Fantasy Baseball Advice

Here’s what’s gonna happen.  You’re gonna be out at a family BBQ for Memorial Day.  Your weird uncle that has coke bottle glasses is going to ask your girlfriend if she’ll pass the potato salad just so he can get a glimpse of her bra when she moves her arm, and then your friend is going to text you, “Anthony Rizzo called up!  I grabbed him… Lqqk who sucks –> You!  Say hello to your mother for me.”  First thing you’re gonna think is, why are you friends with this guy?  Bad enough he’s an ass, but he uses Q’s for O’s.  Second thing you’re gonna think is, why you didn’t grab Rizzo and stash him a week ago?  He is absolutely raking in Triple-A:  .359 average, 13 homers in 37 games.  LaHair’s obviously not getting benched, but he can slide into the outfield and Rizzo will be playing 1st base for the Cubs by June 5th.  You can wait until June 4th if your league needs Nerf to supply the balls, but, in most leagues, you better grab him soon.  In the meantime, let’s start calling Rizzo “The Scer.”  You know, if Phil Rizzuto was The Scooter.  Okay, maybe that doesn’t work.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Dale Thayer – Street’s closed, use alternate route.  I’d consider going down Thayer.  Street’s supposed to open again in a few weeks, but city planners and construction have already closed this Street 15 times in the last few years from just wear and tear.  Chances are it’s up and running again are never definite.

Brian Fuentes – I understand people’s hesitation about picking up a guy that’s lost closer jobs before.  How about when you lost the job at Buffalo Wild Wings because you didn’t do the Dracula sneeze and sprayed the wings?  You still landed on your feet at Pita Palace and they didn’t judge you, right?

Addison Reed – Imagine a scenario where you have to go to the bathroom, but to get to the restroom you have to stand on line behind a fat kid trying to pick out an ice cream flavor at a shoppe with 50 flavors.  That fat kid is Robin Ventura.

Casey Janssen – Sergio Santos’s return is imminent.  And so is Lohan’s acting career, if you believe her manager.  Take closer news at face value, then pick up the guy who is currently getting saves and rub it in the face of the ‘imminent’ closer.

Christian Friedrich – Christian sounds like such a handsome guy’s name.  I wonder if it’s a self-hating Jew thing.  Any the hoo!  I don’t know how long Friedrich is going to be worthwhile.  King of the Obvious, “He pitches his home games in Coors and he’s raw,” but his next start is vs. the M’s.

Wei-Yin Chen – Wow, this week’s starters aren’t looking good, but if you own Wei-Yin and Bruce Chen, you can change your team name to “I Got More Chens Than Yo Momma.”

Alex Cobb – I’d go by Al Cobb, if I were him.  I wish I could shortened my name.  Gr?  What the eff is a Gr?  That’s a Lisa Simpson sound effect.  Gre seems pointless.  Gr-Al?  What am I, Superman’s home planet?  Actually, I am.  Don’t touch my crystals!  I wouldn’t go near Cobb in most leagues, but in AL-Only he’s fine.  Shoot, in Al-Only leagues, he’s a first round pick.  Especially with the injury to Al Albuquerque.

Trevor Bauer – Tyler Skaggs could’ve been here too.  This is the time to grab rookies that might see a June 1st call-up.  In my heart of hearts (which is a second baboon heart that I have located inside my human heart), I don’t think we see Bauer until July-ish, but he’s worth the speculative add.

Bud Norris – He’s over my arbitrary 50% owned cutoff (65%), but that’s why it’s arbitrary.

Welington Castillo – I just went over him this morning.  Scroll down.  No, your other down.  Since that morning’s post was written, Soto’s headed to the DL.  Don’t shed any tears for Soto, his knee already did that.

Danny Espinosa – You know what these Buy/Sells are?  They’re player groupings (ploupings?) of all the guys I’ve told you to grab throughout the week.  What I think some other sites do for their weekly Buy/Sell is see who I’m touting all week and then list them.  I’m not bragging when I say this.  I’m fact checking, snitches!

Everth Cabrera – Called up by the Padres to take O-Dog’s spot.  If you need 20+ steals from your MI, EverCab is the man (he’s also available for bar mitzvahs).

Brian Dozier – Hey, he’s hitting!  (Okay, I got nothing else nice to say about him, but he is hitting right now — it’s all I got!)

Elliot Johnson – See what I said about Dozier but Find and Replace ‘hitting’ with ‘stealing.’

Freddy Galvis – Freddy is okay; he’s okay, Freddy!  Freddy is okay; he’s okay, Freddy!  Now steal some bases, you Smooth Criminal.

Todd Frazier – I just went over my Todd Frazier fantasy.  I wrote it while performing “Stairway to Heaven, Mon” with Dread Zeppelin.

Nolan Arenado – If you missed out on Frazier in deep leagues, you’re gonna miss out on Arenando too and you’re gonna be waiting for Danny Valencia to get recalled and then cry to sleep.  You wanna cry to sleep?  C’mon, do a headstand with that frown!

Josh Bell – He’s another third baseman that should be playing for his major league team right now.  He’s hitting crazy good in the PCL (almost .400, 4 homers in 22 games), but, as we know, hitting in the PCL is like hitting on the moon with an aluminum bat.  For now, Bell’s a solid stash in deep NL-Only leagues.

Yonder Alonso – He’s hitting for average, but he has 1 homer and 1 steal.  BWAHAHAHAHA!  I mean, c’mon.  Move the fences in, Petco overseers!  (And the bases to forty feet apart from each other.)

Chris Heisey – Dusty Baker said he likes Heisey to play every day (if Ludwick wasn’t on the Reds).  Heisey could get 20 homers and 10 steals (if Ludwick wasn’t on the Reds).  I’d grab Heisey in all mixed leagues (if Ludwick wasn’t on the Reds).  Can’t we get Dusty a team where he has no options?  Could someone tape Ludwick and Bailey’s mouths shut, put them in a gorilla suit and ship them to Africa?

Xavier Avery – SAGNOF for Xavery!

Gregor Blanco – There was a legion of Blanco fans (The Whiteys?) that came out of the woodwork the other day when I didn’t mention he was starting for the Giants.  He’s basically a steals guy that might hit a handful of homers, if you had a woodcutting accident and only have 4 fingers.

SELL

David Wright – If you look at our BABIP vs. AVG chart, you’ll find Wright, um, right, there towards the top.  There was one other year he had an inflated BABIP.  The year was 2009.  It was during that year we saw MTV announce it would play more music from 3 AM to 4 AM, The Weather Channel began airing weather-related movies leaving the elderly to wonder where the tornado was and why Bill Paxton was reporting weather and, finally, Al Gore invented running water because he got bored of the Internet.  Also, that year, David Wright had a BABIP of .394, by far his highest BABIP year, and hit .307.  That year he also hit 10 homers.  Now, I’m not saying he’s only going to hit 6 more homers this year or that he’s going to hit .307.  But he’s most definitely not hitting .400, and 20 homers or 20 steals look around his ceiling.  The counting stats will be there, and I don’t think you should trade him for a Fairly OddParents DVD, but his value is high, and may not get higher.

Sometimes when you take the fielding coach a little too literal, this is what happens.  Miguel Cabrera came face to face with his fielding fears and a baseball and the baseball won.  A sharp grounder shattered his sunglasses, leaving his right eye a bloody mess.  The good news for Miggy, the doctor prescribed a 15 ounce porterhouse.  No word if Miggy put it on his eye with or without A1 Steak Sauce.  Just thought of something.  Since the 2012 All-Star Game is in Kansas City, I’m sure George Brett will throw out the first pitch.  You thought he was mad during the Pine Tar Game, wait until he sees Miggy and Hanley playing 3rd.  From early reports, it sounds like Miggy will be fine, but Tigers won’t release Miggy’s face X-rays until after this posts on Tuesday, so I’m keeping my fingers crossed.  An&yswy, hiacte’s– Sorry, I’ll cross my fingers after I’m done with the post.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in spring training for 2012 fantasy baseball:

Joakim Soria – Has UCL damage, which isn’t related to damage caused by a drunk UL Washington.  Or as Van Morrison would say, “His elbow doesn’t feel good.  His elbow doesn’t feel right.  His name is Soria.  S-O-R-I-A… And his name is Soria… S-O-R-I-A…”  There was talk that Soria should’ve been traded a few years ago.  I tend to agree, you don’t have a $12 salad if you can’t make your rent, but that’s neither here nor there now.  Some reports are saying Broxton will fill in as the closer.  I think Holland will close in Soria’s stead.  If you’re desperate for saves, I’d grab both of them.  At this point, it’s not clear who will take over the role.  I think it’s only about a 55% chance for Holland to be the closer, so you better grab an umbrella.

Chase Utley – Phils are reporting that he won’t be ready for Opening Day.  Well, they’re saying doubtful, but I’m saying he won’t be ready.  He has lingering pain in his knee and hasn’t had one at-bat all spring.  If you already drafted Utley, then you had to know this was gonna happen.  Chase’s knee hit every branch on the way down the Utley tree.  Or maybe his knee wore out hoisting strippers against a wall.  If you haven’t already drafted Utley, I’d push him down a few rounds.

Hong-Chih Kuo – Mariners released Kuo after he gave up 14 runs in 6 2/3 IP.  Guess the M’s weren’t happy with the *pinkie to mouth* status Kuo.  This is the second time Kuo has battled the yips.  Maybe it’s in honor of Yip Yip, the cartoon Taiwanese dog that likes to pickle his milk bones.

Carl Crawford – Yesterday, he took 20 swings off a tee.  The day before, 10 swings.  By June, the Red Sox are gonna have a portable fan.

Corey Hart – Could play as soon as Friday in a minor league game.  No word on whether or not Corey Hart will be wearing sunglasses.

Michael Brantley – Left the game for “precautionary reasons.”  He’s listed as “day-to-day.”  He should be back in “a few days.”  The preceding was brought to you by Zagat.

Jarrod Parker – Was sent down to the minors for a black man’s first name.  That’s some cold sheeeeeeeeeet!  We’ll probably be seeing Parker in a few months once Tyson Ross and Graham Godfrey, with his loud, piercing voice and penchant for roasting opposing players, overstay their welcome.

Brad Peacock – Things aren’t looking good for my sleeper pickock.  Hoping he still makes the rotation, but at the moment it’s looking like a long shot.  He’s a top fifty prospect and breezed through Double and Triple-A last year, so I’d hold tight for the time being.  Though I am fully expecting the ax to fall on him.  Sad emoticon.

Yoenis Cespedes – Will be the A’s starting center fielder to start the season.  No word on whether Yoenis’s brothers, Nick and Joe, will travel to Japan to watch him play in the opener.

Gregor Blanco – Word is it would take a “cataclysmic event to keep” Blanco off the Giants roster.  Like Bochy finding a hat that fits him at Lids.

Rich Hill – Talk about a name from the past.  Red Sox are saying he may get in a game this month.  You know what I always liked about Rich Hill?  The Sniglets.

Travis Wood – Was shelled yesterday.  Or to put it to you all punny like, Wood was knocked around.  After the Cubs said Samardzija was set for the rotation, this isn’t great news for Wood.  Or Wood’s going limp, if you will.

Jordan Schafer – Due to a sprained hand, Schafer won’t be back into action until Thursday.  Need to put your Zimmermania on hold for now.

Skip Schumaker – Sticking with the newly established theme of guys that sound Jewish but aren’t, Schumaker has an oblique tear.  Vague!  In related news, Allen Craig’s rehab has been progressing well.  Here’s Oregon Nut Cups’ Allen Craig fantasy.  He wrote it while chasing the dragon.

Chris Carpenter – May make his spring training debut this weekend, so he might still be back for Opening Day.  I’m still no fan; not in the Carl Crawford sense either.

Tsuyoshi Nishioka – Was optioned to the Rochester Red Wings, which will soften the blow since that sounds like a Japanese baseball team name.

Vladimir Guerrero – Sounds like he might play in Japan.  If someone signs him, that’ll say something since Japanese teams are limited to only one non-native player with an L in their name.  While over there, maybe he can record an album, “Live at Vladokan.”

Chase Utley went 0-for-5 as he returned from the DL.  My favorite advice by fantasy ‘perts is when they tell you to get a returning superstar into your lineup.  Do people often leave their 1st round picks on the DL when they’re playing?  Is this something I need to tell people?  While you’re at it, get Pujols in your lineups too.  Oh, and put on some pants before you get arrested.  Another returning middle infielder with an oh-fer yesterday was Dustin Pedroia.  Scrappy Doo fought hard to come back early, so he might not be at his usual 110%, but at, say, 80% he’s Dustin Pedro and that’s enough for me.  The last man to recover from the 2010 Middle Infieluenza Epidemic was Martin Prado, who actually had some hits with a 3-for-5, 2 RBIs night.  [dur] Get them all in your lineup. [/dur]  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jacoby Ellsbury – Has a fractured rib.  Sounds like he’s donezo.  Just think, all the frustration you put up with this year owning him was your sacrifice for everyone who gets him cheaper next year.  Good karma to you.

Ryan Kalish – 1-for-4 with a grand slam.  With the D’Ellsbury situation, Kalish will play every day and he’s hitting .300 with 2 homers in 15 games.

Omar Infante – 2-for-4 with a steal even with Prado returning.  As predicted here (after I talked to my psychic), Infante is continuing to play (and hit).

Mike Minor – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  His changeup is nasty.  Don’t make me break up the word to emphasize it.  All right, fine!  His changeup is… Nas.  Tee.  He made Zimmerman look silly on a few pitches.  He won’t be in the rotation forever, but I’d own him while he’s there.  Get all over him in keepers.

Josh Willingham – The other white meat is out for the season with what they’re calling a bum knee.  Was he sleeping in a cardboard box?

Mike Leake – Heading to the bullpen to limit his innings this year.  But can’t Dusty now throw him every day?  Hmm…

Luke French – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Don’t even think about picking him up.  This was as good as it baguettes with French.

Matt Tuiasosopo – 2-for-4 with a homer.  Not much to see here other than the best last name that you can’t pronounce.

Curtis Granderson – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer in four games after going 3-for-3 yesterday.  I’m a bit worried about even mentioning him because I know if you still own him, he’s probably on your bench.  If he’s in your lineup, you probably aren’t reading this.

Austin Jackson – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer.  I’ll be honest; I didn’t even think he’d be batting .300 as late as May 15th and he’s still at .302.  But, potatoes to chips, he’s also putting up 2nd baseman-ish numbers.

Brandon Morrow – 4 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Okay, so maybe he was still a little spent from his last game.

Coco Crisp – 3-for-4 with 2 steals.  Now has 18 steals in 46 games.  Member when Billy Beane was against steals?  Or maybe that was Brad Pitt.

Hisanori Takahashi – Jerry Manuel said Takahashi will be his closer.  He said that yesterday.  Obviously it could change tomorrow.  For now, Au Bon Japan!

Kila Ka’aihue – Had his 2nd 2-for-4 game in a row yesterday.  Not worth grabbing outside of deep leagues yet, but I’m watching him.

Gregor Blanco – 2-for-4 with his 4th steal in the last four games (though 3 of them came in one game).  The Royals are playing him and he might be trying to prove his worth on the basepaths.

Wilson Betemit – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in his last three games.  It’s feast or famine for a lot of these peasant Royals.

Pat Burrell – Hit his 11th homer after the Philly fans gave him a standing ovation.  I’d say it was a classy move, but I think it was “If You Slept With Pat The Bat You Get In For Free Night.”

Jose Guillen – 2-for-4 with his first homer as a Giant.  Poor Andres Torres has to play the entire outfield.

Angel Pagan – Was benched yesterday for Fernando Martinez because of Pagan’s extended slump.  In non-keeper leagues, it might be time to thank Pagan for his services and start looking elsewhere.

Ricky Nolasco – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Is it already that time of the year where he gets everyone’s hopes up for next year?  Prepare yourself for this March commenter, “Grey, check it, brah.  Nolasco’s sick.  March commenter out!”

Logan Morrison – 2-for-5, now hitting .400 in the last 7 games.  This is just my weekly check-in to say Morrison’s hitting for everything but power and the power will come.

Eric Young Jr. – 2-for-3 with 2 steals.  The Rockies announced that Young will be playing every day and hitting leadoff.  That’s an immediate add across the board where you need steals from a middle infielder, which I imagine is just about everyone.

Jhoulys Chacin – 5 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He looked rusty then he got nailed.  I’d give Chacin another chance or at least hold him for another start on your bench.  Or you can just grab…

Daniel Hudson – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners (zero walks), 10 Ks.  Now has a 2.12 ERA in four starts since joining the Diamondbacks and 41 Ks in 45 1/3 innings.  In his upcoming starts, he’ll get the Rockies in Arizona, Giants, Astros and Giants again.  Looks good to me.

Will Venable – Member last week when I mentioned Venable in the SAGNOF post about cheap guys who can give steals?  No?  I don’t really either.  Neverthehoo!  Venable has 3 steals in his last two games and 5 in the last ten games.

Randy Wells – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Wells’ last four starts have gone like this… Quality start, 6 earned runs in 5 innings, quality start, 6 earned runs in 4 innings.  So that leads to… Ooh, Wells pitched great, I’m going to grab him.  Then you put him in for the 6 earned run game.  Dah!!!  So you bench him for his next quality start.  Then you think he’s fine and you put him back in there for the next shellacking.  Wells hates you.  Don’t shoot the messenger.

Matt Garza – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Another extravaGarza!  He’s been a rich man’s Wells for the last month as he alternates good and bad starts, as well.

Wilton Lopez – Astros’ General Mills said before yesterday’s game that Brandon Lyon would be the closer moving forward.  Naturally, Wilton Lopez gets the save.  Lopez hasn’t been bad this year and might get some saves here and there.  Brandon Lyon would still be my pickup if I were vulturing for saves.

Hunter Pence – 2-for-4 with 2 homers.  I feel like I haven’t talked much about Pence this year, but he’s been a solid #3 fantasy outfielder.  18 homers, 15 steals while batting .287.  I’ve seen shabbier.  Oh, and he’s hitting .455 over the last week.

Jim Thome – 3-for-5 and his 4th homer in the last week.  He could retire, return at 50 years old and still hit 20 homers.  If he didn’t have to walk back and forth to the plate, he’d probably hit 25 homers.  All that walking is for young folk.

Colby Rasmus – Out with a calf strain, won’t be back until Friday.  La Russa must be terribly upset about that strained calf.  Hopefully PETA talks him down.

We at Razzball realize that exporting our views across the country has damaging consequences on the blogosphere. To help make amends, we are reaching out to leading team blogs and featuring their locally blogged answers to pressing 2009 fantasy baseball questions regarding their team. We feel this approach will be fresher, more sustainable, and require less energy consumption (for us anyway). The 2009 Braves Fantasy Baseball Preview comes courtesy of Braves Journal.

1) Jason Heyward & Tommy Hanson, what can we expect of them in 2009? Any big league action? If not, when?

No on Heyward, who hasn’t played above a-ball yet. Hanson is a possibility, though the Braves shouldn’t need him to start the season. If I had my way, every pitcher would get at least two-thirds of a season at AAA before being called up, and better yet a full season. The sooner he’s called up, the sooner things have gone wrong.

2)  You ever see The Bucket List?  It’s one of the worst films ever.  It’s not funny, or dramatic.  And Morgan Freeman’s teeth are a distracting mess.  The Bucket List reminded me of Francoeur’s 2008.  Please tell me those doubles of 2007 will finally turn to home runs in 2009.

I wish I could.  Just from observation, Francoeur’s bat has slowed down dramatically over the last two seasons.  A lot of the time last year, he would take a seemingly mighty swing and hit a 280 foot fly ball to left field.  Moreover, he has to start swinging when the ball is thrown, so he’s totally guessing on if it’s a ball or a strike. Basically, his bat is dead, or at least not at all well.

3)  You know who I’ve heard good things about for 2009? Blanco.  Do I need new sources? Is he even the starter for 2009?  Who can we expect in center?

No starter has been set yet, but Blanco has been playing well in winter ball.  Of course, he played well in winter ball before last year.  He has two problems — he completely lacks power, and he strikes out a lot.  He will take a walk, but unless he can add a lot of batting average or a lot of power, he’s trouble as a regular.  Josh Anderson is probably a better defensive player and has a little bit of power (not much), but doesn’t walk.  I think one of the two will start the year in center, but Jordan Schafer will end it there.  Or the Braves could sign the bloated corpse of Andruw Jones and see if they can reanimate him a little.  They missed him on defense last year, but not as much as the Dodgers missed him on offense.

4)  Give me the rotation and which new addition has you the most excited?

Derek Lowe, Javier Vasquez, Jair Jurrjens, Kenshin Kawakami, and probably Jorge Campillo.  Vasquez looks like the best starter to me, though Lowe will start opening day, health willing.  Vazquez is a good pitcher who since he flamed out in the Bronx has been pitching in hitters’ parks, mostly in front of bad defenses.  If the Braves’ outfield defense returns to its normal standards, he can thrive.

5)  13-year-old kids have zits longer than they have mono, yet Casey Kotchman had mono for, like, 6 months.  So in the Razzball Glossary, we call a player who is out for longer than expected as, “Pulling a Kotchman.”  We toyed with Glass Chipper for the injury-prone Chipper Jones, you got anything better?

Not really.  Something along the lines of “Chipped,” maybe?   My personal most-used neologism is a “Prado,” or “to Prado.”  This is when a player makes an egregious defensive misplay (like dropping the relay on the double play) but isn’t charged with an error.  It happens to Martin Prado a lot, both the dropped DPs (“You can’t assume the DP”) and some plays that are so bad that the scorer kind of has to call them hits.  I also used “Grybo” for inherited runs once upon a time, because Kevin Gryboski would come in, allow two runs to score to bloat someone else’s ERA, and see his drop when he finally got out of the inning.