Fantasy Baseball Advice

We fill out the 2012 fantasy baseball rankings with the last few hitters, the top 5 utility players for 2012 fantasy baseball.  Tomorrow we take this mother to one hundred!  Not one hundred utility men. The top 100 overall.  Then we take this to 300!  Again, not 300 utility men.  Okay, these players are only eligible at DH aka Utility.  Frankly, I don’t think you should draft any of these designated hitters.  They don’t allow enough flexibility.  For example, what if you had Vladimir Guerrero clogging up your Utility spot last year and you really wanted to pick up Desmond Jennings?  You would’ve been wretched, retching on all fours to borrow from The Decemberists.  These guys have no position eligibility for fantasy baseball.  As with past rankings posts, this top 5 for 2012 will be broken up into tiers, and their 2012 projections will be included.  Anyway, here’s the top 5 utility players for 2012 fantasy baseball (they suck, enjoy!):

1. Billy Butler – This is the first tier.  This tier goes from here until here.  I call this tier, “Look at dem cans!”  (Butler had 11 games at 1st base so he might have eligibility for you there.)  To see Butler’s 2012 projections go to the top 20 1st basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball.

2. David Ortiz – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until here.  I call this tier, “And now you’re hamstrung.”  By the tier name I mean this, Ortiz seems like the only Utility-only player that anyone considers drafting.  People draft Butler, but as a 1st baseman.  So when people draft Ortiz, they really are only getting a Utility-only player.  With no hope of getting a 1st baseman from games played during the season.  Now they have no flexibility.  If you have a guy in your Utility spot all year, you’re hamstrung.  BTW, isn’t it interesting how the word utility means something useful, but for fantasy it’s not?  I swear that sounded interesting in my head before I typed it.  Anyhoo!  2012 Projections:  75/27/90/.270

3. Johnny Damon – (Has 16 games in the outfield, so he might have eligibility there.)  This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until the end of the post.  I call this tier, “You are a damn fool if you draft one of these guys.”  Actually, I can see a scenario where drafting one these guys makes sense.  You join a ten team league with you and nine other teams that are just you using different aliases.  I’d then draft Damon for one of the other teams that you’re sandbagging.  When you beat the nine alias sandbagging teams, the girls will be throwing themselves at your feet.  2012 Projections:  50/12/40/.265/12

4. Vladimir Guerrero – It’s definitely not the age of the DH, huh?  Somewhere Ron Blomberg is rolling over in his grave.  Assuming he’s dead.  If he’s not, looking at the current DHs will kill him.  I hope you’re happy, Vlad!  2012 Projections:  35/15/45/.270

5. Hideki Matsui – “Does he have outfield eligibility?  Does he have a current major league team that is going to play him?”  That could also be this tier’s name.  2012 Projections: crap/that/smells/nasty

Justin Morneau is set to return from the disabled list today.  We’ll be good if he hits 17 homers in his first at-bat back.  Supposing he doesn’t do that, even if supposing makes a supp out of you and me, can Morneau help your team?  Sure, what better way to raise the white flag?  For instance, you keep getting emails from your leaguemates asking if you’re paying attention.  You no longer have to reply to everyone; just put Morneau in your lineup.  Everyone will get the hint.  Of course, I’m only 25% joking.  If Morneau’s on waivers, you may as well pick him up.  If he doesn’t hit, at least he’ll help you empathize with everyone else who had him on their team all year long.  Or maybe you should pick up Morneau because everyone who hasn’t owned him all year will die in ghastly ways like the fantasy baseball version of Final Destination.  ”You weren’t supposed to avoid Morneau this year.  Now he’s coming for you.  Ahhhh!!!”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Cameron Maybin – 2-for-4 with his 7th homer and 28th and 29th steals.  Now who’s Shane and who’s Feign Victorino?  Shane might be Feign and Maybin might be Shane.  The rain in Spain falls mostly on the plain.  Lovers wanna meet Virginia, Train.  EPMD dropped Jane in the refrain and Buehrle should buy a Corvette for DeWayne — Wise!  The preceding was fantasy baseball advice told to me by Twista.

Cory Luebke – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  SPOILER ALERT:  He’s not in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but he could be.

Mike Morse – Went for an MRI after being hit by a Ryan Dempster pitch.  The MRI revealed it was a left elbow contusion.  Then the MRI revealed it likes to play hacky sack and loves Chinese food.  If there’s any MRIs with similar likes, they should go on a date.

Arthur Rhodes – The Cardinals signed the 41-year-old lefty.  At the press conference, he said, “I’m getting too old for this sh*t.”

Justin Verlander – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Has a 2.35 ERA and a 0.87 WHIP.  Pretty incredible that both of those numbers are below Miggy’s BAC.

Curtis Granderson – Hit his 32nd homer.  Or his 4th homer in the last three games.  Or twelve months after I owned him in every league!

Robinson Cano – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 20th homer with a .303 average. In the preseason I said, “I like him in the 2nd round, but not in the first round.  Usually I can build up enough venom for even the nicest of players if I think they’re overrated.  I had a real hard time getting totally down on Cano, in the non-sexual way.  His skill set tells me that he’s a 25-homer, .310 hitter.”  And that’s me quoting me!  So far I look right and wrong.  He is a 25 homer, .310 hitter, but there were so many landmines in the 1st round this year that Cano actually merits some recognition for not disappointing.

Mariano Rivera – Got the save yesterday but also gave up a run for the third straight game.  His arm would have to fall off for him to lose the job, but maybe 1192 career innings was his agreed upon limit with the devil.

Ryan Zimmerman – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer.  Speaking of landmines in the early rounds of a draft, what a turd sandwich this guy’s season has been.  For some unwelcome perspective, Zimmerman:  6 homers and 27 RBIs — Aramis Ramirez:  21 homers and 71 RBIs.  Bummerman.

Jordan Zimmermann – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Looks like an unprepared runner finishing their first marathon, limping to his innings limit finish line with his nipples bleeding earned runs.

J.P. Arencibia – 1-for-4 with a home run.  Guess how many homers he has?  Go ahead, I’ll wait.  *scratches chin, taps finger, cracks neck, makes an upside down West Side gang sign to the mailman*  Oh, forget it!  He has 19 homers!  Crazy, right?

Hideki Matsui – 4-for-6, 2 runs and 2 RBIs.  This is a win for Godzilla, anime and porn.  Not Godzilla anime porn though; gross!

Jeff Niemann – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Since July 1st, his ERA is 1.72.  As Dave Hester would say, “Yuuuuuuup!”

Juan Gutierrez – Tranfered from the 15-day DL to the 60-day DL.  I transfered him from my “I don’t care” list to my “I really don’t care” list.

Melky Cabrera – 3-for-5 and his 15th steal, while raising his average to .309.  I can think of one outfielder that is definitely going disappoint next year.  His name rhymes with Welky Wabrera.

Jhoulys Chacin – 8 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Sonavabench!  Sometimes I wish a pitcher would just become totally unusable rather than go from good to bad back to good and make it impossible to know when to start him.

Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Of course he has a 1.97 ERA on the year.  Why wouldn’t he?  I mean, Dan Uggla has a 31 game hitting streak. Now I will put shoes on my hands and walk upside down into a nail salon and get a manicure on my toes.  Cause that all makes sense in opposite world.

While balancing a book on their head, the Blue Jays were poised to call up Brett Lawrie just when he fractured his hand.  That’s worst timing than the guy down at your local Chuckles nightclub doing an open mic set.  But flip our Supreme Buddha In Funny Poses day calender two months later and the hand is healed.  In two weeks at Triple-A since his return, he’s hitting near .350 with a homer.  Or as Lawrie would say on Twitter #yabuddy.  “You want to convey your emotional state while giving the most information possible, all in under 140 characters.”  That’s Lawrie explaining Twitter to his Grammie.  Lawrie should be up in the next two weeks.  So you have to decide if a .300 hitter with good power and speed at 2nd base is worth sitting on your bench until his call up.  #yabuddy  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Hideki Matsui – Hello, time travelers from 2004.  You are not in 2004 anymore.  You are in 2011.  Hideki Matsui is just hitting again.  Though that is not Madonna on your radio, that is Lady Gaga.

Alejandro De Aza – Speaking of Lady Gaga, it’s Alejandro who’s not hot like Mexico.  He’s hot like a bagel that was toasted 15 minutes ago.  He could steal some bases like a motivated Alex Rios once did, that’s about it.

Collin Cowgill – I just went over my Cowgill fantasy.  I wrote it while picking through my garbage for my accidentally discarded contact lens.

Lucas Duda – It’s nice to have all the buys in one place, right?  I mean you guys (and three girls) do realize I go over just about all of these players all week long.  Just the other day, I was blabbering about how it’s Duda’s day and we’re off to the camptown races.  Duda, Duda, day!  Duda, Duda, day!  Duda, Duda, day!  Duda– Sorry, record was skipping.

Jason Bourgeois – Could be the best steals guy since Alex Sanchez stole 52 bases with nothing but a pair of used Keds and steroids.  He’s a must own as long as he’s starting – though Jason resents the implication that ‘owning’ him means he’s part of the proletariat.  You’ve been Marxed!

Jon Jay – From Bourgeois to a revolutionary diplomat, bring down the wall…between you and the light-hitting outfielders and Putin Jay!

Josh Reddick – Right now, he’s hitting like he’s getting tips directly from Ted Williams’ frozen head.  “I’m so cold, I think I see dead people.”  That’s a worker at a cryogenic lab getting a laugh from his co-workers.  Are we having a laugh?

Dexter Fowler – Hitting near .400 in the last week.  Why won’t you pick up Fowler?  Chicken?

Eduardo Nunez – Five steals in the last week.  It’s as simple as 1, 2, SAGNOF!

Jason Kipnis – Has started 3 times since he’s been called up and done a whole lot of nothing.  Call it a career!  He’s done!  Or maybe you give him a few more days.  You’re so reactionary, but that’s also why we get along so well.  Or is it?

Yonder Alonso – I just went over my Yonder Alonso fantasy.  I write it while being screamed at by Wally Backman.

Derrek Lee – Hello again, 2004 time traveler!  Don’t adjust your calender.  Derrek Lee is simply hitting again.  Oh, and we no longer refer to Lindsay Lohan as a star or Brittany Murphy as alive.

Edwin Jackson – Back in the league where he’s had little to no success, he’s bound to either prove us wrong or right.  Really, is there any other way?

Jeff Niemann – I told you to grab him last week.  You didn’t tune me out, did you?  I hate when you do that.  Maybe we should see other people.  I hear fantasy baseball (fill-in word for expert) dot com just broke up with their significant other.

James McDonald – Him and Maholm should think about why they’re so available in fantasy leagues.  It just seems, I don’t know, desperate.

Mike Adams – Grab him for potential saves and, if you also own Jon Jay, you can change your team name to The Waiver Wire Fore-Fodders.

Octavio Dotel – Salas has been fine in the closer job, but two hiccups and one mention of how much he liked Rasmus and Dotel could see looks.

Matt Lindstrom – Another totally speculative pick up in case of a trade.  Do I really think Huston Street gets traded?  No, probably not, but you just need to hold Lindstrom until Monday, then drop him if there’s no movement.  Hehe, I said movement.  Also, I could’ve put Bobby Parnell here.  Hey, look, I just did!

Edward Mujica – Looking more and more (and more?) like Nunez isn’t going to be traded, but, just in case, why not grab Mujica?  And instead of chewing gum, chew bacon.

SELL

Ian Stewart – Consider Chris Davis here too.  These guys owe me at least five hours of my life back for the amount of times I’ve picked up and dropped them.  To think I once christened Stewart with the Mini-Mini Donkey nickname.  You, sir, are no donkey.  Mini-Mini or otherwise.

Ryan Roberts – This drop is more for mixed leagues.  You and Roberts had a good run.  You originally thought you were drafting Brian Roberts and it turned out much better than you could’ve ever expected.  Now it’s time to move on.

Alfonso Soriano – Member back in April when I kept telling you how good he was?  Because he’s good in April.  We’re pretty far removed from then.  Right now at the plate, Gordon Shumway Soriano looks like he’s on the wrong planet.

Ian Desmond – Alas, he never got on track this year.  Has 3 homers and a .220-something average.  Steals or no steals, that’s p to the athetic.  To be clear, when I wear my flowery doily dress that I nicknamed my Desmond tutu, it’s for Jennings.

Some rejected titles were, “Cards Have Jon Jay, Rasmus Have Blue Jays,” “Cards Trade Rasmus For Queen Elizabeth-Visaged Cents On the Dollar,” and “Ervin Santana Threw A No-Hitter, Beltran Was Traded — Hey, Baseball, Spread Some Of Your Breaking Stories Around.”  So Colby Rasmus was sent to the Blue Jays, Edwin Jackson was sent to the Cardinals via Chicago and a whole lot of other shizz.  Let’s start with Colby.  Hey, Geiger, let’s go (to Canada)!  Rasmus will move into center field, sending Rajai to the bench.  I’m sure Colby will be empathic.  “One day we will write a song together titled, “Centerfield” using John Fogerty’s lyrics and music then we will sue him for copyright infringement.”  That’s Colby meeting Rajai for the first time.  Last week, I was down on Rasmus, in the non-sexual way.  Sick of watching him sit on the bench while Pujols farted in his general direction.  Now, much like a fugitive from justice, Rasmus has a fresh start in Canada.  His value definitely goes from a negative to a positive, Biggie.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Edwin Jackson – Another guy that gets a fantasy boost with a trade.  Any time you’re going from the AL to the NL, I like it.  Does he suddenly become the meow’s cat?  I’m not entirely sure.  His NL ERA last year was 5.16, his AL ERA was 3.24.  All of his good years have come in the AL.  Yeah, he’s a riddle inside of a Sphinx testicle.  In deeper leagues or just mixed leagues where you need to gamble, I’d grab Jackson and hope Dave Duncan can do the voodoo that he do.

Octavio Dotel – To the Cards.  I actually grabbed Dotel for potential saves in a few leagues because La Russa is as predictable as the weather….if you’re not told the location or the season.

Jon Jay – Should now see the majority of the starts in the outfield…Hmm, actually he was seeing the majority of the starts in the outfield.  I’m sure La Russa will find a way to work Corey Patterson into the equation, and that equation for him is Happiness = CF – Rasmus.  Kinda cute how much everyone wants to now own (anagrams!) The Federalist, whose line is 30/7/26/.312/5 through 260 ABs.  That looks pretty yawnstipating to me.  As a 5th outfielder, I guess you can do worse.  Speaking of which…

Rajai Davis – 1-for-3 with 2 steals as he makes a last ditch effort to prove his worth, but he now becomes a late inning replacement in Toronto.  Unless La Russa is traded to the Jays.

Mark Teahen – Was traded too.  So he’s still in baseball?  Good for him.

Marc Rzepcynzki – Traded to the Cardinals, disappointing many Scrabblophiles who were hoping he’d be traded to the White Sox to partner with A.J. Pierzynski and make Ozzie Guillen’s head explode.

Carlos Beltran – To the Giants.  Beltran’s a bigger name than Rasmus in real baseball, but for fantasy this move is lateral.  Pitchers park to pitchers park, weak lineup to weak lineup, both teams have employees with monstrous heads (Mr. Met and Bruce Bochy).  Mets or Giants is tomato/tomahto or in baseball parlance Jonny/Jhonny.

Brandon Belt – With the addition of Beltran, sounds like Belt’s being demoted.  You’d think the Giants’ pants would have loops big enough for two belts.

Lucas Duda – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer.  Will now be the guy to replace Beltran.  It’s Duda’s day, camptown races sing that song!  The positives: as just mentioned, he’s playing.  The negatives:  he hasn’t done anything so far this year — 2 homers, 1 steal in 123 ABs.  In Metco, he could have 20+ homer power over the course of a full season.  I wouldn’t pick him up in most mixed leagues until he gets hot, which could be never or Friday if he hits another homer.

Daniel Murphy – 11 for his last 17.  That’s about as hot as a schmotato gets.

Mike Pelfrey – 9 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Geez, the Mets played yesterday like Beltran was Milton Bradley (the baseball player, not the fun for all ages one) — a tumor that just needed to be excised.  I’d continue to ignore Pelfrey, unless he shows up at your door with some imported beer and The Wire DVDs.

Carlos Zambrano – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  This trade deadline story made me giggle.  The Yankees went on record to say they have no interest in Zambrano.  “We’re not going to sit here and specify what players we have or don’t have interest in, except for Zambrano.  No, thank you!”  Maybe the Post can do the title, “Big Z-ero Interest.”

Rickie Weeks – To the 15-day DL with a badly twisted ankle or it might be… Duh-duh-duh… Ligament damage!  But I’m not a doctor though my handwriting is illegible.

James Shields – 4 IP, 10 ER.  Ouch.  Wait, what?  Oh, Jesus Guzman, that’s bad.

Hideki Matsui – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 9th homer.  He came to be called Godzilla because of monstrous homers and acne.  Well, he’s still got the acne and lately some homers.

Joe Mauer – Hit his first homer of the year.  Now only three off the Pinto pace car Morneau.  Or the same number of homers a 40-year-old Giambi managed in one game earlier this year.  How can Gardy ever get over losing Nick Punto when Mauer’s power stroke is always there to remind him?

Alex Rios – The White Sox are indefinitely benching Rios for indefinitely sucking this year.  His current 52 OPS+ is in the running for the WORST OF season ever.  If you’re in a mixed league and held onto Rios this long, just say Adios Rios already.   The White Sox still owe him $38 million over the next 3 years so they’re left saying “Ay Dios Rios!” while they wait for the 2006-2008 and 2010 Rios to reappear.  Between Rios and Wells, if the Blue Jays ever offer Bautista and his $65 million contract to you in a trade, DON’T TAKE IT!

Alejandro De Aza – 1-for-4 with a home run as he started in center.  In the minor leagues, he showed very little power and some speed.  He’s just a’ight.  I’m not your babe, I’m not your babe, Alejandro.

John Danks – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Hasn’t allowed more than two runs since May (granted, there was a DL stint in there).  Now would be as good a time as any to pick him up.

Ryan Raburn – 0-for-3 with a strikeout, now has a .259 OBP as he hit second.  You know he only hit second because Leyland always bats his left fielder (Boesch) 2nd and Raburn was filling in for him.  My theory’s holding true that, with the rise of cigarette prices, Leyland has been forced to use his extra lineup cards for tobacco rolling paper.  So he only has one lineup card and he just puts players in the same lineup spot as the player they are replacing.

Justin Upton – 2 homers.  He’s on one of those streaks that would impress A-Rod’s hair stylist.  You know, the one that frosts his tips.

Ian Stewart – 0-for-4, hitting .137.  Him and Chris Davis should go on a cruise together to the Bermuda Triangle.

Ichiro Suzuki – 4-for-5, 2 steals.  M’s must’ve worn their 2010 throwback jerseys.

Mike Carp – 4-for-5, 4 RBIs.  He really seized the day.

Dustin Ackley – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs, hitting .301 in 123 ABs.  Let’s hope he doesn’t ask Smoak for his secret to a successful sophomore year.

Paul Maholm – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks.  His ERA in May was 2.14, 3.13 in June and 3.09 in July.  That seems like enough time to pick him up, but his ownership is at 10% in ESPN.  You people have analysis paralysis or your waiver wire mouse finger is in a cast?

Garrett Jones – Hit his 10th homer, but Jerry Meals called it a triple.

Billy Butler – 3-for-5 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  Gotta like the cut of that guy’s manssiere.

Eric Hosmer – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and a homer.  Is now batting near .500 in the last week with only one game in the last 9 days that he had less than 2 hits.  After hitting no homers and .253 in June, he’s on fire in July.  What an odyssey for Hosmer.

Laynce Nix – Hit a homer for the 2nd game in a row.  When he rounds home plate, he should make the Y sign from the YMCA dance.

Drew Storen – 1 IP, 2 ER.  Kazaam!

Ricky Romero – 8 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  As frequent commenter, Steve said, “The Orioles got Rick Ro’d.”

Ervin Santana – With the no-hitter yesterday.  The Sciosciapath said, “What can I say?  Bobby Wilson just knows how to call a game.  See, I taught him everything I refused to teach Napoli.”  With no hits and 10 Ks, there wasn’t a whole lot for the fielders to do.  Maybe that’s a waste of Angels, I don’t know.

Desmond Jennings was called up. “No, he wasn’t.” “Yes, he was.” “No.” “Yes!” “Yes!” “No– Wait, I was the one saying yes.” Or so went us, me, you, we for the last two months. Why do we care so much? Because we have a void in our own lives? Oh, you meant it more why do we care about Jennings so much, gotcha. He’s the number one prospect in baseball for fantasy, according to Grey Albright, Fantasy Master Lothario. There’s guys that can hit with more power. There’s pitchers that have great stuff, but speed translates easiest to the majors and Jennings gets a lot of his value from his legs. Also, he’s had a great OBP through the minors, so getting on base shouldn’t be an issue. Then you throw in his teen homer power and you’re looking at a guy that could be B.J. Upton without the phantasmagorically bad average.  Call the engraver, we need a plaque for Cooperstown!  As with all rookies — or rooks if you have a short attention span — there’s the chance he falls flat on his face or steps on a rake and isn’t good until next year. Wasn’t like he set the world on fire last September when he was used off the bench (.190 average, 0 homers in 21 ABs with 2 steals). For his huge upside, you should take a flyer on him in every league. Yeah, even yours. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

B.J. Upton – As the Rays started the Jennings’ arbitration clock, they also started the Upton nice-knowing-you clock.

Alex Cobb – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks.  The Tampa Bay Peach was much better in the minor leagues this year than he’s been in the majors, and he hasn’t been too bad in the majors.  Decent flyer in deeper leagues, but he’s not guaranteed anything.  Like all of us.  Geez, that’s dark.

Zack Cozart – Just when I drop my other shortstops, deciding to roll with Cozart, he goes and gets hurt.  I know, here’s the world’s smallest violin.  Here’s you putting the world’s smallest violin on eBay and when someone meets the opening bid of one cent, they’ll play it for me.

Mike Carp – Hit two homers this weekend while maintaining his tilde .250.  BTW, someone who raises you but isn’t your mother?  Matilde.  You’re welcome, English language.  I’m making you better.

Adrian Beltre – To the DL with hammy issues.  Know who else had hammy issues?  Kermit the Frog.

Chris Davis – Called up to replace Beltre.  Someone change Bill James’s sheets!

Josh Collmenter – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Through 92 innings, has a 0.93 WHIP.  That’s good.  More impressively, he’s only walked one batter in his last 21 innings.

Chase Headley – I refused to own him this year…Actually, besides Bartlett, I’ve abstained from Padre hitters.  And Bartlett just for speed.  So I wasn’t exactly following Headley’s season.  Any the hoo!  He has 3 homers on the year!!!  (Extra exclamation marks provided by my 14-year-old niece.)   And he has only two homers since April 2nd.  Your deity of choice, that’s terrible.

Phil Hughes – He was in Friday’s Buy column then he went out and served you lunch in a Port-A-John.  Totally 20/20 hindsight here, but would I start him every time out?  Nope.  Do I still think he should be owned in most leagues?  Yup.  Should he be owned in your league?  Mupe.  That’s colloquial for maybe.

J.P. Arencibia – Hit three homers this weekend to bring his season total to 15.  The funny thing — and by ‘funny’ I mean not funny at all — people ask me if I like so-and-so catcher better than so-and-so catcher, and in my head I’m like, “It’s a catcher.  Just put him in your slot and stop picking the scab.”  Unless we’re talking about the difference in McCann and Chris Iannetta, there’s very little separating most catchers.  Yet, this seems impossible to get through to people.

Eric Chavez – As the trading deadline approaches, Eric Chavez is the one player that no teams are interested in.

Gio Gonzalez – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER in The House They Built Next To The House Ruth Built.  You’re basically drinking jungle juice straight from a bathtub if you started him here.

Hideki Matsui – 5-for-5.  I almost included him in hitters that had a big 2nd half last year, but I didn’t think it was possible for a repeat.  I figured he was too old, too tired and too effin’ blind from his huge porn collection.  He’s now hitting over .400 in the last week with 2 homers.  He also dedicated this big game to his anime-inspired wife.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs as he stays hot.  He’s now hit in almost as many consecutive games as there are syllables in his name.

Dustin Pedroia – Sawx scored 12 runs and Dusty went 1-for-5 with a run.  Ticker tease!

Tim Stauffer – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER in Citizens Flank.  See Gonzalez, Gio or 2 inches above.

Mike Trout – Not to be shown up by Carp, Trout went deep for the first time in his career.  Somewhere, Kevin Bass is smiling.  Trout’s also hitting .179, so there’s that.

Marlon Byrd – 4-for-5 yesterday and 2-for-3 with a home run on Saturday.  Member in the preseason when you drafted Byrd as your 5th outfielder?  Yeah, he could still do that.

Carlos Lee – 4-for-8 over the last two days with a homer.  First Byrd, now Carlos Lee — it’s like I found this roundup in a time capsule.

Adam Jones – Yesterday, a slam and legs to go with 2 homers over the weekend.  Next year, he’s gonna be 26 years old.  Giddy up.

Mike Stanton – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer this weekend.  He’s younger than the youngest Culkin brother.  Yup.

Emilio Bonifacio – Hitting streak at 23 games.  Imagine he broke Joe Dimaggio’s hit streak?  Baseball historians, sporting tweed jackets, would be jumping out of windows all over our fine nation.

Gaby Sanchez – Hit three homers over the weekend.  He (she?) is having one of those borderline seasons.  In NL-Only leagues, you’re more than happy.  In mixed leagues, you’re kinda meh.

David Wright – 3-for-4 with his first home run since he returned on Friday.  Don’t want to jinx him by saying he looks like he hasn’t missed a beat, and not totally sure if it’s a jinx just by saying I don’t want to jinx him.

Bobby Parnell – 1 IP, 2 ER.  When you don’t have the closing job, but you’re trying to get it, it’s not the best move to blow a game.  Maybe he should switch to Bob or Robert to try and instill some confidence.  Bobby’s a child; this is a man’s game!

Antonio Bastardo – Got the save yesterday.  Manuel just got on the phone with the bullpen and said he didn’t care which bastard came in and Antonio warmed up.  Madson had also saved the previous two games.

Chase Utley – Hit 2 homers on Saturday.  I hope it’s the start of something magical that would make his pomade-fueled hair proud, but sadly I think his best days are behind him.

Colby Rasmus – 2-for-4 with a home run.  In an odd turn of events, Rasmus started.  And for the Cardinals.  Geiger, let’s go!

Francisco Liriano – 2 1/3 IP, 4 ER.  If someone asks if they should still own this schmohawk, they should just put their password in the comments and I’ll drop him for you.

Justin Upton – 9 for his last 11 with 9 RBIs and 2 homers.  Still enough season left for him to make his case for being a top five draft pick next year.  Go ahead scoff, you scoffer.  But if he gets to 30/20 with a .290 average, at the age of 24 you’re going to doubt him?

Brett Cecil – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I’m warning you now, I’m gonna like him a lot going into next year.  You know, I like high-K, sexy pitchers that are totally inconsistent.  These guys are the insane, hot girls that you wanna date but you really shouldn’t.  Your friend, “You should break up with her.”  “We all have our quirks…”  Your friend, “She just set your car on fire.”  “But she has great breasts!”

Adam Dunn – Went 3-for-16 (.188) this week to raise his average to .160.  My man’s on fire!

Justin Masterson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  I continue to watch every start of his with my hands in front of my eyes.  Somehow, his ERA is 2.57.

Michael Pineda – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER as the Mariners losing streak hits 15 games.  That’s an impressive skid mark.