rest is icing. …Actually, I’m using the rest is icing cliche wrong. If he stays healthy and produces, that is the icing. Can you tell I wrote this when I was hungry? Mmm…Deep fried butter. Anyway, here’s some players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Vicente Padilla – I feel like one small point that’s getting lost in all of this Padilla talk is that he sucks. Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Twins’ Francisco Liriano may actually have a Twin. Let’s call him Diego Liriano (runner-up choices were Jose, Antonio, Luis Obispo, and Fernando Valley). Maybe Diego pitched his first 5 starts – the ones where Liriano got shelled to the tune of 24 ER, 18 BB, and 27 Hits within 23 2/3 innings. Please, blog, may I have some more?