Fantasy Baseball Advice

Vicente Padilla went to the DL with a forearm strain.  Maybe it’s was straining to be a fivearm.  Oofa!  Who am I, Buddy Hackett?  Actually, I am.  No, I kid.  Or do I?!  No, I do, he’s dead.  Unless I’m writing this post from beyond the grave!  Boo!  Know what I like most about Matt Guerrier?  He’s not Padilla.  How’s dem apples?  Sour!  Then we have Kenley Jansen– “Buh-buh-but, Grey!  Who do we own from the Dodgers bullpen?  I can’t own everyone.  By the way, nice mustache.  Primo!”  For immediate closer action, I’d own Guerrier, Jansen, Alyssa Milano, in that order.  Unless your league counts blown saves, then reverse the order.  But — and unless you’re an alien, there’s always a but — I think Jansen ends the season with more saves than Guerrier.  The only problem is I think he gets weaned into the job and may not be getting saves regularly at first.  Frankly, it’s a committee and too many chefs make too many hors d’oeuvres and not enough entrees, or whatever that cliche is.  Oh, and because any great closerousel shituation should keep fantasy owners on their toes, Guerrier pitched the 8th inning in a losing game last night.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Joe Blanton – Yesterday, he was scratched.  No word if he’s still itchy.

Kyle McClellan – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He’s getting lucky and his strikeouts have been poor.  Soon there will be a plague of locust as we know from the The Book of Joel Pineiro.

Doug Fister – 8 IP, 1 ER and two punchouts.  Well, ain’t that appropriate for Fister?

Scott Downs – Just when it seemed like he might step in for Walden, he comes in and gives up the winning run.  Somewhere, Fernando Rodney said, “Hey, I could’ve done that!”

Howie Kendrick – 3-for-4 with his 7th home run.  He’s quietly (Is it quiet even after you say quietly?) putting together a solid season that I was excited about happening in the preseason.  Though, I didn’t get him in any league.  Nice move, El Capitan!

Justin Morneau – 3-for-5 and his 2nd home run.  Oh.  Wait a second?!  Did my typees just type what I think they did?  No!  Couldn’t be.  Did they pitch to Morneau while he was standing on 2nd because they felt bad for him?  Was their a solar eclipse during the at-bat which distracted everyone so Morneau could grab the pitched ball and throw it over the fence?  Did Trevor Plouffe go to bat wearing Morneau’s jersey?  Or could it just be a guy capable of 30 effin’ homers actually hit his 2nd homer?  Dare to dream.

Neftali Feliz – It might be nothing but Feliz didn’t look so happy yesterday when he blew his second save in two days.  He now has more walks than Ks and his WHIP is obscene, and not in the good, “Hey, what kind of movies can you order in this motel that you rent by the hour?” obscene.  If you own Feliz, I’d be worried that he’s hiding an injury.

Derek Holland – 8 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks but lost the game to Greg Holland.  Guess the Rangers and Royals decided to go Dutch.

Gavin Floyd – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  This comes after a game where he gave up 5 earned in 4 1/3 IP to Oakland.  Looks like Gavin righted the ship.  Love Boat humor!

Alex Rios – 1-for-4 and hitting .203.  Is it me or does there seem to be a lot of players hitting under .250 really late into the season?  Not rhetorical.  Heyward – .214; Uggla – .194; Kelly Johnson – .181; Longoria – .234; CarGo – .245; Tulo – .247; Hanley – .217, etc. etc. etc.

Tyson Ross – Left the game with an oblique strain.  This comes right when Cody Ross finally looks healthy.  It’s like the butterfly effect for just Rosses.  All I can say, Betsy Ross is lucky to be dead.

Justin Turner – 1-for-3 as he knocked in the Mets only run.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  You can hardly wait!  No, you!

Dillon Gee – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks.  A broken clock is right two times a day and Dillon Gee happened to be right for seven and two-thirds.

Marlon Byrd – Hit his 3rd homer and finally broke the 10 RBI barrier.  Only after batting for a month and a half in an RBI position in the lineup.  Terrific.

Darwin Barney – 1 for his last 13.  This could be the bottom finally falling out for The Purple Evolutionist.

Jay Bruce – 3-for-4 with 2 home runs.  Bruuuuuuce!  *breath*  Bruuuuuuce!

James McDonald – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks in a top five park for offense.  This comes a start after he was mollywhopped by the Brewers to the tune of five runs in 4 innings.  Pretty hard to trust that inconsistency in shallow roto mixed leagues, but it’s a gamble I could see taking in H2H.

Ryan Braun – The Hebrew Hammer left the game with a sore shoulder.  The team will reevaluate him tomorrow.  Hopefully, it’s good news for the Brewers and Hebrewers alike.

Chris Narveson – Since I pointed out that Narveson should be better, he’s thrown 19 1/3 IP and given up three earned runs.  Cust kayin’.

Shane Victorino – Headed to the DL, but Domonic Brown won’t be called up according to the GM.  I don’t buy it.  I mean, I buy that he’s not coming up immediately, but he’s still not further than a week or two away.

Josh Collmenter – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 1 K.  No, he shouldn’t be this good.  With an ERA of 0.69 over 26 IP, it doesn’t matter if I think he should be this good.  He should just be owned and let him worry about when his deal with the devil expires.

Madison Bumgarner – Came within an out of a complete game shutout.  I like Bumgarner, so don’t take this the wrong way, but the Dodgers have two hitters.  Ethier, Kemp and pray for seven hit batsmen.

Al Alburquerque – 1/3 IP, 1 ER and the loss.  As frequent commenter, nyydj2, said “Alburquerque got barbequerqued.”

Brennan Boesch – 1-for-5 with his 3rd home run.  He’s been getting dropped across multiple fantasy leagues recently and I can understand it.  He’s hitting in a cushy spot in the lineup, but I’m using the word ‘hitting’ loosely for what he’s done recently.

Alex Rodriguez – Yesterday, the Yankees scored 13 runs and A-Roid went 0-for-3.  Ticker tease!

Ricky Romero – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  RR Cool Jay (see resemblance) now has a 3.10 ERA on the year and has 57 Ks in 58 IP.  Yeah, he’s doing better than that other pitcher you own.  Yup, and him too.

J.P. Arencibia – Hit his 7th home run yesterday and three homers in his last 10 games as he bats .235 on the year.  Obviously J.P. stands for Just Passable (for shallow mixed leagues).

Jhoulys Chacin – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  It’s pronounced:  Yo-Lease.  Usage in a sentence:  Hold onto Yo-Lease.

Jason Giambi – 3 home runs yesterday.  It was a throwbackne to yesteryear.  He sure hits them in bunches.  Some would say in “cycles.”

Week 6 is here, subtle rejoice. Some top minor league guys are getting the call, the closer situations on some teams are still an enigma wrapped in a TLR sandwich and some elite pitching has returned. Now is the time to start gambling on guys that have either underperformed or you have a hunch about. Hunches win fantasy leagues. After all, this is just like playing the lottery, although I have never seen the lotto girl pull an oblique calling the winning numbers. So good luck on all of this week’s endeavors.  Here are the pitching options for the week to come. (Please keep in mind that pitchers and match-ups change.)

ONE START OPTIONS

5/10
Homer Bailey @Hou – Myers
Rick Porcello @Min – Blackburn
Joel Pineiro vs. CHW – Peavy

5/11
Scott Baker vs. Det – Coke
Brandon Beachy vs. Was – Lannan

5/12
Jon Garland @ Pit – Morton
Ivan Nova vs. KC – O’Sullivan

5/13
Gavin Floyd vs. Oak – McCarthy
Wade Davis vs. Bal – Guthrie

Travis Wood (@Hou vs. A. Rodriguez, StL vs. Carpenter) Shows glimpses, then gets pummeled. Gets two starts unless Dusty out smarts us all and uses 6 starters. God forbid he gets out-crazyed by Ozzie.

Jason Marquis (@Atl vs. Hanson, Fla vs. Vazquez) Last start showed the worst case scenario. Is he as good as his first 5 starts? Hell to the no. When healthy he is an innings eater and those, from what I hear, are delicious.

Josh Tomlin (TB vs. Niemann, Sea vs. Pineda) I will lay it out for you nice and simple, he is 3-0 at home. I still think it’s a magic show getting it done. Pitching a run and a half better than his xFIP.

Kevin Correia (LA vs. Lilly, @Mil vs. Greinke) Anyone else notice that the Buccos are pushing .500? 17 wins all of last year on the road, 11 already this year, Oh, and guess what, Correia is 5-0 on the road.

Jake Arrieta (Sea vs. Pineda, @ TB vs. Price) ERA 1.50 lower on the road and lefties are hitting a robust .187, “It’s murda.” No, it isn’t. It is batting average against, but thanks for stopping by JA.

Vance Worley/Joe Blanton (@Fla vs. Vazquez, @Atl vs. Hanson) Mr. Blanton, that is the entrance; you are required to use the exit. Nothing from Worley’s minor league numbers say he should be this awesome. Maybe the four aces are rubbing off on him. Blanton is scheduled to throw a bullpen on Saturday so either starter may get the nod or each may get one, sharing is caring I guess.

Chris Capuano (@Col vs. Chacin, @Hou vs. A. Rodriguez) Watched entire start against SF, a better hitting team would have made it ugly. Seems very predictable. Decent lone star start, in the mountains not so much. Is a left handed Whippopotamus.

Freddy Garcia (KC vs. Davies, Bos vs. Beckett) Played Joe the policeman, on the “What’s goin’ down” episode of That’s My Mama. NY lineup gives anyone a little glimmer, hangs in the same “bloat” as Capuano.

Ted Lilly (@Pit vs. Correia, Ari vs. Collmenter) Lots of talk about him, being added/dropped. He is a 12 win 4 ERA 1.3 WHIP pitcher. To me that spells a perfect number 5 starter in any fantasy league. Ted Lilly rant over, return to your regular scheduled programming.

Jason Hammel (NYM vs. Pelfrey, SD vs. Latos) My secret inside voice tells me he is the best pitcher on the Rox right now, than Chacin’s inside voice texts mine and tells it like it really is. ERA is higher at home, lefties hitting around a deuce.

Already thin 3rd base position just got a lot thinner with Pablo Sandoval breaking his hamate bone.  When Sandoval first heard the bad news, he pulled a half-eaten ham bone out of his pocket and asked if the doctor could insert it in the injured bone’s place.  He couldn’t.  Sandoval now knows how Rikki Lake feels when she lost all that weight then lost her job.  Sometimes fatty boombalatties are best to stay fatty boombalatties.  Hey, I don’t make the world, I just live in it.  So, Sandoval will miss up to 2 months with surgery and rehab.  His blimpotence was already an issue and hamate bone breaks tend to zap power further.  It’s not a good day to own Sandoval.  Yesterday wasn’t very good either.  Tomorrow probably won’t be much better.  Then on Wednesday…Well, you get the point.  When Mark DeRosa returns, he stands to see an increase in ABs, for those in NL-Only leagues who just need counting stats.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Ryan Zimmerman – Will miss 6 weeks with a tear of the rectus muscle in his abdomen.  Why does he have an anus in his stomach?

Ian Desmond – Here’s one that made me do a double take.  Ian Desmond has 10 steals.  Zoinks!

Jordan Zimmermann – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Only has a 4.29 ERA with plenty of time to have a 3.50-3.75 ERA on the year.  Cust kayin’.

Daniel Hudson – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Now has back-to-back solid starts.  Really see no reason why he can’t be as good as billed in the preseason.

Kendrys Morales – According to reports, Kendrys is not returning anytime soon.  Might want to think about adding an -ucks onto the end of his first name.  This is a boost for Trumbo.  Could be in line for steady playing time until the All-Star break.

Jon Rauch – Blue Jays manager, who is supposedly named John Farrell, said Rauch is his closer if push came to shove.  Should get a neck tattoo that says, “SAGNOF!”

Jose Bautista – Left with neck stiffness after he got a Viagra stuck in his throat.

Rajai Davis – 5 steals this weekend.  Sonavabench!  Couldn’t you have returned on Monday after I changed my weekly lineup?

Adam Lind – 2-for-4 with his 5th homer, and his 4th homer this week, batting .282 on the year.  And that’s how quickly a bust can turn around his season this early in the year.

Jered Weaver – Missed his start because of a virus.  That’s what happens when you try to download porn from malware-infested sites.

Kevin Youkilis – Out with an aggravated hip, which sounds like an album title from a 90′s group like Big Head Todd & the Monsters.  “Off our Aggravated Hip album, we’d like to play our song, “My Soul Starts With So.”

Jed Lowrie – 1-for-4 with 3 Ks as he hit .176 this week with no homers or RBIs.  Member two weeks ago when the Sons of Sam Horn came out of the woodwork to post in the comments how I was selling Lowrie short and he was the best thing since the gay porn reveal episode of The Real World?  Yeah, where are all those people now praising Jed?

Alex Cobb – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks and will be sent right back down.  Too bad, so sad.

Jake McGee – Was optioned to Triple-A.  His over/under for saves this year just got a lot more under.

James Shields – Struck out 12 on Saturday.  [Grey's stupid] I’m glad I liked him for a bounce back this year yet didn’t draft him anywhere.  [/Grey's stupid]

Matt Joyce – Hitting in the 4 hole, which is the left nostril if you’re on a porn set, and batting .412 over the last week with 2 homers.  You have to bench him vs. lefties but he’s destroying righties, and there’s, uh, more righties, so there’s that.

Jose Tabata – Out with hamstring tightness.  I have “You better come back soon and hit better than you have been” tightness.

Alex White – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Didn’t look terrible.  Yeah, not a huge compliment.  Honestly, it’s hard to get crazy excited about an Indians rookie pitcher in mixed leagues.  In AL-Only leagues, you’re obviously on board.  In mixed leagues, baby, I’m bored.

Justin Masterson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks.  As mentioned last week, we picked Masterson up for a spot start, but because he pitched so well we held onto him.  He now has an ERA of 2.25 and a 1.15 WHIP.  Yeah, who needs Liriano and Gallardo?  You POS’s.

Craig Kimbrel – Had back-to-back rough outings this weekend, but his stuff is still lights out and his manager gave him a vote of confidence.  I’m not worried.  Venters is worth owning but just because he’s a top middle man.

Derek Lowe – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks and a 2.45 BAC.

Bud Norris - 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks.  Here’s what I said in the preseason rankings, “You want a guy that could be this year’s Jonathan Sanchez?  Here ya go.  I mean that in the best of ways and the worst of ways.  He could strikeout 200 while having a walk rate north of 4, a WHIP north of 1.45 and an ERA north of 4.50.” And that’s me quoting me!  So far the walks have been kept in control — literally! — and because of that his ERA and WHIP ain’t too shabby.

Carlos Lee – He was hurt in a collision with Angel Sanchez.  El Caballo was taken off the field as the Astros put the cart before the horse.

Jason Bourgeois – Now has 8 steals in only 36 at-bats and could see more time with Lee out.  Since he’s making the best of his opportunities, guess you could say Bourgeois is a capitalist.

Chris Narveson – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners (no walks), 7 Ks.  His ERA is up to 4.64 but his xFIP doesn’t look that bad.  Too bad I’m not in any fantasy leagues that use xFIP.

Justin Morneau – Hit his first homer of the year.  Now only one off Melky Cabrera’s 2 homers.

Marlon Byrd – 2-for-4, hitting .295 on the year in the heart of the Cubs order and has 5 RBIs on the year.  How is that possible?  Not rhetorical.  Seriously, what the eff?

Mike Aviles – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs.  At Sunday brunch, he had a mimosa, grapefruit wedges and a slam & legs.  Now has 5 homers (or Morneau +4) and 6 steals.  Pretty nice start for a guy I wasn’t a fan of.  A lot better than that other schmohawk I wanted no part of Martin Prado (2 HRs, 1 SB, .252 average).  Somehow Aviles is only owned in 35% of ESPN leagues.  Yeah, I have no idea either.

Zach Britton – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (3 walks), 1 K.  Now has 15 walks to 20 Ks in 37 1/3 innings.  So, yes, I would own him, but it’s not all peaches and cream.

Luke Scott – 2-for-4 with his 3rd homer in the last 4 days.  Luke Scott should be picked up immediately after he hits one home run because it’s guaranteed he’ll hit at least 5 more within the next week.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 4 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Now has a 7.20 ERA as things have gotten hairy for Ubaldo.

Fernando Salas – Tony La Russa obviously gets a ten percent commission on all FAAB dollars spent speculating on Cardinal closers.  There’s no Cardinals closer, unless you count the hybrid, Fernchell Frankchez.

David Freese – Suffered a broken bone in his hand and now Freese is on ice.  Pun Master P, “Brilliant!”  Freese will be out for a while, which will give La Russa ample opportunity to play a ton of schmohawks at third base.  If anyone can get Nick Punto 400 at-bats, it’s TLR.

Robinson Cano – Left the game after he hurt his hand.  X-rays came back negative which is actually positive.  Weird!

Dustin Moseley – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Now has an 1.63 ERA on the year.  Still wouldn’t trust him in away games in most leagues, but I would definitely own him and run him out there in Petco.  They’re Hodgepadres, ya’ll, just don’t feed them after midnight.

Hanley Ramirez – Hit his first home run of the year.  Another guy that’s breathing down Melky’s neck.

Chris Coghlan – Shoulder woes forced him out of action for a few days and it’ll bother him all year or until he has surgery.  Always sad when a marginal player gets marginally worse.  Well, not really.

Gavin Floyd – 6 IP, 6 ER.  Seems like this is always the case with Gavin Floyd.  Good start, good start, good start, terrible start.  It’s like a form of Duck, Duck, Goose.  Only it’s goose eggs, goose eggs, goose eggs, duck!

Jonathan Broxton blew his first save because of an error and he’s out as closer.  Hmph.  The Dodgers’ GM Colletti said the Dodgers would turn to Padilla and Broxton with Kuo joining the mix when he returns at the end of the week.  Hmph.  Hmph.  Mattingly then said last I checked Colletti doesn’t have a goatee and Broxton is still his closer, no committee.  Hmph.  Hmph.  Hmph.  Whatcha gonna do with all those hmphs?  All those hmphs up in your trunk?  Then Mattingly called Colletti a dwarf brain and shaved his goatee to reveal a cold sore.  Got all that?  Glad one of us does.  I’d own Broxton and Kuo.  Wouldn’t mess with this Padilla or this Padilla.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

James Loney – 4-for-4 with a steal.  I almost wrote the other day how there’s no way Loney stays hitting .200, but then I grew bored and fell asleep… Snooze…

Phil Hughes – Underwent four hours of tests on his arm.  Towards the end his arm just started answering C for everything.

Roger Bernadina – Recalled by the Nats.  I picked him up in every league he was available.  Yup, even that one.  Bernadina has 15/20 upside if he can stick with the club.  Chances he sticks aren’t great but aren’t quite slim to anorexic either, so there’s that.

Wilson Ramos – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and 2 home runs.  That’s a badonkadonk, for those from the Bronx.

Carlos Gonzalez – Held out Tuesday because he’s sucking on the ol’ suck wagon.  Well, I got this schmohawk right.  Now if only Jose Bautista would get mono from Casey Kotchman.

Jorge de la Rosa – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I don’t own dlR anywhere but I get a lot of questions about whether he’s ownable, so it makes me question him.  Doode has a 2.61 ERA.  What are people looking for?

Todd Helton – 2-for-5 with 2 homers.  Did the Rockies wear throwback unis yesterday?

Casey McGehee – Sprained his thumb on the last play of the game on Monday and was held out of the game on Tuesday, leaving him on the bench to twiddle his thumbs — sick, painful irony.  If that’s irony, I have no idea.

Ryan Braun – Hit his 9th home run yesterday.  Yeah, his power is gone, Naysaying Preseason ‘Perts.

Jose Contreras – Has a strained elbow and will miss about a month, assuming he doesn’t have any setbacks.  But 67-year-olds tend to have setbacks getting out of bed.

Matt Harrison – 3 IP, 7 ER.  Don’t worry, Harrison, nothing can ever sully your Trapper John M.D. performance.

Carlos Carrasco – His MRI came back “perfect.”  Not to be that guy, but wouldn’t it be perfect if he didn’t have to go for an MRI?

Jack Hannahan – 3-for-4 with 2 homers.  If only Barbera could’ve been alive to see this.

Justin Masterson – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Rudy and I spot started him in, but since he has a 2.18 ERA on the year, we might not be returning him to waivers.  Stay tuned!  Or not.  Your choice.

Shin-Soo Choo – For an appetizer, I’d like the slam.  For the entree, I Choo-Choo-choose the legs.

Grady Sizemore – 3-for-4 and his 3rd homer, but was caught stealing.  No legs for you!

Pedro Alvarez – 0-for-4.  That’ll show ‘em!

Garrett Jones – Hit his 4th home run yesterday.  Robot is probably going to get the worst counting stat 20+ homer, 10 steal season in the history of baseball.

Charlie Morton – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Now has his ERA down to 3.00.  We should all be aboard with Morton by now, yah?  Yah.

Aaron Harang – 6 IP, 8 ER.  Did the Braves scare him by wearing Dusty Baker masks?

Brandon McCarthy – 5 1/3 IP, 7 ER and 15 baserunners.  In San Diego, they call that a strong offensive homestand.

Coco Crisp – Left the game with quad tightness.  Doesn’t sound cerealious.

Ryan Roberts – 2-for-4 with his 5th home run, batting .333.  Pedro Alvarez has one homer and is batting .205.  Kill me.

Mitchell Boggs – 1/3 IP, 1 ER and his first blown save.  After the game, Ryan Franklin said, “See!”

Hanley Ramirez – Working on getting a hitch out of his swing by getting his foot down quicker.  I wonder where Hanley picked up a bad habit.  He seems like such a model of strong work ethic.

Jair Jurrjens – 9 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I don’t think it continues, but I have no problem riding Jar-Jar while he’s on a roll.

Billy Butler – 1-for-4 and a WTF (Warning Track Fly).  A Butler specialty.

Mike Leake – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. Turnabout is fair play as the Brewers stole the victory.

Sergio Santos – It’s now back to back saves but this last 2 out save should go to Brent Lillibridge who made two outstanding plays in RF.  Lillibridge fields like he’s nailing Sergio Santos’ sister.  Juan Pierre fields like Thornton is nailing Juan’s sister.

Gavin Floyd – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks vs. the Yankees.  If you had the balls (or lady stuff, for our three girl readers) to start him in The House They Built Next To The House That Ruth Built, you deserved this start.

Clay Buchholz – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 14 baserunners as he tied his owners to the WHIPping post.  Now has a 5.33 ERA.  Good news, he should be better.  The bad news, not that much better.  The neither good or bad just what it is news, if you listened to me you don’t own him.  The okay news that needs to be said because it is really big news news, there is no okay news that needs to be said because it is really big news news.

Adam Lind – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and 2 homers.  This is the kind of performance that makes me so hesitant to tell anyone to drop Carlos Pena too.  These guys just need three good days, and they have their counting stats.  Sure, it’ll be great to get this game from Lind without the previous 23 games of crizzap, but so it goes, so it goes.

Zach Britton – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Fantasy-wise, Britton should be owned.  Real world-wise, when do the castmates find out Zito used to do gay porn?

Phil Coke – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  Hope everyone is now done experimenting with Coke.  Shizz is bad for your nasal passages.

Matt Cain – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Then David Lynch filmed Matt Cain’s post-game interview.

Carl Everett – Pulled a gun on his wife after she said she believed in dinosaurs and Darwin Barney was her favorite player.

This is almost the end of the 2011 fantasy baseball rankings.  With these top 80 starters for 2011 fantasy baseball, there’s a few names that I’m really gunning for on my teams… My deeper teams.  On last year’s top 80, there was one guy who truly emerged (Mat Latos) and a few who kinda did (Filthy Sanchez, Trevor Cahill and Brandon Morrow), so I imagine a lot of you won’t need most of the names on this list.  But humor me.  There’s tiers and projections mentioned for everyone.  Anyway, here’s the top 80 starters for 2011 fantasy baseball:

61. Javier Vazquez – This tier is a continuation of the last tier in the top 60 starters for 2011 fantasy baseball.  This tier goes from here until McDonald.  I called this tier, “Grey’s going upside your head.”  Vazquez wouldn’t surprise me if he goes from here to a top 20 starter because of his history in the NL.  I already went over my Javier Vazquez fantasy after he went to the ‘lins.  2011 Projections:  12-10/3.75/1.25/170

62. Matt Garza – I didn’t go over Garza when he was traded because I think I started the rankings already.  I’m only one man!  (But sometimes I carry a mullet wig so I can pretend to be my alter ego, Grey Dirt.)  Garza goes to the NL Central from the AL East.  That’s a boon for anyone’s value.  Carlos Silva even made the NL Central look silly at times last year.  Unfortunately, Garza likes to give up fly balls and in Wrigley that’s a bigger issue than in the Trop.  I have a feeling Garza’s going to beat my projections, but, for a guy who hasn’t had a xFIP below 4.00 in his career, I’m not willing to go any lower.  2011 Projections:  12-8/3.75/1.27/165

63. Jordan Zimmermann – Zimmermann’s probably going to keep getting drafted earlier and earlier as the season approaches.  I nearly put him in the top 60 starters, but he’s coming off major surgery and he won’t throw an entire season.  My guess is 150 IP from him.  Of course, if J. Z’s having health problems, I feel bad for you, son.  He’s got 99 problems but a pitch ain’t one.  2011 Projections:  10-8/3.70/1.26/140

64. Jeremy Hellickson – Already went over my Hellickson fantasy.  2011 Projections:  9-5/3.60/1.10/140

65. James McDonald – Has made his way firmly into the category of “People who think they know more than you are drafting this guy.”  It’s clearly because of his September numbers — 2.31 ERA, 30 Ks in 35 IP.  Hey, I get it.  When you’re this deep, you have to latch onto something.  I’m all for it.  You shouldn’t draft safe with your last anything.  I guarantee that there will be Clayton Richard or Aaron Harang types on waivers in just about every league.  If McDonald has a good April, he’ll not only be owned but people will hold him with a death grip.  2011 Projections:  9-9/3.80/1.30/160

66. Jair Jurrjens – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until I call this tier, “Vets I’m ignoring.”  Meesa wasn’t burned by Jar-Jar last year because meesa turned away from him as soon as he was injured in the spring.  This year, he’s supposedly going to be fine.  That’s nice, let him prove it on someone else’s team.  2011 Projections:  11-8/4.00/1.30/140

67. A.J. Burnett – Last year I was burned by Burnett (say that fast 117 times!).  It still hurts when I sit down.  This year I’m letting Burnett treat someone else like an extra on Oz.  2011 Projections:   12-10/4.15/1.35/160

68. Scott Baker – Member the smush session we had with Baker last year?  Yeah, he gave you the clap.  And not the good clap but the bad clap.  2011 Projections:  11-9/4.00/1.32/140

69. Gavin Floyd – Seems to consistently do worst than his FIP, which would be great if FIP were a category in my league.  He’s about as unexciting as they come.  Oh wait, Jeff Niemann’s next!  2011 Projections:  10-9/4.05/1.30/160

70. Jeff Niemann – I wrote this long diatribe about how I have nothing to say about Niemann then when I went to copy and paste it I lost it somewhere.  Teach me to write filler!  (Unlike this.)  2011 Projections: 10-10/4.15/1.30/130

71. Kevin Slowey – Honestly, I almost suggested you draft Slowey and Baker.  It’s…so…hard…for…me…to….ignore…them.  I’m trying to learn from past mistakes.  (Okay, if you have to draft Baker or Slowey, go for Baker, his K-rate is better.)  2011 Projections:  10-7/4.10/1.28/125

72. Brett Cecil – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Davis. I call this tier, “There’s some upside here, but I wouldn’t expect anything.”  There’s a good chance that if you draft one of the guys from this tier, you’re going to end up dropping them by mid-April.  re: Cecil — He was once considered better than Romero.  There’s signs of a terrific K-rate in the minors, the Jays have watched his innings well and he cut his walk rate last year.  Great, wonderful, fantastic!  Unfortunately, he’s still in the AL East, his K-rate last year was terrible and his xFIP was 4.32.  2011 Projections:  9-11/4.10/1.34/155

73. Anibal Sanchez – He’s only going to be 27 in 2011.  I tell you that because that’s really the only thing I see as far as upside.  Chances are he won’t be good as far as ERA goes and his K-rate falls the longer into the season he pitches.  Eh, like I said, “He’s only 27!”  2011 Projections:  9-8/4.00/1.35/150

74. Brian Matusz – “The O’s successfully petition the league to switch them to the NL East.”  ”The question, Alex, is there any way Grey drafts Matusz?”  2011 Projections:  7-10/4.10/1.32/160

75. Wade Davis – I like Davis a lot, but I think we still might be a year too early on him.  (See David Price’s 2009 for further reading.)  I have a feeling I’m going to go crazy for Davis in 2012.  As for 2011, there’s upside but his K-rate needs to make a major U-turn from last year and the whole AL East thing.  On the bright side, his post-All-Star Break ERA was 3.28.  2011 Projections:  14-10/3.85/1.32/135 (<–pretty optimistic)

76. Jake Peavy – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Webb.  I call this tier, “I’m not drafting any of them.”  Maybe I’ll return for more tsuris in 2012 but right now I’m not going anywhere near these guys.  There’s too many issues juggling healthy players as it is to worry about drafting an unhealthy one.  2011 Projections:  5-3/3.70/1.22/100

77. Johan Santana – If he were healthy going into the season, I wouldn’t own him in 2011.  Too many bad trends associated with his name.  2011 Projections:  6-3/3.65/1.20/80

78. Brandon Webb – I already went over my Brandon Webb fantasy when he went to the Rangers.  There’s not a whole lot there, but there’s not a whole lot to say until he actually pitches again in the majors.  I’d let him do it on someone else’s fantasy team.  2011 Projections:  6-9/4.25/1.26/120

79. Mike Minor – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until the end of the list.  I call this tier, “Total shots in the dark.”  Mike Minor is getting a whole post dedicated to him later today.  I wrote it behind my Rita Hayworth poster on my cell wall.  Just need to transcribe it.  2011 Projections:  10-8/3.85/1.28/180

80. Travis Wood – If Wood doesn’t get a rotation spot, then ignore this.  If Leake gets the rotation spot, ignore him in mixed leagues.  Last year, Wood had a 7.54 K/9, a 2.28 walk rate and .227 BAA.  That tells me I want Wood!  Okay, Beavis, stop giggling.  Only problem with Wood is Dusty may have Extenze’d him a little too much last year and his arm may fall off.  2011 Projections:  12-8/3.85/1.16/150

There’s a lot of pitchers after the top 80 starters for 2011 fantasy baseball, but here’s a few that stand out:

Bud Norris – You want a guy that could be this year’s Jonathan Sanchez?  Here ya go.  I mean that in the best of ways and the worst of ways.  He could strikeout 200 while having a walk rate north of 4, a WHIP north of 1.45 and an ERA north of 4.50.  If he can dance between the walks without giving up runs, he might have an incredible year.  Take the chance on him.  If it explodes in your face, you drop him.  2011 Projections:  10-7/4.00/1.40/180

Clayton Richard and Aaron Harang – Hodgepadres!  2011 Projections: Home starts that give you value and away starts that give you agita.

Jonathon Niese – He should’ve been ranked much higher.  I moved him down here to highlight him with my “After Top 80″ spotlight.  (Don’t shine it in your eyes, you will go blind.)  Let’s go over some positives.  Niese had a 7.67 K/9 last year and he can bump that up over 8 this year.  Metco is a nice place to pitch.  The Mets could win some games.  The only real negative I can think of is everything the Mets touch manages to turn to crizzap.  If Niese can avoid Mr. Met’s mal de ojo, you could have a sneaky top 25 starter.  2011 Projections:  15-9/3.50/1.28/160 (<–crazy optimistic but whatevs)

Homer Bailey – I don’t think a top 80 starters post is ever complete without Homer Bailey.  If Homer is going to break out, this is the year.  His xFIP last year was under 4 and his K-rate was above 8 for the first time in his major league career after rocking a solid K-rate in the minors.  If he can keep his K-rate over 8 and his walk rate below 3.50 over the course of 170 IP, you’re going to have a top 30 starter.  The park he pitches in takes a slight bit of shine off him (4.97 ERA last year at home) and I don’t see anyway he pitches more than 170 innings.  Yes, even with Dusty garnering advice from his chewed-up toothpick.  2011 Projections:  12-9/3.90/1.35/135

Chris Narveson – “Hey, Grey, my friend who knows a thing or two about a thing or two really likes Narveson this year.  But his ERA was 4.99 last year.  Can you explain what he sees in him?  Oh, and play that Wu Tang joint.”  Narveson had a 3.13 ERA in September.  The difference between someone like James McDonald putting together a nice September and Narveson doing it is about three years.  Narveson is 29 years old so I tend to think his September was just a good month.  If he had a good July and a crappy September, we wouldn’t even be talking about him.  But just in case, he’s worth an endgame flyer.  2011 Projections:  9-9/4.15/1.34/160

Felipe Paulino – It’s a shame Ed Wade’s toupee split up Norris and Paulino because they were like peas and carrots.  Nice Ks, bonkers walks.  The Coors thing doesn’t have me putting Paulino below Norris.  Bud’s a bit younger in his development, so I like him better.  I.e., there’s a better chance Norris can get his shizz together.   So draft Felipe Paulino, but you may drop him after his first start.  Oh, and am I the only one that wants to call him Filipino?  Yeah, probably.  2011 Projections:  8-6/4.35/1.42/150