Greeting all! Tis I again, Tehol Beddict, your loyal and humble servant, here to help you out with all of life’s problems, and big problem many of you have right now is owning my boy Ham-bone AKA Josh Hamilton. The travesty that is the Angels 2013 season continues to baffle even baseball’s greatest minds. “Did it baffle Tehol Beddict the Great?” you might ask your friends and family, and the answer would be no. It’s well know that I hold the powers of Extrasensory perception (ESP to the laypersons), and one night while smoking mass quantities of peyote laced with the purest Colombian powders on God’s beautiful earth, I had a vision. A vision of the Angels having an impotently insignificant season a la Jonathan Taylor Thomas post Home Improvement. My visions have become a reality and am I the only one with a wood from that J.T.T. vid? It’s hard to envision the continuation of this disgraceful ball playing from Hamilton for much longer, as he should eventually turn it around. Or he could get hurt and along with Pujols, become shells of their former selves. Personally, I would never give up on Hamilton as he is one of my favorite players of all time, but I’ll let you make that decision for yourselves (or ask me in the comment section). Others are probably trying to low ball you for “Ham-borgini” as we speak. Don’t bite just quite yet, or you could end up coming up shorter than a midget on his or her knees. Here’s what else I saw this week thus far.
Please, blog, may I have some more?Giancarlo Stanton
Roy Halladay makes every hitter look like Babe Ruth right after he burped. (Burping was the key to his success; I watched a documentary.) Roy’s gotta hit the Disgraceful List, doesn’t he? I mean, it’s in everyone’s best interest at this point. Watching him is like seeing Carol Channing before someone told her to use a mirror to apply makeup. “How’d I get this lipstick on my ears? Maybe a dab of mascara on the ol’ chin!” You should’ve heard me saying that line like Carol Channing in my head. It’s just real sloppy out there right now for Roy. If he’s not hurt, his fantasy owners may find him in a dark alley and change that. If he is hurt, stop taking one for the team, you gamer you. “I’m a gamer. I grind like I’m old school, Jodeci, going riding roughshod over fantasy ratios…Horatio…Alger, in reverse.” That’s Roy doing beat poetry. At this point, I’d bench him against most teams until he starts piecing together something less craptastic. You might, unfortunately, have the reincarnation of 2012 Lincecum. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more?Today is the first day of the next month in our lives without Giancarlo Stanton. If you want, I’m holding a candlelight vigil in the garbage can behind Stanton’s house. If you come, don’t make too much noise. We aren’t technically supposed to be there. The good news about his hamstring injury is when he’s limping away from us, it’ll be a lot easier to stay exactly 501 feet away. Before he’d backpedal and it was like we were doing the lambada with 501 feet between us. The bad news is I’m writing this post with tears. Hnfcsdcnnn. That was a big, stupid tear that got away from me. Short circuit my keyboard, tears. I plead with you, so I don’t have to continue. I wonder if I can seal envelopes with these tears. That would be turning lemons into lemonade, right? Ow, I just touched my eyes, and now these lemons are burning my eyes. This is the sourest injury news ever. Make the pain go away, alcohol! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more?It’s always about you, Rockie Rookie. Man, Rockie Rookie, you are set up to conquer the world and didn’t leave me sh*t! Like you own the whole goddamn country, Rockie Rookie. (Only funny in Lou Diamond Phillips’ brother’s voice from La Bamba.) Late on Saturday night the Rockies answered my prayers to fix my Mike Mostsuckass 3rd base shituation and called up Nolan Arenado. To make the move happen, the Rockies designated Chris Nelson for assignment. His assignment was to stop sucking. Arenado isn’t the answer to the world’s prayers for clean water and/or a toilet that sprays air freshener into your butt after you poop. He won’t end world hungry and/or make sure everyone can one day appreciate jazz so the people who do appreciate jazz will stop saying, “Aw, man, you just don’t appreciate jazz.” He’s pretty much Pacheco or Nelson with a little more power. Maybe 17 homer power with ten of those coming at home, but A) He has upside. B) He’s in Coors. C) There’s no C. D) The Rockies would be fools to call him up and not play him unless he completely bombs out. E) I don’t feel like going all the way back to A and re-reading, have I mentioned the upside thing? F) What about the fact he’s in Coors? Have I said that? Have I said there’s no C? So, right there, there’s six to ten (I didn’t count) legit reasons to pick him up in all mixed leagues. For serious, grab him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more?Going into yesterday’s game, Gio Gonzalez had a 5.85 ERA and in three of four starts he only threw five innings. I saw the fear in your eyes. Nervousness was percolating just below the surface. You were like Mr. Coffee when he was about to lose his virginity. You were expecting some grinds and instead you were just overheating. Steaming so hard you needed a cup to catch the water beneath you. (How long you think I could keep the visual of Mr. Coffee about to lose his virginity going? Three more lines? Do I hear four?) Finally, the heat was too much, the water dripping too fast and everything began to steam. Quickly, you grabbed your little creamer. She usually likes to put the cream in herself, but you’re just gonna splash it all over the place to avoid a mess on your pants. And that’s how coffee became Mr. Coffee. So, today Gio threw an eight-inning, one-hitter with 7 Ks; his only blemish a Votto opposite-field blast. Things looked awry, making dyslexics wary. Luckily, it’s still freakin’ April and you shouldn’t worry so much. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more?
We’ve all been told to be patient with our fantasy stars in the early going. As a Giancarlo Stanton owner, I was rewarded for my patience as Stanton finally did what I have been waiting for him to do since draft day… he stole his first base (against the Reds, too). Snarkiness aside, let’s look at one of Stanton’s teammates, Juan Pierre, who is probably sitting on your waiver wire as we speak.
Please, blog, may I have some more?Greeting all, and welcome to another thrilling post centered on points leagues. Never forget the fact that points leagues’ stats almost always translate into Roto success as well so don’t feel blackballed or ashamed for reading these posts. You don’t have to conceal it from your Roto playing friends anymore. There are millions of Roto players trapped in the proverbial closet who are dying to announce their true desires and join points leagues. Your parents and close friends may know, but it’s time to let the whole world in on the secret. I love points leagues for the fact we don’t have to roster the likes of Taylor Clippard or Dave Robertson, and again I ask you to now to come out the closet and join the fastest growing type of fantasy baseball league. Given Sky’s rapaciousness for adding hot young studs on the waiver wire, I’d say he’s a prime candidate to be Razzball’s second openly points league playing writer. It’s Ok SKY!!! Let it be known, young stallion. You were meant for oh so much more than a 7th place finish in Roto scoring. Before I get carried away (if that didn’t already happen) let’s move on to the girth of what these posts are truly about: The playas.
Please, blog, may I have some more?Derek Jeter screams “Ankle!” Yanks scream “Uncle!” Well, you know you can’t spell “My ankle” without Minka Kelly. She couldn’t stop at just Jason Street, could she? Minka used to love his enlarged pro stats. Oh, well, let the haters hate, right, Minka? I hear ya, girl. A’la Clubber Lang, “Let me know if you want a real, mustachioed man!” On a funny somewhat related story, about a year ago I was at Kennedy Airport, right in front of me in line at Starbucks was Minka Kelly. I couldn’t care less about the Yankees, but I know what part to play in what situations to be the most obnoxious. So, with my best heavy New York accent, I said, “You better not break Jeter’s heart like you did to Jason Street.” She looked like she wanted to blow a rape whistle. So, it was announced Pasta Diving Jeter would not be returning until after the All-Star Break. If you draft guys based on the “I’d Do Him” scale, you just got screwed, so this is bittersweet. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more?The Cardinals said Edward Mujica ‘could be tried as closer.’ That’s obviously after everyone else has been tried and found guilty of sucking. Matheny said, “I’d rather kill a possum in front of La Russa, than have a lead in the 9th inning with the crap we have.” Okay, that was me reading between the lines. He actually said, “See what happens next time we get there. Right now, Mujica’s making good pitches and getting the big outs when we need them.” He never referred to Mujica as the closer. Maybe because he was afraid of spooking him. How do you scare the beejesus out of a Cardinals reliever? Call them closer. *rim shot, triangle, kazoo* I don’t think Mujica is the de facto closer, but I don’t know what de facto means. Is that Spanish? Hernando De Facto was the first to cross the Mississippi, right? Yesterday, Boggs came into the 9th inning, but it was a 4-run lead and when he got into trouble the Cards started warming up Mujica. The writing is on the wall, and it says, “Mujica is next.” I’d grab Mujica and continue to hold Boggs (on my bench). It may just turn out that Edward is The Last of the Mujica’s in the Cards’ pen. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more?
The fantasy gods can be a cruel mistress, and after dealing a crushing blow Thursday night in a frustrating (ie stupid) brawl-induced injury, taking Zack Greinke from us, the gods have claimed their next victim, another newly acquired player and top fantasy shortstop, Jose Reyes.
Please, blog, may I have some more?
