Fantasy Baseball Advice

Closers are dispensable.  Izzy?  No he isn’t?  Kobayashi.  Got the kabosh. What’s next out of the closer gullet – cherry-flavored Perezes! Chris Perez is now in the Cardinals mix, snagging the save tonight.  Ryan Franklin has been exposed, so LaRussa might as well give the kid a shot.  Maybe Wainwright takes over at some point, but wouldn’t you rather him start instead of Piniero come September? As for Cleveland, their bullpen has already gone through more Indians than small pox. Joe-Blow, Betancourt, Kobayashi…. Might as well… I don’t know….use your best reliever in Rafael Perez.  No use saving him for lefty matchups in the 8th when your closer is just going to give up the lead in the 9th. Now if only the Mets could find a Perez. Shouldn’t be too hard – there’s probably a thousand or so in the phone book. Hell, throw Rosie Perez out there.  It’s hard to swing when you’re covering your ears from her voice. Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Gio Gonzalez – Doooodes, he looked good. I’m sorry. The numbers don’t tell the whole story. I watched him give up the 2-out home run to Barajas. I watched him strikeout some schmohawks. He may not be startable in all leagues, but I’m holding him in deep leagues. In keepers and AL-Only leagues, I’m really holding.

Joba Chamberlain – As expected, he’s been moved to the DL.  Brian Cashman has laid out Joba rules for the doctors – don’t test his shoulder on consecutive days, wear kids gloves at all times, and give him lollipops after his visits.

C.J. Wilson – Told you yesterday that he was headed to the Disgraceful List. Guess where he is now? Notice how I never say, I told you so. But I did tell you so. Yes, I just said I told you so. And again. Eddie Guardado will be the closer. Frank Francisco will be his setup man. I wouldn’t trust my dead grandmother’s life with Guardado. (BTW, she threw faster than Guardado. Still might.)

Bobby Crosby – HR yesterday. 2nd this week. He’s worth a looksee, even if his unhealthiness makes you want to take care of him. Don’t chew, Bobby….Momma Bird will take care of that.

Jody Gerut – Another HR yesterday. Now has 9. Or one more than Alexis Rios.

Nick Markakis – I am Sparkakis!

Mike Cameron – He’s streaky.  5 hits and 2 SBs across 2 games might be the start of something.

Shaun Marcum – 7 IP, 7 Ks, 1 ER. For those hoping this is the bounce back you’re waiting on, I say it was Oakland. I’d tread carefully.

Brandon Backe – After his 11 ER debacle last night, Backe seems to be challenging Barry Zito for the Sigh Young Award.  A 6-11 record with 5.35 ERA and 1.63 WHIP falls somewhat short of Zito’s 13 losses and 1.74 WHIP but there’s still 2 months to go….

Jeff Karstens – Nothing like a fresh start, eh?  On the Yanks, this guy is a poor man’s Darrell Rasner.  On the Pirates, he nearly throws a perfect game and is now scoreless in 15.  Rudy still stands by him for his Razzball team but might have to leave this shitpie on the window sill a bit longer for it to cool.

Elijah Dukes – Like many a Bowden Fluffer before, ‘Put Up Your’ Dukes has been put back down on the DL with a calf strain.  The lesson – don’t expect good health from a 5-tool player with a Jewish first name.  Elijah Dukes, Milton Bradley, Shawn Green….

Well, Blanton’s seat is still warm and here come the rumors of Gio Gonzalez’s promotion. Figures, a couple more bad starts and some illegal body shop in Oakland would’ve gutted Blanton and pimped out his carcass for a sweet ride. Yo, put some five-star Momos on Blanton’s legs and let’s bling out his grill! (EDITOR’S NOTE: The last guy to give Blanton a rim job was Michael Lewis.) Lest we forget the sad fate of Eric Plunk whose ulnar collateral ligament was repurposed as a remodeled Chevy Impala hood ornament. So what’s the most exciting thing about Gio Gonzalez’s impending callup? You can actually pick him up right now in Yahoo. Weird! So the question boils down to whether or not you should pick him up. Let’s see, he Ks people, he’ll be in a pitcher’s ballpark, he’ll be facing a sad sack division and people aren’t familiar with him. Of course you pick him up! (Why would you make me use an exclamation point?) Only thing, do you expect Volquez and get Cueto? Perhaps. But you keep getting in these relationships because you need the eggs. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy and sell in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Matt Holliday – I don’t know how cheap you can get Holliday, but there’s some news that he might be traded. If the Holliday owner in your league is getting worried, exploit him. Holliday’s in the prime of his career; his value won’t be squashed by a trade.

Eddie Guardado – I know, Everyday Eddie is a total schmohawk, but CJ Wilson is skating on thin ice. (As if there’s any other kind of ice in Texas — oofa! BTW, Austin is one of my favorite cities. Not sure why you needed to know that, but you did. It’s called sharing! If I had said I had tacos there that made my crap my pants, that would be oversharing. There’s a difference.)

Kevin Youkilis – I mentioned Youuuuuuuk in passing in my top 100 for the 2nd half when I said he was my dark horse for AL MVP. He’s still hitting well and, when he collapsed last year, he wasn’t hitting well in June let alone halfway through July.

Damaso Marte/Jonathan Broxton – These guys are the closers until further notice. There’s no reason you shouldn’t treat them as if they are Capps and Saito. If you can get them on the cheap, why not? (Bee tee dubya, next week at this time Corpas might be next to Broxton on that list.)

Jason Bartlett – Will be back next week. If you need steals, you can do a lot worse. I almost dropped Keppinger for him in a deep league, but someone beat me to it. Damn you, Fantasy Phenoms! But I do have Tulo returning, so there!

Carlos Zambrano – Not sure who remembers the ‘pert who I chastised a couple of months ago for trading Johan for Granderson and Ervin. Well, this time I traded with him (BTW, you can almost see his nuts in that picture). You would think from his trade history I would’ve received Arod for Iwamura, but no. I got Big Z for Jermaine Dye and Kevin Kouzmanoff, who I’m actually pretty high on for the 2nd half (not huffing high, but high nevertheless). I need starters in that league (I’ve lost Rich and Shawn Hill, Wainwright and Harang, in that order. Though it could be argued that I lost Harang some time in May.), Kouz was on my bench and Dye was a waiver wire pickup in the beginning of the year who I can hopefully replace with another waiver wire pickup, so the trade was what it was.

SELL

David Ortiz – Homered yesterday in his first minor league rehab game. Time to move him. This move is not without its risk. He could return and perform well for the final two months. Obviously his “well” is better than most players’ “well.” However, it’s going on a year and a half that he’s been banged up, it’s been a while since he’s hit like the slugger that caused a whole nation to buy Big Papi pillowcases from Montpelier to Saugus, the Sox will need Papi in the playoffs so they’ll baby him with days off and after a guy hits a home run on his rehab assignment his stock is at its highest.

Joe Blanton – Usually I’m all over pitchers entering the NL. I can’t get behind picking Blahton up.

Takashi Saito – He’s done. Or not, but you shouldn’t be waiting around for him. Roster space is precious this time of year. Drop him if you don’t have DL room.

Scott Olsen – Walking too many hitters and his upcoming schedule is a minefield.

Kyle Lohse – Doooode. Seriously. I have to explain this?

Hank Blalock – See Lohse or 1/38th of an inch above.

Ryan Zimmerman – I’m just not that into him.

J.J. Putz – You know what time it is, boys and possibly one girl? It’s time to figure out what the future holds by pulling out my voodoo bloody rooster ala Angel Heart. (I almost wrote bloody cock, but you can imagine why I was hesitant to write bloody cock. There’s some things you don’t joke about; a bloody cock is on top of that list because the list is called, The Bloody Cock List of Things You Don’t Joke About. But I digress.) Looking into my bloody rooster I see Putz returning, getting a few saves that aren’t always pretty, he reports pain, the Mariners shut him down because they’ve got the worst record in the league already locked up and see no reason to risk losing their Putz.