Fantasy Baseball Advice

Or as someone with the first name Howie would call him, Howie Shmendrick. (In case, Sandy Koufax isn’t reading this to you, I’ll run down some baseball Yiddish. Erick and Willie Aybar are mishpochah, Manny Ramirez is meshuge, and Kendrick is a shmendrick.) Let’s breakdown the MI food chain. Placido Polanco is yawnstipating. Jeff Keppinger is Blanco Polanco. Howie Kendrick is wack. This year Kendrick finished with 43/3/37/.306/11. Not very impressive numbers, but he was injured for the better part of the year, only registering 340 at-bats. The problem is, Howie Kendrick is injury prone — Oops, I said it! — and may only get 340 at-bats in 2009, too. Now Kendrick does hit for a high average (In. Expli. Ca. Bly. Since he walked only 12 times all year), but it’s proving to be a very hollow average so far in his Major League career. He hasn’t sniffed double digit power yet and his speed is fine by a Carlos Lee standards, but as a light-hitting 2nd baseman, he better be stealing more than 11 a year — injury or not. So, each keeper league is obviously different, but my recommendation is to not keep Howie Kendrick.  Anyway, here’s some more keepers or players to not keep for your fantasy baseball team:

KEEP

Max Scherzer - Jobacum’s already been covered in a Scherzer Keeper post, but I have news to update. According to the Diamondbacks, Scherzer will only be a starter from here on out. To keep the Yiddish theme going, no more putzing around for Scherzer in middle relief. Mazel tov! If that news causes you to have an erection for longer than four hours, it’s understandable. So far, Scherzer has looked extremely sharp in the Arizona Fall League.

Delmon Young - Maybe it’s his bravado, maybe it’s his attitude, maybe they’re the same things. Either way, I feel Alive with Pleasure like a Newport anticipating what Delmon can do in 2009. Anyone who could hit 30 home runs and steal 20 should get you excited.

Joba Chamberlain - Joba Rules say he is ‘officially’ going to be a starter in 2009. This is according to Hankenstein, Cashman, Girardi, Joba and Penny Marshall. This will ‘officially’ change seventeen times during the offseason.

DON’T KEEP

Mark DeRosa - Do you know how fast a .280/20/80 2nd baseman loses his value? Ask Mark Ellis.

Jayson Werth - Werth had a good year, no doubt. Twenty-twenty outfielder who hits .273 has value in all leagues. What about an outfielder who hits 15 home runs, steals 10 and hits .260? That’s like Randy Winn with dysentery.

Armando Galarraga was perfect through 6 innings and, for fantasy baseball purposes, Galarraga has been solid all year, but that could all change by next week. No… Don’t deflate me! (Doesn’t that sound like a Coldplay song? Don’t deflate me… As we soar… Through the clouds…. Like balloons… I love Gwynnie…) Galarraga’s sporting a 3.2 BB/9, 6.10 K/9 rate and a .246 BABIP… Grey, numbers and old people scare me! Please. Okay, I’ll take it easy, but his WHIP should probably be in the 1.35 range vs. 1.20. So a lucky BABIP is disinfecting his WHIP. Masking the potential odor. He’s got a strong offense behind him so he might get his share of wins. Just don’t count on his peripherals remaining purdy. Armando Hammer may be from South America but don’t snort him….he’s baking soda. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Casey Kotchman - 5-for-5. If he doesn’t get some kind of kissing disease again from open-mouthing the rally monkey, this could be the start of a hot streak.

Jeff Mathis - Finally hot again. Only took him two and a half months. Eh, doesn’t matter to you, does it? Not like you need a catcher. You do? Oh, well, golly!

Howie Kendrick - 4-for-5. Okay, some of this Angels hitting can be attribute to a thin Indians pitching staff.

Mike Mussina - 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 Ks. 13 Across, Mussina’s season co-hosted by Cathy Lee Crosby, “That’s _________!”

Shane Victorino - HR off Maine. Moves in front of Alexis Rios with his 7th HR.

Carlos Quentin - 2 HRs, up to 26. I know how you feel, it’s all icing at this point. I agree, but say you grabbed (HR-hitting OF who’s on waivers) and traded Quentin for a pitcher. So you have a pitcher and (HR-hitting OF who’s on waivers), who could have the same amount of home runs as Quentin from now until the end of the year.  Things that make you say, “Hmm…”

Chipper Jones - If I’m talking about him, what do you think happened? He’s not hitting .400, he didn’t home run… He was injured? Look at the big brain on Brad. Chipper says he won’t need the DL. Instead, he’ll just clog up your bench. Sweet!

Luis Ayala - Remained the 8th inning setup man and managed to tighten Hanrahan’s hold on the closer job by giving up 3 runs.

Jim Thome - HR yesterday. I feel like Thome’s bringing the potatoes and mashing them, but people are still calling him a turkey. In the last month and a half, he’s batted over .320 with 9 HRs and 18 RBIs. If everyone on your team was doing that, you’d be in first place asking for fanny kisses.

Tim Hudson - Elbow tightness, but word on the streets of Hotlanta is he won’t miss a start.

CC Sabathia - So if he gets 8 straight wins, he’s not going to win the Cy Young because stats don’t carry from one league to another. When was this rule put in place? Before the invention of the phonograph? There’s interleague now, you morons! Why are we counting those stats? This “no carrying of stats” can’t even be defended. There’s no one sitting around in a bow-tie (and really all of these baseball elitists wear bow-ties), saying, “By George, Randy Wolf can still win the Cy Young because he was traded within the same league, but CC can’t. We’ve really figured out a way to make our stats matter!”

Ricky Nolasco - He’s been too good thus far to bail this quickly, but he gets the Mets next. He’s either headed for another Zoinks! or a Rebound! I think we’re looking at a Zoinks! (BTW, Rudy picked up Nolasco for this start in our league. Greinke’d!)

Jarrod Washburn - Trade target for the Yanks. Guess they saw the Randy Wolf move by the Astros and didn’t want to be left out.

James Shields - He’s the mother sauce of a great pitching staff. Mother sauce, I tell ya!

Jason Bartlett - Will be activated on Thursday. He’s been on the shelf all month and he still has 18 steals on the year. It was a knee injury though, so use some caution, you.

Kevin Kouzmanoff - Glad I just traded him so he could start to get hot. *sticking hand in blender like Chunk*

Billy Wagner - Got the save. That ends the Smith-Duaner-Heilman-Feliciano Experiment until Wagner’s next flare up. (Two weeks.)

Mike Hampton - Set to join Braves rotation next week. I bet a bunch of you went back to reread that. Mike who? Hampton what?

Adam Dunn - Grand slam yesterday. They should weigh all MLB players in Dunns. Allow me to demonstrate, “Eric Byrnes is a third of a Dunn,” “So Taguchi is 3 Dunn arms,” and “Mike Napoli is 4 Dunn legs and 7 Dunn sausage fingers.”

Much like Ron Howard’s movies, Ryan Howard’s swings are hit or miss. Lately, he’s been more A Beautiful Mind than The Grinch Who Stole Christmas. If he can just get the average up, he’ll reach the pinnacle of Night Shift. However, the chances of that are the same as Chase Utley marrying a mermaid. But Philly fans are smart enough to not look at just average.  They check slugging percentages before they start chucking batteries.  Who can forget the sabermetric death threats at Mitch Williams - a BABIP of .100 couldn’t compensate for your K/BB and HR/FB ratio! What is Ryan Howard averaging more than one a game since May 1? If you guessed cheese steaks and hot dogs, you may be right. But if you guessed RBIs, you’re definitely right. As far back as mid-April, I told you he will hit 40 home runs, go out and get him no matter what his early season looks like. I told you in May, when Howard was in the midst of a terrible slump, he would go into the All-Star Break with the most home runs. Since May 1st, he’s hit 46/22/71/.258 and 68 Pork Roll sandwiches. Yum! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Vernon Wells - Hits the DL with a Grade 2 strain. Or as we called it in Grade 2, a boo-boo. He’ll be out 4-6 weeks; I’d drop him. Send your Get Well Soon cards to Toronto c/o Nobody Cares.

Richie Sexson - Was released by the Mariners. I was trying to come up with the perfect Sexson blurb, but all I kept thinking of was “Blechhhh!” So Sexson doesn’t get a blurb, he gets a burp. (BTW, I almost made him the lead, but I realized he’s been a non-story for two years. If he was the lead, his title would’ve been, “My Girl Doesn’t Like Sexson The Bumhole.”)

John Maine - He should’ve dusted the Giants like Mrs. Garrett did the Drummond household. (BTW, “Mrs.” my ass. Unless she was hitched in Hawaii to Paula Poundstone.) I can only assume the forearm cramps are bothering Maine still. Hopefully the All-Star Break gives them time to heal.

Erik Bedard - Hits the DL. But he was more or less on the DL anyway. Eff why eye, I wouldn’t be looking to grab Seattle Mariners for their 2nd half race to a 100 losses.

Moises Alou - Revealed he has a torn left hamstring. I guess peeing on his leg only made it worse. I think this might be the last we see of an Alou until his son, Shlomo, makes it to the majors in 2012.

Justin Upton - Oblique strain, but I think they’ve narrowed it down to somewhere in his abdominal.

Dustin McGowan - Tear in his rotator cuff. Punt.

Kevin Slowey - 6 ER in less than 4 IP. I said I liked him, I never said I loooooved him. For those Twins fetishists out there, I’d prefer Baker in a ball gag.

Justin Morneau - 5-for-5, someone asked in the comments if I liked him better than Atkins. I do. What else do you want me to say?! (I’ll talk more about this in Friday’s afternoon Buy/Sell. Or not! Wait and see! Or not! Actually, these “Or not”s could go on forever. Or not!)

Todd Jones - Blew a save yesterday. Guess how many that is. Go ahead. I’ll wait. *taps foot, picks nose and checks watch* Time’s up! Only his second blown save. Zumaya will see some chances soon, but I don’t know if Jones goes the way of Borowski just yet.

Aaron Harang - Placed on the 15-day DL. Strained forearm. Funny, cause he strained my patience. Supposedly he’ll be back right when his two week DL-stint is over.

Homer Bailey- Being called up to start on Saturday in place of Harang against Brewers. I’m sure the Brewers won’t mind either way.

Steven Pearce - And back down to the minors. When a team makes move as cunning as the Pirates, it’s baffling why they’ve had a losing record since 1992. It’s the Curse of Bream! Why don’t the Pirates invite Bream to Opening Day 2009 and surprise him with a clubbing? Hey, Sid, your fly’s down. Get em, boys! I’m sure Randall Simon’s available to do the clubbing.

Brandon Morrow - Kurt Suzuki took him deep to blow his save. When Suzuki circled the bases, from the way he was smiling, you would’ve thought he just won the World Series, except for the tumbleweeds blowing through the stands.

Dave Bush - 8 IP, 13 Ks, 0 ER, 3 H and one of the best starts of the year. His home/road splits are big enough to take a flier on him when he’s at home, right? I can’t make a ball gag joke and tell you to stay away from Bush in the same post, can I? Am I secure enough in my testes? As Lupe Fiasco might say, “Kick, Bush.”

Zach Greinke/Mark Buehrle/Jeremy Guthrie - Guys I have on quite a few teams. One team, all three — 21 1/3 IP, 19 Ks, 2 ER, .85 WHIP, Zero Wins. I think I’ve been Greinke’d!

Howie Kendrick - I went to a concert last night, so I missed some stuff, but when I came home and saw Kendrick hit two home runs, a few things that passed through my mind, 1. Why did the Rangers bring the outfield in in the 2nd and 5th innings? 2. Did they let Kendrick bat from 2nd base? 3. Why was Corey Feldman pitching for the Rangers? 4. Could I hit a home run in Arlington?  5. Have the Rangers considered a humidor? 6. I went to high school with a kid by the name of Howie. He has more Myspace friends than me. 7. Did they let Kendrick use an aluminum bat? 8. Howie Kendrick is like a poor man’s Polanco. So if Keppinger is Blanco Polanco, what does that make Kendrick? 9. Could ten things actually pass through my mind about Kendrick hitting 2 HRs? 10. Yup.

So Francisco Liriano didn’t exactly solidify your fantasy baseball team back in April. Well, as they might not say in China, don’t throw out the baby with the bath water. Since returning to the minors, he’s pitched some decent games, but the most encouraging thing is he’s regaining his control. Right now he’s sitting at a 41/15 K/BB ratio. In most leagues, Liriano is worth a flier. Just know when he does return, you might get the obligatory crap first start, then you’ll drop him only to watch him perform well on a different team. (BTW, ever notice how weird ob- words are? Obligatory? That’s weird. What, am I being obtuse? And you probably wish you became an OB-GYN. Well, that’s obscene. High School Counselor, “Obstetrics? Don’t worry, you use a camera…” “Obscura? No, thanks. But if I ever have a kid I’ll name him, Obama.” Yeah, red states wanna send him back to oblivion. They can’t wait to read Obama’s political obit. Meanwhile, blue states are hoping he can Obi Wan their asses. Oh, boy. This bit’s obsessive. Obey Oberlin College!) Anyway, here’s some more fantasy baseball players to buy and sell:

BUY

Brandon Morrow - If he’s getting saves, you should be investing something. Is he better than Chris Perez? Is Chris Perez getting saves? Is he better than Heath Bell? Is Bell getting saves? I’m sure you get my drift.

Brad Hawpe - Even if you just start him against righties, he’s going to be worth it some point soon.

Khalil Greene - Rudy seems convinced the phonetically irrelevant “h” is throwing off his timing. I think it’s karma for being the only ugly mulatto person in the world. His early season struggles may just be one of the universe’s many unanswered questions along with, “Does God poop?” Either way, I think Greene’s overdue to turn it around.

Charlie Morton - He sounds like your Dad’s business associate. “Go get cleaned up. Your father invited Charlie Morton over for dinner.” “Aw, jeez.” “Don’t ‘aw, jeez’ me and put on your fancy dungarees.” I don’t know what Morton looks like, but his numbers in the minors were solid. 2.05 ERA, almost a K per inning. NL-Only leagues should definitely take a look.

Frank Thomas - Egads! When interleague’s over, The Big Hurt is coming back. He can be a fat-kidneyed harpy, but don’t let that cloud your judgment if you need home runs.

Ryan Spilborghs - Not so fast toadies, Willy T. is losing time in center for Spilborghs.

SELL

Ryan Zimmerman - Should not be on any teams. Even 10 team leagues that only use Nats player.

Homer Bailey - Maybe Ankiel can show him how to swing the bat.

Troy Percival - As soon as he comes back, start shopping him. He’s old and has already been retired once. For over a year.

Howie Kendrick - I don’t believe in guys who lack speed and enough strength to beat me arm wrestling.

Milton Bradley - At some point he will suddenly drop his ego on some part of his body and injure himself. You’ve been warned.

Jon Lester threw a no hitter against the Kansas City Royals yesterday (in case you were in a cave and didn’t hear). That goes to show you what getting rid of a locker room cancer can do for a team. Going forward, I see nothing remarkable from Lester. Just one of those things that happens. If you decide he needs to be on your team because you’re a sucker for feel-good stories, you should expect to take a hit on WHIP. It’s not just the walks, he gives up hits by the truckload, as well. Let someone else grab Lester and be the martyr. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday:

Jake Peavy - Jake Peavy is going on the DL with a bad elbow. Padre fans moan, “Why couldn’t it have been ANY of our hitters….well, except A-Gonz.” Don’t panic on Peavy; he’s been on the DL before. You’re not going to get good value for him anyway.

Albert Pujols - Pujols hit 2 HRs in Petco. Impressive. Ryan Ludwick hit a HR and a double. Impressive and a bit more surprising. Cesar Izturis hit a homerun in Petco. Did they build another shorter fence for the game like they did in the Astrodome for the Bad News Bears?

Aramis Ramirez - If you can somehow trade a hot starter (Volquez!) for him, do it. Aram’s the quietest .300/35/100 guy in recent memory.

Geovany Soto - Soto’s done everything else, why wouldn’t he get an inside the park in under 17 seconds? Why? No reason, so he did.

Josh Hamilton - Now Josh Hamilton lets his bat say crack.

Joe Borowski - How anxious are the Indians for Blowrowski to return? The Indians said they want him to only throw one inning in the minors. I’m sure Borowski’s fantasy owners are just anxious.

Adam Dunn - Dunn hit another home run. If he hits in 8 straight, the Reds owner promised he’ll let Dunn bring his pet blue ox, Babe, into the clubhouse.

Frank Thomas - Frank Thomas hit 2 HRs. More amazingly, he made it around the bases twice.

Alex Rodriguez - Looks ready to return on Tuesday. Looks like Eric Karabell’s sister, Stephania Bell’s prediction that Arod will be out until the All-Star break might be a bit wrong.

Brett Myers - In The Bank, Punchy would’ve gave up at least three more runs against the Nats. If Myerly were a word, it would mean struggling.

Shawn Hill - He’s going to be skipped because of elbow soreness. I said he’d be very usable when pitching, I never said he’d stay healthy.

Max Scherzer - If Doug Davis were returning from a suspension because he had drank a quart of Popov and urinated in the Chase Field pool, then I’d say Scherzer might hold his rotation spot, but Davis is returning from cancer. I mean, c’mon, it’s The Big C. That’s some feel-good shizz. BTW, Big week for cancer survivors.

Howie Kendrick - Word on the Streets of Bobby Grichville, Kendrick is going to need at least another week.  I’m not a huge fan of him when he’s healthy and it’s beginning to seem like he may never be healthy.