Fantasy Baseball Advice

After drudging through an Andy Dufresne-type tunnel for the top 20 catchers for 2011, I find myself with a group that actually really hurt or helped your team depending on how you drafted. If you went wrong with your 1st baseman, it could kill your season.  Hey, Justin Morneau, no hard feelings from me.  We are totally fine.  Please enjoy these cyanide pills I made special for you.  If you went right, you might’ve won your league. To recap, this final ranking is from ESPN Player Rater with my comments. The Player Rater allows me to be impartial while looking at how I ranked them in the preseason. Anyway, here’s the top 20 1st basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball and how they compared to where I originally ranked them:

1. Miguel Cabrera – Member when people were moving away from Swiggy Cabrera in the preseason and I said stop paying attention to preseason nonsense?  You need to turn down the treble and remove the noise.  I’m not sure if people run with these nonsense stories to sell pageviews or they really believe the tripe their slinging.  Either way, it made no difference.  Miguel’s breathalyzer never dips below .320, but his power was a bit down.  But II, The Return of But, he still gave you all that and a bag of breath mints for the long ride home.  Preseason Rank #2, 2011 Projections:  110/37/120/.320/5, Final Numbers:  111/30/105/.344/2

2. Adrian Gonzalez – Sure, I ranked him 5th for all 1st basemen in the preseason, but he was also ranked 10th overall with five first basemen in my preseason top 10.  People said I was crazy to stack my top 10 with 1st basemen and power hitters.  People said you can get 1st basemen later.  Grab Youkilis, people said.  Or Aubrey Huff.  Or Morneau.  Oh, wait, I was one of those people that said to grab Morneau.  Oh, well.  They ain’t all gems.  Hopefully that’s my last comment about Morneau for at least three blurbs.  Okay, one more Morneau comment.  In the preseason, I said, “Morneau’s more valuable than Youuuuuk if he can stay healthy, but put Morneau staying healthy in one hand and a fortune cookie that says, “Morneau never stays healthy” in the other hand and what do you have?  Exactly!”  And that’s me foreseeing crap and not even getting out of the way when Morneau started flinging it!  Preseason Rank #5, 2011 Projections:  100/37/110/.280, Final Numbers:  108/27/117/.338/1

3. Albert Pujols – I’m beginning to think that he could miss five of six months and still get 100/35/100/.300.  On a side note, he should open a bar in West Hollywood named Pujols.  It would give The Manhole a run for its money.  Preseason Rank #1, 2011 Projections:  105/37/115/.315/10, Final Numbers:  105/37/99/.299/9

4. Joey Votto – Another reason to take a first baseman very early in a draft.  How many of them flopped from my first 20 overall picks?  None.  There were shortstops that flopped.  Outfielders that flopped.  No 1st basemen.  Sure, Ryan Howard didn’t hit for a great average, but he still got 110+ RBIs and 30+ homers.  Preseason Rank #3, 2011 Projections:  95/32/110/.310/10, Final Numbers:  101/29/103/.309/8

5. Prince Fielder – Just another huge year on an odd-numbered year.  Making us saberhagenmetricians look smart.  Preseason Rank #4, 2011 Projections:  100/38/115/.280, Final Numbers: 95/38/115/.299/1

6. Michael Young – Another guy that had a ton of noise around him in the preseason.  “Ooh, Grey, your mustache is full and beautiful but don’t you think Young will be hurt by all of this trade talk.”  That’s you.  Me, “Stop listening to all this superfluous stuff.”  Only I didn’t say stuff.  I said shizz.  Preseason Rank #8 for 3rd basemen, 2011 Projections:  85/17/80/.280/5, Final Numbers:  88/11/106/.338/6

7. Lance Berkman – Said in the preseason that maybe Lance Berkman can give you a 2010 Konerko-type year (a big bounce back for a vet), but I really didn’t believe Berkman could do it.  Then for almost two months I continued to tell you he’d stop doing it or get injured while he was actually doing it.  Yeah, Berkman and I had our differences this year.  I don’t believe in Berkman for next year either, if you were wondering how obstinate I can be.  Preseason Rank #17, 2011 Projections:  65/20/75/.270/5, Final Numbers:  90/31/94/.301/2

8. Paul Konerko – For Konerko, I’m sick of predicting the end when the end just keeps running into the here and now.  That is not a line from Air Supply, but could be.  Preseason Rank #15, 2011 Projections:  70/24/85/.265, Final Numbers:  69/31/105/.300/1

9. Michael Morse – First totally out of nowhere name, which means if you decided to punt 1st base early in your draft, you had to get Morse or you were screwed.  BTW, his photo makes him look like the biggest doofus.  And, really, I don’t use the word doofus too much, except when it’s totally applicable like right now.  Looks like he should be saying, “Which way did he go, George; which way did he go?”  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  73/31/95/.303/2

10. Mark Teixeira – The average has really dipped recently (.256 in 2009), which I no longer think is an aberration, but three times in a row is a better pattern.  The rule of three yadda³.  As long as he’s on the Yanks and hitting in The House They Built In The Parking Lot Next To The House That Ruth Built, it’s gonna be hard to fault all the other stats.  Preseason Rank #6, 2011 Projections:  105/35/115/.280, Final Numbers:  90/39/111/.248/4

11. Mike Napoli – Went over Napoli in the top 20 catchers for 2011 fantasy baseball post.

12. Ryan Howard – I don’t buy that he was actually this low in value.  Again, this is somewhere the ESPN Player Rater and I don’t see eye to eye.  They overrate average and steals.  As for everyone who agrees that Ryan Howard wasn’t good this year and I’m crazy, I like to point you to a picture of my long-lost son.  Preseason Rank #7, 2011 Projections:  85/38/100/.265, Final Numbers:  81/33/116/.253/1

13. Eric Hosmer – Not bad for two-thirds of a season.  Not to scream fire in the theater of Razzball, but he kinda looks like the 2nd coming of Votto.  No, I don’t use those words lightly.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  66/19/78/.293/11

14. Howie Kendrick – Kendrick is such a cusp player.  I’ll explain.  If he gets 5 less homers or steals, he loses so much of his value.  It tends to be the case with guys who get a lot of value from average.  See Michael Young as another example.  Preseason Rank #14 for 2nd basemen, 2011 Projections:  65/12/85/.305/15, Final Numbers:  86/18/63/.285/14

15. Billy Butler – His season was decent, about what I’d expect (as you see from my preseason projections), but I’m not exactly altering my copy of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo to a picture book with Butler titled, The Man with the Luscious Cans, because his cans were only saved by a 2nd half that was big like his badonkadonk.  Preseason Rank #13, 2011 Projections:  80/20/90/.310, Final Numbers:  74/19/95/.291/2

16. Michael Cuddyer – His real value came when he gained 2nd base eligibility.  Also, I do these top 20 listings in the order you read them, so I’ve only done the catchers and 1st basemen thus far.  I tell you this because I was just thinking that I bet Cuddyer is the only Twins hitter or pitcher to rank anywhere in these end of the season lists.  What a shizzshow in Minny.  At the end of the year, they should have a Worst Series, where the two worst teams square off in a best of seven.  Like you wouldn’t watch the Astros take on the Twins.  Preseason Rank #51 for outfielders, 2011 Projections:  85/20/80/.275/5, Final Numbers:  70/20/70/.284/11

17. Mark Trumbo – It’s a little weird how much I ignore average.  I looked at Trumbo and Hosmer’s season and really had no idea how Trumbo was below him in ranking.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  65/29/87/.254/9

18. Freddie Freeman – Having a hard time figuring out how his season was worse than Mr. Grapefruit, Billy Butler.  Feel free to share if you figure it out.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  67/21/76/.282/4

19. Carlos Lee – The one nice thing I can say about Carlos Lee is you didn’t expect anything and he didn’t disappoint.  Preseason Rank #18, 2011 Projections:  65/24/75/.260/3, Final Numbers:  66/18/94/.275/4

20. Mark Reynolds – After Bautista, Mini Donkey caused probably the biggest uproar in the preseason due to my ranking.  I ranked him 6th overall for 3rd basemen and he finished the year 8th overall.  Out of all the preseason projections for 3rd basemen (which will be up in a few days), Reynolds ended up coming in closest to where I thought he would.  Terrible average, good power and some light speed.  So far I’ve been more right about Reynolds than any other player through the course of his career.  It’s like I’m wearing Birkenstocks, loose-fitting sweats, doing Downward Facing Donkey pose and looking right through Reynolds’ third chakra.  Or something.  Preseason Rank #6 for 3rd basemen, 2011 Projections:  80/35/95/.235/12, Final Numbers:  84/37/86/.221/6

Jered Weaver will not make his final start of the year because he doesn’t care about your H2H team.  Weaver ends the season with a line of 18-8/2.41/1.01/198.  If you throw out three bad starts, his ERA would’ve been 1.72 in 220 innings, but if if’s and but’s were candy and nuts no one would ever leave the bathroom.  Verlander’s gonna win the Cy Young, shizz is foregone.  Put it in an envelope and hand it to your mail carrier so he can steam it open and check it for cash.  Either way, let’s look at what Weaver did this year.  Mullet over, if you will.  Weaver was better last year.  Blunt is as blunt does right there.  His K-rate, xFIP and hair were all better.  His K-rate this year was right in line with past rates, if you exclude 2010.  For now, last year looks like the outlier for Ks.  Also, batters made contact with his pitches inside the strike zone at a higher rate than last year and hitters weren’t as fooled by pitches outside the strike zone.  In the end, he’s not going to be terrible in 2012; it’s just a repeat of 2011 seems unlikely, unless Superman circles the earth a few hundred times.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ryan Zimmerman – Sitting out the last two games with a sore hamstring.  What’s this, the last few days of senior year and he’s already going to his safety school?  Play the games!

Alex Gonzalez – Left the game after aggravating his calf.  That’s the last time he says he likes his hamstring better.

Jose Reyes – 3-for-6 as he hit two homers yesterday.  That hit the spot in one of my leagues.  It was like the Kool-Aid man crashing through your wall and yelling “Oh, yeah!” then spackling the hole over because no one wants a giant hole in their wall.

Chris Capuano – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Ended the season with a 4.55 ERA.  Crapuano was pretttay, pretttay mediocre.

Jeanmar Gomez – 4 2/3 IP, 8 ER.  Watching this game yesterday I felt like everyone screaming at Rocky to throw in the towel to save Apollo’s life.  Jesus effin’ Montero, they had to let Gomez give up eight earned with no lifeline?  Throw him a freakin’ bone and pull him from the G-d damn game!  Fantasy baseball:  When real life stress isn’t enough.

Asdrubal Cabrera – Done for the year.  Back date this to last Thursday when I thought he was done for the year.

Prince Fielder – 3-for-3, 5 RBIs and 3 homers.  Then the soon-to-be free agent, Prince, changed his name to a symbol — $.

Howie Kendrick – Left the game with a sprained wrist.  He’s day-to–Oh, yeah, today’s the last day.  Didn’t the season just start?  I’m sad.

Matt Joyce – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer.  Member when he was the meow’s cat early in the season?  Oh, those were the days.  It was warm out!  You had more hair!  Okay, now for another friendly reminder — grab everyone on the Braves, Cardinals, Rays and Red Sox.  If there’s a one game playoff, you want to be the one with these guys, not the schmohawk you’re trying to beat.

Matt Holliday – Pulled from the game because of his injured middle finger.  Some of his owners might have a healthy middle finger for him.

Allen Craig – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and a homer as he replaced Holliday.  Yeah, I’d even grab Craig for that potential one day playoff game.

Tyler Flowers – Hit two homers in the last two games.  It’s too late for this year, but please, White Sox, do the right thing and give him a chance to play.  I’m begging here.

Adam Dunn – 0-for-3 with 3 Ks, bringing his average to .159.  Elias Sports Bureau said there’s never been a player that hit less than half his weight until Adam Dunn.  Actually, they didn’t say that, but something that was heard around the Elias Sports Bureau compound, “Terry, in Human Resources, broke the previous record of seventeen with how many times someone’s blamed a fart on a ceiling fan.”

Justin Upton – After being hit in the head by a pitch on Sunday, he returned to the lineup yesterday and was hit in the face by a fly ball.  In the playoffs, Upton will wear a glove on his head.

Jarrod Parker – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K.  Okay, start the hype machine for next year.

Mike Morse – For his 30th homer on Monday, Livan bought him a bottle of Cristal.  Yesterday, Morse hit his 31st homer.  For that, Livan gave him a lap dance.

Mike Napoli – Two homers yesterday vs. his old club, and specifically his old manager who never played him.  That revenge had to feel sweet for Napoli.  Remember, never get involved in a land war in Asia and never go against Napoli when pride is on the line.  He takes 28 homers, and even more remarkably, a .317 average into the final game of the season.

Ian Kinsler – 3-for-5 with a slam & legs to finally get him to 30/30.  This quest for 30/30 reminded me of an actor doing a movie for a paycheck.  30/30 is Kinsler’s Little Fockers.

Josh Willingham – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and a home run.  That gives him 29 homers and 98 RBIs on the year.  This blew Rudy’s mind yesterday on IM.  “You see Willingham’s almost at 30/100?”  “Yeah, I saw.” “I have nothing else to say about that.”  “Neither do I.”

Ryan Lavarnway – With Salty and Varitek banged up, Lavarnway got the start and hit two homers yesterday.  Similarly to Tyler Flowers, I’d love to see Lavarnway get a starting job next year.  Do it for all of Ryan’s fans.  You know, the Lavarnwayians.  Who are not related to Damon, Marlon, Kim, Keenan, Elvira, Michael, Kyla, Bella, Shawn, Damien (have I mentioned Damien yet?), Daphne, Jolie, Bella, Nadia, Shawn Howell, Chaunté and Craig.

Marco Scutaro – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs, home run, hitting near .400 in September.  What-what?!  Actually the what-what was what I just mentioned.

Chris Parmelee – 2-for-4 with a homer and in the same game Tosoni hit a grand slam.  Parmelee and Tosoni?  Sounds like rejected cast members of The Jersey Shore.

Delmon Young – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer.  I feel like every year drafting Delmon is like falling for the ol’ banana-in-the-tailpipe.

Anthony Bass – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Sweet… if I didn’t start Jeanmar and Blake Beavan.

Javier Vazquez – 9 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  He only pitched this well to end the season because I dropped him in all of my leagues three months ago.  Oh, and I blame Steve Bartman too.

Emilio Bonifacio – 2-for-3 with his 40th steal.  I’m in the process of writing up top 20 recaps that will be on the site next week.  You wanna know one guy that really surprised me?  Steve Lombardozzi.  No, Random Italicized Voice, not Steve Lombardozzi.  Emilio Bonifacio.  Didn’t realize what a great year he ended up having.  I mean, I should.  I only wrote 1500 words a day about fantasy baseball for the last 6 months.  Imagine I wrote all of that in a spiral notebook.  You’d have me committed.  It’s all about the medium!

Jimmy Rollins – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs, 2 runs and a slam & legs.  Now has 16 homers and 30 steals.  You know, you could’ve done worse at shortstop.  Hanley comes to mind.  He would’ve been worse.  On a side note, I wonder if the Phils don’t want the Braves in the playoffs or they’re just doing the honorable thing by playing their regulars.  I’m guessing it’s the latter.

Joe Blanton – Will start the season finale for the Phillies, which will set up their rotation perfectly for Blanton to return to pitch Game 6 of the NLDS.

Brandon Belt was recalled yesterday in the wake of Buster Posey’s broken fibula — no lie!  So far this year, Belt was hitting a cool (shouldn’t it be hot?) .351 with 4 homers and 3 steals in thirty games…If you ignore what he did in the major leagues.  Why did he fail in his first go around?  Was it bad luck?  P to the erhaps.  Was it just a small sample size?  That’s what she said!  Was it the pressure of the call up?  Well, filling in for Buster Posey shouldn’t be any pressure.  I think it was a combination of all of these things.  Bad luck triggers the hitter to press while hanging over them is the fear of a demotion.  It’s damaging to the psyche, I tell ya.  Don’t worry, I won’t bill you by the hour for this.  (I’m really just reading off my Freud day-to-day desk calendar anyway.)  In all leagues, grab Belt like Mr. Furley would.  His potential is too great to not take the flyer.  He can still get to double digit power and speed with a solid average.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Buster Posey – As I was writing this Whiskeytown’s Somebody Remembers The Rose came on my iTunes.  Ryan Adams may be a total douchebag, but he sure knows how to soundtrack my life.  Somebody remembers the Posey… What are the dangers of glove… When you hear this Posey news, you don’t have to be a 14-year-old girl to want to text someone sad emoticons and exaggerated punctuation.  Posey’s gone for a while.  In honor of Buster Posey, Ghirardelli chocolate will be releasing a candy bar in his name.  It is similar to a Kit Kat but already comes pre-broken.

Ryan Vogelsong – 8 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I’d say he’s going to be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but he’s here now.  What, you need things told to you twice?  What, you need things told to you twice?  Vogelsong isn’t nearly the pitcher he’s showing right now, but you may as well ride the coaster until the guy in front of you gets sick.

Nolan Reimold – 4-for-4, 4 RBIs, 2 runs, 2 home runs and he even attempted a steal.  Giddy up, snitches!  Could be the 2nd coming of Jesus (my gardener who played semi-professional ball but couldn’t hit a curve).  Or he might be a hot schmotato.  Either way, I’d grab him in all leagues where you’re struggling to find a decent 5th outfielder.

Eric Hosmer – 0-for-6, hitting .257; 3 for his last 23.  Was what I was talking about when he was first called up and everyone was crazy for the rookie nookie and I told you to sell him.  Rooks and valleys, baby.  Rooks and valleys.

Justin Morneau – Was reported that he might need postseason surgery for a neck injury that is bothering him.  Fitting.  He’s been a pain in the neck for me all year.

Homer Bailey – I hope you’re sitting down.  Actually, stand up, then sit down again just to make sure you’re actually sitting down and not hovering in the crouching position.  Okay, ready?  Bailey’s hurt.  Shocking!  He’s going to have exams.  My advice to him is, when in doubt, answer C.

Jay Bruce – 2-for-4, and his 4th homer in the last five games.  Feels oddly quiet on the Bruce front considering this is the breakout everyone has been waiting years for.  Maybe people are scared if they talk about it it (stutterer!) will go away.  He can put up 30+ homers and 15 steals with great counting stats, i.e., a number one outfielder.

Chase Utley – Hit his first home run of the year.  According to the box score, at Citizens Flank there were 45,650 people or 104.6% of capacity.  That means about 2,000 people fell asleep in their seats during the previous 19-inning game.

Jose Contreras – Returned with a perfect inning.  In related news, the Phils clubhouse man restocked the shelves with Efferdent.

Grant Balfour – 1 IP, 3 ER.  His first appearance since being named the A’s closer and his first Kazaam.  Nice.  Freakin’ schmohawk.

Philip Humber – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Ugh.  I just wish all pitchers with terrible K-rates would pitch poorly.  Make my life much easier.  I can’t advise you pick up Humber outside of very deep leagues.

Russell Branyan – Angels signed him.  Of course, the Sciosciapath is going to platoon him with Trumbo. Branyan is such a prospblock.

Howie Kendrick – To the 15-day DL.  I say Halo, you say goodbye.

Carlos Pena – Hit a homer yesterday.  $5 says he hits three more by Monday.

R.A. Dickey – Mets are reporting an injury to Dickey.  Who let Lorena Bobbitt near the clubhouse?  Everyone but three readers just winced.

Frank Francisco – Blue Jays announced they would go to a three person closer committee with Frank², Rauch and Dotel.  Personally, I hate when people start sentences with personally and I think Dotel has the best stuff.

Anibal Sanchez – 9 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  First clue I’m human, when I overheard an old woman tell someone she showers while sitting on a stool, I shivered.  Second clue, I dropped Anibal Sanchez after his 2nd start of the year.

Max Scherzer – 2 IP, 7 ER.  Our favorite German Jew was blitzkrieged by the Red Sox.  I took a lot of heat for telling people to start him yesterday.  Hindsight is obviously 20/20, but he had something like a 2.50 ERA and near a K per inning since last June.  That, guys and three girls, you start everywhere.  Sorry it didn’t work, I’ll wash your car for you.* (*Offer not valid anywhere in the Eastern, Western, Southern or Northern Hemispheres.)

Carl Crawford – 4-for-5, 2 runs and 3 RBIs.  I’m guessing the slumpbuster for Crawford was some townie MTV girl by the name of Charlene.

Drew Sutton – 5 for his last 10 and started in place of an ice cold Lowrie yesterday.  A few years ago, Sutton went 20/20 while in the Astros organization, then struggled for two years.  If he keeps hitting, I’d bench Lowrie too.

Josh Reddick – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 1st steal.  Has some power and light speed.  In Triple-A, he’s failed to get above .266 in any season.  If he were to play every day, which I wouldn’t even say is a guarantee because of Mike Cameron, he could hit 15-20 homers and steal 10 bases with a .250 average.  He’s a solid pick up for AL-Only leagues.  In mixed leagues, you can take the flyer for some lightning in a bottle.  BTW, is it me or does Josh Reddick sound like the star of a porn version of Big where the Zoltar machine makes your wish come true if you stick your schlong in the coin slot?  “Hey, why’s the genie looking the other way?”

Corey Hart with 3 homers, 7 RBIs and a pair of sunglasses.  Never surrender, Corey Hart!  In short, you should grab him if he’s on waivers (80% owned in Yahoo).  In shorter, grab him.  In shortest, grab.  He’s streaky like Bret Boone’s hair in the 90′s and this is obviously the start of a good one.  If he’s not on waivers and someone else owns him, you bid him adieu, assuming you’re French.  (I know how much the French are into fantasy baseball.)  Just as I felt in the beginning of the year, I don’t think Hart comes anywhere near his 2010 stats.  Très bummer!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Stephen Strasburg – Threw off the mound for the first time.  His fan club, the House of Strasburg, has time to launder their early-1900s, Austrian officer uniforms as their ordainment of St. Rasburg will probably have to wait until next year.

Drew Storen – 2/3 IP, 3 ER.  Kazaam!

Howie Kendrick – Sat out for his 4th straight day with moans over his hammy.  Sounds like he’s headed to the DL.  Will update you as soon as I read about it somewhere else.

Mitchell Boggs – Sent to the minors.  La Russa said, “I just cut 15% of Razzball’s Cardinal bullpen questions.  You’re welcome, Grey.  Now adopt a kitten.”

Nelson Cruz – 1-for-4 with a homer yesterday.  He’s baaaaack!  Which, for him, is better than “Oh, no, his baaaaack!”

Josh Hamilton – 2-for-4 with his first homer of the season in his return from the DL.  Not to be the bee in your bonnet (say that fast 117 times!), but the Yin and Yang nature of the Rangers injuries means Kinsler will probably be hurt within a week now.

Alexi Ogando – 9 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Murray Chass called and said, “How’s that for a regression to his xFIP?”

Joe Blanton – Will get a second opinion on his elbow.  Come on, there’s gotta be one Phillie fan out there that is crazy enough to go Dr. Rosenrosen on Blanton and pretend to be his doctor to shut him down for the year.  Here’s your lines, “You’ve got a serious case of tennis elbow.”  “But I don’t play tennis.”  “I don’t blame you with that elbow.”

Chase Utley – 0-for-5 in his return as the Phils scored 10 runs.  Ticker tease!  Or is that ticker season?

Edinson Volquez – Sent to the minors.  My ERA and WHIP sends its regards in the form of an extended middle finger.

Sam LeCure – Supposedly, he’ll take Volquez’s rotation spot when it comes up again on Friday.  LeCure was walking around the clubhouse singing, “I don’t care if Monday’s blue, Tuesday’s gray and Wednesday too…”

Bronson Arroyo – 2 2/3 IP, 9 ER.  Almost as bad as his guitar playing.

Jay Bruce – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs, hitting .282 with 12 homers.  We haven’t had a “Grey is a prescient S.O.B.” in a few, so here ya go.  Two weeks into the season, people wanted to drop Bruce because of his season-starting slump.  Then a giant Gallagher hammer knocked me over the melon and I wrote the Bruce Buy post.  (Oh, and Pedro Alvarez was a sell there, when he still had some modicum of value.)

Adam LaRoche – To the DL with a torn LaBrum.  Take that, capitalization Gods!  “YOU WILL FEEL OUR WRATH.”  Uh-oh.

Tsuyoshi Nishioka – Will begin rehab this week.  Oh, joy, I get to spell his name regularly again.  If you’re hurting at MI (and, really, who isn’t?), I’d stash Nishioka now.  He should return in about a week and a half.

Jim Thome – Hit two homers in the same game that Jack Cust hit a home run.  With these guys going deep in the same game, it seems like this game should’ve been shown in black and white.

Matt Capps -  1 2/3 IP, 1 ER.  The only thing worse than Capps recently has been Nathan.  On a real baseball note, the Twins have been dreadful.  Feels like the first time in a while they’re out of it this early.  Oh, and the Indians have the best record in baseball.  Zoinks!

Will Venable – Sent down by the Padres for underperformance.  That’s hard to do with their offense.  That’s like flunking out of the University of Phoenix.  San Diego should move their AAA team to Tijuana.  Then when you say, “He got sent down from San Diego,” it’s actually the truth.

Bartolo Colon – 6 IP, 6 ER.  Sadly, I’m sure he took out a lot of innocent bystanders when he crashed back to earth.

Carlos Villanueva – 5 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I used to like Villanueva when he was on the Brewers.  Decent K-rate, but he’s getting crazy lucky right now on the Blue Jays.  Wouldn’t touch him outside of deep AL-Only leagues.  BTW, his last name goes well with the tune, La Isla Bonita.  Maybe Lady Gaga will write a song about him.

Jose Bautista – 1-for-3 with his 19th home run.  In other news, I don’t know if water is wet or dry because Bautista has changed everything I know about the world.

Kenley Jansen – 2/3 IP, 3 ER and the blown save.  Jansen was called on to close the game last night, and that’s where the good news ends.  I’d continue to hold Guerrier for now if you’re desperate for saves.  Yes, I’m praying I don’t have the audacity to pick up Mike MacDougal.  (BTW, Audacity is on the map just above capacity.)

Asdrubal Cabrera – 3-for-4 with his 10th home run and 7th steal.  You know there’s gonna be a baby boy this summer in Cleveland named Asdrubal.  Then they can hang out with their five-year-old brother, Pronk.

Justin Masterson – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. the Red Sox.  Sonavabench!  If you had the nads (which isn’t related to Denard) to start him, you earned his stats.

Clay Buchholz – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Earth to Grey, he’s not sucking like you said he would.  I know, Earth.

Dustin Pedroia – Fell hard going around 2nd base, but reports are saying he should be fine.  If heart and grit were legs and arms, Pedroia would be an octopus and never would’ve fell.

Phil Coke – Left yesterday’s start with an ankle injury, and Furbush replaced him.  First there was Coke, then there was Furbush.  All that was missing was an Asian guy throwing firecrackers and you’d have Boogie Nights.

Vicente Padilla went to the DL with a forearm strain.  Maybe it’s was straining to be a fivearm.  Oofa!  Who am I, Buddy Hackett?  Actually, I am.  No, I kid.  Or do I?!  No, I do, he’s dead.  Unless I’m writing this post from beyond the grave!  Boo!  Know what I like most about Matt Guerrier?  He’s not Padilla.  How’s dem apples?  Sour!  Then we have Kenley Jansen– “Buh-buh-but, Grey!  Who do we own from the Dodgers bullpen?  I can’t own everyone.  By the way, nice mustache.  Primo!”  For immediate closer action, I’d own Guerrier, Jansen, Alyssa Milano, in that order.  Unless your league counts blown saves, then reverse the order.  But — and unless you’re an alien, there’s always a but — I think Jansen ends the season with more saves than Guerrier.  The only problem is I think he gets weaned into the job and may not be getting saves regularly at first.  Frankly, it’s a committee and too many chefs make too many hors d’oeuvres and not enough entrees, or whatever that cliche is.  Oh, and because any great closerousel shituation should keep fantasy owners on their toes, Guerrier pitched the 8th inning in a losing game last night.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Joe Blanton – Yesterday, he was scratched.  No word if he’s still itchy.

Kyle McClellan – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He’s getting lucky and his strikeouts have been poor.  Soon there will be a plague of locust as we know from the The Book of Joel Pineiro.

Doug Fister – 8 IP, 1 ER and two punchouts.  Well, ain’t that appropriate for Fister?

Scott Downs – Just when it seemed like he might step in for Walden, he comes in and gives up the winning run.  Somewhere, Fernando Rodney said, “Hey, I could’ve done that!”

Howie Kendrick – 3-for-4 with his 7th home run.  He’s quietly (Is it quiet even after you say quietly?) putting together a solid season that I was excited about happening in the preseason.  Though, I didn’t get him in any league.  Nice move, El Capitan!

Justin Morneau – 3-for-5 and his 2nd home run.  Oh.  Wait a second?!  Did my typees just type what I think they did?  No!  Couldn’t be.  Did they pitch to Morneau while he was standing on 2nd because they felt bad for him?  Was their a solar eclipse during the at-bat which distracted everyone so Morneau could grab the pitched ball and throw it over the fence?  Did Trevor Plouffe go to bat wearing Morneau’s jersey?  Or could it just be a guy capable of 30 effin’ homers actually hit his 2nd homer?  Dare to dream.

Neftali Feliz – It might be nothing but Feliz didn’t look so happy yesterday when he blew his second save in two days.  He now has more walks than Ks and his WHIP is obscene, and not in the good, “Hey, what kind of movies can you order in this motel that you rent by the hour?” obscene.  If you own Feliz, I’d be worried that he’s hiding an injury.

Derek Holland – 8 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks but lost the game to Greg Holland.  Guess the Rangers and Royals decided to go Dutch.

Gavin Floyd – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  This comes after a game where he gave up 5 earned in 4 1/3 IP to Oakland.  Looks like Gavin righted the ship.  Love Boat humor!

Alex Rios – 1-for-4 and hitting .203.  Is it me or does there seem to be a lot of players hitting under .250 really late into the season?  Not rhetorical.  Heyward – .214; Uggla – .194; Kelly Johnson – .181; Longoria – .234; CarGo – .245; Tulo – .247; Hanley – .217, etc. etc. etc.

Tyson Ross – Left the game with an oblique strain.  This comes right when Cody Ross finally looks healthy.  It’s like the butterfly effect for just Rosses.  All I can say, Betsy Ross is lucky to be dead.

Justin Turner – 1-for-3 as he knocked in the Mets only run.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  You can hardly wait!  No, you!

Dillon Gee – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks.  A broken clock is right two times a day and Dillon Gee happened to be right for seven and two-thirds.

Marlon Byrd – Hit his 3rd homer and finally broke the 10 RBI barrier.  Only after batting for a month and a half in an RBI position in the lineup.  Terrific.

Darwin Barney – 1 for his last 13.  This could be the bottom finally falling out for The Purple Evolutionist.

Jay Bruce – 3-for-4 with 2 home runs.  Bruuuuuuce!  *breath*  Bruuuuuuce!

James McDonald – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks in a top five park for offense.  This comes a start after he was mollywhopped by the Brewers to the tune of five runs in 4 innings.  Pretty hard to trust that inconsistency in shallow roto mixed leagues, but it’s a gamble I could see taking in H2H.

Ryan Braun – The Hebrew Hammer left the game with a sore shoulder.  The team will reevaluate him tomorrow.  Hopefully, it’s good news for the Brewers and Hebrewers alike.

Chris Narveson – Since I pointed out that Narveson should be better, he’s thrown 19 1/3 IP and given up three earned runs.  Cust kayin’.

Shane Victorino – Headed to the DL, but Domonic Brown won’t be called up according to the GM.  I don’t buy it.  I mean, I buy that he’s not coming up immediately, but he’s still not further than a week or two away.

Josh Collmenter – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 1 K.  No, he shouldn’t be this good.  With an ERA of 0.69 over 26 IP, it doesn’t matter if I think he should be this good.  He should just be owned and let him worry about when his deal with the devil expires.

Madison Bumgarner – Came within an out of a complete game shutout.  I like Bumgarner, so don’t take this the wrong way, but the Dodgers have two hitters.  Ethier, Kemp and pray for seven hit batsmen.

Al Alburquerque – 1/3 IP, 1 ER and the loss.  As frequent commenter, nyydj2, said “Alburquerque got barbequerqued.”

Brennan Boesch – 1-for-5 with his 3rd home run.  He’s been getting dropped across multiple fantasy leagues recently and I can understand it.  He’s hitting in a cushy spot in the lineup, but I’m using the word ‘hitting’ loosely for what he’s done recently.

Alex Rodriguez – Yesterday, the Yankees scored 13 runs and A-Roid went 0-for-3.  Ticker tease!

Ricky Romero – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  RR Cool Jay (see resemblance) now has a 3.10 ERA on the year and has 57 Ks in 58 IP.  Yeah, he’s doing better than that other pitcher you own.  Yup, and him too.

J.P. Arencibia – Hit his 7th home run yesterday and three homers in his last 10 games as he bats .235 on the year.  Obviously J.P. stands for Just Passable (for shallow mixed leagues).

Jhoulys Chacin – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  It’s pronounced:  Yo-Lease.  Usage in a sentence:  Hold onto Yo-Lease.

Jason Giambi – 3 home runs yesterday.  It was a throwbackne to yesteryear.  He sure hits them in bunches.  Some would say in “cycles.”