There are certain things in this world that should be considered criminal. Bringing 11 items to a 10 item express lane is one of them. Breaking out your checkbook at said express lane would be another. Not having your gosh darned info filled out BEFORE they’re done ringing up your stuff would be another. Seriously, do you need to know the total before you sign it and put the date on it? Did you really need to know it was $23.42 before you marked ‘groceries’ as the ‘for’ section? And why you using checks, dude! It’s 2013! I don’t care if you have bad credit, it’s called a debit card or pulling out cash! But I’ll spend more if I have a card or cash. You do already now, jack-hole, you just do it slower and tick off everyone around you! Wow, that escalated quickly. Where was I? Oh yeah, things that should be considered criminal. Outside of unxpressing an express lane, a big no no in my book is letting a guy who hits third in the lineup of a team that currently leads the league in runs languish out in the FA pool. I’m here to talk with you about the lisper’s nightmare, Seth Smith, and how he can help you during week 5 of the 2013 fantasy baseball season…
Please, blog, may I have some more?Garrett Richards
Did you realize that there was an epic breakthrough in the world of baseball analytics this week? Well, it happened! We did it! On Thursday, Ken “The Hawk” Harrelson joined Brian Kenny on MLB Network’s “MLB Now”, offering his thoughts on these newfangled sabermetrics. According to Hawk, WAR, and VORP, and OPS+, and all other products of science and reason fall short of his fresh new statistic — something he calls TWTW, or “The Will To Win”. Evidently, Hawk understands how to quantify this unmeasurable attribute, and he truly believes it is the most telling component of player evaluation. You can check out the video here, but most importantly, please make sure you apply Hawk’s lessons to your two-start browsing this week. Before you grab one of these guys off waivers, ask yourself: Is this a TWTW guy, or is this a non-TWTW guy? We only want the TWTW’s here. Choose wisely.
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Going into yesterday’s game, Gio Gonzalez had a 5.85 ERA and in three of four starts he only threw five innings. I saw the fear in your eyes. Nervousness was percolating just below the surface. You were like Mr. Coffee when he was about to lose his virginity. You were expecting some grinds and instead you were just overheating. Steaming so hard you needed a cup to catch the water beneath you. (How long you think I could keep the visual of Mr. Coffee about to lose his virginity going? Three more lines? Do I hear four?) Finally, the heat was too much, the water dripping too fast and everything began to steam. Quickly, you grabbed your little creamer. She usually likes to put the cream in herself, but you’re just gonna splash it all over the place to avoid a mess on your pants. And that’s how coffee became Mr. Coffee. So, today Gio threw an eight-inning, one-hitter with 7 Ks; his only blemish a Votto opposite-field blast. Things looked awry, making dyslexics wary. Luckily, it’s still freakin’ April and you shouldn’t worry so much. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more?Jered Weaver owners just found another reason to get down on one knee (although shelling out for a ring causes a similar sensation). Weaver will be going to renowned SoCal ‘Doctor of the Skateboarders’ Ollie Ramp. “I usually see these occur when some knucklehead tries to ride a railing and takes a header…or I guess an elbower.” Well, thank God for my Jered Weaver overrated post that helped all of you avoid Weaver in the preseason. Right? *crickets, birds chirping, a little fat kid running through a sprinkler* So, some of you drafted him anyway? Show yourselves for the world to see. You will not be mocked. You will be pointed at derisively. Okay, that’s mocked. The Weaver Drafter, “Everyone was down on Weaver, in the non-sexual way, so he came at such a discount… Besides, you were worried about his decreased velocity, falling K-rate, lucky ERA… You never said anything about him breaking his non-throwing elbow.” Hopefully, kind sir, they have an Excuses For Drafting Weaver category in your league. He’ll be back in 6 weeks. I look forward to others putting him on their DL until then. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
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Holy waiver wire! In a season full of devastating losses for the Boston Red Sox, Thursday’s 14-13 extra inning defeat ranks up there as 2012′s most devastatingest. After Alfredo Aceves blew the lead, giving up 5 ER on 6 hits including 2 home runs, the Sox star “slugger” Adrian Gonzalez struck out with a man on base to end the game.
Please, blog, may I have some more?Francisco Rodriguez got the save yesterday, then K-Rod told the reflection in his mirror I’m nobody’s dork. He’s been Marmolesque (1.42 WHIP, 4+ BB/9), but saves plus a solid K rate has its value. If you really need saves, you could do worse.
Please, blog, may I have some more?Brandon Beachy left Saturday’s start with a sore elbow. Usually when pitchers have a sore elbow it means one of two things. One, they’re going on the DL for a long period of time. Or two, they’re going to say they’re going on the DL for only 15 days but it will be a long time. Yeah, those are kinda the same things, but it adds a little flare when I break them up into two things. My English Comp professor would’ve said, “Grey, you add filler on top of your filler then you put commas where they’re not supposed to be then, add more filler. Have you considered a math major?” I told you to sell him about two weeks ago, but I understand how hard it is to sell an overperformer, so many of you were probably stuck with Beachy, or stranded, as the case may be. I’d DL him and hope for better news heretothen. Bee tee dubya, I just made up heretothen. Pretty good, right? Feel free to use it for the rest of twelve after twenty. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Kris Medlen – The Braves stretched out Medlen, then yo-yo’d all over the place with what he should and would be doing. Fredi Gonzalez said, “I have enough problems to worry about since I can’t pitch Venters 400 innings this year.” Now with Beachy’s injury, Medlen remains in the bullpen. Yup. Instead, the Braves are filling Beachy’s rotation spot with Jair Jurrjens. Obviously, the Braves management threw a dart at a board to fill the rotation spot and said dart landed in a nearby toilet.
Please, blog, may I have some more?Brandon Morrow left yesterday’s game with an oblique injury that was considered substantial. Sounds like he’s headed to the DL. I’d gloat, but then he’ll return in three days and hit .400 for a month with little power. I’d say I told you to sell Morrow, but no one likes an “I told you so.” They’re more unlikable than that Joe fella from MasterChef. I’m just going to say one thing, I feel really sorry for Morrow’s owners. But I said that sarcastically. Ooh, the reverse middle finger roll! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Carl Crawford – About two weeks away from game action. Vegas just set the over/under for his next setback at two weeks.
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This week looks like a S an M fest for WHIP ratio’s. Most of these guys I wouldn’t give to my ex-girlfriend. Anyways, we must plug along, and I have to write about something. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
Please, blog, may I have some more?Did you ever get flustered to the point where you never know what to say. Well that’s where I am currently. Fantasy baseball is tertiary right now; yea it’s on a a whole third level of importance as I type this.
Please, blog, may I have some more?