Hong-Chih Kuo

Grey

Cabrera Keeps Eye On Ball

| Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 127 Comments

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Sometimes when you take the fielding coach a little too literal, this is what happens.  Miguel Cabrera came face to face with his fielding fears and a baseball and the baseball won.  A sharp grounder shattered his sunglasses, leaving his right eye a bloody mess.  The good news for Miggy, the doctor prescribed a 15 ounce porterhouse.  No word if Miggy put it on his eye with or without A1 Steak Sauce.  Just thought of something.  Since the 2012 All-Star Game is in Kansas City, I’m sure George Brett will throw out the first pitch.  You thought he was mad during the Pine Tar Game, wait until he sees Miggy and Hanley playing 3rd.  From early reports, it sounds like Miggy will be fine, but Tigers won’t release Miggy’s face X-rays until after this posts on Tuesday, so I’m keeping my fingers crossed.  An&yswy, hiacte’s– Sorry, I’ll cross my fingers after I’m done with the post.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in spring training for 2012 fantasy baseball:

Joakim Soria – Has UCL damage, which isn’t related to damage caused by a drunk UL Washington.  Or as Van Morrison would say, “His elbow doesn’t feel good.  His elbow doesn’t feel right.  His name is Soria.  S-O-R-I-A… And his name is Soria… S-O-R-I-A…”  There was talk that Soria should’ve been traded a few years ago.  I tend to agree, you don’t have a $12 salad if you can’t make your rent, but that’s neither here nor there now.  Some reports are saying Broxton will fill in as the closer.  I think Holland will close in Soria’s stead.  If you’re desperate for saves, I’d grab both of them.  At this point, it’s not clear who will take over the role.  I think it’s only about a 55% chance for Holland to be the closer, so you better grab an umbrella.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Closer Look

| 2012 Fantasy Baseball Draft, Closers | 55 Comments

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Since our last Closer Look, we’ve had some comings and goings.  One coming was Pestano, who last year said Eataly should give out free pizza toppings if you’re wearing Crocs.  With Chris Perez going down for 4 to 6 weeks with the ever-mysterious oblique injury, Pestano should see some saves into the beginning of the year.  Double negatives aside, I wouldn’t not draft Perez.  He should resume the closer job once he returns because the Indians are committed to him, in the same way Courtney Love should be committed.  Another coming was Brett Myers, who will take over the Astros closing job.  If you grab Myers at a draft, you’re gonna get beat up.  Not speaking metaphorically.  If you draft Myers, you should be fine for 25ish saves.  Another bit of closer news pertains to Brian Fuentes and Grant Balfour.  The A’s are saying Fuentes and Balfour are both up for the closer job.  Balfour is the better option, but clubs don’t always go with the best option.  (Actually, the best option would be Faustino De Los Santos, but he’s not going to be the closer right out of the gate.)  I’d draft Fuentes and Balfour (and FDLS in very deep leagues, an acronym that sounds like a dyslexic branch of Latter-Day Saints).  Finally, Javy Guerra was announced the closer to start the season by Don Mattingly, who lost all common sense once he shaved his mustache, which is not a coincidence.  Guerra could be the closer for the whole season while having one of the best middle men behind him, kind of how Marmol used to work that role.  Or Guerra could blow three saves in April and Jansen will be the closer by April 20th.  I think there’s a 50/50 chance either scenario happens.  I’d draft both.  If Jansen goes to the bullpen, maybe the free time will allow Kenley an opportunity to think about designing with something other than polka dots and prove she deserved to be a Project Runway All-Star (hey, four girl readers, who loves you?).  Anyway, here’s all the closers for 2012 fantasy baseball:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad?

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Closer Look

| Closers | 75 Comments

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I was like, “Yo, Grey, you gotta do a Closer Look, like, last week so everyone knows what is the haps on closers!”  Then I was like, “After the trading deadline, which I went over in Toto, not a whole lot changes.”  Then I was like, “What is “the haps?”  The happenings?  Then say that.  And ‘in Toto?’  Are you talking in code for ‘in Total Douchebag?’”  It’s a constant struggle with myself to give you the best product, and, when I don’t give you the best product, it’s usually me blabbering about how it’s a constant struggle to give you the best product.  Incredibly, in the last month there’s only been three closer changes.  Capps to Nathan, Bastardo to Madson, which only happened because Madson was briefly injured last month when I did the last Closer Look, and D-ork to the Brewers, making Izzy the closer, which has been well documented on this site, and by ‘this site’ I mean the one you’re reading right now, not the porn window you have open underneath it.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad?

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Closer Look

| Closers | 88 Comments

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Ryan Madson hit the DL and some Bastardo took over, Broxton is a bastardo and Guerra is getting saves since Kuo can’t watch Lifetime without crying — assuming there are Dodger saves, Rauch was named the closer and Frank2 started getting all the saves, Lyon is out for the season and Melancon looks terrible, La Russa changed closers three times since you started reading this run-on sentence, Jordan Walden has been taking pointers from Fernando Rodney and Kevin Gregg actually moved up the ranks.  Brain Freezes, your saves are cheap, but your headaches are senseless.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad?

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Pujols And His Owners Going Wristerical

| Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 226 Comments

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Wilson Betemit collided with Albert Pujols and… Why is Wilson Betemit playing?!  He never plays.  Doesn’t your Quad-A Beer Pong Tournament partner, Shelley Duncan, need you for a tourney?  Manzo!  (Which is my new favorite exclamation that means nothing.)  Another tough break (strain?) for a high draft pick.  You high draft picks remind me of my shoe closet — I got one penny and a bunch of loafers!  (Thanks, Lil Penny.)  Pujols supposedly only has a sprained wrist, but will be reevaluated on Monday.  If it’s any more serious than a strain, I suggest Betemit enter the Witness Protection Program.  Your deity of choice willing Pujols will be back on the field in a day or two.  Luckily, Pujols has severed elbow tendons in the past and only missed one game.  Manzo!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Lance Berkman – Didn’t start on Sunday because his back and leg were “barking.”  Sounds like someone has figured out how to appeal to La Russa’s PETA leniencies.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Closer Look

| Closers | 177 Comments

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The questions have started about Heath Bell getting traded.  I think there’s a good chance it happens.  Well, Hair Lip, there goes his value! Not so fast, random italicized voice.  I guess you have all the answers! Actually, I have questions.  What if he’s traded to the Cards or Angels?  What if Huston Street gets hurt and the Rockies grab Bell?  What if the Mariners gain a few games on the Rangers and become buyers?  What if your boss replaces you with a coyote that was raised by humans and can flip burgers better than you?  Do you see what I’m saying here?  Don’t sell Bell short because of trade rumors.  Lots of things can happen.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

No Kissing Cousins In San Francisco

| Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 260 Comments

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Last night, Buster Posey was carried off the field after Scott Cousins plowed him over.  This was the worst bang-bang play a catcher took in San Francisco since– Okay, you almost drew me into that one, but I’m not going there.  It didn’t look good as Posey wasn’t able to put weight on his leg.  Everyone’s favorite lox dealer, Eli Whiteside, would take over if the busted Posey misses time.  As Eli would say, oy.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Mike Minor – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  The reason why I haven’t been screaming for you to grab this Minor, besides the fact I’m not Gary Glitter or Jeffrey Jones, is I have no idea the Braves plan for him.  I imagine he’s sent back down as soon as Beachy returns.  You can pick up Minor, just in case he sticks.  I do still have much love for him.  Even if he hasn’t returned any of my phone calls, appreciated my unannounced drop-bys or patted my butt when I’ve asked him to.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Paging Buy’em. Mr. Peavy Buy’em

| Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell | 357 Comments

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Jake Peavy is due back in less than a week unless he has a setback.  That ‘unless’ eats deep fried butter with a side of blooming onion, needs a crane to go to the bathroom and a mop to clean its inner thighs.  I’ll admit Peavy makes me smize, as Tyra would say.  I smized more when he was in Petco, but he’s pitched well in his rehab.  Does he deserve another chance?  Sure, why not?  What, he kicked your puppy’s nads?  Now if anyone tells you what you can expect of him this year other than three more DL stints, they’re lying, those no good liars.  You take the flyer on him if he’s on your waivers just hoping he stays healthy and produces.  The rest is icing.  …Actually, I’m using the rest is icing cliche wrong.  If he stays healthy and produces, that is the icing.  Can you tell I wrote this when I was hungry?  Mmm…Deep fried butter.  Anyway, here’s some players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Vicente Padilla – I feel like one small point that’s getting lost in all of this Padilla talk is that he sucks.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Carl Will Weathers The Storm

| Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell | 470 Comments

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At least that’s the creed that Francona and Epstein keep repeating to themselves as they sit in the fetal position on opposite corners of the clubhouse shower. Carl Crawford seems like a nice guy.  Something about the name Carl.  So innocuous.  “Hey, sis, what’s your new boyfriend’s name?  Carl?  I’m gonna like him on Facebook.”  That’s you jibber-jabbering with your family.  Because Carl seems like a nice guy could be partially why it’s so sad to see him struggle this much.  Doode better not stand too close to the Pesky pole in a lightning storm cause he will get struck.  That’s been his luck so far.  Franconian measures were taken to get Crawford going by openly mocking him with a lineup switch.  That never helps.  It’s like when you’re a teenager and your Mom makes an appointment for you to see a dermatologist.  Suddenly, you realize you’re not hiding your acne as good as you thought you were.  Crawford is really doing nothing wrong other than getting extremely unlucky.  That luck will turn around and he’ll suddenly look like the 2nd round pick he was in the preseason.  To misquote a cliche, get in now while the gettin’s not good.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Justin Smoak – I just went over my Smoak fantasy.  I wrote it riding on the back of a bicycle through downtown Milwaukee while Shirley steered.

Please, blog, may I have some more?