Fantasy Baseball Advice

Allow me an ignorant rant: If you are a baseball fan you know this is the most important time of the year outside of October. Interleague play has taken over MLB and it represents a very important part of baseball: the fans. The people who buy the $4 hot dogs and $8 beers. Sure you may think interleague play is just to sell tickets, but fans buy tickets! People love rivalries and when its time for the Arizona Diamondbacks to play the Kansas City Royals IN KANSAS CITY–well, as a fan I just need to be there. You can taste the bad blood between Willie Bloomquist and Billy Butler. And what fan isn’t in attendance or watching at home when the Mariners are taking on the Colorado Rockies. Hipsters and cowboys alike all watch with anticipation as these heated rivals duke it out. You can just tell Ichiro HATES Carlos Gonzalez, and you can cut that tension with a knife. Let’s not forget Cleveland and Miami duking it out to settle….Um……Well…Who gets LeBron back?

In all seriouslyness, there are some very cool rivalries taking place this weekend including the North and South sides of Chicago squaring off for the title of “Worst Baseball Team,” The Boston Red Sox and Philadelphia Phillies try and decide whose fans are drunker and whose are more obnoxious? And clearly every Oriole in the clubhouse already hates Bryce Harper. So, there’s that.  Here’s what happened in fantasy baseball last night:  **Extra Special Interleague Edition**

Justin Verlander - Complete game 1-hit shutout, 12 Ks. Brought a no-no into the ninth, buh Josh Harrison broke it up with 2 outs left. Asked about the tough luck, Verlander shook it off and just stressed how great interleague play is. For the fans.

Delmon Young - Everyone (except Mel Gibson’s) favorite angry outfielder went 2-for-4 with 3 RBIs. After the game, he was spotted getting his picture taken with the Hank Greenberg statue.

Paul Konerko – Hit a first inning HR off Jeff Samardzija. Jeff Samardzija came back out in the third and was all like, “Oh yeah? In yo’ face, Paul Konerko!” Literally, pitchslapping him. The injury sounds like it’s going to be just some minor bruising, i.e., Konerko should be fine. For seriouslyness, it couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy and I hope all is okay. At least he seems like a nice guy, I only read the box scores.

Addison Reed – Got his 4th save. 4-for-4 in save opportunities since taking the job, that one 6 ER Kazaam! has been his only misstep. Reed is the man for now.

Kerry Wood – Ended his career this afternoon by striking out the only batter he faced. It was 19 off from his career high, but whatevs we’ll let it slide. Finishes his career with a 10.3 strikeouts per 9.0 IP rate, 2nd in ML history. He left to a standing ovation and a hug with his sonny. It was such a nice moment, it made Cubs fan forget how bad he’s been this season. Ahhhh, warm embraces with father and son and interleague matchups, this is what baseball is about people.

J.P. Arencibia – 3-for-5 with 6 RBIs, 2 HRs. His third straight game with homer run! ALL HE DOES IS HIT HOME RUNS! Is your fantasy team in need of home runs!? Need a catcher? Why not pick up J.P. Arencibia!

Rajai Davis – 2-for-4 with 2 HRs and 4 RBis. Not sure why I’m telling you, you don’t own him anyway.

Yan Gomes – 1-for-2 with a HR as the Jays absolutely crushed the Mets putting up 14 runs. Grey covered Gomes yesterday. If he continues hitting, and more importantly, playing, Yanny the singer/songwriter/baseball player could be a sneaky add with his catcher eligibility. He also plays a number of positions (none very well I read). Make sure you monitor closely.

Andy Pettitte- Yankees combined to shutout the Reds. Pettitte pitch 8 IP with 9 K. Wow. Might be worth a look, he gets the Royals next week. Pettitte added that he agreed with Justin Verlander about how awesome interleague play is…for the fans.

Robinson Cano – 2-for-3 with his 4th home run. Still one more than Albert! Robbie, Robbie getting hits like it’s his hobby. No–like it’s his jobby! It’s actually his jobby.

Adrian Gonzalez – 1-for-4 with just his 3rd home run. I’m sure that .273 average should go up well above .300 but I’m not sure Adrian is the 30+ home run player we all once thought he was. 25 seems more realistic. I say this because he’s on my team and I’m in my 5th stage: acceptance.

Martin Prado – 2-for-4 with a HR and 3 runs. Now has a 10 game hitting streak and 6 straight multi-hit games. Martin Bravo is more like it! Right?!

Edwin Jackson – 8.0 innings pitched 1 ER with 8 Ks but the Nats can’t muster any offense and lose in extra innings with a Nick Markakis Sparkakis. Oh, but the K’s, the glorious Ks! I’m not sorry, Mr. Jackson, I’ll take this fantasy start any day of the week.

Heath Bell – Pitched a clean 9th inning to get his 4th save. If you still own Cishek or Mujica it may be safe to drop now. Carlos Zambrano earned his second straight win 7.0 IP, 2 ER, 2 K. Ozzie Guillen loves Carlos Zambrano magic, he said he reminds him of a young Fidel Castro. No wait–Heath Bell said that. Will he lose the closer’s job now!?

Adrian Beltre – 2-for-3 and 2 RBIs with his 8th HR. Yo, Adrian! You did it. (I promise that’ll be my only Rocky joke.) Josh Hamilton stole a base, but went homer-less. Pathetic.  You can’t win, Hamilton!  (Sorry.)

Krispie Young – Returned from DL to DH and went 1-for-4 with a 2 run double. It’s good to have Krispie back, he is good at baseball (*Pro Tip!). His BFF Justin Upton (they are best friends in my mind, at least) went 2-for-3 with 3 runs. J-Ups is slowly but surely making me feel better for drafting him so high, he’s just happy to have his best friend back.

Kevin Millwood –  Complete game 2-hit shutout of Rockies at Coors. His complete game first in 9 years! He struck out 7.  Prince, “He’s pitching like it’s 1999.”

Ryan Braun – 3-for-4 with the slam and legs and a side of mash (3 hits!). Mmmmm, breakfast food!

Denard Span – 4-for-5 with 3 runs and 3 RBIs in his return from a hamstring injury. Pretty good, I guess but I’d be more impressed if he stole a base, too. The Twins owned this game as Joe Mauer, Josh Willingham and Justin Morneau all chipped in multi-hit efforts. Grey was right! Those Twins are hot-hitting! PICK UP ALL THE TWINS!  Except Dozier.  Snooze.

Mike Trout – 3-for-4 with a stolen base and a triple. If you are fishing for a compliment, Mike Trout, no need. You are quite the catch. That Albert, however, 1-for-4, still sort of floundering.

Jered Weaver – 7.0 IP, 3 hits, 2 ER, 4 Ks as Weaver rebounded huge after last week’s 8 ER debacle. I guess you don’t have to drop him anymore. Scott Downs came in this game in the 8th, and was replaced with Ernesto Frieri in the 9th after the Angels scored 3 runs. Not sure what to make of this yet, hopefully just Mike being a Sciosciapath and he removed Downs because it was no longer a save opportunity. Think of the fantasy owners, Mike!  Or maybe Mike was removing Downs from the closer role because Downs hadn’t done anything, like Walden before him.

Melky Cabrera – 2-for-3 with 2 runs in a high scoring game with very few fantasy implications with Buster Posey out. Anyone own Angel Pagan? He had 3 runs!

Josh Donaldson – 3-for-5 with a home run. Wait. Who is this?

Matt Holliday – 1-for-3 with a 2-run home run. It was Holliday’s 9th home run as the Cards lost to the Kemp-less Dodgers. Lance Lynn pitched 6.0, 9 hits, 4 ER, and 5 Ks. Double L, It was fun while it lasted.

Lance Berkman – Pinch hit HR in the 9th to tie it as the Big Puma, baseball’s resident super hero BerkMAN saves the day only to be foiled by his arch nemesis Fernando Salas (0.1 IP, 1 H, 1 ER, 3 BB).

When Heath Bell looked like garbage on Sunday, Frank Francisco returned serve with three of his own runs.  It was like watching a tennis match between Jon Lovitz and that guy from Felicity.  Rather than getting the hook by his manager, Frank-Frank was ejected for arguing balls and strikes.  The ump should’ve told him, “With your stuff, I wouldn’t have the balls to throw strikes either.”  Jon Rauch is next in line here, but, before the ink can dry on his neck, he could lose the job too.  Though, I would grab him, in the non-sexual way.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ike Davis – Sat out yesterday with flu-like symptoms.  Like.  Oh.  My.  Gahd.  I hopes it’s not Valley Fever.

Heath Bell – Ozzie Guillen has come to the conclusion that Edward Mujica and Steve Cishek are simply just as awful at closing games as Bell has been, so they might as well go with the guy with the bad contract.  So, once again, Bell is officially unofficially your Marlins closer and, as previously mentioned, he gave up two runs on Sunday.  I’d continue to hold Cishek and Mujica.  Bell needs to either go to the Disgraceful List or do some mop-up duty.  Despite the closer craziness, the past week the Marlins have got it done, winning 10 of their last 12 games.  A rational person might say to me, “The Marlins have played the Giants, Padres and Astros as of late, don’t get too excited.”  I am an irrational person, so it must be their new uniforms!

Giancarlo Stanton – 3-for-5 with a grand slam.  Is it just me or are you waiting for him to announce his name is actually Giancarlos Tanton?

Joey Votto – 4-for-5, 4 runs, 6 RBIs and 3 homers.  Votto bing, Votto boom.

Brian Fuentes – Was named the new A’s closer.  I literally wrote everything else in this post then came back to this to make sure he was still the closer.  If I wake up at 3 AM tonight and stumble back to my office, he may no longer be the closer.  He’s on a short leash with a cone and muzzle.  If he gets too far off the leash, he doesn’t give his owners rabies, he gives them ERAbies.

Brandon McCarthy – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Look at him K’ing people with reckless a-Brandon.  McCarthy feels like one of those guys that you can get for cheap in a trade, but could be way more valuable.  He’s literally in every fifth comment as a guy people want to drop, and I use the word ‘literally’ metaphorically.

Jarrod Parker – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks.  I doubt anyone’s actually buying (as in trading for), but you should be careful with Parker.  He’s due for some Liquid Paper getting dropped on his stats.

Bud Norris – Got the win on Friday with 6.0 IP, 1 ER and 8Ks.  Old James MacDonald pitched 8 innings and also struck out 8 in a pitchers’ duel.  And a Bud at McDonald’s is a combo meal in The Bootheel of Missouri.

Bryce Harper – On Friday, he threw his bat at the wall in frustration and needed 10 stitches as it bounced back and hit him in the head.  ESPN is auctioning off the bat with the proceeds going to TD (Teenaged Dipshits).

Wilson Ramos – Torn ACL and out for the year.  On the positive side, he’s now way too gimpy for kidnappers to lug around.

Danny Espinosa – Got a couple of hits on Sunday, homered Friday and Saturday while adding in two steals.  If it’s not obvious and you need me to spell it out, he’s H-O-T.

Henry Rodriguez – 2/3 IP, 4 ER with a massive blown save on Sunday.  I shut the game off before the Votto grand slam, knowing it was coming.  Then after it happened, I refreshed the box score a few times hoping it would change.  It’s a soul-crushing defeat when you know it’s gonna happen, then don’t believe it when it does.  Must’ve been what it felt like when Dewey tried to move his stuff into the White House with only a copy of the Dewey Defeats Truman newspaper.

Brian Dozier - 2-for-5 with his first homer.  I wouldn’t expect much here; he’s pretty yawnstipating.  It’s no coincidence that his last name is French for sleep (not true).

Scott Diamond – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Now has back-to-back 7 inning scoreless starts.  In AL-Only leagues, he could provide some value if he can continue his low walk-rate and so-so K-rate.  But in AL-Only leagues, Bruce Chen is valuable, so take that with a grain of salt, which is a crystal as is a diamond.  How’s that for circular reasoning?

Andy Pettitte – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. the M’s.  Against a major league offense, that’s 5 IP, 5 ER.  That’s not exactly a comeback on par with Lance Armstrong returning less nutso.

Carlos Ruiz – 6th HR on Friday.  Ruiz is batting .330 and leads the Phillies offense along with Juan Pierre.  Or JuanCarlos if Stanton’s renaming them.

Jimmy Rollins – 1-for-4 with his 1st homer.  Only one more to catch Chone Figgins!

Jesus Montero -  Hit a home run on Friday against his old team as he punishes New York for trading him to the Mariners.  You could taste the bad blood.  Mmm… Iron.

Justin Smoak – Hit a homer yesterday and is 6 for his last 12 as he got to hit away from Safeco.  Gets Fenway and Coors this week and could be a short term play.  Seriously, no kindling with Smoak.

Addison Reed – Robin Ventura is planning on splitting his save chances between Thornton, Reed and Santiago.  I think it’s appropriate to call Ventura by his cartoon onomatopoeia name:  VenturARGH.  And, because Reed seemed like the guy to own, he gave up 6 earned runs in a third of an inning yesterday.  To give up 6 earned in a third of an inning is, like a bowling alley that doesn’t cater to dwarfs will tell ya, no small feat.   At this rate, I don’t think I’d pick up any White Sox relievers in any shallow mixed league.  I need this ulcer?  No, no I don’t.  If you really need the saves, I’d grab Santiago, Reed or Thornton, in that order.

Chris Sale – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  When you go for a ‘precautionary’ MRI (something I get all the time!), and you’re moved around to help ‘save’ your elbow, then throw a pretty mediocre start, I think something is wrong and you’d be wise to sell him quickly.  But I’m not a doctor, though I did fall asleep while watching a Scrubs rerun last night.

Carlos Beltran – 4-for-5 with 2 home runs and 4 RBIs on Friday and hit his 13th homer on Sunday.  He’s doing his best Albert Pujols impression, the pre-Angels Pujols.  Yes, it took Pujols to go to the Angels to become mortal.  The irony!

Allen Craig – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer on Sunday, after homering on Friday.  Bad enough that he double-dipped on first names when there’s people without one — R. Kelly, “Tell me about it!”  But now there’s people out there who can’t buy a homer in their leagues (me!) and this guy now has 5.

Rafael Furcal – 3-for-3 with his 7th steal, while batting .383 on the year.  Still think he’s more of an Early Bird Special than a Zombino.  You get two Facebook Likes if you understood that.

Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  If you’ve owned him all year, you know this is less spectacular than he’s been.  Or spectaculess, if you like portmanteaus.

Josh Hamilton – Homerton was 3-for-4 with two more home runs on Friday to bring his total to 17.  The first player since Albert Pujols (who?) in 2006 to hit that many home runs in only 33 games.  Then he hit his 18th homer on Saturday.  18 homers?  I have 31 homers in one of my NL-Only leagues.

Mike Trout – Got his first slam & legs on Friday.  In related rookie news, ESPN ran a feature on Bryce Harper’s TD telethon.

C.J. Wilson -  Got roughed up in his Texas homecoming by Hamilton and the boys 1/3 IP, 3 H, 4 ER.  Then Matthew Modine started screaming “You wanna have another go at it” and Wilson agreed.  So, on Saturday, he went 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Then on Sunday, he rested.  Geez, with the God complex.

Mark Reynolds – Lands on the DL after throwing batting practice on Friday.  He said, “I got carried away with what I was trying to do.  It just looks so easy to strike me out.”

Xavier Avery – O’s called up their outfield prospect and played him in left field yesterday as he went 0-for-4.  Now for the Mystique behind X-Man.  He has some speed (and very light power), and will struggle to hit for much of an average in the majors.  In AL-Only leagues, he’s SAGNOF.

Jake Arrieta – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER vs. the Rays.  He’s been absolutely clobbered in his last two starts.  I’d definitely look elsewhere, since I’m not a huge fan of O’s starters to begin with.  My O’s starter face is a straight line for my lips and a slow blink of the eyes.  It looks like ‘meh.’

Nick Johnson – Homered in back-to-back games that he started (Friday and Sunday).  He was in good spirits after the game, smiling in the locker room.

Danny Duffy – Left yesterday’s game with what is being described as “medial left elbow tightness.”  Sounds like medial up a different starter.

Alcides Escobar – 3-for-3, 2 runs and 1 RBI.  He’s been on and off my teams so many times the elastic is completely shot.

Jeff Francoeur – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs with his first Frenchy fly of the season, or Freedom Fly if you’re still harboring shizz.

Desmond Jennings – Has now missed six games with a sore knee.  Instead of day-to-day, they could’ve told us day-to-week.  Might’ve been helpful.

Ben Zobrist – Slam and legs with a side of mash (3 hits!) and Elliot Johnson also slammed, legged and mashed.  Johnson is 7 for his last 13 with two steals and a homer.  Could be a nice pickup if you’re struggling at MI.  BTW, if someone asks you if you’re struggling at MI, your answer is IM.

Carlos Marmol – Since the start this year, he looked like Apollo vs. Ivan Drago in the exhibition match.  Finally, the Cubs threw in the towel with Marmol’s head landing on top of it and on the Disgraceful List.

Bryan LaHair – Since Friday’s Sell, he’s 1-for-14 with 6 Ks.  Cust kayin’.

Jeff Samardzija – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  The best thing I can say about Samardetc. is I wish I owned him on all my teams.

Rickie Weeks – His wrist showed no breaks and his bat showed no hits.

Kevin Youkilis – Cleared to swing a bat.  Sounds like positive news for a guy at Hedonism after a cliff diving accident.

Will Middlebrooks – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer.  If Youk pushes Middlebrooks to Triple-A, there’s gonna be a letter written to Jimmy Breslin from a Son of Sam Horn.

Matt Kemp – Left yesterday’s game aggravating his tight hamstring.  Said he’s going for an MRI, but will only miss a game.  Um, well, guess we can hope.  How do we get this hammy cured?  Because those are delicious.

Juan Rivera – Could miss two months with a ruptured hamstring tendon.  Dude, c’mon, the day of rupture isn’t until December 21st.

Chicago White Sox – Last Thursday, I told people to go all in on Addison Reed. Not long afterward, Chris Sale was removed from the rotation, placed in the bullpen and anointed the closer. Since the proclamation, Sale appeared in the 8th inning, blew the lead and Reed got the save chance in extra innings. Now it seems like Ventura prefers to use Sale in high leverage spots in the eighth. In addition, Sale wants to go back to starting, with the only thing stopping that being his health. And, if he’s not healthy, maybe he won’t hold up in the pen. So, for the second time in a week I’m going all in on Reed. If he’s somehow available, grab him. If you can trade for him at below market value, do so.

Chicago Cubs: Apparently something had to be done, given how precious wins are to the floundering Cubs, so Carlos Marmol was removed from the closer nest. In his place, the Cubs are platooning Rafael Dolis (who I mentioned awhile ago) and James Russell. Of course, I also said that Dolis was a more long-term than immediate option and that he sort of sucks. I still see nothing in Dolis that screams solid reliever. Aside from rookie ball, Dolis hasn’t posted a K:BB rate above 2.00. He’s benefiting from a .193 BABIP despite a huge LD rate. In addition, his swinging strike rate is miniscule. Meanwhile, Russell is a fine reliever, but he probably shouldn’t pitch to righties, as they own a .308/.361/.532 line on him. So he’s not going to see a ton of save opportunities. If I was stuck investing in this situation, I’d do whatever I could to trade Dolis. I want no part of him. This is a situation where you’re better off on the second round of speculation, i.e. a return to Marmol or Kerry Wood.

Miami Marlins: You’d think by now, we’d know who was stepping in for Heath Bell. However, while Edward Mujica has gotten and converted the save opportunities, Steve Cishek hasn’t pitched in five days after he threw five innings over a three day span. There is very little debate that Cishek is the better pitcher and it’s certainly possible he’ll get the save opportunities when he can pitch. However, I’m still backing Mujica. He was acquired in the Maybin trade as a back of the bullpen type. Meanwhile Cishek was a fifth round pick in 2007 and hasn’t closed much in the minors, 19 saves in 175 games. From an organizational perspective, Mujica was acquired more as a closer and Cishek as an arm. I must give made respect for @Jack as he almost got me to flip my position. Let’s just say I’m 51% in support of Mujica. UPDATE: Of course the above was written before the Marlins had a hold situation in the 8th and Mujica came in. Clearly, @Jack was right, I was wrong and Cishek is the guy to own for the time being. And, of course, because it’s the Marlins, Cishek blew the save. He got a lot of help from Giancarlo Stanton who misplayed a bloop single into a triple for Carlos Lee. However, Cishek did manage to walk Chris Johnson, somehow, and gave up a solid single to Brian Bogusevic. Going forward, Cishek will have some issues against lefties, but should remain the front runner in the pen…for now. I’d still like to own both or neither.

Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim: Scott Downs is feeling no ill-effects of the ball J.P. Arencibia careened off his knee. He should be ready to go. While the Angels went out and traded for Ernesto Frieri and some idiot thought he was the Padres closer of the future, he’s likely behind Jordan Walden in saves. Frieri has stuff well suited for Petco, as he is a huge fly ball pitcher and walks a healthy amount of batters. With him putting a lot of guys on base and a few more fly balls leaving the park, he’ll see a worse ERA in the American League. For the rest of the season, Frieri looks like a 3.65 ERA and 1.33 WHIP guy with 68 K’s.

San Diego Padres: The reason I was so high on Frieri was Andrew Cashner’s inability to throw strikes and how the Padres seem to prefer using Luke Gregerson in the seventh. So, hello Dale Thayer, who was originally signed by the Padres in 2002, but made his debut seven years after that for the Rays. He made his way back to the Padres after the New York Mets found no use for him. Seriously. Exclusively a reliever in the minors, Thayer has a 2.70 ERA, 1.23 WHIP and 3.01 K:BB rate at AAA. Of course a significant amount of those innings came after he turned 28. Thayer isn’t a K guy but a ground ball pitcher in a Jim Johnson mold. So far, his control seems a bit above average. It looks like there is no reason to carry Cashner or Gregerson on your team as Thayer is the handcuff for Huston Street.

New York Yankees: Supposedly, David Robertson is sharing closing duties with Rafael Soriano, but Robertson is by far the one you want to own. He’s simply the best, better than all the rest. I’d bet on Robertson securing 95% of the Yankees saves ROTW. I’d hold Soriano if there aren’t any pressing roster matters for a week or so, but it’s Robertson’s job to run with. Sure, Robertson blew a save last night somewhat spectacularly, but the runs were the first ones he  allowed since September of last year. He’ll get a long rope; however don’t go dropping Soriano just yet.

Washington Nationals: Good thing Brad Lidge is, well, Brad Lidge because Henry Rodriguez has been ascending the BS meter. That said, Rodriguez still has impeccable numbers (2.84 ERA, 2.94 FIP, 3.11 xFIP) and has no real challenger in the Nats pen. His walk rate will continue to catch up to him and hurt his ratios, but not enough to cost him interim closing duties. The rest of the year, Rodriguez will post a 3.50 ERA, 1.38 WHIP and 68 K’s.

Toronto Blue Jays – Until his injury, I continually thought Sergio Santos was in no danger of losing the role to Francisco Cordero. Cordero has been birding on a wire for some time now and a trip to the AL East was going to knock him off. Well, Cordero is now out of the interim seat and Casey Janssen is keeping it warm. Drop Cordero, pick up Janssen, who is better, anyway. Look for Janssen to be a 3.72 ERA and 1.22 WHIP guy the rest of the way with maybe 50 K’s. He’s basically Scott Downs for the next couple of weeks. It looks like Santos won’t be ready to go for about 14 days.

Los Angeles Dodgers: It seems if you approach Heath Bell territory on the BS meter (Cordero, Guerra), you lose your job. Kenley Jansen is filthy, capably of putting up a 2.50 ERA, 1.11 WHIP and 80 K’s the rest of the way. Finally, you can drop Javy Guerra.

Cincinnati Reds: On Wednesday, after Sean Marshall gave up a lead-off homer to Ryan Braun in the ninth, Logan Ondrusek began warming in the bullpen. Marshall then fanned Aramis Ramirez and Corey Hart hit a ball to the warning track in dead center. Jonathan Lucroy followed with a single on the 12th pitch of the at bat and then Aoki got a cheap bloop to left. So, Dusty Baker pulled Marshall for Ondrusek. What the what!?! Ondrusek immediately went 3-0 on the mighty Cesar Izturis and walked him two pitches later. Of course, Travis Ishikawa swung on the first pitch of the subsequent AB and hit a weak fly to left. Game over. Ondrusek is a fine, not special reliever, capable of finishing with a 3.15 ERA, 1.25 WHIP and 55 K’s. He’s no Aroldis Chapman or Sean Marshall though. Marshall has been exceptional aside from one outing and I fully expect him to get the bulk of the saves for the Reds.

Name	BS	Opps	Name	BS	Opps
Heath Bell	4	7	David Carpenter	1	2
Chad Qualls	3	9	Edward Mujica	1	9
Francisco Cordero	3	8	Francisco Rodriguez	1	8
Javy Guerra	3	11	Frank Francisco	1	10
Rex Brothers	3	6	Glen Perkins	1	3
Alfredo Aceves	2	7	Hisanori Takahashi	1	3
Brad Lidge	2	4	Jason Grilli	1	7
Brandon League	2	9	Jason Motte	1	6
Carlos Marmol	2	5	Joaquin Benoit	1	10
David Hernandez	2	8	Joe Nathan	1	8
Grant Balfour	2	9	Joel Hanrahan	1	6
Hector Santiago	2	7	Joel Peralta	1	9
Henry Rodriguez	2	8	Jonathan Broxton	1	7
J.J. Putz	2	8	Jordan Walden	1	3
Javier Lopez	2	5	Kenley Jansen	1	10
Jon Rauch	2	6	Kerry Wood	1	3
Jose Valverde	2	8	Luke Gregerson	1	5
Matt Belisle	2	4	Matt Thornton	1	6
Pedro Strop	2	6	Mike Adams	1	8
Scott Downs	2	9	Mike Dunn	1	3
Sergio Santos	2	4	Octavio Dotel	1	5
Aaron Crow	1	7	Rafael Betancourt	1	7
Alexi Ogando	1	8	Rafael Dolis	1	6
Andrew Cashner	1	4	Ramon Ramirez	1	3
Antonio Bastardo	1	5	Santiago Casilla	1	7
Brian Fuentes	1	4	Sean Marshall	1	6
Casey Janssen	1	2	Steve Cishek	1	4
Chris Perez	1	12	Tom Wilhelmsen	1	6
Chris Sale	1	1	Tyler Clippard	1	7
Clay Hensley	1	4	Vicente Padilla	1	5
Craig Kimbrel	1	11	Vinnie Pestano	1	9
Darren Oliver	1	5	Wilton Lopez	1	3

The Closer Look was only six days ago and we’ve already lost a $12 Salad (Mo), a Donkeycorn (Huston Street) and three Brain Freezes (Santiago/Thornton, Bell, Downs).  If you think the Closepocalypse is something created by the media (me) to sell newspapers (no one buys newspapers), then continue to disbelieve.  I’m just back from Costco with a keg of chicken broth, 400 count box of Mallomars and a 17 pound box of Wheat Thins to stock my Closepocalypse shelter.  When the major leagues have run out of all pitchers to close and have exhausted all other athletes in all other sports trying to convert them to closers and they come knocking on my door, I’m going into my Closepocalypse shelter and you won’t see me again.  Street is always a good nose blow away from getting hurt, so it’s no huge shocker.  The Padres don’t think he’ll be back when his DL stint is up, and I’ll go as far to say he won’t be back for about a month and he’s a setback away from missing three months.  For further reading on that see:  His career.  I grabbed Andrew Cashner in one league.  I would’ve grabbed Luke Gregerson too if I had room, but, alas, I did not.  Who could fit anything with this keg of broth?!  And, because as soon as anyone becomes a closer, they get hot in the way a Dutch oven is hot, so Cashner followed every other closer this year and gave up a bunch of runs.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Cory Luebke – Probably needs Tommy John surgery.  He said his symptoms point to it.  Now the only thing between him and Tommy John surgery is a visit to Dr. James Andrews.  Thank your deity of choice that Dr. James Andrews didn’t become a dentist.  “I think I have a cavity.”  “Okay, you’re gonna be sidelined 12 to 15 months.”

Heath Bell – Ozzie wrapped a towel around his neck and finally pulled the plug on Bell.  Joey Cora applauded the decision, saying, “No one wears a towel around a neck like Ozzie.”  Was about two weeks coming now that Bell would be rung up, and I’ve been telling you to pick up Cishek for about as long.  He’s been flat-out dominant (0.63 ERA, 0.91 WHIP) so there’s a chance he takes the job and runs with.  He didn’t get the save yesterday because he was used excessively the other day.  There’s also a chance Ozzie lets Bell get saves again after a week or two in the bullpen.  Or Ozzie could just see Mujica get a save and let him run with the job.  What I think happens to Bell is he’s ineffective in a setup role and lands on the Disgraceful List.  It wasn’t like Bell was lost because of confidence.  Not like he’s new to the 9th inning.  Something’s off with him physically.

Jayson Werth – Will miss at least 6 weeks with a broken wrist.  FWIWerth, I think he could miss three months.  I was speculating earlier that Harper might not stay in the bigs, even though they named a cereal after him (Bryce Krispies).  Now Harper’s definitely not going anywhere, except to the store to buy more eye black.

Matt Kemp – Didn’t start yesterday with a tight hamstring.  Dodgers are saying he’ll be fine.  Kemp’s owners are praying he’ll be fine.

Javy Guerra – Blew the save, but, with the current closer situation around the majors, he looked downright awesome!

Jason Bay – Terry Collins said it still hurts when Bay laughs, which makes it hard to play since Bay’s career has become such a joke.

Ruben Tejada – Probably headed to the DL with a quad strain. C’mon, Ruben, it’s nothing a little extra Thousand Island dressing can’t fix.

Lorenzo Cain – Now will be out for at least another month.  Finally, he gets an everyday job handed to him and he can’t stay healthy.  Him and Mat Gamel should take the University of Phoenix online seminar, “Opportunities Knocks Isn’t Just A Dana Carvey Movie.”

Adam Jones – 3-for-8 with his 8th homer.  I’ve been meaning to give Jones a lede in a roundup, but all these stupid closers have monopolized things.   Jones is a guy that can go 30+ homers with 15+ steals.  He’s real and he’s beautiful.

Nolan Reimold – Placed on the DL after two weeks of “Will he?” or “Won’t he?” speculation about his health.  Judge Reimold not by the color of his skin, but by his inability to recognize pain.

Mark Reynolds – The Mini Donkey show is hot, as he hit homers Friday and Saturday.  If someone dropped him, grab him.

J.J. Hardy – 5-for-8, with two solo homers.  Orioles fans are now saying Cal Ripken who?  Though they probably mean, “Are you talking about junior or senior?”

Chris Davis - 0-for-8 with 5 Ks and 2 IP, 0 ER, 2 Ks as he finished out the extra inning game.  Before Davis even entered the locker room, 15 clubs inquired about him to be their closer.

Will Middlebrooks – 2-for-7, 4 RBIs as he hit his first homer, which was a grand salami.  (Oh, and welcome, Google Searcher of “Donkey show is hot” + “grand salami.”  We won’t judge you here.)

Chris Sale – I told you the White Sox manager’s hat is like the Mask, where whomever wears it makes the craziest decisions.  Ventura appointed Sale the closer because he has a tender elbow and they want to cut back his innings.  The pitching coach had a classic line regarding the move, “Listen, we’re not making this decision based upon what’s best for the team.” Same could be said about how they put together their entire offense.

Mat Latos – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks.  Don’t even really care that it was against the Pirates.  I mean, sure, I would’ve told everyone and their mother’s child to drop him if he pitched poorly here, but he didn’t.  This is why you held him through all the mishegoss. I will now look forward to owning him as he drops his ERA from 4.93 to the mid-3′s.

Drew Stubbs – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs with his 2nd homer in the last three days and a slam & legs yesterday.  He’s on a 15+ homer, 25+ steal pace with a .262 average.  He credits his newfound success with some advice from Dusty that he didn’t pay attention to.

David Robertson – Brace Face says the closer job is still kinda up in the air, but I think Robertson is gonna be the closer and a $12 Salad by June.  I didn’t put him in Friday’s Buy, because I didn’t realize he wasn’t owned in every league.  He should’ve been already.  Doode’s filthy, filthy as in good, not filthy as in bad, and that’s not bad as in good but bad as in bad.

Robinson Cano – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer.  Hey, those smelling salts I used on my Cano voodoo doll worked!

Albert Pujols – Maicer Izutris pinch hit for him and homered… No, wait, that was actually Pujols that homered!

Scott Downs – “Hey, God here, just wanted to give you a heads up that I have a fantasy team this year and I punted saves, so, ya know, gotta do what you gotta do.”  Downs hurt his knee yesterday.  Why?  Because closers can’t have anything nice this year.  It’s actually gotten to the point where a closer will get replaced and I won’t even look for him in all of my leagues because I just assume he too will be replaced in a few days.  LaTroy Hawkins got the save yesterday, but I’d be surprised if Walden didn’t just get the next one because, well, he never really did anything wrong to begin with to lose the job.  Then again, Walden could’ve got the save yesterday and didn’t.  “Hey, Bourjos, you want the top bunk?”  That’s Walden looking at his new digs in the Scioscia Dog House.  Hawkins definitely won’t be getting the next save, because the price he paid for getting yesterday’s was a broken pinkie.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Supposedly, the Indians found a flaw in his delivery prior to this game.  Though, I’m not sure if they fixed it because he still threw five walks in seven innings.  Maybe his flaw was that he was throwing meaty strikes and now he’s throwing meatballs.

Shin-Soo Choo – 1-for-3 with a steal and he hit a homer the other day.  I might just be trying to stay positive with this schmohawk because Rudy drafted him on a bunch of our teams, but it feels like Choo is finally coming out of his slump.  Knowing our (and his) luck, he’ll probably get injured this week.

Allen Craig – 2-for-4 with a homer and 3 RBIs.  He has 20 homer power and some speed.  I’d check raise that to the bettor and go Allen.

Adam Wainwright – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Before we start reaching around on each other, let’s wash our hands and remember Wainwright was facing the Asstros.

Chris Johnson – Hit two homers on Wednesday and he hit another one on Saturday.  You, “Do you smell something burning?”  Me, “Oh, yeah, that’s a Chris Johnson’s hot schmotato.  It’s okay to put tin foil in the microwave, right?”

Derrek Lee – Sounds like he’s gonna join former teammate Aramis on the Brewers.  Now all the Brewers need to do is cover the 7th inning Racing Bratwurst in yellow mustard, onions, bright green sweet pickle relish, a dill pickle spear, tomato slices and a dash of celery salt.

Drew Smyly – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 Ks on Friday as Smyly continues to be the happiest man in baseball.  He gets the Mariners in Seattle next time out.  Run.  Don’t walk to the waiver wire and grab Drew Smyly Face Winking Emoticon With Weird Squiggle Coming Out Of His Mouth.

Matt Moore – 4 2/3 IP, 8 ER.  Against the A’s?  The A’s actually signed Brandon Inge as an upgrade and are now batting him 6th.  Early last week, the A’s asked their opponent if they minded if the A’s just put a cardboard cutout of Hulk Hogan at-bat for their 2nd baseman since Weeks was sick.  Against the A’s?  On the bright side, if you don’t own him (there’s no bright side if you do own him), this is a good opportunity to buy low.

Desmond Jennings – Left yesterday’s game with a sore knee.  Rays are saying it’s not a big deal, but it always concerns me when a player, whose name I’ve tattooed right above my butt crack, feels sore enough they have to leave in the middle of a game.

Freddie Freeman – 2-for-3 with his 6th homer.  Like I tell my girlfriends, you have to ignore a small sample size.  And for the most part, I do that.  Freeman’s power so far is surprising to me, but I don’t think it’s a small sample size thing.  If I were the type to change preseason projections, which I’m not, I’d give Freeman 27-ish homers.

Dayan Viciedo - Was hit on the elbow.  The bad news, he left immediately in what seemed to be a lot of pain.  The good news, he made contact with the baseball.

Brian Dozier – On his radio show, Gardenhire said Dozier would be the starting shortstop.  This is very surprising.  Gardenhire has a radio show?  Does he do call-in’s for who should bat cleanup?  Does he give away a thousand bucks for each time a Twins batter gets a hit, which turned into a terrible promotion?  Is Brad Radke his Baba Booey?  As for Dozier, not that surprising.  Twins need offense something fierce.  Dozier has been hitting in the minors (.276, 1 homer and 2 steals; yes, compared to the other Twins hitters that’s good).  I wouldn’t go near Dozier outside of AL-Only leagues.

Justin Morneau – To the 15-day DL.  If I was Morneau’s agent, I’d make sure there was a clause in his contract saying he gets a bonus every time he hits the DL.

Ryan Doumit – Hit 2 homers yesterday.  I have a confession.  In the RCL, I didn’t “Set it and Forget it.”  I drafted Soto and dropped him.  Then, of course, he hit a homer a few days later while I had A.J. Ellis (don’t ask) and now I have Salty, who I will probably drop too.  I’m a bad ‘pert, son.

Juan Nicasio – 5 IP, 6 ER.  As one of my stunod cousins would say, pitching like that you ain’t gonna Juan nothing!  In most mixed leagues, I’d lose Nicasio like the 80′s calculator watch he sounds like.

Jarrod Dyson – 2-for-5 with his 3rd steal.  Don’t be stealing Campana’s trademark, “All I do is steal, and you like me because of it.”

Mike Carp – Hit a homer yesterday.  And he’s… Ugh, so hard to get excited about M’s hitters.  He’s got some… Yeah, I’m gonna stop trying.

Chone Figgins – On Friday, I said the M’s should move on from Figgy.  Looks like the Mariners read Razzball because on Friday they said, “Figgy, please… You are no longer an everyday starter.”  Tough break for Figgy; he’s now only gonna earn nine million dollars this year and eight million next year.  If I were him, I’d bring a suitcase of money to every game and count that shizz on the bench.  “Looks like a beautiful day at the ballpark.  There’s a slight wind coming in from the right field– Wait, what’s that Figgy is chasing out into the outfield?  Oh, it’s thousand dollar bills.”

Even King Mo, Thy Saver of the Throne, Sire of Sutter, Haver of Fingers, Tester of the Quiz, Nowhere Near the Stench of the Wickman is not immune to the closepocalypse that is upon us.  The plague of ninth inning locusts strikes all that cross thee path!  What?  I was pouring out some Olde English for the brothers who aren’t here.  Mariano Rivera was hurt shagging fly balls.  Last person hurt like that was Jenna Jameson.  It didn’t look good, as he was carted off in pain, and it turned out even worse, as he was diagnosed with a torn ACL.  David Robertson should’ve been owned already, but here’s a real reason to, you save vulture.  This is frustrating not because I owned Rivera.  I don’t; I don’t believe in $12 Salads, but someone is lucking into Robertson, who could end up one of the best closers in baseball this year.  If you’re really hurting for saves, it’s worth a speculative grab to pick up Rafael Soriano.  The Yankees would have to be five cookies short of a potential Biggest Loser contestant’s breakfast to skip K-Rob for Soriano, but he does have closer experience.  Whatever that means nowadays.  After the closepocalypse, half the league’s pitchers have closer experience.  Juan Cruz has it now!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Pablo Sandoval – Wanna hear something freaky?  You have a third nipple!?  No, Random Italicized Voice.  Almost exactly one year ago, Pablo Sandoval broke the hamate bone on his other hand.  (And less freaky is Ryan Zimmerman was also injured that week.)  I suggest next year, for the week of Cinco de Mayo, Pablo Sandoval go out of town.  Maybe Cozumel.  Have some margaritas, win some wet t-shirt contests, have unprotected sex — Really get the full Mexico experience!  Then return a week later healthy.  The fact that Sandoval broke his hamate bone two years in a row makes me think he should have them removed (then BBQ them and sell them at a county fair).  The surgery is not unheard of, Tabata had the hamate bone removal surgery done in the minor leagues (then used it like a wishbone and hoped his wife would stop thinking she’s remaking Raising Arizona.  BTW, his wife is 46 years old?  And Tabata is 23?  A Latin 23 may not do this guy justice, which is the key word.).  If Sandoval keeps the hamate bone, then I’d be concerned this could keep happening.  Either way, he’s out for 6 weeks.

Conor Gillaspie – Should replace Sandoval for the majority of the playing time.  Conor Gillaspie plays 3rd sack.  Me myself, I like to max.  Red-Bone booties, I’m out to wax!  Seriously, what did we do without Google for song lyrics?  Did everyone sound like my uncle who sings three words of every song then mumbles the rest?  Mumble, mumble, mumble, I can’t go for that.  No can do.  Gillaspie has a little bit of nothing going for himself outside of average.  He was hitting .356 in Triple-A.  That was inflated by his BABIP, but he should be able to hit around .280.  He has next to no power, and his speed isn’t that impressive.  You can do better, Marvin’s Room. (Maybe the best song of the last year.)

Heath Bell – Ozzie says Bell is still his closer.  He also praised Castro and disparaged gays, so, ya know, grain of salt.

Edward Mujica – Recorded the save yesterday but Cishek (who I think will get saves) and Bell were unavailable.

Brandon Morrow – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Not only did he throw a shutout, but he didn’t throw any walks.  Can he pitching coach Scherzer?

Albert Pujols – 0-for-3, dropping his average to .202.  Can’t they pinch-hit Maicer Izturis for him?

Ernesto Frieri – Yesterday, Albert (not Pujols, the writer for our site) called Frieri the “closer of the future” for the Padres.  Then Frieri was traded to the Angels.  I don’t think he’s the closer of the future for the Angels, but “setup man of the future” doesn’t have much of a ring to it.

Adam LaRoche – Sat out yesterday with oblique soreness.  That dreaded, extremely vague soreness again!  I wouldn’t be surprised to see him miss a few games.

Ross Detwiler – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks.  He was in last week’s Buy.  Don’t make me go back there!

Joe Blanton – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks.  In related news, Halladay left the Phillies for a few days for a personal reason.  He didn’t say why except, “Yo, Joe Blanton got this.”

Laynce Nix – 2-for-3 with a homer.  Superfluous Y’s rejoice!  In chorus, “Because!”

Coco Crisp – Headed to the DL with an inner ear issue.  Coco Crisp says he keeps hearing a snap, crackle, pop.  In his place, Michael Taylor is joining the A’s, but no one seems thrilled about ever playing Taylor in the majors.  Pretty ironic that he was once traded for Brett Wallace, though no one outside of the British really knows what irony is.

Randall Delgado – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He’s looked like anything but the top prospect he is until this game.  I’m not buying quite yet in most mixed leagues, but I’m watching very carefully.

Ryan Vogelsong – 7 IP, 1 ER, 12 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He looks like a safe, non-threatening number five starter without too much upside or downside.  Kinda like the pitching equivalent to doctor’s office music.  “Hey, while I have this molar extracted, what’s that playing?”  “It’s Vogelsong.”

Jason Kipnis – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer.  His bumper sticker reads, “Why can’t a nosh be posh?  Kipnis!”  His Jason Kipnis fantasy reads like that.

Pedro Alvarez – 2-for-4 with another homer.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  Hint:  He’s not a sell.

Andrew McCutchen – Left yesterday’s game with a stomach bug.  Hopefully it’s not a tapeworm.  Those things are nasty.  This girl I know decided to cure her own salmon and left it on the counter encased in salt.  Well, flies dropped some larvae in the lox and she had worm squirts for days.  Okay, when I started that story it seemed appropriate.

Erik Bedard – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks.  Eleven Ks over 5 innings is nice.  His 37 Ks over 34 innings is very nice.  His health, well, it’s good for now.  I’m not a big fan because every time I seem to get invested he breaks down, but his Ks have me intrigued, and whenever I say intrigued in my head I hear the Comic Book Guy.

Jose Tabata – 3-for-5 with a steal.  He raised his average over 100 points in the last ten games.  He’s not going to be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  Wanna know why?  Cause I’m telling you now (actually I told you two days ago).  He’s hot.  Pick him up.  Go now.  This post will be here when you return.

Chone Figgins – 0-for-4 with his average falling to .189.  They really need to DFA this no-longer-young brother.  And lose Smoak while you’re at it too, M’s.  In fact, start over with Carp, Ackley, Montero, Seager and Ken Griffey Jr. Jr.

Allen Craig – 4 for his last 9 with 3 RBIs.  Potatoes to chips, this doode came back from the DL like a flaming ball of yarn.  See, if yarn’s on fire, it would roll out and the hotness would spread, which in hitting terms is good.  Makes total sense.

Bryan LaHair – 2-for-4 with his 7th homer.  The Cubs shouldn’t be thinking about how to make room for Rizzo.  They should be thinking about how to erect a giant statue of LaHair, then accidentally tip it over on Alfonso Soriano.  Two birds, one stone (or granite).

Ryan Dempster – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks.  First game back from the DL + In a tough park for pitchers +  Against a tough offensive team = Chumlee.  Hmm, math is wrong there.  Meant to add up to SONAVABENCH!

Carlos Marmol – Zero outs recorded, 3 unearned runs (1 earned) and 4 baserunners.  There’s no saying exactly what’s wrong with Marmol, but he’s not himself (dur!).  Sveum says he could replace Marmol from the closer role (dur-dur!).  I want to say bench Marmol in most leagues, but he looks like he’s headed for a trip to the Disgraceful List.  Rafael Dolis would be the pickup, but he’s been far from spectacular.  He hasn’t been craptacular though either.  Kerry Wood isn’t a bad specloselation.  James Russell is a deeper SAGNOF specloselation pick.  He’s been great so far, but he’s a lefty.  It’s basically a total mess of a closerousel shituation.  Now I will await Guinness Book of World Records to crown this blurb for the most portmanteaus ever used in a single blurb.  *finger tap*  Waiting…