Fantasy Baseball Advice

As you probably know, we just went over the top 10 for 2012 fantasy baseball and today we give you… Hint:  it’s in the title of the post.  Oh, forget it.  Here’s our top 20 for 2012 fantasy baseball.  And by our top 20 for 2012 fantasy baseball, I mean mine, but ‘our’ sounds more official.  Like when your girlfriend catches you cheating on her and she says let’s make our breakup official and then kicks you in the balls.  The second round is the hardest to peg.  That’s just the facts of life, Blair.  There’s no way around it.  I have a theory why this is, maybe it’s fodder for its own post, but here goes the short version.  In the first round, it’s no-brainers.  In the second round, you have to complement the first guy and you want a sure thing because it’s still way too early to reach.  Also, there’s just more question marks.  Next we’ll go over the top 20 catchers for 2012 fantasy baseball then top 20 1st basemen and so on and so forth as we do onto our 2012 fantasy baseball rankings as you would want them done onto you. In the top 10, I battled with maybe one or two spots, but this top 20 that I gave birth to was a true labor of love that required a C-section as I battled with myself on just about every spot. I’m pleased with what I settled on, but I could see an argument made to reshuffle some of these players. As always, tiers are mentioned and my 2012 fantasy baseball projections. Anyway, here’s the top 20 for 2012 fantasy baseball:

11. Adrian Gonzalez – This tier started in the top 10 for 2012 fantasy baseball.  This tier ends at Ellsbury.  I call this tier, “Less exciting than the next tier, but more consistent.”  Who could’ve predicted Gonzalez would move from Petco to Fenway and have his worst power year since 2006?  Rhetorical!  For some reason (I’m sure someone knows), his ground balls went through the roof (not literally, unless there’s ants reading this).  A ground ball rate of 46.7 is not terrific.  It’s around Bourjos, Austin Jackson and Drew Stubbs’s type ground ball rate.  His BABIP was off the charts lucky, so, with all those ground balls, he was inches away from having a hideous season.  I don’t want to overrate any of this.  He’s still in a great park, solid lineup and the middle of his prime.  Even if he hits only 30 homers (which he should), he’s going to have great counting stats and a decent enough average.  If I had to choose one 1st rounder that might have a disastrous season out of nowhere, I’d choose A-Gon, but that’s a gut call.  We’re not drafting based on my gut, especially not after I just ate Thai.  2012 Projections:  100/32/115/.275

12. Robinson Cano – I really want to despise every Yankee player like everyone else outside of New York, northern New Jersey and the retirement homes of Florida, but Cano makes it hard to dislike him.  I guess, when people call him Robbie Cano, you can picture an 80′s movie bully in an Izod shirt and want to do something to him that would elicit a slow clap.  “Robbie Cano, you are not going to tell me where I can sit in the outdoor cafeteria!”  That’s you standing up to Robbie Cano at lunch.  Didn’t you always wish you had an outside cafeteria like in Can’t Buy Me Love?  Maybe it was just me.  Players don’t come much more consistent than Cano.  Pencil him in for .315, 27 homers and 100 runs and RBIs, then erase the .315 and make it .310.  Aren’t you glad you didn’t use pen?  2012 Projections:  105/27/105/.310/5

13. Jacoby Ellsbury – I surprised myself when I landed on this ranking for Ellsbury.  Like I snuck of behind myself and screamed “Boo” then added snuck into the dictionary so when I looked it up it was there and surprised myself again.  Steals can be found later in drafts.  SAGNOF!  But they can’t be found so readily with 20 homers and a .300 average.  No, not 30 homers.  That was an anomaly of an aberration on the ain’t-happening-again tip.  A moment in time that can only be described as the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel touching Ellsbury’s bat.  Or maybe you can describe it differently.  Your call.  I see a few people ranking Ellsbury even higher than this, but I wouldn’t cry if I miss out on him.  Again, SAGNOF!  How did I finally conclude he should be ranked here?  I rank Reyes a couple of slots below him and Ellsbury will hit more homers.  Sure, Reyes has shortstop eligibility, but high-production outfielders aren’t exactly growing on trees, unless that was the point of The Tree of Life.  I have no idea.  2012 Projections:  110/17/70/.295/45

14. Ian Kinsler – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until CarGo.  I call this tier, “These guys could win the MVP or frustrate the shizz out of you.”  Everyone in the first and second round seems like guarantees right now.  If it were only that easy.  There will be disappointments.  I have a feeling a disappointment or two might come out of this tier because of injuries, but, as of right now, that’s just a guessing game.  Anyway, Kinsler’s BABIP last year was low, his K-rate improved, great home park, lineup protection, power is repeatable, the same for his speed… So where’s the downside?  The Rangers are a walking MASH unit and Kinsler is Hawkeye.  Last year he had 723 PAs.  That’s more PAs than James Cameron used on his last film.  There’s not a chance Kinsler sees that many PAs again.  That was a lot for even a healthy player.  Kinsler loses five homers and steals if he only gets one little bruise or bump.  Ron Washington, “Did someone say bump?”  2012 Projections:  100/25/70/.260/25

15. Jose Reyes – I almost ranked Dustin Pedroia here.  Then I thought about how Pedroia doesn’t feel like a guy that is gonna be on a championship fantasy team.  I’m sure some of youse have won with Pedroia, but his stats feel more like a guy whose numbers you luck into off waivers that end up propelling you to a championship.  I’m just a hater drinking Haterade that’s loaded with Vitamin D to enrich and fortify my haterness.  As for Reyes, he does feel like a guy that will win you a league.  Reyes gets on his up-jump-the-boogie and he carries you for a month or two at a time.  Reyes can get gully.  Can Pedroia?  I guess, but I want someone who can do something miraculous.  Like steal 50+ bases.  Also, I went over my Jose Reyes 2012 fantasy when he first signed with the Marlins.  I wrote it while teaching my neighbor how to Dougie.  2012 Projections:  110/12/50/.295/45

16. Hanley Ramirez – Manny showed how insouciance (Word of the Day!) goes from cute to tiresome as a player ages.  Hanley’s not that old yet.  Even if we’re to assume he’s a Latin 28, he still has a few years left in his tank.  Maybe the Marlins can hire Dolvett from The Biggest Loser to get Hanley to care.  “How am I supposed to give one hundred percent in the workouts when all I want to do is take a nap because of the tryptophan from the Jennie-O turkey?”  That would be me on The Biggest Loser.  If Hanley is motivated, he wins the MVP with him and his new right hand man, Jose Reyes, doing a highly-choreographed, five minute handshake every couple of innings.  2012 Projections:  90/20/105/.305/25

17. Carlos Gonzalez – Another guy that could win the MVP or be a bigger bust than Billy Butler’s (guess that’s why I titled this tier what I did).  The risk is again the health.  There’s one positive that can be taken away from CarGo’s 2011.  His walk and K-rate both improved.  His plate discipline didn’t exactly become Gandhi-like, but any improvement is a step in the right direction.  It wouldn’t shock me to see CarGo and Tulo carry the Rockies to a walk in the NL West.  Also wouldn’t shock me to see them both out by May.  There lies the rub, which would be a good name for a massage parlor.  2012 Projections:  100/25/100/.300/18

18. Andrew McCutchen – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Pedroia.  I call this tier, “Two guys I’m trying to draft everywhere and two guys I probably won’t draft.”  McCutchen can make a run at the 1st round for 2013 if he can fulfill expectations.  Would be the first time we see a Pirate in the first round of a fantasy draft since when?  Barry Bonds when he still wore a size 7 ball cap?  Eh, we’ll save that Pirate reach around for next year.  The Dread Pirate will post the same numbers as CarGo minus some average and is capable of numbers that approach Ellsbury’s 2011.  I can’t express to you how much I like The Dread Pirate this year other than telling you my failings at being able to express my Dread Pirate love.  He’s entering his prime with 30+ steal speed and 20+ homer power.  Now you likey too; thank you.  2012 Projections:  95/25/100/.275/30

19. Mike Stanton – I strongly considered putting Stanton in the Kinsler tier.  Speaking of strongly, I looked at that word for a few minutes (okay, maybe a half hour) and I thought about how strong Stanton is.  Then that took me to the site that measures homers expecting to find Stanton at the top of a list.  I wasn’t disappointed.  No one hit more “No Doubt” homers in the NL than Stanton and he was only 2nd in the majors to Jose Bautista.  Since the high left field wall will be no more in the new Miami ballpark, it could mean even more laser shots for Stanton.  Also, “down the right field line” is coming in ten feet in the new stadium so the opposite field shots that were already easy, just got easier.  I don’t giddy for many players (I’m hard, yo!), but Stanton’s a beast and I’m his beauty.  Or some other mixed up metaphor.  2012 Projections:  100/37/115/.260/7

20. Roy Halladay – I’m very hesitant to draft a pitcher in the 2nd round.  In fact, I really can’t imagine it happens.  I have Kinsler, McCutchen, Stanton, Fielder, etc. etc. etc. so much higher than most people that I’m gonna be drafting one of them instead of Halladay.  I only get one pick every 10 or so in a snake draft.  In auction leagues, I try not to go over $29, so I’m not getting a whole lot of these players anyway.  (I’ll go over snake and auction draft strategy in due time.)  If there was one pitcher I’d take in the 2nd round?  Roy G. Biv Devoe, now you know.  Yo, slick, blow.  2012 Projections:  20-7/2.50/1.05/215

21. Dustin Pedroia – He’s consistent.  Has spunk.  Needs to wear a cone so he doesn’t chew his foot.  He feels a lot more to me like an early 3rd rounder than a late 2nd rounder.  Last year he needed 731 plate appearances to get a 21/26 season.  If he hits 18 homers, we’re not even having a discussion about whether he’s a 2nd rounder or a 3rd rounder.  He’s an 18/20 player.  Can that be more?  Sure, he just had a season where he gave more.  The thing that has me feeling janky is it can also be less.  If it’s only a tad less, he’s not even a 3rd rounder.  I hate that we need his ceiling to justify his ranking, so I’m hoping someone else takes him.  Actually, I’m almost positive someone else will.  2012 Projections:  105/18/80/.295/20

After the top 20 for 2012 fantasy baseball, there’s lots of players, but these two stand out as guys to NOT draft:

Mark Teixeira – Te(i)x has stopped hitting for an average.  It doesn’t look like it’s coming back any time soon.  His average last year .248 looks like the bottom, but I really thought his 2010 average of .256 was the bottom, so I guess anything’s possible.  In 2012, I think this is the last time we see Te(i)x anywhere near the top 20.  Will he totally collapse as he pulls a 2011 Youuuuuk?  Probably not.  The one thing that I think will stave off the ugly is the power is still there in a much bigger way than it ever was with Youuuuuk.  Also, his park/lineup won’t let him be totally awful, then again Youuuuk’s park and lineup weren’t bad.  I don’t want Te(i)x for one big reason.  How much different is he than Konerko?  Some more runs for Te(i)x, some more average for Konerko, rest is pretty similar.  Things that make you go hmm…. 2012 Projections:  100/35/110/.260

Curtis Granderson – He’s the greatest outfielder known to man.  Even some women think he’s wonderful.  What I don’t understand is why was it that I liked him in the preseason last year and still only ranked him 88th overall?  On average, people drafted him 92nd overall last year.  Because he had a career year he’s suddenly a top twenty player?  He’s gonna be 31 years old and could hit .240.  His home runs were off the charts last year.  His counting stats were cray cray.  Rollins’s 139 runs in 2007 were the last time anyone came close to Grandy’s 136 runs from last year.  Wanna put money on it that he doesn’t score over 110 runs?  For those who think it’s a slam dunk in that lineup and ballpark, he only scored 76 runs in 2010.  He only had 67 RBIs in 2010.  A guy who can hit .240 could go through month-long dry spells where he gets dropped in the order.  If you draft Grandy in the 2nd round, you’re like a lamb led to the slaughter.  Grandy’s mother, brother, grandmother hate me in that order.  2012 Projections: 100/29/90/.255/18

We already went over the top 20 catchers and the top 20 1st basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball.  Today, it’s all about the top 20 2nd basemen.  The 2nd basemen pool was shallow, and, for the first time in as long as I can remember, the 2nd basemen, shortstops and 3rd basemen were more or less of equal depth.  For instance, Darwin Barney was ranked 20th for 2nd basemen and 19th for shortstops, and Daniel Murphy was ranked 15th for 2nd basemen and 16th for 3rd basemen.  To recap, this final ranking for last year is from ESPN Player Rater with my comments.  The Player Rater allows me to be impartial while looking at how I ranked them in the preseason.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 2nd basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:

1. Dustin Pedroia – It didn’t hurt Pedroia that the Sawx were in the hunt for a playoff spot until the very end of September.  Lot better than guys who are coasting through the last two weeks.  Pedroia actually didn’t exceed expectations by as much as his stats would seem.  What he did was get more PAs than were on the last Michael Bay film.  When a player exceeds 700 plate appearances, he’s bound to put up some good stats, unless his name is Nick Markakis.  Preseason Rank #4, 2011 Projections:  105/15/65/.290/15, Final Numbers:  102/21/91/.307/26

2. Robinson Cano – The curious case of Robinson Cano.  In the preseason, I said he was overrated, yet I gave him projections pretty close to where he ended up.  So was I right and he was overrated?  I’m gonna say no.  He wasn’t quite the 1st round pick that some people were making him, but considering how terrible most high picks did and how shallow 2nd base is, Cano provided stability and stats.  Preseason Rank #1, 2011 Projections:  100/27/100/.310/3, Final Numbers:  104/28/118/.302/8

3. Ian Kinsler – In the preseason, I ranked Kinsler above where most ‘perts had him.  I wanted to believe he could stay healthy one of these years.  Bingo bango!  Preseason Rank #2, 2011 Projections:  85/22/60/.270/17, Final Numbers:  121/32/77/.255/30

4. Michael Young – Went over him in the top 20 1st basemen for 2011 post.

5. Brandon Phillips – He seems like he’s always planking on a 18/14 season give or take a few homers and steals.  His average was high for him this year.  That was partly due to his line drive rate being up, partly due to his luck.  Maybe The Ghost of a Racist Marge Schott was trying to make amends by helping some of his seeing-eye hits get through.  Preseason Rank #3, 2011 Projections:  85/20/70/.270/17, Final Numbers:  94/18/82/.300/14

6. Ben Zobrist – He had three big months (April, July and September) and three terrible months.  Like off the charts bad (June:  zero homers and 2 steals; August:  1 homer, .250; May:  2 homers, 0 steals, .232 and only 5 RBIs in 99 ABs; that’s e to the gregious).  I never feel confident enough to draft Zobrist because he still seems like an overachieving utility man to me, but as Zobrist would say, “Don’t call me a utility man and don’t call Creed Christian rock.”  Preseason Rank #8, 2011 Projections:  70/15/70/.260/15, Final Numbers:  99/20/91/.269/19

7. Howie Kendrick – Went over him in the top 20 1st basemen for 2011 post.

8. Michael Cuddyer – Went over him in the top 20 1st basemen for 2011 post.

9. Ryan Roberts – First time in a long time that I can remember the first out of nowhere name being this low on a year end list of 2nd basemen.  Usually someone will sneak into the top 5 for a shallow position.  Last year, Kelly Johnson and Casey McGehee exceeded expectations.  The year before Zobrist and Aaron Hill emerged.  I’m not sure what this means, but I think it means something.  Razzball:  Where We Raise Questions We Can’t Answer!  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  86/19/65/.249/18

10. Dan Uggla – When I explained in the preseason why I had Uggla a bit lower than some other ‘perts, here’s what I said, “The reason why he’s ranked below some of the guys above but his projections look as good if not better is because A) Kinsler has the biggest upside.  B) Phillips and Pedroia are safer.  C) Uggla has the biggest downside in one category, i.e. he could hit .240.”  And that’s me quoting me!  In the end, he didn’t quite get to .240.  Yup.  Preseason Rank #5, 2011 Projections:  90/32/100/.265/5, Final Numbers:  88/36/82/.233/1

11. Neil Walker – Couple of things come to mind when I see how close my preseason projections were to the final numbers for Neil Walker.  A) I ranked him lower than he ended up, which means 2nd base was even shallower than I thought it would be.  B) His numbers were terrible and he still ranked this high, which is more just a continuation of the first point.  C) There’s no C.  Preseason Rank #15, 2011 Projections:  65/15/75/.260/7, Final Numbers:  76/12/83/.273/9

12. Rickie Weeks – In the preseason, I called Rickie Weeks overrated because of his injury risk.  As I said then and will say again, it was the easiest call of the preseason.  Preseason Rank #6, 2011 Projections:  85/18/65/.250/14, Final Numbers:  77/20/49/.269/9

13. Danny Espinosa – I pushed Espinosa pretty hard in the preseason because, as always, I ignore average and get all pumped up on power and speed.  He succeeded and failed where I thought he would.  Preseason Rank #21, 2011 Projections:  60/15/70/.245/17, Final Numbers:  72/21/66/.236/17

14. Jemile Weeks – Will probably be overdrafted next year.  I say this because he hasn’t shown any power, he plays in a terrible park with a terrible team and his walk rate (in the majors, at least) was pretty bleh.  With all that said (here comes opposite talk!), he had a great season for a midseason call-up.  He gave you what you were hoping to get from Chone Figgins (Member him?  No, I don’t either.).  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  50/2/36/.303/22

15. Daniel Murphy – How kiddie pool shallow were the 2nd basemen?  Murphy ranked this high and he played his last game on August 7th.  Three ladies and gentlemen, your 2011 2nd basemen!  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  49/6/49/.320/5

16. Kelly Johnson – He seems to alternate years with a hard-to-digest average.  (In 2009, it was .224.)  This coincides with a poor BABIP.  This year’s BABIP wasn’t as bad as 2009, but his K-rate was terrible, which helped attribute to the poor average.  He should be able to bounce back next year, but that’s far from a lock.  Preseason Rank #13, 2011 Projections:  80/17/.260/60/12, Final Numbers:  75/21/58/.222/16

17. Aaron Hill – Fitting that Hill and Johnson would be tied together in the year-end rankings, since they were swapped mid-year and had very similar seasons in the general sense.  In the specific, their seasons were totally different.  Hill looked to be an average issue hitter that could at least give you power.  Not this year.  His power completely evaporated.  Oddly enough, he doubled his line drive rate from 2010 and lowered his K-rate.  In short (which I only say after going long), Hill’s season made no sense.  Seriously, I can’t make heads or tails of it.  Yes, even in hindsight it’s not 20/20.  It will take some brass ones to go all in on Hill again next year, but I’m leaning that way right now.  Preseason Rank #7, 2011 Projections:  80/25/85/.275/5, Final Numbers:  61/8/61/.246/21

18. Martin Prado – During the preseason, I ranked him extremely low at 17th overall for 2nd basemen.  This was such blasphemy, Matthew Berry called me out during one of his chats to say I was stoopid (sic).  Turned out I didn’t rank him low enough, with rank being the key word.  Preseason Rank #17, 2011 Projections:  85/12/60/.300/5, Final Numbers:  66/13/57/.260/4

19. Chase Utley – Sadly, the Utley we fell in love with in 2005 is no longer with us.  This new version is brittle like his pomade after it dries.  On a side note, with the loss of Howard for most if not all of 2012 and Utley’s deteriorating health, the Phils got weak fast.  Preseason Rank #4, 2011 Projections:  50/14/55/.280/5, Final Numbers:  54/11/44/.259/14

20. Darwin Barney – I didn’t rank him in the preseason and he shouldn’t even be ranked now.  The Purple Evolutionist’s final numbers show a guy that was helpful for a couple weeks here and there, but if you owned him all year, you lost your league.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  66/2/43/.276/9

Jered Weaver will not make his final start of the year because he doesn’t care about your H2H team.  Weaver ends the season with a line of 18-8/2.41/1.01/198.  If you throw out three bad starts, his ERA would’ve been 1.72 in 220 innings, but if if’s and but’s were candy and nuts no one would ever leave the bathroom.  Verlander’s gonna win the Cy Young, shizz is foregone.  Put it in an envelope and hand it to your mail carrier so he can steam it open and check it for cash.  Either way, let’s look at what Weaver did this year.  Mullet over, if you will.  Weaver was better last year.  Blunt is as blunt does right there.  His K-rate, xFIP and hair were all better.  His K-rate this year was right in line with past rates, if you exclude 2010.  For now, last year looks like the outlier for Ks.  Also, batters made contact with his pitches inside the strike zone at a higher rate than last year and hitters weren’t as fooled by pitches outside the strike zone.  In the end, he’s not going to be terrible in 2012; it’s just a repeat of 2011 seems unlikely, unless Superman circles the earth a few hundred times.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ryan Zimmerman – Sitting out the last two games with a sore hamstring.  What’s this, the last few days of senior year and he’s already going to his safety school?  Play the games!

Alex Gonzalez – Left the game after aggravating his calf.  That’s the last time he says he likes his hamstring better.

Jose Reyes – 3-for-6 as he hit two homers yesterday.  That hit the spot in one of my leagues.  It was like the Kool-Aid man crashing through your wall and yelling “Oh, yeah!” then spackling the hole over because no one wants a giant hole in their wall.

Chris Capuano – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Ended the season with a 4.55 ERA.  Crapuano was pretttay, pretttay mediocre.

Jeanmar Gomez – 4 2/3 IP, 8 ER.  Watching this game yesterday I felt like everyone screaming at Rocky to throw in the towel to save Apollo’s life.  Jesus effin’ Montero, they had to let Gomez give up eight earned with no lifeline?  Throw him a freakin’ bone and pull him from the G-d damn game!  Fantasy baseball:  When real life stress isn’t enough.

Asdrubal Cabrera – Done for the year.  Back date this to last Thursday when I thought he was done for the year.

Prince Fielder – 3-for-3, 5 RBIs and 3 homers.  Then the soon-to-be free agent, Prince, changed his name to a symbol — $.

Howie Kendrick – Left the game with a sprained wrist.  He’s day-to–Oh, yeah, today’s the last day.  Didn’t the season just start?  I’m sad.

Matt Joyce – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer.  Member when he was the meow’s cat early in the season?  Oh, those were the days.  It was warm out!  You had more hair!  Okay, now for another friendly reminder — grab everyone on the Braves, Cardinals, Rays and Red Sox.  If there’s a one game playoff, you want to be the one with these guys, not the schmohawk you’re trying to beat.

Matt Holliday – Pulled from the game because of his injured middle finger.  Some of his owners might have a healthy middle finger for him.

Allen Craig – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and a homer as he replaced Holliday.  Yeah, I’d even grab Craig for that potential one day playoff game.

Tyler Flowers – Hit two homers in the last two games.  It’s too late for this year, but please, White Sox, do the right thing and give him a chance to play.  I’m begging here.

Adam Dunn – 0-for-3 with 3 Ks, bringing his average to .159.  Elias Sports Bureau said there’s never been a player that hit less than half his weight until Adam Dunn.  Actually, they didn’t say that, but something that was heard around the Elias Sports Bureau compound, “Terry, in Human Resources, broke the previous record of seventeen with how many times someone’s blamed a fart on a ceiling fan.”

Justin Upton – After being hit in the head by a pitch on Sunday, he returned to the lineup yesterday and was hit in the face by a fly ball.  In the playoffs, Upton will wear a glove on his head.

Jarrod Parker – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K.  Okay, start the hype machine for next year.

Mike Morse – For his 30th homer on Monday, Livan bought him a bottle of Cristal.  Yesterday, Morse hit his 31st homer.  For that, Livan gave him a lap dance.

Mike Napoli – Two homers yesterday vs. his old club, and specifically his old manager who never played him.  That revenge had to feel sweet for Napoli.  Remember, never get involved in a land war in Asia and never go against Napoli when pride is on the line.  He takes 28 homers, and even more remarkably, a .317 average into the final game of the season.

Ian Kinsler – 3-for-5 with a slam & legs to finally get him to 30/30.  This quest for 30/30 reminded me of an actor doing a movie for a paycheck.  30/30 is Kinsler’s Little Fockers.

Josh Willingham – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and a home run.  That gives him 29 homers and 98 RBIs on the year.  This blew Rudy’s mind yesterday on IM.  “You see Willingham’s almost at 30/100?”  “Yeah, I saw.” “I have nothing else to say about that.”  “Neither do I.”

Ryan Lavarnway – With Salty and Varitek banged up, Lavarnway got the start and hit two homers yesterday.  Similarly to Tyler Flowers, I’d love to see Lavarnway get a starting job next year.  Do it for all of Ryan’s fans.  You know, the Lavarnwayians.  Who are not related to Damon, Marlon, Kim, Keenan, Elvira, Michael, Kyla, Bella, Shawn, Damien (have I mentioned Damien yet?), Daphne, Jolie, Bella, Nadia, Shawn Howell, Chaunté and Craig.

Marco Scutaro – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs, home run, hitting near .400 in September.  What-what?!  Actually the what-what was what I just mentioned.

Chris Parmelee – 2-for-4 with a homer and in the same game Tosoni hit a grand slam.  Parmelee and Tosoni?  Sounds like rejected cast members of The Jersey Shore.

Delmon Young – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer.  I feel like every year drafting Delmon is like falling for the ol’ banana-in-the-tailpipe.

Anthony Bass – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Sweet… if I didn’t start Jeanmar and Blake Beavan.

Javier Vazquez – 9 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  He only pitched this well to end the season because I dropped him in all of my leagues three months ago.  Oh, and I blame Steve Bartman too.

Emilio Bonifacio – 2-for-3 with his 40th steal.  I’m in the process of writing up top 20 recaps that will be on the site next week.  You wanna know one guy that really surprised me?  Steve Lombardozzi.  No, Random Italicized Voice, not Steve Lombardozzi.  Emilio Bonifacio.  Didn’t realize what a great year he ended up having.  I mean, I should.  I only wrote 1500 words a day about fantasy baseball for the last 6 months.  Imagine I wrote all of that in a spiral notebook.  You’d have me committed.  It’s all about the medium!

Jimmy Rollins – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs, 2 runs and a slam & legs.  Now has 16 homers and 30 steals.  You know, you could’ve done worse at shortstop.  Hanley comes to mind.  He would’ve been worse.  On a side note, I wonder if the Phils don’t want the Braves in the playoffs or they’re just doing the honorable thing by playing their regulars.  I’m guessing it’s the latter.

Joe Blanton – Will start the season finale for the Phillies, which will set up their rotation perfectly for Blanton to return to pitch Game 6 of the NLDS.

Alex Gordon and Jeff Francoeur were shut down for the year because the peasant Royals want to give Lorenzo Cain and Jarrod Dyson a full three days to show their worth.  Gordon’s line this year was 101/23/87/.303/17.  Terrific!  Wonderful!  Tonderific!  But if you peak under the hood, things aren’t as they seem.  His BABIP is .358, easily a career high in the majors.  His walk rate and line drive rate dropped from last year, and his ground ball rate nudged up.  His homers and speed look about right, but if luck goes against him those two categories could get affected.  He’s probably much closer to a .280 hitter with 17-20 homers and 12-15 steals.  With just a tad bad luck, he becomes a fifteen homer guy with 10 steals and a .265 average.  That’s far from spectacular.  That’s spectaculess.  I just made that up; you like it?  You use it.  As for Frenchy, his line was 77/20/87/.285/22.  Oh, well, that looks pretty normal– Wait a second, 22 steals?!  Where the eff in the effhole did those come from?  His previous high was 8.  He always failed to take pitches like he needed some ADHD medicine, but now he’s running the bases like it too.  “Sorry, first base coach, whatever your name is, can’t stay at 1st, gotta run, peace!”  That’s Frenchy, and he can’t even stop for a period at the end of sentences; he only has time for commas.  He’s always been a notorious bad ball hitter.  This year Frenchy swung at 41% of balls outside the strike zone, which is actually high for him, and his percentage of balls swung at inside the strike zone was actually down.  Only thing that changed this year, he made more contact with pitches outside of the strike zone.  If that stops along with his whacked out of his mind stealing, he may use 2012 to revert to his old ways, so it’ll be hard to give Frenchy my arrondissement.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before we get into the roundup, I just wanted to announce a very good friend of mine is putting on a one man show in Los Angeles.  If you go see the play, you may just run into yours truly and my significant other — my mustache.  If you can’t make it to Los Angeles or if you’re in Los Angeles but afraid to leave your house, you can buy his book.  Anyway II, the roundup:

Hunter Pence – 3-for-5 with his 21st homer.  Hey, that homer can drink legally!  After Pence sat out for three games with a sore knee, it was good to see him return, unless you had him on your bench like I did.  Sonavabench!

Jacoby Ellsbury – Hit his 29th, 30th and 31st home runs yesterday.  For the Sox’s sake, it’s too bad he can’t pitch.

Francisco Liriano – 1/3 IP, 5 ER in middle relief.  How’d he go from one of the best arms in the game to mop up duty?  When Dr. James Andrews tells people 9 out of 10 pitchers agree with the good doctor, I think I know which one doesn’t agree.  “I feel like Bruno Mars’s forehead, big and empty!”  That’s Liriano talking through a translator.

Wilson Ramos – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in his last three starts.  I specify his last three starts, because the Nats have been sitting him every other game.  It’s really important to get at-bats for Pudge, whose nickname wasn’t always ironic, and Jesus Flores?  Rhetorical!

Stephen Strasburg – Nats announced he would have an innings limit next year.  The GM said that innings limit has been semi-calculated.  The equation he used was pretty straightforward:  A Reinjured Strasburg = No Job.

Wade Davis – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Nice end to what’s been a pretty terrible season.  His K-rate was atrocious and it wasn’t like he was getting unlucky with his 4.45 ERA.  Usually the third year a starter is in the majors is when their breakthrough comes, which next year will be for Davis, but I don’t have high hopes here.

Jason Bay – Didn’t play Sunday and was pulled from Saturday’s game because of illness.  Illness sounds like it should be managing the Mets.

Nolan Reimold – 2-for-4 with his fourth homer in the last ten games; also he’s hitting .300 over the last week.  He’s either hitting really well recently, or it’s an illusion to get people to draft him again next year.

Robert Andino – 1-for-2 with a steal.  After 136 games, he has 13 steals with 4 coming in the last week.  I don’t get that.  Did he just suddenly realize he’s fast?  Was he auditing a summer class from the University of Phoenix on base stealing and he just passed?  If you have speed, then run.

Brian Matusz – 5 IP, 6 ER.  On the year, he gave up 59 earned runs in… Guess how many innings.  Wait for it… Here it comes… Wait, where did I put it?… How did it end up in my glove compartment?  Anyway, in 49 2/3 innings.  That gives him the worst single-season ERA in MLB history (10.69).  On the bright side, for the record he beat Halladay’s 10.64 ERA of 2000.  Then again, Halladay was throwing with his left hand that season.

Grady Sizemore – Shut down for the year.  Backdate that to the moment his flash went off in front of a mirror.  Use any definition of the word flash you’d like.

Asdrubal Cabrera – Left Saturday’s game with an elbow contusion and didn’t play Sunday.  On a side note, I think Asdrubal should follow Ichiro’s lead and have just Asdrubal on his jersey.  Imagine parents taking their kids to a game and covering their eyes when they see Asdrubal.

Shelley Duncan – 2-for-3 with his 7th homer in September.  I feel sorry for all those that had to high-five him during his torrid month.  He’s always so intense.  Here’s him at a post-game press conference.

Felix Hernandez – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 13 baserunners, 2 Ks and was pulled from the game after being hit by a comebacker.  Over the winter, I want a 500 word essay from him about what he did this summer that made me no longer love him.

Miguel Cabrera – Hit a homer in his third straight game, then left due to lightheadedness.  After the game, he said he prefers Amstel Light-headedness.

Matt Holliday – 2-for-7 over the weekend as he returned.  La Russa, wearing a jacket made from veggie burgers, said as long as Holliday’s healthy, he’s going to be out there.  Now it’s a judgment call whether you should play him.  I wouldn’t necessarily go back to him if I had options that were hitting.

Jose Bautista – After crashing into a wall, he stayed in the game for five innings only to then leave with a knee injury.  I think he should be fine.  My mom was right, I could’ve been a doctor.  “But, mom, there’s a whole lot more zeroes in blogging.  Though that’s not zeroes as in money.”

Brett Cecil -  3 1/3 IP, 4 ER and ends the year with a 4.73 ERA and 1.33 WHIP.  Somehow, I’ll find a way to make him seem attractive yet again next year; you just wait and see!

Carlos Gonzalez – As reported here first on Friday after inferring shizz from other sources, CarGo is done for the year.  As I said in the preseason, “He’s a bumps-and-bruises, miss-a-few-days-here-and-there type guy.  Those day-to-day things can turn into more.”  And that’s me quoting me!

Kevin Kouzmanoff – 3-for-6, 5 RBIs and 2 homers.   Don’t mess with The ‘Noff.

Josh Willingham – 1-for-4 with his 28th homer.  I’d put $5 on The Other White Meat getting to 30 homers, if I were a betting man.  Okay, if I were a betting man on things I actually know and not just random rolls of a die.

Torii Hunter – 1-for-3 with a steal yesterday, and a homer on Friday and Saturday.  Not the same homer, that would be weird.

Vernon Wells – Slam & legs yesterday and 4 homers in the last 8 games.  You looking at his 25 homers and 9 steals on the year, “Hey, Vernon Wells had a good year?  Who knew?”  You looking at his average, “He hit .220?  Crimey a river, Justin Timberlake.”

Adrian Beltre – 3-for-4 with his 30th homer and 101st RBI while hitting .293.  I don’t get it, is he gonna try to renegotiate his contract?

Ian Kinsler – 3-for-4, 3 runs and a homer and two steals.  Totally just padding his stats to get to 30/30 and I love it.  This is why all players should have to own themselves in an H2H league with 50% of their contract in their fantasy league pot.  I wonder if the union will go for it.

Emilio Bonifacio – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games, and he’s 7 for his last 13.  Can you tell I don’t want the season to end?  This is like the longest roundup ever.  Bonifacio is hot, moving on…

Ricky Nolasco – 2 IP, 6 ER.  Ends the season with a 4.67 ERA.  Somehow, he’ll be hyped again next year by everyone but me.  “Hey, ESPN analcyst here, and I want you to look at Nolasco’s strikeout to walk ratio.  He’s awesome!”

Clayton Kershaw – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks and his 21st win to go along with his 2.28 ERA, 0.98 WHIP and 248 Ks.  Even with an injured knee, that had Ethier dancing.

Justin Upton – Left the game after being hit in the head by a Lincecum fastball.  Tests are showing no signs of a concussion.  Too bad.  I was hoping he’d return as Jason Bourne and bring down Justin Morneau for trying to kill my fantasy teams.

Every day that Justin Verlander starts, you know there’s a chance of a no-hitter.  You just expect it to be thrown by him and not another pitcher.  Guillermo Moscoso took a no-hitter into the 8th inning against the Royals and finished with 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks in 8 2/3 IP.  He now has 8 wins in 18 starts which is as many wins as Brett Anderson, Dallas Braden, and Rich Harden managed this year combined.  Everything about Moscoso’s year screams fluke.  His 3.63 ERA / 1.14 WHIP does not gel with 5 K/9 and 3 BB/9.  But as an owner of this guy in my AL-only league, all I can say is this guy has been money against bad to average teams.  He’s had 4 ugly starts – @BOS, @TAM, @DET, and home against TAM.  His home WHIP is now under 1.00 in over 60 innings.  His road WHIP is 1.44.  There’s not much time left this season but if he has a start against a bad-to-average team at home – I’d go-go for Moscoso.

In other news…

Jerome Williams – The Angels’ starter has won all 3 of his Angel starts with this past one by far the best – 8 IP with just one hit (a Trayvon Robinson HR) and a walk.  Nothing to see here.  Just a 30 year old journeyman who’s perhaps half a notch more tolerable than Tyler Chatwood.

Chase Utley - Pulled out of the game after being hit in the helmet.  The Phillies brass are concerned he might have a mild concussion but Charlie Manuel is confident it’s just a standard variety ‘noggin burner’ and he just needs to rub some ‘piss ‘n’ vinegar’ on it.

Matt Cain – 7 IP, 2 ER, loss.  Same old song.  He’s now 11-10 despite a 1.06 WHIP.  He’s a career 68-73 despite a career 1.19 WHIP.  He should retaliate against the offense – I suggest he takes a dump in the pine tar.  Just don’t lose your balance or you’ll end up with sticky buns and tempt Pablo Sandoval.

Aaron Harang – Beat the Giants with a 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunner, 3 K start.  He’s now 13-5 for a team that’ s 19 games under .500 (62-81).  He’s like Steve Carlton for the 1972 Phillies except he’s not lefty, not an above average pitcher (3.74 ERA/1.39 WHIP), and has never allegedly said that the world is ruled by 12 Jewish bankers meeting in Switzerland.

Ian Kinsler – 2 HRs to up his season total to 28 and tie for the team lead (with Nelson Cruz).  If it weren’t for the .245 AVG, he’d be in the conversation with Cano and Pedroia for most valuable fantasy 2B (.245/101/28/71/23).  Or as an incompetent announcer would phrase it, “You talk about second baseman who can hit…Ian Kinsler…”

Justin Verlander - Snagged win #22 but gave up 4 ERs thanks to 2 HR / 4 RBI by his kryptonite – Shelley Duncan.  Clearly Verlander can only effectively pitch to batters shorter than him and he’s just lucky that there aren’t a lot of 6’5″+ hitters.  The Yankee and Red Sox scouts should be out recruiting locked-out NBA players for playoff rosters.  If there’s one lesson to be learned from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, it’s that if the other guy is going to go tall, you’ve got to do the same.  If there is a second lesson to be learned from MMPR, it is that if you’re producing a show that has kid actors, it is best to hide their faces behind masks so you can swap in other actors when the original ones get too old or expensive.  Saved By The Bell would still be on if it was set in Milwaukee and each of the kids wore a different sausage costume.  (Kelly Kapowski – Polish sausage.  Slater – Chorizo.  Zach – Bratwurst.  No one qualified for Italian Sausage until the summer season with Stacey Carosi.)

Victor Martinez - Hit a 7th inning grand slam.  His .325 AVG and 89 RBIs are great for a catcher but that was only his 10th HR of the year.  And he’ll have only DH-eligibility next year.  V-Mart is going to be discounted like he’s Wal-Mart.  (Correction: As noted in the comments, V-Mart has 26 games at Catcher this year so should retain C-eligibility next year.)

Daniel Bard - The Sawx’ rumored closer in waiting ruined Tim Wakefield’s billionth chance of being one of the 13 worst pitchers with 200 career wins by posting a 5-spot thanks to a single, HBP, 3 BBs, and the next pitcher giving up a run-clearing double.  That said, aside from having only 2 wins, Bard has been everything a Mr. B could’ve hoped for (2.76 ERA, 0.86 WHIP, 66 Ks, 1 pity save).

Jacoby Ellsbury - 4 for 5 with a HR (#25), 3 RBIs, and 2 Runs.  5 more HRs away from 30-30.  And only 2 HRs and 44 SBs away from joining Rickey Henderson and Eric Davis in the illustrious 27-80 club.  (Oddly enough, both done in 1986 – Davis in 415 ABs!).

Manny Acosta – Got the save for the Mets as Parnell and Izzy threw 30+ pitches the night before and no one else in the bullpen had 299 saves.

Carlos Lee - Hit his 15th HR of the year – and his 3rd in the past 8 games.  Maybe El Caballo doesn’t need to be taken to the glue factory just yet.

Andrew McCutchen – The Dread Pirate HR’d twice against the Astros.  He’s now at 81/22/85 but only 20 SBs and .269.  Jeff Francoeur has 20 SBs.  Braun has more than 20 SBs.  Can’t the Pirates hire Omar Moreno to be his Davey Lopes?

Chris Carpenter - Shut out the Brewers on 4 hits, 2 BB, and 5 Ks.  He also allegedly yelled an expletive at Nyjer Morgan.  Maybe he just mispronounced his name.

Rafael Furcal – Another HR – his 4th in the last 8 games.  He had 4 in his first 63 games.  Even with the sudden power burst, wow do his stats look bad this year.  .215 AVG?  5 SBs?  When did Rafael Furcal turn into Rafael Belliard?

Roy Oswalt – The 2nd best Roy in Philly is looking close to his old magical self again with a 7 IP, 7 K, 2 ER effort vs. Atlanta.  I’m having a premonition – Oswalt pitches well through the regular season + 1st round of the playoffs, makes some bad throws in the championship series, says he’s going to retire to spend more time with his family and tractor in Mississippi, and then end up playing again in 2012, 2013, and 2014.  It’s just the Mississippi way.

Jemile Weeks – 4 for 5, now batting .303 with 22 doubles, 21 SBs, and 0 HRs.  Growing up, Jemile was always the fast one, Rickie was the strong one, and Nynind’haph was the seductive one.

Brett Pill - 2 games, 2 HRs, for the Giant rookie 1B who mashed in AAA the past two years while the Giants skipped over him to promote rookie tease sensation Brandon Belt.  Proof once again that when grabbing for the Belt, it’s better to be safe and take the Pill first.