Or is it Philly adds pap shmear to their J-Roll? What, icky? Sorry, friend. The Phils signed Jonathan Papelbon to a silly deal of sillier proportions. Maybe the Phils should move to the Santa Ynez Valley because their replacement of Madson is a sideways move. <– movie pun! Well, for whatever reason the Phils don’t like Madson and what he brings, so they got themselves a marquee name to close out games. I don’t think this changes Papelbon’s value whatsoever. Or what so ever, if you like to space out. You know whose value does change? Welcome to the bigs, Daniel Bard! Wait, he’s already been in the bigs. Damn you, devil, get out of the details. Here’s hoping Bard authors saves instead of losses like in September, otherwise hearing the Bahd is closing might be as stressful to the average Southie as the bahr is closing. Though, I’d be a real Gomer to not consider the Red Sox may just bring in a different big name closer to fill the role. Though, Part II: It’s One Of Though’s Again, I do think they’ll give Bard the ball in the ninth and he’ll be terrific. Throw him in the donkeycorns, kids, and giddy up. Anyway, here’s some more offseason moves so far and what they mean for 2012 fantasy baseball:
Melky Cabrera – Traded to the Giants. Luckily, I heard Sandoval’s lactose-intolerant or he might’ve taken a bite of Melky’s arm. Melky was going to be overrated going into 2012 and now he moves into a pitcher’s park. That’s a fold to the dealer’s picture card. If he hits 15 homers and .260, color me surprised with a lime-scented marker.
Jonathan Sanchez – Goes the other way to the Royals. Actually makes more sense to me that the Giants send away Filthy Sanchez then get Melky. The Giants were fed up with Sanchez walking seven guys in four and two-thirds. Never the hoo! We’re talking fantasy not real baseball (whatever that is!) and Filthy can take down any hitter on any given night. The question has never been his ability. He’s the 25 to 1 gamble that you pray makes good on his promise.
Lorenzo Cain – Will take over for Melky. Last year when I praised Cain, here’s what I said, “He has 20+ steal speed and some light pop. Best case scenario, he puts up a Victorino-like season. Worst case scenario, he’s unownable and while you’re dropping him to waivers you throw out your back and end up in traction. I imagine in most leagues, he’ll be drafted as a “cool pick” then dropped before the first week ends. In AL-Only leagues, he’s a great endgame sleeper pick.” And that’s me quoting me! For the short attention spanners, he’ll be a flyer worth taking in all leagues because of his 10 homer, 20+ steal potential.
Grady Sizemore – Likely to land an incentives-laden deal somewhere. If one of his incentives is “Help Grey win a fantasy championship,” then I’d draft him. Otherwise, it’s been real and fun but not really fun.
Rod Barajas – Signed by the Pirates. Barajas is Spanish for “even in a deep league you’re not drafting him.”
Pat Burrell – Retiring so he can have more time to sleep with your wife.
Jamey Carroll – Twins signed him. Nothing says offensive boost like a guy with a girl’s name. Hey, I hear Greta Van Susteren can hit a curve. Go after her, boys!
Wilson Ramos – Was kidnapped by gunpoint, but found safely by authorities. His kidnappers said they decided not to use Ramos as one of their keepers.
Marlins – Revealed their new logo, which looks a lot like this.
Alex Gordon and Jeff Francoeur were shut down for the year because the peasant Royals want to give Lorenzo Cain and Jarrod Dyson a full three days to show their worth. Gordon’s line this year was 101/23/87/.303/17. Terrific! Wonderful! Tonderific! But if you peak under the hood, things aren’t as they seem. His BABIP is .358, easily a career high in the majors. His walk rate and line drive rate dropped from last year, and his ground ball rate nudged up. His homers and speed look about right, but if luck goes against him those two categories could get affected. He’s probably much closer to a .280 hitter with 17-20 homers and 12-15 steals. With just a tad bad luck, he becomes a fifteen homer guy with 10 steals and a .265 average. That’s far from spectacular. That’s spectaculess. I just made that up; you like it? You use it. As for Frenchy, his line was 77/20/87/.285/22. Oh, well, that looks pretty normal– Wait a second, 22 steals?! Where the eff in the effhole did those come from? His previous high was 8. He always failed to take pitches like he needed some ADHD medicine, but now he’s running the bases like it too. “Sorry, first base coach, whatever your name is, can’t stay at 1st, gotta run, peace!” That’s Frenchy, and he can’t even stop for a period at the end of sentences; he only has time for commas. He’s always been a notorious bad ball hitter. This year Frenchy swung at 41% of balls outside the strike zone, which is actually high for him, and his percentage of balls swung at inside the strike zone was actually down. Only thing that changed this year, he made more contact with pitches outside of the strike zone. If that stops along with his whacked out of his mind stealing, he may use 2012 to revert to his old ways, so it’ll be hard to give Frenchy my arrondissement. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Psyche! Before we get into the roundup, I just wanted to announce a very good friend of mine is putting on a one man show in Los Angeles. If you go see the play, you may just run into yours truly and my significant other — my mustache. If you can’t make it to Los Angeles or if you’re in Los Angeles but afraid to leave your house, you can buy his book. Anyway II, the roundup:
Hunter Pence – 3-for-5 with his 21st homer. Hey, that homer can drink legally! After Pence sat out for three games with a sore knee, it was good to see him return, unless you had him on your bench like I did. Sonavabench!
Jacoby Ellsbury – Hit his 29th, 30th and 31st home runs yesterday. For the Sox’s sake, it’s too bad he can’t pitch.
Francisco Liriano – 1/3 IP, 5 ER in middle relief. How’d he go from one of the best arms in the game to mop up duty? When Dr. James Andrews tells people 9 out of 10 pitchers agree with the good doctor, I think I know which one doesn’t agree. “I feel like Bruno Mars’s forehead, big and empty!” That’s Liriano talking through a translator.
Wilson Ramos – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in his last three starts. I specify his last three starts, because the Nats have been sitting him every other game. It’s really important to get at-bats for Pudge, whose nickname wasn’t always ironic, and Jesus Flores? Rhetorical!
Stephen Strasburg – Nats announced he would have an innings limit next year. The GM said that innings limit has been semi-calculated. The equation he used was pretty straightforward: A Reinjured Strasburg = No Job.
Wade Davis – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. Nice end to what’s been a pretty terrible season. His K-rate was atrocious and it wasn’t like he was getting unlucky with his 4.45 ERA. Usually the third year a starter is in the majors is when their breakthrough comes, which next year will be for Davis, but I don’t have high hopes here.
Jason Bay – Didn’t play Sunday and was pulled from Saturday’s game because of illness. Illness sounds like it should be managing the Mets.
Nolan Reimold – 2-for-4 with his fourth homer in the last ten games; also he’s hitting .300 over the last week. He’s either hitting really well recently, or it’s an illusion to get people to draft him again next year.
Robert Andino – 1-for-2 with a steal. After 136 games, he has 13 steals with 4 coming in the last week. I don’t get that. Did he just suddenly realize he’s fast? Was he auditing a summer class from the University of Phoenix on base stealing and he just passed? If you have speed, then run.
Brian Matusz – 5 IP, 6 ER. On the year, he gave up 59 earned runs in… Guess how many innings. Wait for it… Here it comes… Wait, where did I put it?… How did it end up in my glove compartment? Anyway, in 49 2/3 innings. That gives him the worst single-season ERA in MLB history (10.69). On the bright side, for the record he beat Halladay’s 10.64 ERA of 2000. Then again, Halladay was throwing with his left hand that season.
Grady Sizemore – Shut down for the year. Backdate that to the moment his flash went off in front of a mirror. Use any definition of the word flash you’d like.
Asdrubal Cabrera – Left Saturday’s game with an elbow contusion and didn’t play Sunday. On a side note, I think Asdrubal should follow Ichiro’s lead and have just Asdrubal on his jersey. Imagine parents taking their kids to a game and covering their eyes when they see Asdrubal.
Shelley Duncan – 2-for-3 with his 7th homer in September. I feel sorry for all those that had to high-five him during his torrid month. He’s always so intense. Here’s him at a post-game press conference.
Felix Hernandez – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 13 baserunners, 2 Ks and was pulled from the game after being hit by a comebacker. Over the winter, I want a 500 word essay from him about what he did this summer that made me no longer love him.
Miguel Cabrera – Hit a homer in his third straight game, then left due to lightheadedness. After the game, he said he prefers Amstel Light-headedness.
Matt Holliday – 2-for-7 over the weekend as he returned. La Russa, wearing a jacket made from veggie burgers, said as long as Holliday’s healthy, he’s going to be out there. Now it’s a judgment call whether you should play him. I wouldn’t necessarily go back to him if I had options that were hitting.
Jose Bautista – After crashing into a wall, he stayed in the game for five innings only to then leave with a knee injury. I think he should be fine. My mom was right, I could’ve been a doctor. “But, mom, there’s a whole lot more zeroes in blogging. Though that’s not zeroes as in money.”
Brett Cecil - 3 1/3 IP, 4 ER and ends the year with a 4.73 ERA and 1.33 WHIP. Somehow, I’ll find a way to make him seem attractive yet again next year; you just wait and see!
Carlos Gonzalez – As reported here first on Friday after inferring shizz from other sources, CarGo is done for the year. As I said in the preseason, “He’s a bumps-and-bruises, miss-a-few-days-here-and-there type guy. Those day-to-day things can turn into more.” And that’s me quoting me!
Kevin Kouzmanoff – 3-for-6, 5 RBIs and 2 homers. Don’t mess with The ‘Noff.
Josh Willingham – 1-for-4 with his 28th homer. I’d put $5 on The Other White Meat getting to 30 homers, if I were a betting man. Okay, if I were a betting man on things I actually know and not just random rolls of a die.
Torii Hunter – 1-for-3 with a steal yesterday, and a homer on Friday and Saturday. Not the same homer, that would be weird.
Vernon Wells – Slam & legs yesterday and 4 homers in the last 8 games. You looking at his 25 homers and 9 steals on the year, “Hey, Vernon Wells had a good year? Who knew?” You looking at his average, “He hit .220? Crimey a river, Justin Timberlake.”
Adrian Beltre – 3-for-4 with his 30th homer and 101st RBI while hitting .293. I don’t get it, is he gonna try to renegotiate his contract?
Ian Kinsler – 3-for-4, 3 runs and a homer and two steals. Totally just padding his stats to get to 30/30 and I love it. This is why all players should have to own themselves in an H2H league with 50% of their contract in their fantasy league pot. I wonder if the union will go for it.
Emilio Bonifacio – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games, and he’s 7 for his last 13. Can you tell I don’t want the season to end? This is like the longest roundup ever. Bonifacio is hot, moving on…
Ricky Nolasco – 2 IP, 6 ER. Ends the season with a 4.67 ERA. Somehow, he’ll be hyped again next year by everyone but me. “Hey, ESPN analcyst here, and I want you to look at Nolasco’s strikeout to walk ratio. He’s awesome!”
Clayton Kershaw – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks and his 21st win to go along with his 2.28 ERA, 0.98 WHIP and 248 Ks. Even with an injured knee, that had Ethier dancing.
Justin Upton – Left the game after being hit in the head by a Lincecum fastball. Tests are showing no signs of a concussion. Too bad. I was hoping he’d return as Jason Bourne and bring down Justin Morneau for trying to kill my fantasy teams.
Dexter Fowler has been hotter than a junebug on the back of a furnace’s ass, or some other yokelism. Dexter? I hardly Fowler! Huh? In his last seven games, a .423 average and 2 homers. He’s not good for anything more than the occasional dinger, which only sounds talk between a wife and her friends. He is hitting on top of a lineup that puts up runs and he has speed. While he’s hot, I’d grab him everywhere. Don’t get left out in the cold. Remember you can’t spell Denver without Dexter envy. Or you can’t spell Dexter Fowler without DTF. That’s Doubles Triples Forget about homers. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
David Murphy – He was nearly the lead for today’s Buy post. That’s how much I like him. You have to really strike a nerve about needing to be owned in every league to get the lead, but you have to come close to striking said nerve to almost be the lead. Talk about the pinnacle of one’s career. Put it on the back of your ball card, kid! You almost made a Razzball lead!
Alex Presley – And he almost-almost made the lead! Wow! It’s raining praise like a church that mysteriously appears in the Bermuda Triangle! (<–Confusing comparison of the day!)
Alex Rios – He didn’t almost make any lead. I kinda don’t even want Rios to do anything because I absolutely know it’s just going to cause people to come out of the woodwork next March asking about him. “Buh-buh-buh-but, Grey, sir, your almighty ‘stacheiness, Rios was good last September. Big things in 2012, right?!”
Alejandro De Aza – Alejandro is hot like Mexico! And just think, when he’s no longer worth owning, you can tell your friends you just did the Alejandrop. Don’t get sad! Imaginary friends work too!
Kosuke Fukudome – It’s the week of the hot outfielders, huh? It reminds me of that week in 1993 when Jim Eisenreich was in the middle of a 7-for-12 stretch but Philly fans still wanted to throw batteries at him because he kept cursing at them.
Jon Jay – He has 2 homers and hitting .522 in the last week. I got Federalisztomania! What, no Phoenix fans? You, “I thought French rock was a stale baguette.” You’re such a snob!
Jason Kipnis – Nothing goes better with a bagel and cream cheese like Eli Whiteside. But Kipnis is good for a nosh if you need a middle infielder.
Scott Sizemore – ESPN wrote something recently saying Sizemore could be a sleeper in 2012. Way to take a stand! Of course he’s going to be a sleeper. The problem is the A’s need to move their fences in about 1.2 miles. In all directions. You could have a front row seat by 1st base and need binoculars.
Trevor Plouffe – His last name sounds like the sound a turd makes when it hits the toilet water. Hehe. Sorry, that’s juvenile. But, seriously, he-effin’-he. Um, so he’s been hot– Sorry, I have to move on. His name’s just too ridiculous.
Juan Francisco – I spy with my little right eye a worthwhile add for right now in NL-Only leagues. Since Rolen is following in Glass Chipper’s footsteps, I imagine Francisco will see the majority of the at-bats for the remainder of the season, which means he could become mixed league sexy. Otherwise known as a swinger.
Dayan Viciedo – He’s done nothing but swing a hot bat since his call-up, so of course Ozzie benched him the other day. Oh, Ozzie, you make me a little crazy. *shaking fist at the sky* A little crazy!
Cliff Pennington – Has good speed and can teach you how to golf.
Dee Gordon – He’s good for steals. Yadda3. On a side note, I was thinking about how I can’t imagine Don Mattingly ever getting fired. Maybe because I grew up in the tri-state area when he was a God, but I can’t picture any scenario where Mattingly is blamed for anything. “Ooh, it’s Donnie Baseball, it’s his back’s fault the Yankees aren’t winning.” The Dodgers will have to be folded into the Padres (and the Dodres still wouldn’t have a good offense) to get Mattingly out of his job.
Marco Scutaro – Hitting .476 in September and…Ugh, don’t make me say anything else nice about Scutaro. He’s hot as of right now, that’s all I got.
Edwin Jackson – Hasn’t had a bad start in over a month…Which makes me think he’s gonna have one tonight because I just jinxed him. Stupid superstitions. Anyone see where I put my rabbit’s foot?
Bud Norris – BTW, I just went over borderline fantasy starters for the next week, and, really, this late in the season there’s no reason to look more than one week in advance in most leagues.
Bobby Parnell – Own unless you’re in a British ex-con league with a No-Bobby rule.
Kenley Jansen – Word out of the mean streets of sunny LA is Jansen or Guerra could be the closer next year. So those in deep keeper leagues who are looking to stick someone on their team for cheap this year that could have huge value next year, grab Jansen.
Jason Motte – Member during the 2010 preseason when I said Motte should be the closer? So I was a year and a half early. Well, here’s the thing, I time travel so much I sometimes forget what year I’m in. BTW, invest in AOL, they’re about to merge with Time-Warner.
SELL
Fernando Salas – I could see holding him in some leagues where you’re very desperate, but in most leagues you’re looking at a guy that might get a save or two or might be closing out the seventh inning. I.e., I’d prefer the apple sauce instead of the misspelled Mexican sauce.
Brandon Morrow – His next start is against the Sawx, who just mollywhopped him for 8 earned, and the Jays might limit him since he’s above his career high in innings. You guys had a good run. Get his address and go hide in his garbage can with a Jiffy Pop container over your head so you can see anytime you want.
John Danks – Who’s more infuriating than this schmohawk? A three hitter followed by an 8 earned run game. There’s gotta be better matchup guys on waivers. Move on, there’s nothing to see here.
Jair Jurrjens – He’s out until the playoffs. That’s nice. Later!
Grady Sizemore – I guarantee you, with his stats, if his name was Crappy McCrapstein, you wouldn’t own him.
Adam Lind – I hate to outright drop a guy capable of a four homer week, but it seems like his wrist is sore and his power looks zapped, and not zapped like that awesome early 80′s movie with Scott Baio. I wonder if him and Willie Ames are still friends. They were like peas and carrots. I bet David Aardsma is glad that Willie Aames devoted his prodigious talent to acting instead of baseball so he can stay first in the baseball dictionary.
This year Doug Fister has been a revelation like a Dorito in the shape of the Virgin Mary telling you it’s time to change your underwear. Mystically, making something out of nothing and turning it into a little something-something. 13 strikeouts yesterday?! Doode has never struck out more than 6 prior to this year. I never thought I’d say this, but I really like Fister and it hurts so good. Sure, I’m pretty easy. Strikeout some guys and I get all googly-eyed, but he now has a 2.64 ERA on the Tigers and a 3.17 ERA on the year with a 1.14 WHIP. Fister?! I hardly knew her! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Carlos Beltran – Missed yesterday’s game with food poisoning. You can call him Upchuck Beltran.
Dexter Fowler – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and 2 homers. Now has four homers in the past week. Pick him up in all leagues. For a while I’ve been saying he’s capable of being a poor man’s Shane Victorino. You know, Feign Victorino. So the power isn’t totally coming out of left field, um, center field.
Mike Stanton – Missed yesterday’s game and could miss several more. I’m pouring some of my forty out for you.
Jair Jurrjens – Will be out at least two more weeks. If you don’t have the DL room, wash that Jurrjens right outta your team.
Brian Dinkelman – 3-for-7 as he was recalled and started in both games of the doubleheader. Take that, Ryan Seacrest!
Sergio Santos – In first game of the doubleheader, he didn’t start the ninth in a save situation then came on, gave up a run and was pulled for Chris Sale. Santos is the closer still, but Ozzie’s been known to flip the script on sanity occasionally.
Zach Stewart – 9 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 0 Walks, 9 Ks. Brilliant start, obviously, but in his last game vs. the Twins he gave up 6 earned in 4 2/3 innings and that’s just as likely to happen again next time. Too late in the year to trust a rookie pitcher. BTW, in Chicago, Zach Stewart’s fans should dress up like bears and they can be known as the Stewart root bears.
Jason Bay – 2-for-4 with a homer. I feel dirty even saying this, but he has two homers in the last three games. He’s obviously not a spectacular option, but he might be okay for a week or so.
Grady Sizemore – 0-for-4 as he returned from the DL and hit leadoff. Just in time for the Indians to pretend they still have hope for the playoffs. Crazy the only real race in baseball is the Rangers and Angels and I don’t really buy the Bobby Grichville Angels have much of a shot for the playoffs. Maybe Selig will cook up some new crackpot way to get more playoff races. Bud Selig, “We’re gonna have a Wilder Card team next year and that team will play the All-Star game winner and then the winner of that will be an automatic World Series team. Yes, that could mean the National League All-Star team might play the Brewers in the World Series, which will mean Prince Fielder’s on both teams. It’ll mean ratings. Die, football, die! My toupee will now take questions.”
Henderson Alvarez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks. He’s been solid in three of his last four starts, but with H2H playoffs and roto championships on the line, I wouldn’t risk it with Alvarez this year. Of course it depends on how much risk you need to take on.
Brett Lawrie – 1-for-3 with a steal and a walk-off homer. Desmond Jennings who? OH, NO, YOU DIDN’T. I did, Al Caps. NO, YOU DIDN’T. I did. DAMN.
Tim Stauffer – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K. He totally roped me in again. I saw Petco and the weak Giants lineup and I gave him another whirl and he defecated on my teams. He’s probably just tired, but if he can’t be counted on in Petco vs. the Giants he’s so done.
Billy Butler – Yesterday, he hit two homers. One for each of his oversized areolas.
John Axford – Threw a clean inning for his 41st save. Now has a 2.23 ERA, 1.21 WHIP and 75 Ks in 64 2/3 innings. His face is a bit too over-adorned with a soul patch, but he’s having a great season. Too bad he’ll probably end up being drafted too high next year.
Robert Andino – 2-for-5 with his 3rd homer. After his big game, he posed for his CBS profile pic.
Mark Reynolds – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 32nd homer and 6th steal for the slam & legs. It’s been almost 10 days since the last time I said if only he’d hit .260. If only he’d hit .260…
Erik Bedard – Next start is getting skipped because he’s Erik Bedard and he’s never healthy.
Josh Beckett – Left yesterday’s game with a sprained ankle. His next start will probably be pushed back a few days as a precaution. Or maybe they’ll just wrap it in police caution tape.
Bobby Jenks – After undergoing a colonoscopy, Jenks has been ruled done for the year. The colonoscopy camera has been ruled done forever.
Mike Morse – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 25th and 26th home runs. Slash slash dot dot.
Derrek Lee – 1-for-3 with a homer. Is now 7 for his last 12 with two homers. On Friday, someone in our fantasy sports forums asked who to drop between someone, someone, someone and Lee. I told them to lose Lee. I’m sorry, friend. DL’s return from the DL has been bombastic, very fantastic.
Ubaldo Jimenez – 7 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks. Looks like he’s fixed whatever problem was bothering him… Actually, I’m not sure that’s the case, but it seems that way.
Madison Bumgarner – 8 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 13 Ks. How about You Can’t Get More Than Two In On This Bumgarner? How about that name, ‘son?
Pablo Sandoval – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and 2 homers. Elias Sports Bureau reported that with Butler and Sandoval’s 4 combined homers, there was more home run trot moob jiggling yesterday than ever in the history of baseball.
Scott Sizemore – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in 3 games. At least one Sizemore is performing this year. If you need a middle infidel with some pop, I’d go with Sizemore.
James Shields – 9 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 KS. Here’s a riddle for you: What do James Shields and George W. Bush have in common? If you answered, they both hit rock bottom when they were criticized by Kanye, you’re wrong, but I appreciate you trying.
Evan Longoria – 1-for-2 with his 25th homer and 2nd steal for the slam & legs, which is also a special at a Tampa area strip club. Longoria’s hitting .236 on the year, which is because of a ridiculous amount of bad luck. I’ll take him in the 2nd round of next year’s drafts without thinking twice about it.
Carlos Marmol – Threw a perfect inning for the save yesterday. Cubs say we are (not) Marshall.
Mark Trumbo – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in three games. He’s having a great year (26 homers, 8 steals). No doubt, Stefani. But his OBP is .297. Um, burp?
Dellin Betances – Yankees are considering bringing up their best pitching prospect for the stretch run as a bullpen arm. See Joba and Hughes for how I feel about Yankee pitching prospects, i.e. more hype than they’re worth. Stephen went over his Dellin Betances fantasy not that long ago. He wrote it while setting fire to a picture of me.
Jesus Montero – 2-for-3 with his first 2 major league homers. The lucky fan who caught Jesus’s first homer returned it in exchange for a piece of the Shroud of Turin.
They tore down the Lebron ‘Witness’ billboards in Cleveland. If only they waited a year, they could’ve changed them to Kipnis. And pasted it in Kipnis’s face. And, um, covered up Lebron’s body, replaced the basketball with a baseball….okay, scratch all that. Who’s to even say this Kipnis kid is great enough for a billboard and a one-way ticket to Miami in 2019? Let’s see what we know about Jason Kipnis. In Triple-A this year, he had 12 homers, 12 steals in 89 games, a near .900 OPS and his last name sounds like something you’d find at the Passover Seder. Almost every fantasy baseballer (<–my Mom’s term!) loved Chisenhall more than Kipnis. I did too. So far in the majors, the Chisen in the Hall has 2 homers, hitting .235. That’s big to the whoop. I only point this out because Kipnis is no sure thing. He’s young, i.e. raw, i.e. except after C. The one advantage he has to Chisenhall is he has more speed. Bats can get lost in the travel from Triple-A, but you ain’t losing your speed, assuming we’re not talking about mules. Because Kipnis has good position eligibility, he’s worth a flyer across most mixed leagues that use a middle infidel for the upside. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Orlando Hudson – Ran into a fence and needed to be helped off the field. Orlando Hudson was like vintage Michael Jackson. Off the Wall!
Cameron Maybin – 4-for-4, 2 steals and batting third for the Friars. Now has 7 steals in the last 6 games. It’s like he’s driving a DeLorean with Ron LeFlore in the go-go 80′s when everyone was on coke. None of this Red Bull crap! At this point, you have to own Maybin across all leagues until he cools off. Also, I’d say he’s going to be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell but he’s here now. No more Maybin for you!
Will Venable – 2-for-5 with his 18th steal. Now has a homer and 3 steals in the last three games. As a commenter was kind enough to point out the other day, Venable is a beast in road games.
Kyle Blanks – Anthony Rizzo was sent back down and the pushing-three-hundred-pounds Blanks was recalled. Now all three Padre fans can go to the park and be like, “Why is there a Nate Colbert statue on first base? Oh, that’s Kyle Blanks!” Randy Jones BBQ stand in right field better up their meat order. That’s not a solar eclipse, that’s Kyle Blanks letting out his afro. Hey, Orlando, Kyle Blanks doesn’t run into walls. He runs through them. Blanks, “Who likes Kool-Aid?” Okay, I’m a big fan of Blanks. If you need power, he’s about as good as they come. He was averaging around one home run every fifth game in the minor leagues this year and can do close to the same in the majors, even in Petco. His average may not sniff .250, so it’s an all or nothing proposition. Kinda like the difference between being in front or behind him at a buffet.
Javier Vazquez – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER vs. the 1927 Padres. Vazquez takes your trust and defecates on it.
Emilio Bonifacio – Has now hit in 20 straight games and has 19 steals. That’s nothing. His brother Charlie just snorted 5 lines and had sex with 2 hookers.
Carlos Gonzalez – Left the game with pain in his wrist. His fantasy owners should be pist. That’s injury problems for an Orlando and two CarGo’s in two days. I would not feel good about my luggage if I was on a Disney Cruise right now. Sounds like Carlos Gonzalez is headed to the DL.
Dexter Fowler – 1-for-4 with his 5th steal. Job just became more secure with the recurrence of CarGo’s wrist issue. Hopefully Dexter proves to be more than a serial average killer.
Tommy Hanson – 6 IP, 6 ER for the conshellation prize, which was more than Jhoulys Chacin could say with his 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners (7 walks) and 4 Ks. Now the 2nd straight poor start for both starters. Hanson gets the somehow-in-first-even-though-they-don’t-have-a-1st-baseman Pirates next and Chacin gets the Dodgers in Maybe We Should Sell The Naming Rights To Dodgers Stadium, How Does Dreamworks Stadium Sound? Two decent matchups, though Chacin faces Kershaw.
Ichiro Suzuki – 3-for-4 to up his average to .265. Is .265 the new .320? Adam Dunn and Dan Uggla raise their hand. Anyone else? I think there should be a new rule that anyone who doesn’t hit over .310, 50 HRs or steal 60 bases can’t have their first name on the back of their jersey. I suppose, to Ich his own.
Franklin Gutierrez – The Big FraGu stole two bases yesterday, but his average is .183. After having stomach issues earlier in the year, he hasn’t been a regular on the field or on the pot.
Miguel Olivo – 1-for-4 with his 13th homer. I don’t want to belabor this for fear of an aneurysm, but Olivo never hits one home run and disappears. He hits four home runs in twelve games then disappears. I provide the information, what you do with it is your choice.
Jake Westbrook – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks. Westbrook had everything going against him. He was an unemployed single parent that could barely take care of his kids. Then he got a job at a law office and single-handedly brought down a California power company. Wait, those aren’t my notes, that’s the back cover of the Erin Brockovich DVD. Westbrook isn’t someone I’d pick up with your team.
Ricky Romero – 7 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks. RR Cool Jay (see resemblance to the rapper (or is it just actor nowadays?)) has been hit hard in his last few starts (13 ER in 16 2/3 IP), but with the Ks he keeps doing it and doing it and doing it well.
C.J. Wilson – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks. Has that weird Dempster thing going for him. Mediocre reliever reinvents himself as a great starter. Somebody make Kevin Gregg a starter!
Jered Weaver – 7 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks. Season ERA is now 1.81. According to Elias, only five pitchers in modern baseball have had a sub-2 ERA after 20 starts. Elias also said, “Our batting average with women who like baseball and math is under the Mendoza line.”
Grady Sizemore – To the DL with a bad knee and a sports hernia. That’s what happens when you try to do a hilarious ‘knee to the balls’ blooper all by yourself.
