Fantasy Baseball Advice

The other drafternoon I took part in my Fantasy Razzball draft where the object is to field the worst team possible.  This team isn’t just bad.  Nah, I outdid even myself this time.  On a scale of one to ten, they’re a negative seven.  I did the math!  Somehow I managed to get a team where not one hitter projects for more than twelve home runs.  If someone in the Royals brass gets wind of my drafting skills, I may get a job!  If you think I’m being facetious (which was recently outlawed in Madagascar), shame on you.  And shame on this team!  My co-conspirators in this were:

Chet G., Fantasy Football
Andy B., Yahoo! Roto Arcade
Tim W., Buccofans.com
T Man, Middle Aged Sports Guys
Jonathan H., The Hardball Times
Paul R., My Sports Rumors
Collin, FantasyPros911
Ryan D., Oh What, Another Baseball Blog
Andrew C., Yanks Go Yard

Come with me as I take out the trash:

Round 1 – I had my eye on Ronnie Belliard like only Mrs. Belliard could ever know.  He’s eligible at 1st!  Need I continue?  His K rate has been going up.  You want more?  He’s also eligible at 3rd.  Could Joyce DeWitt’s son steal time?  I suppose, but Belliard’s projected for 400 ABs and 11 home runs.  Bleh, and thank you.

Round 2 – It was between Lousy Castillo and Drew Stubbs, who may not even break camp with the Reds he’s so godawful.  Stubbs’s projected 267 strikeouts this year had me throw caution into the wind and go with the upside pick.  Yes, in this league, your 2nd pick may not break camp with the club. It’s not easy being bad at your chosen vocation.  Ask any non-Greinke Royals pitcher.

Round 3 – Tommy Manzella, while renown for his lasagna, is not, how do I put this, good at baseball.  If there were a category on Jeopardy! titled, “Players You’d Confuse With Adam Everett,” Manzella would be the question for every answer.  Manzella’s projections:  450+ ABs, .240 average and 5 homers.  Now that’s Italian!

Round 4 – Actually, I really like Scott Podsednik this year in fantasy… Sorry, I meant to say, I really like Scott Podsednik’s wife.  Crucial detail.

Round 5 – One thing I really notice about drafting craptacular players, everyone has a different draft sheet.  It’s like you got ten owners together that have all been in solitary confinement for the last six months.  Everyone knows who’s crappy, but nobody knows which order anyone else is going to take them, so guys last longer than you think they will.  Without further ado, Brian Bannister.

Round 6 – Went with the Marquis de Shat here because we have a max innings limit and I really wanted to get a few pitchers that could actually stay in the rotation all year.  Figuring quality non-quality over quantity non-quality, if that makes sense.

Round 7 – A two home run hitter calling Petco home? Was surprised to see Sparky Anklebiter make it all the way to the 7th round.  Middle infield is a deep position in this, but I couldn’t turn down this kind of value.

Round 8 – Brett Gardner is the first pick that I could see definitely owning in regular leagues.  One of the few picks on this team with downside.  If he can avoid the top of the order, he should be fine.

Round 9 – Considering Michael Bourn went in the first round, Nyjer Morgan‘s a steal here.  Speaking of which, steals aren’t counted in this league, if anyone was not familiar with the points structure.  BTW, the nicest thing anyone can ever say about a guy on your Fantasy Razzball team, “He’s a great fielder!”

Round 10 – Tommy Hunter.  Okay, I’m a sucker for sucky Texas pitchers.

Round 11 – Martin Prado isn’t a great pick at 2nd base… But he’s not playing there for me.  He is a solid guy for the Not Corner.

Round 12 – I expect Porcello’s ERA to mushroom. (<–almost pun!)

Round 13 – Scott Olsen — You know those Army commercials you see that promise college and all that?  I imagine in the next 15 years there will be commercials for kids who throw lefty.  Can’t afford college and you throw lefty?  Play in the Majors!

Round 14 – Daniel Murphy locked up my corner infidel spot.  Not bad value for a guy who received fielding tips from Keith Hernandez and hitting tips from Ron Darling.

Round 15 – Someone took Yorvit Torrealba in Round 14 and that reminded me I better grab his blahtoon mate, Nick Hundley.

Round 16 – In regular leagues, I wouldn’t want to fill my utility spot so early, but I knew I wanted a top tier catcher, so I grabbed Gregg Zaun, then immediately began thinking about how he really shouldn’t be playing in the major leagues anymore.  Someone hire him to coach, please.

Rounds 17/18 – Dave Bush and Brett Myers because Home Runs Allowed is a category.  Hopefully, Myers won’t disrupt my harmonious clubhouse.

Round 19 – Ladies and gentlemen, super futility man – Eugenio Velez.

Rounds 20/21/22 – Ronny Cedeno, Chris Getz and Jeff Keppinger.  Not sure how this crapfecta lasted this long, but I just had to back up some of my other guys that are sure to lose playing time.  Actually, if I played my cards right, some of them might have lost playing time already.

Round 23 – Billy Buckner?  *shrugs*  I don’t know, but he’s supposed to be terrifically awful.

Round 24 – Garrett Mock – Mock indeed.

Round 25 – Grabbed Russell Martin to stash on my DL, though I’m sure at least one of my pitchers will end up on the Disgraceful List by May.

Round 26 – Every time you hear Willie Harris‘s name don’t you think of Michael Dukakis?  Yeah, maybe it’s me.

Round 27 – Jake Westbrook is actually the Indians number one pitcher.  Chief Wahoo should change his name to Chief WTF?

And David Ortiz goes pop.  For Patriots’ Day, the Sawx had a special throwback day where Varitek went yard, Pedroia acted like an MVP and David Ortiz acted less jenky than he had all season.  Fulfilling their end of the bargain was Mark Hendrickson and the Orioles bullpen.  *SCHMALTZ ALERT*  Rudy and I went to college in Boston and Patriots’ Day was a time of general drunkenness as we mocked people who had just run the Boston Marathon all the way to Kenmore Square (about 25 miles).  They may have been more fit than us, but at least our nipples weren’t bloody.  R.I.P. Johnny Kelley.  Hopefully they have you in the giant pace car in the sky.  So I already labeled Ortiz a fantasy schmohawk this year, but some might see yesterday’s game as a positive going forward.  Nope.  If that was the case, the title would’ve been “GrandPapi Shows Signs Of Life.”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Joe Mauer – Will be back in two weeks.  There’s the good news you need to trade him, auto drafters.

Mark Reynolds – HR yesterday to take the lead in his battle with Chris Davis.

Ian Stewart – Hit his third home run.  Hmm… Let’s see, play young prospect that could be the future of your franchise or play Seth Smith?  May 15th called, it says it wants Seth Smith on the bench by then.

Garrett Mock – This is funny.  The Nats supposedly brought him up to potentially insert him in the closer role because Hanranhananan has been awful.  Mock’s Triple-A numbers were 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER and 5 walks.  Yep, that fixes that problem.  In related news, Joel Hanranhananan got the save yesterday.

Brian McCann – Off to see an eye specialist — isn’t that an oxymoron?  This could be bad news for teams who bucked advice and drafted McCann.  The Disabled List Informer informs us that McCann could be out a week or two.

Cameron Maybin – To say he looks lost is like saying Corey Haim’s a trainwreck. (Full disclosure, I had to Google to see if Haim was still alive.)

Mike Hampton – 6 1/3, 3 ER.  Someone in the comments yesterday asked if Hampton may have one more run in him like Mussina last year.  As with Mussina last year, I’m not paying to find out.  Doesn’t interest me whatsoever.  I can grab Ricky Romero, Porcello, etc. and try for some upside with a 5th or 6th starter.  Hampton’s yawnstipating at best and unusable at worst.

Ryan Doumit – Bad day to be a squatter.  Doumit has a right wrist injury.  He’s the type of player to turn a sore wrist into a 15-day DL stint at the drop of a hat.  Doumit owners, hold onto your hats.

Justin Masterson – 5 1/3, 1 ER. He’ll make at least two more starts and I like him for both.

Brian Bannister – Sounds like he might be getting the call up.  Wink, wink, nudge, nudge to those in the Razzball leagues, Bannister sucks.

Andrew Miller – Not sure if he’s going to the Disgraceful List or just the regular 15-day DL, but either way, he’s outta here.  Burke Badenhop should replace him.  On the Marlins.  Not on your fantasy team.

Jordan Zimmermann – 6 IP, 2 ER.  The positive is he won.  The negative is my girlfriend had some kind of rash and I didn’t get to watch the game.  “Grey, can we go to the store to get lotion?”  “Girlfriend, can I finish watching this game?” “What inning?” “1st.” His numbers from the game look good.  Maybe if someone saw the game they can fill me in in the comments.  I’m still buying, just as I was when I said Jordan Zimmermann is a fantasy sleeper.  Move over, Acta, I got an idea.  The Nats should make their 5th starter their 1st starter.  Revolución, Che!

Ross Ohlendorf – I did watch this game… unfortunately.  8 Ks through 18 innings for this -dorf is about all you need to know.  I wouldn’t even take a flier on him in an NL-Only league.  The only league I’d try him in is a Dorf-Only league.  And try to find one of those ever since the Dorf oversaturation of the late 80s… Dorf on Golf, Dorf on Fishing, and when he went all meta with Dorf on Dorf.