Do you remember those Will Smith albums? Yikes – hard to believe he actually does serious movies. As in, “seriously?” Like Seven Pounds. ”Oh I want to donate my heart to some chick with a heart problem that somehow got affected by my texting and driving accident. So why don’t I hop into a bathtub with an extremely toxic jellyfish – that’ll make my heart just fine for a transplant, right?” Seriously this got greenlit! Oh – spoiler alert! Wait, isn’t that supposed to be before you say what happened? Work on your timing!
Well the Fresh Prince of Milwaukee (wait strike that, you can’t call another Brewer “Prince”…) Wily Peralta burst onto the scene last year with huge power stuff, then Sky went out and wrote a sleeper piece on the big guy before the season started, and it looked like Sky would be the butt of our jokes early this season. And my, besides writing on Bartolo Colon, tough to get more butt. Ok I kid – as a Brewers fan I can tell you Peralta is just an overall big dude – he’s not sporting a David Wells gut. Please, blog, may I have some more?
There are always guys that you can grab for some extra speed if you need it, and this week we’ll look at a few more players who are not widely owned but who may be able to contribute some steals to your lineup. After batting .000 last week with my picks of Michael Saunders and Aaron Hicks, we’ll dig a little deeper in the waiver wire pile for some speed. Hicks can’t seem to hit the broad side of a barn, and Saunders, who was off to a great start, decided to play chicken with the right field wall and is now sidelined for about a month. Let’s take a look at this week’s speedsters and let’s hope for some better luck… Please, blog, may I have some more?
Before you read this, I want you to go outside and look at the birds chirping. Smell the freshly-cut grass. Look up at the sun that your deity of choice made from a very large matchstick. Pat your kid on the head and tell them, “I don’t love you any more today than I did yesterday, but let’s act like I do because I won’t see you for a good six months because baseball’s back.” One more time with caps lock bringing the enthusiasm, BASEBALL IS BACK. As frequent commenter, Eric W. said, “I keep getting excited for opening night Sunday, then have to remind myself it is the Astros vs the Rangers. It’s kinda like getting to open one present on Xmas Eve and getting socks.” Yay — baseball! It’s the Astros vs. the Rangers. Okay, lowercase yay. But it’s a rivalry that dates back to Sam Houston! Don’t remember that? You should’ve rented a car at Alamo last night. Am I mixing up commercials? Eh, who cares? I’m excited! Texas is the largest state in the 48 contiguous states, it’s just too bad baseball is its third most popular sport behind football and “shootin’ empty Shiner cans.” Whatever. Baseball is back and even Selig’s badly-shorn toupee can’t change that. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball: Please, blog, may I have some more?
This post is about 3000 words due to wanting to cover everyone. Stupid, OCD! OCD Voice, “Don’t forget to touch your elbow 75 times before ranking these guys, it’s good luck!” Due to its length, I’ll get right to the good stuff. All the 2013 fantasy baseball rankings are there. All 2013 Fantasy Baseball Position Eligibility is there. All 2013 fantasy baseball sleepers are there. All 2013 fantasy baseball rookies are there. All 2013 fantasy baseball dollar values are there. All 2013 fantasy baseball hitter projections are there. All 2013 fantasy baseball pitcher projections are there. And everything tangentially related to nonsense is there. Anyway, here’s the top 100 starters for 2013 fantasy baseball: Please, blog, may I have some more?
Maybe we shut down pitchers after they throw a perfect game, instead of debating a Stephen Strasburg skin tag and whether we should have it checked out. This isn’t entirely fantasy related, but there was like seven games yesterday, so bear with me. Please, blog, may I have some more?
It’s time for us as a people to start makin’ some changes. Let’s change the way we eat, let’s change the way we live and let’s change the way we treat each other. You see the old way wasn’t working so it’s on us to do what we gotta do, to survive. Please, blog, may I have some more?
As I announced yesterday after inferring things from elsewhere, it’s official. Anthony Rizzo will be in tonight’s lineup vs. the Mets. I’d continue to paint the walls of your brain with more praise, but I think we’ve heard enough. If I effuse anymore, you Rizzo owners aren’t going to be able to get into your pants anymore. Let’s look at reality for a second, last year he hit 1 homer and .141 in 49 games and 128 ABs. I didn’t make those numbers up. I seriously just looked them up on the Al Gore-invented Internet. One homer, .141 average. That sounds downright Zimmermanian. Sure, it was in Petco (for his home games), and the only one that likes to hit there is Tony Gwynn and he’s hitting the buffet. Is it totally outta the realm of possibility that Anthony falls flatso? Noppers. Right now, Rizzo might be at the height of his value. Say you have Konerko, Middlebrooks and really no room for Rizzo, except by clogging up your Utility spot. I wouldn’t hold onto Rizzo waiting for his value to possibly drop out. It might take alligator blood to trade Rizzo right now, but to the bold go the fantasy spoils, or whatever that cliche is. This is not to say I think he will Triple Lindy back into Triple-A, but it’s out there as a possibility. You didn’t just back up into Miguel Cabrera off of waivers. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Travis Wood – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. You know something the media hasn’t covered much? What a great year it is for pitchers with double entendre last names. We haven’t seen anything like this since The Big Unit tried a backdoor cutter. Wood has a K:BB 35:20 in 48 1/3 IP. That’s fine for NL-Only leagues, but I’d be careful letting Wood poke around my mixed league team. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Nothing makes fantasy owners more excited than a pitcher with K-binges. Every time a pitcher flashes a huge K rate with sub-par ERAs and WHIPs, everyone goes rushing in drafts the following year trying to pick them up.
Think about it. Max Scherzer is still got everyone teeming with excitement despite his 5.17 ERA and Yovani Gallardo still can’t get it all together, yet is always big haul on draft day. While chicks dig the longball, fantasy owners dig the K. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Another week in the books, my fellow pretend baseball heads. The chase for wins continues this week with a stellar group of entries comprised of 9 guys whose combined career starts don’t even equal the other person’s. I can’t even remember what I was doing in 1986 when Jamie Moyer started his first game. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Now that Lance Berkman is on the DL, I’m going to read from your rankings. Random Italicized Voice, I’m not here to talk about the past. Is it true or is it not true that after Mr. Bungling Berkman in 2011, you said to avoid him this year? Please, blog, may I have some more?