Fantasy Baseball Advice

For the first time in over two years, Jonathan Papelbon is no longer a $12 Salad.  I know, call your Congressman.  Pass Prop 12.  There’s been signs for a long time that he wasn’t the same closer from 2007.  I didn’t want to move him because he seemed like the epitome of a $12 Salad.  Overpriced lettuce? Yeah, random italicized voice, sorta.  Cool, now I’m totally confused. I think Papelbon has the name value attached to him that makes him seem more attractive than he really is.  His WHIP is kinda bleh.  His ERA’s kinda ugly.  His dancing is hideous.  For the first time in a while, I can see Papelbon’s cracks.  And, uh, cracks kill.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Mariano Rivera (+1) (Joba Chamberlain, Damaso Marte)
2. Jonathan Broxton (-1) (Hong-Chih Kuo, Ramon Troncoso)
3. Carlos Marmol (+1) (Sean Marshall, Andrew Cashner)
4. Jose Valverde (+3) (Phil Coke, Ryan Perry)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

5. Heath Bell (+2) (Luke Gregerson, Mike Adams)
6. Francisco Rodriguez (Pedro Feliciano)
7. Joakim Soria (-2) (Robinson Tejeda, Kyle Farnsworth)
8. Billy Wagner (+5) (Takashi Saito, Peter Moylan)
9. Brian Wilson (Sergio Romo, Chris Ray)
10. Rafael Soriano (Dan Wheeler, Joaquin Benoit)
11. Andrew Bailey (Michael Wuertz, Brad Ziegler)
12. Ryan Franklin (Jason Motte, Kyle McClellan)
13. Jonathan Papelbon (-10) (Daniel Bard, Hideki Okajima)
14. Neftali Feliz (+7) (Frank Francisco, Darren O’Day)
15. Leo Nunez (+2) (Brian Sanches)
16. Francisco Cordero (-2) (Arthur Rhodes, Nick Masset)
17. Jon Rauch (-2) (Matt Guerrier, Jesse Crain)
18. Matt Capps (+1) (Tyler Clippard, Drew Storen)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Brian Fuentes– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Napoli in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

19. David Aardsma (-3) (Brandon League)
20. Matt Lindstrom (Brandon Lyon, Jeff Fulchino)
21. Brian Fuentes (-3) (Fernando Rodney, Kevin Jepsen)
22. Octavio Dotel (Evan Meek, Joel Hanrahan)
23. Brad Lidge (+5) (Jose Contreras, Danys Baez, Chad Durbin)
24. Bobby Jenks (-1) (J.J. Putz, Matt Thornton)
25. Kevin Gregg (-1) (Jason Frasor, Scott Downs)
26. Huston Street (-1) (Manny Corpas, Matt Belisle, Rafael Betancourt)
27. John Axford (+2) (Trevor Hoffman, Zach Braddock, Carlos Villanueva)
28. Kerry Wood (-2) (Chris Perez, Tony Sipp, Rafael Perez)
29. Alfredo Simon (+1) (David Hernandez, Jason Berken, Mike Gonzalez)
30. Aaron Heilman (-3) (Chad Qualls, Sam Demel, Juan Gutierrez, R.B.I. Baseball’s Mike Scott)

The Brain Freezes lived up to their names last month.  With Jenks, Hoffman, Gregg, Dotel, Lidge, Funklin Morales, Qualls, Perez, Wood and Simon all putting dry ice on your fantasy baseball team and then shattering it.  No one ever said owning Brain Freezes would be easy, but does it have to be this hard?  Can’t I just Ron Popeil my Jenkses and Hoffmen and let them be?  No, of course, I can’t.  It would be too easy.  I come from the school that if a guy has a chance to earn even one save, I’ll own them.  Sometimes this yields 6 saves from Alfredo Simon, other times this yields 12 earned runs in a third of an inning from Will Ohman. (It’ll happen, don’t you worry about that.)  So they may give you an ulcer, but I’d own them.  Brain Freezes are the nuts and sometimes they crack.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Jonathan Broxton (+1) (Hong-Chih Kuo, Ramon Troncoso, George Sherrill)
2. Mariano Rivera (+1) (Joba Chamberlain, Damaso Marte)
3. Jonathan Papelbon (-2) (Daniel Bard, Hideki Okajima)
4. Carlos Marmol (Sean Marshall, Andrew Cashner)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

5. Joakim Soria (Kyle Farnsworth, Josh Rupe)
6. Francisco Rodriguez (Pedro Feliciano, Jenrry Mejia)
7. Heath Bell (Mike Adams, Luke Gregerson)
8. Jose Valverde (Joel Zumaya, Ryan Perry)
9. Brian Wilson (Sergio Romo, Dan Runzler)
10. Rafael Soriano (+2) (Dan Wheeler, Grant Balfour)
11. Andrew Bailey (+5) (Michael Wuertz, Brad Ziegler)
12. Ryan Franklin (+2) (Kyle McClellan, Jason Motte)
13. Billy Wagner (Takashi Saito, Peter Moylan)
14. Francisco Cordero (-3) (Arthur Rhodes, Nick Masset)
15. Jon Rauch (Matt Guerrier, Jesse Crain)
16. David Aardsma (-5) (Brandon League, Shawn Kelley)
17. Leo Nunez (+1) (Clay Hensley, Brian Sanches)
18. Brian Fuentes (-1) (Fernando Rodney, Kevin Jepsen, Scot Shields)
19. Matt Capps (Tyler Clippard, Drew Storen)
20. Matt Lindstrom (Brandon Lyon, Jeff Fulchino)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Chad Qualls– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit LaRoche in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

21. Neftali Feliz (+7) (Frank Francisco, Chris Ray)
22. Octavio Dotel (+1) (Evan Meek, Brendan Donnelly, Joel Hanrahan)
23. Manny Corpas (+3) (Rafael Betancourt, Huston Street)
24. Kevin Gregg (-1) (Jason Frasor, Scott Downs)
25. Bobby Jenks (-3) (Matt Thornton, J.J. Putz)
26. Kerry Wood (+2) (Chris Perez, Rafael Perez)
27. Chad Qualls (Aaron Heilman, Juan Gutierrez)
28. Jose Contreras/Brad Lidge (-2) (Danys Baez, Chad Durbin)
29. John Axford (-7) (Trevor Hoffman, Carlos Villanueva, Todd Coffey, LaTroy Hawkins, Polish Sausage Mascot)
30. Will Ohman (Frank Mata, Alfredo Simon, Koji Uehara, Mike Gonzalez, Cal Ripken Jr., Cal Ripken Jr. Jr.)

As I was thinking about Rudy going off and getting married, I needed a good cry, so I burned myself a sad song CD.  Rather than try and find 15 songs that all had the same sentiment, I just put Why Can’t I? by Liz Phair on there 15 times.  By the 12th repeat, I started to realize something, Liz Phair is talking about closers.  Picking up setup men that you hope become the closer?  “It’s an itch we know we are gonna scratch.”  When will Matt Thornton become the closer?  “Gonna take a while for this egg to hatch.”  Octavio Dotel is called into the game?  “Why can’t I breathe whenever I think about you?”  I know exactly what you mean, Liz Phair.  Frankly, I’m surprised no one else picked up on this hidden meaning.  This is our Helter Skelter.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Jonathan Papelbon (Daniel Bard, Hideki Okajima)
2. Jonathan Broxton (+1) (George Sherrill, Ramon Troncoso, Hong-Chih Kuo)
3. Mariano Rivera (-1) (Joba Chamberlain, Alfredo Aceves, Damaso Marte)
4. Carlos Marmol (+2) (John Grabow, Carlos Zambrano)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

5. Joakim Soria (+2) (Kyle Farnsworth, Josh Rupe)
6. Francisco Rodriguez (Fernando Nieve, Jenrry Mejia)
7. Heath Bell (-2) (Mike Adams, Luke Gregerson)
8. Jose Valverde (Joel Zumaya, Ryan Perry)
9. Brian Wilson (+1) (Jeremy Affeldt, Sergio Romo)
10. Francisco Cordero (+1) (Arthur Rhodes, Nick Masset)
11. David Aardsma (-2) (Mark Lowe, Brandon League)
12. Rafael Soriano (Dan Wheeler, Grant Balfour, J.P. Howell)
13. Billy Wagner (Takashi Saito, Kris Medlen)
14. Ryan Franklin (Kyle McClellan, Jason Motte)
15. Jon Rauch (+12) (Matt Guerrier, Jesse Crain)
16. Andrew Bailey (+1) (Michael Wuertz, Brad Ziegler)
17. Brian Fuentes (Fernando Rodney, Kevin Jepsen, Scot Shields)
18. Leo Nunez (Dan Meyer, Brian Sanches)
19. Matt Capps (+5) (Tyler Clippard, Brian Bruney, Mike MacDougal)
20. Matt Lindstrom (+10) (Brandon Lyon, Sammy Gervacio)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Chad Qualls– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit LaRoche in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

21. Bobby Jenks (Matt Thornton, J.J. Putz)
22. Trevor Hoffman (-4) )(Carlos Villanueva, Todd Coffey, LaTroy Hawkins)
23. Kevin Gregg (+2) (Jason Frasor, Scott Downs)
24. Octavio Dotel (-6) (Evan Meek, Brendan Donnelly, Joel Hanrahan)
25. Brad Lidge (+4) (Danys Baez, Jose Contreras, Chad Durbin)
26. Franklin Morales (+2) (Manny Corpas, Rafael Betancourt, Huston Street)
27. Chad Qualls (-4) (Juan Gutierrez, Bob Howry)
28. Neftali Feliz (-11) (Frank Francisco, Chris Ray)
29. Chris Perez (-3) (Rafael Perez, Tony Sipp, Kerry Wood)
30. Alfredo Simon (-15) (Cla Meredith, Koji Uehara, Mike Gonzalez, Lester Freamon)

Joe Nathan and Huston Street are gone and everyone moved up.  That’s why people like Matt Capps and Chris Perez have done little but squat on the john yet moved up the rankings.  Though I still managed to find a way to not move up Brian Fuentes.  The way we’re going there won’t be any $12 Salads by May.  Then what?  $8 Side Dishes?  Who needs roasted cauliflower with truffle oil?  Not me!  I’m happy with a baked potato.  Yes, sir!  Hmm… Maybe I shouldn’t write these right before lunch.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Jonathan Papelbon (+1) (Hideki Okajima, Daniel Bard)
2. Mariano Rivera (+1) (Alfredo Aceves, David Robertson, Joba Chamberlain)
3. Jonathan Broxton (+1) (George Sherrill, Ramon Troncoso, Hong-Chih Kuo)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

4. Francisco Rodriguez (+1) (Ryota Igareshi, Jenrry Mejia, Eddie Kunz)
5. Heath Bell (+1) (Mike Adams, Luke Gregerson)
6. Carlos Marmol (+1) (John Grabow, Esmailin Caridad)
7. Joakim Soria (+1) (Juan Cruz, Roman Colon, Kyle Farnsworth)
8. Jose Valverde (+1) (Joel Zumaya, Ryan Perry)
9. David Aardsma (+1) (Mark Lowe, Brandon League)
10. Brian Wilson (+1) (Jeremy Affeldt, Sergio Romo)
11. Francisco Cordero (+1) (Arthur Rhodes, Nick Masset, Jared Burton)
12. Rafael Soriano (+2) (Dan Wheeler, Grant Balfour, J.P. Howell)
13. Billy Wagner (+2) (Takashi Saito, Kris Medlen)
14. Ryan Franklin (+4) (Jason Motte, Josh Kinney)
15. Mike Gonzalez (+7) (Jim Johnson, Cla Meredith)
16. Brian Fuentes (Fernando Rodney, Kevin Jepsen, Scot Shields)
17. Frank Francisco (+3) (Darren O’Day, Chris Ray, Neftali Feliz)
18. Octavio Dotel (+1) (Brendan Donnelly, Joel Hanrahan)
19. Leo Nunez (+1) (Dan Meyer, Brian Sanches)
20. Trevor Hoffman (+3) (Todd Coffey, LaTroy Hawkins)
21. Andrew Bailey (-4) (Michael Wuertz, Brad Ziegler, Joey Devine)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Matt Capps– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Zimmerman in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

22. Bobby Jenks (+3) (Matt Thornton, J.J. Putz)
23. Chad Qualls (+4) (Juan Gutierrez, Bob Howry)
24. Matt Capps (+2) (Brian Bruney, Tyler Clippard, Mike MacDougal)
25. Jason Frasor (+5) (Kevin Gregg, Scott Downs)
26. Chris Perez (+1) (Rafael Perez, Tony Sipp, Kerry Wood)
27. Jon Rauch/Matt Guerrier (-26) Jose Mijares, Francisco Liriano)
28. Franklin Morales (-15) (Manny Corpas, Rafael Betancourt, Huston Street)
29. Ryan Madson (-4) (Danys Baez, Brad Lidge)
30. Matt Lindstrom/Brandon Lyon (-1) (Sammy Gervacio, Ed Wade’s Toupee)

What’s quirkier than a relief pitcher? I’ll tell you what: a stubborn 3-legged beagle. Success as a set-up reliever is so overlooked in real life baseball as well as fake life baseball. These guys are weird; they have crazy superstitions, wear bass-ackwards numbers, and have their own theme music. I want a song for every time I’m introduced that makes no sense. I get that numbers dictate who throws where (success rate vs. batter, lefty/righty and workload), but these are the guys that the managers trust to “save” the game for their team in the 6-8th innings. There is no set rule for drafting MRs (umm… last?). The best advice I can give is to pay attention to trends with managers (La Russa, Torre, Black and Gardenhire are very models of modern major middle reliever Generals). Now, will failing to win Holds ruin your fantasy season if your league uses it? Probably not, but don’t go all Ray Guy — these guys still contribute vital fantasy numbers, decent ratios and K’s. I love Ks, kids scream for them, Al Gore says he invented them. Here is a list of middle men for your fantasy baseball team who will be a decent source for holds and other peripherals. Included, you’ll find a theme song for each guy (what they actually warm up to or what I think they should).

(This week, American league. Next Thursday, NL.)

Matt Guerrier – Last year’s leader in Holds and co-winner of the Arthur Rhodes trophy. Appearances were way up last year; bullpen is way deeper this year. Two to three guys from Minnesota could be top 10 in Holds this year. See next middle man. “Leader of the Pack” Shangri-Las

Jon Rauch – Minnesota –> best bullpen in the league for my money. Rauch is also very tall and a good sleeper for rebounds. “Tall Drink of Water” Barbara Mandrell

Pat Neshek – See previous 2 entries. Love this guy, funky delivery — great against lefties. Year back from TJ surgery. Previous Gardenhire favorite. “Living on a Prayer” Bon Jovi

Jose Mijares – The lefty that gets lost in the group of RH monsters. Completes this dominant setup in front Nathan. “Macarena” Los Del Rio

Jim Johnson – Getting some love as a sleeper for saves; young rotation could let him see a lot of leads. Needs to work on location to be effective. “Closer” Nine Inch Nails

Michael Wuertz – Helped a ton of fantasy teams last year that didn’t count Holds. Awesome ratios and source of K’s. “Safety Dance” Men without Hats

Brad Zeigler – Had a closer’s gig, got injured, Bailey steps in and called him Wally Pipp. Funky delivery — absolutely filthy when healthy. “Walk this Way” Run DMC

Daniel Bard – Flame thrower. Great for K’s. Will be Francona’s RH “big dig” to Papelbon. Great dynasty guy for future. “Next in Line” Children of Bodom

Hideki Okajima – Guy doesn’t even need to look where he is throwing — he is that good. The Zakim bridge for Boston bullpen. Anything would be better than his current theme song.  Look it up.

Brandon League – Finally out of the AL Beast. Seattle is going to win 90 plus. Has nasty pitches, and how can you not like a guy who has both arms “sleeved” up?  “Bulls on Parade” Rage Against the Machine

Mark Lowe – Seattle pen is shaping up as long as Aardsma can repeat. Great ratios, high K promise. He teams with League (above) to form — you guessed it “Sweet n Lowe.” “Ah Sugar” The Archies

Matt Thornton – Filthy lefty with great control. Will be an Ozzie fav out of the pen or on his new Twitter account. “Panama” Van Halen

J.J. Putz – Former closer. May get a chance if Jenks falls off the wagon, again. Elbow issues hopefully behind him. “Thunderstruck” AC/DC

Bobby Seay – Lefty specialist. Tons of one and done appearances. Detroit has sleeper potential type bullpen with Seay, the Guitar Hero, and the son of Journey front man, Steve Perry. “Hypnotize” Notorious B.I.G

Jason Bulger – Equally effective against R/L. Anaheim closer situation may be in flux by May. Could give a Guerrier from ‘09 performance. “Californua Love” Tupac

JP Howell – Thurston’s love child. Very steady last year. Now has a semi-proven closer. Could sure up TB pen. Theme from “Gilligan’s Island”

Dan Wheeler – RH compliment to Howell; will set up Soriano nicely. A veteran presence that is used to pitching with game on the line. “Stiff Upper Lip” AC/DC

Damaso Marte – Lefty in front of the GOAT. Will be Girardi’s “Coke” substitute (and I’m not talking about the white pony). “Mambo Number 5” Lou Bega

David Robertson – Last year’s leader in K/9. Unheralded and shined in playoffs. Will lose some gleam from the Hughes/Joba loser. “Sweet Home Alabama” Skynyrd

Juan Cruz – Great hype entering last year in this role. Injury slowed him; great K potential. Forms a formidable RP core in KC with Rosa in front of Soria. “Eres Tu” Calderon

Others to consider: Scott Downs, Jason Frasor, Kevin Gregg TOR. Darren O’Day, Chris Ray TEX. Chan Ho Park NYY. Jensen Lewis, Rafael Perez, Jess Todd CLE. Fernando Rodney, Kevin Jepsen ANA