This year Doug Fister has been a revelation like a Dorito in the shape of the Virgin Mary telling you it’s time to change your underwear. Mystically, making something out of nothing and turning it into a little something-something. 13 strikeouts yesterday?! Doode has never struck out more than 6 prior to this year. I never thought I’d say this, but I really like Fister and it hurts so good. Sure, I’m pretty easy. Strikeout some guys and I get all googly-eyed, but he now has a 2.64 ERA on the Tigers and a 3.17 ERA on the year with a 1.14 WHIP. Fister?! I hardly knew her! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Carlos Beltran – Missed yesterday’s game with food poisoning. You can call him Upchuck Beltran. Please, blog, may I have some more?
They tore down the Lebron ‘Witness’ billboards in Cleveland. If only they waited a year, they could’ve changed them to Kipnis. And pasted it in Kipnis’s face. And, um, covered up Lebron’s body, replaced the basketball with a baseball….okay, scratch all that. Who’s to even say this Kipnis kid is great enough for a billboard and a one-way ticket to Miami in 2019? Let’s see what we know about Jason Kipnis. In Triple-A this year, he had 12 homers, 12 steals in 89 games, a near .900 OPS and his last name sounds like something you’d find at the Passover Seder. Almost every fantasy baseballer (<–my Mom’s term!) loved Chisenhall more than Kipnis. I did too. So far in the majors, the Chisen in the Hall has 2 homers, hitting .235. That’s big to the whoop. I only point this out because Kipnis is no sure thing. He’s young, i.e. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Curtis Granderson hasn’t had a lead all season and you know what? He deserves one, consarn it! Yesterday, he went 2-for-4 with 2 steals. If I was producing a 30 for 30 about my fantasy season, I’d just follow Granderson around with a camera. “Sorry, Grey, no homers today, but how about two steals?” “Oh, okay, Grandy,” as I look down in the mouth. “Hey, tomorrow I’ll hit 2 homers!” “Thanks, Grandy, you’re dandy!” This year he has 25 homers, 17 steals, 83 runs, 68 RBIs, a .274 average and a killer smile. Back in March, you would’ve took that from him for his overall season line and you would’ve liked it. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Let’s change the way we eat, let’s change the way we live and let’s change the Twins closer. Joe Nathan is now the closer with two saves this weekend. As I kinda said last week, Matt Capps was pitching so bad, he picked up Joe Nathan in his fantasy league. And that’s me paraphrasing me! Since Joe Nathan and Ron Gardenhire met on match.com many years ago, their relationship has blossomed from heated affair to full blown love. They’re even Facebook official. Assuming Nathan doesn’t cough up five leads in the matter of a week, he should have the closer job for the rest of the season. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Scott Baker – Placed on the DL with a muscle strain in his elbow, but is only supposed to miss one more start. Mr. Please, blog, may I have some more?
J.J. Hardy has been hotter than a Latin woman frying chorizo in the Sahara desert. Why she is in the Sahara is fodder for a J.J. Abrams movie. In 2008, Hardy hit 24 homers and .283 in his fourth big league season. Then poof. Nothing. He vanished. Or did he? It’s the real Hardy Boy mystery and, if he did it in a small bucolic town, it could be read as voiceover by Keith Morrison on Dateline. He’s still only 28 years old and capable of 20+ homers over the course of the season. Over the last ten games alone, 3 home runs and hitting .395. Next week, the moon! And Abrams might have a thing to say about why the moon too. If Hardy’s on waivers, I’d absolutely grab him to see if he can continue to hit and stay healthy. J.J.’s dyn-o-mite! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Tommy Hanson – Scratched from his Friday start with a sore shoulder. Hanson’s value goes Mmmmplop. Hopefully, he just needs a few days, but a shoulder problem… Well, just keep telling yourself he’s gonna be all right. Please, blog, may I have some more?
David Wright has a stress fracture in his lower back. It’s the new Mets, same as the old Mess! I find it hard to believe this is still The Curse of the Shirtless Bernazard, but who else is evil eyeing them? George Foster? (BTW, If George Foster ever evil eyed you for longer than 5 seconds, you’d turn to stone. Fact!) The Mets are downplaying Wright’s injury, but what else is new with the Mets? Let’s look at their truthiness in some recent reports: In 2009, “Reyes will be out for a few days.” In reality, he’s only fully recovered two years later. In 2009, “Beltran will be out for three to five days.” In reality, he missed two seasons. “K-Rod and his stepfather, an up and coming videographer, were remaking the “Beat It” video.” In reality, K-Rod blew Kabuki white powder into his stepfather’s face and hit him over the head with a metal chair. So the Mets are saying Wright might miss only a week and a half to two weeks. Um, okay. Even if he returns quickly, a stress fracture in his lower back isn’t going to hurt his power? Yeah, that’s rhetorical. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jose Reyes – 2-for-5, 2 steals. Now has 16 steals on the year. How do you motivate overpaid athletes? With the allure of being vastly overpaid. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Kendrys Morales is out for another 6 months with surgery to remove scar tissue. Who was the first surgeon to operate on him? Dr. Nick Riviera? Hey, boys and three girls! Bummer for the Los Angeles Angels of Not Los Angeles County…I mean, hello, Trumbo. Giddy up, snitches! The Sciosciapath has to play Trumbo now, right? I mean, probably. Can’t put anything over on that sly fox. And by ‘sly,’ I mean dumb. And by ‘fox,’ I mean not a fox. If you’re hurting for a corner man, this should be all the incentive you need to sound the Trumbo. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Grady Sizemore – It’s the return of Wounded Knee. Sizemore went for an MRI for his knee pain. In other news, water is wet, taco diarrhea burns and astronaut ice cream is delicious. If you own Sizemore, consider therapy to find out why you keep trying to hurt yourself with your life choices. “Why’s everyone in my living room? I was just going to move Sizemore to my bench.” “Billy, have you thought about trading Sizemore for a pitcher?” “No! He makes me feel special! I hate all of you!” “Why can’t you just do crank like your brother?!” That’s you on the show Intervention when your family confronts you about your fantasy draft choices. Now Sizemore’s MRI says (yes, the MRI talks) his knee is fine. Right. So let him play a few days, then you trade him. He’s not going to run this year, so what do you have with Grady? You have Beltran, Jason Kubel or a host of other some power, no speed outfielders. You don’t have the 30/30 Sizemore of yesteryear (2008). Please, blog, may I have some more?
These guys are ON FIRE…will they stay hot?
Ben Zobrist – He has been a sort of “super-sub” who’s managed to get a full season’s worth of at-bats over the past couple of seasons. His usefulness has been derived mostly from his flexibility, as he currently qualifies at 1B, 2B, and OF. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Ben Zobrist had a pretty good day yesterday. A double slam and legs and 10 RBIs. Zobrist’s wife, an aspiring singer of Christian pop music, wrote a song about Zobrist’s day called, “The Day The Lord Shined His Lovelight On Ben.” Its B-side is “Here’s The Church, Here’s The Steeple, God’s Fifth Outfielder Is Jason Kubel.” Both are pretty catchy. Kirk Cameron would rock them on his iPod. He’d unironically say, “Holy smokes! These are awesome!” Zobrist had a great day, doesn’t mean he’s the meow’s cat. His value may never be higher if you’re thinking you’d like to trade him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Casey Kotchman – Hit his first home run of the year as he went Mono y Mano with the pitcher. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Jonathan Broxton blew his first save because of an error and he’s out as closer. Hmph. The Dodgers’ GM Colletti said the Dodgers would turn to Padilla and Broxton with Kuo joining the mix when he returns at the end of the week. Hmph. Hmph. Mattingly then said last I checked Colletti doesn’t have a goatee and Broxton is still his closer, no committee. Hmph. Hmph. Hmph. Whatcha gonna do with all those hmphs? All those hmphs up in your trunk? Then Mattingly called Colletti a dwarf brain and shaved his goatee to reveal a cold sore. Got all that? Glad one of us does. I’d own Broxton and Kuo. Wouldn’t mess with this Padilla or this Padilla. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
James Loney – 4-for-4 with a steal. I almost wrote the other day how there’s no way Loney stays hitting .200, but then I grew bored and fell asleep… Snooze…
Phil Hughes – Underwent four hours of tests on his arm. Towards the end his arm just started answering C for everything. Please, blog, may I have some more?