Fantasy Baseball Advice

Someone who’s friends with Dr. James Andrews just sent him this email, “Yo, Grisly Andrews, quick question. Am I holding onto Hudson or should I pick up Campillo? Also, love to have you over again for dinner, but Mary says you can’t reconfigure a chicken from the bones and scraps. It freaks out the kids. Peace!” Let’s see, so far this year, Dr. James Andrews has seen Hafner, Marcum, McGowan, Estelle Getty, Mulder, Austin Kearns, Freddy Sanchez and now Tim Hudson. That is a Dean’s List of broken dreams and unfilled promises.  As we move into August, you have to make hard and fast decisions and go with the hot hands. So, with that in mind, I’ve already dropped Hudson. His injury sounds like it might need surgery. Even if it doesn’t, an arm injury on a guy who’s playing for a team that decided to pack it in sometime on Monday is not a good thing. In deeper leagues, I probably won’t wait longer than a few days to cut ties with Hudson. It was a good run while he was out there and it’s not goodbye, it’s see you maybe next year. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jorge Posada – Done for the year. You can go ahead and back date this to April.

Michael Young – Fractured his finger, but vows to be back in a week. I believe it. This guy is so set on getting 200 hits every year I could see him not wanting to score a winning run in an extra innings game just so he might get another at-bat and a chance at another hit. Let’s hope Young never gets to 3000 hits, because if you thought Wade Boggs’s induction into the Hall of Fame was boring, you’ve seen nothing. At least Wade’s speech had the “Is he going to mention Margo Adams?” factor and the “Is he going to start eating chicken?”

John Maine – Shoulder tightness forced him out of the game. In ten team leagues, he’s the next guy I cut. I’m looking at Ubaldo, Meche, Randy and Wandy. (BTW, Wandy should pronounce his name like it rhymes with Randy. Cuz that would be awesome, possum.)

Salomon Torres – Kazaam!

Casey Kotchman – HR yesterday, now 3 HRs in a week. And that’s one home run for every mention of him I’ve done in the past week. That’s my quota. He’s now off my list and I won’t mention him again.

Ian Snell – 7 IP, 4 ER and got the win. This was his second win since April 12th. Wow, what a razztastic season.

Jeremy Guthrie – 6.1 IP, 1 ER, 4 Ks and the win. This performance bought him a two week reprieve on all of my teams. (Maine and Hudson’s injuries didn’t hurt either. I mean, they did hurt, so that aided in Guthrie’s reprieve… Oh, forget it.)

Mike Mussina – 5 IP, 6 ER. Currently reading The Corrections.

Kevin Slowey – Shutout, 6 hitter, 5 Ks. Great start, but I’m not looking at grabbing him in any league. Am I as smart as a 5th grader? You decide.

Alex Gordon – 3-for-4 with a HR. Also the HR was his first against a lefty all year (so of course it came on the bench in the few leagues where I still have him. Sonavabench!). To call Gordon a disappointment up until this point, would be like calling the Astros’ Randy Wolf trade questionable.

Adrian Beltre – 2 HRs. As I mentioned to my Nana and Popsie, Beltre is good in the 2nd half of the year even when he’s not good in the 1st half.

Zach Greinke – 7.1 IP, 2 ER, 11 Ks and the win. I’d point out how I traded Melky to Rudy for Greinke three months ago, but Rudy’s 21.5 points behind me at this point so it would be cruel to point out anything to do with his team. I probably shouldn’t even be mentioning that he’s 21.5 points behind me. I definitely will not be mentioning that I’m also beating him in our Razzball league. By a lot.

Adam Jones – 3-for-6, 5 RBIs, HR. I think Michael J. Fox in “Lucky Man” summed it best when he said, “I became so intoxicated on the nectar of money and the ambrosia of unlimited possibility, that I fell completely under its influence, forgetting for a time that it wasn’t real.” So true, Michael J., but Adam Jones is for real. And has the best ESPN player photo to prove it.

Josh Hamilton left yesterday’s game with a sore knee. Well, you knew the injury was coming at some point. The good news is he didn’t leave immediately so it couldn’t have been too bad, right? Um, yeah, hopefully. The bad news, he’s a recovering drug addict and as we all learned from Dylan McKay’s battle with drugs on 90210, addicts can’t take pain killers. This banged up knee should serve as a reminder to all of Hamilton’s fantasy baseball owners. He’s not only injury-prone, he doesn’t bounce back that quickly. Maybe it was the years of huffing? Maybe he sold his soul for a bag of rocks? Who knows. But at some point you might lose Hamilton to a more serious injury, don’t rely on him for everything. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Dave Bush – 7 IP, 1 ER. All he does is pitch quality starts!… Actually that’s a complete lie. He had about two years in there where he was unusable. I’m still not going anywhere near him.

A.J. Burnett – Pitched well, but I imagine a quick ten runs of support is psychologically similar to when I drink Tequila. “My bad, officer, I had no idea roof surfing like Teen Wolf was illegal.”

Jay Bruce – Batting seventh last night. Gotta love rookies, right? Well, I told you to sell high on May 31st and, if that didn’t convince you, Karabell told you Bruce would be this year’s Braun.

Alexis Rios – Hit a home run against Arroyo. (Then again Arroyo gave up ten runs in one inning to the Blue Jays. An extremely hard thing to do.)

Reed Johnson – Hit the 15-day DL retroactive to June 18th. This gives Little Patterson a bit of breathing room. Gotta look at Eric Patterson in deep leagues, if you can get past his striking (out) resemblance to Corey).

Ramon Hernandez – Has hit in 6 in the row, 9 out of 10. If you can remember back to March, Ramon (that’s Nomar backwards!) was on a lot of ‘perts’ lists as a sleeper. Well, he’s now getting hot. I don’t think Hernandez is done; I also wouldn’t drop Doumit or better for him.

Mark Buehrle - 1 ER in 8 IP. I spot started Buehrle on one team that lost Wainwright. Worked out okay. I may not start him again, but I felt better about it than last week’s Oliver Perez spot start. Speaking of…

Oliver Perez – He gave up 6 ER to the Giants in a third of an inning on 6/2. Then he pitched well against the Padres and the Rangers. Then he was lit up by the Angels and Mariners. He gets the Yankees next. You can probably find a better spot start.

Shawn Hill – 6 ER in 3 IP. *sitting down* Ouch, that hurts! *trying to sit down again* Ouch, still hurts!

Jonathan Sanchez – Dirty Sanchez doesn’t do him justice. His stuff his so nasty from now on he will be known as Filthy Sanchez.

Ryan Doumit – He returns and hits a home run. Tell me who’s better, Doumit or Soto? Tell me!

Mike Napoli – Crapoli was in a horrific slump before last night’s game. Maybe this breaks him out. Watch him as if your life depends on it. Or at least your crazy aunt’s life. She loves you and her cats!

Kevin Slowey – 7 Ks, 0 ER in 6 IP. I do have a soft spot for Slowey, but for a guy that gives up a lot of home runs, this was a peach matchup. So, for those in Latin America, caveat emptor.

Jeremy Guthrie – I’m glad I didn’t have to send off my strongly worded letter to the Orioles offense about the importance of run support.

Trevor Hoffman – He was Kazaam’d.

Zach Greinke – As many of you already know, I traded Melky Cabrera to my blogmate Rudy Gamble for Zach Greinke. Soon after the trade, Rudy dropped Melky to waivers because of poor production. Last night Greinke K’d 10 on his way to a quality start/win. This is turning into a trade similar to Doyle Alexander for John Smoltz or Jim Fregosi for Nolan Ryan or Valerie Harper for Sandy Duncan. Hey, Rudy, turn on some sad songs and grab a pint of ice cream, cause you’ve been Greinke’d!

Mike Gonzalez is now the closer of the Braves. Right? Right…. Kinda. He’s going to be closing games when he’s available. Cox may take it easy on him since he’s coming back from Tommy John surgery. Gonzalez was not rushed through rehab, so that’s a good thing. Barring an injury, there’s no reason why Gonzalez can’t save 20 games this year. (<—– That’s my projections for Gonzalez.) Soriano might grab another couple and Acosta might snatch a few more. Mike Gonzalez is not some schmohawk that just turned up on the Braves roster. He was an effective closer on the Pirates. He can be again. If Ryan Franklin and Salomon Torres can earn saves, then goddamnit, so can Mike Gonzalez. Okay, now go pick him up. As if he’s still on waivers in any league.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw in fantasy baseball yesterday:

Carlos Zambrano – Left the game with an apparent injury to his shoulder. Maybe it was the 3.7 million pitches he’s thrown in the last year or two.

Jeremy Guthrie – Guess his line. Seriously. I’ll wait. *taps foot* Okay, I’ll tell you. 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 H, 1 BB, 8 Ks, no decision.

Russell Branyan – Do I have to mention him? People know what’s here, right? Three Outcome Dude — HR/K/BB.

Oliver Perez – **Writing this before the game** 6 IP, 7 Ks, 2.00 WHIP, 6.00 ERA **okay, back** I was high on Ks, but right on for IP, WHIP and ERA. I have to say, I didn’t feel confident about this one because he’s so erratic. I started him in one league where I’m hurting for pitching and now I’ve dropped him for Campillo (whose next start is against the M’s).

James Loney – Hit HR yesterday, now hitting over .390 for June. He still yawnstipates me.

Kevin Kouzmanoff – Sore back that could land him on the DL. Headley started at 3rd and hit a HR. Yo, Kouz, you’ve been Pipp’d. (Now Headley just needs to start another 2129 straight games. Just in case, we should call him Biscuit Pants.)

Barry Zito – 5 R in 2 IP.  SI.com informs us he’s not provided adequate value for his large free agent contract.  Thanks, SI.com.  I guess it could be worse – they could’ve put him on the cover and jinxed him.  That prevented a maple bat from shattering and slicing his guitar strumming hand. Hey, Zito — stubble is for winners!

Johnny Damon – He’s hitting .433 in 67 AB since June 1st. Cust kayin’.

Homer Bailey – Back to the minors. I have a vision of what I’m going to write in March of ‘09, “Don’t draft Homer Bailey. Way too risky. BTW, I love these new flying cars.”

Chase Utley – He is 0 for his last 20.  Just as disturbing, a cat in Philadelphia was left stranded in a tree as a little girl cried for help.   We still believe in ya, Chase.  It’s just a bad week, Champ, right?

Nomar Garciaparra – Hit a home run and is due to be back next week as the Dodgers SS. Sounds like everything’s going right for Nomar, but he looked glum after the game. When asked why, he said, “I forgot to make Mia lunch. She’s gonna kill me.” Aw, Nomar. That’s a sad emoticon for you.

Geovany Soto – Hitting .213 since June 1.  Next thing you know he’ll be picking a fight with Carlos Zambrano.

Hard Rock Cafe – It was announced that a Hard Rock Cafe will run a restaurant in the Yankee outfield.  Can’t wait to hear this guy jam there.

Sidney Ponson – The Yanks just signed him.  Hey Bawston, I got your Colon right here!

David Ortiz went straight from DH to the DL. If there was any justice, he’d have at least gotten some time at DJ. So this is our rap ode, a ’sixteen’ if you know what I mean and watch Miss Rap Supreme….

David Ortiz – you partially tore your tendon,
Ain’t no good for slapping, ain’t no good for bendin’,
You’re the Big Papi…suckaz all try to copy,
Your belly’s like Buddha’s, theirs is lookin’ all sloppy.
Now you’re out of my lineup – ay dios mio,
My smile is gone, mi corazon es frio,
Thought I’d pick up Lyle Overbay – homey, I gotcha
Maybe LaRoche, is that French for cucaracha?
Sexson and Millar and Dmitri and Barton,
Have been MIA so long, they be on a milk carton.
Maybe I’ll trade – give up some relief pitchin’,
But even if it works, other leaguemates be bitchin’.
I’m pouring some out of my forty – that shit be real fittin’
Because that was the total of homers I thought you’d be hittin’
Now I got none other than Mike Jacobs,
Here’s hoping the Sawx are rained out 60 straight — need makeups!

Anyway, don’t bother with Sean (Big Yappy) Casey unless you’re in a Razzball league.  Here’s what else I saw yesterday:

Oliver Perez – There’s very few pitchers who can pitch well for three months at a time, yet you’re still waiting for the other shoe to drop. That thud you felt tonight. That was the shoe.

Jay Bruce – Hit another home run yesterday. SaltyBiscuits (this is his real name) had some observations in yesterday’s comments about Jay Bruce. I thought it was only fair to share — SaltyBiscuits, “I once saw Jay Bruce hit 3 home runs with one swing. He scored 11 runs on the play and was awarded 3 bonus rbi’s due to his sheer awesomeness.” “Anyone notice Jay Bruce’s strange top hand adjustment during his batting stance? He kind of takes his hand off the bat for a second, almost like he is fixing his jersey. Well, it turns out that the mechanism in question is government regulated. It was instituted to prevent Jay Bruce from using full strength during his swing, which would have sent batted baseballs thousands of miles into the atmosphere causing damage to aircraft, satellite and migrating birds.” “Bud Selig has decided that Jay Bruce is no longer permitted to hold his baseball bat in the traditional fashion. From this point forward, before each at bat, Jay Bruce is given the choice to either hold the bat upside down or swing blindfolded.”

Melky Cabrera – I gotta be honest with you, if his name was John Smith. I’m not sure I would ever mention him. Last seven games, Melky is hitting .350.

Jeremy Guthrie – He do what he do. Quality starts. That’s all he does. And lose. He does that too. Remind me never to watch the Orioles again. Very frustrating.

Albert Pujols/Chase Utley – I never looked at Yahoo fantasy baseball before this year. I thought Rotoarcade was the guy I call when my lady decides to put her female “stuff” down the toilet. So I checked out the “big board” the other day. These guys are lucky Hater Bell has his hands full with Eric Karabell. Pujols is having a solid season, but he’s number one? I have him on one ‘pert team. Let’s just say, I’d offer my Benihana Buddha collection for Chase Utley. That means something! Also, why is Tim Curry the guy in charge of this “big board?” I thought William Fichtner stole all of his gigs.

Adam Wainwright – Ill-timed home run by Jason Michaels. On a related note, I hate Jason Michaels.

John Smoltz – The old man blew a save. Maybe he was a little rusty from being 41 or from throwing three trillion innings in the last 20 years. If you have him, you better hope he’s fine because now you’ll officially be selling low. Not an ideal situation.

Ryan Spilborghs – Back and batting third for people who keep track of that sort of thing. Won’t last past Holliday’s return, but there’s value for a week.

Ian Stewart – Fifth game at 2nd base. He’s better than the Alex(e)i twins.

Ben Francisco – Hit a home run in the two hole. Recognize! Actually, I’ve cooled on him since I picked him up last week, but he’s still on one team. Not sure for how long. Maybe ‘ever! (Is that apostrophe cutting off an “n” or a “for?” You make the call!) (Actually, it’s probably a “for” since an “n” wouldn’t really make sense. And that folks is how you go back-to-back with parentheses!)

Casey Blake – 2 HRs/7 RBIs. Andy Marte can’t catch a break.

Josh Hamilton -16 HRs/65 RBIs which is roughly 77 HRs/180 RBIs in street value.

Aaron Laffey – Marginal fantasy pitcher + game in Arlington = ugly

Jake Westbrook – Thanks for punching the clock. You can go back on workers’ comp now.

Mark Teixeira – Hit a home run. If anyone’s keeping track of these things, Teixeira is a 2nd half hitter. Zoinks! (BTW, His last name breaks the ‘I” before “E” rule and it trips me up every time. I’d go with Tex, but that’s a lame nickname. Mex would work for me, but that’s Just For Men. If someone can come up with a good nickname for him, I’ll give you the geocaching coordinates of a treasure that only me and a Hasidic Rabbi know about and, because of kosher laws, I’m the only that can get to it!)

Dioner Navarro’s batting in the .370s. Crapoli’s got ten home runs. Olivo’s not missing Miguel Cabrera’s hugs as much I thought he would. JR Towles seems at least a year away. AJ Pierzynski’s doing well — for him. Benjie Molina’s doing well — for Victor Martinez. Victor Martinez is doing well for Nick Punto.  I’ve split my teams between Navarro, Crapoli, Olivo and McCann. So far the team that has struggled most offensively is McCann. “Well, ain’t that the weirderiest of things, Grey?” Not really. And weirderiest isn’t a word. I overspent on McCann costing the rest of my team. Moral of the story. Punt catcher aka trade away any catcher that can fetch you something. So your homework assignment is to trade away Victor Martinez. If someone believes he’s going to turn it around, then turn them around, bend them over and… Well, get a piece for your team that you need. Anyway, here’s some more fantasy baseball players to buy and sell:

BUY

Rickie Weeks -His current 40 runs, 7 HR, and 9 SB are comparable with Upton and Phillips. His 19 RBI are a casualty of hitting 1st on an NL team. While he hit .235 last year, he’s improved all his fundamentals, his K rate is down from 28% to 21%, but his BABIP is .229, really low for a guy his speed. He should be able to hit at least .260 the rest of the way. Assuming, of course, he stays healthy. His .201 average lets you buy low. (BTW, if those numbers above spun your head a little, just take our word for it. He’s due.)

Jeremy Guthrie – 12 starts, 10 are Quality Starts. “Well, jeez, Grey, that’s a fluke, right?” Last year, he had an ERA of 3.70 in 175 IP. Don’t make me try and guess your password and pickup Guthrie for you.

Prince Fielder – Sure, the only thing up this year is his BBs. (That’s Boca Burgers, not walks.) So what are you worried about? He’s not fat enough to hit home runs? As Richard Simmons might say, “He’s got saddlebags like I have handbags, girlfriend!”

Alex Gordon – I was really counting on him coming out the gate hitting to his ability. Well, that didn’t happen, so if you don’t have him, I’d go out and get him because he had a solid 2nd half last year.

James Shields – They took the “Devil” out of their name. You don’t have to be scared of them anymore.

Chone Figgins – I don’t like all speed guys personally, but I also ask for three plates because I don’t like my condiments mixing. You gonna do everything I do? I know Figgins’s DL’d for his legs. I also know his owners are considering dropping him and would take just about anything for him. If you have an open DL spot, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t make a run at him. Just know you may have to sit on him for three weeks to a month, but it’s a long season. That burst of speed in July may be exactly what you need.

Kevin Kouzmanoff – Another sophomore (the “o” is silent, like when you make love to your woman — oofa!) that is struggling more than I would’ve liked. But he came on (your woman while you were playing fantasy baseball– ouch!) last year, and can do it again.

Justin Huber – Psyche! Just making sure you’re paying attention.

Jorge Campillo – Left his last start with a finger boo-boo, so I was going to leave him off The List, but I’m mentioning him so you keep an eye on him for his next start.

Dan Wheeler – I’ll reenact a comment from late March, “The Nats say Cordero will be back next week, should I bother with Rauch?”

SELL

Joba Chamberlain – Expectations are unrealistically high. When everyone’s zigging, what do you do? Zag, man, zag. Don’t, obviously, trade him for Tony Pena Jr. and a walk-on part on Gossip Girl.

Jay Bruce – If you got him off waivers and your offense is already stacked, you could move him for a very valuable pitcher. Bruce probably won’t bat .500 for the rest of the year. Cust kayin’.

Conor Jackson – Mark Grace, who I think is the best color man currently working, watches Conor and says, “He looks a lot like me.” Gracie’s got a point.

James Loney – Gracie looks at Loney and he says, “Loney wishes he were me.”

Ryan Ludwick – The Queen’s Assassin aka Vincent can hit 25 home runs. He’s at 13. You do the math.

Carlos Gonzalez – I popped a zit into my bathroom mirror and it spelled out, “Good prospect, but little light on the seasoning. Has value in AL-only.”  What other fantasy baseball ‘pert oozes this kind of knowledge?

Adrian Gonzalez – He trends to be a 1st half player, but he doesn’t have enough trends that support me selling him for fifty pence on the pound. Get value, or hold onto him.

Ben Sheets – “Maybe I didn’t say this aloud to all of youse, but the guy can easily” search that phrase on Google and you’ll see why I’m saying to sell. BTW, in that post you find, I’m remarkably brilliant. Prescient to a tee. Mustachioed to a fault. Only the David Murphy and Justino German blurbs seem slightly off and let’s be real, neither of those things really hurt you much. *pats self on back*  Self replies, “Don’t touch me.”