Cameron Frye called up Ned Colletti yesterday. He said, “Ned. This is Joc Pederson. Well, we’ve had a bit of bad luck this morning as you may have heard. Matt Kemp got injured.” Ned, “Yeah I heard, and man, I’m all broken up, boy, what a blow.” “Yeah. Yeah. Well, uh, it’s been a tough morning and we got a lot of business to take care of, so if you wouldn’t mind DL’ing Kemp, I’d appreciate it.” “Uh, yeah, sure, I’d be happy to, yeah you, uh, you, you, you just produce a corpse, and uh, I’ll DL Kemp, but I wanna see Salvador Perez’s dead grandmother first.” “Ned?” So, Matt Kemp did hit the DL, which has led to speculation that this will lead to the arrival of Pederson. Last night, the Dodgers played Ethier in center, but that’s not a long-term solution. But, instead of Puig or Pederson, the Dodgers called up…Wait for it… It’s right here… Hold on, I left it in my other pants… Got it! They called up Tony Gwynn Jr.! In other words, the Dodgers suck as badly as Matt Kemp. In other other words, you can grab Pederson in case Gwynn doesn’t pan out, but I wouldn’t hold my breath. In other other other words, the fly me to the moon record is skipping. Oh, and let’s not forget I told you six weeks ago to sell Kemp and ranked him very low in the preseason, so you were warned. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Los Angeles is a town where the only thing better than a great idea is cashing in on the goodwill of that great idea via sequels. So it is no surprise that the Dodgers released a sequel to their 2009 hit, Malcontent Ramirez.Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Pirates announced the time is nigh for Starling Marte. The Pirates equipment manager, Buffalo Bill, has to start making a uniform made from Jose Tabata’s skin. Put the lotion in the basket, Tabata! Tabata, “I wanna go home!” You won’t go home, ever.Please, blog, may I have some more?
I got to thinking and, as with most of my serious introspection, I thought about the old sitcom, Growing Pains. Twenty-five years ago, Mike Seaver stayed home from school and was surprised to see there were TV shows programmed. He didn’t understand it. If he’s usually at school, why are there TV shows?Please, blog, may I have some more?
In the doubleheader, Nate Schierholtz went 6-for-10 with a homer, 2 runs, 3 RBIs, steal and back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-etc. starts from Bochy, go ahead with your big head self! “This is the year Schierholtz breaks out! And fill up my Merlot!” That’s every Giants fan for the last three years. Then within a few weeks, he’s usually hurt. If Schierholtz is indeed German for pantyhose, he sure gets rips in them quickly. Maybe he should bathe in clear nail polish. (See, ladies, Grey doesn’t forget about you.) Schierholtz has power, he just needs to stay healthy. For now, I’d pick him up in all leagues. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Tim Lincecum – Good news: 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 Ks. Bad news: 4 hits, 5 walks, 108 pitches. Reminds me of my stat lines when playing backyard Wiffle Ball. Maybe Timmy needs to throw to a Pitchback instead of a Posey.Please, blog, may I have some more?
We fill out the 2012 fantasy baseball rankings with the last few hitters, the top 5 utility players for 2012 fantasy baseball. Tomorrow we take this mother to one hundred! Not one hundred utility men. The top 100 overall. Then we take this to 300! Again, not 300 utility men. Okay, these players are only eligible at DH aka Utility. Frankly, I don’t think you should draft any of these designated hitters. They don’t allow enough flexibility. For example, what if you had Vladimir Guerrero clogging up your Utility spot last year and you really wanted to pick up Desmond Jennings? You would’ve been wretched, retching on all fours to borrow from The Decemberists. These guys have no position eligibility for fantasy baseball. As with past rankings posts, this top 5 for 2012 will be broken up into tiers, and their 2012 projections will be included. Anyway, here’s the top 5 utility players for 2012 fantasy baseball (they suck, enjoy!):
1.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Justin Morneau is set to return from the disabled list today. We’ll be good if he hits 17 homers in his first at-bat back. Supposing he doesn’t do that, even if supposing makes a supp out of you and me, can Morneau help your team?Please, blog, may I have some more?
While balancing a book on their head, the Blue Jays were poised to call up Brett Lawrie just when he fractured his hand. That’s worst timing than the guy down at your local Chuckles nightclub doing an open mic set. But flip our Supreme Buddha In Funny Poses day calender two months later and the hand is healed. In two weeks at Triple-A since his return, he’s hitting near .350 with a homer. Or as Lawrie would say on Twitter #yabuddy. “You want to convey your emotional state while giving the most information possible, all in under 140 characters.” That’s Lawrie explaining Twitter to his Grammie. Lawrie should be up in the next two weeks. So you have to decide if a .300 hitter with good power and speed at 2nd base is worth sitting on your bench until his call up. #yabuddy Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Hideki Matsui – Hello, time travelers from 2004. You are not in 2004 anymore. You are in 2011. Hideki Matsui is just hitting again. Though that is not Madonna on your radio, that is Lady Gaga.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Some rejected titles were, “Cards Have Jon Jay, Rasmus Have Blue Jays,” “Cards Trade Rasmus For Queen Elizabeth-Visaged Cents On the Dollar,” and “Ervin Santana Threw A No-Hitter, Beltran Was Traded — Hey, Baseball, Spread Some Of Your Breaking Stories Around.” So Colby Rasmus was sent to the Blue Jays, Edwin Jackson was sent to the Cardinals via Chicago and a whole lot of other shizz. Let’s start with Colby. Hey, Geiger, let’s go (to Canada)! Rasmus will move into center field, sending Rajai to the bench. I’m sure Colby will be empathic. “One day we will write a song together titled, “Centerfield” using John Fogerty’s lyrics and music then we will sue him for copyright infringement.” That’s Colby meeting Rajai for the first time. Last week, I was down on Rasmus, in the non-sexual way. Sick of watching him sit on the bench while Pujols farted in his general direction. Now, much like a fugitive from justice, Rasmus has a fresh start in Canada. His value definitely goes from a negative to a positive, Biggie. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Edwin Jackson – Another guy that gets a fantasy boost with a trade. Any time you’re going from the AL to the NL, I like it. Does he suddenly become the meow’s cat? I’m not entirely sure. His NL ERA last year was 5.16, his AL ERA was 3.24. All of his good years have come in the AL. Yeah, he’s a riddle inside of a Sphinx testicle. In deeper leagues or just mixed leagues where you need to gamble, I’d grab Jackson and hope Dave Duncan can do the voodoo that he do.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Desmond Jennings was called up. “No, he wasn’t.” “Yes, he was.” “No.” “Yes!” “Yes!” “No– Wait, I was the one saying yes.” Or so went us, me, you, we for the last two months. Why do we care so much? Because we have a void in our own lives?Please, blog, may I have some more?