Fantasy Baseball Advice

Julio Borbon has been running around like a chicken without its head or maybe Borbon is *pinkie to mouth* a Wild Turkey.  Yesterday, he even hit a home run.  The word out of the mean streets of Arlington was he’d sit once Cruz returned.  Cruz returned.  Borbon played.  Natch!  Will Borbon’s brilliance continue?  Unfortunately, I don’t think so.  He’s doing his best Mr. April, Emilio Bonifacio, impersonation (Flex, Bonifacio!  Yeah, you are so Mr. April!) and we saw how long that lasted.  While Borbon’s hot, own him like Angelina with 3rd world children, but in Triple-A, he had 2 homers in over 400 at-bats and a pretty terrible caught stealing percentage, so know that he’ll come crashing back to Earth like your unrealistic fear of meteors.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Drew Stubbs – 1-for-5, 3 Ks.  He’s like a white Willie Mays Hayes.  He was guessing on 0-2 counts like a pimple-faced, teenaged waiter guessing what’s in the meatloaf.  Cain’s nasty and able, but Stubbs looked overmatched on every pitch.  Keep in mind what I said yesterday, “In Triple-A, he had 104 Ks in 107 games.”  And that’s me quoting me!  But remember Willie Mays Hayes can run, so Stubbs still has value.  Just know what you’re getting.

Gary Sheffield – Sheff was seen angrily wagging his walking papers at the Mets front office.  He thinks he should get a contract; after all, he is their top home run hitter this year with 10.  Sheff owners should want him on the Mets.  Anywhere else, he’s not a cleanup hitter… He’s not even really an every day player.

Billy Wagner – Returned to action and looked dominant.  He could end somewhere that includes saving games.  Those in dire need of saves.  You know the drill.

Justin Morneau – Oh-fer-geez, Morneau heads back up Nort to have his ear checked, dontchya know?  May be headed to the DL.  Uffdah!

James Shields – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 unearned runs, 9 baserunners.  He should’ve mopped the Trop with the O’s like Carol Burnett.  The way the O’s are playing you’d think they didn’t want Bryce Harper.

Ben Zobrist – HR yesterday.  Might finally be coming out of the funk he’s been in.

Nolan Reimold – HR yesterday.  First homer of August.  Lately, he’s been almost as non-existent as his brother, Judge.

Jason Hammel – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners.  I picked him up for this game.  Ye of a sub-3 ERA away from Coors.  Then I got cold feet and didn’t start him.  Sonavabench!

Joe Blanton – 8 IP, 3 ER.  Since I told you to buy him on June 24th, he has a 2.25 ERA in almost two months.  Cust kayin’.

Brett Cecil – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 2 Ks.  You guys had a good run… *realizing he has a 4.82 ERA*  You guys had an all right run… *realizing Cecil has a 1.58 WHIP* Wait, why do you own him?

Jon Lester – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 Ks.  Since I’m in that type of mood, on May 15th, I told you to get Lester.  Since then, Lester has a 2.49 ERA.  It’s hard to make this shizz up.

Marlon Byrd – 8 for his last 19 as he hit two homers yesterday to give him 14 on the year.  This Byrd you cannot cage…

Kendry Morales – Hit his 27th homer.  He’s having some kind of season.  It’s about time, too… Wait a second, he’s listed as 26 years old?  Oh, c’mon.  He’s easily a Latin 28.  Remember that when you’re considering him for keepers.

Wandy Rodriguez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Last time out, the Wandwagon’s horse had a nail in its hoof.  Well, that horse is now glue and the Wandwagon rolls again.

Kyle Blanks – Has three homers in the last four games.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  On the right side of the slash, which is the left.

J.D. Drew – 4-for-4 with 2 HRs yesterday.  After the game, a reporter asked Drew if he’s changed his approach.  He said, “No, I just love my Mom more than Stephen.”

Kenshin Kawakami - 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 Ks.  Guess who it was against?  Meet the Mets, meet the Mets… Step right up and beat the Mets.  Start your rookies, contact your bookies… They’re worse than your local Chinese restaurant’s almond cookies.

J.A. Happ threw a complete game shutout yesterday with only 6 baserunners and 10 Ks vs.  Jorge de la Rosa’s 5 IP, 7 ER, 3 Ks line.  I pretty much saw this matchup going almost exactly opposite.  Maybe I had my contacts in backwards.  dlR had won seven games in a row.  Happ was coming off two losses.  dlR’s a lefty, the Phils don’t hit lefties well.  Maybe I underestimated Happ’s desire to stay in the rotation with Pedro breathing down his neck.  This was a solid case for that, but if the Phils don’t pull Happ from the rotation they’re jeopardizing his 2010 (when people take flying cars to the ballpark).  Happ should be moved to the bullpen and Pedro should be put into the rotation.  Even if that means Pedro throws a bunch of 4 inning, 3 run games and Happ comes in in the 5th inning and throws three dominant innings.  It’s the right move for everyone and I think that’s the way the Phils should/will go.  To clarify, this is not an endorsement of Pedro.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

David Wright – HR yesterday.  As I said yesterday in the comments, “(The Mets play-by-play man, Cohen, said) that was (Wright’s) first opposite field homer in the new park.  For a guy that goes that way, that’s not great.  After all, we’re in August.”  And that’s me quoting me quoting Gary Cohen!  Cohen also said the humidity may be helping the ball carry.  So now Metco is Yellowstone instead of the Grand Canyon.  Sah-weet.

Jon Niese – Out for the season.  Surprisingly, the Mets trainer had time to help him off the field.

Gary Sheffield – Left the game with an injury.  It’s The Curse of the Shirtless Bernazard.

Pablo Sandoval – 3-for-4, .334 on the season.  I think the average comes down a bit by the end of the season (not much).  But Pablo’s been an absolute revelation this year — .374 on the season as a righty.  .314 as a lefty.  .382 in home games.  17 homers.  4 steals.  Catcher eligibility.  Same weight as Kyle Blanks and seven inches shorter.  In the beginning of the year, I mentioned that I thought Sandoval looked a lot like Edgar Martinez.  I still think it.  And he’s affectionately nicknamed Kung-Fu Panda because he’s athletic and fat.  (I would’ve went with the other athletic, fat person nickname — The Fabulous Moolah.)

Chad Gaudin – 3 1/3 IP, 6 ER.  I should’ve made a bigger deal of this when I did it, but the other day I dropped Gaudin in all of my leagues.  He’s consistently been better in road games.  A HodgePadre who can’t pitch at Petco makes no sense to me.  I don’t know what to do with that.  Makes me feel like Rainman when he can’t watch Jeopardy.

Will Venable – Another HR.  Okay, sorta on topic, sorta not, but I’ve been meaning to address this.  There’s no reason to ask me something like, “Venable or Velez for the rest of the year?”  The rest of the season?  These guys may not be good by the middle of August.  The rest of the season only applies if you play in a league where you have a limited number of moves or you’re marrying a von Bülow.  Don’t get attached to anyone in your UTIL spot, MI or fifth outfield spot.  I have Kyle Blanks, Wigginton, David Murphy, Velez, Venable, Beckham, Robot Jones and Gomes on different teams (thankfully).  I can guarantee you I won’t have 90% of those guys in two weeks.  In fact, I just dropped Gomes.  Play the hot guy and move on.  Especially at this time of the year.  Okay, school’s out, Alice Cooper.

David Murphy – 2 HRs yesterday.  As mentioned above, I own him on a few teams.

Kevin Gregg – Returned from a tired arm.  Piniella was annoyed that Gregg didn’t mention he was suffering from a tired arm over the weekend when he blew two saves, saying, “I can’t just read somebody’s mind.  I can look at the stuff, but by the time I look at the stuff, it’s a little late.  The ball’s out of the ballpark and the mojito doesn’t taste as good.”  He sounds like LaRussa.

Francisco Liriano – 5 IP, 4 ER, 12 baserunners vs. a team that was selling at the trade deadline.  You’re really wasting your time with Liriano.

Aaron Laffey – 8 IP, 0 ER.  If you pick him up, you will be Sobby.

Edwin Jackson – 8 IP, 2 ER, 8 Ks.  As you can imagine, I don’t root for players I don’t own, but I’m kinda rooting for Edwin.  He’s been at the game ever since honeys been wearin’ Sassoons.  Nice that he’s finally making good.  Man, I really love prospects who fail at first.

John Lannan – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 Ks.  He can just as easily get shelled in his next start out vs. the Braves.  I’m pessimistically cautious going forward.

Gerardo Parra – 2-for-5 and a steal, as he bats almost .400 over his last 7 games.  I’m picking him up in a few leagues, though his lack of legit speed bores me so he may not stay on any team too long.

Ryan Roberts – Now has 3 homers in the last two days.  I still don’t think this is going anywhere you wanna go, but if you’re hurting at MI, it won’t hurt to grab him.

Erik Bedard – His shoulder is still sore and he’s headed for an MRI.  Punt!

Justin Upton – Strained oblique (vague!).  Hopefully it’s not too bad, but unfortunately these are the sort of injuries that linger like poorly chewed jalapenos.

Adam Dunn – Hit his 29th homer yesterday.  Country strong.

Jim Thome – 2 HRs yesterday.  Country stronger.

Gavin Floyd – 8 IP, 1 ER.  Absolutely incredible the year he’s putting together in his home park.  Around a two and a half ERA at home, while over 5.50 ERA away.

Jason Bay – HR yesterday.  It was his first one since July 7th.  Good sign!  Reaggravated his hamstring injury.  Bad sign!

Marc Rzepczynski – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 Ks.  Only one walk, which is a good sign for The RZE, but I still wouldn’t own him this year.

Justin Lehr – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Here’s what you do with Justin Lehr.  Photoshop Justin Lehr’s name onto Stephen Strasburg’s college stats page, then screenshot it and post the .jpg in your league messageboard.

David Price – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 Ks, 0 walks.  Nice showing vs. the Sawx.  Very nice to see him string back-to-back starts together.  Let’s hope his next start vs. the Angels is his third step forward.

Prince Fielder – Stole a base yesterday.  After the game, he said he pictured Mota’s face on the 2nd base bag.

Garrett Jones – HR yesterday.  You know how you love a guy for a week or two when he’s out of his mind, hitting homers every game, then he goes through a week slump and you’re ready to drop him.  Then the day you prepare to drop him, he hits a homer.  Now are you excited by this latest homer or annoyed?  I kinda get annoyed.  I just want him to fail one more day so I can drop him.  I gotta talk to my shrink about what that means.

In his last four games, J.J. Hardy has gone 8-for-17 with two homers.  You waited and waited.  Went for a dip in the ocean.  Washed ashore in Finland.  Smoked a bowl with some guy who wore only a potato sack.  Fell asleep on a raft.  Woke up in your kiddie pool wearing your water wings.  And finally Hardy got hot.  In July last year, Hardy hit .339 with 9 homers.  Followed that up with a .294 August and 5 homers.  I know Hardy’s sucked the life out of you with his April through June, but if he’s indeed hot now, and it seems that way, he’ll bat 2nd, he’ll hit some homers and a decent average for a month or so.  He’s currently batting .232.  That’ll come up.  He has 8 homers, he should finish with 25.  Will he always be as delightful as your Finnish friend wearing a potato sack?  No, probably not, but he’s better than he’s been.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Raul Ibanez – Won’t be returning this Friday when eligible.  No set backs; Phils are just taking precautions.  For those wanting to say something derogatory about him, I’d wait until he doesn’t have so much free time.

Casey McGehee – Grand slam yesterday.  Is there anything he can’t do?!  Yeah, keep this up.  But while he’s hot, you really should own him if you need MI help.

J.D. Drew – 3-for-5, batted leadoff.  Who put Ellsbury in the doghouse?  Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof.

Gordon Beckham – 7 for his 13 with a steal and he shares a first name with an alien life form.  Capable of double digit power and steals with a solid average, but this year he might be a bit underseasoned like your Mom’s cooking.  Though worth taking a flier to see if you can catch lightning in a bottle.

Gavin Floyd – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER.  If you own him, have a cigar, you crazy diamond.

Alexei Ramirez – Left the game after being plunked in the head by Chris Perez.  He’ll be fine.  Surprisingly, he did not swing at the pitch.

Ryan Theriot – HR yesterday.  Back on May 5th when Theriot had 3 homers, frequent commenter, IowaCubs said, “If Theriot hits 4 more homers this year, I’m going to tattoo “PUJOLS” in cyrillic across my forehead.”  Theriot now has 7 homers.  Cust kayin’.

Rich Harden – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 Ks.  Okay, so who was that other guy wearing Harden’s jersey for the first three months?  Piniella blamed Bradley.

Jake Fox – 2-for-3 as Jakie Foxx batted fourth and continued to play 3rd after interleague. Unathletic… like a fox!

Pat Burrell – HR yesterday.  He has three.  He always gets 30.  Do the math!

Carl Crawford – Stole his 40th base and hit his 7th homer yesterday.  I think he’ll be fine this year, but I’m betting he might be a wee bit overrated going into next year.  And that’s me anticipating me!

Roy Halladay – 6 IP, 2 ER as he returned from the DL.  Don’t worry about the short game (for him).  I’m sure he’ll be throwing 120 pitches and complete games by mid-July.

Randy Choate – Recorded his 4th save yesterday because Howell pitched three days in a row and Maddon refuses to let a righty save a game.

Ricky Nolasco – 8 IP, 2 ER, 8 Ks.  Now has five straight solid starts with only five walks.  From the files of No Kidding, whatever was ailing him before is obviously no longer an issue.

Dan Meyer – Had the opportunity to save the game, but couldn’t close it out and gave way to Nunez.  Meyer’s a real lemon.

David Murphy – Hit a homer and batted third.  Hey, I own him in a league or two, so that’s nice, but third?  Really?

Julio Borbon – Was called up by the Rangers and started as their DH.  Ron Washington said, “We didn’t bring him up here to sit around and watch baseball.”  Grey Albright said, “Cool.  What can we expect from him?”  Ron Washington said, “SAGNOF!”  Grey said, “That works.  Does he stay up after Josh Hamilton returns?”  Washington said, “Quit your prying!”

Luke Hochevar – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners.  He’s suckering you in again, isn’t he?  Stay strong, young Razzball reader.

Miguel Olivo – 3-for-4, and hit his 12th homer.  Matt Wieters went 1-for-4 with an infield single.

Tim Lincecum – Two hitter with 8 Ks.  Still about two years away from his peak years.  Zoinks!

Rick Porcello – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  His time in mixed leagues is just about over.  Say your goodbyes and remember, you’ll always have May.

Roy Oswalt – 9 IP, 1 ER, 8 Ks, four baserunners vs. the Padres.  Oswalt issued two walks.  Both to Adrian Gonzalez.  See how easy that is?

Randy Wolf – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners.  Wolf’s the king of the good winless start.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 7 IP, 2 ER.  Vin Scully said, “The Dodgers usually scramble his eggs.”  Last night, Ubaldo made omelettes.

Gary Sheffield/Ryan Church – Comatose Mets Fan, “Church and Sheff went a combined 7-for-10 and the Mets lost?!  Did Delgado, Reyes and Beltran do nothing?”  Oh, Comatose Mets Fan, you have a lot of catching up to do.

Fernando Nieve – 3 1/3 IP, 3 ER. 12 baserunners.  I had to look at the play-by-play for this game because it seemed mathematically impossible to have that many baserunners in less than 4 innings and only give up three runs.  He got lucky.  Now if you press your luck and start him again, you may get a whammy.

Carlos Beltran – He’s exploring micro-fracture knee surgery.  Does he have a tiny knee?  C’mon, Mantle played on no knees for ten years!  Have a scotch and get in the lineup!

Matt Wieters was finally called up by the Orioles.  We know what you’re all thinking – how could they give up on Gregg Zaun so quickly?  Don’t the Orioles brass have the intestinal fortitude to withstand the hype surrounding this ‘phenom’ when they’ve got the ultimate journeyman?  Evidently not.  So how has Wieters been spending his near two months in AAA detention?  He’s been awesome…ly average.  .285 average.  5 HRs.  30 Ks in 137 ABs.  There’s little doubt that Wieters will be an excellent hitter for years to come (see his .350+ average b/w A and AA last year) but those AAA numbers are more likely what you’ll get from him in 2009.  Think .285 with 12 HRs.  He could prove us wrong and you can do worse than bet on hitting upside at Catcher.  Just don’t overpay for it.  Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jason Bartlett – Another day, another injury to a Rays middle infielder.  Yesterday, it was Iwamura.  Now Bartlett goes on the DL with a sprained ankle that he hurt while practicing his dismount from the statistical stratosphere (.373 AVG!).  Reid Brignac, who has been hyped for a while, will replace him.

Jose Reyes - Has there ever been a top 5 pick whose owners were relieved when they went on the DL?  Enter Reyes.  What’s the use of Reyes if he has a bum leg (strained calf)?  Let him get healthy so he can steal some damn bases.

Fernando Martinez – Was called up yesterday.  Fernando Martinez is going to be a great one and he should be pursued in keeper leagues.  But let’s turn over the post to frequent commenter, Mr. Baseball, for a second.  He listed these names:  Travis Snider, Cameron Maybin, Dexter Fowler, Matt LaPorta, Elvis Andrus and Matt Gamel.  His point is fairly obvious.  Rookie nookie starts out like a frollicking gazelle and ends like a dead gazelle.  Martinez will hit one homer, slap some fans’ hands, and get sent down when the Church of Concussed Heads returns.  He’s a decent flier, because you never know what he may do for a week or two, but don’t drop anyone too worthwhile.

David Wright – Has three homers, but stole his 11th base yesterday.  Sympathy gains for Reyes?

Carlos Quentin – Now saying he’ll hopefully be back next Monday.  Awesome!  Maybe next week he can get in one at-bat and then miss another two weeks.  Could someone conference call Quentin with Chipper to explain the merits of the DL?

Max Scherzer – 7 IP.  Second straight 10 K game.  Just as encouraging, he’s thrown only 2 BBs in those games.  Owners enjoy the ride and keep your fingers crossed he stays healthy.

Melky Cabrera – Left the game with a sore shoulder after crashing into the outfield wall.  In a home game, Melky’s jersey would’ve caught the jetstream and he’d be somewhere in the South Bronx right now.

Coco Crisp – Left game with a sore shoulder too.  First you have Melky, now you have cereal.  Melky… Cereal, baby.  Melky… Cereal, baby.  What, you don’t listen to LL?

Brett Gardner – In place of Melky, 3 steals.  He ain’t taking no jive from no Western Union messenger!

Ryan Braun – Took a pitch from Adam Wainwright off his wrist.  Looks like he’ll be day-to-day.  Wainwright laughs manically and says, “You can call me, Painwrist.”  The Brewers tried to retaliate on Albert Pujols and he lined a double with his bicep.

Hanley Ramirez – Came out of the game with a tweaked groin.  Hanley was feeling a little less *pinkie to mouth* manly.

David Ortiz – Dropped to 6th in the order.  Solace for Ortiz owners who have seen the chances of an 0-for-5 decrease slightly.

Joey Votto - Welcome to our brand new game… Is he hitting a home run or is he dizzy?

Roy Oswalt – 6 IP, 4 ER and only has three decisions on the year to bring his record to 1-2.  Member those days when he’d win 20 games every year with crazy Win Karma?  Yeah, someone else might too, trade him to that person.

Edwin Jackson – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER.  I told you to pick him up after his first start of the year.  Cust kayin’.

Mark DeRosa – HR yesterday, 8 on the year.  .260/22 HRs.  What are DeRosa’s final numbers, Alex?

Zach Greinke – 9 IP, 1 ER, 8 Ks.  We get it.  We’ve changed Greinke’d to Pwnson’d in the glossary.

Joe Blanton – 11 Ks?  Let me guess, the Marlins?

Livan Hernandez – Complete game win?  Let me guess, the Nationals?

Brad Lidge – Got his 9th save in a sticky situation.  Lidge is going to be given every opportunity to succeed, which means he may fail.  But he’ll have the chances.

Shane Victorino – 4-for-5, he’s actually been a bit light on the steals this year, but who doesn’t love The Flying Hawaiian?  Not me, friend.

Nolan Reimold – Now has 3 HRs in 46 ABs.  Could be this month’s Travis Snider.

Gary Sheffield – Hit his 5th homer.  I think he’s way too stubborn to play and not play well, but I also think he’s too old and broken down to stay healthy.  Doesn’t hurt to take a flier, just don’t drop anyone too valuable.

Jayson Nix – 2 HRs yesterday.  Whatever, can’t supplant Alexei now, sucka!

Nomar Garciaparra – Out again with a strained something-or-other.  Someone picked him up in one of my ‘pert leagues and I swear to you, I laughed out loud.

Jesus Guzman – Optioned back to beautiful, bustling Fresno.  This came just days after Bochy said he’d start over some schmohawk.  Ah, fantasy baseball… When your loved ones don’t stress you out enough.

Ian Snell – Threw a complete game!  Then again, it was rained out after 5 innings and he gave up 5 runs.

Troy Glaus – May not return this year.  No kidding?

Nick Blackburn – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 Ks.  Usually no Ks, no WHIP, no thank you.

Mark Reynolds – Hit his 13th homer.  Where ya at, Chris Davis?  At 12, after yesterday’s 2 homer game.  And at 61 and 67 Ks, respectively.  This race is way too close to call.

Chad Qualls – Sat in favor of Juan Gutierrez in a clear save situation after giving up runs in 3 of his last 4 outings.  We’re not reading into it, but in a way we are.  Read into that!

Andrew Bailey – Got the save about three weeks (estimate) after he was called the closer.   I’d own him, but it would sure be nice to see him again before the summer solstice. (No idea when this is, but it makes me sound smart when I say it.  Though not as smart when I point out I don’t know when it is.)

Bobby Jenks – Out with the flu as Linebrink got the save.  Can’t Matt Thornton blow his snot rockets at Bartolo Colon?

Bobby Abreu – Hit his 1st HR of the year.  Guess he shouldn’t have participated in that Winter League Home Run Derby.

On Sunday, Akinori Iwamura was carted off the field. (No, it wasn’t some sorta Japanese custom when a player makes an out.)  So Reid Brignac may get some short-term value if the Rays play him.  Right now, they don’t seem committed to that plan.  And, frankly, I can see why.  He hasn’t exactly been tearing it up in Triple A.  The Rays should go to Ben Zobrist aka The Best Home Run Hitter In The World With The Last Name Zobrist.  With shortstop eligibility and potentially 2nd base, Zobrist will have value getting everyday at-bats.  Much has been made of Zobrist’s out-of-the-blue power surge.  The only explanation that seems to be out there is that he worked in the offseason with Jaime Cevallos, The Swing Mechanic.  (Turns out he helped Little Jake Current too!)  Honestly, I don’t think it matters much for Ben Zobrist since he already has shortstop eligibility.  It’s worth a flier to see if the power continues.  Just don’t cut anyone too worthwhile for that flier, including Little Jake Current — he’s got power to all fields!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Troy Percival – Hit the DL and made J.P. Izzywheelfourson the closer.  I grabbed Nelson and Wheeler anywhere I could.  This could easily become Isringhausen’s… Or Balfour’s… Or Howell’s.  Unlike the Nats ‘pen, the guy who wins the Rays raffle will have value so it’s worth grabbing one and praying it ends up being your guy.  The Rays used Izzy last on Saturday like he was a closer, though it was a non-save situation.  If you don’t have room in 12 team leagues and shallower, I’d cut Percy.  The next game he may be closing is the Hall of Famers vs. Non-Hall of Famers Game, which would take place during the All-Star Game festivites, if I had my way.  Like you wouldn’t pay to see Lee Smith try to prove his case against Gary Carter.  Would have to be better than watching Kenny Mayne throw like a girl.  (I’m still holding out hope for the Fattest Guy With No Power Home Run Derby too.  C’mon, Sandoval vs. Billy Butler!  Or everyone’s (soon-to-be) favorite contest, Worst Strikeout Pitcher Faces Off Against Chris Davis!  C’mon, Joel Pineiro!)

Jesus Guzman – Word out of the Tenderloin is Ishikawa isn’t long for the every day job.  Makes sensei.  He is Sucki-san.  If Guzman somehow pulls himself into an every day job, could be huge in ESPN leagues where he’s inexplicably a shortstop.  Though Guzman did not play on Sunday.  *shakes fist* Bochy!

Kevin Kouzmanoff – 3 HRs in the last seven games.  I know, Padres hitters are yawnstipating, but the Kouz is hot.

Dexter Fowler – 7-for-15 in his 4 games and batting leadoff.  Has been as good recently as Ian Stewart’s been bad.

Brad Lidge – Hey, whaddya know?  Another blown save!  He has a 9.19 ERA on the year.  Philly says there will be no closer change.  I say yet.

Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 7 Ks, 2 ER, which should’ve been one because of a misplay in the outfield.  This was a heartbreaking no decision (for me).

Matt Lindstrom – He embarrassed himself and his family on Saturday then came in on Sunday and retired two guys and walked three before being relieved by Kiko Calero.  Kiko’s pitching the best in the Marlins bullpen, but Nunez hasn’t been awful… Okay, he’s been just all right.  I think Nunez gets the first chance when Lindstrom’s replaced, but it might be Calero.  If you’re a save vulture, you should be grabbing one of them now, because Lindstrom doesn’t seem long for the closer role.

Kelly Johnson – HRs in back-to-back games.  He’s sitting at .252 on the year, he can get up to .280 within a few weeks.

Joe Mauer – Another game, another homer.  I heard Selena Roberts was seen digging through his trash.

Manny Delcarmen – Been lights out so far in middle relief.  Rumors are swirling that he might be headed to the Nats to be their closer with Nick Johnson headed to the Sawx, pushing Big Crapi to the bench.  I don’t think the Sawx have the cojones to bench Papi, they’d have to convince him to go to the Disgraceful List.  In deep leagues, Delcarmen should be owned, though some Mr. B’s probably already have him.

Daniel Murphy, Angel Pagan, Gary Sheffield, Jeremy Reed, Ramon Castro, Ramon Martinez – Ladies and gentlemen, your 2009 New York Mets!

Adam Jones – Hit his 10th homer yesterday while stealing his 4th bag.  Should cruise to 25/15, then Jamaica.

Alexei Ramirez – 2 HRs this weekend.  Mazel tov!

Mark Buehrle – Only Mark Buehrle could give up only one run after surrendering 12 hits while striking out only 3.  Cust kayin’.

Joel Hanrahan – Picked up the save with a perfect inning.  Apparently, he’s the closer again.

Adam Dunn – 2 HRs, 6 RBIs.  That’s not a donkey, this is a donkey.

Emmanuel Burriss – The Giants also announced they would be putting Frandsen into a platoon with Burriss.  Burriss has speed; Frandsen offers nothing.

Pablo Sandoval – Sat out yesterday with elbow trouble and will go for tests on Monday.   I hope they test his cholesterol.

Chris Iannetta – Hit the DL with a hamstring strain.   Jessica Alba and Joe Torre hybrid, Yorvit Torrealba, will have some short-term value in deep leagues.  For catchers that could be available in some leagues, I’d go Snyder, Salty, Torrealba or Diaz, in that order.

Miguel Tejada – 4-for-4 yesterday, 3 HRs in the last 6 games.  Someone’s in the Way Back Machine.

Josh Outman – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, Zero Ks.  When you don’t strikeout one Diamondback, I’m not buying.

Jason Giambi – Second straight game with a homer.  For those in shallow leagues, he hits them in bunches.  Some would say in “cycles.”

Barry Zito – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  Glad the old baked Zito showed up just as I added him.

Fred Lewis – Two games, two home runs.  I wish he’d just get to 15/15 in a month then I could drop him, but that’s not how these things work.  Except for Mark Reynolds.

Derrek Lee – Missed Sunday’s game with an undisclosed illness.  I thought it was called Suckitis.

Francisco Rodriguez – Might be the first time I’ve mentioned him in roundup.  (I tend not to mention guys that are doing what they’re supposed to be.)  K-Rod is suffering from back spasms, so the Mets are inserting Putz into their opening.  K-Rod said he’s feeling much better after being medicated.  In other news, K-Rod’s addicted to painkillers.  Sounds like he’ll be back by the end of the week at the latest.

Brandon Phillips – Hairline fracture on thumbkin.  Phillips said, “I told (the Reds) I don’t want to go on the DL.”  Um, okay.  And then you sit out yesterday’s game?  This sounds worse than the Reds are letting on.

Joey Votto – Ear infection had him benched on Sunday after hitting 2 homers on Saturday.  I totally feel for Votto.  Last time I had an ear infection, I rolled around for days crying.  Then again, I was 6 months old.

Brandon McCarthy – 9 IP, 0 ER and 6 Ks.  Solid game, but he’s way too unpredictable to pick up in mixed leagues.   As for this game, maybe McCarthy thought he was facing the Reds.