Fantasy Baseball Advice

With the top 40 outfielders, we’ve finished all the recaps for hitters.  (Here’s all the final 2009 fantasy baseball rankings.  They’re also to your left… your other left.  And down.)  Pitching recap will begin next.  (NOTE:  The end of the season rankings are based on ESPN’s Player Rater.  I felt the easiest way to keep it objective would to go this course.  This way when I say someone finished 30th and I ranked them 23rd in the preseason it carries more weight.  Does this mean I think ESPN’s Player Rater is perfect?  No.  It’s just an objective third party to see how well my preseason rankings did.)  Anyway, here’s the top 40 outfielders for 2009 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:

21. Carlos Lee – How did he only get 65 Runs?  He played in a 160 games.  He batted .300.  He hit 26 homers.  He hit 4th the entire year.  Oh, wait, I know.  Geoff Blum hit 5th for the Astros in 171 at-bats.  Preseason Rank #3, 2009 Projections:  100/33/110/.300/7, Final Numbers:  65/26/102/.300/5

22. Andre Ethier – Maybe it’s because of the pitcher’s park or the pitcher’s division, but I never fully get behind Dodgers hitters.  Lukewarm on Russell Martin, Loney, Hudson, Furcal, Blake, Ethier and Manny.  Kemp I’m crazy for, but I think you have to be crazy to not be crazy for him.  Preseason Rank #46, 2009 Projections:  80/17/75/.290/5, Final Numbers:  92/31/106/.272/6

23. Michael Cuddyer – Went over him in the top 20 1st basemen.  Final Numbers:  93/32/94/.276/6

24. Nick Markakis - Here we see the problem with relying on 25 homer power.  In an off year, they hit 18 homers and you wanna strangle someone.  Markakis had two months where he hit one homer (June and September) and one month of 2 homers (April).  His speed continues to decline.  He now has back-to-back seasons of 5 homers vs. lefties.  Markakis isn’t done in my eyes (he’s only going to be 26 in 2010), but I really would like to see 30 homers before going caca-cuckoo for him.  Preseason Rank #3, 2009 Projections:  95/25/100/.310/10, Final Numbers:  94/18/101/.293/6

25. Nelson Cruz – His season was actually much better than this ranking and that will be reflected in January when I go over 2010 rankings.  I say it’s much better because Runs and RBIs are a symptom of the guys around him.  The homers and steals can’t be taught, and he has them.  He could easily be a top 15 outfielder with better Runs and RBIs.  Preseason Rank #49, 2009 Projections:  75/25/90/.270/10, Final Numbers:  75/33/76/.260/20

26. Rajai Davis – After the All-Star Break, he stole 30 bases and hit .325.  DNA samples taken in the 2nd half of the season showed there was a 99.8% chance that Rajai was Carl Crawford.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  65/3/48/.305/41

27. Jason Kubel – In February, I alluded to how he was better value than Jermaine Dye.  And that’s me alluding to me!  Preseason Rank #61, 2009 Projections:  80/20/80/.280, Final Numbers:  73/28/103/.300/1

28. Raul Ibanez – My call on him being a 2nd half hitter looked about as good as Lady Gaga’s clothing choices.  Preseason Rank #28, 2009 Projections:  85/25/110/.290/3, Final Numbers:  93/34/93/.272/4

29. Scott Podsednik – Sometime in May, Ozzie called him into his office.  This is what transpired.  “I want vintage Podsednik!”  “I don’t know if I have it in me, Skip.”  “Skip?!  What is that?  Punta talk?  Now go uncork a 2004 Podsednik!”  And he did.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  75/7/48/.304/30

30. Adam Dunn – Went over him in the top 20 1st basemen.  Preseason Rank #23, 2009 Projections:  80/40/85/.245/5, Final Numbers:  81/38/105/.267

31. Hunter Pence – The same thing that hampered Carlos Lee also got Pence.  It’s called the lack of an Astros offense.  With a little help in Runs and RBIs, Pence would’ve been ranked much higher.  Preseason Rank #35, 2009 Projections:  85/28/95/.275/10, Final Numbers:  76/25/72/.282/14

32. Curtis Granderson - There was a whole lot of math done recently on Granderson’s year.  Long story short, he should’ve hit in the .270s rather than the .240s.  As is my wont, I usually ignore average anyway when a guy brings something else to the table.  Grandy brings 30/20.  That’s a whole lotta something else.  I feel like I may be owning Grandy next year on a few teams.  Preseason Rank #19, 2009 Projections:  115/22/75/.275/17, Final Numbers:  91/30/71/.249/20

33. Franklin Gutierrez – Back in February, I said, “I’m a fan of The Big FraGu.  Decent shot at being a cheap source of 15/15.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Preseason Rank #63, 2009 Projections:  70/12/75/.260/16, Final Numbers:  85/18/70/.283/16

34. B.J. Upton – You know what would be nice?  Beej living up to(n) his potential.    Upton’s in the same category as Grandy.  Come February, I’ll be ignoring his bad average.  Preseason Rank #9, 2009 Projections:  95/20/80/.280/35, Final Numbers:  79/11/55/.241/42

35. Marlon Byrd – I suggested in the preseason that you grab Byrd and David Murphy and platoon them.  Turns out you would’ve done fine just owning them both and playing them.  Preseason Rank #68, 2009 Projections:  100/20/100/.285/10, Final Numbers:  66/20/89/.283/8

36. Nate McLouth – McLousy turned in an old school Mike Cameron season.  20/20 — yay!  .256 — eh.  Preseason Rank #18, 2009 Projections:  95/22/90/.270/22, Final Numbers:  86/20/70/.256/19

37. Andrew McCutchen – The Dread Pirate didn’t get his first at-bat of the season until June.  Go ahead, reread that sentence.  Now smize!  (The Tyra Banks definition, not the other one.)  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  74/12/54/.286/22

38. Brad Hawpe – Hawpe’s 2nd half was about as good as my ability to read Sumerian.  Apparently, the guy with the arrow on the ancient tablet means Hawpe shouldn’t be facing lefties.  Preseason Rank #34, 2009 Projections:  70/30/95/.280, Final Numbers:  82/23/86/.285/1

39. Juan Rivera – There should be a glossary term for these Juan Rivera types.  These players are available off of waivers in just about every 12 team league.  They don’t wow you with their numbers.  They don’t hurt your team.  They’re just there in your 5th outfielder slot.  Jason Kubel would be another one.  Each year, one steps up and does more than what is asked of them.  In 2008, it was Xavier Nady, this year it was Michael Cuddyer.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  72/25/88/.287

40. Chris Coghlan – Went over him in the top 20 3rd basemen post, Final Numbers:  84/9/47/.321/8

David Wright was released from the hospital yesterday after tests showed that he was okay from Saturday’s beaning.  When he first went down, the Mets had some serious concerns when Wright couldn’t answer straightforward questions like, “Who’s our starting shortstop?” “Who plays 1st?”  “Who’s the shirtless guy hiding in Jerry Manual’s locker?”  Wright might be out for the season.  Probably be the best thing that could happen to his fantasy owners.  The wait for his power to return can finally end.  Though I wouldn’t drop him in one year leagues until it’s official he’s not returning, unless room on your DL is spare.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Nick Johnson – Left with a hamstring injury.  He seemed to be in good spirits after the game, smiling in locker room pictures.

Nate McLouth – McLousy’s out for a few days after aggravating his hamstring injury and his fantasy owners.

Luke Scott – HR yesterday.  He credits the homer to finally feeling better from the flu.  I guess he had the dreaded 1,700 Hour Flu.

Nick Markakis – Sparkakis!  He now has 14 homers on the year.  He needs ten more to get in my good graces.  Chucking in seven steals along the way wouldn’t hurt either.  Yes, it’s a pipe dream, but it’s my pipe dream.

Erick Aybar – 3-for-6, 2 Runs, 3 RBIs and 2 steals.  Since the All-Star Break, there’s been few MI schmohawks to fill a line like EA – get in the game!

Mike Napoli – The Angels scored 17 runs, Napoli went 1-for-6 with 1 RBI.  Ticker Tease!

Torii Hunter – Returned to the lineup and went 2-for-6 with 2 RBIs, while batting sixth.  Might take him a few days to a week before he’s moved back up the order.  Then again, we’re talking about Scioscia.

Chone Figgins – 4-for-7, 3 Runs, 3 RBIs and a steal.  Who is this Angels offense?  The 1985 Cardinals?

Carlos Gonzalez – 2 HRs yesterday.  How about you give me your password and I’ll pick him up?

Chris Coghlan – 5-for-10 in the doubleheader with a HR yesterday.  Yesterday was a good day for Friday’s Buy guys.

Aaron Cook – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER. About a week ago, turf toe sidelined him.  This start makes me think he’s not completely over it.  I wouldn’t start him anywhere until we see a decent game.  Then again, most of you probably don’t start him anywhere anyway.

Roy Oswalt – 6 IP, 5 ER.  Speaking of pitchers who just don’t seem right.

Hunter Pence – Homers now in back-to-back games.  Love to see him explode in the final month-plus like a Spinal Tap drummer.

Julio Borbon – 4 steals on Saturday, 2-for-3 on Sunday.  He’ll be leading off for the next week vs. righties until Cruz returns.  If you need steals, grab him now.  There’s no time for this Borbon to age.  Oofa!

Junichi Tazawa – 5 IP, 4 ER.  I told you my trepidation on Tazawa in Friday’s Buy/Sell.  And that’s me alluding to me!

Grady Sizemore – HR and steal yesterday as he went 2-for-4.  Since the All-Star Break, he has 4 homers and two steals.  I really wish the Indians would just shut him down so I have no reservations about drafting him next year.  (1 Pun Point for Grey.)

Taylor Teagarden/Kelly Shoppach – HR for each yesterday as The Catchers That Had Everyone Caca-Cuckoo In 2008 rise again.

Colby Rasmus – HR yesterday.  In his short time in the majors, Colby has shown himself to be hella streaky.  (Hella’s for the 18-35 males.)  Right now, Colby is hella hot.  If you need OF help, get’m while they’re hot.

Ryan Howard – 2 HRs yesterday.  For one of my teams, I hope he goes on one of his 10 homer month tears.  For a different team where I don’t own him, I hope he tanks.  Only Natalie Imbruglia knows how I feel.

Brad Lidge – When a manager brings a closer in for a one out save, it’s called kid gloves.

Rafael Soriano – Figured out a way to explain his recent gopher ball troubles, he says he’s dealing with shoulder problems.   I still maintain he’s going to lose save opps in the near future.

Clayton Richard – 3 2/3 IP, 3 ER, but 12 baserunners as he tied his owners to the WHIPping post.  But he’s a HodgePadre and shouldn’t have been started in this game anyway.  But II, The Return of But:  He threw so many walks and he gets the same team next time at Petco (Cards) that I probably won’t start him there in most leagues.

Joba Chamberlain – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners vs. the Mariners.  Potatoes to chips, I like the way the Yankees are babying him this year (skipping him and whatnot), but I like it for next year.  For this year, it’s not helping his value when he’s skipped then throws a bucket of fake puke over the movie theater balcony.

Rajai Davis – Stole his third base in four games yesterday.  How is he owned in only 17.5% of ESPN leagues?  I know 75% of ESPN leagues are abandoned, but still.  He should be owned everywhere.

Adrian Gonzalez – 4-for-5, HR yesterday.  I wonder if Adrian calls up other teams pretending to be Kevin Towers and tries to trade himself.

Randy Wolf – 7 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 Ks.  And he hit a homer or as frequent commenter, Steve, said, “Wolfman jack!”

Josh Willingham – HR yesterday, 3 RBIs and offered all of his green M&M’s to sweeten the Nats deal for Strasburg.

Geoff Blum – Hit his ninth homer yesterday.  Here’s something to blow your mind.  Geoff Blum’s power > Vladimir Guerrero’s power.  Want more?  Geoff Blum’s power > David Wright’s power.

Alcides Escobar, SAGNOF!  Do you need more?  Um, he’s good at defense.  Alcides Escobar stole 42 bases in 109 games in Triple-A this year.  I dropped Trent Aussie Dog for Escobar in a league, because I need steals more than a flier on power.  Have I mentioned Alcides Escobar steals bases?  Lots.  Of.  Bases.   You know who gets hurt here?  J.J. Hardy.  But enough about that schmohawk.  This is a celebration of the new Brewers shortstop.  Cuz who Hardy are, is dim in the light of Alcides Escobar…  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Carlos Delgado – Strained his oblique while rehabbing his hip.  Here’s what I do when I get about half way through a bowl of pho.  I wrap my napkin around my chopstick and stick it in the bowl.

Erik Bedard – To have exploratory surgery on his shoulder.  I think the Mariners are hoping to find a few prospects in there.

Jordan Zimmermann – Out for a year or two with Tommy John surgery.  The Lone Nats fan, “But you can’t spell Nationals without two N’s!”

Derek Jeter – Took a non-aptly titled breaking ball off his ankle.  X-Rays were negative.  Which is positive.  Weird!

Randy Ruiz – HR for his 2nd straight game.  When I say Randy Ruiz, you say Randy Ruiz…  Actually, don’t say that, it’s just so… I don’t know, repetitive.  (<–That last line sounds like Alton Brown.)

Howie Kendrick – 2-for-3 as he homered.  Frequent commenter, Simply Fred, correctly pointed out last week that Kendrick isn’t hitting much against righties, then he goes and hits a homer against one, but two of the runs were charged to a lefty, so natch!

Carlos Pena – 2 HRs yesterday, now with 31 on the year.  Over/under on homers for the rest of the season, 13.  Which one are you taking?

Pat Burrell – HR yesterday, has 3 in the last week.  Guess his Hooters VIP card finally came in the mail and he can concentrate on hitting homers again.

Rajai Davis – 2-for-5, with a steal yesterday.  Has a bazillion steals in the last month.  Seriously.  He has 22 steals on the year, but a bazillion in the last month.  Look it up.

Adam LaRoche – 2 HRs yesterday.   Sure, but Andy LaRoche has their mother’s love.

Trent Oeltjen – 0-for-5, Oh, no!  It’s The Curse of the Razzball Roundup!  I still own him in one league, but Oeltjen is nothing more than an outfield flier.  Remember, if you need to cut bait for someone hotter, lose The Outback.

Tim Lincecum – 8 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 Ks.  The uze there, but I wanted to mention the kind of year the Dodgers are having.  They patchwork together Jeff Weaver, James McDonald and Insert Middle Reliever Schmohawk for the game and they almost win.  Some years it just feels like a certain team’s year.  This year really feels like the Dodgers.  I’m not a Dodgers fan, but I’ve never lived in a city of a World Series (was in England during the Yankee dynasty), so it would be cool if it’s in LA.  Hey, it’s sharing time with Grey! Okay, random italicized voice, moving on.

Hunter Pence – 2 HRs and 6 RBIs yesterday.  Some would think this day was a good season.  Jose Reyes, for one.

Lance Berkman – 2-for-3 with 2 doubles.  Welcome back, Guy Who Looks Like the Host of Man vs. Food’s Father.

Bud Norris - 5 IP, 4 ER, 6 Ks.  It’s the usual refrain.  He’s young and risky.  He was broken down in detail here.

Shane Victorino – 2-for-5 with a HR yesterday.  The best sign was actually the triple.  Good to see The Hawaiian still airborne.

Pedro Martinez – 5 IP, 3 ER.  I actually should’ve predicted this line, because it’s so obvious.  Five innings, three runs.  That’s the best you’re getting from Pedro.  It’s actually kinda of amazing the pub this start got.  He looked a’ight, really nothing great.  I’d prefer Kevin Correia.

Francisco Liriano – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 Ks.  I imagine a lot of people were sonavabenched yesterday by Liriano.  I also imagine the next time out you’ll start him and you’ll be cursing his name.

Garrett Jones – 1-for-4 as he teeters on the edge of being dropped.  He has today in Colorado to do something, then it’s off to Carlos Gonzalez (who homered yesterday).

Troy Tulowitzki – 2-for-4, now has a line of 69/22/61/.278/15.  Hanley’s at 71/17/79/.351/22.  Granted, the averages aren’t even close.  But I don’t look at averages (Guess that’s how I ended up with Mark Reynolds on all of my teams).  Now look at the rest of their lines.  They’re that different?  Cust kayin’.

Kevin Youkilis – He got five games to repent (hopefully he doesn’t have to starve himself), so Casey Kotchman and Mike Lowell will both benefit.  Lowell has three homers in the last two games and Casey has one game played.  But if you need cornerman help, there ya go.

John Smoltz – Said he didn’t want to pitch out of the Boston bullpen.  Immediately, Takashi Saito smelled his armpit.

Tommy Hunter – 7 IP, 0 ER.  Hey, you gotta manage your own teams after all, but I wouldn’t pick him up anywhere.

Ricky Nolasco – 3 1/3 IP, 10 ER.  It could’ve been worse.  Between innings he could’ve been having sex with your wife.

Nick Markakis – 3-for-4, 0 RBIs.  I might have to recant my love for Sparkakis.  He has 13 homers and 3 steals.  If Scott Hairston were a piñata and you hit him with a stick, Markakis plus a homer and 7 steals would fall out.

Tommy Hanson was called up by the Braves yesterday.   His numbers:  66 1/3 IP, 90 Ks, 0.86 WHIP, 1.49 ERA in Triple A.  Hello, beautiful, may I interest you in this Sutter Home White Zinfandel?  It’ll go lovely with your 90/17 K/BB ratio.  How about some honey mustard pretzels to go with your 12.2 K/9 ratio?  Ah, yes, those were some great times when you dominated in the Arizona Fall League with a .63 ERA in just over 28 innings.  Chuckle, chuckle… Yes, those were the best prospects in baseball and you held them to 10 hits and 49 Ks.   But can he dominate in the majors?  Much has been made of rookie pitchers at this site.  More often than not, they drop a roofie in your box of wine and do unthinkable things to your Forbidden City.  Hanson seems like he can handle his own in the big leagues, but remember in Double A he was great, but not insane with a 3.03/1.13/114 and a 10.5 K/9 in 98 IP.  If Hanson comes out and dominates on Saturday, his value will go through the roof.  If he stumbles, you might get stuck with Cueto of ‘08.  Rookie pitchers are very risky.  If you need a hitter, Hanson’s trade value might be at its peak.  Now if you need pitching and you can handle the risk, Hanson can provide the reward.  In a keeper, obviously you hold him tight like your Grandma holds her bucket of quarters in Atlantic City.  Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Nate McLouth – Traded to the Braves.  This doesn’t do much for his value.  Cox can’t even sit lefties against lefties anymore because the Braves lineup is basically all lefties.  McLouth’s a 25/25 guy with a so-so average.   However, this opens the door for… Wait for it… It’s coming… Okay, here it is…

Andrew McCutchen – The Pirates fleet-footed centerfielder (no, he doesn’t have ships for feet).  I picked him up in one 15 team league.  He was just dissected last week in our Scouting the Unknown.  Best case scenario is .280/25 steals with maybe 5 homers.  He’s Dexter Fowler, ya’ll!  I’d pick him up in 12 team leagues unless you’re bloated with steals, but, really, who ever has too many steals?  Remember though, if you pick him up, you might have to watch Pirates highlights.

Gordon Beckham – The 2008 1st round draft pick of the White Sox has been promoted, presumably to man 3rd base (bye bye Betemit) and maybe see time at 2nd or short.  He doesn’t have much of a minor league record to go on, but the 200 or so minor-league ABs show solid AVG and 15-20 HR pop.  Upside for this year is Tulo’s rookie year.  Downside for this year is Tulo since his rookie year.  So dust off that waiver claim in mixed leagues, if you’ve got a mediocre MI.  Between Clayton Richard and Gordon Beckham, White Sox GM Ken Williams has seen a lot more success in the draft after focusing on prospects that sound ultra-British.  How’d he miss out on Collin Balester?

Ian Stewart – 2-for-4 with a 3 run HR yesterday.  That’s his first time in weeks that he made contact twice in a game let alone safely put them in play.  He’s barely usable in 12-team leagues now with his selling points as follows:  1) He has 2B/3B eligibility and is 1 game away from OF,  2) He has serious power.  Even with his Razztastic .188 AVG, he has 8 HRs and 23 RBIs, 3) He does walk a good amount (near .300 OBP), and 4) He enjoys a good slap and tickle as much as Clayton Richard and Gordon Beckham.

Jose Reyes – Now won’t return on Friday as he aggravated his calf and fantasy owners.  Is it me or is there more injuries this year than any year in the history of the world?  WTF?  Seriously.  Can we get our shizz together and stay healthy?  Ta!

Joey Votto – Reds have gone on record saying Votto is dealing with some personal issues.  Dusty said, “I once hiccuped and swallowed my toothpick when managing the Cubs.  I didn’t think much of it, but felt a light-headed for a couple weeks.  I started Kerry Wood 5 straight days during one stretch when I meant to give him an off day in between.  Then I sneezed and a toothpick shot out of my ear and poked Mark Prior in the shoulder, which caused it to dislocate.”

Laynce Nix – While younger bro, Jayson (mom & dad likes them unnecessary Y’s) waits for an opportunity in Chicago, the older Nix is getting some love from Dusty over Dickerson & Gomes.  A 2 HR day today was rather Brucian of him, but ignore this Ranger/Brewer retread unless you’ve got some inside dope that the Nix brothers got the same ’strength trainer’ as the Giles brothers used to employ.

Derek Lowe – 7 IP, 2 ER.  Really wish I owned him in a league.  No, he’s not dazzling, but it’s so nice to have a guy that consistently gives up 3 or fewer runs.   So far he’s only had one game where he’s given up more than 4 runs and has a 3.40 ERA on the year.

Ted Lilly – 7 IP, 1 ER.  What I said about Lowe, but with a few more strikeouts.

Scott Feldman – Now 5-0 with a 3.79 ERA.  And he pitches for Texas.  It’s like that Bizarro Seinfeld episode where Feldman is the considerate and productive Kramer.  Why do we have the feeling that we’ll be cursing him out like the real Kramer would once summer comes around in Arlington?

Hunter Pence – 4-for-5, .346 on the year and battling Tejada in the NL batting race.  Speaking of bizarro, when did Pence decide to start drawing walks like Picasso drew guernicas?  He has as many walks as he did his whole rookie year in 2007.  He has only one less walk than strikeout this year.  Last year, he had 40 walks and 124 Ks.  That’s a terrific trend.  Maybe he can talk to Frenchy.

Jeff Niemann – Niemann!  Hey, we got a theme going here.  He threw a complete game, two-hitter with 9 Ks.  Not sure what’s in the water down in Tampa (though it’s probably served at Hooter’s), but it seems like every year they get a great performance from a not-so-great pitcher (Sonnanstine ‘08).  Still, I wouldn’t trust Niemann going forward.

Jhonny Peralta – Hit a 3-run HR tonight which ups his season total to….2.  For a SS whose only value is his power.  Oh well, he’s still doing better than fellow silent-H shortstop, Khalil Greene, who is suffering from a harshed mellow.

Kyle Lohse – Left the game with forearm discomfort.  The Cards trainer said this was a similar injury to what Royce Clayton suffered in ‘98 when he greeted McGwire in the dugout after a homer.  Dave Duncan shrugged his shoulders saying, “Whatever.  I’ll just find another scrub pitcher to turn into a servicable starter.  These reclamation projects are getting too easy.  Someone get me Ankiel.”

Dr. Brian Bannister – The Incredible Hulk of Crap.

Jonathan Broxton – Hit 100 MPH on three straight pitches.  Cust kayin’.

Josh Outman – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER.  He has a near-4.50 FIP.  Caveat, Razzballer.

Adrian Beltre – 3-for-5, HR and 3 RBIs.  He’s hot.  I know you don’t want to believe it but he is; .357 over the last 7 games and 8-for-10 over his last two.

Ben Zobrist – Hit a grand slam for his 10th HR.  Is this one of those body-switch movies between BJ Upton and Ben Zobrist?  Which one’s Fred Savage?

J.A. Happ – 7 IP, 0 ER.  Okay, Happ-shot, now the schedule gets hard.  Wait, he gets the Mets in Metco next.  Hmm… You can’t spell Tummyaches without M-E-T-S.

Kevin Youkilis – Left the game with an ankle injury.  One exuberant fan thought Youk’s ankle was broken and yelled Opa!

The Carpenter/Gallardo duel reminded me of Landon and Brittini taking on Mark and Rachel as they competed to see who could slide the furthest on giant blocks of ice while wearing nothing but speedos.  (BTW, Nice to see Mark battling the ageism of MTV.  Stick it to man!  Wait, he is a man.  Show those rapscallions, gramps!)   Chris Carpenter went 8 IP, 2 hits, 0 ER, 10 Ks, then Yovani Gallardo removed his fey white gloves and went 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 Ks, i.e., the other end of the duel.  Going forward, I’d trade Carpenter away and trade for Gallardo.  You may be right, I may be crazy.  Gallardo can throw 200 Ks and a sub-4 ERA.  While Carpenter will be tremendous if healthy, but that if is supersized.  Now, no one’s saying to trade him for a Circuit City gift card, but I’d see what kind of deals you can broker.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Matt Capps – He fell to the ground in pain like he was just, um, capped as a line drive hit him in the arm.  It looked as if it could lead to a DL stint.  I grabbed John Grabow in every league.  Jesse Chavez might see some chances, but I’m not intoxicated enough to own two Pirate relievers.

Mat Gamel – 0-for-3 with 2 Ks, then Bill Hall hit the game winner.  That’s not how it’s supposed to work out.  The good news was Gamel was playing without the DH.  Though we’ll see how long that lasts.

Phil Hughes – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks.   Hughes remembers where he lost his “Next Big Thing” Award.  It was sitting next to his “Can’t Decide Whether He’s Good Or Not” trophy.

Nelson Cruz – Last six games, 5 homers, 4 steals, batting .294 on the season. I say he gets up to about .309 then it bottoms out to .275, then he cranks it up to .304, then trips up to .280, then… Well, you get the picture.

Gil Meche – Was a mess throwing 73 pitches through two and a third innings.  Somehow only allowing two earned.  I’d run him out there in his next start vs. the White Sox, then we might need to reevaulate.

Wandy Rodriguez – 4 IP, 12 baserunners, 6 unearned runs.  The Lords of Fantasy Baseball granted me my one wish this year and made Wandy’s 1st inning debacle all unearned runs.  Tie my to the WHIPping post and call me grateful.

Aaron Harang – After hours of a rain delay, Dusty sent Harang back out there for one out to get a Win.  Arm injuries be damned!  Leave it to Dusty.

Joey Votto – Seems to only have an ear infection at the inception of the game.  Is he trying out for the Fear Strikes Out remake?  You my friend are no Anthony Perkins.

Hunter Pence – Quietly hitting .358 on the season.  I say quietly because he only has 5 HRs and 5 steals.  Hey, you’ll take it and like it, but I have to think the average will come down — but the power should go up.

Jonathan Papelbon – Got the save but gave up two earned and another homer.   There’s a few options in the Sawx bullpen for Tito to turn to, but I don’t think it’s going to get that far for another week or two of meltdowns.

Joe Mauer – He didn’t start, but he did get another homer.  Without seeing the highlights, I’m going to assume he hit this one from the bench.

Francisco Liriano – 4 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners.  F-Liriano.  No, that’s not a nickname.  That’s my sentiment.

Jorge De La Rosa – 3 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  Hey, only two walks!

Juan Pierre - 2-for-6, 2 Runs, 3 RBIs and .385 on the season.  When Manny returns, Pierre may be traded to a club that needs a full-time outfielder, but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Mr. T – Sung the 7th inning stretch in Wrigley yesterday, but even more comical is the groans he made throughout the half inning he was in the booth.  If I had the techno know-how, I would’ve recorded the audio.  After a double play, Mr. T, “Grrr… Oh, man.  Grrr…. Grrr…”

Chad Gaudin – 5 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  Someone remind never to start him outside of Petco.

Matt Lindstrom – Got the save yesterday while only walking one.   When I’m modifying walk with “only,” he’s still not out of the woods.

Freddy Sanchez – 6-for-6, 4 Runs, 3 RBIs and a steal.  Please… That’s like Joe Mauer through a half inning.

Jeremy Guthrie – 7 IP, 1 ER. There’s the Guthrie I fell in love with it.  I wouldn’t run him out there for his next start vs. the Tigers, but I’ll be monitoring him.  Someone’s gotta, right?

George Sherrill – Recorded his 10th save and his ERA’s down to 2.75.  Making a run for Donkey-corn status.

Brian Roberts – Hurt his shin then stayed in the game to double and triple.  Yeah, that doesn’t sound too serious.

Travis Ishikawa – 4-for-4 with a homer just days after Bochy says Guzman will see more ABs.  Could someone take Bill Hall and Ishikawa to the Pine Barrens?

Kenji Johjima – His little piggy went to the hospital in a splint.  Rob Johnson’s as boring as his name.  Maybe Jeff Clement is finally removed from purgatory.  (Speaking of purgatory, I saw Angels & Demons this weekend.  Grey leaves his computer!  News at 11!  For the trailer… From a terrible book to an awful movie, watch as Tom Hanks, with distractingly dyed hair, runs around in search of pointing statues!  Everyone seems guilty, except the guy who is!  At least there’s no albinos!)

Adam Kennedy/Ichiro Suzuki – These two opposing lead-off hitters both went 4-for-4.  According to Elias Sports Bureau, this was the first time two lead-off hitters in the same game both went 4-for-4.  Actually… They didn’t say that.  But this was heard recently around the offices, “For the third time this week, Bob put his garbage can on his desk and labelled it, ‘In.’”

Francisco Rodriguez – Not sure how in two days he went from “crying over back pain” to the mound with his violent delivery, but there he was again.  Guess he’s *pinkie to mouth* OK-Rod.

Jose Reyes – Still out.  Does Votto and him share a doctor?  Maybe one of them can call K-Rod’s.

Ervin Santana – 1 IP, 7 ER.  Honestly, I don’t think he’ll be this bad going forward, but I did tell you to trade Ervin away two weeks ago.

Vladimir Guerrero – Returned to the lineup and went 0-for-4.  Hey, he had a better game than Ervin.

Alexei Ramirez – Now apologize for hating him for 2 months.  Not to me, to him.

Carlos Quentin – Left the game after running out a double.  His heel could nag him all year.  Can they give someone a cortisone shot in the heel?  Seriously, anyone know? Anyone, besides Joey Votto’s doctor.

David Price – 3 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 BBs, 6 Ks.  Price continued where he left off in Triple-A, which is not good.  He’s walking too many guys and his home run rate is up.  Hopefully, he can figure out his major malfunction.

J.P Izzywheelfourson – Meet Implosion.  Implosion meet J.P. Izzywheelfourson.  For those keeping track, and you all should be, Nelson pitched a perfect 7th and Wheeler didn’t pitch at all.  So Izzy may have been the closer coming in, but Wheeler and Howell move up just by staying out of that meltdown and Nelson moves up by pitching well.  Or… Izzy + Balfour < Nelson + Wheeler + Howell = Ulcer.

Ben Zobrist – 2-for-4.  Yesterday, I said pickup Ben Zobrist.

Carl Crawford – 29 steals, zero times caught.  That’s remarkable.  I didn’t even know he faced the Padres.