Fantasy Baseball Advice

Corey Hart is out for up to a month with an appendectomy.  My college roommate had an appendectomy and he returned from the hospital in 24 hours and back to drinking Olde E forties with me by Friday, which is what we called Tuesday.  Bill Hall will be recalled (Score one for NL pitchers) and Frank Catalanotto will see time in right field (score one for the Catalanottos).  Good thing the Brewers traded for Gerut.  Who?  Hey, you sound like Ken Macha!  I expect the Hart will go on in September.  If he gives you his biggest month of the season then, it’ll be about 4 homers and 4 steals for the month.  Whoopie!  If Hart’s still on your team, now’s as good a time as any to cut him, unless you have DL room.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ian Kinsler – Just hit the DL.  Usually he doesn’t turn into a pumpkin for another twenty games.  Kinsler was in Friday’s Buy/Sell.  Betcha can guess which side of the slash he fell on.

Neftali Feliz – Called up to come out of the bullpen.  Yes, he’s flippin’ awesome.  I know.  But out of the bullpen?  Eh.  If your league’s deep enough, I guess I could see it, but I’m not running out to grab him.

Frank Francisco – Activated and set up C.J. Wilson, who got the save.  Should be about a week until Francisco’s the closer again.  And about a week and a half until he’s back on the DL.

Scott Feldman – 7 IP, 2 ER and his 10th win.  Incredible.  Three of my starters together don’t have 10 wins and this schmohawk does.  Feldman who has 58 Ks in 119 2/3 innings.  I hate wins.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – 2 HRs in his last three games.  If it’s a hot streak, it’s long overdue.

Ian Snell – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 Ks, 6 baserunners.  Got the start for the M’s vs. the Rangers.  I don’t mind a pickup of Snell in 12 team leagues, but he gets the Rays then the Yanks in his next two starts.

Chad Billingsley – Left the game with a cramp.  Aw, it’s that time of the month.  He should be ready for his next start.

Casey Blake – Had problems swinging a bat during batting practice, now he’s headed for X-rays on his hand.  Coulda called me, I own X-ray glasses.  Thank you, back of a comic book.

Matt Kemp – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs with a homer from the five hole.  This was his first homer of the year while batting above the 6th spot. (<–Torre supplied that info.)

Scott Downs – To the DL.  What I don’t get is why was Downs the closer anyway?  It’s not like he has some absurd contract cough B.J. Ryan cough.  Jason Frasor takes over the job he should’ve had anyway.  I’d own Frasor in any league.

Scott Rolen – Beaned on the helmet by a pitch.  Phillies fans can’t believe it took that long for the voodoo doll work.  Rolen should be fine.  Phew…  The Reds playoff hopes are counting on him going 120/50/120/.450 and pitching 30 no-hitters in the last two months.

Drew Sutton – 2-for-5, has SS eligibility and 15/15 type appeal.  Do I think he can reach those numbers?  I have my doubts.  But Dusty hit him leadoff all weekend and Dusty is CRAZY enough to keep him there.  Worth a flier in NL-Only leagues, keeper and otherwise.  (Dusty gets crazy in caps, you shouldn’t have to ask.)

Jon Garland – 9 IP, 2 ER vs. Guess who.  The Mets.  C’mon, these are gimmes…  Kinda like starts vs. the Mets.

Miguel Montero – 3-for-5 as he hit cleanup.  Hinch, you don’t hit a catcher cleanup then platoon him with Chris Snyder.  I’m not sure why the D’Backs are forcing Snyder into the lineup every other day or so, but Miguel Montero’s value is taking a hit.  I’m sure Tonya Harding’s available (and cheap) if anyone wants to send her to the desert looking for Snyder.

Ty Wigginton – HR yesterday.  As I mentioned in Friday’s Buy/Sell, he goes from Mr. Wigginton to Dr. Donkowitz in August.  Why?  Beats the shizz out of me.

Ronnie Cedeno – HR yesterday with the Pirates.  All he needed was a change of scenary… And 120 MPH winds blowing out.

Elijah Dukes – Trouble’s back in the town called Malice.  Riggleman says Dukes will get the majority of starts and he should.  Definitely worth a flier in 12 team leagues and deeper.

James Shields – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER.  Unfortunately, he pitched against Brian Bannister, who looked like his brother Bruce.  Would’ve been nice to get the win, but I was just happy to see Shields dominate.  Baby steps, Bob, baby steps.

Mark Buehrle – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  Now that’s how you make a correction to your season stats.

Gordon Beckham – I was getting some shizz in our fantasy baseball forums for pushing people to pick up Beckham.  In July, he hit .330 with 3 homers and 3 steals.  That’s kinda good for a guy who has shortstop eligibility.

Asdrubal Cabrera – 7 for his last 17 with two homers.  A’la Cher from Clueless, “AS-drubal!”

Bud Norris – 7 IP, 5 Ks, 4 walks, 2 hits.  That’s the problem.  The walks.  I suppose I’d own him for his next start, but I don’t think he’s going to have a rotation spot for much longer and he’s still a rookie and liable to roofie you.

Kendry Morales – 2 HRs, 6 RBIs.  March Grey told you he was a sleeper.  (Please ignore June Grey that told you to Sell him.  June Grey was phoning it in from a methadone clinic.  It was a dark time.)

Jered Weaver – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 11 Ks.  Sure would be nice to see him throw a game where he doesn’t give up 4+ earned, but the 11 Ks vs. the Twins is pretty impressive.

Orlando Cabrera – 1-for-3, HR yesterday as he batted 2nd.  He hit near .400 in July. (Ted Williams, “Unfreeze me when you do it over an entire season.”)  I’m not a huge fan of a guy who has light power and diminishing speed, but you can probably do worse at SS.

Ricky Romero – 7 IP, 2 ER vs. the A’s was a nice matchup and, for the rest of the season, Romero has matchup potential, but I think the Jays will have to begin to limit his innings.

Casey McGehee – Well, lookie what the MI schmohawk cat dragged in.  McGehee hit 2 homers in the last four games and has been playing regularly at 3rd base.

Eugenio Velez – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs.  Not  sure why, but I have a special place in my heart for Velez.  Maybe because he’s a buck thirty soaking wet.  Potatoes to chips, Velez is hitting near .500 over the last week.

Cole Hamels – 5 IP, 6 ER.  Did you really just get out-pitched by Barry Zito?  For shamels.

Jake Fox – Of course he hit a homer yesterday, he started.   I’m not what you would call a person who gets involved.  I yell, “Hands free,” to people who are talking on their cellphone while they’re driving, but that’s about the extent of my community involvement.  But if I were, say, a person who takes action, I’d start a campaign to make Jake Fox the catcher.

Victor Martinez – 5-for-6, 4 RBIs as the Red Sox won 18-10.  Without V-Mart, the Red Sox would’ve won 14-10.  Even the Yankees disapprovingly shook their heads mumbling, “Enough’s enough.”

David Ortiz – 0-for-5, 1 RBI.  Ticker Tease!

Clay Buchholz – 4 IP, 7 ER.  When you’re working with a 14 run cushion… Well… You gave him a shot.  It just didn’t work out.  I’d let him figure it out on someone else’s team.

Melky Cabrera – Hit for the cycle yesterday.  The guy who took four minutes to design “Got Melky” t-shirts at Cafepress is ecstatic.

Carlos Ruiz and angry Philly fans have a new battery mate in Cliff Lee, as he was traded from the Indians along with Ben Francisco. Going the other way were a slew of prospects, including my fave, Carlos Carrasco.  J.P. Ricciardi thought the Indians should’ve held out for Howard, Utley and Rollins.  Now to finalize this deal, Cliff should change his name to Phil.  Cliff Lee’s value takes a small boost, but he has a 3.14 ERA already.  You’ll take a low 3 ERA and love it.  You know who else gets a nice boost from this trade?  Matt LaPorta.  The MLP Package should get the call up to play with Francisco leaving his starts in, well, Cleveland.  Though the MLP Package should’ve been up and playing already and that hasn’t really happened yet.  Keep an eye on LaPorta in mixed 12 team leagues and deeper, because when he gets called up, he’ll be worth owning.  In some leagues, I’d even do a preemptive grab.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Freddy Sanchez – Traded to the Giants.  Sanchez’s value stays about the same.  Finally, the Giants have a 2nd baseman.  Now if they only had a 1st baseman, shortstop and three outfielders, they’d be all set.  The Giants must’ve thought to themselves, “Hey, if the Dodgers can compete with essentially the same quality 2nd baseman as Sanchez, why can’t we?”  A wise man once said that, “If Freddy Sanchez is an upgrade to your offense, you need a lot more than just Freddy Sanchez.”  That wise man was me.

Tim Alderson – Was the prospect that the Pirates got for Sanchez.  Scouting the Unknown has already gone over Tim Alderson.  The Cliff Notes version is, “Tim Alderson very good.  For Freddy Sanchez?  Giants idiots.”

Ian Snell – Headed to Safeco with Jack Wilson (blech) for Jeff Clement and Ronny Cedeno (blech x 2).  Jack Wilson for Ronny Cedeno is like trading a wiffle bat for a foam bat.  Snell though is intriging.  He was decent for about a year in Pittsburgh.  Going to Safeco and a fairly weak AL West isn’t terrible for his value. (The AL West weak?  The Mariners are contenders and they traded for Jack Wilson.  ‘Nuff said.)  Would I pick Snell up?  Nope, not yet.  But I’ll be watching him as he mows ‘em down in Tacoma.

Jeff Clement – He’ll be in the minors at first at, um, first, but if he gets the call he’ll be worth looking since he has catcher eligibility.  More than likely, he won’t steal ABs from Doumit, unless Doumit gets hurt, which has a decent chance of happening every day Doumit gets out of bed.  Clement will probably work his way into the 1st base mix when, or if, he gets called up.

Lastings Milledge – Argh, enough Pirates news already.  Milledge is supposed to be recalled on Friday.

Matt Cain – 9 IP, 0 ER and a no decision.  Glad to see that trade for Garko has added some much needed punch.

Roy Halladay – 7 IP, 3 ER.  J.P. Ricciardi asked Halladay to give up a few runs so no one would meet his demands.  Part of the master plan!

Jose Lopez – HR yesterday.  Usually he hits homers in bunches.

Adam Jones – Last week, I pointed out how Jones was hot again.  This week, he has 3 straight games with a homer.

Chris Tillman – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER.  Eh, he looked a’ight.  Touched up for a few long balls and left some pitches up in the zone that could have led to a worse line.  Vs. the Royals you’d like to see a bit more, but he’s a rookie.  If you wanna try for the upside, you have to take on the risk.  Vs. the AL East?  I wouldn’t bother in one year leagues, except for matchups.

Jim Johnson – He entered the 8th in a save situation then the O’s added on, so Johnson stayed in and got the save.  Doesn’t mean he’s now the closer, but it may mean he’s next in line.  Which is good to know, ya know?

Joba Chamberlain – 8 IP, 0 ER.  Now three great starts in a row where he’s looked less like his mother’s son.

David Ortiz – DNP as Lowell DH’d and LaRoche played 1st.  The LaRoche Situation™ is costing all of these guys playing time.

Aaron Harang – 7 IP, 7 ER.  Not pretty, obviously, but after being touched up in the 1st inning, he threw 6 scoreless until Dusty left him in there too long.

Mat Latos – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 Ks, 2 baserunners.  Very encouraging start from the young pitcher, but keep in mind he only threw 86 pitches.  On most nights, 86 pitches won’t get you through the 7th inning.  But as a HopdgePadre?  Get on the train!

Edward Mujica – Well, that cleared that up.  He’s no longer in the running for the closer job if Bell moves, because Mujica’s taking Geer’s spot in the rotation.  Mujica will be limited to 60 pitches so he’s not a wise investment.

Andruw Jones – 2 HRs. Oh, and having a better season than Josh Hamilton.

Scott Feldman – 2 1/3 IP, 6 ER, while looking more like his brother, Corey.

Curtis Granderson – 2 HRs.  I feel like Grandy’s putting together a very solid season (22 HRs/17 steals) and it’s going by pretty unnoticed.  Not sure why.  Is it because he’s batting .259?  Cause I’ll take a .240 average from a guy who’s on his way to a 30/25 season.

Justin Verlander – 7 IP, 3 ER, 13 Ks and his 12th win.  He has 172 Ks through July.  Incredible.  Yeah, he could win the Cy Young.

Carlos Quentin – HR yesterday.  About flippin’ time.

Wladimir Balentien – Traded to the Reds for bag of buttered popcorn.  Confusing on a few levels.  The Reds needed an outfielder?  The Reds are buyers?  I guess Baker just can’t stand the thought of playing Gomes every day.

Howie Kendrick – Batting .450 in the last seven games.  Yesterday, homer and 5 RBIs.  Is it me or is every middle infielder simultaneously hot?  It’s The Age of the MI Schmohawk.

Francisco Liriano – Brian Duensing replaced him yesterday not because Liriano’s been terrible, though that reason would’ve worked for me, but because Lirano had swelling in his forearm.  Supposedly, Liriano should be fine by next week.  I’m not sure if that’s good news or bad news for Liriano owners.

Alfonso Soriano – Al-So’s smoking the ball.  You know who else is hot?  Aramis and Lee.  About time the Cubbies stepped up their hitting. (BTW, I like how in yesterday’s blowout Piniella pulled his regulars, except Bradley.  Maybe Lou feels the same way as me.  If Milton plays enough, he’s got to get hurt.  It’s no coincidence that Milton Bradley makes the Operation game.)

Reed Johnson – Out four weeks with a broken foot.  The other day Randy was hurt.  This is the worst week to be a Johnson since Lorena Bobbitt was famous.

Felipe Lopez was traded to the Brewers yesterday.  This further cements Casey McGehee’s backup/utility/schmohawk MI behind door number 3 role.  McGehee was a Sell on Friday and someone in the Milwaukee brass obviously read that.  Felipe Lopez will prolly bat leadoff and primarily play 2nd base.  He might get a few more Runs, but his value pretty much stays the same.  Right now, Lopez has a 6/6 line on the year.  This will put him in line for the middle infielder that everyone looks at late in next year’s drafts and thinks, “12/12 on the year?  I’ll take that at my MI spot.”  Then by June you’re thinking about how yawnstipating it is.  I was as guilty as anyone in the preseason thinking Lopez had a 20/20 season in him and, at the age of 29, maybe he does, but it sure doesn’t seem like it’s coming this year.  Going to the Diamondbacks were Cole Gillespie and Roque Mercedes, who were both featured prominently in Buena Vista Social Club.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Cla Meredith – The groundball pitcher, Meredith, went from the Padres to the Orioles for Oscar Salazar, the groundball hitter.  Let the trades begin!  Meredith now becomes the go-to Cla in Baltimore replacing Senator Clay Davis.  I have to get one guy out in the 8th inning? Shiiiiiiiiiiit!

Ramon Hernadez – Done for 4-6 weeks with knee surgery.  Luckily, you don’t need knee surgery so you can punt him.

Mark Grudzielanek – The Twins signed him in a textbook, “What were they thinking?” move.  Maybe the Twins GM lost a poker game.

Nelson Cruz – Has a small fracture in his ring finger.  Supposedly, he should be able to play through it.  Though Cruz’s longtime girlfriend is seeing it as an omen.

Jason Marquis – 8 IP, 1 ER.  Won his 12th game yesterday.  The Marquis de Shat leads the majors in Wins.  And you wonder why I say Wins are unpredictable.

Mat Latos – 4 IP, 2 ER.  Held to a conservative 75 pitches.  Not ideal scenario if the Padres are going to handle Latos with guantes de niños.  Still worth owning in NL-Only leagues and leagues deeper than 12 team. (Relevant of nothing, was watching the ESPYs while I wrote this roundup.  Was waiting for Samuel Jackson to say, “These are some tasty goddamn highlights.“)

Franklin Gutierrez – 2 HRs and 2 steals this weekend.  Even if you only start The Big FraGu against lefties, he really should be owned in all leagues at this point.

Johnny Cueto/Yovani Gallardo – Both threw 6 innings of 3 run baseball allowing 11 baserunners each.  Unfortunately, I considered these solid starts for both of them at this point.

Jonny Gomes – HR yesterday off a righty.  With Bruce suffering from Wristie No Attachie, Jonny Cat could see a healthy amount of ABs and have value.  In deep leagues, definitely worth owning for his starts vs. lefties, if nothing else.

J.A. Happ – 7 IP, 0 ER.  The J.A. stands for jackass, as in what I am for telling everyone to drop him two months ago.  Mea culpa, my brother.  But this start was away and I’m still not crazy about starting him at home.

John Lackey – 9 IP, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Lackey hasn’t been a great 2nd half pitcher in the past, but since he’s only thrown 13 starts so far this year, maybe he’ll avoid the slump.  Then again, he only had 11 starts pre-All-Star break last year and still wasn’t great in the 2nd half.  Way to shoot holes in your own example, Grey.

Brett Anderson – 8 IP, 2 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Now has thrown 21 consecutive scoreless innings. Once again, when a pitcher’s hot, you own them.  When they’re cold, you discard them.  Hot — own, cold… You got it.

Matt Kemp – 3-for-3, HR and 4 Runs yesterday.  As Kemp, Ausmus and Kuroda show the Dodgers who the real 1-2-3 hitters are.

Alfonso Soriano – Homers in back-to-back games.  Could hit 15 homers in the 2nd half.  Take it to the bank!  But put it in one of those short-term, tax-free vehicles like a municipal bond.

Jake Fox – HR yesterday in his first start since the All-Star break.  Doesn’t figure to get regular ABs, but if you can afford to bench him when he doesn’t start and play him in daily leagues when he does, it could pay off.  If only Milton Bradley would get hurt already.

Gregg Zaun – HR yesterday, too bad he’s blocked by Matt Wieters.

Jeremy Guthrie – 8 IP, 2 ER.  Well, it took 3 months, but my favorite 6th fantasy starter might finally be coming around.  He could have a good month in the tank, though I wouldn’t start him next time out vs. the Sawx.

Jose Contreras – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER.  As I pointed last week, “In May of last year, Contreras had a 2.09 ERA in over 43 innings.  In June, he had a 6.83 ERA.  In his last 43 and 2/3 innings, he has a 2.06 ERA.  Beware of a correction in the road.”  And that’s me pointing out the uncanny!  Jose Contreras, The Best Random Forty-Three Innings Pitcher In Baseball.

Joba Chamberlain – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 Ks.  Cool, now give me ten more starts exactly like this and I’ll stop cracking on your Moms.

Billy Butler – 4-for-5, no runs and no RBIs.  He’s batting .294 on the year with 8 homers.  By next year, he’s Youuuuk.  It’s called a hunch, people!

Joel Pineiro – 7 IP, 1 ER.  As I said a week or two ago in the Buy/Sell, Pineiro’s a must own at this point.  I know, up the down staircase, Sandy Duncan, but as my fifth grade teacher would say, don’t wonder why, just do or die.

Ian Snell – Lights out in Triple-A, but has said he doesn’t want to return to the Pirates.  If other Pirates hear they have the option of Triple-A, they might have a mutiny.

Ian Kinsler – Sticking with the newly-established Ian theme, 2 HRs yesterday for Kinsler.  Ron Washington says he’s going to give Kinsler more time off in the 2nd half to keep him fresh.  Too bad Ron Washington’s not the manager of my local Indian restaurant.  The Chicken Tikka Masala’s been off recently.  I think the chef needs a rest.

Roy Halladay – 9 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Sawx.  After the game, the Yanks reportedly offered their entire farm system for Halladay’s services.  The Mets inquired to see if he can play 1st base and bat third.

Yunel Escobar – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs with his ninth homer yesterday.  If he didn’t have a corner man’s speed (3 steals on the year), he’d actually be intriguing.

Angel Pagan/Luis Castillo/Daniel Murphy – The Mets 1-2-3 hitters.  The Comatose Mets Fan just OD’d on painkillers.

Fernando Nieve – Left yesterday’s game with a leg injury.  Jon Niese should take his place in the rotation.  Score one for the guy that stitches the last names on the jersey.

Brandon Webb may miss the rest of the season.  Nothing good comes from drafting a top pitcher.  Nothing, I tell you.  I own Peavy in two leagues, so I’m right there with youse.  Remind next year to revert back to not drafting starters in the first five rounds.  Actually, next year you probably will be able to get Webb and Peavy after the fifth round.  Hmm, that’s a pickle.  Guess we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.  Webb was diagnosed with an “Ain’t Getting Better” problem.  Captain Obvious says, “When a guy misses three months, then goes for an MRI, it’s not a good sign.”  I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s shutdown for the year.  But you’ve held him this long, what’s another day or two to hear the full prognosis?  BTW, prognosis is doctor-talk for the 411.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Coco Crisp – Out for the season when his shoulder went snap, crackle, pop.

Carlos Beltran – Out on the 15-day DL.  Now, get this, the Mets say the best case scenario is he returns in 15 days.  Crazy, right?  I wonder what the best case scenario would’ve been if he was out on the 14-day DL.  Or 16-day DL.

Joel Pineiro – Two hit the Mets with one strikeout.  In other the news, Willie Randolph laughs.

Joey Votto – Returned to the lineup after being out for almost a month on the Dizzabled List.  I still think he can surpass Berkman’s numbers this season.  (Doesn’t hurt that Berkman’s having a season for the old ages.)  I’d buy into Votto picking up right where he left off.

Grady Sizemore – 2-for-5 in his return.  I’m not crazy about Grady going forward.  Elbow’s a tricky thing and Sizemore doesn’t seem to have a volume down button on his hustle.

Brandon Inge – Hit his 17th homer yesterday.  Matt Wieters hit his 2nd.

Magglio Ordonez – Liquid Paper, be damned.  Leyland returned Ordonez to the lineup in the 7th hole.  Mags repaid him with an 0-for-2 night, then Raburn eventually replaced him and hit a walkoff homer.  Now Raburn needs to play 2,130 consecutive games then Gary Cooper Jr. Jr. can play him in The Pride of the Tigers.

Kosuke Fukudome – Batted seventh yesterday.  Okay, he’s crizzap.  No argument here.  But he does have a .390 OBP.

Jake Fox – DNP as Hoffpauir DH’d.  The day before Fox hit third.  Piniella’s following the Leyland School of Filling Out a Lineup Card.  One day, they don’t play.  The next day, they hit third.  Following day, sit out again.  You figure it out.

Ryan Zimmerman – 2-for-3, batting .297 on the season.  Wasn’t he just batting .415 and carrying Nats Nation on his shoulders?

David Huff – 8 IP, 0 ER.  Now he has a story to tell his grandkids when they ask about his career highlight.

Ian Snell – 2 2/3, 4 ER.  Member when this guy was good?  Think it was the autumn of ‘06.  A burial cave dating back to the 1st century BC was discovered, the Crocodile Hunter met his match with a stingray and Snell won a game.  Good times!

Jhonny Peralta – HR yesterday.  Someone wasn’t happy Khalil was taking all the weirdly placed H love.

Jason Frasor – Got the save.  Frasor and the ‘do split, and it’s now safe to drop everyone else from the Jays pen.

David Price – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER and nine baserunners.  From the comments Razzball received yesterday, I’d say Price’s owners aren’t too happy with him.  I’d look at buying him on the cheap.  They’re zigging?  Zag, friend, zag!

John Mayberry – HR yesterday.  All he does is hit home runs!  No, really, that’s all he does.

B.J. Upton – 2-for-5. .430 in the last week.  .330 in June.  If he hits 3 homers a month for the next three months and continues to steal near his current pace, he’ll go 15/50.

Matt Lindstrom – Mollywopped for three runs in 2/3 of an inning.  Leo Nunez left before that with a sprained ankle.  Those with sprained patience could grab Dan Meyer as he’d be next in line in Joe Robbie/Pro Player/Dolphins/Brought to you by Blockbuster Stadium.  Though I think Lindstrom has a few more closetastrophes in him before we get to Meyer.

Andrew Miller -7 IP, 1 ER.  Nice start, I’m still not buying.

Koji Uehara – 6 IP, 1 ER.  I like him, but would love to see him get out of the sixth inning in one of these games.

Francisco Liriano – 5 IP, 3 ER.  Even when the start’s good, he chucks in five walks.

Casey McGehee – 2-for-5.  No one else is going to hit for the Brewers?  Everyone’s favorite novel, “Picking Up Slack,” by McGehee.

Billy Butler – 2 homers in the last four games.  That’s one homer for each moob.

Miguel Tejada – 3-for-4, Tay-HA-duh’s still hitting an empty .337.  Say-Blah-duh.

Tommy Hanson – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER.  Sure, you’re annoyed you benched him, but five walks through just over five and nine baserunners isn’t a great start.  Benching him was the right move.

Jorge Posada – Donned the golden sombrero and is now hitting .230 in June.

Hiroki Kuroda – 8 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 Ks.  All those starters people DL in hopes of them returning with value and Kuroda will probably exceed them all.  Sure, he gets smacked oops upside his head sometimes, but he’s also lights out plenty of other times.  Grey hearts Kuroda.  Actually, Grey hearts 95% of NL West pitchers not named Jonathan Sanchez.  Fingers, why are you talking about me in third person?  My bad.

Felipe Lopez – 3-for-5 and has hit in 18 of 20 games this month.  But… Wait for it… Here it comes… Is batting .262 in June.  Hey, one-for-fours, say hello to your mother for me.

Max Scherzer – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 Ks.  Six innings and guess how many pitches.  119.  I feel an idea coming on for the All-Star game festivities that involves Scherzer and Kershaw facing off with no bullpens allowed.

Troy Tulowitzki – Two homers as Razzball’s favorite son is back.  Now to get going Razzball’s favorite uncle, Nick Markakis.

Chad Gaudin – 11 Ks.  Wait, huh?  Eleven strikeouts.  Ah, yes, that’s the stuff.

Scott Hairston – Returned from the DL and slid right back into the number three hole.  Worth owning in 12 team leagues and could make a decent sub while Beltran’s out.  That’s not to say he could make a decent hoagie.  Different things.

Sammy Sosa – Claims are surfacing that he altered his jersey to make his arms look bigger.  It was only after team officials convinced him that he shouldn’t leave on the rubber tie-offs that he put on his arms pre-injection.  “But they make me look like The Ultimate Warrior!”

Matt Wieters was finally called up by the Orioles.  We know what you’re all thinking – how could they give up on Gregg Zaun so quickly?  Don’t the Orioles brass have the intestinal fortitude to withstand the hype surrounding this ‘phenom’ when they’ve got the ultimate journeyman?  Evidently not.  So how has Wieters been spending his near two months in AAA detention?  He’s been awesome…ly average.  .285 average.  5 HRs.  30 Ks in 137 ABs.  There’s little doubt that Wieters will be an excellent hitter for years to come (see his .350+ average b/w A and AA last year) but those AAA numbers are more likely what you’ll get from him in 2009.  Think .285 with 12 HRs.  He could prove us wrong and you can do worse than bet on hitting upside at Catcher.  Just don’t overpay for it.  Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jason Bartlett – Another day, another injury to a Rays middle infielder.  Yesterday, it was Iwamura.  Now Bartlett goes on the DL with a sprained ankle that he hurt while practicing his dismount from the statistical stratosphere (.373 AVG!).  Reid Brignac, who has been hyped for a while, will replace him.

Jose Reyes - Has there ever been a top 5 pick whose owners were relieved when they went on the DL?  Enter Reyes.  What’s the use of Reyes if he has a bum leg (strained calf)?  Let him get healthy so he can steal some damn bases.

Fernando Martinez – Was called up yesterday.  Fernando Martinez is going to be a great one and he should be pursued in keeper leagues.  But let’s turn over the post to frequent commenter, Mr. Baseball, for a second.  He listed these names:  Travis Snider, Cameron Maybin, Dexter Fowler, Matt LaPorta, Elvis Andrus and Matt Gamel.  His point is fairly obvious.  Rookie nookie starts out like a frollicking gazelle and ends like a dead gazelle.  Martinez will hit one homer, slap some fans’ hands, and get sent down when the Church of Concussed Heads returns.  He’s a decent flier, because you never know what he may do for a week or two, but don’t drop anyone too worthwhile.

David Wright – Has three homers, but stole his 11th base yesterday.  Sympathy gains for Reyes?

Carlos Quentin – Now saying he’ll hopefully be back next Monday.  Awesome!  Maybe next week he can get in one at-bat and then miss another two weeks.  Could someone conference call Quentin with Chipper to explain the merits of the DL?

Max Scherzer – 7 IP.  Second straight 10 K game.  Just as encouraging, he’s thrown only 2 BBs in those games.  Owners enjoy the ride and keep your fingers crossed he stays healthy.

Melky Cabrera – Left the game with a sore shoulder after crashing into the outfield wall.  In a home game, Melky’s jersey would’ve caught the jetstream and he’d be somewhere in the South Bronx right now.

Coco Crisp – Left game with a sore shoulder too.  First you have Melky, now you have cereal.  Melky… Cereal, baby.  Melky… Cereal, baby.  What, you don’t listen to LL?

Brett Gardner – In place of Melky, 3 steals.  He ain’t taking no jive from no Western Union messenger!

Ryan Braun – Took a pitch from Adam Wainwright off his wrist.  Looks like he’ll be day-to-day.  Wainwright laughs manically and says, “You can call me, Painwrist.”  The Brewers tried to retaliate on Albert Pujols and he lined a double with his bicep.

Hanley Ramirez – Came out of the game with a tweaked groin.  Hanley was feeling a little less *pinkie to mouth* manly.

David Ortiz – Dropped to 6th in the order.  Solace for Ortiz owners who have seen the chances of an 0-for-5 decrease slightly.

Joey Votto - Welcome to our brand new game… Is he hitting a home run or is he dizzy?

Roy Oswalt – 6 IP, 4 ER and only has three decisions on the year to bring his record to 1-2.  Member those days when he’d win 20 games every year with crazy Win Karma?  Yeah, someone else might too, trade him to that person.

Edwin Jackson – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER.  I told you to pick him up after his first start of the year.  Cust kayin’.

Mark DeRosa – HR yesterday, 8 on the year.  .260/22 HRs.  What are DeRosa’s final numbers, Alex?

Zach Greinke – 9 IP, 1 ER, 8 Ks.  We get it.  We’ve changed Greinke’d to Pwnson’d in the glossary.

Joe Blanton – 11 Ks?  Let me guess, the Marlins?

Livan Hernandez – Complete game win?  Let me guess, the Nationals?

Brad Lidge – Got his 9th save in a sticky situation.  Lidge is going to be given every opportunity to succeed, which means he may fail.  But he’ll have the chances.

Shane Victorino – 4-for-5, he’s actually been a bit light on the steals this year, but who doesn’t love The Flying Hawaiian?  Not me, friend.

Nolan Reimold – Now has 3 HRs in 46 ABs.  Could be this month’s Travis Snider.

Gary Sheffield – Hit his 5th homer.  I think he’s way too stubborn to play and not play well, but I also think he’s too old and broken down to stay healthy.  Doesn’t hurt to take a flier, just don’t drop anyone too valuable.

Jayson Nix – 2 HRs yesterday.  Whatever, can’t supplant Alexei now, sucka!

Nomar Garciaparra – Out again with a strained something-or-other.  Someone picked him up in one of my ‘pert leagues and I swear to you, I laughed out loud.

Jesus Guzman – Optioned back to beautiful, bustling Fresno.  This came just days after Bochy said he’d start over some schmohawk.  Ah, fantasy baseball… When your loved ones don’t stress you out enough.

Ian Snell – Threw a complete game!  Then again, it was rained out after 5 innings and he gave up 5 runs.

Troy Glaus – May not return this year.  No kidding?

Nick Blackburn – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 Ks.  Usually no Ks, no WHIP, no thank you.

Mark Reynolds – Hit his 13th homer.  Where ya at, Chris Davis?  At 12, after yesterday’s 2 homer game.  And at 61 and 67 Ks, respectively.  This race is way too close to call.

Chad Qualls – Sat in favor of Juan Gutierrez in a clear save situation after giving up runs in 3 of his last 4 outings.  We’re not reading into it, but in a way we are.  Read into that!

Andrew Bailey – Got the save about three weeks (estimate) after he was called the closer.   I’d own him, but it would sure be nice to see him again before the summer solstice. (No idea when this is, but it makes me sound smart when I say it.  Though not as smart when I point out I don’t know when it is.)

Bobby Jenks – Out with the flu as Linebrink got the save.  Can’t Matt Thornton blow his snot rockets at Bartolo Colon?

Bobby Abreu – Hit his 1st HR of the year.  Guess he shouldn’t have participated in that Winter League Home Run Derby.