He’ll make you feel good and bad and happy and sad. But mostly just sad. And mad. And glad…you don’t own him. I’m talking, of course, of Jose Valverde. Motown just can’t resist the temptations of signing Papa Grande. Smokey just went over all the fantasy baseball closers. There’s $12 Salads. There’s Donkeycorns. There’s Brain Freezes. There should be another category underneath the Brain Freezes for Valverde: Tossed Salad That Gives You Botulism. He seems like a great idea. Why do you need a side of rigatoni when you’re having lasagna for dinner? It makes sense to get the side salad. Go with the tossed salad. Unfortunately, the tossed salad was prepared in 2007 and is piled in the corner of the kitchen holding the employee’s bathroom door open because Brian lost the key. Once in a while Brian also forgets to stock the bathroom with toilet paper, so the iceberg lettuce doubles its duties, so to speak. That’s Valverde. There’s so many reasons to not pick him up, but let’s stick with the two most important ones: 1) He wasn’t good last year when he had the job. 2) Detroit even replaced him when games really mattered. 3) I said let’s stick with two reasons so why would you even mention 3? I wish I could sit here — and I am sitting, in a Barclay Lounger, a matter of fact — and tell you the signing of Valverde means the Detroit shituation has become crystal clear now. That, now, Valverde will close games. Yeah, he might get shoved into the closer role, but closing games is another issue. He was signed to a minor league contract. He’ll now take anywhere from two to four weeks to get ready, then the Tigers will either call him up or release him. I’d put his chances to get saves within a month at 35%. There’s still Benoit, Coke, Dotel and Al Al’etc who could take the job and run with it in the mean’s while. After seeing Dotel enter the game in the 6th yesterday, there’s no telling what will happen. Someone get close to Leyland’s cigarette pack and check to see if there’s a warning that reads, “Caution: May Cause Smoker To Use The Wrong Man In The 9th Inning.” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
It’s a bittersweet yum-yum fest with Matt Harvey*. *Line borrowed from a teenaged Asian girl’s diary. I told you to draft him on every team as a 6th starter. Unfortunately, he was drafted as a number three in most leagues. Fortunately if you still drafted him, he’s the boss of the world. Ask him next time you want to go to the bathroom. He will permission you. He’s a benevolent boss. A benevolent boss that says it’s okay when you forget to wear pants to work. Or a benevolent boss that doesn’t scold you when you stare at the clock for the last four hours on a Friday. It was like he was channeling the Spirit of Doc Gooden, but the Spirit had a more responsible sponsor than Keith Hernandez and wasn’t being offered goofballs off some hooker’s chest that Strawberry just brought into the clubhouse. Ralph Kiner, God Bless his soul if he passes sometime in the next 24 hours, napped through the entire Mets game and still knows how good Harvey was. That’s how good he was! And yesterday’s line of 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 10 Ks could just be the beginning. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Well he ain’t Ty, that’s for sure. *Laugh track begins* Well if he isn’t Thai, then what is he? Vietnamese? Micro-Polynesian? And who are we talking about exactly? Did you accidentally delete a sentence? This is a really confusing intro. Sorry, readership, it was an inside joke that somehow escaped like an alien from Ripley’s chest. For those who googled ‘Ripley’s chest’ expecting to either find Alien 3 or Sigourney Weaver’s bosom, welcome to Razzball! I’ll be your special host for this post where we try and find the truth to whether a player is a draft day discount or if they’re going low for a good reason. Why am I a special host? Well you see, I’m Sky from Razzball fantasy football and I’ve come here to crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women. Wait, no, that’s what I do on Saturdays. What I’m here to do is talk to you about Ty…I mean Alex Cobb of the Tampa Bay
Devil Rays and how he just might be a pitcher of interest for 2013 fantasy baseball…
In our 2013 fantasy baseball rankings, we’ve gone over so many flippin’ players I’ve lost track. This is, I believe, the top 60 starters for 2013 fantasy baseball, but you’re best to check the title to be sure. If it is indeed the top 60 starters, then you’re in luck. Only a few more top 20 rankings posts. What is it, February? March? Why don’t I have an app for this? Or do I want a hashtag? App ‘n Hashtag would be a good name for a 50′s style diner with wifi. As with the other rankings posts, tiers and my projections are mentioned. Anyway, here’s the top 60 starters for 2013 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
All the final 2012 fantasy baseball rankings for hitters are done. For those that skipped today’s title, this starts the top 20 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball. This is NOT for 2013 (caps for those still wearing their Frankenweenie 3-D glasses). This is a recap. Will these affect next year’s rankings? Sure. But not entirely. To recapitulate, these rankings are from our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater. We’re (me) using it to fairly gauge our (my) preseason rankings.Please, blog, may I have some more?
I know you were all pumped for the City Slickers post, but that’s now coming next week. If I let you down, I apologize, but Michelangelo didn’t paint the 16th chapel in a week! He had other stuff to do, like battle ‘The Shredder’ along with the foot clan.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Texas finally caught a glimpse of MLB’s best Japanese starter as Hiroki Kuroda went 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Rangers. Did they play this game in the Old Yankee Stadium? The one that was 700 feet to center and had Red Ruffing’s mausoleum in dead left?Please, blog, may I have some more?
It’s not the Year of the Tiger, but don’t tell Doug Fister that. And don’t ask Mr. Fister to sing Kyrie, because that song kills kittens. Fact! He just followed up a strong start @BAL with a dominating performance against the T & T Angels: 8 IP, 10K, 1 ER, 4 baserunners.Please, blog, may I have some more?
How did baseball survive over two months without a Boston/New York match-up? It’s barely a rivalry these days as the Yankees took an 8 1/2 game lead over the Red Sox with the big win last night. It was your typical NY/BOS game, i.e., nearly 4 hours long, 18 runs scored, 28 hits, and plenty of dirty looks and “bad calls.” One thing we can always count on in these match-ups is plenty of fantasy implications; in fact, I was debating even covering the other games.Please, blog, may I have some more?
As I announced yesterday after inferring things from elsewhere, it’s official. Anthony Rizzo will be in tonight’s lineup vs. the Mets. I’d continue to paint the walls of your brain with more praise, but I think we’ve heard enough. If I effuse anymore, you Rizzo owners aren’t going to be able to get into your pants anymore. Let’s look at reality for a second, last year he hit 1 homer and .141 in 49 games and 128 ABs. I didn’t make those numbers up. I seriously just looked them up on the Al Gore-invented Internet. One homer, .141 average. That sounds downright Zimmermanian. Sure, it was in Petco (for his home games), and the only one that likes to hit there is Tony Gwynn and he’s hitting the buffet. Is it totally outta the realm of possibility that Anthony falls flatso? Noppers. Right now, Rizzo might be at the height of his value. Say you have Konerko, Middlebrooks and really no room for Rizzo, except by clogging up your Utility spot. I wouldn’t hold onto Rizzo waiting for his value to possibly drop out. It might take alligator blood to trade Rizzo right now, but to the bold go the fantasy spoils, or whatever that cliche is. This is not to say I think he will Triple Lindy back into Triple-A, but it’s out there as a possibility. You didn’t just back up into Miguel Cabrera off of waivers. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Travis Wood – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. You know something the media hasn’t covered much? What a great year it is for pitchers with double entendre last names. We haven’t seen anything like this since The Big Unit tried a backdoor cutter. Wood has a K:BB 35:20 in 48 1/3 IP. That’s fine for NL-Only leagues, but I’d be careful letting Wood poke around my mixed league team.Please, blog, may I have some more?