Fantasy Baseball Advice

Down goes moobs! Down goes moobs! Ah, to be a fantasy baseball newsie… Or a Howard Cosell porncaster… Well, I can’t say it was completely surprising that the Royals sent Billy Butler down to their other Triple-A team. I suppose they could’ve sent down the whole team. Because of the long leash Gordon received last year, I imagine Butler is wondering if this is some sort of moob discrimination. Perhaps it’s a moob point. Butler will be back in a few months and will continue his quest to be the oddest built man with no home run power. Keep your head up, Billy, there’s always modeling manssieres. Anyway, this is what I saw yesterday:

Phil Dumatrait – The Pirates announcers said Dumatrit has been their best starter. I agree. And that is by no means an endorsement. Dumatrait is the tallest midget on the staff.

Aaron Harang – What, he couldn’t come back from long relief on three days rest? Well played, Dusty.

Russell Branyan – Homer, two walks, strikeout. Branyan masturbates to Jack Cust who masturbates to Jim Thome. The circle of life continues.

Paul LoDuca/Chad Cordero – They got into the Nats game yesterday. In the announcing booth. They were better than Sutton.

Kevin Kouzmanoff – Had a home run taken away by Ryan Langerhaus. Damn you, lederhosen.

Josh Fogg – Now in Reds rotation. NL Central and Razzballers rejoice.

Lastings Milledge – Stole two bases today. Was promptly picked off when he ran over to high five some fans.

Mark Teixeira – 1 HR and 4 RBI. Nice to see that Chipper is sharing the hooch.

Ryan Zimmerman – Out with a shoulder injury. Recovering from a wrist injury. We recommend that they just amputate the arm, put on a new one, and call him Ryan Zimmerhands.

Curtis Granderson – Jim Leyland announced he will start him more against lefties. He has also extended his curfew to 11PM and no longer handles his diaper rashes as he’s preoccupied with Carlos Guillen at the moment.

Scott Hatteberg – We’re not sure what’s more pathetic – that the Seattle Mariners see him as an upgrade at 1B or that he actually IS an upgrade to Richie Sexson and Jose Vidro.

Ian Stewart – Third straight game starting at 2B. Seems a foregone conclusion he’ll have 2B eligibility by end of the week. If you’ve got a weak 2B or MI, he’s a must pickup right now.

Kevin Slowey – I’ve already mentioned on a few occasions that I like Slowey. Slowey’s the horse, and it’s been beat.

Shannon Stewart – Hit his first home run on the season. Take that, Micah Owings!

Brad Penny – Pitching awful this year. It can’t help that Alyssa Milano is moved on and is playing Who’s the Boss? with Clayton Kershaw. Penny’s consolation prize is playing “Feel my stubble” with Derek Lowe.

Ok, every season there’s some flat-out surprises, but one I haven’t heard too much about this year is Johan Santana’s fairly subpar performance. This was a guy that everyone and their drunk, Irish mother-in-law told you to draft because Johan Santana was headed for a ’68 Bob Gibsonian season. He’s headed to the Mets; Johan’s going to get a .65 ERA! Yesterday, Santana gave up three runs on twelve hits with one K through seven innings, which was a quality start according to Major League Baseball and Kyle Kendrick. No one else considers that quality, maybe quantity. I don’t think you should necessarily trade Johan, but he’s not exactly carrying fantasy teams with his pitching. Wasn’t that the point of drafting him in the first round? He’s sitting at 5-2/3.36/1.18/58 through ten games. You know what those numbers do to me? They yawnstipate me. Not quite yawn-inducing, but pretty close. The thing is… Wait for it… Here it comes… Everyone thinks he’s the number one pitcher. Every. One. Imagine your brain is a dirty alley with a bum urinating in the corner and there’s graffiti on the walls. Written in giant, spraypainted bubble letters, it says “Johan is the best pitcher.” (And it’s tagged by Señor Razz.) So if you have Johan Santana, Marcum and Billingsley on your staff, you’re stacked like Dolly Parton lying on a bed of pancakes. I say move Johan for a first round hitter. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday:

Corey Hart – I was adding Corey Hart into Friday afternoon’s Buy and Sell post as a Buy, but he beat me to the punch. I doubt any of his owners are looking to sell him now. Sometimes time sensitive material spoils. C’est la vie.

Chris Young – To the 15-DL, hopefully he’s fine when he returns. I hate to see things like that… Oh, who am I kidding? I watched the replay seventeen times. It was wonderful! (BTW, when I was watching the Padres game the night it happened, they would not show the replay. They were making like it was the part of Faces of Death II when the guy eats the live monkey brain then vomits on a corpse.)

Victor Martinez – Left the game with an index finger injury. Hey, Victor, I’ve got a middle finger for ya.

Miguel Olivo – Looks like he’s not missing those Miguel Cabrera’s hugs as much as I hoped when I picked him up on my Razzball team. He has 6 home runs and I’m moving my crazy Dioner Navarro love to Olivo. I know, I’m flaky when it comes to catchers, but they’re a dime a dozen and sometimes you gotta rotate your junk. Um, so to speak.

Joe Borowski – Headline: He’s set to return as the closer. Sub-headline: Indians’ opponents just need to keep it close.

Roy Oswalt – Obviously, when Kyle Kendrick out pitches you, there’s problems. Oswalt strikes me as a guy who wouldn’t want anesthesia during a visit to the dentist cause he likes to feel the drill. He could be playing with a serious injury to his hip that is affecting his push off. I wouldn’t be surprised if the ‘Stros push him to a DL stint pretty soon.

Aaron Harang – Are you kidding me? He should’ve thrown a shutout against the Padres. Away I say thou artless dizzy-eyed, maggot-pie. Fetch me some drool, it would be an improvement on ye crapeth soul! (Oops, I thought it said harangue.)

Khalil Greene – Hit two home runs yesterday, ya gotta have some Bahá’í Faith. (I’ve never heard of the Bahá’í Faith, but I think it might have something to do with all of the accents and apostrophes. I think if Christianity or Judiasm or Islam or the Others had that many accents and apostrophes there wouldn’t be half as many participants. I think if Bahá’í Faith were to hire a savvy marketing team, the first thing they’d do is drop the extra punctuation. Or maybe throw a “Forever” at the end of it so people could abbreviate it BFF. Now I could totally see people embracing BFF, there would probably be a castmate on next season’s Real World who was a devout BFFer, and she would cheat on her boyfriend of six years after one episode of the show. Not to say a BFFer would be prone to that sorta thing, but Real World castmates are. But I digress.)

Mike Lowell – Hit a home run yesterday. He’s still got it.

Jacques Jones – He’s getting the call and should start against righties. Best thing I can say is he made for a fun ancillary character in Fantasyland.

Clayton Kershaw – He was pulled from his Double-A start and it’s rumored he’ll make the Dodgers start in place of Penny on Saturday. Add him immediately! Unless of course you play in Yahoo leagues, where he’ll be found sitting between Harvey the Rabbit and Sammy Sosa’s pre-steroids, home run power.

Cliff Lee threw nine innings of shutout ball to lower his ERA to 0.67. Seriously, he’s not Bob Gibson. He wasn’t even the best pitcher in his game last night. Shaun Marcum got him there. If someone’s buying into Lee’s early season performance, can you command a high offensive guy in a trade? You can try. His brother from another mother, Carlos Lee? Maybe. Markakis? Rios? Tex? Possibilities. This is why you have to send out feelers. Cliff Lee will be untradeable at the first sign of trouble. He doesn’t have a track record to instill much confidence. If you can’t get someone to trade Lee to right now, you have to hope he has a career year and doesn’t regress to his career norms. His peripherals all look solid, but history tells us he’s not what he’s been thus far. I would not trade for Cliff Lee (unless the owner is worried the correction is coming and wants to undersell him). Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday:

Erik Bedard – Gave up 6 ER in 2 IP. Blowing a 5 run cushion after the top half of the 1st inning. In fairness, Texas has a really deep lineup: Kinsler, Young, Hamilton, Bradley…. Um… Toby Harrah, a guy named Murphy, a Boggs that only plays like he drank 70 beers and Chuck Norris.

Eric Gagne – He pronounced himself fit to close. Other fifteen NL teams agree with him.

Alexis Rios – With Wells’s injury, he’s now batting third. But in one game yesterday, Wilkerson led off. Wilkerson was cut by a team that is starting Jose Vidro at DH.

Adam Wainwright – Co-Chief Officer of Razzball saw a blip on the radar.

Clay Buchholz – The argument over who’s better — Buchholz or Philip Hughes — rages on. Phil Hughes might take the lead soon buoyed by a stint on the DL for a fractured ERA.

John Van Benschoten – Rudy picked him up for his Razzball team. How could he not take a flier on a Pittsburgh starter with Bench in his last name? His 4 IP with 6 ER and 11 base runners were all he could’ve hoped for. Can’t wait for San Francisco to bring up their 1B prospect Bobby Easyout.

Adam Dunn – He has to be the worst RBI guy ever for a 40 HR player. Best case scenario with men in scoring position – sac fly. 5 for 29 with men in scoring position — 11Ks. Last 3 years (2005-2007), he’s hitting .236 with runners in scoring position. Someone tell Dusty that Dunn should be hitting 1st or 2nd. He’s great for OBP. Keep him out of the middle of the lineup.

Barry Zito – He got a victory against the Astros last night. A moral victory. Get the man some orange slices.

Adam LaRoche – He slumped in April like he does every year. 4 HR in last 9 games. He’s got to be available in some leagues.

Livan Hernandez – He’s 6-1. Johan Santana is 4-2. Silva and Lohse continue to get rocked. The Twins are geniuses! (It’s just a matter of time before Nick Punto explodes like Pat Neshek’s elbow.)

Dioner Navarro – Okay, I promised not to say his name again, but I keep getting questions about Johjima and Pudge. Those schmohawks should not be on a team, except in the deepest of leagues. DNV (<—-forced nickname) went three-for-three with 2 RBIs. He’s now batting .363 over 72 at-bats. Last year’s post-All-Star break numbers were 30/8/31/.285/2 in 179 at-bats. He’s only 24.

Wladimir Balentien – Mentioned two weeks ago how Rudy grabbed Wlady while I grabbed Lind, just to spread the Razzball love even though I liked Balentien more. Yeah, I should’ve just grabbed Wlad the Impaler.

Jair Jurrjens – With two outs, Freddy Sanchez got a double that scored three. It was a clutch hit, but Jurrjens looked just fine. I’m still buying.

Aaron Harang – He didn’t pitch that well, but won. See what I mean about wins. Yeah, he’s 70th and Webb’s 10th overall.

Rafael Furcal – Lands on the 15-day DL with a strained lower back. Hope Mia Hamm has a cute friend for him.

Fausto Carmona – Another guy I’m not sold on. His 18/35 K/BB is a disaster waiting to happen.

Mike Jacobs – He was supposed to be back in the lineup last Friday. Not according to me — according to the Marlins. Seriously, teams should be required to release accurate injury reports. I’m having trust issues!

Luis Castillo – Looks like he might be headed to the DL with a strained quad. Castillo has had strained quads for 6 years. That’s like putting Willie McGee on the DL for ugliness.

Josh Hamilton – He is the only player in the majors who has gotten better since he’s been off drugs.

Just drafted in my ‘pert 5×5 15 team league that was organized by RotoRob. I drafted 13th. Peavy was just taken and I took Pujols. I asked for comments. One comment was, “BALLSY,” another was, “I was gonna if you didn’t,” another was, “…A first rounder has to be no worries.” Pujols? Question marks? Well, I got him. Anyway, here’s the rest of my team:

1.      (13)      Albert Pujols
2.     (18)     Carlos Lee
3.     (43)     Troy Tulowitzki
4.     (48)     Nick Markakis
5.     (73)     Aaron Harang
6.     (78)     Jeff Francoeur
7.     (103)     Rich Hill
8.     (108)     Francisco Cordero
9.     (133)     Yunel Escobar
10.     (138)     Chad Cordero
11.     (163)     Corey Patterson
12.     (168)     Adam Wainwright
13.     (193)     Kerry Wood
14.     (198)     Kevin Kouzmanoff
15.     (223)     Carlos Ruiz
16.     (228)     Mike Jacobs
17.     (253)     Edison Vólquez
18.     (258)     Scot Shields
19.     (283)     Melky Cabrera
20.     (288)     Brian Fuentes
21.     (313)     Chuck James
22.     (318)     Jon Rauch
23.     (343)     Tom Gordon

These notes were jotted down during the draft. Cause that’s how I do:

1. I’m taking Pujols because I have balls. And I’m stupid.

4. Nick Markakis – The Greek God of Roto may just end up on every one of my teams and I’m not complaining. He’s going 30/20 and I’m going to douse myself in Ouza in October. Some schmohawks I didn’t want that went in this round: Mauer, Roberts, Byrnes, Kinsler (I like Kinsler but not this high) and Carlos Guillen.

5. I really need a pitcher. Please let Haren fall to me. Nope, just taken. Okay, come on Harang… Come to Papa. I don’t care if Dusty is gonna throw you out there for the twelth inning of a tie game…. Damn, it’s a pitching run and I don’t know if Harang’s falling to me…Got him. Now I don’t feel so good about it. Oh, well. Now I need another bat.

6. Just took Francouer and was seriously contemplating Josh Hamilton. Guess who got taken right after Francouer? Farkin’ hey. Oh, well. I think Hamilton is riskier than Franceour. Besides, he goes by Frenchy and he hit a crapload of doubles (40) last year.

7. I’m taking a 2nd basemen, unless Weeks, Kent and Johnson are still on the board. Then I’m taking a closer. BTW, there’s been very few closers taken. Guess everyone’s reading Matthew Berry. That’s sad. As I write that someone takes Lidge. I like Lidge. This is too high. Then Saito. Okay, here’s the closer run I heard about on ESPN messageboards. All the 2nd basemen are still on the board and I’m not folding to the closer run. Watch me zig while everyone else is zagging. Rich Hill!

8. Ok, I have to take a closer now. Otherwise, I’m punting.F-Cord. Eh. Nothing else to say. First pick of mine that I’m not crazy about, but I just couldn’t take Hoffman. He enters to Hell’s Bells, that was popular when Tim from RotoRob was young. Tim’s old. From what I hear. I don’t know.

9. Okay, really need a 2nd baseman now. Fo reals. Not to mention, my team is slow. I think I’m gonna reach for Yunel cause I don’t trust Matsui with his anus problems. Okay, that was a severe reach on my part, but I needed a 2nd baseman and Kent’s not doing it for this team I’m building.

10. And now I have both Cordero brothers and Hoffman’s still on the board. And as I type that, Hoffman’s gone.

12. I have a feeling I’m getting Wainwright on this team too. Hmmm… Maybe the Cards will be good this year. Yeah, I don’t believe that either. But got him.

13. In honor of IowaCubs, a frequent commenter, I took Kerry Wood. You’re welcome.

14. BTW, I really need a 3rd baseman. (BTW II, Everyone filled up on 3rd base so I was able to hold off for a long time.) It’s important to keep an eye on every other team’s needs. Okay, school’s out.

15. Guess who’s coming next? If Ruiz is there, he’s mine. Oddly enough, Varitek is still on the board again. And I’m not taking him again.

16. And I got Mike Jacobs again. Okay, I’m done with hitting for a little while. Unless someone really falls.

17. Just looked at who is left out of the starters. Well… They are saying good things about Volquez, right? Pickins’ are slim. It’s between Garza, Marcum and Volquez. Gonna have to take the upside this late. Wow, I’m going to be watching a lot of Reds games this year. Some picks I liked this round: Accardo, Matt Diaz, Franklin Gutierrez, JD Drew and my pick. Some picks I didn’t like: Colby Rasmus and Homer Bailey.

18. I was between Okajima, Fuentes and Shields and I went for the track record. Not sure I don’t want this pick back. But Zumaya and Arroyo went right before him and I like my pick better than those two. Now I’m praying Manny Parra gets back to me. Wow, that was quick. Two picks later he went.

19. I was between Marcum and Melky. I really needed a starter but Melky was falling too far. Wouldn’t you know it, Marcum gets taken right after Melky.

22. I was between Shawn Hill and Jon Rauch. Briefly considered how awful it must be to be a Nats fan then went with Rauch.

23. All done in 2 hours. Phew, this league went really fast. Actually, thank God it’s over because I had to take Tom Gordon with my last pick. Well, I didn’t have to, but he is closing in Lidge’s absence. So maybe I can vulture some saves in the beginning of the year. It was between him and… I’m not saying because I might want to grab him off of waivers.

Overall thoughts:

This team feels really solid if my projections come to fruition. Unfortunately, I have a lot riding on Pujols’s elbow. I need 100/30/100 from him otherwise I might be scrambling. So what do you think of my team?